Chapter 1 - "Change"

"Get out of my way, loser" the voice emits through the cluster of people in the hall and instantly I recognize the voice. River Pettit (a girl I'd known as my best friend up until a year ago) shoves me out of her way with more force than needed, knocking me over to show off to her new "friends". I look up at her, stunned. She chuckles and it's this hateful, unnatural sound that I've never heard her use towards me before everything changed. She use to have such a kind dispositon, at least around me, and two years ago neither of us would have ever imagined she would bully me the way she is now. 

Of course there was always something different about her, she always seemed to hide something from me. The girl always walked around like she had some dark cloud over her, for obvious reasons she seems to have that cloud over her more often now. I’ve known her all my life, so despite the fact that she seems so cold and secretive, we actually became best friends. I don't know if it was because I had known her so long or we just naturally ended up getting along, but regardless she somehow became the only close friend I had most of the time.

But of course I had to go and mess things up last summer. I honestly don’t know how she stayed my friend as long as she did, at least 6 years without so much as a complaint. We'd been friends ever since she moved her at the age of 12 all the way up to our Juinor year together. I should have taken that as some kind of a hint, since none of my other friends had been around that long in the past. But despite that knowledge I didn’t expect to screw anything up.

After all it was just a normal day, in the middle of summer break and we’d spent the whole day at the beach. Everything seemed fine, great actually. Until we were about to go home, that is. We were packing up our towels when a pair of boys came up to us. the shaggy haired blonde crouched down beside River, “Need any help there, gorgeous?” “No thank you.” she muttered back, not even looking up at him as she put away her towel.

“Hmm, well where you headed to? there’s an ice cream shop not too far from here we’re going to, maybe you can join us?” The boy continued. “No thanks, we’re going to Ellie’s house to watch movies. Right Ellie?” She looked over at me and it became clear that she wanted back up in order to get away from the boys. “Y-yeah.” I mumbled in response.

At that point the boy snickers “But it would be a lot more fun at my house, why don’t you ditch the freak and we’ll go there now?” The darker haired boy behind him chuckled nervously and shifted his weight, clearly not wanting to get into as much trouble as his friend intended too. “Excuse me?” River glared at both of the boys, a clear warning to just leave but only the darker haired boy seemed to pick up on it, backing up slightly. “Come on, you’re probably hanging out with her out of pity. I’m saving you, you know.”

“Who the hell do you think you are? Who I hang out with is my business and as a matter of fact if I were to pity anyone, it would be you.” River growled but the boy clearly didn’t look like he was going to give up and his friend sensed that “Hey Ryan, can we go before the ice cream shop closes? I need to change out of these clothes and they’ve got the only bathroom around here.”  the boy squeaks out but Ryan doesn’t give him so much as a glance in response. “You have no reason to pity me, hot stuff. But that thing on the other hand, I can see why you would pity her. overweight, with that stupid look about her, I think I even see a unibrow. You’re pretty nice too hang around that.” The boy just kept going and by the time he had finished, little tears had already started to slip out despite me trying to contain them.

“Just get lost, asshole.” is River’s only reply to his comment. She stood up, with her stuff in hand and pulled me gently to my feet. But before I could even take a step the boy chuckled again and pushed me down before I knew what was happening. I sat in the sand for a moment, confused. Then Ryan fell down beside me and I looked up to realize River had slapped him right off his feet.

“C’mon, El. Let’s go.” River offered her hand and pulled me too my feet again, actually succeeding at her escape this time. We managed to leave the beach without anymore conflict from either of the boys and by the time we reached my house, my tears had dried. River started the newest scary movie that she had gotten earlier that day and we plopped down on the couch. Even though I tried my best to focus on the movie, I found I couldn’t really focus on anything but what happened at the beach. Not even half way through the movie, River picked up on it.

“Hey, quit worrying about those jerks. They don’t know what they’re talking about.” River nudged my arm, drawing me out of my thoughts. “I don’t know… maybe.. he’s right.” the thought that had been reiterating in my head since we left the beach finally managed to escape from my throat against my own will. “That’s bull shit, Ellie. He was just an asshole, you’re perfect.” was her quick rebuttal. For the whole past school year I had started to feel like maybe I had started to develop the slightest hint of a crush on the girl, but it had never really come to the surface to cause a problem. Until that moment, that is. “You really think that?” I muttered, doubtful of her words. She leaned closer, as if she had some kind of secret to tell me and my heart started to beat faster at her close presence. “Look, don’t tell anyone I have a soft side. But you’re like the most important person in the world to me. You have a great personality, especially compared to the people around here; and I think you’re adorable. So stop worrying about those other assholes.” She finished up her little speech and all I could do was stare at her silently.

I don’t really know what happened next, it all seems to blur in my mind and I’ve come to think it’s because I wasn’t really in control of my actions. I leaned forward, coming in contact with what I soon found out were her lips and I remember this berry sent and a sweet flavor. Before I found myself pushed against the armrest, my shoulders feeling like they had been hit by a linebacker. I snapped out of the daze and looked up to find River picking up her things. “Wh-where are you going?”

“Home.” was her simple reply, she seemed to have this angry tone in her voice, a tone I always feared when she used it on others. “But…” my brain suddenly put together the puzzle pieces and I finally realized what happened. “I- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to..” I stammered out but she quickly cut me off, “Whatever, just… don’t talk to me right now. I need to clear my head.” and just like that she had left without another word. She didn’t talk to me for the rest of the summer and by the time school started back up, she’d made new friends and her bullying towards me started.

Now I’ve been putting up with her and her friends' bullying me for nearly six months.

Chapter 2 - "Settling in"

 

“Miss Stone?” The voice pulls me out of my thoughts at last and I look away from River’s hateful glare to look up at the teacher hovering over me. “Are you okay?” she asks and I can only manage a nod before being guided to my feet. “Come with me, please.” The teacher, who I soon recognize as our school counselor, Ms. Robin Asher, pulls on my arm gently and grabs River’s as she walks down the hall.

We get to the end of the hall and she turns us to the left and sends us straight into the Guidance office. “Sit down.” she orders, before seating her own self in her office chair. “I don’t have time for this, I’m going to be late for class.” River protests, with her arms crossed and stands near the door as if she’ll be allowed to just walk out as she pleases. I on the other hand sit cautiously in one of the two seats infront of Ms. Asher’s desk. “Sit down, River.” she grumbles, already seeming to lose her patience with the girl. Muttering under her breathe, River sits down beside me.

“Do you want to explain why you pushed Ellie around like that?” Ms. Asher keeps her attention on the darker skinned girl, locking her green eyes on River’s brown ones. “She was in my way, I’m late for class now cause of the lil bitch. can I just go now?” at that she gets the most hateful glare from Ms. Asher that I’ve ever seen the usually calm teacher use. “Watch your language and I should have you two sent to the office. They can make you miss the whole class, maybe call your parents. Now is that what you want?” “No.” River sits back in her seat and goes quiet.

Which leaves me as a target to be spoken to. “Do you have anything you want to say, Ellie?” I look over at River fearfully and she gives me this death glare. I instantly shake my head no in reply to Ms. Asher’s question. She goes silent for a moment, thinking about what to do. “River, I’ll write you a referral and then you can go to the office.” River sits up straight and her eyes widen, “You’re writing me up? For what?!? I didn’t do anything!” the tone she uses makes me shrink back into my seat in an effort to hide.

“You can tell that to the principal then.” the tired looking counselor mumbles as she writes out the referral. She finishes the referral and motions for River to stand. River stands up and snatches the paper out of her hand, but not before kicking me in the shin. As she stomps out of the room I start to stand. “You stay here for a minute, Ellie. I need to talk to you.” instantly I sit back down and wait for her to continue speaking. “Are you sure there’s nothing you want to talk to me about? Anything involving River perhaps?” I shake my head almost without a second thought, I’ve gotten so use to not talking to anyone about things when I know I probably should. For a brief second I consider telling her the truth but I’ve learned not to trust people. “No, I’m fine.” I mutter in order to make the nod seem more confident even though I doubt it looks that way. “... Alright. But if you do want to talk, I’ll be here and if she gives you problems come to me… As a matter of fact you can come in here during lunch if you’d like, I hardly ever have students in here. Does that sound okay?” she looks at me with those green eyes, only they look a lot warmer and nicer than they did when they looked at River. At least I haven’t given this lady a reason to be angry with me. “Y-yes mam.” I squeak out and finally she allows me to leave.

I find my way back to class and sit through a lesson on World War Two without River there to disrupt anything. But eventually the bell rings and I find myself walking slowly to lunch. I reach the crowded area and the first person I recognize is River, standing at the table closest to the door. With all her “friends” around her. I try to walk by them, try to become invisible as I walk by their table. But one of the blonde girls trips me before I can escape and their reign of torment begins. “oops, my bad Fugly.” the blonde snickers, the painful ring of that nickname already making my eyes tear up.

“Here, let me help you up.” the blonde pulls me to my feet before the others crowd around me and somehow in the mist I get pushed into the table. The crowd’s noise level rises and again I’m pushed, this time away from the table. “Get away from our table, freak. We don’t want your freak germs.” sneers the same blonde that had tripped me to begin with.

I sniffle and scramble away blindly, winding up in the lunch line. I’d been able to put up with their hateful remarks and the occasional bully for most of my life. They never seemed to bother me like this with River at my side, but now that she’s deemed me not friend worthy, it seems as if their need to bully me has increased. It’s almost as if River has given them more reasons to bully, no doubt she’s probably been spreading rumors.

I get my lunch and once I’m out of the line I find myself standing off to the side staring at that table of hateful teenagers. I’d gotten rather tired of being vexed by that girl for the one mistake I made and her “friends” seem even more relentless today. So after someone decides to grumble at me to move, I make the decision to take up Ms. Asher on her offer to hide in her room. I make my way to her room and sit cautiously at the one table she has in the corner of the room by the door. “Hi, Ellie.” she looks up from her own lunch to smile at me kindly. Before I can push out an awkward reply, she speaks again, “What are you doing here, sweetie?”

I look at her worriedly, as if she didn’t really offer for me to be here, or if she’s going to turn on me like the others had. “You said I could come here… I can go…” I stand up almost instantly, preparing to flee but she stops me. “No, No, I was just curious. I didn’t think you would really come here, you can stay. Please, the silence is driving me to insanity.” she gestures for me to sit back down and as should be expected, I follow the wordless order. After I’m seated, she studies me for a while, watching me like a doctor might watch a mental patient. After a minute, she goes back to nonchalantly eating her salad. “So why did you come here?” she asks after a moment. I sit there, unmoving, not wanting to remember the people I ran from. “Um, I just… did.” she stares at me quizzically and it’s clear I should have come up with something less idiotic to say.

“You didn’t want to hang out with your friends?” the question strikes a cord in my heart and I can’t help the answer that leaves me as I lower my head “I… I don’t have any friends.” she stares at me with disbelief “Well surely you have to have some friends.” she states and I shake my head slightly before I can stop myself. I think back on all the people I use to be friends with, most of them I had angered in some way, or because of other people they just gradually stopped talking to me. Other’s either moved away or became so distant and hardly seen that I stopped talking to them.

And then there’s River. I guess she falls into the category of friends I’ve made angry with me. “I use to have a few friends but… people have a habit of leaving.” I mutter in response and glance up at her briefly before hiding in my lunch tray. She sighs out, as if she’s disappointed.

“That’s a damn shame… I know this might sound like the worst idea, but I’d be glad to be your friend if the idea of being friends with a stuffy teacher doesn’t bother you.” she jokes, smiling at me when I glance up. “T-thank you.” I mumble, not exactly willing to make more friends after all that’s happened, but I don’t think there can be any harm in it. She is just a teacher after all, even if I’m not making friends at least I have somewhere to stay during lunch, just to escape the outside world.

“You’re welcome, friend.” the word strikes me as odd, foreign even, but I push it aside and go back to picking at my food in silence; eventually becoming comfortable enough to eat my food rather than just staring down at it as if I would be harmed if I did anything otherwise.

The rest of lunch passes in a silent, quick blur of time. Before I know it, I’m drifting through my classes and then the day is over. Then the week is over. I finally settle into this routine by the end of the second week, growing accustomed to the peaceful lunches in Ms. Asher’s room.

Monday of the next week comes along just like all the others, nothing special about the endless, boring classes. I still get the usual snickers and comments from the bitches River now associates herself with. Each day, my only hope is to get out of there as quickly as possible, ignoring their cruelty until I’ve reached my safe haven. Every day this week, when I reach her room nearly in tears, I talk to Ms. Asher a little more. Starting with short, timid sentences until by friday she’s gotten whole conversations out of me. Not too long before the last lunch bell rings, she makes a comment that I call her by her first name, saying each time she hears “Ms.” it reminds her of her mother. “Have a good weekend, sweetie.” she smiles as I leave, saying the same basic words she does every day before I end up going to my next class. The rest of the day seems to fly by, like it always does after lunch time. Everything before is just so sluggish and almost unbearable. I’m thankful, as always, when we’re released with the last bell.

Chapter 3 - "Return of the Vixen"

 

The first semester of the year is over and this week we’re moving on to new classes. I’ve successfully made it through my first class and I stare down at my schedule as I walk to my next class. I put the piece of paper away when I bump into some guy, who glares at me. I realize, only after I’ve passed him who it is. Instantly it clicks in my head that he was Ryan and I sigh in dread that he goes to the same school. But luckily we hadn’t met until now so maybe there’s a chance we’ll never cross paths. Despite that thought, I know better; he’ll become one of my many tormentors.

Sighing, I reach my second class. I nearly freeze in the doorway, spotting River in the second row. If it hadn’t been for the jock that pushed me into the classroom, I would have probably ran and hid. But much to my dismay, he does push me inside and I find myself sitting in the assigned seat two desks behind River. I mentally thank the Robertsons twins for having the only last name that stood between River and I. But still, I’m in too close of a proximity to her. Old emotions come rushing back to me.

I have over an hour of class time to just think as the teacher goes through the same first day blabber that I’ll be hearing all day. Now that I am thinking, and now that I’m just near River reminds me that I haven’t really let myself think. Ever since that day I kissed her and she walked out on me, I’ve involuntarily pushed all of my thoughts and feelings towards her to the back of my mind.

Of course I had that whole rest of the summer to self loath about the stupid mistake I’d made and the friendship I’d lost. But then school started, the bullying began and I never really came to terms with how I thought about the girl I’d known as my best friend up until such a sudden hault. Of course it wouldn’t take me an hour to figure that out. The teacher drones on, but I’ve stopped listening to him, in fact I never started; I’d been staring at River since I’d walked in and thoughts just kept racing. She turns around to pass papers back to one of the Robertson twins and I get a glance at her. She seems to notice me and for a brief second, our eyes lock. All in that quick glance, I realize that she’s meant more to me than just a best friend for a long while, maybe even before that “mistake” had happened. I don’t know what it is in this quick second that makes me see that, I don’t even know why I would think such a thought in the first place considering how she’s been treating me.

But there’s just something about the way she looked back at me, as if there was some struggle going on behind those brown eyes. Maybe, for just a quick second, she regrets it. Maybe for just a moment, I get a glance at the River I knew. The River I cared so much for. But in an instant she’s gone again, she’s replaced by this glaring, hateful River for a second more before she whirls around in her desk and avoids all eye contact for the rest of the class.

Lunch rolls around and I find myself walking, almost mindlessly, to the lunch line. I don’t get stopped today, I just get these cold death glares from the “Bitch Table” as I’ve come to know it as. I find the oddly silent glares strange and clearly threatening. Nothing good can come from this new change.

I wait in the line and get my food, making it through that whole endeavor without any interruptions. But now I have to endure one more tough part, getting past the “Bitch Table” in order to enter the halls and escape. I walk cautiously by, staring at my feet in an effort to not be seen as a potential target. But my efforts always seem to go unrewarded. “Hey, Freak.” again that same blonde girl stops me in my tracks. I stop and glance up at her timidly. “Yes, I’m talking to you. Get over here, dumbass.”

Despite my better judgements, I follow her order like I always do. Follow orders. “My boyfriend wants to talk to you.” she states, sitting back in her seat properly so that the boy can talk around her. Against my own will, I move closer to make the conversation easier. I soon recognize her boyfriend as Ryan. “You’re that lil freak from the beach, aren’t you?” he moves around his girlfriend to get a better look, she snickers as she eats her food; reaching out to hold his hand. I don’t offer a reply, he doesn’t give me the chance to anyway. “I knew you looked familiar.” he pauses to chuckle, “I told you River pitied you last year. Funny how things turned out, isn’t it?” he chuckles again and a few of the others at the table join in. for once I don’t see River there and I’m kind of thankful, seeing her join in on the taunting always made it hurt at least ten times more.

The blonde stops eating her food, looking back up to me at Ryan’s words. “I honestly don’t know how River stayed friends with you for so long. I mean, I couldn’t stand being in such an awkward friendship.” she snickers and I honestly don’t know why I stayed here this long. I should have walked away instead of stopping, but now that I’m here I know I’ll have to speak up eventually. “It wasn’t awkward, she use to be nice before…” I don’t know what I was going to say. “Before she joined the bitch posse.”? it was probably something along those lines, it would just come out of my mouth stammered and awkward. But it doesn’t matter what I was going to say because the blonde finishes my sentence with this evil smile on her face.

“Before you tried to make out with her?” her words stun me and for a moment I stand there, dumbfounded. “W-what are you talking about?” I try to act like I don’t know what she’s talking about, try to act like it never happened. How did she know? Had River told her? Did our friendship mean that little to her that she would just tell these fake friends something she knew they would taunt me with? Tears start to well up in my eyes again and I blink quickly in an effort to push them back. “She’s my best friend, so of course I would ask.” hearing the blonde say those words only make the hurt increase. “She never gave me a clear answer but that’s what we all assumed and your expression just confirmed it.” She, along with the rest of the table, start to laugh at me, mocking me. I mentally curse myself for being so easy to read.

Defeated, I shuffle back, preparing to leave but something stops me. My back bumps into a warm body, halting our movements with startled ‘umphs’ pulled from both of us. I don’t have to see her to know it’s River. That little known fact along with the force of bumping into her, makes my knees feel like they’re going to give out on me. On instinct her hands reach out, steadying me with two soft hands on either side of my waist. I don’t know what to do, I just want to run away like I always do, but I can’t now with her blocking me from escape. I’m surrounded.

I try to calm myself, trying to remain level headed so escape will still be possible. I find my mind on River’s hands, it’s the first thing to come to mind and the thought instantly calms me. My old reflexes come back, thinking her to be no threat, thinking she’s still my friend and she’ll protect me. But my old memories of her are wrong and all in the quick moment it takes for the ‘bump’ to happen, the blonde makes quick work to continue her taunting; like it’s her job to do so. “Careful, River. The freak probably still has the hots for you.” for whatever reason, that’s the last straw.

I know now I have no chance. Escape is now all but gone. I forget I’m still holding my lunch tray in shaking hands. my lims lose control and the tray slips, falling to the ground. The food that was carefully organised on top of it flies in all directions, most of it going on the blonde’s shoes and skinny jeans. If I wasn’t in such a state, I would have laughed at the bitch, getting what she deserved. Involuntarily, a giggle does slip out of me and she stands up, actually angry at me. All of the taunting in her leaves and it’s replaced with actually anger, maybe even hate.

“You got your food on me, you chubby little bitch.” she growls, picking up a napkin to wipe some of it off. River walks around me, staring at the both of us quizzically. Something in me snaps at the blonde girl in front of me. Even though I never stand up to them, a come back slips out of me. “I may be chubby but at least I’m not an anorexic bitch.” the girl freezes at the muttered response.

“What did you just say to me, Freak?” she throws the towel down on the table and glares at me, taking a step forward. But still, for some idiotic reason I don’t back down. River seems to sense the stupidity seeping from my actions and she reaches out to grab the other girl’s arm. “Let it go, Chloe. Before…” her sentence goes unfinished because I had already started to spill out my stupid comment.“You heard me, skank.” Chloe’s eyes widen at that. It looked as if two bombs had just exploded inside her pupils.

River tries to pull her away, but despite the darker girl’s efforts, Chloe pulls free and before I know it, I’m being punched. The force knocks me off balance but I regain my footing and in a lame attempt I try to fight back by pushing her away. It does little to nothing and she quickly hits me again, this time knocking me off my feet. “Chloe stop.” I hear River’s voice but it’s quickly drowned out by the sound of ringing and my face’s sudden contact with the floor. The cheek that isn’t pressed against the filthy floor burns with what I can only guess was a result of a kick to the face.

Lesson learned: never call one of the Bitch Trolls a skank. the thought sings out quietly before another sharp pain shoots through my abdomen. She’s still kicking me? I look up cautiously to find that the rest of the Bitch Posse has circled me. “Let’s show this freak a lesson.” before I can even think more pain starts to shoot through me in all different parts of my body. They’re all kicking me now.

I don’t know what to do, I just lie there, scrunched up in the fetal position. I hear all kinds of noise buzzing around me. One voice in particular stands out in the crowd. “Chloe that’s enough, stop. You guys are hurting her.” is that… River? No, no, I must be imagining it. “Good.” is the last thing I hear that I can manage to translate. Everything else just becomes noise. And pain. And panic.

Something stops the kicking, the crowd disintegrates. I knew in the back of my mind that the teachers would hear all of the noise eventually, but it felt like an eternity before they had finally stopped the other students.

I lay there for a few minutes, motionless, scared to move or even open my eyes. As if their rescue was just a dream and showing any signs that I’m awake or alive would ruin my dream and I would be instantly swarmed with more pain and noise.

“Ellie?” I recognize Robin’s voice almost instantly and I struggle to open my eyes. She must have been one of the teachers to break up the crowd. “Ellie?” the sound reaches my ears again, only this time sounding more concerned. A strangled sound of pain crawls up my throat when I try to respond in anyway, by speaking or moving. “Sit up, sweetie.” a hand grabs my arm, it stings at the contact but regardless I still follow orders. With her help I manage to sit up and eventually stand. I stumble just standing in place and Robin holds a hand on either shoulder to keep me steady.

“Oh my god, Ellie... You’re bleeding…” she doesn’t finish the thought, she reaches out to touch my cheek. I open my eyes, not realizing they hadn’t even been open up until this point. Robin is a mass of blurs infront of me as I try to open my swollen eyes. “Oh sweetheart… Come on, I need to take you to the nurse.” she guides me out of the lunch room and down the hall, with the help of another teacher who I barely know is there and remains silent the whole way. When we get to the nurse she cheeks over my injuries, bandaging me the best she can before calling my mother saying “She needs to take you to the hospital incase you have internal bleeding.” The statement barely registers in my mind, I just sit there and wait for something to happen. After the call, I’m being dragged off to what I guess is the office. I’m guided into a chair and I stumble, falling off my feet to land in the chair.

I wait there for a while, Robin talking to me about something

as I  wait; keeping me company I guess. I don’t offer replies, it wouldn’t be much use since I don’t know what it is she’s rambling about anyway. I just sit there, staring at the blurs around me, some things come into focus every now and then when they’re close enough. A teacher comes into focus and murmurs something.

The soft humming of Robin’s voice stops. “I’ll be right back, Ellie. I have to go take care of something.” she rubs my shoulder gently before they both disappear again. I wait in the silence, sitting back in my chair too rest my eyes.My head aches, along with the rest of my body, but my head is the only injury I’m bothered with at the moment. I didn’t know that this could happen. They all seemed so… nonviolent. I knew they were capable of relentless bullying, but I hadn’t expected them to be capable of relentless beatings as well. You would think they would have some kind of reputation to uphold.

But as I sit here for a minute in silence, I realize they’re anything but nonviolent; they’d crush anyone they thought necessary. “I didn’t do anything, you can’t do this to me!” I snap back to attention as the voice slices through the silence I had been hearing. I listen more carefully but all I hear is the murmuring of teachers or maybe the principal. “Just wait til my dad gets here, you can’t suspend me for something I didn’t do!” I shrink back in my seat as I realize the voices belongs to none other than Chloe. I refuse to open my eyes until the murmuring gets quieter and then I can’t hear anything again. Someone walks towards me after the silence invades the room for a few minutes.

I open my eyes, expecting to see Robin but instead I open my eyes to see Chloe leaning over me. I gasp and shrink down into my seat, despite the pain it causes. “This isn’t over, you’ll regret fucking with me, Freak.” she hisses and already I regret ever coming near the girl, or her Bitch Posse. She shoves on my shoulders and a sound of pain escapes me again. Robin and someone else comes to my rescue, pulling her away and handing her off to another teacher.

Robin and this other person sit on either side of me, I feel like I know whoever the person is but I don’t automatically recognize them, mainly because I can’t manage to look over to see who it is.

“Is she gonna be okay?” The girl’s voice emits from the unknown individual and Robin’s silent for a moment, “You’d better hope so.” She grumbles in response. The girl goes silent, almost as if she feels guilty. “I didn’t mean for it to happen…” she mumbles and there’s something else she says a minute later but it’s so quiet I can barely hear it, let alone tell what it is that she said. But what I can hear, imagining it or not, was something similar too ‘all my fault’.

After some time, my mom shows up, panicking like she always does every time something happens to me. She makes sure to do as the nurse said and rushes to the hospital in a manner that’s rather reckless compared to her usually cautious driving.

She makes it to the E.R. and guides me inside, the doctors taking me away after she pushes them to take care of me. They better bandage my wounds and send me to my own room, where I wait to get X-Rays and other things that I don’t pay attention too. The whole thing is just exhausting, I’ve had a long day. All I want to do is go home and sleep everything away, eventually I do find my eyelids drifting down until sleep gets the better of me.

Chapter 4 - "White Lights and Red Lines"

A few hours later, I wake up again. The white lights hanging from the ceiling of the hospital blind me as I crack open my sore eyes. Groaning, I lift my sore arms briefly to shield my eyes before they finally adjust to the light. Carefully I look around the room, it’s empty, other than the medical equipment and that strange doctor smell. I take another look around, confused that my mom isn’t in the room. At last, I notice a figure sitting in a chair in the corner of the room. I squint, adjusting my eyes to better see her. But this figure isn’t my mother. “Thank god, you’re awake.” The figure scoots their chair next to the hospital bed and grabs my arm.

“I was starting to get worried, you’ve been asleep all day.” I soon recognize the voice as the figure comes into focus. “R... River?” that can’t be her, what reason would she have to be here? “I know you probably don’t want to see me right now, but I just wanted to make sure you were okay after what happened.”

“Why do you care?” the bitter tone comes out of me without me even really meaning to speak. She stares at me in silence for a moment, seemingly just as stunned by the tone as I am. “I…” she stops to wipe at her eyes. Is she crying? No that’s ridiculous, she hardly ever cries and she certainly has no reason to now.

“I’m sorry… I’ll go now.” she stands up abruptly and wipes at her eyes again, sniffling as she walks. She keeps her hand on my arm, sliding down the length of it as she walks. She pauses when she gets to my hand, sighs, and walks away before I know what to do. She runs into my mother near the doorway, “Are you going home?” I don’t hear a reply, I imagine she just nods. “Are you okay? Is Ellie okay??” she rushes to my side and River takes the chance to leave, for once it seems as if she’s running from me.

“You’re awake, how are you feeling sweetie?” mom’s voice brings me out of my thoughts and I look away from the doorway. “I’m… sore. Can I go home now?” now more than ever I just want to curl up in my blankets and sleep this awful day away.  “Soon, dear. I’ll go talk to the doctor. Do you need anything while I’m gone?” I shake my head and she leaves the room; Leaving me alone with my thoughts. “Soon” turned out to be anything but, as it always is with my mother. “Soon” meant it would take her the rest of the day to talk with the doctors about when they thought it was safe to let me go home. They decided to keep me overnight of course and by the next morning I finally get to go home, doing nothing more than what I had intended. burying myself in a blanket of sleep.

I’m not allowed to go to school for at least the whole rest of the week, my mother saying it’s unsafe and my school just agreeing with the uptight woman. She keeps me in my bed most of the time, bringing me food or whatever I need, only letting me move around to go to the bathroom or to shower. I think that most kids would complain about how she may over care at times but honestly it doesn’t bother me as much as it use to. Mainly because at this point I’ll take whatever kindness I can get.

Surprisingly enough she even takes a few days of the week off from work just to sit with me and keep me company. She tells me on Wednesday that all most all of the girls that participated in my beating are being punished with school expulsion and even court fines for a majority. All of them except Chloe, who got off on all of it because of her dad being a lawyer.

The only other one that didn’t get in trouble is River, which I’m kind of thankful for. After all she never laid a hand on me, she even pulled some of them away from what I’ve heard.

Why she would do that or why she would even show up at the hospital still confuses me. She hates me… or at least I thought she did. I don’t know what to think about her so I decide not to think about her at all. Or any of them for that matter.

Friday arrives quicker than the rest of the seemingly sluggish week. But I find as quickly as it arrives, it also quickly falls back down with the rest of this agonizingly slow week. I end up sleeping until 3 or so, but I eventually wake up. I usually do when school lets out. I look around for something, anything to do.

Eventually I find my laptop sitting on the dresser by my bed. Stiffly, I sit up and reach out for it. Sore muscles scream out in pain, but I ignore it until I have the laptop on the bed infront of me. I take a minute to recover before pulling it into my lap and opening it.

I sign into a the few social media sites I have accounts on, Facebook, Twitter, things like that. I scroll through Twitter for a bit, finding nothing interesting… other than a few hateful posts about me, which I find surprising. Funny how there’s negative things about me but I’ve yet to see anything about the girls that beat me up. But that’s probably because most of the people posting said hateful comments are friends of said bitches.

Sighing, I log off and move to Facebook. I scroll through the news feed for a bit but something more noticeable catches my eye. I have at least 30 notifications; something I don’t get often and it confuses me. I click on the little globe, for some odd reason getting excited. As if I expected condolences for what happened Monday.

I do see a few scattered get wells from family members and random people that do it to make themselves look friendly. But the first notification at the very top is what tells me my timeline is going to be mainly littered with.

“Chloe Warren wrote on your timeline” I stare at it worriedly for a second before I go to my timeline. “Thanks for ruining mine and my dads week with your bullshit” is all her post says but the comments and post that fill in below it make me feel even worse. “Yeah, my school record is ruined now. Thanks bitch.” says one of the girls that had to go to court. “You’re pathetic, seriously, kill yourself.” that comment stands out the most and I notice that nearly every girl that beat me up that day liked it. All I can do is stare down at all the words, at a loss and on the edges of tears. Before the tears start to uncontrollably pour out of my eyes, mom comes in with a bowl of soup.

“Oh good, you’re awake. I made you some soup, I know how much you use to love my homemade veggie soup when you were sick.” I set the laptop aside as she hands off the bowl of steaming soup. I can do nothing more than stare down at it, watching the crackers crumble in the soup. “Is the medicine making you sick?” mom sits down in the chair she put at the side of my bed. “No... I’m just not very hungry now.” she looks at me quizzically and I can tell she senses something's up. “What were you reading?” I glance over at the laptop and shake my head, trying to shake the thoughts out. “Nothing…” she doesn’t buy it for a second. She sighs, I glance up and instantly I see the anger in her eyes, causing me to shrink away on reflex.

“Your aunt and cousin told me what they’ve been saying on there. Don’t worry about it sweetie, we’re already taking care of it. By the end of next week we’ll have those brats in so much trouble they won’t want to leave their houses.” she smiles at me when I glance up at her again, I try to chuckle at her little joke and it seems to make her feel like she did good. “Now, eat your food, dear. You haven’t eaten much in days.” She stands up, kissing my forehead before she starts to leave. She stops at the doorway, “Oh, I almost forgot, they’re making me do some over time tonight to make up for this week. Do you think you’ll be okay by yourself till tomorrow morning?” I nod my head and put on a smile for her. “Good, don’t forget to shower tonight. I’ll see you in the morning.” I nod again and with ‘I love you’s and ‘goodbye’s she’s gone.

I stare down at my food again, taking small nibbles. After an hour or so I’ve finished off the soup and I’m stuck staring at the open laptop again. I must stare at it for at least 30 minutes before I stupidly decide to pick it back up. At first I try to ignore all of the hateful comments, only looking at posts from family members or more of those “friendly” people. But after a while, all I can focus on is comment after comment by the same people who started all of this. I end up staring at that one comment on Chloe’s post for quite a while. “You’re pathetic, seriously, kill yourself.”

I just stare at those words for what feels like forever, wondering why they wrote them. I’ve never done anything to anyone, especially not this random person, that would deem worthy of saying something like that. As far as I know I don’t think anyone would ever deserve such a statement. If anyone were to receive them, I would think it to be some horrible criminal, not someone like me.

I shut the laptop abruptly and toss it back down on the dresser. I wander around the house for a bit, not sure what to do now. But for a while I just take advantage that mom’s not here to stop me from stretching my legs. That soon gets boring though so I wander back up to my room. I pick up my phone, almost forgetting for a second that I have no one to talk to. I lay down on my bed and stare up at the phone, going through my messages. I realize I hadn’t picked this thing up since summer, all of the goofy messages from River still there. I smile at them for a moment, remembering how nice things use to be. But that moment only lasts so long before I have to come back to the present. I delete all of my messages sadly and set the phone down on the dresser by the laptop.

Sighing with a sense of defeat, I get up again; Pain shooting through me as I should have expected. I walk back downstairs and get a drink before looking at the clock, it’s already 6:30 pm. I should have taken a shower a while ago.

The actual cleaning part of the shower is relatively short, but nearly an hour after I get in, I’m still here. I watch the water fall down, sliver around my fingers, and then pool at my feet. All the while my thoughts race and eventually I find myself sitting down. I turn the water back to the faucet and plug the bathtub; turning my shower into a bath. Maybe this is what I needed all week, a soothing bath to relax my thoughts. Of course I’m wrong though, the warm water does little to quiet my noisy thoughts.

I sit in silence and the thoughts only get louder. Most of them link back to River in some way, but soon enough they start to drift towards her ‘friends’. The week is over with and still my whole body hurts from their kicks, my head still aches from Chloe’s punches. All I can do is wonder why River is friends with the kind of people that would relentlessly beat up someone she use to call her best friend.

Soon enough I start to wonder if I was ever her friend in the first place, perhaps she was just my friend out of pity. Otherwise she wouldn’t so easily throw me away. Thoughts like that just keep pouring in and before I can catch myself I’m crying, nearly hysterical. Over the years I find that I get like this from time to time, most of the time I can manage to at least seem emotionless about things but other times breaking down and crying seems unavoidable. And I know what usually happens after this moment.

I rub at my arm involuntarily, looking down at the tiny scars that stain my skin like ink on paper. I rub my thumb across the scars, I don’t remember the first time I did it; It was a blur, much like every time after and probably much like this time will become.

I get out of the bath tub finally, trying to push the thoughts aside. I dry off and put on my clothes. But after that I can’t seem to find the will to move. I stare at the floor for a minute before looking up at the mirror that hangs over the sink. The girl on the other side is pale and beaten. Most of the time I can’t stand the girl I have to look back at. With her brown stale hair, her gray eyes, and the face and body that far more people have picked on than complimented; The girl on the other side of the mirror is nothing special. At times it seems like the girl on this side of the mirror is nothing to anyone.

Angrily, I walk away from the image and wander into the kitchen. I find myself staring out the window, the sun is already down being as it’s winter. I stare at the darkness, lost in thought again. The dark scares me. As childish as that sounds it’s true.

Things lurk in the dark at night, when I’m laying in my bed. Memories lurk there, good and bad, followed by tormented thoughts and unspoken words. Every fear driven thing of the universe lingers in the dark and it terrifies me. But right now it only taunts me.

You’re pathetic I can’t tell if it’s just a reminder of the words from earlier or my own thoughts starting to believe I truly am pathetic. Seriously, kill yourself. This time I’m sure the voice is more of my own thought and not just a reiteration of earlier.

I look down at my arm again, turning it over to see the small scars. They were always small, I could never cut myself deep enough to make a noticeably large gash. I was always too scared, cowardly as I told myself. Maybe this time I can actually go through with it.

Chapter 5 - "Into Another Mind"

 

☯River☯

When I’d decided to push Ellie out of my life it had been in her best interest. I hadn’t planned on her becoming my enemy of sorts but I went with it in hopes she would be safe if she wasn’t around me. But what I had in mind isn’t at all how things have gone and now she’s home in bed because my new set of fake friends beat her to a pulp. I knew when I befriended them that they had… hateful tendencies to say the least but I went with it, assuming that the worse people I hung out with the less Ellie would be around me.

I thought it was better that way and it would have been if I hadn’t been as stupid as to pick people that would bully and harm her. The worst part is that I had even participated in some of the bullying. Why I would go to such lengths I’ll never know. I’m such an idiot for thinking that nothing would come from playing along with their games and now they’ve hurt Ellie and it’s all my fault. And she knows it. That look she gave me in the hospital nearly tour me in two. She knew I had become her bully when I was suppose to be her friend. Even if I couldn’t be just her friend, I should’ve never became what I am now. God knows the girl never deserved any of this. This is exactly what I was trying to prevent : pain.

“What are you still doing here?” My sister’s voice rings out from the other side of the couch and it brings me out of my thoughts. “What  are you talking about, Zoey?” I mumble, flipping through the channels on the tv. “You know what I’m talking about. I heard what happened, it’s been a week. You need to go apologize already.” she hops over the couch to steal the remote and just this once, I don’t bother to steal it back. “Um… Again, what are you talking about?” she looks away from the tv to glare at me. “I know you had a part in what happened to El. I’m not an idiot.”

Her words stun me into silence so she continues, “Go over there and apologize, you asshole.” She shoves me off the couch and after a minute I follow her little order. I’m not one to listen to anyone and certainly not my sister, but she’s right. I need to go talk to Ellie.

I grab my shoes and make my way over to The House of Stone as we use to call it when we were younger. The stupid things kids come up with. If only we could stay that innocent.

Only ten minutes later I find myself approaching the house, walking up their driveway. I walk nervously up the porch and to the door. I prepare to knock when I notice something huddled on the floor; past the living room and in the corner of the kitchen.

It’s obvious almost instantly that it’s Ellie’s figure huddled there. Quickly I start to worry that she fell or furthered her injuries somehow. “Ellie?” I call out to see if she’ll answer, if it’s just a broken leg or something she would look up or answer back, right? After all she is sitting on the floor and not laying there so I at least know she’s still conscience. But she doesn’t move or even look up at me.

She just keeps staring down at her arm, holding it as if it’s broken. I take a closer look, peering through the window’s curtains and instantly I realize she’s not holding her arm. She’s holding a knife to it and she’s… “Ellie!” her name forces itself out of my mouth and I act on instinct; swinging the door open and rushing to her. I stop in the doorway to the kitchen because she stops mid action to look up at me, tears streaming down her cheeks.

“River?” she looks at me with so much confusion, as if I’m not really there and she’s just imagining it. “Ellie… “ I move closer and crouch down infront of her before finishing my sentence “Give me the knife.” at that something clicks in her mind. Like she’s suddenly convinced that I am a figment of her imagination and she’s free to go on as she had before I got there.  She bolts to her feet and rushes to the bathroom, slamming the door shut before I can reach her.

“Ellie open the door!” I twist the door knob only to find that it’s locked. In a panic I hit the door and look around like a wild animal in a trap. the keys, they keep the keys in the middle draw. the thought comes to life and I rush back to the kitchen and rummage through the middle draw by the stove until I find the set of house keys.

I manage to get the door open but by the time I get there, two more fresh cuts line her arms. She stops the knife as I step into the room, again looking confused and scared. “Stop, just… give me the knife sweetie.” again  I crouch down infront of her and this time she doesn’t move, she looks at me like a scared, trapped animal. “No… I have to finish this… I- I don’t want to live anymore.” she sobs out and there’s no way to describe the pain I feel when I hear her say that. She squirms away from me, “Ellie, you can’t do that . Just give me the knife, please.”

I reach out to take the knife and she jerks away from me, I only manage to grab hold of her wrist. “No!” she tries to pull away but my reflexes take over and I hold onto her arm. “Ellie, give me the knife!”

“No, let me go!” she pulls away again and I release her arm, only to hold onto either side of her face so that I can look her in the eye. “I’m not letting go, I can’t let you do this. Now give me the knife.” my voice luckily sounds a lot more calm than my thoughts and she stares at me for a moment, eyes still puffy with tears.

She drops the knife and startles me with a hug, sobbing more as she buries her nose in my shirt. “Shh, it’s okay.” I pull her closer and rock back and forth in an effort to calm us both.

I almost lost her. She could have left this world like that and she would have haunted me for the rest of my life.

I bite back tears and hug her tighter, just thankful to every god known to man that I had gotten here when I did. what if I had shown up just ten minutes later? I push the morbid thought aside and move to look at her arm, clinging onto my shirt. Red stains the blue fabric and the sight makes me sick to my stomach.

“I need to take care of your cuts.” I mumble once her sobs have calmed down a bit. She moves back silently and sits there, staring at the ground as I get the medkit from the cabinet. I wipe the cuts with disinfectant and wrap her arm in a bandage, all the while she doesn’t move or look up from that spot on the floor. I scoot closer and pick her up, preparing to take her anywhere but this dark bathroom. She doesn’t resist when I carry her out, she just buries her nose in my shirt again, like a tired child would. She seems just as fragile as a child, maybe even more so. She seems a lot smaller than she usually does, as if she tried to shrink down in order to hide from the world.

By the time I carry her up to her room and sit her down in her bean bag chair, she’s gone silent; no more tears or even the smallest sniffle. I look around the room, lost for a moment before I find myself staring down at my shirt. I stare down at the blood on it and realize there’s a little dried on my hands from bandaging her up.

In a panic I grab a bottle of water from her nightstand, riding me of her blood. I wipe my hands on my shirt and then peel the shirt off of me as if I were a guilty murderer. I walk over to her dresser, sorting through it to find another shirt but I stop when I hear her sobbing again. I walk back over to her, crouching down once more and rubbing her shoulder in an effort to calm her down. She barely seems to notice though, so I scoot her over and sit in the bean bag with her, practically sitting her in my lap but I don’t seem to care at the moment and neither does she. She hugs me again, her sobs becoming muffled in my hair. All I can think to do is go back to my back and forth motion and mutter little words of comfort.

Chapter 6 - "Moving Too Fast"

 

☀Ellie☀

I don’t know what happened, as I predicted it was a blur like every other time before. But this time was different. I didn’t want to stop. But someone had stopped me. Someone had charged in and stopped me, bandaged me up and carried me out of that dreaded bathroom; only to sit here with me in a bean bag chair.

I look up at River, muttering to me that everything’s okay. Still I wonder why she’s here and why she’s being so kind. I thought for sure that she hated me, but I guess even if you do hate someone you wouldn’t just stand back and watch them try to end their own life.

I realize after a bit that I’ve finally stopped crying and we sit in this surprisingly comfortable silence. she breaks the silence with a sniffle, “I’m sorry… This is all my fault, I’m so sorry Ellie.” she starts to ramble a bit, moving to hold me closer like I could really do something to make her feel better. I remain silent, not sure how to respond. Is this all her fault? Sure she had been friends with all the people that treated me like shit, but for obvious reasons I feel like this would have happened sooner or later.

