Dear Future Wife

DEAR FUTURE WIFE

A time capsule letter from a Stand-Up Comedian to his wife

Dear Future Wife,

At 1:52pm on 25th February 2012, I was sat in a room at the Holiday Inn in Southampton. I was watching "Scooby Doo". I put up a Facebook status addressed to you explaining my love for the cartoon. That started off a whole 24 hour period of sporadic messages aimed at you.

I ended up writing 130 messages which people enjoyed and encouraged. I agreed to write 120 more and put them in a book. Here they are. I have done my best not to alter them as tempting as it may be, so you can see it as real and raw as possible.

I'm still not quite sure what exactly to say this book is, except honest.

I'm sorry if you're upset about the public nature of this medium, but regardless of who reads this, it's still for you.

Love from,
Ola


1. Dear Future Wife, I must insist on watching Scooby Doo for my fix of sleuthing. Don't judge me.
2. Dear Future Wife, I like meat so please expect my farts to stink.
3. Dear Future Wife, I like to be naked in my house. Consider this when holding an impromptu prayer group or Skype Call.
4. Dear Future Wife, if you trip I will help you up, kiss your wounds and say "pele". Then I will go into the next room and laugh my head off.
5. Dear Future Wife, do not tell me how hot you find other men. For every Denzel Washington you gawk over there, there's a pretty friend of yours who's actually down for madness.
6. Dear Future Wife, please don't lose respect for me if I ask for a packed lunch. It just means I enjoy your food and my eating habits on the road are terrible.
7. Dear Future Wife, I like to sing random songs at random times. Jokes about how bad my voice is are played out. I suggest you learn the words...and harmonies.
8. Dear Future Wife, I love to travel, we must visit both Southampton and Scunthorpe.
9. Dear Future Wife, I'll be happy to go shopping with you as long as your willing to make it fun for me too. Each outfit warrants a performance of the Single Ladies dance for my viewing pleasure.
10. Dear Future Wife, I will share my life, home and bed with you. However, my popcorn and drink at the cinema is a big ask.


11. Dear Future Wife, "Our" wedding day is not "Your" special day.
12. Dear Future Wife, sometimes when I'm trying to forgive I'll slip in one last snarky comment. Ignore it please.
13. Dear Future Wife, for as long as you think my pancakes are awesome, it is your right to have me serve them to you in bed.
14. Dear Future Wife, for as long as you have me serve you pancakes in bed, you also reserve the right to regularly attend the gym.
15. Dear Future Wife, stop comparing yourself to your friends and women on TV. You have something they don't have. Me.
16. Dear Future Wife, the day we marry, you become the number 1 woman in my life. However if you're smart you will keep my mum and sisters on side.
17. Dear Future Wife, if you see me refusing to be defeated by a challenge, be it a puzzle or IKEA furniture, do not ask me to quit. Do not tell me I did OK. Do not tell me I did my best. Do not suggest paying another man or asking someone else for help. Just know and accept, I will win.
18. Dear Future Wife, I have acclimatised myself to utilising an extensive vocabulary. Instead of embracing ignorance in a disestablishmentarianistic way, please upgrade your lexicon.
19. Dear Future Wife, you must go by Mrs Gbaja-Biamila. If you do not recognise the power in that name, or take pride in acquiring it, you don't deserve to bear my children.
20. Dear Future Wife, I hate red nail

Impressum

Verlag: BookRix GmbH & Co. KG

Texte: Ola
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 14.03.2012
ISBN: 978-3-86479-406-3

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