7 Years Of Bad Luck

It's not easy for me to write about this experience. I'm embarrassed, but it's a big part of my pain and yes, my life. After all, it has accompanied me for 7 years of my life. I often tried to tell about it with the help of poems, to warn and also to heal myself, but I am afraid that I have spread confusion rather than knowledge. So I'm going to start talking about it openly.

Like most other people, I was looking for true love. Perhaps it is unusual, however, that I raved about such romance at an early age. I explain it to myself because I wasn't allowed to experience much love in my family environment and maybe this search for a higher warmth kept me alive. After all, I struggled more than enough with the coldness in my soul, which revealed to me the longing for my own demise. It was a cruel childhood, which I was able to cope with mainly with imaginary escapes. But this topic is irrelevant at the moment. Well, of course, no earthly being could give me so much to free me from this darkness, especially no one as young as other human girls of the same age. But the disappointment hurt mightily and made me more and more bitter at an early age.

Until I finally decided to take it easy. Just get involved in adventures instead of "hunting" for the love of my life. In an online chat, I met my first, fulfilling love affair and the biggest scum I could find outside of my own family. The latter was a self-proclaimed witch who raved about vampires and once even asked me if I had collected bags of blood. Enough signs to keep me away from such a crazy woman, but as an underwhelming virgin, I was quite attracted to a hungry, older lady. Although she may have played only one role, an amusing, magical coincidence arose: Shortly before Walpurgis Night, she offered to grant me a wish. I kept my wish to myself, especially since it was none of a stranger's business and of course thanks to my skepticism. I wished to finally have a fulfilled love...and a short time later I got closer to my first girlfriend: the fulfilled love affair I mentioned earlier. The "witch" was very angry about it, even wanted to order me how long I could "play" with my sweetheart and that's exactly how the contact with this psychopath ended. Why take orders from a madwoman and renounce my happiness in love? Unfortunately, this relationship only lasted for a few months. That's why I soon experienced my first, painful separation. Desperately, I sought contact with this bossing hocus-pocustus again, because I had the feeling that I could learn more about love affairs from her (she was very skilled in seduction matters and therefore I concluded a great wealth of experience in love matters from this knowledge). In addition, I felt a strong interest, curiosity and sexual desire for you, which of course also led to my decision.

It wasn't exactly surprising that she was now playing around with the next, younger guy, so it took a while for her to answer me. She agreed to teach me everything, and my lust for her grew stronger and stronger. Supposedly she felt the same about me, but she kept me at a distance. The reason: "If a witch falls in love, then forever", but the truth was far simpler... there was still your former lover in the game. Of course, your excuses were far more noble, but I finally broke off contact. It all felt like a dirty lie. The feeling is not surprising, since our "sorceress" worked with manipulation tricks. Some of them were simpler, but some were more serious. Some I could see through, others I didn't understand until years later.

In general, I learned more about such tricks, not only through observations in this "relationship", but also as I read more and more books on psychology, hypnosis and similar things. I just wanted to understand more and more what was going on. Why I was so taken with a stranger who didn't want to tell me anything about herself, Photoshopped, concealed pictures of herself (and not exactly many) and mentioned our kindred spirits as the only reason for these deep feelings. Eternal love, unconditional loyalty, everything I've always been looking for. Of course, I couldn't get over the loss of such a "perfect love" so easily and consequently talked about it with new friends. People who, strangely enough, had also dealt with such topics.

At some point, I felt sorry for this woman, because after all the theories and conversations with my former friends, I got the impression that she was just as disappointed in life as I was. Who was simply looking for the right partner, but was just unlucky and therefore had to stoop to such cheap tricks. To keep control, to protect yourself, not to be hurt so deeply. Something that I could quite understand myself, since I have already been more than just hurt in my child-rearing. That's why I wanted to be there for her with more understanding and show her that there can also be good people. Something that your own depravity never wanted to comprehend. I often accused myself of being after your money and your beauty (2 things I never asked for and still don't give a damn). What a naïve, stupid mistake of mine.

Of course, this was exploited so much, it cost me many years, nerves and even made me physically ill. More specifically, I suffered from mild strokes, some of my hair turned white, and my vision faded. The depression I was already suffering from became stronger and I felt more and more powerless. Even performing ordinary everyday things became an ordeal for me. Therefore, it is not particularly surprising that I also accepted therapeutic help. It is even less surprising that I often "ran away" from this destructive attachment, but new online acquaintances often persuaded me to try it again. Presumably, they were simply so-called fake accounts (internet profiles that look like other people, but are actually run by one and the same person).

Dependent, emotionally unbalanced, and instead of getting help from my therapist, he even talked me into continuing to try this love flea! They kept telling me that I was just mentally ill and that was why I felt so much mistrust. All right, probably every "healthy person" would have no qualms if someone raves about great feelings of love, but then puts you off for years. Constantly refusing to meet in person (so far away we didn't live apart from each other). Talking to you on the phone once a month (if I was "lucky"), with a suppressed number, even sending letters with a camouflaged return address. Yes, it was all due to my family-related, traumatic experiences from my childhood, of course. The worst part was when she started not answering my emails for months.

Supposedly had to do something abroad. These months even turned into a whole year without any feedback. Eventually, I left both of them. I told her that I didn't want a liar to be a woman and then started to allow friends and new experiences into my life again. I also don't want to withhold from you the most "amusing" lie, which convinced me one hundred percent of her mendacious nature: She claimed to be still a virgin. An almost 40-year-old woman, who was already married and is such an expert in seduction arts, actually tried to convince me that she had not had any sexual experiences. That's when I realized that in a totally in love state, you can really believe any.

This total infatuation is a form of control and manipulation that cannot be given to anyone without absolute trust! Never! I guess I'll never know what she really wanted from me, but I don't care anymore either. Possibly just developing and perfecting your skills so that you can better fool others? And don't think that there was a real separation: no answer on your part, the end was so simple. Nowadays it is called "ghosting" when you disappear without a word, very appropriate for such a pests. Apparently, she wanted to collect all kinds of information about me and even mentioned that she archived all these emails. Who knows what you will do with my deepest secrets?

This is the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. I don't regret anything in my life in general, but to have inflicted such agony on myself for getting involved with this crazy psychopath is something I can only regret. Did I need these experiences? To develop myself further? To learn? Well, can you use more bitterness, coldness, and distrust in your life? I don't think so and... no one can give me back the time I have lost. The only positive thing I can do is to warn others not to open up too much to strangers online. If someone doesn't want to meet with you, hides things from you, etc., then there is NO well-intentioned reason for it. You deserve better, everyone deserves better than that. And no one deserves so much consideration for such destructive behavior, no matter what excuses, bad experiences, or whatever ailments these parasites have gone through. That's not our problem. And if someone really loves you so much, why would that person hurt you so viciously and selfishly? Please, learn from my mistake.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 17.08.2024

Alle Rechte vorbehalten