But still I know she has a point, after all I knew something was different when she showed up at the hospital. She hasn’t been my friend for a long time so there was no reason for her to be around me… unless she felt guilty. That’s probably the only reason she’s here now, so she doesn’t have to be responsible if something happens to me; she can always say she tried to help.

“Why are you here?”doubt plagues my mind and the question falls from my mouth before I can stop it. I look up at her to gage her reaction and she stares back at me, confused. “W-what do you mean? I just thought you’d want me to stay… I don’t really want to leave you alone but I guess I can go if you want…” “No!” the protest pulls itself free before I can stop it. I’d gotten so use to her comfort that I start to speak out without any real thoughts to base my sentences on.

“No… I just thought… Why are you being so nice to me I mean?” The question finally stammers out of me. “Because I care about you, why else would I be nice?” she looks at me confused, as if it’s me who’s the odd one. It’s her who basically started all this, who gave up our friendship just to be friends with the “popular” girls that beat me up. If anything I should be looking at her like that, not the other way around. My thoughts grumble and for a brief second, it fuels enough anger to make me courageous.

“You don’t care about me, you’re a liar.” I move out of her grasp and she looks at me stunned, almost as if she’s about to cry. “No, I’m not lying… Look I can explain, I just…” her thoughts seem to cut short there, like she can’t even come up with a believable lie. I stand up in order to distance myself from her more. “Why should I have ever believed you? Every nice thing you ever said to me was probably a lie, I mean it’s not like you’d really care, you left me so easily for a new set of friends. I should have known better…”  “I never lied to you… No, I really do care about you, you were my best friend…  would you just calm down?” I start rambling and each time I stop to take a breath she tries to interject but it’s a pointless endeavor and it goes back and forth like that for what seems like hours but really it’s only a minute or so.

“I would have been fine, but then you showed up at the hospital and now you’re confusing everything. You don’t have to do this pity thing, you know, I wish you had just left me alone.” I keep my eyes glued on something outside the window but silence quickly draws my attention. That must have been the last straw for her. I turn around cautiously to find her walking towards me. She lifts her arm and instinctively I flinch, expecting a slap or hit.

But I don’t receive either of those things, in fact what I do receive is far from what I would have expected her or anyone really to do. She places her hand on my cheek, the other hand joining in the caress a moment later and instantly I’m silenced. I know I should be saying something, asking a question, anything really. But my mind goes blank, after all it only takes seconds for it to happen. Before I have time to react she leans forward and suddenly that berry smell and sweet taste come rushing back to me as if the events weren’t nearly a year apart. Just as suddenly as they reappear, I remember what happened the last time they lingered around and I realize she’s kissing me.

I pull away quickly, my thoughts starting to rush back to me as the kiss breaks. “What was that for?? You’re trying to fuck with my brain aren’t you? First you hate me and then you show up at the hospital and now you’re here trying to kiss me…” honestly, I don’t really have an excuse for not seeing it coming the second time. She cuts my sentence off with another kiss and this time I don’t really have the energy to pull away. I just stand there like an idiot and I don’t even take the opportunity to kiss her back. When she pulls away, in the back of my mind I start to wish I had kissed back; after all I never really got the chance at a kiss that wasn’t half sided last summer.

“I don’t hate you, I never hated you Ellie.” she mummers at last, forcing a tired smile onto her lips.

“But you…” despite everything she’s said and done in the past few minutes, my brain finds it hard to believe her and it struggles to pull out a protest; but I’m starting to get too tired to bother fighting back.

“I know I was terrible to you and I’m really sorry, but I didn’t mean any of it… I was just… being stupid. But I’ll fix everything, I promise.”

I stare at her for a minute in silence, my thoughts screaming out worriedly. Should I even bother to trust her anymore? ‘How? How are you going to fix anything?’ I’d planned on saying it, partly at least. I’d even opened my mouth and started to ask but it’s not like it would have done much good and I stop before I start. She looks at me for a minute and I can practically see the gears in her mind turning. Suddenly something sparks in her eyes, as if she found the answer to some silent question she was asking herself.

I don’t know how she keeps catching me off guard, I’m staring right at her, I can see that she’s planning something when she moves closer but somehow I still don’t expect her to kiss me again. I guess that’s understandable because it’s not like I ever expected her to kiss me before, but still, I should pay attention more when she reaches up to caress my cheeks yet again. But I wasn’t paying attention until after she started kissing me and despite how alert I am now, it doesn’t really help my case. I still stand there stupidly, almost like a stone statue.

After a few seconds though, I find that my limbs grow tired of being made of stone. They act on their own will; my feet shuffling closer, my arms moving up, my hands loosely grabbing the little belt loops on her jeans. In the back of my mind I can sense that this isn’t good but my brain starts to go blank and at last I kiss her back. My lips press more firmly to hers and it feels as if I needed it in order to keep myself sane. My hands move up a bit, to grab onto something sturdier than the belt loops; trying in vain to steady my body and all the shaking nerves crashing around. The tips of my fingers come in contact with skin and I vaguely remember the blood stained shirt she’d nearly torn off, trying to escape it like it stung her.

I pull away just enough to look into her eyes, trying to read the expression on her face. There’s something in her eyes, something upset in that sea of darkness but I don’t have time to gauge what it means before she moves to kiss me again. This kiss feels more urgent than the last, making her seem almost impatient. But I don’t really care at the moment, in an odd way I’m kind of just happy to be receiving kisses from anyone, despite the circumstances. I kiss back after the initial shock of her urgency wears off and it seems to earn a positive reaction from her. She starts to move, turning me around to the right with her as if she has a certain destination in mind. It brakes the current kiss and leaves me dazed and a bit confused until she moves to continue the kiss and my mind forgets everything else it was trying to process before.

My feet start moving backwards, once again against my will, and I realize that it’s River’s fault they’re moving; she gently guides me backwards and the silence in my mind finally starts to fill back in with little thoughts.  Where is she taking me? I stop my feet from moving for a minute, trying to gather my thoughts. I pull away from her kiss to speak but of course nothing comes to mind.

I move back just an inch and the back of my legs bump into the bed. It starts to sink in, I know what she’s thinking or at least part of it. And I think about moving away, shoving her out of the room, or maybe out of the house. But before I can really do any of those things, I’m on the bed and she’s hovering over me; suddenly stopping her seems like a stupid idea, trying to tell myself to stop seems equally fruitless. I don’t even know exactly what’s going to happen but I find myself not wanting to stop it, at least for the moment; even though I might regret everything later.

Before I know it she’s kissing me again and instantly thoughts of worry go silent, pretty much all thoughts go silent. Except the ones focused on her. Everything in that field of my mind is on high alert, taking note of her every detail, every move. Her hands trail carefully along my sides, almost like they’re expecting me for damage and they move in patterns that almost seem planned. One hand moves up to my cheek, stopping to run her fingers through my hair briefly as her other hand continues to follow it’s trail along my side. It stops temporarily in it’s path to trace my ribs before moving back down to trace them again underneath my shirt.

My mom always warned me to stop things once they got that far, once they get up your shirt they’ll take it as invitation to go further. I’d never bothered to listen to her before, being as she always talked that way when I never had anyone to worry about things like that with. Except for River that is, right now. But still I don’t seem to have it in me to listen to all of the warnings swimming around in my head and eventually they give up entirely. After a minute she pulls the shirt off, grazing the cuts on my arm and I mumble something involuntarily. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” she moves to kiss my cheek and suddenly those thoughts of worry are replaced with other thoughts. She’s being affectionate… This isn’t River, River hardly ever shows any emotions unless it’s anger. So why is she here right now, like this?

It’s clear at this point that she was never mad at me, or at least she didn’t hate me like I thought. She was just putting up some weird act for what reason I don’t know. But could she be putting up an act now? It doesn’t seem likely, I  know the girl can be conniving when she wants but she’s not this good of an actress. So unless I’m misjudging her acting skills, then the only other reason she would be doing this right now is if she actually has feelings for me. I use to think she wasn’t even capable of those kinds of emotions and it’s not like I would be this one special person to her. So maybe there’s some other hidden agenda that I’m not seeing.

I’m pulled out of my thoughts when I realize her kisses have moved down my neck and along my collarbone. She gets to this sensitive spot somewhere near my sternum and the sensation pulls a surprised “mmpf” out of me. She seems content with the reaction and moves on, further down my body; pausing when she gets to the edge of my bra before deciding to kiss her way back up. She kisses me once one the lips, it’s quick and wavering as if her lips didn’t want to be there. Her movements start to become hasty, unhooking my bra and pulling at the button on my jeans. For a second I wonder why I didn’t get my pajamas, had I been planning on doing something, was I suppose to be going somewhere?

The thought is quickly pushed aside when I realize I’m wriggling out of the jeans. Wait, what are we doing? Something’s not right here, a week ago her friends were beating me up and now she’s pulling my pants off… Did I miss something?

I try to voice the thoughts, only a tiny mumble coming out of me before she moves back up to kiss me again. I forget what I was going to say, only glad that we’re back to firm kisses instead of timid ones, like she was scared of me. “Shhh… I just wanted to…” her explanation trails off and she tries to cover it up by shaking her head and moves to kiss me again. My hands move to unhook her bra after a minute, as if they were just trying to follow her lead instead of mine. At this point, trying to keep my own limbs in control seems like something that would never work out so I let my hands continue to undress her without bothering to resist anymore. It’s not like I really want to resist at this point anyway, even though every thing in the back of my mind screams at me to stop.

I reach to undo her jeans, my hands not as steady as hers were. She lets me pull them off, to my surprise, before taking my hands. She interweaves her fingers with mine and gently puts my hands over my head. She gives me this look before moving to kiss my neck again, releasing my hands but I take it as a silent order to keep them in place. She kisses a trail down again, this time greeted by uncovered skin and if I were in the right state of mind I would have been self conscience enough then to stop her. But I’m not in the right state of mind, I haven’t been for the past hour or so and it’s almost like I let her take advantage of that. For a brief second I wonder if that’s what she’s doing, taking advantage of me. Is that the hidden agenda I hadn’t seen before?

I push the thoughts aside when I feel her tongue start to trace patterns on my skin. A moan leaves my throat without me even realizing at first and she reacts to it with this happy humming sound before moving to hover over me. Her eyes lock onto mine and she stares at me, almost quizzically for a moment. Her eyes seem to fill with emotions I can’t read, this look of temptation starts to unravel onto the features of her face and suddenly her eyes disappear. I sit up to find her curling her fingers around the waistband of my underwear. Before I can even react they’re gone and her lips are on my neck again. I sink back into the surface of the mattress again, startled by how quickly all of that happened. She gets to that sensitive spot on my sternum again, nipping at it and another moan forces it’s way past my lips.

In an instant I suddenly become aware of her hand radiating heat on my inner thigh; scooting closer to where I know it shouldn’t be going. Still I don’t stop her and at this point I honestly don’t know where my mind has gone. My own hands move away from the pillow they were clutching to in order to move to her back. I trace my fingers along the dark skin and for some reason memories flood to me. Memories of being on the beach, or in that goofy kiddy pool mom had bought years ago. She’s in every random memory that suddenly comes to mind and all I can think about is how we use to be when we were small, all innocent and thinking we would be friends forever. Now look at what we’ve become.

A bolt of electricity shoots through my body and in an instant I’m brought back to the real world. My cheeks are damp with tears and I’m gasping, her fingers suddenly right where I’d hopped they wouldn’t go. And then it’s like being drunk, I forget everything else, the room spins and quickly it’s filled with gasps and moans and blurs of movements. And little pleasures that snowball into losing control and before I can stop any of it, I’m hit with this wall of pleasure. My body arches into her, my hands trying to bring her closer, and my legs start shaking.

Gradually the climax ends, leaving me lying there dazed and utterly lost. I come down from the high a few minutes later and find River hovering over me. “Are you okay? You started crying when I… I didn’t hurt you did I?” I stare back at her, unable to find a reply. What just happened? I nudge her away and she moves to my side as I sit up. A minute or two of silence passes and then she seems to get impatient with worry. She scoots closer and gently turns me to face her, “Ellie? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I swear.”

I look at her in confusion before it clicks, “Wha… no, no, I’m not hurt. Just… surprisingly exhausted now.” I mumble, laying back down. “But you were crying… N-nevermind.” she lays at my side and I turn to face her. She copies the action and for a moment we just stare at each other in silence. That ‘what just happened?’ thought resurfaces and after a moment I realize what the answer is; letting out a gasp involuntarily. “What’s wrong?” River touches my arm and I look around at my surroundings for a minute before looking back at her. “Did we… Did we just have sex?” She looks at me thoughtfully for a minute. “I guess so… yeah.”the last word slips from her mouth and she gets this look of concern about her.

And now the regret sinks in. This isn’t how this should have happened. This is like losing your virginity to some random friend you get drunk with. This is even worse than that, I lost my virginity to someone who I was pretty sure hated me less than a day ago. I swore to myself that I’d follow all of those rules mom had given me, granted she wanted me to get married first but I was at least going to date the person for years before this happened. It wasn’t suppose to be like this at all.

“Oh god, don’t cry again. Look, it’s not as bad as it seems. Just relax.” River pulls me closer and whispers words of reassurance for a few minutes and somehow it does relax me. “It’ll be okay, we can talk about it in the morning. Right now you should probably get some rest, god knows you need it after the week you’ve had.” she rubs my shoulder blade and after a few minutes the exhaustion from everything that happened today finally gets the better of me and I doze off.

Chapter 7 - "Running From Shadows"

 

☯River☯

After everything Ellie quickly falls asleep, clinging onto me like I’m keeping her alive. I watch her drift asleep, how worn out she looks concerns me. The girl’s had a long week.

At least an hour goes by and still I’m wide awake, my thoughts racing uncontroallably. I’ve gone over it countless times, replaying what happened again and again and still I don’t understand any of it . If only I hadn’t been such an idiot, this wouldn’t have happened. What was I thinking? I wasn’t protecting her, I only made her life more difficult. I’m the cause of those cuts on her arm. The thought sends a shiver down my spine and on reflex I pull her closer. I take a deep breath. The smell of her rushes in, swimming around my brain and instantly I relax; knowing that she’s still here. Safe and sound.

Maybe things could have gone differently if I were a better person. If I hadn’t hurt her. If I hadn’t left her alone to befriend a bunch of spoiled bitches. It was such a lost cause, becoming someone she’d hate in order to protect her. I didn’t trust myself the first time she kissed me, I knew someone would end up getting hurt. But despite my efforts, she got hurt anyway and even worse she hurt herself. It shouldn’t have ended up like this, but it did.

What could I have done to make things different anyway? Maybe if I had just let things happen naturally instead of pushing her away… No, no, I’m the cause of all of this, her being closer to me would have just been worse.

But I still ended up in her bed regardless, god knows I could have gone about this better. As soon as the thought emerges, Ellie murmurs something in her sleep and tightens her hold on my torso. “Shh, it’s okay.” the little words of comfort leave my mouth involuntarily and it seems to calm her dreams almost instantly. She quickly goes back to a more steady, relaxed state of sleep.

I stay still for a while, not sure what to do. My thoughts continue to race, their screams torturing me. I just need to clear my head… I look down at Ellie again, she’s still soundly asleep. I nudge her away, or I try to before she scoots closer. After a few tries I can finally wiggle free and get out of bed. Cold air greets my skin and it stings, like an awful reminder of what I’ve done.

Quickly I pull my clothes on, rummage through her drawers for a shirt, and walk out of her room as quietly as my clumsy, shaky legs can manage. I find myself downstairs, in the bathroom. The door sticks now from where I was hitting it. I go to the bathroom and try desperately to push away the memories that flood back to me. I stare at the wall, it seems to be the only spot in the room that doesn’t remind me of what she tried to do. I make it to the sink and wash my hands rather absentmindedly. I make the mistake of glancing up at the mirror and for quite a while I just stare back at my reflection.

The image disgusts me, like looking at a horrible person. Which after a time, becomes understandable because I am a horrible person. I let someone I love get bullied to the point where she couldn’t take it anymore. I’m a spineless coward.

My feet shuffle out of the bathroom quickly when those thoughts start to pour in. I stumble back up the stairs and back into her room. I stop in the doorway though, the site of her sleeping naked in bed seems to startle my feet out of their somewhat possessed means of travel.

I shouldn’t have done this to her. After a moment of standing there, that’s the only thought that rings out . I’ve messed up enough already, but this was something I didn’t think even I was stupid enough to do. I don’t know why it happened really. Kissing her was understandable, I’d been wanting to ever since things started to go downhill. But this? I didn’t mean for this to happen.

I couldn’t help it, she just kept staring at me with that broken expression and all I wanted to do was fix things. So it started out with little kisses, like I was trying to kiss away her pain. Trying to erase what I’d done. But I should have known nothing good would come from it and it went too far. Now I’ve messed up things even more.

I should leave… She doesn’t deserve anymore of my bull shit. I step inside the room cautiously and stop when my feet bump into the clothes beside her bed. I stare at her for a moment and run the thought through my mind a few times. I could leave. It would be a lot better if I did, wouldn’t it? I’d be out of her life, I could find a way to disappear. She’d be better off that way.

I find myself climbing back into bed, moving back into the same position I was in when I left . She clings to me again and sleeps calmly, like I was never gone. I watch her sleep for a while, not really wanting to leave despite the little thoughts of disappearing. I need to leave before it’s too late. I can’t be hanging around when she wakes up in the morning, I’ll fuck things up again. I sigh out after a moment . I play with her hair for a while, one part of me trying to talk myself out of it and the other trying to make me leave. It’s the right thing to do. After that, I know which side’s won.

I lay there for a moment longer, not wanting to leave the surprising comfort I feel when I hold her. Reluctantly, I wriggle out of her grasp again. I sit on the edge of the bed and put on my socks, then reach around in the dark for my shoes; all the while trying not to look back at her. Moments later, I’m ready and I stand up. I glance back at her without meaning to and I find myself marveling at how she looks right now; stripped of her cover and sleeping peacefully. Now’s no time to stand in awe. I need to go. The thought pulls me out of my daze and I start to move.

She stirs in her sleep, as if she senses that I’m leaving. Murmuring in her sleep, she reaches out; waking up with a small gasp when she finds nothing but the bed sheets. “River?” she sits up a bit, squinting at me and my heart flutters at that sleepy, hopeful expression on her features. It’s simply heartbreaking just to look at her. “I… I’ll be back in a minute. Go back to sleep, sweetie.” I struggle to get the words out and it pains me to lie to her like that but I know I can’t stay and risk doing something else in the morning. “Mmm, okay.” she snuggles back into the blankets and closes her eyes again.

For a long while I just stand there, afraid that I’ll wake her again if I move. After I’m pretty sure she’s soundly asleep again, my feet shuffle towards her and I bend down to kiss her cheek. This faint smile appears on her lips and with it something pains my heart. Am I really doing the right thing right now? Maybe I could just stay…  No, that’s selfish of me, to hang around just because that’s what I’ve wanted to do for months now. I have to leave for her sake.

I shuffle out of her room, pad quietly down the steps, and rush out of the house. Out of her life, if I can help it. If I weren’t in her life things would have gone so much smoother and all that happened this week would have been totally nonexistent. Maybe now I can help her get to that outcome. I’m sure I can find a way to disappear.

It’s nearly five in the morning when I get through the front door of my house. Some of the lights are on and I can tell Zoey is already up and getting ready for work. I walk cautiously into the kitchen for a drink, hoping I don’t run into her.

But of course she comes into the kitchen with a mess of stuff in her hands. She sets the pile of papers, make up, her purse, and her jacket all down on the kitchen table in a big scattered mess before looking up at me quizzically. “Did you just get home?”

I only offer the slightest nod of my head before walking to the fridge. “What the hell were you doing there all this time? You’re lucky today’s Saturday.” I don’t offer a reply, instead I rummage through the fridge and pretend I didn’t hear her question.

“And god you’re a mess, you look like you just got out of a one night stand.” her statement makes my movements stiffen. I pull a Pepsi out of the fridge before turning reluctantly to face her, my eyes looking anywhere but at her. “Oh my god, River. You didn’t.” I start to panic when I glance at her and she gives me this look of astonishment. I set down my soda and try to hold her gaze, “D-didn’t what?” I almost dread her reply, if she found out what happened I don’t think I could deal with it right now.

“Don’t tell me you went off to sleep with some guy when I told you to go apologize to Ellie.” she crosses her arms and gives me this glare. “What? No! I did go apologize to Ellie, I’m not a total asshole. Jesus, glad you think so highly of me.” I cross my arms and copy her stance, trying to look angry but really I’m just glad she didn’t actually figure me out. “Oh… Sorry, you just looked really guilty of getting laid.” she snickers at me before moving to pack up her stuff.

For a moment I consider telling her what happened, I know she’d listen and I really could use someone to talk too right now. But then again, there’s no telling how she’d react and I couldn’t really take it if she started criticizing me. I shuffle my feet and try to look innocent. Like always, though, she sees right through me. ”… She doesn’t have some brother I don’t know about, does she? “ I kinda wish she would stop bringing up guys… “No, would you stop that? I didn’t have sex with any guys. No brothers, no distant cousins. Happy?” I sit down and cross my arms again. She seems to buy the act for now and grumbles at me. “Fine, I’m late for work so I’ll deal with you later.” I relax a bit when she says that but once she gathers her things she gives me one last look. “Hey, weren’t you wearing my Hollister shirt when you left?”  shit. “um… yeah, I uh.. got a stain on it when I was at Ellie’s.”

“That top’s new, you better not have ruined it. And don’t forget to go back over there and get it today.” she swings her purse over on her shoulder and makes her way out of the kitchen after giving me another glare. “But…” the protest leaves me involuntarily, I can’t go back there. She stops in the doorway, “But what? You shouldn’t have a problem going over there, right?” I lower my head in defeat, so much for my disappear plan. “No.” I grumble and finally she leaves.

I leave the kitchen and stomp downstairs to the little hidden room my dad had set up for me in the basement years ago. I still remember how scared I was back than and how he made the room for me as if he were trying to make up for the wrongs he had done. Like father, like daughter I suppose.

I try to push aside all the horrible memories of the past that start to occur and I flop down on my bed. I know I’ll have to go back to Ellie’s eventually and I’ll worry about it like crazy later, but for right now I’m simply too worn out to bother with it.

Chapter 8, "Darkness Falls"

 

☀Ellie☀

This wonderful dream floats around in my head. It’s bright and colorful and happy. It makes me feel like everything’s going to be okay. River is in the dream, which I should have expected; she usually is in my dreams. But this time the dream seems different. River seems different. In the dream, I wake up and she’s just there, smiling at me. At first it seems odd, I haven’t seen her smile like that in a long while. But this is a dream and the oddness of it quickly fades when the understanding of the dream comes to light.

She’s happy to be here, she’s not her usual sulky self. At least in the dream world I’m the one that can bring out this side of River. For a moment, I think it feels real. Like I could really be that one special person to somebody.

I hear this faint sound of a door closing, maybe it’s in the real world but regardless the dream goes on. She reaches up to play with my hair for a second, “Good morning, sleepy bones.” the tone brings a giggle out of dream me and if I were really awake now I would have reacted just the same.

Dream River moves to kiss my nose but suddenly her movements seem fuzzy. After a while she fades out and I realize I’m waking up. I try to keep my eyes closed in a vain attempt to stay in the dream. But it’s all but gone. The sound of birds chirping emerges from the real world.

I open my eyes, expecting the same happy universe that existed in my dreams. For a minute the sunshine and the birds leads me to believe I am still in that world. But gradually I start to wake up. River isn’t in this world. This time I don’t wake up to see her smiling at me. I don’t even wake up to see her laying beside me.

Confused, I look around the room with a yawn. Where did she go? Maybe she went to the bathroom, or to make breakfast. “River?” I call out for her but she doesn’t appear or shout out a reply in the distance. I get up and put my clothes on before  wandering around the house, I walk through the whole house and make it all the way back to my room. I soon catch on that she’s not even here anymore.

At last I finally wake up and the realization of what’s happening hits me like a brick wall.  She never came back last night like she said she would. When I woke up in the middle of the night to see her leaving, she wasn’t going to the bathroom or getting a glass of water. She was abandoning me.

I collapse back down onto the bed, suddenly feeling like there’s a huge weight on my chest. How could she do this? I knew as soon as it had happened that sleeping with her was a mistake, but in the back of my mind I felt like maybe something had finally gone right and my dream had come true. But I was so wrong. Even if it was a mistake I had never imagined that she would just leave in the middle of the night like that… Unless that was her plan all along.

She was using me. My first worry had been right all along. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to think she had actually cared about me. It must have just been sex to her…

I curl up under the blankets again, tears already forming. My muscles are still sore and I need to take my medicine, but I don’t care enough at the moment to pay that much mind. I force myself to close my eyes and go back to sleep before the crying starts. Sleep always seems to make the pain go away. Until I have to wake up.

The whole day goes by without that happening. I stay soundly asleep, stuck in my world. I hear Mom come home from work around noon, later than I thought she would arrive but I don’t pay it much attention, falling back asleep to escape my reality. She finally decides to wake me up around 8:30 to eat dinner and take my medicine. We eat the pizza she ordered in a surprisingly comfortable silence. Our meal may just be Domino’s but no matter what she always insisted on eating together, especially after dad left and for once I’m grateful for the silent dinner; because this time I at least have company.

The meal ends far too quickly, There’s not even any dishes to do tonight and despite my usual hate for it, I miss doing dishes with her. “Don’t forget your medicine, dear.” she calls out before I can go back upstairs. I find myself digging through the cabinet in the kitchen.“Are you feeling okay, sweetie? You’ve been sleeping all day. Maybe I should make an appointment to get you checked on.” She touches my forehead as I open up the medicine bottle.

“I’m fine, mom.” I grumble and take a swig of tea to help down the pills. Suddenly she gasps and I put down the cup to stare back at her. Before I can ask what’s wrong, this tone I’ve never heard her use spills out of her. “What is that on your arm??” I glance down at the bandage for a second before remembering. “A bandage.” I mutter stupidly before trying to cover it with the sleeve of my shirt.

“… The doctor’s told me to look after you and make sure you didn’t…. what happened to your arm, Ellie?” I’ve never seen her like this before, it’s like someone had tried to do something terrible to me. “It’s just some scratches, Mom. I… fell.” What would she do if she know I'm that someone who tried to do something terrible to myself?

“What happened to your arm Ellie?” She repeats in a sturner voice and it’s clear that lying would be fruitless, she always seems to see through my lies.

Nearly 30 minutes later I’ve managed to mutter through the story and she stays quiet, sitting at the kitchen table as I explain. I make sure to leave out everything that happened after I ended up back in my room. This sense of guilt washes over me as I make up an explanation that River slept on the couch and left this morning after checking up on me. I’d even thrown in the little detail of having breakfast just to ignore the truth about what really happened. I feel awful for lying to my mother, the one person I’ve always been closest to, but I can’t bring myself to disappoint her like that if I were to tell her what had really happened.

When the explanation is finished I stand near her end of the table awkwardly and shuffle my feet, not wanting to sit down in fear something will come of the close proximity. She’s silent for a while, a few minutes pass and she does nothing more than fiddle with her hands and try to compose herself. “Sit down.” she mumbles at last and the hoarse, strained tone she uses makes me sit down worriedly. She tries to hold back the tears that hover at the corner of her eyes, like a dam waiting to overflow “Let me… Let me see the cuts.” she looks up at me at last and lets out the quiet command.

“Mom…” the protest comes out of me before I really know what it is I’m going to say, anything really to avoid doing what she asks of me now. But the protest doesn’t have time to form, she cuts me off with this suddenly urgent tone. “Let me see, Elise.” I shrink back a bit at the sound of my name. She hasn’t called me Elise since that time I “ran away” at an amusement park when I was seven. The only time she uses my full name like that is when it’s absolutely necessary and it always had a way of making me crumble.

Carefully I unravel the sloppy bandage River had made, flinching when the material sticks to my skin a bit as I pull it free. This strangled gasping sound leaves my mother’s mouth and I look away from the wad of cloth in my hand to see her leaving the room abruptly. I find myself staring back down at my arm. River did her best to clean it up but even after she had bandaged it, it continued to bleed for a bit and now it’s a mangled mess of blood, purple and black bruises, and white skin to remind me of everything that lead to it. Soon it’ll be a series of scars lining my arm that will always serve as a reminder of last night and everything that lead up to it.

The sound of foot steps draws my attention away from the nightmare tattooed on my arm. Mom walks back into the room and sits back down with a first aid kit in her hand. “She didn’t wrap it properly…” she mutters, taking my arm and using what skills she learned at the nursing home to treat the cuts. “… But you’re lucky she was even there in the first place.” she continues the sentence after a moment. I glance down at my arm for a brief second and instantly I know she’s right. Five minutes later and I would have had to get stitches, ten more and…

“You could have died.” she says it simply, keeping her eyes on the wound as if she’s not able to hold my gaze. Blonde strands of hair fall infront of her eyes and she doesn’t seem bothered enough to set them back in place. As she dabs at my arm with an alcohol-soaked cloth, I find myself staring at the brownish gray roots emerging through the golden blonde. Ever since I could remember, she’s had that golden hair, when I was younger I liked to dye my hair with her in an effort to be more like my mom. I stopped dying it though, four years ago when my grandfather had died; I let it fade back to the raven hair Papi had passed down to me. Mom seemed to dye her hair more after that as if she tried to erase the pain.

She rewraps the gauze and when she finishes she looks up at me at last. I snap out of my thoughts as she starts to speak “Do you understand that, Elise? You could have died. Do you know what that would do to me? To the family? and River?” she pauses for a moment to gather herself and for a blink second River floods into my thoughts. “Promise me this won’t happen again, Ellie. You’ll talk to someone if you feel like it might happen again, go to someone, anything, just don’t let this happen again. Okay?”

I sniffle back my tears and nod slightly, “I promise.” after a minute she seems content with my response and she smiles faintly, “Good, now come here.” Before I can respond she’s hugging me and the action causes me to break down. I don’t know how long I cry but as long as it takes me to get the tears out, she stays there patiently, keeping the hug in place and murmuring words of comfort much like River had until at last the tears stop flowing.

I pull away finally and she dabs at my eyes with a napkin from the table. “You should go back to bed, sweetie. You look exhausted. I’ll get you up in the morning and have breakfast for you before I go to work, sound good?” she smiles in that motherly way like she always does. “Yeah… Okay.” I reply and stand up in a rather sluggish means before shuffling my way back upstairs and into my room. I fall back onto the bed and stare up at the ceiling, my mind racing and clearly not intent on sleeping.

For nearly an hour nothing crosses my mind but River and the main focus is how she left like she did. Little tears start to trickle down my cheeks and I try desperately to push all of my thoughts away. I start to trace the pattern on my shirt, following the lines of the cartoon animal printed on the fabric. I stare up at the ceiling as I move on to trace the next animal and soon I start to notice the cloud shapes caused by the way the ceiling was made.

A few minutes pass as I lay there in that daze but despite my best efforts to stay sidetracked thoughts still creep up on me. For a brief second I confuse the worlds of reality and daydreams, thinking the hand tracing patterns on my shirt is River’s and not my own. My eyes drift close, no longer focused on the ceiling.

Instantly I’m reminded of everything that happened last night and for a second I remember the very subtle happiness I felt when she was here. My eyes flicker open and before I know it, the rush is gone. I stare at the ceiling for a few minutes before forcing my eyes closed. My hand resumes tracing the patterns on the shirt and I try to bring back the thoughts of those short-lived moments with River.

It doesn’t take long for thoughts to trickle in, after all she comes to mind even when I’m trying to push her away so of course she’s there to whirl around in my thoughts at a moment’s notice. I try to remember all the little details, trying to relive the cherished moments that had been so quickly replaced by ones of a duller kind.

The first detail I remember about last night, for whatever reason, are her eyes. For all the years I’ve known her, they’ve always seemed distant, as if she were guarding herself or in deep thought about some terrible memory; more than likely some awful combination of both. But when those eyes were hovering over mine, for once they weren’t distant. They were focused, staring right at me; like she was peering in at my soul, at the very core of me. For the first time it felt like someone was actually looking at me. Not just glaring at the girl everyone picks on, or pitying the “poor child” some think I am; But she was actually looking at me for the human being I am.

Not only was she seeing me, but she was caring for me as well, in a way. Every touch was filled with kindness, affection, and passion. Every caress she held seemed to take away the hits and kicks that Chloe and her friends had forced upon my body. At the time it felt like it meant so much more than what it was. When I woke up without her there and realized it was just her using me, I knew then that it was nothing more than her taking my virginity. But in that moment, when she was kissing me and making me feel wanted; it was so much more than what it turned out to be.

But that was all a cleverly placed lie and this is what it turned out to be. I open my eyes again and stare up at the ceiling, my hand already in my pants. Anger courses through me. Anger towards River, towards anyone that’s ever wronged me. But mainly, anger towards myself for so easily falling for River’s tricks. Skipping the usual foreplay, I force my fingers inside me; trying to redirect all the anger. Months ago this act lost all sense of pleasure and was suddenly replaced by a sense of vengeance. It no longer provides for sexual release, now it’s only used as some twisted tool to punish myself.

Tears start to form but as if pulled by some external force, my fingers don’t stop their current actions; only increasing the pace of their strokes in anger. Eventually I force an orgasm out of myself but it brings me little pleasure; only there to remind me that it’s sexual tension that led to the regretful decisions that were made the night before.

In the aftermath I stare up at the ceiling, pulling my hand back out of my pajama pants. Despite the fact that what I’ve just done lost all pleasure long ago, it still serves as a distraction from pestering thoughts. But now, as I stare up at the ceiling and wipe my hand on some discarded piece of clothing, those pestering thoughts come racing back full force.

I toss the unknown article of clothing somewhere on the ground and suddennly a sob works it’s way past my lips and before I know it, I’m crying. I don’t know how long I lay there and cry, but eventually I must doze off. Crying myself to sleep like so many nights before; the darkness surrounding me.

Chapter 9, "Mistakes"

☯River☯

I wake up suddenly, sitting up right in a jolted confusion, sweat beading on my forehead. It was a nightmare, I know that much. Though I forget the details instantly after waking. I pinch the bridge of my nose and struggle to remember any part of the nightmare that lead to my sudden awakening. The only faint fragment I can pull out of the back of my mind is that it involved Ellie. With a gasp I remember that I was suppose to go over there; back to that dreaded house. I turn to dangle my feet over the edge of the bed and rub at my eyes before checking the digital clock by my bed. 2:38. How had I managed to sleep so long? I know during summer I can sleep a whole day away but I’ve never managed to sleep the day and half the night away. Maybe my body was trying to prevent me from waking, so I wouldn’t have to see Ellie.

I stagger to my feet like a drunk and make my way to the bathroom to empty my full bladder before I explode. I trip on the threshold on my entrance and exit of the bathroom. I stumble through the dark and find my way to the kitchen, a plate of a leftover frozen meal in the fridge like I figured my mom would plan on providing. I snatch it out of the fridge and slump into a seat at the kitchen table without even bothering to reheat it. I scarf down the meal as quickly as possible to avoid the taste. For a while after my meal is gone, I just sit at the kitchen table, unsure what to do next. I look around the kitchen, lost; before standing up and walking back to my room.

I pace around my room for a bit, trapped in my own thoughts. after at least a half hour of wandering around aimlessly, I flop on my bed in frustration. I know what I’ll have to do, not now, maybe not even today. But I’ll end up having to face Ellie again. I’m not sure how I plan to handle her, I haven’t thought much about the details of what I’m going to say when I go back there to get Zoey’s shirt back. Almost every fiber in my body is fighting the idea, willing me not to go.

But still there’s this tiny nerve in the back of my mind that’s fighting against all the others, telling me to go see her. Somehow I feel like that small part of me is going to end up overpowering everything else. That scares me. It’s not just seeing her again that makes my nerves on edge, part of it is just the fact that she has such influence on me and she doesn’t even know it. If she ever did, a part of me fears that she’d use it against me and maybe that’s why I ran away like I did. Like I’ve been doing for months. Ever since that first kiss.

“River?” Zoey’s groggy voice comes from the doorway, I sit up to find her crossing the threshold in her night shirt. “Hey, what’s up?” I try to sound cheery, putting on a smile on. “Thought you were awake, this is my only day off this week and you’ve managed to ruin my sleep already.” she grumbles, meaning it in a far more joking way then it came out with her sleepy voice. “Sorry” I mumble, fiddling with my nails. She sits on the bed across from me, folding her legs under her in a slow almost drunken movement; much like I had been when I woke up. “It’s fine, I can tell somethings up. What is it?”

Funny things about sisters, they always sense when somethings off. “Nothin.” I mumble, but I already know it’s pointless to try and squirm my way out of this. “River. Spill it.” she hits my arm and gives me this stern glare. Sighing, I know I’ll have to explain. Maybe I can get the help from her I’m desperately needing, but then again there’s still that chance she’ll get upset and I really don’t need another conflict.

Regardless the story starts slipping out of me and before I know it I’ve told her everything. She stares at me wide eyed when I tell her I’d slept with Ellie but she remains silent until my story is over. “You… slept with her? And you just left the house??” She gives me this astonished expression and already I can tell I’m going to be reprimanded for my actions. “Yeah…” I say cautiously.  “Jesus, River. What were you thinking? You never pull that leave in the middle of the night move.” I stare at my hands, too guilty to meet her gaze. “I just thought it would be better after everything that happened.” I weakly try to defend myself but even I can’t justify my own actions that night. “That’s never the better choice, lil sis. No girl likes waking up the next morning to find out it was a hit and run.”

I look up at her in a flash. “It wasn’t like that! I just… panicked. I didn’t know what else to do, you know I would have done something stupid the next morning.” She takes in that last sentence and thinks it over for a minute. “I know you’re a screw up, hence why you ditched her after getting in her pants.” She pauses to let the jab sink in and it works, sinking it’s claws into my heart. I stare at my hands again as she continues. “But that girl’s been your only friend since… you know.” instantly I do know what she’s referring to and the painful memory resurfaces, still affecting my life so many years later. “Don’t remind me, you know better than to talk about that.” I grumble, pulling my eyes away from my hands to glare at her. Her expression softens at that.

“I know, sweetie. What he did to you was terrible and we’ve all told you if you ever wanted to talk to…” She brushes my hair out of my eyes and I have to cut her sentence there. “We weren’t talking about that, weren’t you going to make some point about Ellie?” she sighs and moves her hand away from my hair; back down to my knee. “You’re right, I’m sorry I brought it up. It’s just… You barely made any friends when we moved after… What I’m trying to say is, that girl stuck with you through all of that and I know she means too much to you for you to let the relationship die like that. You messed up pretty bad but I know you know how to fix it, you’ll be fine.” she pats my knee encouragingly and after a minute of my silence she adds “She’s a really sweet girl, you know. I approve, I’ll back you up if mom and dad give you a hard time.” She smiles when I glance at her and I can’t help the giggle that slips out, “Thanks, Zoey.”

“You know, I kinda always knew you liked her. I invented that puppy love look so you’re not fooling me.” She snickers and instinctively I hit her arm. “Go back to bed, sissy.”

“Alright, Alright. Goodnight, River Bug.” She gives me a quick hug before shuffling out of the room. I lay back down and stare at the ceiling, too worried and energetic to go back to sleep. I glance over and check the clock again. 3:18. Ellie’s mom should probably be getting up for work right about now. For a moment I wonder if I should go over there now. But I quickly push the thought aside, fearing that she would be angry at me for what I had caused. If she knows it was mostly my fault her daughter hurt herself like that, she’ll kill me on spot. Better not take the chance, Ellie will probably be asleep anyways. So I’ll wait.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stand infront of the front door of Ellie’s house. I’ve been standing here for nearly 15 minutes, unable to reach up and knock on the door. I shift my weight and my thoughts race with worry. Eventually I manage to trick my limb into finally ringing the door bell. “Come in!” after a minute Ellie shouts from somewhere inside the house. Cautiously I step inside the house, shutting the door behind me. I walk inside the house, stopping in the kitchen for a second; the memory of that knife coming back to haunt me. I move assed the kitchen and make it to the kitchen table before Ellie's voice stops me “The bill’s on the counter and the box is out back.” her voice reaches me from somewhere in the bathroom. Right after speaking she comes out, combing her hair.

She freezes when she sees me, dropping her comb and her eyes widen in an almost fearful way. Just at the site of me, her eyes tear up. Before I can even say a word, she’s stepping back, knocking the forgotten comb out of her way and within seconds she’s gone. After a second of startled confusion, I follow after her; up the stairs and stop at the closed door of her room. “Ellie, I just wanted to talk to you. Please open the door.”

“Go away.” is the quiet, muffled reply I catch. “Ellie just let me in, I’m not here to mug you or anything.” a minute or two of silence passes before I hear her moving inside. The door unlocks and she pushes it open slightly before disappearing into the darkness of her room. I wait a minute or so before pushing the door open and stand in the doorway. She doesn’t speak, she’s sitting on the far corner of the bed, pressed up against the wall with her legs pulled up to her chest; looking as if I’d attack her if she weren’t squeezed into her hiding spot. She keeps her gaze on her hands as I move to hover over the bed. “Hey…” I mumble stupidly. She doesn’t even look up at me.

“Look, I just came over here to…” I don’t know what it is I would have said. Made up an apology? Tried to explain why I had left? Made up another lie? Whatever it is I would have said, I’ll never know because she cuts me off before I can think of something to say. “W-why are you here? Can you just leave?” She glances up at me and all I see in her usually sweet eyes are hate. It nearly tears my heart in two and it stuns my reaction, for a few seconds I stand there flabbergasted. “… I just wanted to talk to you.” I mutter, still at a loss for words. “There’s nothing to talk about, just go.” she turns away from me to stare out the window by her bed. “You can’t just ignore me forever…” The statement was a stupid one, poorly thought through and obviously hurtful judging by her reaction; when she looks away from the scene outside the window to stare at me, I instantly regret opening my mouth. “Ignoring you? You left me, River. You used me and you didn’t even have the decency to stay the night so don’t talk to me about ignoring you.”

“I didn’t use you…”

“Bullshit.” She huffs at me and stands up before turning back to the window. “I didn’t, Jesus the least you could do is hear me out.” the irritated comment slips and again I instantly regret speaking. Why can’t I just learn to not be a total jackass? “I don’t have to hear you out, I’m tired of you telling me lies. Just leave, River.” She turns to face me using this stern voice I've never heard her use; pointing to the door behind me as she speaks. “I’m not leaving until you let me explain.” I try to sound as stern as her but my voice comes out shaky and unsure. “You didn’t care enough to talk to me after you took my virginity.” She snaps back and by this point I can tell this is going to turn into a heated argument. “It wasn’t like that, you know I care about you. I just…”

She pushes me and I stumble back, startled by the unexpected action. She starts to actually cry now, no longer able to hold back the tears that brimmed at the corners of her eyes. “Shut up! Stop lying to me, you don’t care about me!” she nearly shouts at me, shoving my shoulders again. “I’m not lying to you! Why can’t you just listen to me?” I shout back.

