It has been two months and 22 days since we broke up. I've been counting. My efforts to win her back were denied. My efforts to erase her in my mind (if heart keeps memory then perhaps what i mean is in my heart) always fell short. I have tried to give my love to another. It didn't last long. My pretension was good, but I could not stand long the guilt of lying. I tried not to communicate with her, like any other attempts i failed.

Was it love? Was it real love?

I don't know. In our five years of relationship, I admit, there were times i fell out of love for her. But that did not stop me from loving her. I chose to love her. I put efforts. I took part of my time to visit her in her (boarding) house, accompany her to church to attend mass, pray with her. I cooked her her favorite pasta when she comes to visit my place. I gave her red roses on our monthsaries. Perhaps it was real love.

Despite of these efforts, she felt stagnant. She thought she was not growing spiritually, not maturing.

Was it real then?

Perhaps no. If it was, she must have grown spiritually. She must have matured. But she did not. She thought she did not.

Real love or not I must find a way to let her go for her to grow. I should not stop her from growing.

I should expect pain for it will be very painful to watch her grow in the arms of another. And I should face the pain. I should not make evasive moves. Pain will make me stronger, will give me courage and wisdom and better understanding.

She will grow, yes. And if I will not make any shortcuts to erase the pain, I will be stronger, I will earn the necessary courage and wisdom.Then perhaps I can say that it is real love. But this will not necessarily mean I can win her back. She already told me, she does not want me back. At least I can prove to myself that I am capable of real love. And maybe by then I can start to love again.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 10.04.2010

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