“Why can’t you just leave?” She pushes me towards the door again and carefully I take hold of her hands. “Stop, you’re going to hurt your arm.”

“Let go of me.” She hisses and tries to pull her hands free but for whatever reason I keep my hold. “I just want to make sure your arm’s okay, just hold still.” I grumble, trying to turn her arm over to look at the bandage.

“My arm’s fine. Stop touching me, Let me go.” She growls again and pulls her hands free, moving to smack me but I grab both of her arms again before she can strike my face.

“Ellie, stop….” She balls up her fists and hits my shoulders a few times.

“Let me go, god…” She starts crying again “I fucking hate you.” The sentence catches me off guard and it feels like it would hurt me less if she had punched me. Somehow I still manage to keep my hold and after that sentence she seems to drain herself of the energy to fight. She simply gives up, resting her still balled up fists on my shoulders; clutching onto my shirt. She sniffles a bit in a weak effort to stop from crying. I struggle to find words to comfort her but I can’t manage to speak and good wording escapes me.

Not knowing what else to do, I let go of her arms and reach up to move the hair out of her eyes. She looks up at me, her expression looking so pained it hurts me just to look at her; let alone hear her speak. Before she actually can speak or move away, I move to kiss her. She doesn’t even have enough fight left in her to pull away; she just stands there, frozen. Her reaction (or lack of a reaction) forces me to try to kiss her again, trying to gain a reaction from her. She kisses back a little bit this time, more out of obligation than really a want to kiss me. The kiss breaks and after a second I try one last time to get the reaction I’m so desperately searching for. This time she seems to cave in, kissing back as if she forgot that she was suppose to be restraining herself. Thrilled by achieving my goal, I deepen the kiss as if I needed her to kiss me back in order to survive. Like in that moment her kiss was the breath of life.

I move closer and she stumbles back onto the bed. This feeling in the pit of my stomach resurfaces and I already know from past experience what my body plans on doing. But I don’t bother stopping myself, pulling at the button on her jeans. I realize I need this, more than I’d be willing to admit. But I need her, right now; squirming and moaning under me.

She pulls her top up over her head, already knowing what’s next. Almost as if she has no choice. For a moment I almost stop myself but she tugs at my shirt and forces me to pull it over my head before taking my bra off too and tossing it aside. And just like that, the thought of stopping is erased as I do the same to her bra; moving to nip at her neck like she’s some meal I have to test out first before devouring. I move down to kiss her collarbone as she wiggles out of the now unbuttoned jeans.

This time I don’t even have the patience to wait for her underwear to slip off. I slide my hand under the fabric, my fingers quickly finding the familiar spot that brings her so much pleasure. She gasps, startled by my impatience. Soon enough, she’s holding onto my shoulders like I’m the only thing keeping her steady. Her grip becomes almost painful. Her nails dig into my skin slightly when she climaxes. I hold her steady as she comes down from the high, the knowledge that I can do that to her forcing a fuzzy high of my own on me. A few minutes of silence passes before she finally softens the grip on my shoulders and looks away from the ceiling to lock eyes with me; looking like she's disappointed in the person I've become. The look in her eyes forces an “I’m sorry.” out of me. The apology slips out without me really knowing what it is I’m saying.

“For what?” This bitter tone comes out of her that I’m not use to hearing from her naturally sweet voice. “For leaving. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I swear. I just… panicked.” She looks at me thoughtfully for a minute before muttering “It’s okay.” in a rather defeated way. “No, it’s not okay. I shouldn’t have hurt you after all I already put you through and…” she cuts me off with a soft, quick kiss and it silences my thoughts; giving her enough time to speak. “Don’t worry about it, it’s okay, really. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” I stare at her doubtfully, knowing she’s not telling me the truth. “Yeah, don’t waste your energy worrying about someone like me.” she says it so softly, looking away and I almost don’t catch it. “Don’t talk like that… You don’t know how much you mean to me.” in that moment of weakness, I let the comment slip. She looks back up at me, her eyes finally rid themselves of that awful gloom they’ve had in them for so long now. For a brief second, they shine like they use to and the sight warms my heart just a bit. But before I have the chance to fully take it in, her expression changes to one of disbelief. “Do you actually mean that?”

I reply almost instantly “I told you I wasn’t lying, I do care about you. I’m just… bad at showing it, I guess.” I mutter that last part sheepishly and at last, I pull a smile out of her. She moves up to kiss me again and the kiss lasts a bit longer than the last, leaving me in a blissful daze. She pulls away and it takes me a second to realize she’s talking again. “Will you stay this time?” she asks so hopefully that it makes me crumble before I can even think of running away again. “Of course I will.” I move to kiss her cheek, pulling an adorable giggle out of her before I move to her side and pull a blanket over her. She curls up at my side just like she did the first time. But this time I don’t hesitate to hold her closer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We talk for a while. About pointless things really, but somehow I don’t mind the pointless chatter like I usually do when Chloe or her friends would jabber my ear off. Ellie’s not like them. She talks in this adorable shy voice about all the good things from our childhood, this horse she got to ride not long after I had walked out on her during that awful summer. She talks about nice fuzzy things instead of all the awful drama I hear from Chloe’s friends.

Ellie’s nothing like them. She’s a million times better, she’s someone actually worth being around. As ridiculous as it is to say, she’s one of a kind. The kind of girl that the good guy in the movie always searches for. And here she is, curled up in the arms of a girl who’s a complete screw up. I don’t deserve this girl. The thought hits me like a wall and I know in an instant it’s the truest thought I’ve had in months.

“River?” She glances up at me a couple minutes into the conversation, trying to hide a yawn. “Hmm?” I look away from the ceiling to see that cute, sleepy look on her face. “You’re thinking … You’re not thinking of leaving again, are you?” she asks worriedly. “No, I was thinking about you.” I answer honestly, for once. “Really?” she beams at me, trying to  hold back another yawn. “Yeah.” I kiss her forehead and smile at her. “Get some rest. We can take a nap and then we’ll get some lunch. How’s that sound?” She smiles at me sleepily. “Sounds… good.” she mutters before nodding off. I play with her hair and watch her sleep for a while; calm, easy breathing. Until finally I doze off too.

Chapter 10, "Secrets"

 

☀Ellie☀

I wake up about midday, the sound of a car pulling into the drive is the first sound my sleepy head registers other than River’s slow breathing. I nuzzle into the comfortable spot beside River and almost go back to sleep. Before I realize who’s car is pulling into the driveway.

“Ellie, I’m home. I hope you’re up by now.” Mom shouts from somewhere downstairs. I sit upright in a flash, pulling the blanket with me. River jolts awake with the sudden movement, “W-what’s going on?” she asks, startled by the rude awaking. “My mom’s home. Get dressed, quick.” I mumble a response, tossing her clothes at her as I pull on mine. She puts them on groggily, barely getting dressed before my mom walks in.

She takes in the scene for a second but doesn’t seem too fazed, “Oh, Hello River. I didn’t know you’d be stopping by. I’m glad you woke Ellie up for me, god knows she can sleep all day if not disturbed. I’m about to make myself some lunch, you two come down in a few minutes and I’ll have some wings ready.” She leaves the room without even letting us speak. “That was close.” River snickers, fixing my undone pants that mom somehow didn’t notice. “You don’t think we were obvious or anything, do you?” I turn to look at her hopefully and she gives me this cocky grin, “She’ll never suspect I had you moaning a few hours ago.” she snickers again.

“Jerk.” I hit her arm playfully and she moves to wrap that arm around my waist. “Deal with it.” she kisses my neck and I pull away, startled by her sudden affection. “What’s wrong?”

“N-nothing.” when she gives me that concerned look, I can’t seem to hold her gaze. I still can’t believe her.

“El, talk to me, did I do something?” she moves to hug my waist again, resting her chin on my shoulder and staring at me quizzically. “No… I’m just not use to you being… nice, I guess.” She seems almost hurt by that answer and after a minute she moves to hug me tighter. “I’m sorry, I’ve really fucked things up, haven’t I?” I look away from her to look out the window. “No…. I just don’t know what to think, is all.”

She moves away from the hug so she can look me in the eye.“You know I never meant for any of it, right? I didn’t mean for any of the bullying, or what Chloe and her friends did to you, or… leaving like I did.”

“I know…” I mutter instinctively, I don’t really know. How can I still be trusting her after everything she’s done? “I know I’ve been a total ass but I’ll fix everything. I swear.” I think her words over for a minute. Honestly what do I have to lose? What more could she do to me? “Okay.” I manage a smile and she smiles back at me, moving to kiss me lightly and it catches me off guard. That’s the first time she’s kissed me without it being in the middle of a fight, without any sex involved before or after. It was simply a kiss, like a normal girlfriend would do. Girlfriend...

“River… what does this make us now?” I regret asking as soon as I open my mouth. She stares at me wide eyed, like she was hopping I’d never ask that question. Maybe there is a little more damage she can do to me.

“I don’t know, Ellie. We really shouldn’t talk about that now… Your mom’s probably done with those wings, we should go eat.” She stands up and starts walking to the door. I grab her arm before she can get away from me, she’s not getting out of it this easy. “Wait, why can’t we talk about it now?”

“It’s just… I really don’t want to hurt you again and I’d just rather not talk about this right now, come on we should go eat.” She tries to pull me to the door but I stand my ground. ‘I don’t want to hurt you again’ “You don’t like me do you? Is that why you don’t wanna talk about what this makes us? You don’t want to deal with rejecting me, right?”

“Oh, god. Ellie, don’t give me that look. You know that’s not why….”

“I don’t know, if you don’t like me you could have just said that from the beginning, you didn’t have to force yourself to have sex with me or whatever you were doing…” She stops my sentence by putting her hands on my shoulders. “Stop it, you worry too much. I didn’t force myself to do that. I do like you, so stop saying that before I pinch you.” that pulls a small smile out of me. For a minute we stand in silence before I finally get up the courage to ask “Does this make us… together or something?” her eyes widen to that cartoon size again and for at least two minutes she stands in silence. “Look… I haven’t dated anyone like, ever, and for good reason. I’m just… scared of people.” she admits that last part so quietly I think I hear her wrong at first. River, scared of people? I’m sure I heard her wrong, she’s not scared of anyone.

She’s scared of me. I realize after a minute. “You’re scared of me?” she moves away from me a bit, shifting her weight nervously. “Yes… Tell anyone I said that and I’ll deny it. But I am, it’s hard to explain… I’d have to tell you about my past, why I moved here.”

“Oh… You don’t have to, I know you hated talking about it when we were little. It doesn’t matter, we can just keep being friends…” I had the whole sentence planned out, I’d planned on telling her I’d be her best friend again and she wouldn’t have to talk about why she moved because I sensed it had something to do with a past relationship. I tried to get the sentence out but she cuts me off with a startling “No!”

She tries to collect her voice before speaking again. “You have a right to know, you’re my best friend. And I don’t want to go back to the just friends stage. I really like you, I just… I’ll tell you tonight, okay?”

“Okay.” I mutter, slightly confused. But if she doesn’t want to talk about it now I understand that. A small part of me gets overly excited that she trusts me enough to tell me something like that later.

“Good.” She moves to kiss me on the cheek before nudging me towards the door again, “Can we eat now? I’m starving.” She rubs her stomach dramatically and it pulls a giggle out of me. “Let’s go.”

When we get to the kitchen, Mom is already done reheating the wings she got from some store on her way home. She pushes the container of chicken towards us as we walk up to her. “Help yourselves. It’s nice seeing you again, River. What brings you by?”

“Just checking on Ellie. Oh and I left a shirt around here, you haven’t seen it by any chance, have you?” Mom thinks her words over for a minute. “You mean the blood stained one I found in Ellie’s room before I left this morning?” The mention of the shirt makes me lower my head, staring at the plate I’m fixing with extreme concentration. “Yeah… That one.” River cringes a bit at the mention of the blood and instantly mom catches on. “It’s in the hamper, I’d planned on getting the stains out later…” Already, River’s moving to the laundry room; walking by mom into the small room in the far corner of the kitchen like she’s trying to hide.

“Thanks, I’ll take care of it when I get home. I wouldn’t want to worry you with it.” She mutters as she digs through the hamper, finding the shirt quicker than she wanted. I watch her pick the shirt up carefully, staring down at the red stains grimly. “I’ll give you money for another one, I’d hate to keep it, if it were me.” Mom comments. “No… It’s okay, I have to give it back to my sister anyways.” River mummbles, balling the shirt up in her hand and walking back out to the counter; grabbing the last of the chicken.

“River… I can’t thank you enough for helping the other night…” Mom starts, her eyes already watering. River stares at the ground as she walks to sit beside me at the kitchen table. “Don’t worry about it, Addie, I’d rather not talk about it though…” at that Mom nods her head in understanding and we eat the rest of our meal in silence.

By the time the meal ends, River hints that she has to go home for something “important”. I’d expected her to leave, I’m just glad she gave me a warning first. And at least she did stay for a majority of the day, I can’t really ask much more from her.

I tag along as she walks to the door, when she gets there she turns and notices I’m still around. I notice at pretty much the same time she does, wondering why I hadn’t gone off to do something. What did she need an escort to the door for? I never did it before in all the years we were friends, do I suddenly have some reason for following?

“I’ll come by later, okay?” She makes sure her voice is too soft for mom to hear, not that she would; she’s all the way in the living room by now. “Yeah, okay.” I mutter, trying to sound placid through all my excitement. “Good, I’ll see you tonight.” She moves to kiss me briefly, just the small kiss leaving me dazed and lost when she leaves.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day goes by at an excruciatingly slow pace. I must have paced back and forth in my room a hundred times, my thoughts racing with worry. Of course all I could think about was meeting River again and what I would say. I don’t know how I’m going to manage myself, I’ve never been very good with words. What am I suppose to say when she tells me whatever it is she wants to say? I don’t know how I’m suppose to react because for one, I don’t even know what exactly she wants to say. I know she has something going on, some past relationship she can’t let go or maybe someone hurt her. But whatever it is, I don’t know what I’m suppose to do. Is there something specific I’m suppose to say? Do I hug her?

Jesus, I’m acting ridiculous. I’m over thinking things, I just need to relax. Things were so much easier before I kissed her, when we were best friends. I’d be a lot better off if thoughts like that would stop pestering me. I need a distraction.

“Ellie, I’m going to the store. Do you want anything?” I jump to my feet and rush to get ready, I really need to go with her. I haven’t been out of the house in weeks. “Wait up, I’ll be down in a minute.” I shout in reply, she’s silent for a few minutes. “Oh… Okay.” I can barely hear her reply from up here and I know she’s thinking. I rush down the stairs and slip my shoes on. She smiles at me when I look up at her. “Hey, I bet we can find a shirt for Zoey. If I know River well enough, she’ll never get that shirt fixed up.” she chuckles a bit and somehow having her around and joking like that just melts my worries away.

☯River☯

I’d spent most of the day trying to get the stains out of Zoey’s shirt but most of the time I lacked the concentration or the desire to do it long enough to get the stains properly removed. I give up on the pointless project around noon, I’ll just get Zoey a new shirt at some point.

I end up back in my room again, passing the time by staring at either the ceiling or the clock hanging on the wall. I try watching the little tv my dad had set up but I can’t seem to focus on that either. I try anything to pass the time but nothing seems to pull me out of my thoughts. I’m too worried about seeing Ellie again. I honestly don’t know how on earth I manage to get in the situations that I do. I could have found something better to say but somehow I let my past fuck me up again. I could have just told that I’m not good with relationships and at this rate she would have understood that instantly.

But somehow I’d managed to tell her I’m scared of people and it sunk even further when she’d asked that one question that made me falter. ‘you’re scared of me?’ something about the way she asked just made me feel weak, like I had let what happened to me turn me into this pathetic child. It may have screwed me up a lot but the prideful side of me would never admit that and that’s why I slipped up. I told her I had a past and worse yet I told her I would explain what happened. In a few hours I’ll be over there again spilling the story I never wanted to speak of again. Just the thought of retelling it sends my mind reeling. I roll over and try to push the thoughts aside, eventually dozing off.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was only ten when it started, I didn’t understand anything when it came to things like that. I was only a child after all. If you had told me at that age what would happen to me in the future, I wouldn’t understand. But I would understand later, I would understand when it happened. I would understand every other day then on for the rest of my life what it meant. But I’ll never really understand why he did it.

On my tenth birthday, my dad had thrown me a party. It was the first birthday party he had set up for me, he thought I was old enough to start having parties every year like my sister.My dad’s always been strange about certain things, some would say he was like that to save money but I know it’s just some kind of odd tradition he has. A family thing.

On that party, everyone in my family came to see me. Most of them I had never seen in my life before and on my next birthday I wouldn’t see most of them again. But there was one person that I can remember 100% that always came to every birthday party. My father and Uncle Neil were always close so it never came to me as a surprise when he should up on my tenth birthday party. He was always around, he’d become just another part of the family.

He got me a toy pony that year, I burned the damned thing years ago but I still remember playing with it in our back yard with my friends. That’s all I did on that first party. Until everyone’s parents had picked them up and took them home. Uncle Neil had picked me up and took me out of the back yard, carrying me into the kitchen. “Here, Ira. I brought you something.” he plopped me into my dad’s arms and at the time I was giggling up a storm. Dad set me down and I finally quieted myself. I brushed the pony’s hair as Dad and Uncle Neil talked. Uncle Neil came up to me before he left and smiled, I was too young then to know the smile was strained.

“What a beautiful girl your daughter’s turning into, Ira.” He fluffed my hair and that’s when it started. No one had said anything specific, no one knew. Maybe at the time he didn’t even know, but that’s when it started. He had this troubled look in his eyes and a little thought came to him for a split second. I’m no mind reader but I knew, somehow I just knew something had came to him. And that little pestering thought would come back to haunt him.

He fluffed my hair one last time when he was getting ready to leave and kissed my cheek before walking to the door, my dad not far behind him. “You’ll have the money soon, right?” Dad’s voice was hushed but I still heard it from the front door as I sat in the living room with that dreaded pony. Uncle Neil was silent. “You can’t keep bumming off me forever, Neil. I can’t keep protecting you.” Dad tried to warn him but he left without a word before Dad could continue.

Things like that kept happening over the years, but as a child I brushed it off; not wanting to worry about the matters of adults. Children don't worry about money, the idea seems so foreign and such an odd concept. My parents always seemed to come up with the money when needed so sometimes I even wondered why they worried at all. I didn't know what you had to do to get the money, I didn't understand work, or selling your stuff, in some cases taking things too far just to get a few 20s here and there. I thought nothing of things like that, my childhood was for the most part innocent. That is, until Uncle Neil had showed up at my 12th birthday party with two other men. The three of them would soon shatter everything I had come to know in life.

I don’t remember the first one well, my brain has learned to push him out of my memory. All I do remember is that he wore a hawaiian shirt that day and he was a balding, middle aged man. The other one I remember in far more detail, despite not wanting to. Much to my dismay over the years, I remember every detail of his face partly just because he was the one who was so close. That dark, merciless face still shows up in my nightmares.

Uncle Neil had introduced me to them but now their names are no longer in my memory. He said they were his friends and they were just there because they all had somewhere else to be after my party. Dad didn’t like it at all that Neil had brought his friends but he said nothing of it.

The party, for the most part, was actually nice. Just like each one before it and each one after. Dad had even gotten a bouncy house that year.

It was only the event after the party that ruined my 12th birthday and would soon ruin more days than that. The whole party Uncle Neil and his friends had been standing off to the side, watching and talking quietly. But they never interacted like my dad and mom did so I quickly paid them no mind. Uncle Neil’s friends had suddenly decided to leave when the party was coming to a close and when the party had ended, only my dad and Uncle Neil were left there. My mom was out shopping and Zoey went to a friend’s house. I was all Dad’s responsibility and in the future he would beat himself up for everything that would happen.

Uncle Neil offered to take me out for ice cream while Dad was cleaning up, Dad was reluctant at first but he seemed so worried with the mess that he agreed after a few minutes. So Uncle Neil picked me up and took me to his car. He started driving. The drive seemed longer than it should have, the ice cream place wasn’t too far from our house. After a few minutes I stopped playing with my toys and looked out the window, we were just passing the ice cream place.

“Uncle, I thought we were getting ice cream.” he frowned when I spoke, as if my voice had reminded me that he had done something wrong. To this day I still think my voice reminded me that I was human, that I was family.

“We’ll get ice cream on the way back, sweetie. My friends want to meet you, you’re a very special girl, you know.” I was too innocent to sense that something was wrong. “Is it because it’s my birthday?” I started to get excited, thinking he had planned some surprise for me. “S-sure…”

Not long after he had said that he turned into an alley that lead to an empty looking warehouse. He parked the car and carried me inside. The two men from before were there. “Hello.” I smiled at them cheerfully, waiting for some hidden birthday gift that wouldn’t come.

Uncle Neil set me down on this dirty, awful mattress, but I tried not to protest in hopes it would get me to my gift quicker. He walked back over to the two men as they counted out money. They handed it over and he looked back at me grimly. Suddenly I didn’t feel as excited, anytime an adult looked like that it never meant anything good. “Alright, just touching remember? We had a deal.” Uncle Neil mumbles to the taller, darker man. “Yeah, yeah. Relax, she’s probably too small for much else so I won’t bother and it’s not like he’ll try, he’s too worried about getting busted.” The man grumbled, nodding to the other man as he put his wallet back in his pocket.

When Uncle Neil was satisfied, he put the money in his pocket and stepped aside for the man to walk up to me. The man kneeled down infront of me and looked me over like I was a dog in a pet store and he was picking from the lot. He grinned this wicked grin. “Nice kid you got, Neil. How’d you manage this one?”

“My brother’s… I needed the money.”

“Don’t you always? Shame you had to reach into the family funds like that.” The man infront of me snickered and takes a step back. “Why don’t you go first, newbie?” He shoves the other man in my direction and cautiously the balding man kneels down infront of me. “H-hello there, little one.” This second man was a lot shier than the first and for a few minutes he just stared at me. Every now and then he would reach out to feel my arm or my neck and the longer time passed the more handsy he got.

Eventually the first man got fed up and pushed the balding man out of his way. “Oh, Jesus Christ. You don’t know what you’re doing at all, let me.” He yanked on my arm and pulled me to my feet. “Lift your arms, kid.” I did as he ordered and in one quick movement my shirt was yanked over my head. Uncle Neil stepped in when the man started undoing my pants. “Hey, what are you doing?” he hovered worriedly behind the man as my pants came undone. “This was part of the deal, Pettitt. You know that.” the man forced me to sit back on the mattress and pulled my pants off.

That’s when I started to panic, my parents had warned me about things like this. This man was a bad person. I looked over at my uncle, who had moved back into the corner of the room. “Uncle, I wanna go home.” I pouted but my protest was quickly shot down. “Just sit still and be quiet and when we’re done here I’ll get you the ice cream I promised you. Okay?” I stared at him for a few minutes but when I was sure he wasn’t budging I reluctantly agreed. Adults always knew best, right?

The man started touching me, at first just in normal spots; like my arms or legs. I didn’t feel comfortable with it like I usually did when my dad would pat me on the shoulder or my mom would take my arm in the store. But I kept still and silent like my uncle had told me to. Until the man started touching my sides and eventually my chest. I knew for certain then that his touches weren’t kind, they had evil intentions behind them.

I squirmed, scooting as far away from him as I could. But he pulled me back and told me to sit still. I did for a few minutes, despite my discomfort. Until the touching kept getting worse and pretty soon I was crying for Uncle Neil to take me home. “Neil, I haven’t even gotten an inch into her underwear yet, shut the kid up.” The man growled at my uncle and reluctantly he moved towards us. “River, I need you to listen to me. Okay? Just sit still for a few more minutes and we’ll get the ice cream, I promise.” he had promised we'd leave and I'd be safe. At that age I was brought up to believe him. To trust him. Because he was family.

I tried to stop crying and sat as still as I could manage. After a few more minutes the man reached the destination he’d been searching for. He put his hand inside my underwear and the instant my skin had contact I squirmed away again.

That had been the last straw for the dark, cruel man. He pulled me back to him and ordered the other man to hold me down. He pulled my underwear off and I tried to get free but of course my efforts were in vain.

I did everything in my power to block out the experience as the two men continued the rough touches. The first man stopped to unbuckle his pants, reaching one hand inside before continuing to touch and probe my body. The other man did the same and they went on with what they were doing for several minutes. I remember squeezing my eyes shut to block out the rest of the world until finally it stopped. The touching stopped, their rough, hot breaths moved away from me and they let me go. I rushed to put my clothes back on and ran back to the car.

Uncle Neil joined me a few minutes later and tried to smile weakly at me. “How about I get you that ice cream now?” his voice came out strained and rough. “I’m not hungry now, I just wanna go home.” I muttered back. He sighed and a few minutes of silence passed. “I need you to do something for me, River… Don’t tell anyone about today. It’ll get us both in a lot of trouble, your parents would be furious. You wouldn’t want that would you?” I remember I had let out a “No.” barely above a whisper just so he would stop talking. “Good, that’s my girl.” He moved to fluff my hair but it no longer held the fondness it did before, now his touch only sickened me.

It happened a few more times, he’d managed to sneak me out of the house once or twice every month. I don’t know what kind of excuses he used but eventually Dad or Mom must have seen through them. They found out what he was doing. The last time it happened he had brought me home and Dad had this look on his face, Mom couldn’t even come out of the bedroom. One small glance at how I looked was all it took for Dad’s assumption to become reality. When he realized what had happened it looked like the very core of him had exploded, that’s how angry he had been.

He’d managed to get a confession out of Uncle Neil and that’s when the cops came out of hiding, they took Uncle Neil away and had to hold Dad back. He was screaming all kinds of things at my uncle, he looked as if he would kill him if the cops weren’t holding them apart. They managed to drag him out of the house and I never saw him again. The word ‘court’ came up and my parents went to the trial but they didn’t make me go, they said I had been through enough. So they kept me home with Zoey. In a few months my uncle was in jail, the money that he got from using me couldn’t help him.

Chapter 11, "Touches and Whispers"

 “River?” Zoey’s voice startles me out of the nightmare that I’ll probably never stop having. I gasp at the sound of my name, coming back into the real world in a panic. “Relax, sweetie. It’s just me.” when I realize who it is I end up crying into her shoulder, much like I use to do when I was smaller. She rubs my back and murmurs calming things to me for a few minutes before finally I stop crying. “You haven’t had nightmares like that in months. What happened?” She waits until the tears have stopped falling before she speaks up. “Nothing… I was just thinking…”

“Oh… It’s okay, I still think about it too. Every day almost.” She mumbles, tightening the hug. “It wasn’t your fault, you and Dad need to stop blaming yourselves.” She huffs when I say that. “I know, we both do. It’s just as hard for us to stop blaming ourselves as it is for you to stop having nightmares about it.” I pull away from the hug and glare at her mildly.

“I don’t have nightmares all the time.” I say it in an attempt to look less like a weakling but the tone that slips out only makes me seem more like a child.“Sure, sure. It’s getting pretty late, don’t you have somewhere to be?” She smiles, changing the subject because she knows how this conversation will go. “You’re right, I better go before I’m too late.” I mutter, rushing to find my shoes. “Have fun.” she calls out as I leave and even from the front door I can hear the mocking tone in her voice.

The walk to Ellie’s house is painfully shorter than I wanted it to be, I don’t have any time to think about what to say. Or to turn around and back out at the last minute. Before I know it I’m standing infront of her house. I walk carefully around the side of the house. There’s no way I’m letting Ellie’s mom know I’m here, the last thing I need is her talking about what happened this week or her finding out about what I came here to tell Ellie. I barely want Ellie to know, I couldn’t handle it if Addie knew.

I stare up at the window for a minute, the light’s still on. At least she’s still awake. I start climbing the ladder that’s been on the side of the house for years now and probably never will be moved back to the shed.

God, I feel like a kid again. I haven’t done this since that time I was grounded when I threw a slushie all over a water park when I was 15 and wasn’t allowed to go anywhere for a month.I make it to the little roof and find my way inside the window. I stand there for a minute to catch my breath. I scan the room and realize I don’t see Ellie. Just as my brain processes the room, she walks into the room with a glass of grape juice in her hand. She jumps at the sight of me, screaming in surprise. I jump at her reaction and not long after I hear her mom react to it downstairs.

“Ellie? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, mom… Just a spider.” After a minute her mom believes that and I hear her bedroom door shut again downstairs. Ellie shuts her door carefully before whirling around to growl at me. “What the fuck? You scared the hell out of me, I thought you were some kind of burglar.” somehow the expression on her face brings the old me back, the one that use to goof around and laugh with her. “I’m sorry, I just wanted to surprise you.” I snicker and she hits my arm, “Asshole.” She pouts.

Something in her expressions forces these emotions out of me that I haven’t felt since that summer that seems so far away now. Lately she’s been bringing those untrustworthy emotions out of me more and more each time I’m around her. And the more I realize it, the more I realize I’m losing the fight to keep my feelings for her under control.

The pout on her lips is quickly erased when the impulse to kiss her becomes too much. A muffled “mmph” leaves her as I nearly push her onto the bed in a familiar sense of haste. Shirts quickly fall to the ground, losing their importance and becoming a burden to our bodies. Soon bras join our shirts in the pile of forgotten things; suddenly leaving us with only our lower halves still covered.

I grab at the strings on her pajama pants impatiently, tugging the soft fabric off her legs like it’s important to get her undressed in a short matter of time. I try to pull her pink underwear off next but before I can, I find her hands blocking the path mine were taking.

Cautiously, she reaches for the button on my jeans, not as nearly as impatient about the act as I seem to be. Jesus, River, give the girl a chance to breathe. I try to slow my movements (along with the rate of my heart beat) to give her a chance to catch up. She manages to set me free of the jeans and I kick my way out of them, once again moving back to take off that barrier of pink cloth.

My hand moves to take it’s place and within seconds my fingers are where they’ve been itching to be for only a matter of minutes. I hadn’t intended on this happening again when I came here, not that I mind where I am now. But I certainly hadn’t meant to be so impatient about it, nearly tearing her clothes off like an abstinent teenage boy that finally crumbled at the chance of getting laid.

I’m going about this all wrong and I know it, but I’m too caught up in the moment to stop the movement in my fingers that’s already clearly set in rhythm.But something’s different about this time, not that I’d notice until after the fact; but a difference all the same.

Before I know what she’s doing, her hands have somehow moved down to my boxer briefs. I really should have seen it coming, of course she’d try something like this. This is Ellie after all, the girl was born with a heart of gold so I don’t know why I ever believed She’d let it go on like this forever without trying to even the playing field for me.

But still, I didn’t see it coming until her right hand is nearly all the way in my boxers and she’s just inches away from touching… In the blink of an eye I suddenly feel like I’m a child again and that awful man is reaching into my underwear. I shiver at the contact of skin, even though it’s Ellie and not the man I dread seeing in my nightmares.

“STOP!” My brain doesn’t register the touch as Ellie and I grab her hand, roughly pulling it away from my body before moving as far away on the other side of the bed as I can manage. For a brief moment my mind still thinks I’m in danger, somehow trapped in my childhood again and it takes me a few minutes to calm my breathing.

“I-I’m sorry… I should have known you wouldn’t want me touching you, I just thought… I’m sorry, River… Are you okay?” Ellie wraps a blanket around herself before staring at me with this unbelievable guilt in her eyes, like she did something wrong. “I… I’m fine.” I rush to cover myself with one of her covers, again feeling like the vulnerable child I once was.

A few minutes of silence passes as I calm my thoughts.“God… I must be the biggest screw up possible. I barely even touched you and I scared you nearly half to death. I must be pretty bad at this, huh?” she chuckles nervously and glances up at me for a second before staring down at her hands again. It takes a moment for the statement to fully sink in.

“Wha… No, no, that’s not it. It’s not you…”

“Right, is this the part where you do the whole ‘it’s not you, it’s me thing’?” If only she knew how much it actually is me. But she’s right, I can’t use that stupid, overused line. As much as it makes sense right now.

“It’s really not you though, you’re perfect. It’s just… A pass issue, I guess.” She stares at me thoughtfully when I say that and I can practically see her choosing from a line up of things to say. “Does it have to do with what you came over here to talk about? You know the thing we didn’t actually get around to because we somehow got too caught up in this.” She smiles at me when I manage to make eye contact and somehow that comment pulls a laugh out of me. Before I realize that this is the moment when I have to tell her.

“Yeah, actually…” It feels like it takes me centuries just to stutter and stumble through the whole back story. When the last of the story finally leaves me all I get in response is this stunned, silent expression. I look away from her to stare at the digital clock by her bed, finding anything but her to look at. Turns out it was only 30 minutes, not all the life times that it felt like.With my focus on the clock, I don’t see the hug coming until skin and a thin sheet press against me in this startlingly strong hug. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I’m your best friend, you should have told me… I’m so sorry, River. I feel horrible, I probably made matters worse just now.” She murmurs on for a bit before tightening the hug more.“It’s fine… Can you let go just a bit? I can’t breathe.” I mutter between gasps for air and before I can even finish the sentence she lets go. “Sorry…”

“Stop apologizing, you goob.” I try on a smile that somehow doesn’t seem as strained around her as it usually is around anyone else. “Right, sorry…” I can’t help but to chuckle at that, but I keep silent; hoping she’ll come up with something to say. Something that won’t involve the darker parts of me that somehow seem to keep coming back to haunt me.

“Soo… Wanna stay the night?” she asks suddenly with this hopeful tone in her voice like when we were younger and use to have sleep overs. Oddly enough, the sleep overs have a double meaning now. “Sure, El.”

“Great! I have a movie we can watch and I just bought some new pajamas today, I’ll lend you a pair.” She smiles excitedly and rushes to pull her clothes back on, nearly skipping out of the room to get something before I can get a word in inch wise. By the time I find pajamas to wear, she comes back with a dvd of some random movie. She starts the movie and moves back to sit beside me on the bed again.

We use to do this all the time, find a movie to watch and just lean against the headboard and talk about anything rather than watch the movie we picked. Somehow we fall back into that routine like nothing ever happened, as if we’ve been best friends all this time and nothing ever changed.

That fuzzy, uncontrollable emotion sneaks up on me again and just like before I start to feel like I don’t deserve to be here like this. I’m with the most kind hearted, unbelievably sweet person I know right now and for some reason she’s looking at me and talking to me like I’m the great one. I’ve done nothing but hurt and tear this girl down and somehow we’ve managed to bounce back and even more so she still sees something in me. What on earth could she possibly see? What am I missing?

Near the end of the movie, she ends up leaning on my shoulder and by the time the movie’s over she’s nearly sleeping in my lap. I watch the words fly by on the black screen, not wanting to move in fear of waking her.

Eventually the dvd makes it back to the menu screen and I’m forced to scoot away from her to turn off the tv. I turn off the light too and turn on the small bunny shaped night light on her nightstand before moving back under the covers. It’s kind of odd that a 17 year old girl still has a nightlight but honestly I don’t think I can blame her for still having a fear of the dark.“River?” Her quiet, half asleep voice startles me out of my thoughts; I hadn’t known she had woken up. “Hmm?”

“Are you going to bed?” She yawns and the expression that settles upon her face is absolutely priceless. “Yeah, El. We should get some rest.” I play with her hair for a moment before moving to kiss her forehead. She’s silent for a minute and at first I think she dozed off again. Until her hand moves to my arm and in the dim light I can just barely see her movements.

She kisses me, it’s short and sweet but it still leaves me at a loss. “Night, River.” she mutters before curling up in my arms and within seconds she’s asleep.

At first I don’t know how to respond, I’m not at all use to the sort of relationship that seems to be growing out of this. But it’s nice, surprisingly comfortable. Something I could get use to if I ever let go of my fears. Which I probably won’t anytime soon. Regardless of the little thought, I pull her closer and suddenly it feels like she’s the only thing keeping me grounded. She buries her nose in my neck, sleep still getting the better of her. “Good night, Ellie.” I find myself muttering, even though I know she’s probably sound asleep by now. She makes a soft noise in her sleep and after a few minutes of silence, sleep gets the better of me too.

Chapter 12, "New Starts"

 

☀Ellie☀

I wake up to the sound of birds chirping on another sunny morning. I rub at my eyes for a minute and try to remember life before the dream world. I realize I’m facing my night stand and groggily I reach out to turn the bunny light off before checking the clock. 6:58. Mom moving around down stairs must have woke me up, she’s usually up by this time. Which means it’ll be time to get up for school in a few minutes. I could postpone it to another week if I really felt that it was unsafe for me to go, but honestly there’s no point in it. As much as I’m dreading this monday, I need to go. I can’t keep letting Chloe and her bitch posse affect my life.

Groaning, I try to pull my blanket off me. For the first time since I woke up, I notice a figure hugging my waist. The figure groans and moves further under the covers, pulling me closer and attempting to resume sleep. In an instant I know it’s River and suddenly my brain wakes up fully, remembering now how she got here.

“River, wake up.” I try to pull away from her grasp, nudging her away a bit in an effort to wake her before my mom comes up here to make sure I’m up. “Stoooppp!” River growls, pulling the cover over her head before hugging my waist again. If I wasn’t worried about Mom, I’d let her sleep. I’m not use to the idea of her cuddling with me but it’s something I find surprisingly comfortable.

“Seriously, get up. You know my mom hates it when you sneak in here.” I mutter in an effort to keep my resolve. “She shouldn’t complain about me using the ladder if she won’t move it.” is her only reply.

“Ellie, Are you up?” Mom shouts from the bottom of the steps as if she heard us. “Shit.” I mutter under my breathe, finally managing to pull out of River’s grasp in my panic. But I pull too far and suddenly I come in contact with the carpet floor. Pain from every one of my bruises shoots through me. The thud of me hitting the floor wakes River and causes Mom to shout something in worry at me. “Are you okay?” River gets up and rushes to my side of the bed, this guilty look on her face. “I’m fine. Go, she’ll be up here any second now.” I get up, grabbing her shoes on the way and shoving her to the window. She rushes to slip the shoes on, not having enough time to change out of the pajamas I gave her.

I hear Mom start to walk up the stairs at a worried pace, like I’m an elderly woman that fell out of bed and she’s the nurse that comes to my rescue. “Hurry up, she’s coming.” I whisper. tossing River’s jacket at her. With the shoes finally in place, she opens the window; throwing one leg over and out onto the roof. I come up behind her, waiting to close the window and the curtain behind her. She turns to face me and startles me with a kiss on the cheek.

“See you at school.” the smile she gives me seems to melt me just a bit before she moves to climb out the window. Within seconds she’s gone and I close the window. Mom opens the door and I jump a bit, snapping the curtains shut.

I turn to face her and try to act normal as she looks around the room. “I heard a noise, you didn’t fall did you?” She asks me worriedly, her gaze falling on me at last and I let out a sigh of relief; knowing the coast is clear.

“I fell out of bed, I’m fine though.” she gives me a look, but tries not to seem too worried about it. “Alright… Well, since you’re up. Do you think you can go to school today? If you don’t want to you know I can work something out with the school.”

“No, Mom. I’m fine, I want to go back.” I answer with a surprising amount of determination in my voice. Again she goes quiet, thinking it over. “Oh… Well, alright. But only if you’re 100% sure.” She says with this timid look in her eyes, like she can’t trust me. “I’m sure.” I smile at her in hope of erasing that unsure look in her eyes. Her lips move up slightly to match her eyes timidness with a small nervous smile “Well, you better be getting ready then.” with that she leaves the room and when the door closes behind her, I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

Within the next hour, I’m sitting in World History, watching the clock. I forgot during my mini vacation how much I hate being here, knowing half the girls around me belong to the Chloe Clan. I can practically feel their icy glares the whole time I take notes.

The bell rings at last and I rush to my next block. Thankfully, there’s hardly anyone in my Yearbook class and what people that are in this class are no where near the popularity group Chloe or any of her friends are in. I get to sit in peace for an hour, rearranging pictures for the art page.

Lunch arrives quicker than I had expected, being so caught up in the yearbook I almost didn’t hear the bell. I log off of the computer and grab my bookbag. “See you tomorrow, Ellie. Good work today.” Mr. Pendum smiles at me as I start to leave. I mutter a quiet goodbye in return before walking to the lunch room in silence. The line is already getting long by the time it takes me to get there and it takes me nearly ten minutes to get my food.

I start walking back to the door that leads to the hall, planning on going to Robin’s office as usual. But this voice I know all too well stops me as soon as I pass her table. “Hey, freak. Wait up. I didn’t get to welcome you back.” Chloe gets up from the lunch table and walks over to stand in front of me. I freeze up as soon as her green eyes lock onto mine with this intimidating glare. I don’t know what to say, if I could manage for my now dry mouth to form words anyways.

I spot River sitting at their table, silently. “What’s the matter, Freak? Cat got your tongue?” Chloe jabs a perfectly manicured nail into my shoulder and I flinch back, instantly fearing another beating.

“Aww, Don’t worry. I can’t kick your ass… yet. But that doesn’t mean I can’t give you a wardrobe adjustment” This almost evil looking smirk appears on her perfect lips and usually I would envy her. But at the moment I only fear what she plans to do. Before I can get a word out or even try to understand what it is she’s going to do, my tray suddenly flips out of my grasp. She knocks the food onto the front of my shirt. Thankfully only a fruit cup and my milk are the only things that manage to make a mess. But still, her sting sets in when I start to hear the other girls around her laughing.

I look around the room for an escape, no teachers near by to run to, no friends. Only River. Sitting there silently with this pained expression on her features. I don’t know what I expected when I came back, for her to be my friend again? For her to stand up for me? Who was I kidding?

I rush out of the room and down the hall to the bathroom. Tears are already streaming down my cheeks as I make it to the mirror and start dabbing at the milk with paper towels. I quickly give up and retreat to the stall at the very end of the room, hiding in the corner.

I lean against the wall and try to stop from crying. A few minutes passes but the tears don’t stop falling. Another girl walks into the bathroom and immediately I hold my breath, my tears stopping in an effort to make me invisible.

“Ellie?” as soon as I hear that guilt filled voice, the breathe I was holding comes out in a sob. River moves to stand infront of the door. “Ellie, it’s just me… Can you let me in?” her voice still sounds guilty and when she asks she sounds so hopeful that I don’t know how else to react other than opening the door. She steps into the stall cautiously and shuts the door behind her again. “It’s okay, hardly anyone comes in here. We should be fine until lunch is over at least.” She turns to face me again when she finishes that statement and she stares at me for a few seconds.

“I, um, I went to the nurse and she had some spare clothes from gym…” She fiddles with the shirt in her hand for a minute. “Why did you come here, wouldn’t you rather hang out with Queen Perfect?” I grumble and she looks up at me with that guilty look in her eyes again. “I’m sorry… God, I’m such an idiot. I don’t know why I was even sitting with them, I didn’t know she would do that. I swear.”

“Yeah… well neither did I.” I mutter in response, moving to lean against the wall again. She moves to stand in front of me, just inches away. “I’m really trying to fix things, Ellie. I know it doesn’t seem like it with how I just watched and did nothing there…”

“Why didn’t you say something?” the question leaves me before I can stop it, coming out in this angry tone. “I… I didn’t want them to find out. I don’t know what I was thinking, I thought if I didn’t get in her way she wouldn’t catch on about… us.” Us… any other time that wording would have made me happy beyond words but the fact that she intended to hide the whole thing quickly shoots down the idea. “Oh… of course.”

“It’s not for the reasons you think, I just… I thought they would pick on you more. They would be harassing us both and then there would be nothing I could do to protect you.”

“And what are you doing to protect me now?” I snap back almost instantly, somehow surprised by the tone in my own voice. She goes quiet for a minute. “You’re right… I’m sorry I’m fucking this up so bad…” the look in her eyes seems to melt the sudden boldness in me. I’ve never seen her like this, she hardly ever looks this guilty. The girl is known for never backing down once she’s put her thoughts into action. But yet here she is, right infront of me; trying to take back her actions.

“It’s okay.” somehow I find myself still taking her apologies. In an effort to escape looking her in the eye, I stare down at my shirt, still soaked in milk and covered in fruit. “I know what I need to do now, I’ll make things right this time. I promise.” She touches my cheek with the tips of her fingers and the sincerity in her voice makes me look up again.

I don’t know how I’m suppose to respond to the silent question of acceptance she’s asking; hidden under her promise to make things better. If I were smart I would have cut her out of my life the day her friends beat me up, but instead I let her into my heart and now she has a hold of it like the strings of a puppet. And for some reason I don’t seem to mind.

The only thing I can manage to do to answer her silent question is to lean forward and kiss her. She kisses back as soon as we make contact, like I gave her the exact response she was hoping for. The kiss lasts a lot longer than all of the other kisses we had before, something about this moment makes the kiss different. This time there was no sex involved, no arguing, no haste to the kiss. It’s not a quick kiss goodbye before my mom catches her, it’s not one of those post sex kisses or like the one genuine kiss she gave me before that awkward meal with my mom. This time she actually let me kiss her, something she usually doesn’t do. In a weird way it’s like kissing her is something I have to earn, like each kiss is some level up in this weird game she’s playing. But somehow I’m getting through to her. She’s letting her walls down, for me of all people.

Much to my disappointment, the kiss has to end at some point and reluctantly I pull away. When the kiss breaks, she still hovers around with this uncertainty that I usually don’t see in her. After a minute she presses her forehead to mine “I really am sorry… I never have been very good at social interactions.” She chuckles a bit and seeing her settling back to her normal self pulls a smile out of me. “That’s okay, clearly it’s not my specialty either.” I joke back, gesturing to my now ruined shirt.

“Chloe’s just a bitch… I could spend all day on that topic, but I’ll spare you the trouble… Here, you should get changed before third block starts.” in an effort to avoid the subject of Chloe or any other sore subjects, she starts tugging at my shirt and I lift my arms absent-mindedly. She tugs the shirt over my head in one swift movement and as soon as the shirt leaves me I start to miss its presence. Why hadn’t I thought to tell her I could handle it own  my own?

She smirks at me and I should be relieved that she’s completely back to her normal self but I know her well enough to know that smirk means trouble. “What?” I ask worriedly. “Nothing, you just look really cute when you blush like that.” She replies like it was the simplest thing in the world to say to me and in an instant I feel my heart skip a beat.

Before I can react, someone rushes in and a stall near the entrance slams shut. Someone else follows right behind them and subconsciously River steps back, trying to hide in the shadows of the stall. Following right behind her cowardliness, I hold my breathe and my movements nearly freeze as the two girls start talking.

“This is my favorite shirt, Do you think this milk will be very noticeable when it dries?” The girl in the stall questions with this quiet, adorable voice. “I don’t know and I already told you if you’d tell me who did it I’d kick their ass.” the other girl leans against the stall right beside the one River and I are still hiding in. “Don’t worry about it, you can’t afford to get in anymore trouble because of me.”

The other girl makes a protest but I don’t catch it because River nudges my arm. “Come on, it sounds like they’re having the same kinda day as us.” She opens the stall door and motions for me to walk out.

Cautiously I step out of the stall to find a raven haired girl still leaning against the other stall. She notices the door opening and moves out of the way before going back to standing infront of the stall the other girl is still in. She gives us an odd look as soon as we step out of the stall and for a few seconds she studies us. Until she sees the messy shirt balled up in my hands and this look of understanding falls onto her features. “They got you too, huh?” this quick flash of anger shows up in her blue-gray eyes. I nod silently and she scuffs. “Fucking unbelievable, I went to talk to a teacher for like a minute and they milked Shay. Don’t worry, once I find out who it was, they’re in for it.”

“Babe, I already told you to let it go.” ‘Shay’ mutters from the other side of the stall door. “I’ll let it go after I shove that milk carton up their ass.” the girl moves away from the stall door to hand me a handful of paper towels. I take the towels and try on a smile that doesn’t really match my mood right now. As I dab at the shirt with the towels, Shay unlocks the stall door and steps out. The first sight that greets me in the mirror are streaks of blue and red in brunette hair.

At a quick glance, I notice her wardrobe consists of more bright colors than her friend. (who’s dressed in nearly all gray and white) the very next thing I notice is a heart shaped necklace that seems to match the one the raven haired girl has around her neck.

“So?” the girl I still don’t have a name for leans against the sink and looks Shay up and down. “I think it’ll be okay when it dries. Can you chill now?” the only reply Shay gets is a small ‘hmmpf’. She gives the other girl a stern look before turning her attention to me. Just like the first girl, she studies me for a minute before cracking a smile; like she knows something I don’t. “I have this stain remover pen that works miracles in my bag, you can borrow it if you want. I’ve learned to come prepared by now.” a small part of me starts to resent River for managing to fade into the background and leaving me to be social for once.

“N-no thanks, it’s not that big of a deal.” I mutter, focusing more on the shirt and the floor rather than eye contact. “Oh, nonsense. Aero is so expensive. What class do you have next? We just moved here, maybe we’ll have a class together.” Shay smiles at me with this friendly smile I usually don’t get from people. “Uh, Finance.” I reply, just barely able to remember the class. Her green eyes seem to light up at that, “Me too, I’ll dig through my mess of a bookbag and find it when we’re in class. I’m Shaylee by the way.” She sticks out her hand and I hesitate for a second before shaking it. “Ellie.”

“Nice to meet you, Ellie. Sucks we had to meet because of some jerk with food spilling issues, but at least we’re not alone, right?” like always, I can only manage a nod in response. River coughs as she leans against the wall, a clear sign that she wants to leave. Before I can leave or follow out behind her, the other girl speaks up again. “Sweetie, can you save the meet and greet for later? I think you’re boring your new friends.” She moves to stand closer to the shorter girl, giving River a sympathetic look. River tries to soften her expression at that, attempting to look less hostile than she already does. “No, it’s fine. It’s just been a long day. I’m River.” She offers her hand out to the girl and she accepts the handshake with a stern shake.

“Kathy. I know how you feel. Our families transferred us here and we still have to deal with shit like that. But this place is better than our old school, I couldn’t leave Shay alone for a second without someone doing something stupid. I bet you know how that is, right?” she looks River over for a second before moving back to Shay’s side. River looks back at her like a guilty fellon. “Y-yeah… I haven’t been doing a very good job at protecting Ellie lately.” She glances at me miserably, shifting her weight.

“Hey, don’t beat yourself up, I know exactly how you feel. It’s definitely a lot to handle when their all picking on you and your girl like that.” Kathy gives River another one of those sympathetic looks before wrapping her arms around Shay’s waist. Shay breaks into this unbelievable smile and for some reason their actions catch me off guard and all in an instant I realize what Kathy’s talking about.

For some odd reason, this wave of relief rushes over me at just knowing we’re not the only ones in the school with that ‘problem’. But the idea doesn’t seem to settle well with River. “Um, well… She’s not my girl. We’re just…” her statement hurts as soon as she starts to form it, but luckily I don’t have time to react to it because Kathy cuts her off.

“Just friends? I understand. Hell, I still haven’t told my parents. I got transferred for fights and Shay for being picked on. We get the whole cover up thing.” Somehow it’s like she sees right through us, like she can read River’s mind. And just like typical River, she doesn’t like the idea of someone seeing through her lies so easily.

“We’re not the same. I don’t know what gave you the idea but don’t you think you’re jumping to conclusions a bit?” she grumbles, trying to control the tone in her voice that already sounds pissed off. Shay jumps in as the referee, “She didn’t mean anything by it, Kath just likes to give friendly advice even when it’s not needed sometimes.” She gives Kathy a look and Kathy seems to read her thoughts just like she did with River. She decides to silently bury her nose in the shorter girl’s shoulder to avoid any more confrontations. Satisfied, Shay turns her attention back to us. “Well the bell’s gonna ring soon. We have to go, see you in class Ellie.” She smiles this cute, innocent looking smile before nearly dragging Kathy out of the bathroom.

I turn back to River, her tough act leaving her as soon as the girls are gone. “Was that you protecting me?” I grumble before she has a chance to make up an excuse. “It was… I just don’t want anyone to know, Ellie. Chloe has her ways of finding things out and you know what’ll happen if she finds out.” when she says that, I know she’s telling the truth. Some small part of me still thinks she’s just ashamed or something, but I know better than anyone what it’s like to be on the receiving end of Chloe’s wrath. “You’re right, I guess we just won’t tell anyone.” Even though I know how right she is, this small hint of disappointment shows up in my voice and she catches it instantly. “Just for now, I’ll figure something out. Okay?” she brushes a strand of hair out of my eyes and the look she gives me forces the pout on my lips to vanish. “Alright.” I mutter defeatedly.

The sound of the bell breaks the air between us and she pulls away as the halls start to fill with students. Reluctantly, I head off to class, not willing to deal with the rest of this dull day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday is finally over, much to my relief. But it was only the first day back and I still have a whole week to go through, dealing with all the bullshit that comes with high school.

Tuesday isn’t any better, it’s slightly less eventful but Chloe still throws comments at me every chance she can get. River doesn’t sit with her at lunch like she did the day before. Instead she drags me over to this empty table away from all the others, insisting that I eat in the lunch room with her. Shay and Kathy are sitting at the table beside us but they seem too busy talking about something to notice anyone else around so I don’t speak up or offer for them to sit with us like I know River would. But she doesn’t seem focused enough herself to notice them anymore than they do her. So a silent lunch falls into place until I notice Chloe strolling up to the table across from us with two other girls behind her.

Shay stops talking to Kathy mid sentence when she sees her and shifts in her seat uncomfortably. Apparently the same one that milked her yesterday was the same one who picks on me everyday.

“Can we help you? We’re kinda in the middle of something.” Kathy grumbles, not yet realizing just who Chloe is. Chloe giggles, a sound that’s meant to sound innocent but I see right through it and all I hear is trouble.

“I’ve seen you two around school and I’ve been dying to talk to you. I didn’t get the chance to yesterday. You must be my little buddy’s girlfriend.” Chloe moves to give Shay a one armed hug like she would ever actually befriend the girl. Shay shifts uncomfortably, this look of worry settling onto her cute features.“Uh… Yeah. Shay didn’t mention you, nice to meet you.” unlike yesterday with River, Kathy doesn’t give a hearty handshake or a genuine smile. Her ‘nice to meet you’ was cautious, like she’s not really sure she trusts Chloe. Which she shouldn’t.

“You know, I told her yesterday, your girlfriend has such a childish looking face. I mean look at these cheeks.” Chloe’s perfect yet sinister hands reach out to pinch Shay’s cheeks and with that Kathy starts to piece things together; becoming more protective of Shay in the blink of an eye. She puts her hand on Shay’s knee and the look she gives Chloe forces her to take a small step away from them. “She doesn’t have a kid’s face and stop talking to her like she is one.” Kathy growls and hovers closer to Shay in this way that somehow reminds me of a wolf. Kathy’s the alpha protecting her omega and Chloe is the sinister wolf from another, more aggressive pack.

“Jeez, I can tell which one of you is more butch. Chill out, ‘dude’ I was just trying to be friendly.” Chloe smirks and the other two girls scoot in closer, forming a half circle around the table; trapping them in like they’ve done to me so many times before. “Friendly is the last thing on your mind. Why don’t you just leave us alone?” Kathy huffs back in this warning voice that reminds me a lot of the one River uses. “Well of course I’m friendly, I even gave your chick here some beauty tips yesterday… Milk is great for the skin you know.” Chloe smiles this wicked smile that I still can’t believe comes from such a beautiful girl.

“That was you?” Kathy stands upright in a flash, already looking like she’ll punch Chloe off her feet. “Baby, don’t.” Shay stands up right behind her and tugs on her arm gently. “What’s the matter, Butch? I was just giving the little Kiddy here a helping hand.” Chloe snickers again and for a brief second I wonder why she always feels the need to give her victims nicknames. But the second is quickly shattered when Kathy swings at Chloe and the crowd that’s formed erupts into noise. Shay tugs on Kathy’s arm again, but this time with enough force to pull Kathy away and make her miss the hit on Chloe’s nose that she would have otherwise perfectly had.

“Kathy, stop it.” Shay’s voice changes from soft and shy to forceful in a matter of seconds. The rage in Kathy’s eyes softens instantly when she glances at Shay and realizing Shay doesn’t want her to get in trouble, she backs off. But before Kathy can even sit back down again, Chloe speaks up.

“Damn, talk about pussy whipped.” Before I can process what happens, blurs of movement swirl all around me. But within seconds it’s all stopped, with one person.

I realize River is no longer at my side, but instead standing between Chloe and Kathy; holding a hand to Kathy’s shoulder with just enough authority to still her movements. “Chloe, what are you doing? Haven’t you gotten in enough trouble for one month?” River grumbles tiredly, like Chloe is this troubled toddler she has to watch over. Now I know what she put up with when she ditched me. “I was just having a bit of fun, what do you care anyways? You already stood up for Freak yesterday, I think you’re starting to turn on me, Pettit.” Chloe crosses her arms and gives me a quick glare.

“I’m making sure you don’t screw up your precious college future. Daddy can’t always cover your ass.” with that Chloe unfolds her arms and huffs in defeat. “You’re right. Picking on these carpet munchers is getting boring anyways.” She gives River one last look before turning back to the two henchmen she brought along with her. “Stacy, do you still have John’s number?” one of the girls jumps to attention and we quickly fall into the background again.

“River, are you coming?” Chloe looks back at her after a few seconds, daring her to make the wrong move. River moves to lounge against the wall, glancing at me worriedly. “Nah.” She answers simply and again another evil idea seems to pop into Chloe’s head. “Fine, I deal with you later.” she smiles sinisterly before turning to leave.

As soon as she’s gone, Shay pulls Kathy into the seat across from me; letting River sit back down at my side. “Thank you, River. We’re still working on getting Kathy out of settling things with her fist.” Shay smiles at River before giving Kathy a mild glare. River grunts in response and it gives Kathy the chance to launch into a rant “I’m tired of people treating you like shit, I told you I’m not rolling over anymore. No matter how much you want me to.”

Shay sighs in defeat and leans her head against Kathy’s shoulder. “My knight in shining armor.” She jokes, poking the stubborn girl in the ribs. Kathy takes her hand and they sit in silence for a few minutes, studying River and I again like we’re test subjects. “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” River grumbles, only a half joking tone in her voice.

Shay chuckles, “Jesus, she’s like a carbon copy of you two years ago.” she nudges Kathy, who grunts in response before downing a small bag of chips.

The rest of the lunch period goes by with surprising relaxation, In fact the whole rest of the school day seems to go by with me barely even seeing Chloe or her friends. I can only hope it’s the same for the others.

Chapter 13, "Drifting In The Right Direction"

 

☯River☯

The second Chloe walked away with that look on her face, I knew this whole thing wasn’t over. In fact I knew it was about to get a thousand times worse. As the week goes on she gets more hostile with me, throwing petty jabs at me every time she sees me with Ellie at lunch. Then she’ll find a way to “run into” me during my free block at the end of the day. Every time she does she always finds a way to push the right buttons, trying so hard to get to me. But I make sure not to crack, remembering my promise to Ellie each time Chloe comes near me. But when she comes up to me on friday like every day before, I instantly wish I hadn’t known her so well. That I had been wrong about her plans to make things worse.

“What the fuck are you doing?” is her opening liner. “Right now? Knocking down blocks.” I mutter, nodding at the computer game on my screen. “You know what I’m talking about. Seriously, fill me in. Are you planning something big? Like, ruin the Freak and her gay friends kinda big?”

My attention instantly pulls itself away from the game to stare at her. “What are you talking about, Chloe?” she huffs at me in irritation. “Don’t play dumb with me, you’ve been nice to her ever since we kicked her ass. Hun, she probably still has a creepy ass crush on you… Wait, are you trying to get to her and then dump her ass? Cause that’s conniving, even for you, River.”

“I’m not like you. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe I’m trying to make amends. She doesn’t deserve what you’re doing to her, Chloe.” my emotions let me lose control for a second and the stream of anger slips past my lips. “Whatever, River. She messed with me, she almost fucked up my school record. And I know you well enough to know you aren’t trying to make amends. Since when do you have a soft side for freak shows like that? That’s not the River I knew.”

Anger courses through me “Then clearly you didn’t know the real River.” I hiss at her and by her shocked reaction I instantly know I’ve made a bad move. “You are turning on me, I knew it. You’ll both pay for this.” she utters the last part in a low warning that sends a shiver down my spine before shoving the chair back into it’s place and walking out of the computer lab.

Sighing, I get up and start walking to the library. I know I’m skating on thin ice now with what just happened, but at the moment I don’t really care. So what if she hates me now?

What about Ellie? How am I going to keep Chloe off her even a little bit if she hates us both now?

“Fuck…” I mutter under my breathe. “Yo, River. What’s up?” a voice comes up behind me as I sit in a bean bag chair near the library’s windows. Kathy strolls up to me and plops down into one of the other bean bags. “Hey.” I grumble, not really in the mood for being social right now. “Where’s your girl?” She asks casually as she readjusts herself. “She’s not my… She’s in Home Ec right now.” I sigh out. What’s the point of denying it with this girl anyways?

Her voice snaps me out of my thoughts, “Oh, That sucks. Mine’s in some bullshit math class right now. Too bad we don’t get to spend our free periods with them, huh?” She readjusts herself in the seat again, this time to look right at me. “Yeah…” I find myself muttering, suddenly missing Ellie’s presence.

“But maybe that’s for the best. Wouldn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea, right?” the look she gives me is so damn cocky, but for some reason I let it go. Because I know she’s right.

“Now you sound like her.” I grumble, knowing very well the petty jab is something Ellie would probably say if she wasn’t so scared of everyone. Why does this girl have to be so ballsy? and why am I letting her get away with it?

“Right… Well, I’ll shut up now. I understand the whole thing, I do. Shay’s right, sometimes I just like to give advice where it’s not needed.”

“It’s fine, it’s not like I couldn’t use the advice anyways.” I mutter, instantly wondering why I let the comment slip. “Well in that case, I’ll shower you with advice then. I think you should go talk to her. Sort things out and all.” For a few minutes I think over her words, not really convinced that she knows what she’s talking about. She doesn’t know us, why is she so certain anyways?

“Oh, come on. You can go right now, let’s go. I can probably pull Shay out of class too, I haven’t talked to her all day.” she tugs me out of the bean bag chair and drags me along as she talks. My natural instincts kick in and I yank away from her grasp. She stops in her tracks to look at me strangely. “You okay, River?”

“Yeah… I just… I have a personal bubble, I don’t like people touching me.” I stare down at my feet like all the other times before. I’ve lost count of all the times I’ve told new friends to keep their distance. “Oh, I understand. My bad, bro.”

“It’s fine.”

“You sure? I’ve had a couple of friends like that before, I should know better by now. Feel free to slap me.”

“It’s fine, just drop it.” I grumble and she gives me this sympathetic look before changing the subject. “Right, well come on. We better go, only 30 minutes left of the class.”

“I think I’ll just chill here.” I mutter, not willing to get into whatever stupid plan she has in mind. I sit back down in the bean bag chair and she gives me that cocky look again, one hand on her hip. “Why would you just want to sit here when you could be talking things out with Ellie?”

“There’s nothing to talk out.”

“Bullshit, I know there has to be something you want to say to her.” She keeps up her determination and it starts to get the better of me; because I know she’s right. Weather I want to admit it or not. “Don’t you have a girlfriend to bother?” I grumble after a minute. “Yes and you have a girlfriend that you need to talk to.” When she uses that as a come back, I look around to make sure no one heard her.

“Oh, sorry. I meant ‘friend’.” she gives me the look of knowing that she gave me the first day we met and in an instant it irritates me. But as quickly as it angers me, it also makes me realize the point she’s trying to get through my thick skull. I made a promise to Ellie that I would start fixing things. Pretending like she’s just a friend isn’t fixing anything… Kathy’s right, I need to talk to Ellie.

“Alright, fine. Let’s go.” I grumble, slightly irritated that she could beat me down this easily. But at the same time, deep down, I’m glad that she did. Not that I’ll admit it.

 

☀Ellie☀

This whole week has been confusing as hell and with everything Chloe’s done, I’m surprised we made it to Friday. But somehow Friday did come, despite all the bullshit. And now that I’ve made it to the last class of the last day of the week, I can finally enjoy making batches of cookies like we do every friday.

After the last batch is made, I sit down in my own little corner to eat a few in silence. The girl on the other side of the island hands me a glass of milk and I take it gingerly before she goes back to talking to her friends. I fade back into the background again but I don’t expect much more than this, it’s what I’m use to. I’m use to no one talking to me and somehow I’ve gotten use to just being alone. But today I don’t end up completely alone.

“Ellie’s needed in the office.” River’s voice snaps me out of my thoughts and I look up from my glass to find her talking to Mrs. Greer. When they both turn to look at me, I stand up cautiously and follow River out the door. Why did they send River to get me? I thought the only one who stayed in the office during fourth was this small boy with glasses.

For a second I consider asking her about it, but on second thought I know it’s better not to question why River was in the office.

After a few minutes she stops walking and turns to me. For once I think I see the small hint of a smile. “Hey, I wanted to tell you something.”

“What is it?” I ask with a little too much enthusiasm, instantly curious about what she has to say. “I think I took care of our problem today.” her answer leaves me just as clueless as I was before and I stare back at her confused. “What do you mean?”

“Well, it’s a long story. But to sum it up, I somehow got myself on Chloe’s bad side.”

“But I thought that’s exactly what you didn’t want, what if she finds out about…?” for some stupid reason my brain so desperately wanted to use the word ‘us’ but after the first time River referred to it like that, I can’t manage to call what we have anything. Thankfully, River seems to catch on regardless and the cocky smile that River practically invented shows up.

“Don’t worry about it. I don’t care if she finds out what happened, let her pry.” As soon as she says that I think I imagined the whole sentence. It’s not like River to suddenly change her mind once she already has a plan set in motion. So why is she suddenly changing everything around. Why is she standing here telling me that she’s not worried about Chloe anymore?

“But… What happened to ‘I don’t want anyone to know’ and ‘she’ll crush us both if she finds out’? I thought you were pretending to be her friend so she wouldn’t hassle me. Wasn’t that you’re whole plan to protect me?” Her signature smirk suddenly changes to this look of guilt, like what I said had reminded her of some wrong doing.

“I… I was wrong.”

For at least a minute, all I can do is stare at her, unable to process what she just said. In all the years I’ve known her, I’ve barely ever heard her say that she was wrong about anything. “W-what?” is the only thing I manage to get out after a minute or so. “Don’t make me say it again, you know I hate saying that. It’s just that… I shouldn’t have been so scared about her finding out. It was wrong of me to make you feel like we had to keep it top secret. I’m sorry, okay?” she looks at me like she’s under persecution and that look in her eyes makes it hard not to fall for anything she has to say and all I can manage to do is hug her.

She stands there awkwardly for a second before hugging back. “Just for the record, this doesn’t mean I’m going soft on you. I still have my dignity, you know.” she grumbles after a minute and it pulls a laugh out of me. “Right, right, you have a heart of ice. You never change.” I chuckle and pull away from the hug. “I change a little bit…” She mutters, taking my hands.

I freeze up at the feel of her hands holding mine. I stare down at them for a moment, at a loss for words. When I look back up, she’s staring back at me with this expression I can’t read. What I would give to be able to read her mind. “What?”

As soon as I ask she starts walking, keeping hold on one of my hands and tugging me along behind her. “Where are we going? … Hey, wait, I’m suppose to go to the office, aren’t I?” my questions go unanswered as she drags me into the girls bathroom and nearly pushes me into the last stall.

“River, seriously. What are you doing...” she shuts the door behind her and before I can even think of anymore stupid questions to ask, a kiss cuts me off. I find myself suddenly pressed against the wall and all in an instant I realize what’s happening. This can’t be happening. Is she really going to try this right now, in the middle of class? Her kisses quickly move to my jawline and the answer to that question becomes clear. When she moves to nip at my neck, a moan almost slips out and I know I have to say something before she has the chance to make me crumble.

“Um… C-can’t this wait? Until we’re not…  you know, not in school?” for a second she seems too busy sneaking her hands up my shirt to bother listening and I almost consider letting her get away with it until she stops. She moves back just enough to look at me, this storm brewing in those brown eyes. “No… I can’t wait, I need you now.” the sentence is enough to make anyone crumble down on their knees and I quickly forget all about stopping anything that’s to come.

She moves to unbutton my jeans and not knowing what else to do, I lean in to kiss her. She kisses back eagerly and before I know it, my pants are undone and her hand is inside of my underwear. I gasp at the contact, another moan trying to slip by. “Shh, wouldn’t want to draw any attention in here, would we?” the cockiness in her voice would make me want to snap back at her any other time, but right now I can’t be bothered with it. I end up biting my lip when her middle finger slips inside me.

I move to kiss her neck in an effort to distract myself from the pleasure that’s already starting to build up. Her ring finger moves to join the middle one and in reaction my back arches off the wall, pressing my body into hers. Her left hand moves from my hip to the arch of my back to keep me steady before she catches me off guard by slipping the third and final finger inside of me. Another gasp leaves my lips and in an effort to muffle the moans, I end up biting her shoulder. She groans and even in the heat of a moment like this, my instincts react and a “Sorry.” slips out.

“Don’t worry about it, it kinda felt good.” she mutters in this husky voice and before I have the chance to react to it, she forces another moan out of me. After that everything seems to unravel before me and before I know it I’m spiraling down into the familiar pleasure she always finds a way to drag out of me. The climax hits me without warning and I end up biting into her shoulder again to make sure the moans don’t become too audible. She groans and when the haze of the orgasm wears of I instantly feel bad for probably biting down too hard.

She pulls her hand out of my pants and I move back to leaning against the wall again. She stares down at her fingers for a second before curiosity gets to her and she moves to lick the wetness off of one of her fingers. “Don’t do that.” I grumble, worrying that anything that came from down there doesn’t taste good. “Why not? I like it, next time I might have to try going down on you. I saw that in a porno once, you know.” she chuckles and I nudge her playfully. “You’re not a porn star and I draw the line at that.” That cocky smirk appears again and for a second it amazes me how easily we can fall back into our old selves after something like this. “Yeah, well I’ll work on that later. You should get back to class before the cookies burn.” she jokes and moves to kiss my cheek.

I fix my jeans and pull my shirt back down before following her cautiously out of the stall. Somehow we got lucky and no one is around to bust us when we step out of the bathroom.

Chapter 14, "Lovers and Enemies"

 

☯River☯

Nearly right after we leave the bathroom and Ellie starts to walk back to class, I run right into someone. “Jeez, eyes on the road, River.” I turn my attention away from Ellie to find Kathy staring back at me quizzically. Much to my dismay, she notices Ellie just as the girl disappears into her classroom and it doesn’t take long for Kathy to make her own assumption.

“I see your talk with Ellie went well.” She grins from ear to ear. “Whatever, Kathy.” I grumble and she laughs. “Alright, alright. Just make sure you don’t get caught, you’ll get in big trouble for quickies like that. Trust me, I know from past experience.” She grins again and my natural instincts to deny kick in instantly. “It wasn’t…” but a lie doesn’t come to me fast enough and my denial is quickly shot down. She smirks, waiting for an explanation she knows won’t come. I let out a sigh, giving up on the sentence that I would have never finished. “It’s hopeless with you.”

“Only because you like me.” She smirks and her cockiness reminds me a lot of how I act at times. Maybe we have more things in common than I thought. “You’re alright.” I mutter and she seems satisfied with that answer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For a saturday, the day seems to drag by at an agonizing, boring pace. I barely make it a few hours after I wake up before I find myself calling Ellie.

A series of grumbles and the sound of the phone being dropped emit from the other side of the line before finally she answers“… h-hello?” her still half asleep voice rings out. “Sorry, I tend to forget I’m the early bird.” I chuckle softly, realizing she usually sleeps till noon on saturdays. Her voice seems to wake up a bit when I speak. “It’s okay, I was going to get up in a bit anyways.” She lies. Instantly I start to feel bad for calling, I should have let the poor girl sleep a little. My unintentional silence seems to quickly get to her. “So what did you need?” Now that the question comes up, I can’t seem to think of why I actually did call. “I, uh, I dunno.”

“Oh… Well text me if you remember. I’m gonna go get breakfast.” For some reason the thought of her hanging up sends me into a panic and a “Wait!” slips out before I know what to do. “Oh.. Okay.” She mutters, startled by something so sudden this early in her morning.

“Are you doing anything today?” I don’t know why I would even think to ask but it’s too late now. “Uh, not much of anything. Why?”

 

☀Ellie☀

After River hangs up I nearly fall out of the bed in a rush of excitement. I grab an outfit and rush downstairs to the bathroom to get ready. This is the first time River’s wanted to hang out over the weekend like this since the last summer I saw her. I hope this goes better than it did the last time. If only thoughts like that would stop pestering me, maybe I could actually get somewhere.

Time catches me off guard and before I know it, a knock on the front door makes me jump away from the mirror. I frown at my reflection, briefly getting that ‘I wish I had someone else’s body’ feeling. “El? Are you ready? I’m starving.” I hear River let herself in, this nervousness in her voice. Like she might find me with a knife again.

“Yeah, yeah. You eat like a horse, you can wait.” I call down and her tone seems to relax. “Whatever, just hurry up.”

I glance one last time at my reflection before turning to walk down the steps with a sigh. She greets me at the bottom step with her signature scowl on her face. “Food is life, the longer you take the more you drain me of li…” Her snide remark suddenly cuts short when she looks up from the time on her phone and her eyes lock onto mine. She gives me this look I can’t read before looking me up and down. I shift my weight uncomfortably. Do I look that bad? I spent all that time getting ready for nothing. “Why are you looking at me like that?” I break the silence to stop her staring and at the sound of my voice she snaps out of her thoughts. “Um, forget it. Let’s just go. I need food, pronto.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The quick trip to our favorite restaurant, The Latch, was an outing that went nothing like I was expecting.

The hipsterish, teen-infested restaurant has been around since our parents were our age. But it’s only been this “newage” place since it’s new owners took over, not long after River’s family moved into town. Ever since, its been out hang out. But just because it’s such a familiar place, doesn’t mean I expected River to change the rules of our “second home” around all in one day.

After I was done eating, I went to the bathroom to wash off the wing sauce that was starting to burn into a paper cut on my finger. I wasn’t expecting River to storm in and nearly push me into one of the stalls like she did at school just barely a day before. And just like in the dark spaces of the school’s stalls, she altered the rules of the place. The restaurant is no longer an innocent location where we have memories of our childhood. Now it’s just another place where she brought sex into the mix. Like the school; Like my house. Everything I know is slowly being corrupted, but yet, somehow I don’t mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I walk out of the bathroom like I’m drifting on clouds. “Your afterglow is showing.” that cocky voice snickers in my ear and somehow it makes me break out into a smile. “Shut up.” I mumble and she responds with a laugh and a kiss on the cheek that I didn’t expect in a restaurant full of people. I soak up the attention gladly until her hands fall from my waist just before this dreaded voice rings out.

“River?” Chloe strolls up to us with this confused look on her face, like she’s hoping she’s just seeing someone that looks a lot like River. When the realization sinks in a glare gets thrown my way. “What the hell are you doing hanging out with her? We were supposed to go to the movies tonight, we kept calling you. What could you possibly be doing with that freak?”

“She was my friend way before you were, Chloe. There’s a lot I could be doing with her right now, which you’re ruining with your attitude by the way.” She backs away from me a bit and clearly she’s still playing that ‘just friends’ act. But yet, somehow the tone in her voice proves River’s still the “tough” one and she knows how to stand her ground; even if she’s not completely confident. Chloe looks me over for a minute, confusion still written on her nearly flawless features. “Look, I know we got pissed at each other yesterday but do you seriously want to risk hanging around her?”

“We already went over this, Chloe…” River starts but Chloe cuts her off with that growling tone that always made me fear her. So naturally I shrink back behind River as she starts to speak,“No, we didn’t. You use to be with me and now you’re going back to the freak side and you won’t even give me an explanation.”

“Deciding not to be a bullying brat anymore should be an explanation enough.” River snaps back. Chloe doesn’t take being called a bully well, even if she is one. “Fine,” she hisses and there’s such a hidden threat behind just the one simple word, “We’re not done here, I’m not going to let you off the hook this easy.” is her final warning before she turns back to her minions and orders them to follow along behind her as she storms out of the restaurant. River waits for them to disappear completely before grabbing my hand and tugging me out of the restaurant. “Come on, El. She clearly ruined the fun here, let’s go back to your place.”

I can’t manage to make much of a protest when she’s holding my hand the whole way there and I can’t really manage to bring up what happened at The Latch when she’s going on about pointless things just to keep me busy. So I let it all slide, like I always do. Sometimes I wish I had a back bone.

When we get back to my house, Mom’s already left for work. She left behind this movie on the kitchen counter with a little note that said she thought it was good and that we should watch it before she returns it. I put what looks like a horror movie on the flat screen in our living room but not long into the movie River and I find out it’s one of those scary movies that are more funny than horrifying.

Naturally, River loses interest quickly; finding more interest in kissing me until I’m nearly dizzy. Much like she always does, she moves too fast for me to process how I got underneath her on the couch. Before I know it, she’s kissing and nibbling at my neck; instantly I recognize that feeling in the pit of my stomach. “D-didn’t you just do this at the restaurant?” I find myself asking, for some reason there’s a small protest in me even though I usually wouldn’t complain.

She chuckles a bit, her nervous breath fanning out on my neck. She moves off of me and we settle back into our separate sides. “Right, sorry. I guess I should be giving you a bit more space, I could win the award for worst girlfriend of the year at this rate.” She mutters the little joke as she moves back to her side of the couch but I’m too busy focused on that one subtle word to notice anything else she says. “Girlfriend?”

She smooths out her shirt before looking up at me with this nervous smile that doesn’t fit her personality at all. “Well… If you could even call someone as bad at this as I am a girlfriend then yeah, I guess that’s what you would call me… Right?” First she doesn’t even answer me when I ask her what we are and now such a short time later she’s labeling herself my girlfriend. She’s trying to screw with my mind, I swear it’s like all she does is play mind games with me. Like a game of cat and mouse.

“I thought we weren’t dating?” I peel back the layers of the subject carefully, making sure to start out with a small question; used in a quiet voice. As if the cat would catch the mouse if it said something wrong.

She laughs this zealous laugh that makes her seem even more like the cat in this game. “We just got back from a date at our favourite restaurant, not to mention what happened in the bathroom,” just the small comment sends a blaze of red into my cheeks and she makes note of it with a sly smile before continuing. “I’m pretty sure that makes us dating, Ellie.”

“That was a date? I thought you were just hungry.” I purposely choose talking about the first part of her argument to avoid bringing up something that would only bring out a brighter color of red in my cheeks. “Well, yeah. But it still counts as a date in my book. I mean that is the only successful date I’ve ever been on.” for her it’s a joke, verging on an insult at herself. But for some reason I only see it as some kind of achievement.

After a minute of thought I go back to cautiously trying to peel back the layers from the walking onion I’ve come to know as River. “But I thought you didn’t want us to be ‘dating’.” the confusion whirling around inside of me makes its way out in the form of an almost angry tone. “Why would you think that?” The innocently curious look in her eyes makes the storm of emotions in me fizz out a bit. “I… I don’t know. I just thought because you didn’t want to talk about it and at school…” she cuts me off with a small wave of her hand. “Oh, that. I was just worried about my past and you know, those punks at school. But we’ve kinda resolved all of that so I’m not really worried about admitting we’re together anymore… Unless, of course you have objections.” she gives me that ‘it’s your turn to speak’ look that I’ve gotten from so many people over the years and just like each time before I sputter out my reply in a haste of panic. “N-no… I mean, not ‘no I don’t want to be with you’ kinda no; But like, ‘no, no objections’ kinda no…” I ramble for a few seconds before giving up altogether and staring down at my hands, feeling guilty for being so bad with words.

I glance up at her after a second to gauge how bad I messed up and to my surprise I find her smiling. “You’re such a goof.” she states and it pulls a relieved laugh out of me.

“Now, if we’re done here, I’m already hungry again and I think I’m gonna rummage through your kitchen and see if you have anything to go with this awful movie.” she starts to get up but before she can walk away I pull her back down to the couch, she’s not getting out of this conversation that easy. “I sense you need something?” She questions as she settles back into the surface of the couch. Not knowing what to say or what else to do, I kiss her on the cheek. “What was that for?” she chuckles and somehow just being in this good of a mood with her makes up for the past few weeks.

“For being my girlfriend?” I offer and somehow it causes the both of us to burst into laughter. “Have I mentioned you’re a goof yet?” the comment leads to another few minutes of giggling and joking until somehow we’ve ended up laughing through the whole movie and two more after that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The hours go by with such ease that the day not only reminds me of all the past summers we spent together but it somehow seems better than all the days before. As if now we have something new forming where everything older began.

“We should go out.” the statement catches me off guard and I look away from the start of another awful movie to look at her curiously. “Go where?”

“I don’t know just go out, you know, like a date.”

“A date?” I giggle at the idea, “What for? Didn’t we already go on one of those today?”

“Yeah, but you didn’t even know it was a date. It technically doesn’t count. Official dating rules and what not.” she tries to impersonate this pompous british accent that she always did when we were younger. It always had a way of making me laugh. “Alright, O wise one. Where do you suggest we go?”

“It’s a Saturday night, there’s plenty of places to go. Come on.” She pulls me to my feet and starts bouncing up the stairs with excitement. “Where are you going?” I follow after her and she leaves the question unanswered in the air. Until I get to my room and find her throwing clothes out of my closet. “We need something to wear. Here try this.” She tosses a tank top at me and I fiddle with the material in my hands for a minute. “We’re not going to a club or something, are we? You know I don’t like all that noise and people everywhere.” I grumble at her, remembering the one and only time she took me to a party and I threw up in some guy’s lap. I wasn't even drunk.

“Relax, we’re just going to see what kinda fun we can get into. You can trust me, right?” She peeks around the closet door to look at me expectantly. “Yeah, I guess.” I sigh out, knowing I could never really argue with her anyway. “Good... I guess” she mocks me mildly before turning back to the closet to loudly pull out a suitcase from the back that I haven’t touched in ages.

The suitcase is full with a secret stash of clothes we stole from River’s sister over the years. It’s something we’d been doing for a while now, taking little things here and there until the case was nearly overflowing with the most expensive designer clothes I’ve ever touched.

“Here, this’ll look perfect on you.” she tosses me this purple flowery shirt and then a lacey, black over shirt a second later. I change into the clothes with my back turned to her and just like typical River would, she walks over to me and pokes me in the ribs. “You know you’re not hiding anything I haven’t already seen.” The cockiness in her voice somehow brings back the old casualness we had with eachother and after I put on the shirt I elbow her with enough force to send her stumbling back with a startled groan.

The playfulness goes on until she finds a pair of holy jeans for me to where and an outfit for herself. She decided to go with some white band shirt and a pair of black skinny jeans, a look that isn’t much different from her usual attire.

After we change she drags me down the stairs and out the door to look for what I can only guess will be trouble.

Chapter 15, "Demons and Neon Lights"

After dragging me out of the house, River's plan starts to faulter from there and not knowing what else to do we end up walking around the main hot spot in town. Every other normal girl our age would usually go here every Saturday to meet up with friends and drink until they pass out. But unlike the majority of people our age, I find this part of town completly foreign. I find myself walking by countless nightclubs and I realize quickly I’m exactly where mom doesn’t like me at. That part of town where normal, actually social people hang out. The normal place.

River stops to lean against the building we’re currently walking by. “So, we’ve been walking around for ten minutes now. Where do you think we should go?” I stare at her confused, “How would I know? This wasn’t my idea.” I cross my arms and try to match her posture. She snickers, “I just thought I’d let you pick. I’m sure you have a good taste in clubs.” She mocks and I almost move to hit her arm.

But someone’s familiar voice stops me, “Ellie!” I turn to find Kathy and Shay walking towards us, hand in hand. I’d stop to envy how carelessly they show their affection, but Kathy startles me with a hug that sucks the air right out of my lungs. “H-hi… Kath…” I struggle to get a greeting out and thankfully Shay comes to my rescue. “Babe, you’re killing our friend.” with that Kathy releases the death grip and Shay replaces it with her own, more gentle hug. The way she hugs is so soft and feather light it’s like hugging a cloud compared to Kathy’s Boa constrictor hug.

Kathy moves to give River a quick fist bump before asking, “So what are you guys doing here? I didn’t really take Ellie for the party type.” she looks me over for a minute and the small glance I get from Shay tells me she’s not much of a partier either. “She’s not, but we’re working on her social skills. Right, miss hermit?” River pokes my side jokingly and I swat at her hand, a small huff of annoyance leaving me.

“Understandable, her and Shay must be in the same ball field. You two are just in luck, we’re heading to this awesome place right now, come on, you should join us.” Kathy starts walking backwards, giving us this hopeful look that we’ll follow along. I look to River as if I need her permission or something. “Come on, it’s the perfect place to learn how to use your social skills.” Kathy coaxes and River nudges me in her direction. Reluctantly, I follow along with their party plans.

Kathy and Shay lead us to this neon lit club with the words ‘Neon Love’ hanging over the entrance in bright red and pink. When we walk in, the front half of the building seems to be a cafe by day. But Kathy leads us to the back, where this huge bald man stands guard at the back door.

“Is your name on the list?” he grumbles like he’s tired of having to say the same words all night. “Nah, dude. You must be the new guy. I know the owner, I’m her little sister.” Kathy gives him this over confident look, like she should already be inside. “If I had a dime for every time someone said they were with the owner…” The guard starts. “Seriously, bro. I do know her. Wait, that’s her. Here, I’ll get her to back me up.” She strains to look over the tall man’s shoulder to see past the doorway. “Lee!” she shouts at someone and even the guard jumps at her sudden high volume. “Miss, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

“No, wait a minute, I can get her over” She tries again to yell past the guard at whoever’s inside “Lianna!”

“Miss, I’m not gonna ask you again. You and your friends need to leave.”

“Relax, new boy. She’s cool.” this dainty, european voice emits from the other side of the door and a brunette in her mid 20s pushes the guard out of the way. Grumbling something, the guard lets us through the red rope and not paying us much mind, the woman leads us over to a table where the noise of the music isn’t as loud. “What’s up, kiddo?” the woman moves to ruffle Kathy’s hair before turning to nudge Shay. “I see you brought the ball n chain. How’s it going, Mousy?” Shay makes a quiet reply that I don’t really catch before the woman notices River and I. “You brought friends?” River was in the middle of trying to walk over to the bar when Lee directs her attention to her and River gives a small, disappointed nod in her direction.

“Yeah, this is River. At least say hi to the owner before you vanish on me, dude.” Kathy pulls River back to us and River sticks her hand out. She shakes River's hand with just as much enthusiasm as her sister did the first day we met her. “Lianna Stern, but you can call me Lee. Pleasure to meet you.” River tries to seem as equally enthusiastic before Kathy pushes her sister in my direction. “And this is her absolutely adorable girlfriend, Ellie.” the whole sentence stuns my response system. For one, I’m not use to being called adorable unless it’s by my mother; and two, I’m still getting use to being called River’s girlfriend. Which I’m glad to find out that I’m not the only one when I glance over at River and find her shifting her weight and scratching the back of her head nervously.

“Nice to meet you, Ellie. I have to say, you two look more like straight best friends… Jesus, my gaydar is getting worse. Anyways, who’s up for a drink?” For once River and I get to avoid that situation when Lee calls over a guy with spiky hair before any of us can even react to her statement. She orders us drinks and he scurrys off as quickly as he appeared.

“I’m assuming none of you are the prissy no drinks type?” Lee asks as we all settle into these leather couches, hiding us in the corner of the club. Knowing River and I are still one year below the legal drinking age, my natural habit to be the good one kicks in and I start to speak up. “Um, we’re not actually old enough…” my sentence cuts short when River nudges me as she takes the seat beside me. “She’s giving us free drinks, hush.” She whispers but Lee’s already heard enough of my sentence to catch her attention. “Well, how old are you?”

“17, it’s not that big a deal, right?” River interjects before I can ruin her chances at a free drink. “Oh, come on. It’s only one year younger than us. We’re still in the same grade even. Don’t worry about it.” Kathy smiles, handing River this pink drink with a little umbrella. River takes the drink with enthusiasm and tries to pass one to me. I look down at the drink in her hand worriedly. “Relax, El. It doesn’t even have that much alcohol in it. Your good girl reputation will stay in place, trust me.” Reluctantly, I take the drink and stare down at it for a few minutes as everyone else talks.

River notices soon enough and stops talking to everyone else, fading into the background so she can lean in closer to talk to me. “Honey, you don’t have to drink it if you don’t want to. I just didn’t want you to feel left out. If it’s really that big of a deal to you, I’ll drink it for you.” she reaches for the drink but I pull it away, suddenly not wanting to look like a pussy infront of everyone. “I can drink it.” I grumble.

“Are you sure? I remember the last time you had alcohol.” much to my dismay, I too remember the time she snuck one of her dad’s six packs over and I was plastered before I finished one beer. “It’s fine, I was 14 when that happened. I can handle it.” I try to sound determined. She chuckles softly, moving to kiss me on the cheek. “Goof.” is the only thing she says.

Despite my tough act, I know I have a low tolerance for alcohol. But I’d never admit that, especially when it puts me at risk of looking like a total loser around River. I take a timid sip of the drink, looking around at the rest of the group to make sure no one notices how pathetic I look right now. After a minute I realize I’ve gone unnoticed and I move to stare down at the drink in my hand, fiddling with the umbrella. “How’s that drink going?” River nudges me playfully, looking clearly convinced that I won’t take another sip. “I can finish it.” I grumble back, taking a bigger sip than before just to prove my point.

I glance around at the group again, already everyone else has settled into this comfortable ease, like they’re right at home. Which I imagine they are by now, being as Lee is the owner of the place.

Kathy gets up to get another drink before quickly settling back into her spot on the couch by the wall. She squeezes into the seat between Lee and Shay. Lee goes right back to talking and Shay automatically moves back under Kathy’s arm like a trained dog. I chuckle a bit at it as Kathy starts up this hushed conversation with her sister.

Suddenly I feel my drink float out of my grasp and I look over to find River pulling the drink out of my hand. “Hey!” I try to act like I’m upset that she took the dreaded glass away from me. “I’m thirsty and you’re just going to let it go to waste anyways.” She smirks that damned smirk at me and a bolt of irritation surges through me. I’m not letting her think I’m a baby that easily, I at least have to put up some sort of a fight.

“I will not, give it back.”

“Why should I, Princess?” The mocking tone in her voice is too much to bear; even if I usually am a pushover any other time, she’s not getting the best of me now. “Because it’s my drink, now give it back.” my attempt at intimidating her only serves to make her laugh. “If you say so, Princess.” she hands the glass back over but somehow her mockery makes me feel less accomplished about the act.

Lee jumps to her feet and breaks the tensions of the little argument between us “Let’s go, what’s the point of clubbing if we’re just sitting here?” after a minute everyone follows her out to the mass of people dancing like their lives depend on it.

For the most part I stand off to the side of the fun, only really joining in on the crowded close contact when River or someone else pulls me back in. It’s like being that one small fish that wants to get out of the giant, sweaty school of fish but her friends just keep pulling her back in.

At some point, the party music stops and little by little it’s replaced with more and more slow songs. Meaning the sweaty school of fish gradually breaks up into smaller, less annoying groups of fish and the groups of twos in the center of the dance floor. A certain song in particular comes on and Kathy and Shay join the twos groups to dance to ‘their song’.

River joins me in the awkward corner away from the dance floor. “You’re not having fun are you?” she asks after a minute. “No, I am. I like hanging out with you and those two dweebs over there.” I nod in the direction of the dance floor, where Kathy and Shay are trying to waltz when they’re not giggling up a storm or tripping over the other dancers. Every other couple on the dance floor is glaring at them and yet they don't seem to care.

“They’re a perfect couple.” River laughs and I find myself laughing too because it couldn’t be a more true statement. Another minute of silence passes before she decides to speak up again. “I know you don’t like crowds and honestly I don’t blame you. We can go back to your place if you want.” she looks me over quickly, looking like she’s almost praying to go home at this point. And it wouldn’t take me many guesses to figure out why.

As tempting as the idea is, we should at least try to enjoy this club, for the sake of our friends. “Nah, we can stay a bit longer. Right?” she looks surprised when I say that but she doesn’t seem to have any objections. “Right, well if I’m staying any longer I’m going to need another drink. I’ll be right back.” She kisses me on the cheek again before disappearing into the crowd of people now huddling at the bar.

I look around nervously as soon as she leaves, disappointed that I don’t have any friends around me. It almost feels like I’m worried someone like Chloe will show up and hassle me as soon as I’m left alone for more than a minute.

But now that I actually get to look around, I’m surprised by the people I see here. Some of these people I’ve even seen around school, they usually look as shut in and as miserable as I am at school. But here, they look so happy. So themselves.

The first person I recognize is this irish boy in my yearbook class. He’s dancing with this short korean girl. I’ve seen them sitting together at lunch but for some reason no one at school really knows they’re dating. It probably has something to do with one of their parents and at the realization a hint of sympathy surfaces. Somehow I know how they feel.

Actually, as I look around at the other couples, I can understand a lot more about these people than I thought I would. They’re all outcasts. People that someone along the line had deemed not normal.

Beside the first couple I saw, there’s this terrifying looking man with tattoos all over his body and a burly black beard. He’s dancing with a blonde, curly haired woman with glasses. For someone who looks so terrifying, even from here I can hear the sweetness in his voice when he talks to her. He’s probably been judged for god knows how long because he looks like a hit man, but honestly the tone in his voice makes him sound like he couldn’t hurt a fly. It makes me think for a minute, that on the outside he could look so rough and people could judge him for it; but on the inside he could be an angel for all they knew.

And of course he’s not the only one. Beside him, there’s a redheaded woman in her early 40s dancing with a man who only looks about 25. Not too far away from them there’s this muslim girl (who’s face I can just barely see through the cloth) dancing with this geeky boy with a cross around his neck. A few feet away from them is another biker looking man dancing with an equally biker looking girl.

Then of course there’s Kathy and Shay. “The school dykes” as Chloe would call them. But I don’t see why they have to be picked on so much for a difference that shouldn’t really matter to other people. Of course people would argue that I wouldn’t understand because I’m not straight either, but that really has nothing to do with why people have to be so cruel to them.

And of course they’re not alone. On one side of them there’s an elderly man dancing with another man and on the other side of them there’s two people who if I’m being completely honest I can’t even tell what gender they are. All throughout the club there’s gays, transgender, intersex, and any other label you can think of.

Suddenly I recognize a face I swear I’ve seen before and I have to do a double take to find the guy again; just to make sure it’s who I think it is. But sure enough, it’s one of Ryan’s friends. Another football player. Dancing with that small, geeky boy that sits in the office during fourth block. The auburn haired jock outmatches the boy in height and strength, but yet the jock is looking down at him like he’s the most amazing thing in the world.

“Pretty cool, huh?” Lee’s voice startles me out of my thoughts and I nearly jump out of my skin. “Whoa, sorry. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you.” I try to catch my breath, managing some kind of reply and I don’t even know what it is that I said. But it seems to be good enough for Lee and she goes back to talking, “Anyways, I saw you watching the dancers. It’s pretty amazing what this place turned into, isn’t it? I got the idea from my lil sis of course, I made a vow to myself that I would make a safe place where people like her could come. A place where everyone could feel happy. Feel normal.”

Her statement sends a shiver down my spine and I can only manage a nod in response. She chuckles, “Quite, aren’t you? You must be related to Mousy over there.” She nods in Shay’s direction, watching Shay dance with Kathy. Say something, you goob.

“N-no, I just met her not that long ago. She’s nice though, I like her.” that last sentence comes out of no where and I’m not sure why I said it but it was sincere none the less. “Me too, she’s a sweety. She’s been Kathy’s best friend since day care.” In the middle of their twirling and giggling, they manage to bump into yet another couple. The guy growls something rude at them and Lee seems as amused by it as her sister. She chuckles softly, watching the two of them twirl around. “God, what a pair of goofballs they are. You know, as much trouble as I give them, I'm glad they're happy. They've been through a lot. As long as I can remember, someone was always picking on Shay... Kathy always had her back though, nothing could ever touch those two. Kathy would always kick ass and Shay would always hold her back when she got in too deep…” I watch every little step of their lives play over and over in Lee’s eyes like a movie on rewind. She seems utterly lost in memory for a minute as she watches them like she’s Kathy’s protective mother.

Shay buries her nose in Kathy’s shirt, looking like the happiest girl in the world. Lee chuckles again, “Funny thing is, Kathy always cared for that girl. She practically worships the ground Shay walks on. It goes both ways though. They’re a match made in heaven, those two.” it seems like she’s talking more to herself than to me but a part of me still feels honored to get to know such an intimate part of their lives.

“Wouldn’t it be nice if we all got the romantic movie ending like those two dweebs did?” she finally comes back out of her world and peels her eyes away from them to look at me. “Yeah…”

“And they know exactly how lucky they are, always flaunting around they’re happy love crap around my single ass. Jeez, I feel like I need another drink.” She says it in this joking tone but I know there’s some small part of her that does envy them. And I know how she feels, I spent years of my life envying the couples that walked around in school; just wishing to have the same thing. What about now? Has all that changed?

River walks up with a drink in her hand and Lee snatches it right out of her fingers as she walks over to us. “Ask and you shall receive, thanks for the drink, River.” she hands River the money she probably spent on that drink for herself before the older blonde walks over to Johnny. “God, what is it with that family?” River huffs, watching the trouble making club owner walk over to Johnny to reprimand him on his bartending skills.

Another fast paced song starts blaring through the club and Kathy rushes over to us. Shay walks up to stand beside me, shaking her head “She’s been sneaking drinks the whole night, wait until Lee gets her hands on her. She’s not suppose to be drinking this much.” Kathy stumbles around River and begs her to go dance with them. River pulls herself free from her and Kathy loses her balance a bit. “Hell no, I can’t handle any more of the trouble sisters. I’m getting another drink.” River grumbles, leaving a saddened Kathy to cling to me instead. “Well, her loss then. Come on, Ellie. I know you’ll dance with us.” Kathy tugs on my arm like a toddler. “I’ve already told you, I can’t dance.”

“Pssh please, like I can? Who cares? You’re suppose to be having fun.” she tries to coax me out of my corner but I stay glued to the wall. “I’m having fun right here.” I grumble and she laughs this cheery, clearly half drunken laugh. “Come onnnn…” She whines and not wanting to ruin her fun, I reluctantly move away from my corner to join her on the dance floor.

But her drunken fun only lasts for a few minutes. “Katherine May Stern!” Lee’s voice emerges from the crowd and because I hear her before I see her, I jump a bit at the sound of her angry tone. Kathy’s eyes widen like a scared puppy and she turns to find her sister pushing through the crowd to tower over her. “Come on, just because I own the joint doesn’t mean you can get wasted on my expense.” She clamps onto Kathy’s arm and drags her back over to the corner in the back. Cautiously Shay and I tag along, sitting on the couch across from the sisters.

“You’re going to have a hell of a headache, here take this. I swear you never listen to me.” The eldest sister rants on as she opens a bottle from her purse and hands Kathy a pill and a glass of water. “That should sober you up in a few minutes, I hope your hangover teaches you a damn lesson. Shay, I need to get back to the bar. When she’s sober, take her home.” Lee moves to stand and starts to walk away throwing “Actually watch her this time, please.” over her shoulder as she leaves.

By the time River comes back from wherever she disappeared to, the medicine has done it’s job to sober up Kathy. “God, my head. I wanna go home.” she groans, struggling to stand at first. “What did I miss?” River interjects curiously as we follow her out. Shay gives her a quick explanation as she catches up to Kathy and steadies the girl with her arm. “Jeez, I leave to go to the bathroom for five minutes.” River grumbles, moving to take my hand as we walk past the guard and the red rope. For a second her hand startles me before I realize that we’re supposed to be use to holding hands by now.

We stand outside the main entrance for a few minutes as Kathy leans against the wall to steady herself. “Can someone get a taxi or something? I think I’m gonna hurl.” She grumbles, bending over as if she might actually throw up. Shay moves barely a foot away from her to try to call a taxi and River moves to take her place against the wall. With my hand linked to hers, I follow along and stand by her.

I glance around to take in my surroundings as we wait. It doesn’t take me long to recognize this familiar blonde and her friends walking up to us. Despite me knowing who it is in an instant, I spot them too late to warn the others. “Well it looks like our night just got more entertaining.”

“Oh for fucks sake.” Kathy is the first of us to make a verbal acknowledgement before bending over again and coughing a few times. Chloe takes us in for a moment, trying to process everything in order to make her attack. “Wait… Are you hanging out with the Freak and the gay queens? At fucking gay central of all places?” River flenches a bit, her hand tightening around mine in this way that makes me feel comforted and worried at the same time. “What does it matter to you Chloe? Don’t you have your minions to torment?” at that Chloe growls in irritation and moves closer; trying to keep her composure before continuing. “You’re still keeping up this act? Seriously, just stop hanging out with these losers and come with us.”

“That’s enough, Chloe. Just leave.” The authority in River’s voice challenges Chloe a little too much and she moves to push on her shoulders. But she stops when she glances down and notices our hands. Her arms fall down to her sides again and she stares at us in confusion for a minute. When she looks back up into River’s eyes, I swear for the briefest of seconds, I can see hurt in her nearly perfect blue eyes. “You can’t be serious, River.” River doesn’t offer a reply, she just tightens her grip on my hand and the gesture catches me off guard. I glance over at her to see that determined look on her face that she always has when she’s fully convinced in going through with something. She’s actually going through with this. The startled and confused thought rings out before Chloe starts to speak again.

“What the hell happened to you? You could have had anyone you wanted and you picked her? She’s a freak, River.”

Before River can reply, Kathy interjects with a hoarse, tired voice. “Ellie’s anything but a freak, insult my friends one more time and I swear I will fight through my hangover to kick your ass.” the statement catches me off guard but it’s not just the statement itself. She moves away from the wall to stand strongly by River’s side and just this once, Shay doesn’t stop her from starting a fight. They’re all protecting me.

But Chloe doesn’t seem to care, her death glare is locked and focused solely on me. “Savannah.” with just that small mention of her name, one of the girls behind Chloe shifts forward; already knowing the plan like she can read Chloe’s mind.

All in the blink of an eye, I’m separated from the group, pulled free from River’s grasp by the softball player named Savannah. I get practically thrown to Chloe and before I know it she’s beating me up again. Savannah and the other girl in Chloe’s posse manage to hold River and Kathy off long enough to allow Chloe to beat me to the ground and climb on top of me. She pins me to the dirty concrete and before I even know I’m on the ground, her hands are around my throat. She manages to lift my head and slam it back down on the concrete what feels like a few dozen times before someone comes to my rescue.

“Let go of her!” much to my surprise, my rescuer has Shay’s soft voice. Somehow she manages to sound sweet even when she’s angry and I wonder if she even has a mean bone in her body that’s strong enough to protect her from Chloe. But somehow she manages to pull the enraged girl off of me and I’m left staring up at the night sky, my head aching much like it did the first time this happened. Only a thousand times worse.

A heavy thud hits the wall of the club and I try to push through the pain to see what’s going on. I find that thud to have been Savannah, pushed against the wall, one punch from Kathy sends the girl to the ground.

She claws the other girl off of River and in an attempt to help I try to stand. But I can barely even sit up and the action causes the world to spin for what feels like an eternity. I scramble around until I find myself leaning against something, a bench or a lighting post; whatever it may be I can’t really tell at the moment.

When I lean against it though, the world stops moving and I look around to find River again. When Kathy pulls the girl off of her, all in a quick movement, the girl’s face hits the wall. Knowing that they’ll be okay, I try to search through the blurs to find Shay and Chloe. As I guessed, Shay didn’t have a chance against Chloe and already she’s starting to suffer the same fate that I had moments before.

But this time, Chloe won’t get away with it. She only manages to hit Shay’s head on the sidewalk once. Shay lets out this panicked cry and within seconds Kathy is pulling Chloe to her feet. Something snapped in Kathy’s eyes, they don’t hold the kind sparkle they did just minutes before Chloe showed up. All I see now is pure rage and Kathy’s eyes are hazed over with it.

She manages to free Shay from Chloe’s grasp, lifting the girl up and away from her victim. Chloe’s feet actually leave the ground before her whole body comes crashing back down to earth and now Kathy has the upper hand. River gets to her feet and tries to pull Kathy away but the girl pushes her back and keeps attacking Chloe as if she’s possessed. Kathy hits Chloe at least three times before Shay comes out of the haze that Chloe’s beating put on both of us.

She scrambles to Kathy’s side, placing a feather light hand on Kathy’s back. “Baby, that’s enough.” Kathy keeps hitting Chloe, each punch harder than the last and it’s as if she didn’t even hear Shay. “We need to get her off of her before the cops come or something.” River warns, trying again to break them apart. “That’s not what I’m worried about, you have no idea what she’s capable of when she fights like this.” Shay mutters with worry as she tries to carefully pull Kathy's hand out of Chloe's hair.

Again Shay tries to break Kathy away from the girl underneath her. “Babe, stop!” this time she tries to grab her arm but still Kathy doesn’t break out of the trance. Instead she places her hands around Chloe’s neck, giving her a taste of her own medicine.

As if this has happened a million times before, Shay takes more forceful action, looking like she knows exactly what she’s doing. “Kathy! Stop!” She places her hand on Kathy’s shoulder and pushes her as far away from Chloe as she can manage. “Kath, sweetie look at me…” She places her hands on Kathy’s cheeks and finally the girl stills her motions a bit. “You need to stop, okay? Let go of her, baby, you’re choking her.” as if Shay magically broke some sort of spell, Kathy instantly releases her grip from Chloe’s throat and moves as far away from the gasping girl as she can manage, like she suddenly has the plague.

“W-what happened?” Kathy looks down at Chloe’s beaten state with confusion. “You blacked out again, it’s okay, it’s over now.” Shay places her hand on Kathy’s arm and smiles timidly. Kathy seems to drift out of her confusion and looks up at her with panic, as if she suddenly remembered something. “Did she hurt you? Are you okay?” she tries to check the back of Shay’s head for damage and Shay smiles. “I’m fine, sweetheart.”

River looks over Chloe for a minute to make sure she’ll be okay. When she’s sure Kathy’s assault hadn’t killed her, she pulls the blonde to her feet and shoves her towards her friends; who are already standing nervously against the wall. “Get the fuck out of here.” is all she says before the two girls drag Chloe away in a fear driven haste. River stands there and watches them a minute more before she’s convinced they aren’t coming back. She moves to kneel at my side and rubs my shoulder gently.

“Ellie?” She waves a hand infront of my face and it takes me a minute to realize she’s even near me, let alone to notice her hand. “We should get her to a hospital, she doesn’t look good at all, River.” I hear what sounds vaguely like Kathy’s voice in the background a minute later. “I know, call a cab or something.”

“You’ll never get a cab at this hour, I’ll be right back; I’ll see what Lee has to say.” with that the blured image of Kathy disappears back inside.

After that, every minute starts to feel like hours drifting by and the more time that passes the worse my headache gets. “C-can we go now?” I try to voice how much I need to leave right now, but it only seems to leave me in the slurred voice a drunk would have.

“Yeah, sweetie. Just let me go find Kathy.” the dark blur infront of me starts to leave my sight and River’s voice follows along behind it. “Stay with her, I’m going to see what’s taking Kathy so long.” She leaves us alone on the sidewalk and Shay scoots closer. “Don’t worry, Ellie. Lee’s dealt with stuff like this before, she’ll make sure you’re okay.” when she moves to hold my hand I try to return the act of kindness with a bruised smile.

Only seconds after that, someone rushes through the doors of the neon lit club “She’s over here.” that distorted version of River’s voice emerges again as three blurred people move to stand infront of me. “Okay, how’s the 911 going, sis?” the tallest of the girls kneels at my side as she speaks. “I don’t see what the point is, they’re long gone by now.”

“It doesn’t matter, I’ve told you this a thousand times before. Just do it.” the dream like image of Lee moves to examine my head and lets out a sharp breath when her hand comes back to her in a bloody state. “Come on, they can just take our statement at the hospital. I’m not taking the chance on waiting for them to show up.” Suddenly I feel an arm hook under my legs and another one on my back, causing me to squirm away a bit. “Relax, kid. It’s just me.” Lee’s voice rings out and at her comment I let my body relax so she can pick me up. For a second I wonder if she’s even strong enough to do so but the second quickly passes when I feel myself leaving the ground.

“What are you doing?” River asks with caution, following right along side of us. I feel her touch my arm for a second before Lee picks up her pace and her hand falls into the darkness around me. All I can see now is a blue flannel shirt and brown hair falling down to tickle my nose.

“My car’s parked around back, I’m pretty sure we can all manage to fit inside. We need to get her to a hospital now and it’s not like we’ll get a damn cab in time.” Lee’s voice startles me out of the half asleep state I was in and instantly River reacts to the little jump. “It’s okay, sweetie.” again I feel her hand on my arm and it doesn’t leave me the whole time Lee walks.

The dizzying movement of her walking, as long as it feels, probably only lasts seconds and suddenly it comes to a halt, her voice ringing out again. “Kath, get the keys. River, you’ll have to get in first and hold her, we’re only a few blocks away, so we can get away with the tight fit. Unless you don’t want tweedle dee and tweedle dumb to come along.” I here Kathy make some kind of remark on the other side of the car as Lee says that but neither her nor River pay it any mind. “No, I want them to come.” is River’s almost instant reply.

For a few minutes I think I fall asleep as Kathy struggles with the key, only stirring again when Lee grumbles something at her. River speaks up again when I move but I don’t catch it. For a second I feel like she’s watching my every movement, as if I’ll kick the bucket any second now. Her fingers move through my hair in a calming way for a few moments before finally the car is unlocked and running.

With a stern order from Lee, Kathy moves into the passenger seat and someone opens the back door. Once River’s inside, I’m quickly passed over to her and Lee nearly runs around the car to get in the driver’s seat. Shay finds a way to squeeze in next to River and before I know it, I’m being tossed back a bit as the car jolts forward. “Easy!” River hisses, pulling me closer and whispering some kind of reassurance. Lee murmurs an apology as I try to fight through the pain to better adjust myself. Somewhere between the window and River’s shoulder, I find a spot to rest my head and with that small comfort I start to slip in and out of consciousness as the ride goes on. Untill finally I completly black out.

Chapter 16, "Promises"

☯River☯

The hospital room Ellie was put in is currently silent, except for the constant beeping of the monitors. Shay fidgets nervously in one of the seats on the opposite side of the bed, she smiles nervously at me when her eyes look away from her hands and into mine. She hasn’t said much since we got here, her usual cheery manner not currently present to keep away the silence. Kathy insisted she get her head looked at when we got here and Shay’s humble protests are the only thing I’ve heard from her since.

Kathy reemerges from the hallway and shatters the silence throughout the dreaded room. “I didn’t know what you wanted so I figured we’d just take turns going. It’s probably better like that anyway, just in case someone has to go to the bathroom or something while someone’s off getting food and what not. That way she’s never alone.” normally I would grumble something about how Ellie would be okay enough to be left alone for more than a minute. But it’s been three days and she hasn’t woken up. She hasn’t even moved in her sleep, she just lays there; like a rock. Or a dead body.

A shiver goes down my spine at the thought and Kathy tries to break me out of my thoughts. “You should go get some food, Shay and I can watch her while you’re gone. You haven’t had anything in god knows how long.” She sits in the seat beside me, it’s usually occupied by Ellie’s mom when she’s not at work. I scoot my chair closer to Ellie’s bed, if it’s even possible to get closer at this point. I stare down at the hand I’ve had in my grasp for hours on end before looking back at Kathy, attempting some sort of small smile. “I’m fine, Shay can go. She hasn’t eaten much herself.” Kathy gives me this concerned look but for the time being she says nothing of it and gets up briefly to talk to Shay. They hover in the doorway for a minute, talking in hushed voices and I don’t even bother to listen anymore. They kiss briefly and Shay wanders off down the hall.

“You’ll get something when she comes back, right?” Kathy moves to sit at my side again. She places a hand on Ellie’s thigh, just above the knee, and watches her carefully for a minute before turning back to me. “I’m not hungry.” I lie, but we both see right through it. “Come on, don’t try that bull shit, it’s me you’re talking to here. I haven’t seen you leave her side since it happened and I know you’re damn near starving by now, among other things. You haven’t slept, hell you’ve barely left that seat. I told you Shay and I would be here, nothing’s going to happen with us around. I mean I know we haven’t been here the whole time since apparently skipping a Monday was out of Miss Shay’s criteria.” She smirks for a second at the thought of her uneasy girlfriend before going serious again. “But while we were at school her mom was here. It’s not like she’ll be left alone, River.”

“I know that…” I grumble, knowing she’s going to pull a serious conversation out of me sooner or later and I hate the idea instantly. “Then what’s wrong?” I groan as soon as she asks the question, moving my eyes back to Ellie’s hand in an attempt to escape her gaze. “I … I made a promise.” I mutter as quietly as I can manage, not that it’ll prevent her from hearing anyway. “Just tell me, River. You know you can trust me, we’re practically twins for God’s sake.” when I glance back up at her, I can still see the sincerity in her eyes; even if she tries to add humor at the end of it all.

“In the car, on the way here…” I start off cautiously, still not wanting to say what I’m about to. Still not wanting to admit that I have a heart like the promise I made would imply. A heart that has feelings and is secretly scared of being broken.

“I promised her I’d never leave her again… I’ve done it before when she needed me and I don’t want to do that to her again. Ever.” I watch Ellie for a minute after the sentence leaves me, hoping for some sign that she’s awake.

When I come up with nothing, I glance back at Kathy again and find her staring at me thoughtfully. “I understand.” is all she says after a few minutes pass. She looks at me like she understands more than anyone else ever could. Like she’s been in my shoes. Done the same things. Made the same mistakes.

She breaks the gaze after a minute with a small smile and turns her attention back to Ellie. “I knew there was a reason we met.” She says it so simply but it leaves me at a total loss. Before I can say anything, Shay comes back in with her meal in hand and just like that the moment is gone.

Kathy moves back to sitting beside Shay and they eat their meals in total silence. While they eat, I stay in my seat and stare silently at the hand in my grasp. I can’t even think about going to get food right now, it just seems too much to let go of her hand for a long period of time; let alone leaving her entirely. Hours seem to blur by me in a confused daze that I don’t pay attention to. Pretty soon the only thing I’m really aware of is Ellie. Her shallow breathing, her motionless body. Eventually the only thing I care about is the faint pulse I get from letting my fingers dance over her wrist.

The room gradually becomes darker, Ellie’s mom had apparently showed up hours ago and I failed to notice her presence. Kathy tries to tell me something but I barely even register it at first. “River?” She squeezes in between my seat and Addie’s to nudge my shoulder gently and I snap out of the daze that the long passing of time set on me. I look away from Ellie’s heart monitor to gaze up at her tiredly. “I’m gonna take Shay home, we didn’t wanna leave but we’ve been awake since it happened and I really think she should get some rest.” I glance over at Shay, slouched in her chair with Kathy’s jacket around her. “We’ll be back first thing in the morning, I promise.” Kathy tries to reassure me with a smile and I look back at her with understanding; she’s just caring for her girlfriend. I know the feeling all too well. “Okay, Kath. Make sure she’s okay.” this sudden bolt of guilt shivers through me. I’d already failed at that myself.

“River. Ellie’s gonna be fine. Stop beating yourself up, okay?” sometimes it’s as if the girl can read my mind. Maybe it’s because we have so much in common; after all, I’m practically following in her foot steps from what I can tell.

I manage a small nod and she pats my shoulders, “Try to get some sleep while you’re at it. I’ll see you in the morning.” she leaves me with those words. She moves away from me to join Shay on the other side of the room, crouching down so she’s level with the exhausted looking girl. She nudges her shoulder gently, much like she did to me, and it rouses Shay from her fragile state of sleep. “Come on, baby, we’re gonna go home.” she plays with Shay’s hair for a second and in an instant I can tell it’s an action that serves only to calm both of their nerves. Shay stares at her for a long minute in sleepy confusion. “What about Ellie?” she glances towards us and when her eyes meet mine, they quickly shoot away. I imagine the sight of me in this state must scare her, I probably look a thousand times more grumpy to her than I usually do.

“She’ll be fine. If we can leave her for school, we can leave for a few hours of sleep. Come on, babydoll, you need your rest.” Kathy gently coaxes the girl to her feet and as soon as she starts ushering her to the door, Shay pulls away. “Wait.” she moves away from Kathy to hover over Ellie for a brief second before bending down to hug her. With any other person, I would have protested. But Shay’s feather light touch couldn’t hurt Ellie if she tried; that and I let it go because I know she’s the closest thing Ellie has to a best friend.

“Good night, Ellie.” she mumbles quietly; she’s grown accustomed to saying goodbye to Ellie before school, but for some reason this time makes me feel more sick to my stomach than before. Like it’s a final goodbye.

Kathy moves to take her place when she shuffles away. She places a gentle hand on Ellie’s shoulder and bends down to lightly kiss her forehead. “See you tomorrow, El.” For someone who can fight like hell, she’s surprisingly super gentle with people she cares about.

She steps away from the hospital bed after a delayed minute and moves to take Shay’s hand. “Goodnight, Mrs. Stone.” even now Shay manages to keep her sense of respect and manners. “Goodbye, sweetheart. Thank you both for staying with her.” for the first time all day, I manage to hear Addie’s voice. For fifteen minutes after they’ve left, I don’t really expect to hear it again. But I do.

“River, can I ask you something?” it takes me a second for my tired brain to register the noise as a question and eventually I manage a reply, “Sure.”

“I probably shouldn’t be bringing this up being as Ellie can’t really speak for herself… But I guess it’s my job as a mother to ask.” She doesn’t actually get to asking whatever it is until a moment later, when she gathers the courage. “Are you two… Are you the same as those girls?” she nods very subtly towards the door Kathy and Shay had disappeared through what already seems like hours ago. I know what she’s asking before she even asks, as vague as her wording is. But still my response is delayed. For the first time, it’s not because I don’t want people to know; I’ve stopped thinking like that ever since Chloe showed up on that street. It’s just a little intimidating when I’m talking to the mother of the girl I’ve been in bed with.

“Yeah…” I answer quietly with a small nod. She takes that in for a moment, trying to wrap her head around how I unintentionally just brought her daughter’s sexuality to the surface. “Well, I can’t say her father would be pleased if he were still around. But after all, his narrow mindedness is partly what lead to the divorce. Unlike him, I’m more worried right now about how you’ll treat her.” She turns her body to face me more fully and when it couples with the look she’s giving me, I feel the cowardliness in me grow. “I won’t hurt her.” the statement itself is already a lie and I feel as if something should strike me down for all the wrongs I’ve done. The old me has already broken that promise time and time again.

But that's the old me, I swore I’d never let anything happen to her again and in the promise I made to Ellie; I know I can keep the promise I’m making now to her mom. I won’t hurt her. Not again.

“You’re a good girl, River. I’m trusting you to take care of my baby.” her entire statement feels like a small stab in the chest but I try not to let it show in my expression. “I will.” when it leaves my mouth, the answer I give to her implied question doesn’t seem enough. In this era, this type of thing doesn’t happen all that often; when people date they don’t usually have to worry about meeting the parents and having the awful conversation I’m enduring now. As old fashioned as it is, it’s still a reality to some and no one really likes to be having this conversation with their lover’s parent; most would probably leave it at that small agreement in hopes the conversation ends. But as uncomfortable as this is, I have to make sure she knows I care about Ellie; that her daughter will be in safe hands. Even if I wasn’t that person before, I swear from this moment on to be the person she deserves.

Before I really know what I’m going to say, I find myself speaking. “She means the world to me.That sounds like something any stupid teenager would say, but I mean it. She’s the best thing that’s happened to me, She’s always been there for me. Ever since we met at the park and she had those pigtails.” I smile briefly at the memory of a 12 year old Ellie and Addie smiles too. It’s the first time I think we’ve smiled in days. “You’ve been through a lot together.” she says with this fond tone in her voice. “We have.” I mutter, knowing better than Addie that Ellie has endured a lot for me. Because that’s just the kind of person Ellie is. I wish I could be more like her, maybe then we wouldn’t be in this mess.

She gives me one last small smile before moving to the loveseat sitting in the corner of the room. Within minutes she’s asleep and I’m left alone in the silence of the room, the constant beeping of the monitor being the only thing radiating through the small, dreaded hospital room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At some point, I must have let the tiredness get the better of me. I open my eyes to see nothing but a white blanket and Ellie’s hand. I reach out to it with as much gentleness as I can manage. I run my fingers along her palm; letting out a small sigh of relief when they come in contact with warm skin. At least I know she made it through the night. Maybe Kathy’s right, maybe I am worrying too much. But it’s not like I can help it.

I move my fingers up past her hand and stop at her wrist, the faint feel of her heartbeat still remains and I relax a bit. I move up the rest of her arm rather absentmindedly. I’m thankful I chose this side of the bed, I couldn’t bare looking at the scars that line her other arm. Carefully I move my hand back to holding onto hers, still I haven’t managed to lift my head from where it’s rested. I watch her for a while, this sense of hope still in the pit of my stomach. I’m still waiting for her to show me she’s okay.

One of her fingers suddenly feels like it’s moving underneath my grasp and I pull my hand away to study hers intently. At least ten minutes must pass and I start to realize I probably just imagined it. Please move, please. I find my thoughts begging for any signs that she could be conscious. When nothing happens, I move to play with her fingers; this wave of defeat washing over me.

A few more minutes go by and I find myself falling back asleep, my hand starts to fall away from hers. But just before it does I feel her index finger suddenly hook around my ring finger. My head shoots up from its resting spot by her leg and that feeling of hope in my stomach erupts into flames. “Ellie?” I search her face for any signs she’s awake but nothing seems to happen. Maybe it was just a reflex. I place my right hand on her stomach, making sure that my left hand stays in her weak grasp. “Ellie, please. Wake up.” I try to choke back the tears that start to form at the corners of my eyes and I wait.

At least five more minutes pass before I feel her other fingers slowly and stiffly move to grab my hand. They just barely manage to hold on with a feather light grip and again I search her face for signs she’s awake.

All in one quick second, her body seems to come back to life. She moans softly, a small, strangled cough leaving her and in the process her eyes gradually open. I let my breath in a sigh of relief, my chest feeling like it’s about to burst. As soon as her eyes open, I stand up; hovering over her with worry. “Ellie?” I find myself saying her name again, just to make sure she’s really awake.

She lets out a groan of pain and her eyes start searching the room blindly.

At last they seem to adjust to the light of the room and her eyes find me. She studies me hard for a moment before realizing who it is she’s looking at. “R… River?” her voice is slightly strained but I couldn’t be more happy to hear it. I feel tears of relief start to stream down my cheeks, “Thank God, you’re okay.” my first instinct is to hug her but I restrain myself in fear of furthering her injuries. I settle for moving my right hand up to her cheek and kissing her on the forehead. She tries to smile but the busted lip Chloe gave her startles the smile away with a pinch of pain.

“River…” she tries to start a sentence but finds it difficult at first. I wait impatiently for her to speak, all I’ve been wanting for days on end now is to hear her voice. “… Where am I?”

“You’re in the hospital.” I answer instantly, the last word sticking to my tongue like some kind of poison I can’t escape.

“W-why? What happened?” she asks with worry.

“What do you remember?” I answer with my own question, a small part of me feels glad that she can’t remember.

“We were… taking Kathy home, weren’t we?” I can only manage a nod in reply and it takes me several minutes to voice what had happened to her. She doesn’t seem that surprised when I tell her and honestly I can’t blame her, this is something Chloe would do. She’s insane, I swear.

Addie stirs from her sleep and notices Ellie’s awake state instantly, as if it’s the first thing she looks for when she wakes up. I know the feeling all too well. She rushes to the side of the hospital bed and unlike me, she doesn’t think to be careful. She moves to hug Ellie regardless and thankfully it doesn’t seem to cause her too much pain.

After a hug and several kisses on the cheek, she rushes off to find a doctor. When the doctor arrives, I find myself being shoved out of the room while they do tests. Addie and I wait nervously for at least two hours until finally the doctor comes back to us.

“So?” She immediately starts pestering the short, middle aged man. “As I said when you brought her in, she could have had permanent brain damage from such forceful impacts.” He pauses for a minute to read his clipboard and to me it seems like he’s doing it for some kind of dramatic effect. “But the good news is, she’s okay. We’re going to keep her for about two more days just to be sure, but she should be fine at home as long as she’s supervised for a while. Just make sure nothing happens to her head. And I mean absolutely nothing. If she so much as hits her head on a counter door or anything, bring her back in as soon as it happens. Okay?” When he says that, I instantly dislike him because his words are bound to make Addie and I a thousand times more protective.

Once Addie’s gone over a few more things with him, he leaves us with paper work and allows us back into Ellie’s room. I’d somehow managed to remember to text Kathy when we were in the waiting room and not five minutes after we’re allowed back in, her and Shay rush through the door.

“Hey, cutie. Glad to see you’re finally awake.” Kathy moves to give her a small hug and once again, Ellie tries to smile. Her eyes light up when Shay comes into view and she reaches out for the shy girl the instant she enters the room. “Hi, sweetie.” Shay moves in to give her a hug as soon as Kathy steps back. She’s usually shy and reserved when she hugs her, but now she’s hugging Ellie like they’re long lost sisters.

“Wow, how long have I been out?” Ellie asks with surprise.

“Only, like, four days, sleeping beauty.” Kathy smirks as she moves to sit in her regular seat. “Really?” the adorable sound of astonishment in Ellie’s voice brings out the first laugh I’ve had in what feels like forever.

Chapter 17, "Recoveries"

☀Ellie☀

Ever since I woke up, I’ve been showered with nothing but attention. I didn’t remember what happened at first and I still kind of feel like I woke up in a different world, but I’ve accepted everyone’s kindness with earnest regardless of the situation.

When I’m allowed to go home, mom makes sure to treat me like a glass doll the second we leave the hospital. I can tell Kathy finds it amusing and River gets easily annoyed with it. But like Shay, I don’t really seem to mind it. Until the rest of the month passes and she’s still watching me like I’m a child.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With mom insisting I do the rest of my school work from home, Summer finally arrives without me even having to attend almost half of the last semester. I still have to make up everything I’m supposed to be doing and I manage to pass the classes by the skin of my teeth.

The first week of summer break goes by relatively calmly, probably because I don’t leave the house. Fear of running into Chloe again still plagues me, even after the month that’s gone by.

Thankfully, I have friends to help pull me through it; something I haven’t been able to say for years. Shay’s made a habit of coming over every single day since I got out of the hospital and most of the time she brings Kathy along. For once in my life, I can actually say I have a best friend.

Besides River, of course. Speaking of her, she hasn’t left my house since school let out; lately she’s only been leaving when her sister insists she comes home to spend Saturday night with her family. Sometimes I feel like I’m a burden to all of them, but they’ve reassured me time and time again that they actually like spending time with me.

“Get your own popcorn!” Kathy swats River’s hand away and it pulls me out of my thoughts and back to the world around me. I try to redirect my attention on the movie playing on Kathy’s tv. Her and Shay moved into this apartment two weeks ago and they insisted we come over the first weekend after school let out. But already it looks like Kathy’s starting to regret it.

“I just wanted a little bit, God.” River huffs, moving back towards my side of the couch. She wraps her arm around me as Kathy speaks up again, “Get your own.” she grumbles again and Shay nudges her leg, “Behave.”

Despite Shay’s quiet command, the both of them continue to bicker back and forth until the bickering turns into nudges, that turn into hits. Eventually River decides to escalate things and when Kathy least expects it, she tips the bowl of popcorn in her hand, flinging popcorn all over Kathy and an innocent Shay.

“River! I just vacuumed!” Kathy’s first instinct is to push River off the couch and then for the next fifteen minutes, they run around the apartment throwing things at each other. For a brief minute I try to break the two of them up, until Shay breaks it up for me.

“I can’t hear the movie!” the suddenly stern tone in her voice startles all of us into silence. “Thank you. And you better clean this mess up before this movie ends, Katherine May.”

“Of course, dear.” Kathy mutters with this tone of defeat and for the whole rest of the movie, River and her silently pick up the mess they made. An hour later the movie finishes with some sappy, overused ending that I don’t really pay attention to. It doesn’t take long after the movie’s ending for River to start searching for food. She makes herself right at home and raids the refrigerator, much to Kathy’s dismay. Sadly for her, she’ll quickly get use to River eating everything she can manage.

But when she tries to eat her food in the living room as Shay starts the next movie, that’s where Kathy draws the line. “This is a new couch, off.” River smirks at her, “No, I’m not a dog.”

“Off.” Kathy growls and River moves to the floor in fear of angering Shay with another fight.

We end up watching two more movies before finally Shay calls it quits and wanders off to bed. River and I stand up from the couch, taking the hint that it’s time to leave. Kathy mutters a small goodbye through her yawns before shutting the door behind us. We walk down the concrete steps infront of her apartment and make the short walk back to my house.

Of course when we get there, mom is still up watching reruns of Grey’s Anatomy on the tv in the living room. We try to sneak by her to the stairs but her voice stops us in our tracks before we even get past the first stair, “Nice try, girls. I can finish this in my room, River you’re sleeping on the couch.” she gets up from said couch and gestures for River to take the now unoccupied spot. I now know very well why she does this every time River’s here, River told me the conversation they had when I was in the hospital. As awkward as it makes things now, I’m still overjoyed that River is comfortable enough to tell people about our relationship. Especially when it takes a lot more courage to talk to my mom about it.

I walk up the stairs without her and start changing into my night clothes, tossing my bra on my dresser in case I need it tomorrow or something. I pull the covers on my bed back and curl up in the warmth of the blankets. I’m not going to sleep yet, I know that much. Right now I’m just waiting. I know the routine by heart at this point. River will lay on the couch until she’s certain my mom won’t notice her going up stairs. Sometimes it can take hours for her to be distracted or asleep enough, sometimes only minutes. But regardless, I know River will end up sleeping here like every other time before, as if we can’t sleep apart.

So until then, I stare up at my ceiling silently and listen to the sounds of mom’s tv downstairs. It doesn’t take her long to drift off to bed and before I know it, my door is opening and River is crawling under my covers.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” there it is, that concerned tone. Every time we’ve been alone since I left the hospital, she’s managed to adopt that voice. She speaks like something terrible might happen to me any second. I find myself smiling at the thought of this side of River, she hardly ever shows she cares. I always thought that I was the only one to get to see her sensitive side and to this day I still like the idea.

“I’m okay.” I answer simply and she scoots closer, gingerly wrapping her arms around my waist.

“I’m not hurting you, am I?” truthfully, my stomach is still the slightest bit sore from how hard Chloe had punched and kicked me, but I can’t bring myself to mention it when River’s being so sweet, it’s not like her. And I intend to soak up every minute of it.

“No.” I mumble, a small yawn escaping me as I do so. Satisfied with my answer, she nuzzles my neck. It’s a nice feeling, to have her being this affectionate. She kisses my collarbone a few times and her hand slides under my shirt; her fingers moving along my ribs as if she’s counting each one. Already I can feel that bubbling feeling in the pit of my stomach because I know exactly what she’s thinking.

I realize we haven’t actually done this in a while, not since before I ended up in the hospital. Then immediately after the first realization, I realize what “this” is when her hands start to wander further up my body.

“River…” I start my protest, trying to remember why I exactly I want to protest. “What?” I can feel the smirk against my skin before she moves to kiss my neck. “My mom usually isn’t right down stairs when we do this, she’s gonna hear.”

“Maybe you should practice being more quiet then.” she chuckles and it brings out the playfulness in both of us. I roll over, moving to straddle her waist and a tickle fight breaks loose. She bursts into laughter as I start tickling her sides and she tries to form a sentence between the giggles and gasps for air. “Stop it, she’s going to know I’m up here.”

“Who needs to practice being quiet now?” I find myself laughing too and she lets out a grumble of defeat, “Okay... you win. Stop, please.” I pull my hands away from her sides and try to put on the most innocent looking smile I can manage. “You’re an ass.” she sighs, trying to catch her breath again. I lean down to kiss her nose, “I’m sorry.” much to my relief, I know now that she can’t stay mad as long as I put on my best smile.

“I forgive you.” she moves to kiss me lightly, but the soft touch instantly leaves me wanting more and without really meaning to, I move to kiss her more forcefully. Thankfully, it doesn’t seem to make her uncomfortable like I worried it would and instead she kisses back.

The kisses go on a lot longer than I thought they would and when tongues come into the mix, I forget for a brief second that I’m supposed to be restraining myself. Her hands move up to tangle in my hair, pulling me closer and I take it as a sign to go one step further. Cautiously, I slide my hand under her shirt. For a minute, I don’t do anything more than that, just letting it rest on her stomach. But something starts to get to me and gradually my hand starts moving on it's own will.

She breaks the kiss briefly and a desperate need to still be kissing some part of her washes over me. I start kissing her neck and at first she seems okay with it. But at some point, the act must be too much to bear and when I get to her collarbone, she lets out a small moan. Her body tenses and as soon as it does I freeze up. Because the last time her body tensed like that, I went too far and scared her nearly half to death.

I pushed too hard, I’m making her panic. God, I’m such an idiot. I pull back instantly, suddenly remembering why I’m never the one on top. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… I just…” I struggle to find something to say but my whole brain process stops when she smiles faintly. “It’s okay, Ellie.”

“Really?” the stupid, pointless question leaves me before I can stop it and her smile grows. “Really… It’s okay for you to do that.”

“But, I thought…” I’m so dumbfounded that I can’t even manage to finish the sentence. Not that I need to anyways.

“I trust you. I know now that you wouldn’t hurt me.” her statement leaves me completely speechless for a few minutes. Is she really saying what I think she’s saying?

“Are you sure?” I wiggle back on her hips a bit and stare down at her with accusation unintentionally written all over my face. She sits up so her eyes are once again level with mine and stares right back at me for a moment. Eventually she closes the gap and kisses me softly before pulling back and taking my right hand. She guides it down to the waistband of her shorts and lets it hover there. “I’m sure.”

Every tiny doubt I have suddenly vanishes with that little action and I find myself kissing her, gently pushing her back down a moment later. That familiar nervous feeling I felt the first time we did this resurfaces. Only this time it’s a thousand times worse because now I’m the one in control. And Ellie Stone has never once in her life been in control, she doesn’t even know where to begin with the idea of control.

Ten minutes go by and we’ve managed to get down to an almost completely naked state. But I still have no idea what I’m doing and all I can think about is how bad I’m going to fuck this up.

“Ellie, relax.” I swear the girl can see right through me. I stop the nervous nibbling on her collarbone and move so that my eyes are hovering over hers. “You’re doing great, trust me.” with that little statement of encouragement, I realize she must like the nibbling, despite it being a nervous action. I move to kiss her carefully before moving back to what I was doing before.

I gradually start making a careful descent down her torso, stopping when I get between her breasts. From past experiences with her doing this to me, I move to test out feather light kisses around each breast. Her quiet whimpering turns into soft moaning and it quickly encourages more forceful kisses and eventually licks. For a moment I get wrapped up in it, just this once I find myself not being so worried about what I might do. I end up going around her breast at least two times, like I'm on a train track I can't get off of. I realize I'm doing it out of nervousness, too awkward to go any further and at some point I get up the courage to move my mouth away from its track and it ends up on a new one closer to her nipple. Just wanting to satisfy curiosity I move my mouth directly to the rised part of her flesh. She immediately responds by arching her back and pressing her skin further into my mouth. I move to give her other breast the same attention for a moment before deciding to move on. Eager to explore the rest of her, I start moving the trail of open mouthed kisses further down her body.

I stop when I get to the only piece of clothing left and I look back up at her with worry. “Can I…” before I can even finish the sentence she responds with: “God, yes.” The longing in her voice speeds up my heartbeat. I carefully pull off the last piece of clothing and toss it to the floor with the rest of our discarded clothes.

It takes me a moment to take in the now uncovered skin that presents itself before me. I’ve never actually seen her this naked before and the sight leaves me breathless. All I can really think to do is move closer and satisfy the urge to just reach out and touch her.

Her hips buck into my hand when I do and the action sends a shot of arousal down my spine. I don’t really know what I’m doing but I find myself gently running my finger along her just because I can’t really manage to stop myself from the general curiosity of ‘what would happen if I did this’.

I find out quickly that whatever I’m doing must feel good in some aspect, because she lets out another moan; trying hard to make sure it’s not louder than the ones before it. Encouraged by the sound, I continue the action. A few minutes of the curious touching goes by until her hips are pushing further into my hand and her back arches more than it did before. “Ellie… Stop teasing.”

I realize in an instant that my feather light touching is probably starting to feel inhumanly cruel to her. In an effort to make up for it, I place a kiss on the spot of her torment. The wetness that I feel there makes me pull back in surprise but just as I do, her hips push me right back in.

This time a distinct, almost sweet smell is the first thing that greets me. Somehow, I still find it surprising that I can do all of this to her and I find myself pushing closer, just to be sure that I’m not just imagining it.

The smell and the wetness gets stronger the closer I get and for a second I nearly bury my nose in it just so I can place the smell better. It’s not sweet but yet somehow it reminds me of something sugary. Curiously, I let my tongue lick her carefully to see if she tastes as good as she smells.

The action causes a gasp to leave her lips and her body jolts foreward at the contact. Her legs start to shake and I know by now that my curious playing is getting to her, so instead of teasing her any longer, I decide to put her out of her misery.

I place another opened mouthed kiss to her skin, letting my tongue flick out again like an out of control flame. She accepts the action gratefully, pressing herself closer to my mouth in an attempt to get more. Her fingers tangle in my hair, pulling me as close as I can get. I follow the wordless request and start licking her in a more rhythmic pattern.

I soon lose sense of what’s going on and all I can really manage to focus on is the actions I’m carrying out. Doing this is actually a lot more pleasurable than I thought it would be and now I know why River doesn’t mind being the one in control all the time. Something about bringing such pleasure to her just feels… nice.

My hands start itching to be doing something and I move my right hand back to her, going back to that curious touching. One of my fingers slips inside of her and she lets out a sharp gasp, louder than before. I stop my actions and look back up into her eyes worriedly. “It’s okay, really… keep going. Please.”

Her words are more than enough to make me resume my previous actions, adding another finger a few minutes later; my other hand moves to hold onto her hip. I try to keep in time with her breathing but the longer it goes on, the harder I find it to match her shaky breaths.

Suddenly the muscles around my fingers start to clench and she throws a hand over her mouth to muffle the noises; much to my disappointment. When her movements start to slow down and the bucking of her hips resides, I move back up to hover over her. Her eyes are closed and her breathing is ragged. Not knowing what else to do, I shower her with kisses until I get a response.

She giggles, a thing I’ve rarely heard her do in all the years I’ve known her. “You’re so sweet.” she states and it causes me to smile. She opens her eyes and I keep the smile plastered on until I’m granted with a kiss. She kisses me more passionately than she usually does and honestly I don’t think she’s ever really kissed me like that.

She rolls us over and all too soon, I find myself in the familiar place underneath her. She’s not as slow and patient about it, but honestly I don’t mind. She bites on my neck, probably hard enough to leave a bruise but I somehow find myself moaning because of it.

Impatiently, she moves her hand down my body and in between my legs. Much like she did, I buck my hips at her touch and she smirks down at me rather proudly. To my relief, her fingers slip inside of me without much hesitation. She’s always been like that, being forceful and it’s something I never really expected to find arousing. But right now, I’m just glad that she can skip the foreplay.

Not long after she starts to adapt a rhythm and she bites onto the other side of my neck. I let out another moan, starting to worry slightly if we’re being too loud. But the worry is quickly pushed aside when her other hand moves to the small of my back and in one quick movement, I’m being pulled into her lap. The new position somehow provides her for easier access and my hips buck into her more forcefully when she starts her rhythm again.

Instinctively, I move my right hand back down to where it was moments before and she lets out a startled moan when I enter her. After that it all seems to unravel so fast and before I know it, I’m hit with a wall of pleasure. It seems to hit her at the same time and she moves to pull me as close as she can manage; meanwhile my free hand is digging its fingers into her back at such a forceful manner that I start to fear I’m drawing blood.

After a few minutes, I collapse back into the mattress and she follows shortly after. She lays at my side and waits for her breathing to settle back to a normal state. A few more minutes go by before she decides to wrap her arms around my waist and nuzzle my neck.

“I love you.” it’s such a quiet whisper that I almost don’t catch it. I was honestly drifting off to sleep but when the small statement registers my eyes snap back open, suddenly wide awake, and I swear my heart skips a beat when I hear it. “Do you really mean that?” I move so that I can look her in the eye and she stares back at me mortified.

She doesn’t answer for a few minutes and I start to regret saying anything. She wasn’t expecting me to hear, I should have just went to sleep and…

“Yes.” it takes me a second to respond to what she just said and I find my mind somehow still plagued with doubt, even after she said it. I move away from her a bit, as if I’m expecting something bad to happen. “Y-you’re serious?”

“Have I ever said that to anyone before, Ellie?” her tone sounds so serious but yet I catch her smiling faintly. The statement hits me like a ton of bricks once I realize she’s telling the truth and the only thing I can think to do is hug her. After a minute I pull away a bit, remembering how much she hates hugs. “Sorry.” the apology slips on reflex and she smiles again, this time fully and brightly; like I just told her she won the lottery.

“It’s okay.” she moves to kiss me and for once I’m not caught off guard by her affection. The kiss leaves me in a blissful daze and it takes me a second to realize I haven’t returned the three little words I’ve been dying to hear for ages. “I love you too, River.” that bright smile appears again and this sense of pride washes over me. “I’m glad, now go to sleep. You need to rest.” she kisses my forehead before settling into the sheets in her signature way that says she’s sleeping right now, weather I like it or not. So I go along with her and close my eyes again, letting sleep fully take me over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stir from my sleep when something in my room clatters to life, I start to immediately worry that River’s leaving and I force my eyes to open. The first thing I see is her standing by the bed, pulling her clothes on. “Where are you going?” I mumble the question with worry as I move to sit up more fully. “I’m just going to the bathroom, baby, relax.” she moves to kiss my cheek and the fear of her leaving melts away.

I settle back into the sheets as she starts to walk towards my door. “Oh, not that I don’t love sleeping next to you naked, but you should probably get dressed too before your mom comes investigating.” that signature smirk of hers appears before she disappears into the hallway.

I follow her little word of advice and move to look for my clothes. It doesn’t take me long to find everything, all except for my shirt; which I find lodged between my nightstand and my bed.

As I pull the shirt down over my head, that clattering noise makes itself known again. I realize that it wasn’t River as I thought it was before, but instead something more near the window. I walk up to it cautiously, which seems like a stupid idea once I actually get to it. It’s open, which instantly makes me start to panic because I know I closed it this morning.

My door opens, illuminating the room as River steps back inside. She spots me by the window and studies me for a minute as she closes the door back and walks towards me. “What’s wrong, sweetie?”

“Nothing, the window was open and I guess I was just being…” normally I would have gone on to explain how much of a wimp I am but something moves slightly from the darkness behind River. “Babe…?” she gives me this look of concern as soon as I trail off.

Whatever it was that moved quickly grabs onto River before she can defend herself in any way. She didn’t even have the time to turn around. I saw it too late.

The figure covers her mouth with a cloth in hand and the seriousness of the situation seems to sink in suddenly. My body doesn’t know how to react, all I can manage to do is stand there frozen with fear until the figure is lowering a now unconscious River to the floor.

The figure steps closer and still I can’t command my limbs to move, when I try, I only end up stumbling over something and falling down with the intruder hovering right over me. Quicker than I thought humanly possible, they move to attack me. Finally some sort of survival instinct kicks in and I try to squirm away, letting out a scream of fear that I hope draws in some kind of help from my mom or anyone that might be in range.

The person moves to practically sit on me and tries to muffle my scream with a hand over my mouth. I try to get a look at who it is, if I die by their hand; I at least want to know what this intruder looks like. But the darkness of the room and the hoodie they’re wearing blocks out any noticeable detail and all I can see of them is long, light colored hair.

Mom storms into the room nearly tripping over River in the process and I would thank God aloud if I could manage to. The person over me grumbles something in frustration, the sound of their voice instantly telling me whoever this is, it’s a girl.

Before I get the chance to process who she might be, she reaches behind her back and pulls out a handgun, pointing it at my mother with determination. Instinctively she stops in her tracks and stares at the gun fearfully. “If it’s money you want, you can take it. Just please, let us go.” She tries to reason with the unknown intruder and gets nothing more than a silent glare in response. Suddenly the gun moves upwards and quickly the gun fires, silenced by the silencer on the end of it. I would’ve screamed in panic had my mouth not been covered.

Thankfully the bullet wasn’t directed at her, but instead the small globe I have hanging from my ceiling. It dislodges from its suspended state and quickly falls down onto her head.

With my mom out of the way, the intruder focuses her attention back on her original goal. In the blink of an eye, the butt of the gun comes in contact with the side of my skull. It all happens so quickly, before I know it, my hearing fades, my vision blurs, and I drift into an unconscious state

Chapter 18, "Homewrecker"

 ☯River☯

As soon as I wake up, something feels wrong but I can’t place it. My head aches, the room is filled with eerie silence, and I’m cold. I open my eyes to find I’m staring at a ceiling that I wasn’t staring at when I fell asleep. I turn over and pull the sheets over my head, I don’t know what’s going on but it’s too early. Maybe I’m still sleeping, I could be dreaming this whole thing.

I reach out to pull Ellie closer in a vain attempt to relax. I come up empty handed. Suddenly the silence and the cold make since. She’s not there.

I lift my head from my pillow and realize that far more is going on than a missing girlfriend. I’m not even in her room anymore. I’m laying in a stranger’s bed, in a room I’ve never been in before. Where am I? What the hell is going on?

“You’re awake, I’m sorry if you have a headache. I had no other way of getting you here. I hope you won’t be mad.” the familiar voice rings out from the other side of the bed and I turn over again drowsily to see who it is. Chloe sits daintily in a love seat a few feet away from the bed.

“W-what the hell, Chloe?” I sit up and rub my eyes, looking around in an attempt to recognize this place. This isn’t her bedroom, I’m not even sure this is her house. “I just wanted to take you somewhere where we could have the whole place to ourselves. I found this house not long after I met you, it’s such a nice place, shame it was abandoned. I’ve been keeping it up, I’ve been waiting for years to bring you here, dear.”

“Dear?” out of all the weird ramblings she’s spewing, that one little word seems to be the oddest. “Would you prefer I called you something else? Honey? Babe, perhaps? I’ve always liked that one.”

“I’m not your babe. Why on earth would you call me that?” hearing those words come from someone who’s gotten into more than one fist fight with me, it’s just an idea I can’t grasp. What’s wrong with her? Why is she acting so weird?

“Do you remember last year, when we went to the festival they have before school starts?” she ignores my question entirely and I wrack my brain to try to piece together what she’s referring to. “No…”

“Oh, sweetie, that hurts my feelings a bit. But I forgive you, I don’t blame you for forgetting at a time like this.” Her happy expression falters for a second when she says that last part. “Anyway, you took me on all of the rides, oh, and you even won me a teddy bear. I still have it, by the way. It was rather romantic, don’t you think?”

Slowly I start to piece together what she’s talking about. “Chloe, that wasn’t a date. I won an elephant for Savannah, too.”

“I remember. But you didn’t kiss Savannah.” she smiles fondly at me and all of a sudden I realize why she’s bringing this up. “That wasn’t me, you tried to kiss me and I told you I wasn’t interested. Look, I’m really sorry if me being with Ellie brings up old wounds but I thought you got over it.”

“You’re not with her.” she growls, trying not to break her composure.

“What do you mean?”

“You didn’t turn me down, you must be confused from all the stress you’ve been under. We’ve been together for almost a full year now.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? I’m not with you.” the tone in my voice ruins her happy looking smile and turns it into a frown. “Please don’t talk to me like that, you know, you’re being very hurtful right now.” somehow the tone in her voice makes everything click together.

Oh my god, does she really believe the story she’s telling me? Is that why she's acting so weird? “Chloe… I’m not your girlfriend…” I try to address the situation carefully but it blows up in my face.

“Is this your way of breaking up with me?” she looks at me with such distress in her eyes and tears start to fall down her cheeks. She really does believe it. “N-no… I mean…” She gets up and starts to pace. “I know things haven’t exactly been the easiest lately, but you don’t have to talk like that. We can work things out.”

“No, Chloe, we can’t. You don’t understand, I’m with Ellie…” I would have gone on to explain that she’s completely lost her mind but she cuts me off. “You’re not!” her raised voice level startles me into silence.

“I know what you’ve been doing, you’ve been cheating on me. But I can’t just let you throw away what we have for…  her. I’m going to fix this, I swear.” she steps closer and moves to sit in my lap. I’m so completely confused by everything that’s happening that I don’t think to push her off at first.

“I’ll be better to you. Please, just let me try to fix things.” she wraps her arms around my neck and for some reason I can’t manage to push her away. I pity her. A part of me feels like I drove her over the edge and now she’s completely insane. All because I rejected her.

“Chloe…” I try to soften my voice, like I’m talking to a child. “This isn’t going to work out, you have to understand that.”

“It will work out. I know we’ve both been horrible to each other lately, but I also know that you still love me. Deep down, I know you do.” before I can make a protest, she presses her lips to mine. Immediately, I feel dirty, like my lips are suddenly filthy just for kissing someone who’s not Ellie. But still I don’t pull away, I’ll at least let her have this one moment. Maybe she deserves that much from me since I’m the reason she’s so insane right now.

But she takes the gesture too far, assuming that I wanted to kiss her just because I didn’t have it in me to hurt her anymore. She deepens the kiss, moving her hands down my torso to rest on the waistband of my pajamas. I break the kiss in hopes I can stop her, but she only takes that as a sign she’s not doing anything wrong. She moves to start kissing my neck, moving her hands back up to explore my body. It’s too pushy, it brings back memories of my uncle and those awful men taking advantage of me. Ellie never tried to touch me like this, she was always respectful.

Ellie. “Chloe… stop. I can’t do this.” I push her back slightly and try to catch my breathe.

“Why not?” again that hurt tone in her voice strikes me down, why do I keep hurting every girl that falls in love with me?

“I won’t hurt Ellie. I love her, Chloe.”

“No… You love me.”

“Chloe, I don’t…”

“Stop lying!” again her raised voice startles me into total silence. “I’m supposed to be the one you love. Why don’t you love me anymore?” she starts crying again and I don’t know how to respond. How do I tell her what she thinks she knows is all made up?

“I… I never did. Chloe, you’re confused. If you let me help you, I can take you somewhere and they’ll give you medicine or something…” she pushes on my shoulders and shoves herself out of my lap; moving to pace the room again. “You’re the one that’s confused. It’s all her fault, she did this to you. I’m going to make her pay.” in the blink of an eye my mood towards her changes, instantly replaced by the urge to protect Ellie.

“Chloe. Do you have her here too?”

“She’s downstairs, she has to pay for what she did, River.”

Before I can even really think, I’m getting to my feet and walking towards her. “If you hurt her, I swear to god…” She pushes me back again and starts walking towards the door. “I’ll do far more than hurt her. If you won’t love me, I’ll make both of you pay. Starting with her.” she leaves the room before I can respond and slams the door in my face; locking me inside.

 

☀Ellie☀

 I rouse from my “sleep” sometime later with a splitting headache and I struggle to remember what happened. I try to open my eyes to gauge my surroundings. The first thing I notice is that I’m now sitting up, leaned against something; a wall probably. It’s cold and slightly damp.

I try again to open my heavy eyes, there’s a small light in the room I find myself in. Someone is crouching infront of me, watching me.

“Wake up!” something slams into the side of my face and I’m forced to do as the person instructs. My eyes snap open and in a panic I try to look around. I’m in some kind of basement with a girl hovering around me. I suddenly remember what happened and realize in a hot second that this is the same girl that broke into my home. When the shock of the punch wears off, I focus my eyes more closely on the girl in question; trying so desperately to see if there’s any detail I can spot on her. She’s blonde.

“C… Chloe?” Suddenly everything clicks, of course this would happen. Who else did I expect? But why does she have me here? What’s going on?

“Of course it’s me, you stupid whore.” she slaps the other side of my face and I try in vain to shield myself; only to realize my hands are tied together. “Wh-where am I?”

“Shut up!” she slaps me again and I start to feel tears form at the corners of my eyes. “You don’t deserve to know where you are, you’ll never get out of here anyways.” I try not to speak, in fear of her silencing me again. “This is all your fault, everything was perfect until you fucked it up.”

“I didn’t do anything… Why am I here?” as much as I tried not to speak, fear of what may happen drives the words past my lips. “You’re here because you ruined everything, you took her from me. I’m going to make you pay for what you’ve done.” the low growl that emits from the seemingly angelic looking cheerleader sends a shiver down my spine. I don’t know what I did, but I regret it already.

“I’m sorry, whatever I did, I’m sorry. Please let me go.” a sob of pure fear works its way out of me and again she hits me.

“You’re not sorry!” She nearly screams it at me and I shrink back against the wall, startled by the outburst.

“You don’t even know what you’ve done, how dare you try to act like you’re sorry? You’re not sorry, but you will be. And when you are sorry, I’m still going to make you pay. You’re never getting out of here, no matter how sorry you say you are.”

☯River☯

I hit the door when she slams it in my face, as if it’ll actually help me. After a minute, I look around the room to take in my surroundings. I’ve definitely never been here before; she must have actually brought all of her stuff to this abandoned house.

The windows are covered with wood and bared up like a jail cell. I can’t tell if it was her doing or not but regardless I’m trapped in her until she comes back for me. Unless I find some way to get the door open.

I turn back to the door I’m leaning against and stare at it silently for a moment. I reach out to turn the knob, as if I actually expect her to keep it unlocked. But by some miracle the door isn’t locked and it gives way after a little pushing.

Cautiously, I step into the small hallway that greets me on the other side of the door. I walk down it, trying to ignore all the pictures that Chloe and I took when we were friends hanging on both walls. I don’t bother to open any of the doors that occasionally interrupt the walls of the dark hall, instead I follow the hallway all the way to an end. A living room is the first thing I see on my left and a kitchen on my right. It’s a small, simple house, but still I find it surprising that it’s fully furnished; as if someone’s been living here. For a brief second I start to worry if Chloe was lying about the house being abandoned. Did she lock up the owners? Or is it really abandoned and she was crazy enough to set up all this stuff? Does she think that we live here together?

I try to push the thought aside as I wander the house, I find myself in the kitchen. There’s a back door and right beside it, a door that leads to what I can only guess is the basement. Carefully I press my ear to the door and listen.

I can hear muffled voices and in hot instant, I know she’s down there. And so is Ellie. Chloe’s voice raises for a minute and the shear anger in her voice leaves me standing here stunned. I still can’t believe such a seemingly normal looking girl could go this far off the edge.

Chloe’s voice fades from yelling into a low, warning growl and I look around the room in a futile attempt at trying to figure out what to do. Cautiously I open the door and stare down the dark stairway, another door at the end of it. I try to walk down the wooden steps as quietly as I can manage and slowly but surely I find myself in front of the other door.

Again I press my ear to the door as a murmuring voice starts up again. Then it happens. It’s sudden and the moment goes by so fast that I almost don’t catch it. But it’s this distinct sound of a bone snapping. This sound of pure agony emits from the other side of the door, it’s an odd mix between a scream and a groan but somehow it sends a shiver down my spine. Because instantly I know it has to be Ellie.

I try to push past the barrier of the door only to find that Chloe had actually locked this door. A wave of panic washes over me and my only instinct is to hit my fist against the door. “Chloe, Stop!”

My voice seems to draw the attention of someone inside and they move to hover infront of the door. “River… Just go back to our room, you shouldn’t have come here. I’ll be there to talk to you in a minute.” Chloe’s muffled voice reaches my ears but it does nothing to calm me. “Let me in, let me see her!”

“You don’t need to see her, River. It’s better if you don’t. I’ll take care of this, please go back to our room.” her reply only causes my panic to increase and I ram my shoulder into the door once before a stream of protests leaves my mouth without me even really knowing what I’m doing. “Stop! Don’t hurt her anymore, please!” I hit the door a few times but my efforts are in vain and her shadow starts to move away from the crack at the bottom of the door.

“If you won’t leave, then I can’t keep you from hearing. I’m sorry.” is her last warning before I’m ignored altogether. As soon as her figure is gone from my view, I start banging on the door again; slamming my shoulder into it a few more times. But this door is made of metal and it wouldn’t move an inch if I hit it with all of my force.

I rush back upstairs to try to find something, anything in the kitchen to get me past that door. I find a fire extinguisher and not being able to use anything else, I grab it before rushing back down the stairs to slam it against the doorknob.

Just as I get to the door, another muffled sound of pain reaches my ears and my body’s only reaction is to let out some sound of anger and fear mixed into one. I start hitting the doorknob but it seems like a pointless endeavor, as it does little to open the door. Another, louder snap rings in my ears and it’s followed shortly by another scream from Ellie that seems to shatter my heart.

I drop the fire extinguisher and go back to fruitlessly hitting the door, trying in vain to get Chloe’s attention. “Stop it! Stop hurting her, please…” the demanding yell morphs into a plea for mercy, which soon turns into uncontrollable sobbing. I fall down infront of the door, feeling like I failed Ellie in every way possible.

The torture abruptly stops, Chloe’s shadow moving to hover by the door again. A few minutes of silence pass and I stare down at my hands with every sense of hope draining from me.

Suddenly Chloe’s face comes into view as she crouches down infront of me. “Please stop crying, I can’t stand to see you in pain like this.” I push myself to my feet as soon as I realize what this means. I try to push past her to get to the door but she slams it shut before I can get inside. The automatic lock clicks into place and in the blink of an eye, I redirect my attention on Chloe.

“What did you do to her? Open the door now, I need to see her.” I shove her against the wall, my fists balling up in her shirt. “River, you can’t see her. I told you… ”

“I don’t care, let me see her.” my voice comes out as a low grumble, in a tone I never realized I could use before. I’ve tried to be threatening before but nothing quite compares to this.

“River… Don’t make me resort to drastic measures, we can talk. Please? I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier, but we can’t keep getting mad at each other like this. It’s not good for our relationship.”

“I’m not your girlfriend, we don’t have a relationship.” I snap back immediately, a small part of me still wanting to try to reason with any sane part of her that might still be in there. Again that hurt look falls onto her features and suddenly something stabs my left side. I stagger away from her, startled by the small pinch of pain. She tosses an injector pen to the ground and instantly I realize what the small stab was.

“It’s okay, it’ll make you feel better.” She murmurs, trying to get rid of the panicked expression on my face by caressing my cheek. All the anger and fear I was feeling starts to quickly fade and within a few minutes I forget what I was upset about in the first place. “W-what did you do?” I stumble away from her until I’m backed into the opposite wall.

“You weren’t acting like the sweet girlfriend you usually are, I just gave you some medicine to get you back to your old self.” She smiles at me brightly and I feel like I should take it as a bad sign. But I can’t manage to think of her as bad anymore, she is smiling after all. Bad people usually don’t have a nice smile like that do they?

“I should take you back to our room, you need to lie down before the medicine fully kicks in. You’ll pass out the first time I give it to you, but don’t worry. Your body will get use to it after that. Then you’ll be back to your sweet self.” She chatters along as she pulls me gingerly up the stairs.

By the time I get to the top of the stairs, the high of whatever it is she gave me fully sinks in. I’m no longer worried about what was in the basement.

 

☀Ellie☀

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As soon as Chloe had uttered the low warning, a shiver of panic slides down my spine. She stands up and walks away from me, into the darker areas of the basement. She moves around, whatever she’s getting makes a small metallic sound that echoes through the silent basement.

She comes back to me with a knife in hand and the second I see the metal tip of the blade, I scoot away from her fearfully. She grabs onto my arm and yanks me to my feet before I can get away. She throws me roughly into some rusted lawn chair and it knocks the air out of my lungs. Being more distracted on trying to breathe, I don’t really pay attention as she pulls up another lawn chair and sits beside me, grabbing for my arm as soon as she’s seated. She starts cutting at my ropes and for some stupid reason I start to think maybe, just maybe, this is all some cruel joke and now she’s letting me go. But it’s only false hope.

When my arms are cut free, she sets the blade down beside her chair and moves this slab of wood between us. I don’t know what it’s used for, it’s just this piece of wood, nailed to a flatter wooden base. I can tell she made it herself but what she plans on using it for, I don’t know.

But it only takes a total of five seconds to find out. She takes my right arm and quickly slams it down over the wooden slab so fast that I don’t have time to process what she’s doing. My arm bends backwards over the wood and already I can feel every part of my arm straining to stay together. But she doesn’t give it the time to recover, as fast as she slams down my arm, she stands up abruptly and pushes her weight onto my wrist. It only takes seconds for the whole thing to happen, I don’t even get the chance to voice the pain until after I feel the bones snap.

For a few seconds I can’t seem to take in anything but the pain, but eventually I start to hear the banging. Chloe is already at the door, talking to whoever it is on the other side. I can’t seem to manage anything other than to gingerly hold my arm. I try to get out of the chair but I find my head is still too fuzzy because of the head injury she gave me that somehow got me here; I couldn’t stand if my life depended on it. I decide it’s probably best not to try anything, in fear she’ll make any pain she inflicts on me worse. So I sit here, hopelessly waiting for the torture that I know will come.

She walks back up to me after a minute and decides to ignore whoever is outside. They go silent for a bit and my attention is quickly pulled away from the locked door when she pulls me to my feet again. She grabs her knife before dragging me over to a table in the corner of the room. The person on the other side of that dreaded door comes back as she takes my right arm and puts it on the table. I try to pull my arm away, dreading another broken arm. But it backfires and she reacts by slamming my head onto the table. “Don’t move.” She pushes all of her body weight against me, pinning me to the table; she brings the knife up to my neck and makes a small cut on my collarbone just so she’s certain I’m not moving.

I let out a few panicked groans of pain until finally she sets the knife down on the table, right in front of my face. She keeps herself pressed against me so I couldn’t move, if I were still stupid enough to try again to escape. She puts my arm on the table again, keeping her other hand on my head so that I can’t even turn to see what it is she’ll do. She picks up something from the built in shelf below the table’s top and I wait on edge for the pain to start rushing though my arm like fire.

For a few seconds, it doesn’t happen and I know she’s just prolonging it to make me suffer that much more. Suddenly something heavy smashes down on my hand; crushing my bones between it and the table.

Another scream of pain leaves me as she lifts the heavy object away from my hand. “I bet that’s going to make it hard for you to get free, hmm?” she snickers in my ear before moving away from me and setting down a 25 pound weight on the table by the hunting knife.

The metallic banging on the door turns into nothing more than someone’s hand slamming against it. They start yelling again and vaguely I recognize the voice but it gets quieter before I can realize who it is.

Chloe steps away from me again and moves back to the door, this time opening it. I sink down to the floor as she passes through it, trying to caress the newly injured wound; but I find it near impossible with my broken arm. I can’t even try to stupidly comfort myself like a child without one of the wounds shooting fire through my body.

The person on the other side tries to get inside but Chloe manages to hold them back and the door slams shut, leaving me alone in this dark, damp room. Not knowing what to do, I try to crawl and inch my way to the nearest corner and slump against the wall. It feels like I’ve given up all hope, perhaps a little too easily. Regardless I just sit here and wait for my tormenter to return.

Chapter 19 “Hazes of Different Kinds”

☯River☯

For a few minutes I think I fall asleep and I open my eyes to find the world blurred, bright, and colorful. I look around, realizing I’m on that bed again, in the same strange room I woke up in before.

“River?” the person beside me nudges my shoulder gently and I turn to look at them with this odd smile lazily stretched across my lips. Chloe’s blue eyes greet mine and she smiles back at me, “I’m sorry about earlier, okay?”

“Okay.” I mumble, trying to remember what it is she’s apologizing for. “I’m glad you’re not mad, I hate it when we fight.” She rubs my arm and something feels slightly off when she does it. “Me too.” I reply absentmindedly, trying to figure out why I feel so out of place. I’m high on something, that’s for sure. Did she talk me into smoking weed? I swear when I sober up, I’m going to have a serious talk with her about what she thinks is cool to do on the weekend.

I’ve never been into getting high and the sluggish effect it has on my body seems to be one clue as to why. I hate how weak I feel right now. I honestly don’t remember the last time I got high, if I ever really tried it fully. But still I can tell this isn’t weed that’s making me feel like this. Something isn’t piecing together.

I look around the room, my mind wandering absently. Chloe puts a hand on my cheek and pulls my attention back to her.

“I’m really happy you decided to try to fix things with me. We’re gonna get past this.” she kisses me lightly and my mind tries to piece together all of her actions in a frazzled, utterly stoned state.

Were we fighting about something? Why did she kiss me? Do we normally do that? the kiss didn’t feel unnatural, but yet it didn’t feel completely natural either. In the back of my mind I know that I’m use to kissing a girl, but is she the girl I’m use to kissing?

I try to kiss back in an effort to figure out the answer to that last thought. From what I can tell through my high, the kiss is okay. At least she’s not a terrible kisser. But still it doesn’t quite feel right, something is still out of place.

“Something’s not right.” I mutter, looking around the room again. I sit up to lean against the headboard, trying to get my mind to clear. She sits up too and within seconds she’s moving to sit in my lap. “You’re just high, relax baby. Just enjoy it.” she moves to kiss me again, more forcefully than the first time. I can’t really manage to react fast enough to kiss back, her movements are so much more fluid than mine and I start to wonder if she’s more sober than me. Or if she’s even high at all.

When the kiss breaks she moves to kiss my neck and not sure how to react, I settle back into the headboard. Whatever I’m on seems to intensify everything I feel and even though I’ll react to it at a slower pace, it still feels nice. She nibbles on my neck slightly and to me it feels like a gentle bite. I let out a small squeak, weather it's of pain or pleasure I can’t tell.

But it instantly reminds me of someone else. Ellie would make noises like that when I bit her. “Hey, wait… You’re not Ellie, you can’t do that.” I push her back slightly, my arms feeling too weak to even push her back more than a few inches.

“I know I’m not Ellie, but I’m the one you’re supposed to be with. Not her.” with that low growling tone in her voice, everything floods back to me. “You… you drugged me. I remember what you did. Get off of me, I need to see her.” again I try to push on her shoulders but she only pushes against me, her resistance making me lose what little strength I had.

She shifts her position slightly, moving her legs between mine as she pulls me back into the surface of the mattress. “I can’t, River. I’ve been waiting for this for too long. Please don’t resist, it’ll be more enjoyable for the both of us if you just forget about her and focus on us.”

My old fears resurface when she starts to talk like that, she’s talking just like my uncle and his friends did when they… “No, don’t. I can’t go through that again. Please, get off me.”

“I know what happened when you were little, your father told me. But I’m not like them, I swear. They had evil intentions, I only want to make you see how much love we have for each other.” She caresses my cheek, moving to kiss me again but now the high has adjusted enough to make me remember how much I hated when her lips came in contact with mine.

I have just enough energy in me to pull away, turning my head to the side so I won’t have to look at her. She goes on anyways, kissing my neck without a care about how I feel. She only sees what she wants to see.

She stops briefly to pull her tank top over her head, she’s not wearing a bra and at the realization I bet she’s been planning this moment since I ended up here.

She tugs at the night shirt I was wearing when she broke into our home and took us in the middle of the night like a true criminal. She pulls it away from my body, despite how bad I want it to stay; I didn’t have a bra when she appeared and I’m lucky I was dressed at all. But still, I’m going to be stripped of every cover I have and there’s not a thing I can do about it.

She pulls on the strings of my sweatpants with a rough, impatient movement. The first quiet cry of protest leaves me, tears already burning my eyes. She doesn’t seem to hear me though and proceeds to take my sweatpants and underwear off all in one motion. I shiver as soon as I realize I’m completely naked infront of someone who has every intention of violating the now uncovered skin. She stands up, pulling her shorts and underwear down equally as quick as she had done it to me. She opens the drawer of the small nightstand by the bed and reaches inside for something. I try to turn my head to the other side but I still catch a glance of the pink object.

“I thought this would make this better, I wanted to be as intimate with you as possible and the shopkeeper suggested this.” She moves over me again with some kind of sex toy in hand, it looks like any other dildo; except for the smaller one on the other end of it that seems to curve up a bit. She gets on her knees, placing herself right in between my legs and she starts to ease the smaller end inside of herself. I turn my head away from her again, realizing at a painful speed what that thing is for. Now she has the full ability to take me and still there’s nothing I can do.

I try to force my limbs to move in some faint hope that the drugs have worn off. But in fact it feels like they’ve only gotten worse into my system, my arms feel like weights now. I couldn’t move them if I put all my energy into it.

“River, look at me.” her damned hand moves my head back around to look her dead in the eye. “I’ve always imagined you’d keep eye contact with me, it makes it more romantic.” Nothing could make this romantic. I would spit the thought at her if I could manage to speak; the lump in my throat making it hard to utter much of anything.

The heaviness in my muscles has gotten so bad now that I can’t manage the energy to turn my head anymore. I’m forced to keep my eyes facing her as she attempts to slide that god forsaken thing inside of me. Pain intensified by the effects of the medicine reaches me tenfold as she pushes further. With one quick thrust of her hips, the rest of it forces itself inside with a jolt of pain.

Involuntarily, I let out a gasp and a small sound of discomfort. I start to curse my body for showing weakness to her. Even if I’m weak enough to let her do this, I still have a strong enough mind to keep my dignity intact. She doesn’t deserve to know what her efforts are doing to me.

“I’m sorry, it’s just like that at first. It won’t hurt as much after, I promise.” She tries to kiss me again and I make a point of keeping my body frozen. If I can’t move away, then I just won’t reciprocate.

She presses her body closer to me, her skin suddenly completely flush against mine and again I let out an involuntary noise of pure distaste. She moves to my neck again, kissing and nibbling on the flesh and I try to squeeze my eyes shut in an attempt to block out the experience. But just like when I was younger, I won’t be able to push this out of my mind; no matter how hard I try.

“River… Please look at me.” she starts to pant a bit and reluctantly I crack my eyes open again. I see her eyes hovering over mine, with this adoring look directed right at me. This is supposed to be romantic and to her we’re making love. But I can’t stand looking at that loving look in her eyes. Unlike her, I know this is all an illusion and we would never be here like this if it weren’t for her forcing the whole thing along. Knowing that makes me sick to my stomach.

She forces another kiss onto me, making sure that I keep my eyes open the entire time she pushes inside of me. She sees it as intimate and romantic but I only see it as making me see the pain I’m having to endure right now.

Her breathing starts to become irregular and the longer it goes on, the more speed she picks up. And I have to watch the whole thing unravel. She kisses my neck and jaw a few more odd times, kissing me on the lips one last time before her efforts nearly double. At this point, she’s starting to thrust at a painful speed and all I can wish for is for it to be over soon.

A few more minutes pass before finally my wish is granted. She lets out a loud moan, pushing against me in one last thrust. A long stream of moans leave her as she rides out the orgasm and after a minute or so, I’m blessed with stillness. I try to sniffle back the tears as she pulls the dreaded tool of her torment away from my body. She lays it on the bed beside us and presses a kiss to my forehead. “River, I know you’re upset now. But this will get better for us. One day, I’ll rekindle what you felt for me and then it’ll feel good for you too. Please don’t be upset with me, I just want to fix things.” she caresses my cheek again and I can’t manage to respond in any way; as if she suddenly drained my spirit with what she just did.

“I love you, River.” she kisses my cheek and the statement mixed with her action brings the tears back. It’s bad enough that she had to do this to me, but she did it because in a way, she was punishing Ellie and I both. She took back what Ellie had ‘stolen’ from her. She stands up and gets dressed, as soon as the door shuts behind her, the tears finally overflow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It feels like at least four days have gone by, maybe even a week. But I’ve since lost all sense of time. Each morning she’s woken me up with a kiss on the cheek and each night she’s left me staring at the ceiling; unable to sleep because the sting of her violating me riddles my entire being.

Every time she wants to have sex, she gets exactly what she wants and I’m forced to remain still and quiet for the entire thing. The second time she tried, I hadn’t been drugged. But I had ruined that privilege when I smacked her and tried to get free, I was then drugged every time she wanted something from me from that point on.

I stare up at the ceiling as she goes through her usual rhythms. When she’s done, she tries to kiss me. But like usual, I’m too drugged and attempting to push the experience away to even notice she had kissed me. “The least you could do is kiss back, River. Would it kill you to at least try to make things work?” I pull my gaze away from the ceiling to stare back at her. I don’t offer a reply, my voice is usually strained when she drugs me anyways.

“I’m trying to get through to you but you won’t even try, why is this so difficult?” she moves off of me to sit beside me.

“M-maybe if you wouldn’t drug me…” the attempt at a snide remark is cut short when my voice starts to crack. “You wouldn’t let me touch you otherwise, maybe in a while… if you promise not to hit me again.” This time I offer her nothing more than a silent glare and she gets up with a frustrated growl; throwing her clothes on quickly.

“Fine, I’ll just go take my frustration out on your mistress. Maybe you’ll come to your senses when I get back.”

“No… Please.” I try to sit up, quickly pulled back down when the world spins. She leaves the room before I can grab her attention again and I sink back into the mattress, the tears already falling from my eyes. Every time something goes wrong with me, she hurts Ellie. For however long we’ve been here, I’ve had to listen to the echoes of Ellie’s pain seep up from downstairs; every single time I screw it up for her. It breaks my heart into a thousand pieces knowing that I’m the reason the girl I love is being tortured. Just like with Chloe, I try to zone out of the experience; only temporarily forgetting everything that goes on. Thankfully Chloe’s drugs are good for that. They serve one good purpose, to dull the pain.

 

. ☀Ellie☀

I wake up in the dark, like each day before. Whenever Chloe isn’t here, I’m left utterly isolated from everything; Even light. The subtle sound of the headboard hitting the wall above me is the sound that woke me from my uncomfortable sleep. I’ve heard it every night since I woke up in this basement, most of the time I’ll hear it at least once in the morning like this too. It’s surprisingly easy to hear, the walls and the floor above me do little to muffle the noises. I always hear it when it happens, the rocking of the bed, the moaning, I’m forced to hear it all; so far, it’s the worst thing Chloe has done to me. The psychological pain I have to endure each time I hear her doing that to River, it’s usually worse than what she does to me physically. I never hear two voices when it happens, leading me to believe River doesn’t particularly like it. But regardless, it feels like a stab in the heart each time. I still can’t tell whether or not River lets her do it and I’m not sure I want to know. It would crush me either way.

The thumping increases in speed and volume and I try desperately to block out the noises. The first time I heard it, I had tried to cover my ears; only to have pain shoot through both my arm and hand. Now I just stare at the ground that I can just barely see in this darkness.

I hadn’t even known that River was here until I had heard that. I haven’t heard or seen any other signs of River but I know it couldn’t be anyone else Chloe would be having sex with. I know now what it is she blames me for: taking River from her. Sometime when I was left in the dark I had figured it out and the first time I heard them, it just solidified the idea.

I know that she had gotten River here the same night I had been dragged into this hell. I remember vividly now what she had done the night she invaded my home. My head still aches from how hard she had hit me with that gun. Each day I wake up, it gets a bit worse and I fear that it’ll kill me if I don’t get to a doctor soon. But the head injury is the least of my worries at this point, each day Chloe inflicts a different wound on me and I know my body can only hold out so long.

The way she goes about it though is what stays in my thoughts when she’s gone and River isn’t on my mind. It's a rare occasion, but I do think about it sometimes. She’s never drawn any blood, never burnt me, never done anything that would leave a mark on my body. It’s like she doesn’t want me to have scars. There’s something symbolic behind her reasoning, I’ve just yet to figure it out.

Even if she doesn’t leave a mark, she still has an effect on every part of my body. Broken bones seem to be a favorite of hers, she’s broken each finger on my right hand, the one she hadn’t crushed with the weight; everything but the thumb has been snapped. She did them one at a time, most of them a day apart. But she quickly ran out of fingers to break and now she prefers to throw me down and set bricks on me until I feel like my chest is going to cave in. She’s only done that for two days but already it's taking a huge toll on my body. When she’s done with River, I know she’ll come down here and I dread what she’ll do.

Now that I think about River, I realize that the thumping has gotten louder and faster still. Now that I’m reminded of it, I find it hard to block out the noise again. But thankfully it doesn’t go on much longer. Chloe lets out a loud, breathy moan; signaling that I won’t have to hear it any longer. She spews a few cuss words before finally the noises slow enough to where I can’t hear them.

I try to shift my position against the wall, finding it painful to move much at all. Breathing even hurts now thanks to her new brick idea. I manage to huddle up in the corner that I’ve claimed as my resting spot. Gradually I start to hear them talking, their muffled voices just barely making it through the floorboards. They’re too muffled to hear, but the tones sound upset. They seem to argue for a minute or so before Chloe ends the conversation by shutting the door.

Soon her footsteps are coming down the steps and I shrink against the wall the closer she gets. She opens the door, switching the small light on as she enters. She shuts the door before turning to glare at me. She’s silent for at least two minutes before she lets out a growl, picks up that wooden slab she used to break my arm, and throws it at the wall. It makes impact right next to me, splintering instantly and the base pops loose. I shrink closer to the corner of the wall, trying so desperately to just hide away from her.

“I don’t understand.” she says at last. I don’t offer a reply, she hasn’t given me water since yesterday morning and already my throat is too dry to really try to speak. I’ve given up on speaking days ago anyways. I only speak when she specifically orders me to.

“I’ve been trying so hard, but still you’re ruining things. You’re completely battered and defeated and yet you still get in the way.” She growls again, moving to hover over me. She gives me one swift kick in the ribs before kneeling down infront of me.

“I’m convinced you’re some kind of witch. She still doesn’t remember how much she loved me and I know it’s all your doing.” I remain silent, trying to cower away from her like a small animal. She continues once she realizes I’m behaving the way she wants. “Even when we make love, she won’t kiss me. She still thinks she belongs to you.”

Hearing her talk about that hurts almost as much as having to hear the act itself. She hasn’t brought it up until now, but I knew she would eventually use it against me. She’s been finding ways to hurt me mentally lately.

She cracks a small smile at my expression. “I bet you miss that, don’t you? How does it feel knowing I’m taking her body back?” I let the pain show on my face, knowing it’s the only answer she needs from me. She chuckles lightly at my pain, murmuring a quiet, “Good.”

Gradually her expression changes as she thinks it over and instantly I know she’s coming up with another plan to hurt me.

“Do you remember what she tastes like?” she leans in closer, daring me to speak. I try not to answer, knowing that my natural instinct to speak out could end up hurting me more than what she originally has planned.

“Go on, I know what you did. You took her from me, body and all. Don’t try to act like you didn’t. Answer me. Do you remember what she tastes like?” now that I know I’m being ordered to reply, I try to plan it out carefully. If I say yes, she’ll surely be mad at that, but if I say no she’ll hit me for lying.

Slowly I nod my head and it seems to be the right answer. A sinister smirk appears on her lips. She moves from her crouching position to rest on her knees and suddenly she’s reaching her hand inside her yoga pants. I try not to focus on her as she does it, knowing she’ll probably strike me for the littlest of things. She pulls her hand back out after a minute and scoots closer to me, offering the hand to me. She pushes it to my mouth until I can feel the wetness touch my lips. Repulsed by it, I move my head away before I can stop myself and she slaps me; as I knew she would. “Do it.” is the only order she has to give me before I reluctantly open my mouth.

She forces her fingers inside of my mouth, making sure that I taste it. “Can you taste her?” she pulls her hand away from my mouth and again I nod slowly. She smiles, clearly pleased by my answer and I hold back the urge to let out a sigh of relief.

“Get up.” I try to obey the small order. But she stabbed into the sides of my ankles with the hunting knife days ago to make sure I couldn’t walk far if I ever got out, shortly after, cauterizing it with the same knife and a lighter. Now that I think of it, it’s the only time she’s ever done that; the only scars I’ll have if I live through this.

When I try to stagger to my feet she drags me away from the wall and tosses me down onto the blanket that she was kind enough to give me as a bed. “You know what, you wanted to take her from me so bad…” She pulls her pants down, dragging a pink thong down with them. I try to move away, dreading what she has in mind more than anything she’s ever done to me before. “... Then you can lick her off of me.” she finishes the statement, moving to hover over my face. I stare up at her, praying that she won’t really make me go through with it.

“Please, don’t make me…”

“Do it.” She cuts me off with that hissing order and yanks on my hair until my face comes in contact with her skin. After a moment of hesitation, I do as she says; knowing there’s no other choice. For a minute I lick in a steady rhythm until my already hurting lungs demand that I stop for air.

As soon as I pull away, she yanks on my hair again; pulling me back to her. “I didn’t say you could stop to breathe.” I’m forced to go back to my actions. A few minutes go by and I try not to complain, until my lungs start to burn. Breathing through my nose seems to give me little air partly because it’s pressed up against her skin and partly because my lungs have been taking damage for the past two days.

After a few more minutes, she pinches my nose with her fingers. “You don’t deserve to breathe, you’ve done nothing but ruin things. Now you’re going to take back what you’ve done.” she pushes herself closer and I try to double my efforts; hoping that if I make her cum, she’ll let me breathe.

She starts to shake as soon as I start trying harder and before I can process anything, she presses herself even closer. It gets to the point where it starts to hurt but I don’t try to pull away, she definitely wouldn’t let me breathe then. Her shallow breathing turns into moaning and much like I do when this happens upstairs, I try to block out the noises; keeping myself busy by doubling my efforts yet again. She lets out a sharp moan when I do so, pushing against me and I let out a groan of pain as my head hits the cold floor of the basement. Much to my relief, it isn’t enough to do anything more than bring back my headaches.

Suddenly her whole body leans forward, her moans picking up in volume and in an effort to get it over with, I try to move my tongue faster. She cums without much of a warning, letting go of my nose and I accept the action gratefully; inhaling as much air as I can manage. Her orgasm thankfully doesn’t last half as long as it does when she’s with River and she gets off of me as soon as it’s over. I take in a few short breaths, thanking god that I can breathe again; even if it hurts twice as much now to do so.

She pulls her yoga pants back on and leaves the room. For a second, I start to think that she’s going to leave me alone for the day. But I’m not that lucky and she comes back a minute later with my dog bowls in her hand. She sets down the bowls before moving to help me get in a better position and instantly I start to worry about the kind gesture, she usually leaves me to fend for myself. She dumps a can of cat food in one bowl before speaking.

“I suppose you’ve earned your rations for the day.” she mutters and I know by now what she expects from me. “T-thank you.” I move to hover over the bowl, making sure to not eat until she’s filled the other bowl with water. She doesn’t say anything and I look up at her worriedly. For once her expression isn’t cold, it almost looks caring, compassionate. As if she might regret what she’s doing. “Go ahead, I’ll be back in a few hours.” She grumbles after a minute and at that I move to eat out of the dog bowl. When she stands she leaves the room without stepping on my back or pushing my head into the food. She leaves without hurting me and that mixed with how she helped me up makes me start to fear that her small acts of kindness is some kind of sign something is going to backfire in my face.

Chapter 20 “Forgiving and forgetting

 

☯River☯

When she left I had fully prepared to block out any noises I heard and for a few minutes, I manage to zone out. I vaguely hear her opening the door to the basement and after that I don’t hear much else. Gradually I do start to hear some faint noise and instantly I try to block it out, assuming Ellie’s misery has started.

But as the noise grows louder, I realize it’s not a sound of misery. It’s a soft moan of pleasure. Confused, I try to sit up and listen in on whatever it may be. It takes me a minute to get pass the drugs but finally I move into a position that allows me close enough to the noise to hear more clearly. As I thought before, they aren’t a stream of agonizing screams. They’re quiet moans and when they leave the girl’s mouth, they sound nothing like she’s in pain. Instantly, I recognize the moans that I usually hear faintly over me, I’m usually too distant to recognize them as sounds but now all I can do is focus on it. Chloe isn’t hurting Ellie, at least not physically.

She’s doing the same thing to her that she does to me. The realization hits me like a granite wall, I let out a small gasp as I feel my chest tighten. Why is she doing that? It doesn’t make any sense, she can’t stand the idea of Ellie; she wouldn’t be forcing sex onto her like she does with me.

I gradually force my limbs to leave the bed, ending up on the wooden floor on all fours. I collapse onto the floor after a minute, unable to hold my body weight up until the drugs wear off a bit more. For now, I have no other choice to lay here until it does. I take advantage of that, turning my head to press my ear against the floor. I’m greeted with more sounds of Chloe’s pleasure and I move my ear away immediately, like it burnt me.

My assumption was right, but I still don’t understand why.

I have no choice but to lay here and listen to it carry on until Chloe lets out a few more moans and then it stops abruptly; much to my relief. She stays down there for a few more minutes, talks to Ellie, probably feeding her. And then I hear the metal door close and Chloe walks back up the stairs. She doesn’t head immediately for my room, instead she goes to the bathroom across the hall and I hear the shower start a minute later.

She doesn’t come back for hours, she showered, wandered around the house, and at some point she even left for a while. In all the time she was gone, the drug had finally worn off and I had managed to stand. I rush to pull on the set of clothes she left for me in the loveseat. As I pull the shirt down over my head, I hear her come back into the house, slamming the front door shut. I sit down on the edge of the bed as she makes her way down the hall. I manage to take a sip of water from the glass on the nightstand before she reaches the door. I set down the glass and stare at the door, waiting for her to open it. For at least a minute, she doesn’t; she just hovers near the door.

Finally, the door creaks open and I glare at her as hard as I can manage as soon as her eyes meet mine. “Why did you do that?” I growl at her as she shuts and locks the door behind her. “Do what, sweetie?”

“You know exactly what, I heard you. How could you do that to her? What happened to focusing on us, weren’t you trying to fix things?” I use her own illusion of our relationship against her and she frowns, moving to stare at her feet.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to upset you, really. But I had to.” She steps closer, trying to reach out for my hand but I pull away. “Why? Was I not enough for you? You had to use her too?”

“No, that’s not it. I would have been content with having you. But I saw how you two used to be, I could see it in her eyes. I had to take it away. I made things right with you, but she was still there. I had to balance it out.” her explanation sends a shiver of anger down my spine, but somehow I knew it would. I knew whatever excuse she used to abuse Ellie like that would infuriate me.

“So because you’ve had sex with her now we’re even somehow? You’re really going to stand here and use that as an excuse for what you did?” I stand up and almost move to push on her shoulders, but I stop myself just in time. I know very well by now any violence I direct towards her comes back to Ellie.

“It’s not about getting even, I had to right the wrongs you two did. I didn’t want to do it, but it was necessary to fixing our relationship.” a small part of me still wants to speak out against her claims, but I know that telling her the relationship she thinks we have isn’t real, then she’ll only take it out on Ellie more. It’s been less than a week but already I’m adapting to the rules of the insane world she has us trapped in.

I’m still hoping somehow I can use that to my advantage. “Alright… I understand.” I mutter with defeat, usually I would make a point to not show weakness but I’m trying to adapt in hopes I can trick her.

“That’s good, that means we’ll be okay. I’m sorry it had to be like this, but you have to know your part in all this too.” she does this every time we talk, she tries to make me feel bad for what she thinks I did. For now, I’ll play along, but she’ll never find a way to really get through my head. She’s never going to make me believe the story she believes.

“I understand that too.” I try to sound convincing but I can’t manage to force myself to apologize, I’ve done nothing wrong afterall.

“I’m glad you’re finally seeing my side.” She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me lightly, trying hard not to force it like she has before. I know by that kiss that having sex with Ellie wasn’t the only thing she changed in her plan to get me back. She’s up to something.

“I think I realized something else when I was down there with her. I’m going about this all wrong, I know that now. But I’m still going to try to fix things.” the loving smile that she usually makes a point to keep around me suddenly falters and a serious expression falls onto her features. “I think that I can… forgive you now. In the back of my mind I guess I never really forgave you for what you did, but now that everything is balanced; we can move on. I can be kinder… maybe one day even to the both of you.”

For the first time since all of this happened, her words actually manage to restore some of the hope my spirit had lost. “Really?”

“I don’t want you to see me as a monster, I’m not. I’ve just had to resort to... drastic measures in order to sew us back together. But that’s over now, I’m hoping now that it’s done you can see me like you use to. Once upon a time you use to think very highly of me, you know.”

“I know.” I grumble, trying not to spit out something about how that was before she went off the deep end.

“Good, you’re getting better. Back to your old self. I’m going to make us dinner, I went out to the market and got fresh vegetables. I’ll let you eat at the table with me if you promise you’ll be good.” it sounds like something you would say to a child and I have to bite my tongue to keep from hissing an insult at her. “That sounds fun.” I mutter instead.

She leaves me with a kiss on the cheek and as soon as the door closes, I collapse back onto the bed. Tears stream down my cheeks once the effect of it all hits me. What she’s doing is horrible. Maybe one day I could forgive her if it were only me in the picture. But what she does to Ellie somehow manages to affect me a thousand times more than when she rapes me. Even now I find it hard to believe that I could think like that, ever since my uncle, I thought that there was nothing worse that you could do to me. But I hadn’t thought about someone hurting the girl that has taken care of me and managed to put me back together ever since we were kids.

It feels like she’s taking my angel from me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 21 “A Family By Force”

 

It’s been at least two months living under Chloe’s control. I find it completely mind blowing that she can leave the house every single day and seem so normal to the outside world, while in fact she has two girls that she tortures daily locked away in an abandoned house. It makes me wonder how long she’ll do this. If she’ll eventually kill us and bury us out back. If she’ll stumble across some other unsuspecting soul, fall in love with them and repeat the process. If she’ll do this for years until the cops finally catch her, like you see on the news; she could go down in history just like all the other serial killers before her.

“Honey, what have I told you about the table scraps?” I adjust the ropes that bind me to the table to look back up at her fearfully. “I just thought she could use a little more food.” I glance down at Ellie sadly, silently apologizing for being caught feeding her.

I remember clearly the first time Chloe had allowed me to see her, it had been a little less than a month after we ended up here. Actually seeing her in that state shattered what was left of my spirit. She had been easily overpowered, submitting to Chloe like a dog to it’s master. I couldn’t prevent myself from acting out of Chloe’s set character. I sat down beside her and pulled her into my arms, rocking her back and forth like a baby. There was so much I wanted to say to her but Chloe had pulled her out of my arms before I could do so. She effortlessly picked her up, something that she wouldn’t have been able to do when we were still in school. Chloe has gotten a lot stronger; all the while Ellie has gotten weaker, smaller.

Over a month we’ve been living like this. Chloe has long since giving up her days hurting Ellie, she hasn’t tortured her like she use to since that day she violated her. If something goes wrong she simply smacks her and it’s enough to order the brainwashed girl into doing whatever Chloe wants. She treats Ellie like an animal, she has two dog bowls at the end of our table that Ellie eats out of without argument. I don’t know what the extent of Ellie’s injuries where but now she can only seem to crawl around on her knees. Occasionally she’ll go on all fours but one of her arms is bent at an odd angle and her left hand is so crushed it makes maneuvering around difficult. But she’s made do and now she’s actually gotten used to moving around like that. It still breaks my heart every time I see how handicapped she looks but I’m forced to hide my emotions.

I have to stay in character at all times. If I’m not acting like the River Chloe wants to see, then she gets furious. And she can’t take it out on her ‘lover’. So every time I act out, she takes it out on Ellie; dragging her to the basement and violating her just like she does to me every night.

So I’ve learned to stay in character to protect her. But as for Ellie, I don’t think she even has to act. Most of the time she looks 100% convinced that she’s the animal that Chloe treats her as.

“She can’t have anything other than the food I give her, she has to stay on a strict diet until she’s healed. I thought you understood this.” Chloe’s voice gradually pulls me back out of my thoughts and I look away from the girl huddled at my feet to look up at the one sitting across from me. “Yes, dear. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Just make sure you don’t feed anything out of her diet, I don’t want it to interfere with her medicine or anything. I’m not a doctor, you know. We have to be careful.” I nod silently when she finishes and her smile reappears. We finish the rest of the meal in silence.

After she does the dishes she unties my ropes and moves me to the couch, tying my hands together and then tying the rope around my neck to a metal bar she set up by the couch. “What do you wanna watch?” She smiles at me brightly as she bends down so her eyes are level with mine. “Anything you want.” I try to smile back at her, even though it disgusts my whole body to do so.

“Okay.” She puts in a movie and sits down beside me as it starts. Like every time before, I never really focus on the movie. I look around the room absentmindedly, then glance over in the kitchen and spot Ellie still tied to the table. She licks a bit of her food off of her crushed hand gingerly before looking up. Our eyes meet and she stares back at me with no clear expression showing on her face. It hurts seeing her like that, so completely brainwashed that she just sits there like any loyal dog would.

“Chloe, are you going to let Ellie in here?” I turn my gaze on Chloe and a small, quick spark of anger shines in her eyes; making me regret saying anything in fear of what it will do to Ellie later on.

“You’re right, I forgot about her. Thank you for reminding me.” much to my relief she doesn’t seem too upset and she moves off the couch after kissing my cheek. She unties Ellie from the table, hooking a leash onto her collar and bringing her into the living room.

Ellie sits carefully on the floor, making sure not to upset Chloe by getting on the couch. “Here, I trust you. You can hold the leash. I need to use the bathroom real quick.” she puts the leash in my hand and I stare down at it, baffled that I’m actually getting good enough at this to allow her to trust me.

When she leaves the room, I move to hover over Ellie, looking down at her with admiration. She may seem weak and defeated, but to me she’s so strong for being able to adapt to this so quickly. I start to play with her hair, not knowing what else to do. She looks up at me with a sudden smile on her face, she always seems to do that when it’s me that’s interacting with her. Honestly who could blame her for being more comfortable with me than Chloe?

“How are you feeling?” I find myself asking. Her smile widens and she uses her nose to nudge the hand currently playing with her hair. I don’t know why I expected a verbal answer, I haven’t heard her voice in so long.

“I’m glad you’re okay.” I run my thumb across her cheek and move to kiss her forehead. She moves to bump her nose against mine, trying her best to communicate back. She somehow brings back the ghost of the smile I thought I lost months ago.

I hear the door to the bathroom open and move away from Ellie a bit, just to make sure there’s nothing Chloe can get upset about. I keep playing with her hair though, almost forgetting what I’m doing. I pull my hand back and move to sit in the position I was in before just as Chloe comes back.

She smiles at me brightly and sits beside me again. To my surprise, she pats Ellie’s head before settling into the couch. She watches the movie for a few minutes and nothing much more happens. Until Ellie shifts her position a bit and then Chloe does something I didn’t think she would do.

“Come here, Ellie.” She pats the empty seat beside her and allows Ellie to carefully crawl up on the couch. “I thought you didn’t like having her on the couch.” I mutter with confusion and she turns her Cheerleader smile back on me.

“I think she’s earned it. The longer she behaves, the more privileges she gets. Right, Ellie?” she moves to scruff up Ellie’s hair and the girl nods cautiously. I put on a fake smile, a touch of sincerity behind it. I’m glad she’s finally stopped treating Ellie so badly. Maybe one day Ellie will earn a higher ranking than the “family pet”.

The rest of the movie goes on in a relatively uneventful manner. When it’s done, Chloe unties me from the pipe and surprisingly unties the rope from my neck as well. She gingerly takes Ellie’s leash from my hands before grabbing onto my wrist. “Come on. You can take her down to the the basement if you want.” she tugs on my arm lightly, waiting for me to accept the offer and I do almost instantly.

Ellie tries to keep up but her pace is always slower than ours and it brings out my natural instinct to care for her; I would carry her if I were allowed to. We get to the first door that leads to the basement and Chloe opens it, taking off Ellie’s leash and then stepping back; allowing me to take her place, something she usually doesn’t do.
Carefully, I pick Ellie up after a moment of waiting for her to catch her breath again. She allows me to pick her up without any protests and she doesn’t seem as stiff as when Chloe picks her up. I carry her down the steps, open the metal door, and place her on her makeshift bed of wadded up blankets. I can hear Chloe clearly at the top of the steps, making sure I don’t do anything out of character even when she can’t see me.

Ellie settles into the blankets, sitting with her ankles carefully positioned so she doesn’t further her injuries. She watches me thoughtfully, waiting for me to do something. Usually Chloe just leaves her down here, never saying anything to her and then leaving without a second though. But with this change, Ellie studies me, waiting for something new to accompany this new routine. I reach out after a moment to play with her hair.

“Goodnight, sweetheart.” I want to reassure her that we’ll get out of this, now that I have a moment alone with her. But I can’t manage to utter anything other than the goodnight, because reassurance at this point could be a cruel lie. She nudges my hand with her nose again after I say it and it’s probably the closest thing I’ll get to her saying something back.

I haven’t heard her speak at all since I was allowed to see her, the only noise she uttered when I first saw her was a small sob when I finally got the chance to hold her. But since then, she hasn’t said a single thing and it worries me so much. I don’t know if it’s because she no longer has the ability to speak, or if she simply chooses not to.

“Ellie…” I press my forehead to hers, trying to come up with something to say. “I still love you.” after a moment of thought, I find that those words are the only thing I want her to know.

She lets out a small whimper and moves to hug me to the best of her ability. This overwhelming need to just hug her and never let her go washes over me and involuntarily I hug her back before I can stop myself, probably hugging a little too tightly. I try to soften my grip on her after a second, trying to be as gentle with her as I can manage. She sniffles, a few stray tears falling onto my neck. I start rubbing her shoulder blade in a small effort to comfort her. She tries to speak, her voice quiet and strained from lack of use. I give her the time to form the words, waiting impatiently to hear her voice again. I need to hear it, just this once before Chloe invades my life again.

“I… l-love.. you, too.” she manages to get the words out at last, clearing her throat after finally using her voice for the first time in over a month. Hearing her say that suddenly sends a wave of emotions over me and I barely manage to choke back a sob so Chloe doesn’t hear. I tighten the hug a bit moving to kiss her shoulder.

“River, come on. It’s time to go to bed.” I dread what’s in store for me as soon as I hear Chloe say that from the top of the stairs. But just this once, I won’t let it affect me. Because I’ll have this moment to hang onto when it happens.

I force myself to break the hug, not wanting to leave her. I kiss her on the cheek, lingering there for a second before I drag myself back up the stairs. Chloe’s suspecting glare meets me at the top of the stairs.

“What happened?” that angry flare of jealousy sparks in her eyes again and I know now that I have to extinguish it, for Ellie’s sake.

“Nothing, sweetie. I was just saying goodnight to her.”

She smiles after a minute of assessing me and I sigh with relief at knowing she believes my character. “Okay, let’s go to bed, baby.” She kisses me on the nose before dragging me back to that dreaded bedroom she calls "ours".

Chapter 22, "Birthday Miracles"

I wake up to the familiar sensation of Chloe nibbling on my neck. I crack my eyes open, dreading the morning routine just like every morning before. “Happy birthday, baby.” she smiles as soon as I open my eyes fully and look over at her. “B-birthday?” had we really been here that long? Have we seriously spent almost the whole summer trapped in this house like this?

“Yes, today’s the 24th of July. How could you forget your own birthday, silly?” how could anyone remember anything like that when they spend their days being raped and held captive in an abandoned house?

“I don’t know, I guess I just lost track of time.” I plaster on that fake smile like every day before and it seems to keep her happy. “Well, now that you know it is your birthday, I had a few things planned for today. I already made you your favorite breakfast and you get to eat in bed today. How’s that sound?” She gives me that expecting look, the one that always says to play along or else.

“That sounds great.” her smile somehow manages to widen at my words and she gets up, hurrying to get the food after giving me a quick kiss on the cheek. At least on my birthday I get to skip the morning 'sex'. Most other people would love to have it the other way around but the idea of sex has honestly become a dreaded task, much like you would expect it to be when it’s forced. If I ever get out of this mess alive, I doubt sex will ever be the same. Unless it’s with Ellie. If we somehow manage to heal after this hell we’re being dragged through.

Chloe comes back with a tray of food in hand. The plate containing scrambled eggs with cheese and ham in it and two slices of bacon on the side. It’s creepy how she knows exactly what I would want for a birthday breakfast, down to how much orange juice I need in my cup. If it were Ellie, I probably wouldn’t find it concerning at all. But since it’s Chloe, it only worries me because I never told her such details and unlike Ellie, she hasn’t been in my life long enough to know things like that. But somehow she does.

“Here you go, one delicious breakfast at your service.” She sets the tray of food in my lap and I start eating as soon as I can, knowing it would seem weird to her if I didn’t eat like the River she knows would eat. She sits at my side and waits patiently for me to finish my meal. I find myself eating slower than I usually do, too lost in thought to stay in character. All I can think about is what my birthday means.

“Is everything okay, River? Did I overcook something?” that dreadfully sweet voice pulls me out of my thoughts and I snap back into character.

“No, it’s amazing. I was just… thinking.” I hadn’t meant to voice that last sentence, but I’ve become accustomed to saying what’s on my mind or deal with her jealous thoughts. I just have to approach everything carefully.

“About what, sweetie? It’s your birthday, aren’t you in a good mood?” I find myself nodding as soon as she asks, making sure to keep in character.

“It’s just… Ellie’s birthday is four days after mine.” I voice my thoughts quietly, hoping it doesn’t upset her to hear about the one person she doesn’t even consider a person anymore.

“Oh, of course. I can get her a small cake I suppose when the time comes, maybe some kind of dog toy.”

“You mean you actually want to celebrate her birthday?” I stop eating to look up at her with surprise. It feels like a trap.

“If it makes you happy, baby. Consider it a late birthday present. But today we’re going to focus on you, okay? We’ll do whatever you want.” I know without her having to say it that ‘whatever I want’ has strict limits to it, I still won’t be going outside anytime soon. But I don’t care, as long as she’s being nice to Ellie too.

“Okay.” I smile back at her, forcing myself to kiss her cheek. I’ll stay in character even more today if it means I’m getting Ellie quite literally out of the dog house. She accepts the kiss with surprise, her smile widening again.

“Finish your breakfast, birthday girl. I’ll be back in a little bit.” she pats my knee and leaves as quickly as the words are spoken. I eat my meal cautiously after that, listening for some sign of her somewhere else in the house. More specifically, I listen in worry to make sure she’s not in the basement. But to my relief, I can hear her rummaging around in the closet at the end of the hall. So I finish my meal in peace, content that she’s not out to get Ellie today.

A few minutes after I’m done, she comes back with my clothes for the day bundled up in her hands. I get up and set the tray on the dresser at the end of the bed before turning to her and waiting for her to lead the way to the bathroom like she does every morning. She stops at the door and lets me walk in alone, something she hasn’t done before.

“You can take a shower by yourself this morning, can’t you? I have a small birthday idea that I need to get ready for you.” I agree to that a little too quickly for her liking and I can only hope it doesn’t upset her. She hands me my clothes and walks away with that smile thankfully still in place. I shut the door and take a shower on my own for the first time in months.

A nock hits the door lightly as I get out. “Are you almost done?” Chloe’s voice rings out on the other side as I towel myself off. “Yeah, just let me get dressed.” I make sure to keep my voice extra cheery and it seems to do good, she goes silent after that.

I make sure not to take too long getting ready and open the door to see her waiting patiently on the other side. She grabs my arm and tugs me energetically down the hall and to the living room.

When we get there, Ellie is sitting obediently on the couch; looking very much like the puppy Chloe treats her as. But she looks different, she’s not wearing torn or unwanted clothes that Chloe had passed down to her. She’s  wearing good clean clothes for once, similar to the ones Chloe gets me. Not only that, but she looks like she got a proper bath. Whenever she starts to get too dirty, Chloe usually just takes her out back, making sure no one knows we’re here, and hoses the poor, naked girl down in freezing water. But today she looks like she’s gotten an actual bath and her hair has been brushed. It even looks like Chloe has taken a few inches off of the girl’s overgrowing locks. Today she looks like her normal self again.

“I was thinking when you told me about Ellie’s birthday and I knew deep down that this is how you would want her to celebrate both of your birthdays. So what do you think?” I hear Chloe talking faintly as I move to stand over Ellie. She makes sure to stay in her spot on the couch and looks up at me. I play with her hair for a second and she nudges my unoccupied hand playfully. She’s back to looking like the trained girl I’ve known for the past two months and I wonder briefly if she even remembers what happened last night.

“River? I hope I didn’t upset you with any past memories, I just thought you would like to see her like this from now on.” I turn to face Chloe at last, falling back into that fake smile. But this time there’s a vague sense of realness behind it and before I know it, I find myself hugging her.

“Thank you.” is all I can manage to mutter, a small part of me is actually thankful deep down. For bringing the old Ellie back, even if it’s not completely her. It’s all I could really ask for on a birthday like this.

“You’re welcome, sweetheart. I have to go to work now, I’m trusting you two to behave today. Since it’s your birthday I won’t tie you, but you have to promise to still obey the rules. Okay?” she pulls away from the hug to look at me sternly. “Of course.” I reply almost instantly, just today, I won’t think about escape. As long as I can be with Ellie like this, I won’t go anywhere.

“That’s good. I’ll be back around noon, I have a cake to pick up for you after work. Have a good birthday, baby.” She kisses my forehead and waits patiently for the reply I know she’ll demand of me. “I will, thank you again.” I force myself to kiss her on the lips this time, making sure I’m as believable as I can be. Her smile widens to an uncomfortable looking state and she leaves us alone after that. I wait for the door to shut and wait a couple more minutes before moving from my current spot to look out the window. I’ve noticed that she never keeps her car here, she always walks to where ever she has it parked a long distance away from here. I wait until her figure falls out of my line of vision before turning back to Ellie.

She turns to watch me as I settle into the seat beside her and she brightens up when our eyes finally meet. She makes this attempt at a smile but with her cut and bruised lips, it’s slanted slightly. Something washes over me at seeing it and I can’t tell if it’s happiness at seeing her smile or pain at seeing her so broken looking. I move my left hand to caress her cheek, making sure my right hand holds onto hers for dear life. She leans into my touch and I swipe my thumb across her cheek on reflex.

I move to kiss her forehead before I realize that I should be trying to talk to her. After all, today may be my only chance to do so for god knows how long. “How are you feeling?” for some reason, my concern for her well being is the first thing that slips from my mouth. Her smile turns into one of the many expressions she’s made up over our time here, I’ve learned to read into her silence well. That’s the expression that tells me she’s okay. I let out a small sigh of relief at knowing she’s not in any pain. But it’s not the answer I was looking for, I was hoping to hear her voice again.

“You know you can talk to me now, El. She’s not here, it’s okay.” I lock eyes with her and wait, desperately hoping to hear her again. She breaks the gaze, staring down at her hands. She shakes her head slightly, disagreeing with me. “She’s not going to hurt you, it’s just us right now. Please talk to me, Ellie.” I find myself begging just to hear the slightest noise from her.

She remains silent, keeping her gaze on her hands. She massages the crushed hand carefully, as if it’ll help relieve any pain she has there. Now that I’m alone with her, I start to worry more that she doesn’t even remember talking to me last night. What if Chloe has her so brainwashed that I won’t be able to talk to her anymore?

“Do you remember what you told me last night?” I place my hand carefully on her left arm, hoping that there isn’t a small break somewhere in this arm as well as the other one. She flinches at me touch but it doesn’t seem to be because I caused her any physical pain. She nods her head slowly at my question and I brighten up instantly.

“That’s good, I thought maybe she tried to make you forget or… She didn’t do anything to you, did she?” immediately I start to worry that we had been caught somehow and Ellie had been punished without my knowledge. She shakes her head in a clear ‘no’ way and I find myself smiling. “I’m glad, I hate it when she does. I’m sorry I can’t do anything to protect you, it kills me. But I’ll get us out of this, I promise.” I run my thumb across the skin on her arm as delicately as I can manage and she glances up at me. Our eyes lock for only a few seconds before she moves her gaze to her hands again, but still I can see some kind of struggle going on in those green orbs of hers.

“What’s wrong? You can talk to me, Ellie. You know I won’t hurt you.” I rub her arm gently and try to smile encouragingly when she glances up at me again. She shakes her head in a way that says ‘This is a bad idea.’

“Why don’t you want to talk to me? Nothing happened the last time, you’re safe. It’s okay.” my reassuring seems to do little to actually reassure her and she scoots away from me slightly. I pull my hands away from her, giving her space in case I scare her off. The last thing I want to do is push too far and become another Chloe in her eyes.

A few minutes of silence passes before finally it looks like she’s trying to say something. “S-shouldn’t have…” is all I can manage to make out.

“Shouldn’t have what? You shouldn’t have talked to me? I told you it’s okay, she doesn’t know.” she shakes her head at me words.

“No, I know that… ” it leaves her barely above a whisper, her voice sounding cracked and strained.

“Hold on, I’ll get you some water.” I get up and rush to the kitchen, getting a glass of water from the sink before rushing back to the living room. I take my seat beside her again and I had almost handed her the glass. Before realizing how hard it would be for her to hold onto it, let alone bring it to her mouth. I scoot closer and bring the glass to her lips, she takes a few gulps of the water rather quickly; like she hasn’t had a decent drink in forever.

She coughs a bit after I pull the glass away and I set it on a table by the couch as she clears her throat. I wait impatiently as she starts to speak again, “I… shouldn’t have said w-what I said.” clearly I remember the only three words she had managed to say last night and suddenly the sentence she’s saying now starts to feel like a stab in the chest.

“You mean you don’t love me anymore?” somehow I feel like I’m jumping to conclusions like Chloe does all the time, but I can’t help myself. It had been such a relief to hear her still say those words after all that’s happened and now she’s sitting here saying she shouldn’t have said them.

“I do… But, I’m not supposed to. I’ll ruin things again.” As soon as she utters that last sentence, it all makes sense. Chloe has her completely convinced of the little fairytale Chloe lives in herself. Realizing it hurts more than I thought possible, because I don’t know what to do. Just like with Chloe, I don’t know how to breach this subject. I don’t know how to tell her that it’s all a lie, a fairy tale that Chloe has centered around herself and somehow now Ellie is in that world too.

“None of this is your fault, Ellie. You have to know that, okay?” she nods slowly, sniffling back a few tears. Out of old habit I reach up to brush the tears away and she glances up at me again. For a moment, it feels like it use to; before this whole mess happened. And suddenly all I want to do is kiss her, just so she knows my feelings towards her haven’t changed. Chloe can try all she wants, but she’ll never make me love the girl in front of me any less.

I lean closer, only inches apart from her. She pulls away at the last second and I realize all too late that I shouldn’t have tried to kiss her. It brought up too many memories and now she’s crying all over again.

“I’m sorry, don’t cry. Please.” I pull her in for a hug and to my surprise she hugs back without hesitation, instead of pulling away like I half expected her to. For a few minutes we stay in that hug, until her tears have stopped falling. Even after she’s stopped crying, we stay in the hug. Until her injuries make it uncomfortable for her to sit like that. So I pull away, but to my surprise she moves to curl up in my lap like a child would, burying her nose in my neck.

For at least an hour we just sit here like this, not wanting to move in fear of breaking the calmest moment we’ve had in god knows how long. After a while I start absentmindedly playing with her hair and for a long time, she doesn’t seem to mind it.

She nuzzles my neck and starts to speak again.

“I wish we could be like this… I wish you were mine.” the statement nearly brings me to tears but I bite back the sob, for her sake. I wish you still believed the truth. I move to hug her, trying to express all the emotion that I can in the small action.

“I am yours… I wish I knew how to take back everything Chloe’s made you believe.” she moves away from my neck to look at me when I say that, but the statement seems to fall on deaf ears. She doesn’t understand anymore.

I want to tell her how much I love her, I know she needs to hear it now more than ever. But I can’t bring myself to tell her. If I did, I would have to explain how everything Chloe has told her to believe is a lie. I would have to take her world apart and put it back together the way it’s supposed to be; I would have to heal her.

But deep down, I think we both know that we can’t heal unless we get out of this situation. So until I find a way to free us both from this god forsaken house, then she’ll just have to stay like this. Like a puzzle piece that Chloe had managed to shove together in the wrong order. One day, I swear to take back everything she’s done to us both.

“Can we stay like this a little longer?” Ellie moves to nuzzle my neck again and with it, I try to push Chloe to the back of my mind.

“Of course we can, as long as you want.” I know as soon as I say it, it’s a lie. Because we can’t stay here as long as we want, eventually Chloe will come back and we’ll have to come back to the horrible reality we now know. But until then, I’m fully determined to let us both escape reality; at least for a while.

Another hour or so goes by and still we don’t move. At some point, Ellie falls asleep; murmuring quietly into my neck. I can only imagine Chloe controls her world even when she’s asleep. Which is probably why she looks so worn out, I wonder when the last time she actually slept soundly was.

I carefully get up, moving her to the couch so she can sleep a little more comfortably. She sprawls out on the couch and sleeps like a child would, tossing and turning every so often. I watch her sleep for a few minutes before I’m convinced that she’ll stay asleep if I leave. I go to the bathroom quickly before going to the bedroom and grabbing a blanket from the bed. I bring it back to the living room and drape it over Ellie’s sleeping figure.

I try to maneuver myself into the spot I was sitting in before, moving her head into my lap. I was hoping it wouldn’t wake her, but unfortunately she wakes from her sleep, turning to stare up at the ceiling. Her eyes fall on me after a minute and she smiles faintly.

“Are you hungry? I can try to find some food for you.” I know it would be impossible to do without Chloe knowing I’d broken the locks she has on all the cabinets and fridge. But I’d do it, if Ellie needed me to.

“No. Don’t get us in anymore trouble.” she reaches her good hand out to boop me on the nose and for the first time in what feels like centuries, we both laugh. We settle back into this calm state after that and pretty soon she falls back to sleep. Hours go by but I can’t go to sleep like she can, I don’t want to miss a second of this; even if she’s only sleeping. It somehow still manages to bring back some of my spirit, I think a part of me is just glad she’s getting some rest. Content with just sitting here, I pass the time playing with her hair; occasionally running a hand over her skin when it’s not too painful to look at her broken state.

I lose track of the time and maybe for a while I even doze off. I don’t know how long I sleep but the sound of the front door unlocking rouses me from my sleep. I rub at my eyes before going back to playing with Ellie’s hair, like I need to do it in order to wake up better.

Before I can really wake up full enough to realize Chloe’s back, she’s standing over us; not five feet away. “Is this all you’ve been doing all day, River?” her voice finally makes me snap back into my senses and I look up at her, trying not to show my fear.

“Yeah, I just wanted to relax today.” I jump back into my character and she seems to buy it.

“Aww, you poor thing. You’ve been so stressed lately. Do you feel a little better now that you’ve had a day to relax?” She smiles that stupid smile at me and I plaster my fake smile on as she bends over to kiss my forehead.

“Yeah, it was nice.” she giggles at my reply and moves to kiss my nose.

“I’m glad, I should let you do this more often then. Come on, I have dinner. I ordered chinese food, how’s that?” I try to sound enthused, no matter what kind of meal she might have. She gets Ellie’s collar and leash and wakes her up rather roughly, simply pulling the girl out of my lap and onto the ground. I try not to break my character when a small wave of concern rushes through me. Thankfully, Ellie gets to her senses without any complaints and seemingly without any injuries. Chloe makes swift work of dragging her to the kitchen and tying her to the table before I’m forced to join them.

 

ᧅ Kathy ᧅ

Practically the whole summer has gone by since Ellie’s mom had told me what happened. She went to the police and they tried their best but they didn’t find Ellie. Or River. She doesn’t know who it was that took them and the cops don’t have any idea where to start. But I had a few ideas, in the beginning. I told them that if they wanted to find Ellie or River, they should go to Chloe. They did actually go to her house, they went to every one of her friends houses too. But they didn’t find anything that would give them any kind of clue as to where Ellie and River had disappeared to.

It keeps me up at night, not knowing what’s become of them. If they’re even still alive. Shay has nightmares about it a lot, I know she misses Ellie. They were practically sisters, Shay’s never trusted anyone like she did Ellie and I doubt it was any different for Ellie herself. It was kind of the same for River and I, she didn’t open up much but that’s one of the many things we had in common. I just wish I knew what happened to them, I wouldn’t hesitate to go after them myself if I had any clue where they were.

“Excuse me, earth to Katherine.” my superior, Bill, taps on my shoulder and pulls me away from absentmindedly pricing the canned goods. I’d been working in this grocery store since Shay and I decided we wanted our own place, but I’ve yet to really focus on the job. And I’ve yet to find the guy in charge of training me anything but annoying and pigish.

“Kathy.” I hiss, it’s probably the tenth time I’ve told him just tonight but he makes a point of calling me anything but the name I prefer.

“Whatever, hot stuff. I have a customer waiting for a cake she ordered and you’re not doing anything useful. So get your ass over there and learn how to hand out deliveries.” I set down the can in my hand and the pricer, trying my best not to hit him with either one as I start to walk to the bakery counter. “And it wouldn’t kill you to have some manners next time.” he shouts after me but I try to ignore him for the sake of keeping my job. I get behind the counter and ask the girl what cake she ordered without even looking at her.

“It was just a simple birthday cake, honestly I could have just picked one up easier at Food Lion.” Normally I wouldn’t pay any attention to the rude tone in her voice. But I know that rude, bitchy tone all too well. I finally look up from the line up of cakes to come face to face with none other than Chloe. She smirks at the expression on my face.

“Nice to see you again, it’s been a while. How’s your little girlfriend?” every word that leaves her is riddled with this snarky tone.

“She’s fine, how’s your nose?” I shoot back, reminding her of the beating I gave her. She moves her hand over her nose self consciously and I smile with satisfaction. She goes silent and I look through the cakes for the one with her name printed on the cardboard box.

“I heard you two have an apartment together now. Are you planning on getting married and having kids next?” she tries to keep her tone casual but anyone could pick up the distaste clearly woven into her voice.

“We’re not really the type to have kids but I have been thinking of proposing, if you must know.” I make a point to ignore her tone and answer her as if she were someone who would actually be nice enough to start up a conversation like that. I refuse to give her the satisfation of getting to me.

“How cute, don’t forget to invite me to the wedding, Butchy.” after that, I decide it’s probably better to ignore her. Shay’s not here to pull me back and clearly she didn’t learn from the last time I kicked her ass. I find her cake and set it on the counter.

“That’ll be $22.35” I grumble and she starts rummaging through her purse. “Who’s the cake for anyway? Are you celebrating your own birthday cause no one else would?” She looks up briefly to glare at me and I glare right back. I can still see the fear in her eyes and she quickly moves her gaze back down to her purse. “No, it’s not for me. It’s for… A friend.” that sinister smile appears on her lips when she utters the word ‘friend’ but I decide it’s better not to get involved. She could have some kind of cruel message written on that cake and an even crueler prank in plan, but as long as I’m not involved somehow I’m not going to question it.

She hands me over her credit card and starts up conversation again as I take care of the cake’s expenses. “Oh, by the way. Thanks for sending cops to my house awhile back, I’m sure that was your doing.” I ignore the statement and hand her the card back. She starts to walk away but not before leaving me with one last remark.

“Shame they didn’t find them, I’m not going to be the one spending birthdays alone.” the statement sends a shiver down my spine and instantly I wonder how anyone could be so cold hearted. But I don’t really think that over for very long before I start to wonder if she really is the one behind this all. The cops say she’s innocent but I think the girl has her ways of faking it.

And the longer I think about it, the more I start to piece together the hidden riddles she had in our short conversation. The way she said the birthday cake was for a friend was just odd, she had used this strange tone and I know there was something hidden behind it. And then she brought up Ellie and River. ‘I’m not going to be the one spending birthdays alone.’

Something about that sentence just clicks in my head after she’s gone. I don’t remember clearly but I know someone had a birthday this month. I remember Shay talking about it with Ellie when we were still in school and she had brought it up a couple of days ago.

Bill comes up to me as I start walking away from the counter and I push by him when he tries to stop me from heading towards the door. I stop before I actually go outside, looking through the glass to make sure Chloe is gone before I go out there. I watch her walk away from the store as I pull out my cellphone and call Shay’s number.

She picks up on the second ring and I watch Chloe for a second before answering to her quiet “Hello”.

“Hey, I just ran into Chloe at work.”

“Baby, that’s great. But I’m late for dinner with my parents and you know I’m already on thin ice with them since we got the apartment.” I hear her rummage through our closet for a minute before she turns her attention back to me. “I already know what you’re thinking, Kathy. You know it’s not her, the cops told you themselves.”

“I know, I know. I just need you to answer something for me.”

“Alright, I’m listening.” she sighs out and I hear the faint sound of her closing a door.

“You said something about Ellie having a birthday, or maybe it was River. Which one of them was supposed to have a birthday this month?” She’s silent for a moment, probably trying to figure out what that has to do with anything.

“They both did, I think. Ellie’s is in four days and River’s is… today, if I remember correctly.” Chloe completely disappears from my sight as she answers and I leave the store, trying to catch up with her; but at the same time trying not to be seen by her.

“Babe, can I ask what this has to do with Chloe?” Shay’s voice rings out as I manage to spot Chloe again, at least a football field away.

“I think she just bought River’s birthday cake.”

Chapter 23, "The Heroine"

 “Maybe we should tell the cops or something, Kathy.” Shay mutters quietly as I follow the distant silhouette of Chloe. It takes me a second to register the voice coming out of my cell phone and it takes me a moment more to answer, fearing Chloe will hear me.

“No, They didn’t do anything last time. I’m going after her.” I whisper into the phone and slow down when Chloe starts to turn down a dimly light street. I stop in my tracks, hoping she doesn’t see me as she turns and I get lucky enough that she doesn’t decide to look around. I start walking again and Shay decides to speak up.

“You can’t be serious, Kath. Do you know how bad of an idea that is?”

“I don’t care, I know she has something to do with all of this. This could be the only chance I get to find them.” After that she lets out a sigh of defeat, knowing she can’t argue with that.

Chloe slows down and I almost don’t notice until I’m getting close enough for her to hear me. I slow down to match her pace and thankfully she still doesn’t think to turn around.

“Shay, I have to go now…”

“Wait!” she cuts me off with an overly excited voice and I wince, fearing Chloe heard it somehow. She keeps walking though, not seeming to notice.

“What?” I whisper my reply impatiently, moving to hide in the shadows that the street lights can’t reach.

“Please be careful, baby.” her voice softens with concern and I find myself smiling.

“I will. I’ll be home as soon as I can.” I hang up after she makes a point of exchanging ‘I love you’s and ‘goodbye’s. I follow behind Chloe for a few more feet before she turns to walk up someone’s driveway. I sit down on the closest bench and watch her carefully. Instantly I recognize her car but I don’t get why she left it at her friend’s house. She unlocks the car and rummages through it until she comes back out of the car with a birthday bag in her hand. She locks the car back and starts walking back to the street, for the first time she actually stops to look around at her surroundings. I turn around to face the cars passing by, hoping she doesn’t recognize me. A minute or so passes and she doesn’t come over to confront me so I turn back around and find her walking back down the street.

I get up and start following her again, thankful I don’t have to keep up with her car. But why is she keeping her car there? Wouldn’t it be easier to just drive to wherever she’s going?

She doesn’t want anyone to know where she’s going. I knew it, she’s up to something.

I follow her for a few more blocks until the rows of houses start to look more and more empty. Eventually she gets to this abandoned house. At first glance you wouldn’t know it was abandoned, there’s no overgrown plants and the house isn’t run down looking; it’s in surprisingly good shape. But you can tell just by looking at the outside of it that no one’s lived in it for at least a few years. She walks up to the front door and unlocks it, looking around briefly before stepping inside. How does she even have the keys to that house? Something’s definitely off with this girl.

Once she’s inside, I stand on the sidewalk nervously, not sure where to go from here. I sit on another nearby bench and try to come up with some kind of plan, looking behind me at the gloomy house every few minutes. The lights inside are dimmed by the boarded up windows. But one window seems to be free of any obscurities and cautiously I start walking up to it. I get to the window and stand on my toes, just barely tall enough to see inside. I find myself looking inside of a living room, fully furnished. For a second I start to wonder if someone does live in there, or if she had just gradually smuggled stuff inside. When I get a good look of the room, I don’t find anyone in there. In fact the lights are off, the only illumination coming from a room right beside the one I’m peering into.

I strain to look further into the house, trying to see the other room. The living room branches off into a kitchen of sorts. The only thing in the kitchen visible to me is a table, which Chloe is currently getting ready for a meal. She sets boxes of chinese food down before disappearing into the kitchen again. Someone else is sitting at the other end of the table but it’s too far away for me to see them.

Chloe comes back into view with what looks like a rope in her hand. She tugs on the rope lightly and whatever is on the other end walks closer, slackening the rope. My gaze follows it down until the thing tied to it waddles into view. A girl is on the other end of it, crawling on all fours and I can tell instantly it’s because she’s too hurt to walk normally.

A knot instantly balls up in my stomach as I realize that the rope is actually a leash and Chloe has the girl in a collar and tied to the leash like a fucking animal. All this time, I has suspected Chloe of something, but never in my wildest dreams had I imagined she was this sick.

A darker skinned hand appears from the end of the table that I can’t see, telling me it’s that person that’s hidden from view. Whoever it is brushes the girl’s long hair out of her eyes and I stumble back in shock when Ellie’s familiar face comes into view.

Oh my god. I was right, she was behind all of it… God, now that I know, a part of me wishes I’d never seen Ellie in such a terrible state. I wish I were wrong.

After a moment, I force myself to walk back up to the window. Ellie is now sitting obediently under the table, crawling out of the way clumsily every time Chloe’s or the other person’s legs block her path. The other person seems to have sympathy for her, sneaking her an eggroll when Chloe isn’t looking. A small part of me worries that that person is River, knowing in the back of my mind that it has to be her.

Chloe spots the hand sneaking Ellie food and hits River’s other arm, instantly going into some kind of speech. River gets up, her face finally coming into view as she grabs another eggroll from the counter. She looks terrified and I can only imagine the stuff she’s doing to protect herself and Ellie.

I have to do something.

I step away from the window, trying not to be seen as my thoughts race on what to do. After a few minutes, I know what I have to do. I just have to sneak in and get them out, easier said than done but I have to try. I sit down and lean against the wall, it’s probably better if I wait it out though.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lot of time passes and I think at some point I even fall asleep, at least two hours must go by before I see the lights flicker off out of the corner of my eye. I get up and peer inside, as I thought the house is pitch black. I start inching towards the front door, trying to remember all of the lock picking skills I had learned two years ago. Just as I get to the corner of the wall, the door swings open just before I turn the corner. I swing back around, pressing myself against the wall in hopes I can’t be seen in this lighting.

“Hi, daddy. I’m sorry I didn’t answer earlier, I was kinda busy.” Chloe’s voice rings out just as she walks into my line of view, holding a phone to her right ear.

“No, no, I was just at a house party… No, I wasn’t with a boy… I can’t really come home right now. Yes, I know I haven’t been staying at home very much. But I’m thinking of moving in with my friend… Okay, I’ll be home in a little bit.I have to walk back to Emily’s house, I left my car there.” A second after that last statement she hangs up and puts the phone back in her pocket before grumbling, “Fuck.” under her breath. She walks back inside and I hear her call out River’s name, a minute goes by before she storms back outside and starts walking down the driveway. I hold my breath as she passes me, she heads down the sidewalk without noticing me and I sigh out in relief. I might actually be able to do this.

☯River☯

After dinner and a movie, we get to stay up a little bit later than usual for my birthday before finally Chloe decides it’s time to go to bed. She brings Ellie down to the basement on her own tonight, before dragging me to the bedroom. It only takes seconds before I’m on the bed and pinned underneath her. Her phone vibrates on the nightstand and I mutter a quiet ‘thank god’ as she moves off of me to grab it.

“Shit, my dad called twice during dinner, I’m sorry, I have to answer this. I’ll be back in a few minutes to give you your birthday present.” She winks at me before disappearing out of the room, locking me inside. I flop back into the surface of the mattress, wanting nothing more than sleep right now. She walks back into the house quicker than I had expected, calling out my name and giving me no chance to fall asleep.

She unlocks the door and rushes inside, heading straight for the closet; grabbing a jacket as she starts to speak.“I have to go visit them, I’m sorry. I know I usually do that on sundays but he insisted. I’ll try to be back as quickly as I can. Half hour, max.” She walks over to the bed and kisses my forehead before grabbing her shoes and slipping them on. “Don’t fall asleep on me, okay. I still owe you your birthday present.” She smiles as she walks out the door, locking it back into place behind her.

As soon as she’s left the house, I get more comfortable on the bed. I know she’ll probably just wake me up and force me to go through with sex like usual, but maybe tonight she’ll just let me sleep; it is my birthday after all. And she did say I could do whatever I wanted today.

Not five minutes go by before I hear the front door opening again and I turn to bury my face in the pillow, dreading her early return. I hear footsteps start to wander all over the house, opening and closing doors. Eventually the sounds get to the hallway and start opening doors; getting closer and closer to the end of the hall where I am.

Curiously, I listen in as she nears my door. What on earth is she doing?

The doorknob rattles and she mutters something under her breath. I sit up as I listen to her struggle to open the door. Eventually she wanders off, coming back a minute later. Suddenly a loud thunk sounds out on the other side of the door as she smacks something against the door knob.

I get up and walk to the door, curious as hell now. “Chloe, what are you doing?”

“River??” The hitting stops and the girl on the other side sounds relieved to know it’s me. “River, it’s Kathy. Are you okay?” Suddenly, I remember who this person is when I hear the name; god I must have forgotten everything that exists beyond these walls.

“Kathy? What are you doing here?” I press myself against the door to hear her better, worrying this is some cruel dream.

“I followed Chloe, I came to get you out of here. Step away from the door.” I do as she says instantly, so use to following orders by now. She hits the door one last time, with more force than before and suddenly the door swings open; smashing into the wall beside it.

When I see her standing there, the realization that this isn’t a dream sets in and I let out a sigh of relief; relief that I’ve been waiting on for months now. I don’t get time to do anything other than that because as soon as our eyes lock, she’s attacking me with a hug.

“God, River, I was so worried. I thought I’d never see you two again.” She tightens the hug before pulling back to look me over. “Are you okay?” She asks again and I manage a small nod in response. It starts to set in that we could be getting out of this hell we’ve known for so long. But Ellie isn’t with her and instantly my mind kicks into overdrive.

“Did you get Ellie? Come on, we have to get her, she’s in the basement. I need you to help me find something to break in, there’s a metal door with a lock on it and I don’t know how to get in there, can you get in?” After a moment of rambling and dragging her down the hall, I stop to turn back and look at her expectantly. She looks at me with this saddened expression.

“I already checked the basement, there’s no way I can get in there. I don’t have enough time, she’s going to be back soon.” her statement only sends me into a more panicked state.

“But she’s down there, I have to get to her. Come on, there has to be something we can do.” I pull on her arm and start leading her to the basement, she protests the whole way; trying to get my attention and pull her arm free. But I make it to the first basement door before she finally manages to pull away, “River!” She raises her voice and it grabs my attention, delaying my panic just long enough for her to get her point across.

“River, we need to leave. Now.”

“What are you talking about? We can’t leave yet, Ellie’s still down there. Come on.” I grab her hand but she makes sure to stand her ground this time, not budging an inch when I try to pull her down the stairs.

“River, there’s nothing I can do right now. Look, I don’t want to leave her either, but we need to leave. I can’t risk being here when Chloe comes back and I need you to come with me, please.”

“I’m not leaving without her.” I growl back instantly but she proves to be as stubborn as I am.

“We’ll get help, we can figure out what to do once I have you safe at the apartment. But we can’t stay here, you know that, River.” She rubs my arms gently and tries to get me to follow her but I pull my arms free of her grasp, suddenly furious with how she’s acting.

“If it were Shay you wouldn’t leave.” her movements stiffen at the mention of her girlfriend and finally her expression changes from determination to understanding. She knows deep down that she would be just as hysterical as I am right now if her girlfriend was the one trapped in that basement, and she also knows that our equally stubborn natures are too overbearing to leave loved ones behind.

“Alright… We only have, like, ten minutes to find a way to get her out, but if Chloe shows up before we get her you have to come with me. Promise?” I nod my head in understanding, moving to hug her briefly before thundering down the stairs. Kathy joins me a minute later with a makeshift lockpick in her hand. She moves towards the door with the now deformed hairpins in her hands and quickly starts working on the lock. Not five minutes go by before she decides against her decision, “River, I can’t pick a lock like this with hair pins. We need to go, she’ll be back soon.” She stands up and gives me this worried look. The worry in her eyes is warranted, I wouldn’t blame anyone for fearing Chloe at this point. But I still can’t bring myself to follow my natural instinct to flee.

“I can’t leave her.” She steps away and I press my forehead to the cold metal of the door. She steps behind me and places a gentle hand on my shoulder.

“Okay…” She sighs out, knowing I’m too stubborn to fight with. “Let’s go upstairs and look in the kitchen for something stronger to break the lock.” as soon as she mumbles the offer, I’m bolting back up the stairs, turning around and beckoning her with the wave of a hand once I’ve reached the last step. She follows reluctantly and I nearly rush back down the stairs and pull her up myself. But she picks up her pace and soon she’s trying to break through the locks on the cabinets.

“River, she has everything locked down. I don’t know if there’s anything we can use around here. Do you know where she would keep the keys or anything?” I try as hard as my brain can manage to remember any details about Chloe that would give me a clue as to where the keys are. But I don’t have any idea, she’s not stupid; she knows better than that at the very least.

Before I get the chance to respond to Kathy’s question, she stops fiddling with the lock in her hand to listen intently towards the direction of the door. “Did you hear that?” She moves to peer out the window by the front door and even from my spot a few feet away, I can hear her breath hitch.

“Oh, god. She’s back. River we need to go. Now.” she moves away from the window quickly and grabs my arm as she speaks. I let her pull me along for a few seconds before it sinks in.

“What about Ellie?”

“Sweetie, I told you. You promised that you would come with me.” She doesn’t look back as she speaks and I jerk my hand away when I realize she no longer has any intention of saving Ellie.

“I’m staying.” I plant my feet as firmly on the ground as I can manage and when my arm leaves her grasp she whirls around in panic.

“River, we don’t have time for this. She’s on the phone, but she won’t be out there forever. We need to leave.” She tries to usher me towards the door but I stand my ground; weakly but still.

“I won’t leave without her.”

“River… I know how hard this is. But you have to listen to me, we can’t help her right now. I promise you, once we’re out of here and away from Chloe, will find a way to get Ellie out. Please, you have to trust me.” Before I have the chance to make a rebuttle, the front door starts to come to life with noise as Chloe unlocks it.

In a blind haze of panic, Kathy forces me towards the back door. She tugs on my arm and the whole way, I try to tug back. But in her panic, she’s given up being nice and she’s now using all of her strength to hold onto me. The few times I’ve gotten into fights has done little to match the strength that she’s gained from years of fighting people for Shay’s sake. I’m no match for her, especially in the state I am now, and she pulls me out the back door without much effort.

Whenever Chloe had let me out of ‘our’ room, I had stared at this door, wishing I could get to it without Chloe seeing me. But now that I actually am crossing the threshold, running past the now wide open door; I find myself fighting it. Because my little fantasies of escape always involved Ellie escaping too. I’m supposed to be the one dragging her to freedom, but instead Kathy is dragging me out into the open air. It’s the first time I’ve seen the outside world in what feels like forever, but now it doesn’t feel as free as I thought it would.

Chapter 24, "Abandoned"

☀Ellie☀

Something grabs my arm and lifts me up off of the ground I was sleeping on seconds before, throwing me into the nearest wall before I can even open my eyes. I already know what it is anyways, I don’t even have to be awake to know anymore.

“Where is she?!?” The ear piercing scream reaches me as I open my eyes to look up at Chloe. I stare up at her with confusion silently written on my face as I slide back down to the floor.

She picks me up again, this time by the throat and pins me against the wall I had just been thrown into.

“She’s gone… I know you know what happened, tell me where she is!” much to my surprise, tears are streaming down her cheeks. I shake my head violently, trying to show her I have no idea what’s going on.

“You mean… you don’t know where River is?” I shake my head instantly, fearing she’ll slap me just for not knowing. But much to my relief, she rewards me for my good behavior by releasing her grip on my neck. I slide back down the the floor, calmly taking in the air that I’ve been granted with. My lungs have become so used to being deprived of it when I’m being punished that I can manage to go several minutes without air. It also allows me to calmly take in air when it’s given to me, unlike before when I would just gasp for my breath. It’s better this way, it doesn’t anger her as much.

“She didn’t even try to get you? She really wanted to leave me that badly?” I know they’re not questions directed towards me so I make sure not to answer, not that I could anyways. I’ve become so use to not using my voice that it actually hurts to try now.

“She… she really left me.” she doesn’t bother to hold back the sob that chokes it’s way out of her and for a minute or so, she cries. Until she turns and sees me huddling in my corner, reminding her of my existence.

She sniffles back her tears and her expression quickly explodes back into anger.

“This is all you’re fault, none of this would have happened if you hadn’t pried your way back into her life.” I lower my head at the reminder of my misdeed but it isn’t enough for her. She hauls me up until her eyes are level with mine. They flare with more anger than I’ve ever seen in anyone before and I shrink away fearfully.

“Then you drove her away and she left us both behind. You’ve ruined everything. Again.” the sting of guilt sets in with her words, but not only guilt. River did exactly what Chloe said, she left me behind. She left me with Chloe. All because I drove her away, because I’d been selfish. Now I have to go through this alone. I was abandoned because I wasn’t worthy of her attention, I wasn’t worthy of her love.

“I should have just killed you.” The floor of the basement suddenly comes in contact with my back and before I know it, Chloe is hitting me. She hits with so much fury and speed that my body doesn’t even know where she’s hitting at first. The pain is delayed as it processes which parts of my body it’s supposed to be at.

She only hits me in the face a few times, somehow she still has enough kindness in her to be mindful of my head injuries. I don’t deserve the kindness she’s given me over the past few months.

She directs the rest of her punches to my stomach and sides, starting to sob again as the minutes pass. She goes on until she’s exhausted her fury and only overbearing sadness is left behind. She bawls up her fists as tight as possible, until her knuckles are white; and then she slams them down onto my chest. She does this two or three times before finally she stops all movement and just hovers over me, her hands clutching onto my shirt as she sobs. It pains me to see her like that, knowing that it’s all my fault. Knowing I’m the reason why she hits me.

She moves off of me to sit beside me, bringing her knees to her chest as she continues to sob. I make sure to lay where she left me, not daring to get up because I know it would only make matters worse.

After about ten minutes, she manages to get ahold of herself enough to leave the room and she slams the metal door shut behind her. She doesn’t come back for several hours.

When she finally does come back, she isn’t crying anymore. Her cheeks are clearly stained with tears and her eyes are a terrible shade of red, but thankfully her crying has stopped. She shuts the door behind her before walking up to me with a first aid kit in her hands. She moves to sit beside me, motioning for me to sit up and only then do I move from the spot she had left me at.

“I’m sorry I hurt you, I know I haven’t in a long time. I was just… upset.” She quickly starts tending to my injuries and again I start to think that I don’t deserve all the kindness she gives me.

“I-it’s not your fault that… that I upset you. I’m… sorry for what I did.” I struggle to get my voice to work at the risk of her punishing me for speaking. She smiles almost affectionately at me.

“I know you’re sorry… And I know I said when I first brought you here that I would never forgive you. But you know I have, don’t you? I forgave you a while ago, do you remember?” I do remember vividly the day she let me out of the basement for the first time, the day she let me see River. The day she forgave me was the day I was given the chance to be a part of their family. And once again I’ve soiled that too.

“Yes…” I nod slightly, still making sure to choose my words wisely.

“I really thought of us as a family. I even started to care for you, like a pet.. or even a daughter at times.” My eyes light up at that and I shift my gaze away from my hands to see her smiling.

“I’ve been thinking for a few hours… I still don’t understand how you could gain my trust like that and then make River leave.” her smile quickly turns into a scowl again and my heart sinks.

“Tell me what you did to make her leave.” I know as soon as she utters the order that I can’t avoid what I’ve done, I can’t go against her order. I have to tell her.

“I… I told her… that I still love her. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to…” She doesn’t give me the chance to explain, her right hand comes into contact with the left side of my face with such force it knocks me back a bit.

“How…” Her voice boils over with anger and she can barely contain herself long enough to continue, “… could you do something like that? Do you realize what you’ve done?” Her voice booms and I shrink back in fear as she starts to tower over me. “You confused her feelings again and you made her leave the both of us. You self centered bitch!”

 

☯River☯

Everything is a blur as I run alongside Kathy, we must run at least two blocks before we slow down. We never really slow to a calm walk, we speed walk the whole way whenever she’s not making me run in fear that Chloe will somehow catch us. We never once stop and somehow I end up infront of the door to her apartment, she makes sure to hold onto my arm as she takes the keys out of her pocket and unlocks the door.

She leads me inside, her grip on my arm now gentle compared to how it was when we left that damned house. After shutting and locking the door back, she leads me to the living room like a toddler. From what I can remember, this is usually when she would call out for Shay.

But this time she doesn’t have to, Shay was already sitting nervously on the couch; jumping to her feet as soon as she hears us. For the first time since that last movie night so many months ago, our eyes lock. I had forgotten how caring those green eyes of hers are. The second she sees me she lets out a small gasp, “R-River?” by now I know that tone in her voice means she can’t really believe it’s me, Kathy had given me the same tone when she had first barged into the House. Kathy finally lets go of my arm, stepping back and allowing Shay to move to stand infront of me. She looks me up and down, taking in every detail just to make sure it’s really me.

Before I know how to react, she’s wrapping her arms around my neck in this crushing hug; something I didn’t think the delicate girl was capable of. A small sob leaves her as she starts to let out a stream of relieved ramblings. A few minutes pass and the hug never breaks, barely even slackening.

“I’m so happy to see you, I missed you and Ellie so much…” at last she pulls away and it takes me a second to distinguish this sentence from her other previous ramblings. Then she says it.

“… Where’s Ellie? Oh God, River, please tell me she’s okay.” All in that moment it takes her to say that, I’m reminded of everything that happened over the past hour. I’m reminded of how I had so horribly left her behind.

“I… I-I left her… I left her alone in that basement, with that monster… I left her.” suddenly those three words are the only thing that I can manage to say and as the realization hits me I find myself sobbing into Shay’s shoulder, reiterating those same three words.

Chapter 25, "Choice"

ᧅ Kathy ᧅ

I had been so relieved to have River safely inside the apartment, that I didn’t really think of how Shay would react to seeing her. More importantly, I didn’t get the chance to tell Shay what had happened and she had unintentionally brought up River’s regret for leaving Ellie behind. Now, nearly ten minutes later, River is on the couch; still sobbing into Shay’s shoulder. Shay’s rubbing her shoulder and mumbling words of reassurance but it seems to do little to stop River’s tears.

Finally, I decide that it’s time for me to step in. River and I had always gotten along so well before, I can only hope that will help me to calm her now. I move to sit on the other side of her, setting my cup of coffee on the coffee table. Shay looks over her shoulder to lock eyes with me, I can tell she’s scared; she has no idea what’s going on.

“Do you think you can make her some tea? Something that’ll help her sleep, I’ll try to talk to her.” she nods in understanding when I say that and she carefully wiggles out of River’s grasp. Without Shay to cling to, her sobs seem to worsen and I pull her in for a hug in an attempt to replace her small sense of comfort. Her crying instantly seems to calm with the action and after a minute she moves to lean her head on my shoulder, staring at her hands absently.

“River… You know none of this is your fault, right? You did your best to take care of her.” In the ten minutes she had been crying, she had told me everything Chloe had done to Ellie. She doesn’t say much about the things she endured to prevent Ellie from further harm, but what little details she has said leave me sick to my stomach.

“I promised her I would get her out of there… I failed her.” she sniffles back another sob, covering her mouth to prevent it from seeping out.

“You didn’t fail her, you will get her out. You just had to get yourself out first, you couldn’t have helped her from in there, I know you know that. Deep down.” she thinks my words over for a moment, silently contemplating it all.

“I’m just so worried about what Chloe will do to her now that I’m not there… What if we don’t get to her in time?” she pulls away from my shoulder to lock eyes with me and I hold the gaze with as much intensity as she does.

“You promised you would get her out and so did I. We’re not going to break those promises, she’s going to be okay. You need to trust me on that, okay?” I know trust is a big thing to ask of her right now, after what she’s been through. But I know the old River is still in there, the River I knew before all of this. That River trusted me and I know if she’s still in there, then she’ll be fine.

“Okay…” She mutters quietly and I move to hug her again, she hugs back and it still seem so foreign to me. She always seemed to hate the idea of human contact, unless it was coming from Ellie, and despite my secretly affectionate nature, I never hugged people much. But yet, here we are, hugging each other like we had just lost a relative.

Shay comes in with the tea and we break apart. River takes the tea gingerly, thanking her quietly. I’m not sure what she had put in the tea but within 15 minutes of drinking it, River is passed out in my lap; her legs draped over Shay’s. After she’s sound asleep, Shay motions that we need to talk in the kitchen and carefully we manage to settle the sleeping girl onto the couch.

Once I’m in the kitchen, Shay starts to pace a bit and I wait patiently for her to speak.

“What… What the hell happened? All that stuff she said about Ellie… is it true?” I nod my head silently at the question. I may have only gotten that quick glance at Ellie when she was at the dinner table, but I saw enough of her to know what River said was true. The poor girl has been through hell and back.

“Are you sure? Did you see her? Why didn’t you get her out?” her eyes start to brim with tears at the thought of Ellie in such a terrible situation. I move to hug her, trying to ease some of her worrying. But I know it won’t do any good, none of us will be able to stop worrying until she’s safe.

“There was a metal door, I couldn’t get to her. I tried to pick the lock but…” tears start to fall down my cheeks as well as hers. I start to feel like River was right, like there could have been something we could have done. Shay moves her hands up to rub my shoulder blades and it instantly calms me, just like always.

“It’s okay, you tried. We should call the cops, they’ll know where to go from here.”

I shake my head as much as I can manage while my nose is buried into her shoulder. I grumble my protest almost instantly, “Do you remember how long it took them to do something about your brother? Honestly, I don’t know how you have any faith in them at all, they never seem to get to anyone in time.” I can feel her whole body stiffen at the mention of her brother and I pull away to look her in the eye. It’s been two years and we still haven’t gotten over it.

“I’m sorry…” I start the apology, knowing by now that I should learn to be more careful. But she cuts me off before I get the chance to really say anything.

“It’s fine… My parents brought him up at dinner. It’s getting a little easier to talk about it.” She lets out a small sigh before continuing, “But that’s not the point right now, just because the cops didn’t do anything then doesn’t mean they can’t help now. It was a different situation, they didn’t have much of a choice. But if you just take them to where you found River, they can do something.” I think her words over for several minutes; trying to listen to her. I sit down at the kitchen table and run my hands through my hair, I know she’s trying to do what’s best but I still can’t bring myself to believe the cops are the best option. She moves to kneel down infront of me, placing a hand on my thigh as she watches me thoughtfully for a moment.

“Relax, Kathy. It’s gonna be okay.” she wraps her arms around my neck and smiles at me encouragingly. On instinct, I move to hug her again, breathing in the sent of her that I’ve known my whole life; She’s always been my security blanket. I don’t know what I would do if I were in River’s shoes right now, when she had brought it up it sent a shiver down my spine. I couldn’t stand to see Shay in the state Ellie’s in now, I don’t know how River has stayed as strong as she has for so long.

“I love you.” I pull Shay closer and nuzzle her neck, it brings me comfort knowing she’s still here in my arms. She runs a hand through my hair and kisses my collarbone lightly before replying.

“I love you, too, Kathy.” I tighten my hold on her when she says that and for a few minutes we just stay like this. Until a phone erupts with noise and I’m forced to pull away. She kisses me on the cheek and smiles at me again before standing up.

“I’m gonna check on River real quick, you can get the phone right?” I nod in agreement and she walks back into the living room as I stand up. I walk rather sluggishly to my cell  phone, now resting on the counter. I pick it up and answer it rather reluctantly.

“Hello?” I grumble in a tone that’s anything but inviting to whoever is on the other end.

“Where’s River?” the voice that reaches my ears sends this cold chill of fear down my spine.

“How did you get this number?” it’s the first thing that comes out of me, but I stick with it nonetheless. She shouldn’t have our phone numbers, God, I hope she doesn’t know where we live too.

“I asked you a question first. You and your stupid little girlfriend are the only ones that would bother to come after them. Where. Is. She?” the growling tone that’s now in her voice makes her voice one of the only voices that has managed to scare me this badly. But still I’ll hold my ground, I’ll keep River safe to the best of my ability.

“She’s safe, she’s away from you.” Even through my fear I try to show strongness with a growl of my own.

“She was safe with me, I took care of them both for months without you in the way. I want to talk to her, she needs to come back home.”

“I’m not letting that happen, you’re never coming near her again.” adrenaline starts to pump through my veins, anger towards her giving me the strength to fight against her words. Shay comes back into the room, hovering near me nervously as she catches the last of my sentence.

“Who is that?” she asks as soon as Chloe demands to speak to River again and I watch her eyes shift from calm into a whirlwind of panic within seconds. I hear myself making some kind of reply into the phone as I rub her arm with my free hand.

After that, Chloe goes silent, thinking over the situation.

“Is your girlfriend there?” She asks after a moment and even through the phone I can tell she has sinister intentions. But I reply as calmly as I can, despite what she might say.

“Put me on speaker, I want to talk to both of you.” I dread what she plans on doing but I follow the order silently, allowing her to talk to the both of us.

“She wanted to talk to you to.” I mutter and on instinct Shay mutters some kind of greeting in response to Chloe’s request.

“Nice to hear your voice again, Milk Girl.” she manages to keep a calm tone as she utters the insulting nickname she often used on Shay when we were in school. But Shay’s way too distraught to even care about the name right now.

“What do you want?” She hisses in response.

“You both know what I want.” She’s quiet for a minute and I can tell she’s thinking over ways to make us bend to her will.

After a minute she must come up with a plan, because she starts to speak again. “You know, I’ve been inflicting wounds on this one for hours now but she’s yet to tell me where you took River.” her plan instantly starts to have an effect on us. Shay’s expression turns to one of worry and I try to come up with something to say to help ease the burn Chloe had inflicted on her.

“She doesn’t know, don’t hurt her anymore. She has nothing to do with us getting River out.” Chloe chuckles as soon as I say it, humming a second later as if she’s pondering my words.

“Well in that case…” with a quiet click her voice is gone and the phone flashes the words ‘call ended’. I stare down at it with worry, trying to decide whether or not I should call back. Shay reaches for the phone, grumbling something about letting her call back. But before either of us has a chance to do anything, the phone lights up again. This time it’s a FaceTime call. I hit the accept button as soon as it shows up and Shay scoots closer as Chloe comes into view.

She smiles this pure evil smile before speaking, “I just thought since she’s no use to me, you would like to see her. Maybe I can get some use out of you two then.” she gives us a chance to take in the words before the video blurs out of focus as she turns the camera. The room that they’re in is dimly lit but I can still see Ellie clearly, curled up on the floor. Chloe moves to sit beside her and the poor girl’s broken state comes into finer detail. Her nose is bleeding, along with her bottom lip, her right eye is swollen shut and a crushed and broken hand moves up to cover her other eye carefully as she adjusts to the light the phone gives off. Shay buries her face in my shoulder to prevent having to look at it and I pull her closer in a vain effort to comfort her.

“You’re sick, what do you want from us?” I find myself growling in response to Chloe’s actions. She turns the camera back to herself and smiles again.

“I’ll compromise with you. Get River and bring her back to me, in return I’ll give you your worthless little friend here.” She leans closer to Ellie and plays with her hair, in response she chokes back a whimper of fear. The sound breaks my heart but I can’t do what she asks of us, if we do then River will just suffer the same fate. I have to find a way to get Ellie out without risking River.

“No.” I growl back instantly and Shay looks up at me with this expression on her face that I can’t read. “You’re not in the position to compromise. You give us Ellie and we won’t go to the cops.” Somehow I manage to come up with something to threaten Chloe with and her eyes spark with fury at the statement.

“Go to the cops. By the time they do anything, she’ll be long dead. And you know that, don’t you?” she gives me this knowing look, like she somehow knows my history with the cops. She pulls a pocket knife from her back pocket and presses it to Ellie’s throat, making sure that we can see her draw blood. I expected her to cry out in pain but instead she utters this low whimper and I can practically hear her body giving up. The sound is a thousand times worse than I imagined a scream of pain would be to hear and instantly I look away from the phone; trying not to hear it.

Shay moves back to my shoulder as the sound leaves Ellie’s lips and she starts to sob into my shirt as Chloe speaks up again.

“If you’re not here with River by noon tomorrow, I will grow bored with keeping her alive and believe me; I won’t hesitate on killing her. It’s your choice. I’ll call back in an hour.” with that the screen goes black as the call is once again disconnected. I set it back on the counter and move to wrap Shay up in a tighter hug as her sobs start to increase in volume. As I do so, I notice River standing silently in the doorway, shaking like a leaf. Her body can’t even manage to produce tears anymore and it leaves her with this pained expression that I find hard to keep eye contact with.

“River… Don’t listen to what she said, we’ll figure out something.” My voice startles Shay out of her daze and she looks up to follow my gaze to River. She tries to voice something to comfort her as well but before she can say anything, River is walking out. She heads straight to the door, not bothering with shoes or a jacket. It’s not like she came here with either of those things anyway.

“River, where are you going?” Shay and I both follow her as she leaves and in a panic I move in front of her and slam the door back shut when she opens it.

“Where do you think? She said she would let Ellie go, I have to go back.” I block her as soon as she tries to move past me, a loud “No!” leaving me in a fit of panic. She doesn’t seem to affected by it though and tries to push by me again. I grab onto her shoulders to prevent her from leaving.

“I can’t let you leave. I couldn’t live with myself if I let you go back there. Please, River. You’re my best friend, I can’t lose you again because of Chloe.” her eyes soften at that and she takes in my words for a minute before stepping away from the door.

“Then what else am I supposed to do?” She moves to sit on the couch again, her head falling into her hands.

“I… I don’t know.” I mutter honestly, I hadn’t planned on her actually listening to me so I didn’t think that far ahead. I move to sit beside her in the center of the couch and a few minutes of silence passes.

“W-what if we just do what she said?” Shay suggests after a minute and River and I both turn to look at her oddly as she moves to sit in the empty spot on the couch beside me.

“The whole point of my protest was to convince River not to go back, babe.” I point out, just in case she missed it. She glares at me lightly and I go silent to let her explain herself.

“I know that, I never said she had to stay. Maybe we can just take her there and when Chloe gives us Ellie, River can just come with us. It can’t be too hard to over power here right? It’s three of us and one of her.” River brightens up at the idea but I have my doubts.

“She’s going to be expecting that, I’m pretty sure she knows very well she’s outnumbered.”

“She won’t see it coming though, if it’s me that initiates it though. She trusts me.” River’s eyes start to light up with hope and it’s a nice sight to see her bring back a small part of herself. But not even that can convince me, every part of me is just telling me this is a bad idea. Chloe clearly has the state of mind to kill right now if she doesn’t get River back and if something went wrong with her plans, Ellie is more than likely going to be the first one to suffer; and then Shay and I. But River does have one point, of all the possible scenarios in my head; Chloe hurting River doesn’t seem to be one. But why?

“River… Why does she want you back anyways?” I try to word it as carefully as I possibly can, fearing it’s something River doesn’t want to talk about.

“She’s insane.” it doesn’t take River long at all to answer my question with that statement, but she hesitates on the rest of her answer. “She lives in this fantasy world… she thought I was her wife or something. That’s why she treated Ellie so badly, she thought of her as a mistress.” she pauses for a moment, as if she’s trying to forget everything she just said. She gives Shay and I a minute to process the story before looking away from her hands with that determined look still in place. “We both had to go along with it or suffer the consequence. I acted that well for months, I know I can keep up the act long enough to get Ellie out of there.”

Shay reaches across me to pat River’s knee and smiles encouragingly, going along with River’s plan. After a moment of hesitation, I’m forced to go along with it too. I have a lot of faith in River’s judgement, she knows Chloe better than either of us ever will. But still, something in the back of my mind nags at me. Something bad is going to happen.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 09.03.2015

Alle Rechte vorbehalten