Chapter 1

I walk down the hallway, keeping my head down. I can't look anybody in the eye. I feel like they are all staring at me, yet I knew they're not. I pass by Jade and Bryce, and they give me a knowing look. I know they are angry, but they understand. I stop, and look up. My favorite teacher looks at me with a worried look. I pull my sleves down, and continue walking through the hall. I open my locker, and there's another note. Why do they keep doing this? I know I shouldn't do this, but I open it anyways.

"Dear Lilly, No one likes you. I don't understand why you keep going to this school and acting like you belong here. You know you don't. Honestly, I think you should just kill yourself. sincerly, X"

At this moment, I'm seriously considering it. Why shouldn't I? I mean, people don't like me. Jade and Bryce are angry...... This really seems like an ideal thing. Maybe I...

"Hey!" I hear a male voice, and something touching my back. I jump and turn.

"Oh, hey, Derrick." I say, relieved. He wraps his arms around me, tightly.

I push him away, and he looks at me, sadly. He knows what I've done. He grabs my left arm, and roles up my sleve.

"Lil, why?" He is now teary eyed.

"Derrick," I say, taking his hand in mine. "You know." I hand him the note. "That's the third one this month." He opens the note, and reads it quietly to himself. His hand covers his mouth as he gasps.

"Oh, Lilly," He pulls me into another hug, and doesn't let me go. "I'm so sorry. I promise, I'll take care of this. I'll take care of everyone being so, cruel, and harsh. I'm so sorry."

He looks into my eyes, and kisses my cheek. I wipe his tears, and tell him its okay. He hugs me once more, closes my locker door, and off we walk to class.

As we walk into 1st period Science, I hear someoe cough and say "Loser" under their breath. I honestly can say, right now, I don't care. I have Derrick by my side, and I feel like I can take the world; head on. We walk past the guy that said "Loser" and Derrick flicks him in the back of the head. I can't help but to giggle.

We finally sit down in the back of the room, next to Jade and Bryce. Bryce puts his hand out to help me sit down, and Jade uses me as a foot rest; as usual. It seems things are looking up! Today isn't going to be as bad as I thought it would be. Or so I thought....

 

 

Chapter 2

 

As I'm walking home, I can't get Derrick out of my head. I never realized in our 8 years of friendship how good looking he REALLY is. With his shaggy dark brown hair, blue eyes, and pale skin, he's my kind of guy. But something about him makes me weery. He seems, kind of secretive. But the thing is, I really like that about him. He makes me smile, for reasons I didn't know possible...

I get to my door step, and pull out my house key. As I put the key in the door, and group of kids from my school drove by and hollered at me.

"Hey loser! Mom doesn't want you in the house you have to use a key? Poor you!" One of them yells.

I try to ignore this, but it's hard. I don't have anyone around to tell them to stop, so they continue yelling terrible, and hurtful things. I act like I can't hear them, yet somehow I know they can tell it hurts me. I just wish they'd stop, you know?

I finally get inside, slam the door, and drop on the couch. Sobbing. I hear my older brother, Justin, walking down the stairs. I wipe the tears, re-apply my lip gloss, and turn on the TV. Thankfully, it's still on the channel I was watching this morning. Ahh, nothin better than some MTV.

"Hey sis." Justin says, rubbing his eyes.

"Hey, Sleepy Head. Have a good day?" I say, giggling. He looks at me with those devilish and very tired eyes. I start laughing; hard.

"Hey man, listen, it's been a rough day. I might be out of a job." He whispsers.

Shocked, I say, "Ummmm, WHAT?? Dude, Mom's gonna KILL you!"

"I know... But please, Lilly, if it's the last thing you do, DON'T TELL MOM."

"Pshh.. It very well may be." I say to myself in my head.

"Okay." I promise.

This is going to be harder than I thought. I've never lied to my mom. Well, except for the time she asked what was on my wrists. I told her I fell. She, of course, being the push over she was, she believed me. I don't understand how parent's could be so oblivous to things like that.

Mom comes home around, 9 pm. She looks exhausted, so I make dinner. Ramen Noodles. YUM!

"Hey sweetie. How was your day?" She asks me as she's untying her shoes. I hand her a bowl of noodles, and she bows her head in thanks.

"Fine." I lie. "Yours?"

"Tiring. Mind if I take this to my room and eat? Wait, why am I asking? I'm the mother! I almost forgot because at work it's like I'm the kid, and Sandy is my mother. Although, she's old enough she could be!" She jokes. Mom just started working at the local hospital. Sandy is her supervisor. And might I add, she isn't the nicest person alive.

"Go ahead, mommy. You deserve it." I kiss her head, take her shoes and put them by the door, and shoo her from the table to go upstairs.

I follow her upstairs. I have homework I need to be doing. Or do I just feel like cutting is my new nightly homework? I can't tell. I go upstairs, and get into my backpack. I grab my Soical Studies book, and sit at my desk. I open to a random page and try to focus. It's becoming unbelievably hard to see the words. I can't tell why at first, until I realize I'm crying. Why? I don't really know. I guess it just happens.

I suddenly have the erge to open my drawer, and grab my evil tool; my blade. I try to fight the erge. It works for about, 5 minutes, until I can't bare it anymore.

I open the drawer, and grab my "Pencil Case". I open it, and under a few pens and pencils, there it is. My vice. I grab it, slowly, making sure not to cut my fingers.

I roll up my left sleve, and place the blade on my delicate and burning skin. My crying becomes sobbing, and my breathing becomes very heavy.

I slide the blade from left to right, many times. I almost don't realize there was blood until my fingers get sticky. I stop then, and run to the bathroom. I run my arm under cold water, and watch as the blood trickles down the sink. It doesn't hurt anymore, and the blood kind of calms me. I don't know why, but it does. It's rather scary.

The knob of the bathroom door turns, and I realize something: I've been crying loudly this whole time. I open it, thinking it's mom or Justin. But it's neither of the two. It's Derrick.

 

Chapter 3

 
"Lilly, give me your blade. NOW." Says Derrick. He looks like he's been crying.

I lead him to my room. I open the door, and he sees all the blood on my desk, my rug, and my blade. He drops to his knees. He starts sobbing, and he screams "Why!"

"Lilly," He says, trying to control his breathing. "Why do you keep doing this?"

"How'd you know?" I ask.

"You're mom called me. Lilly, you have to stop. I'm serious. I can't loose you." He kisses me. I kiss back, ignoring the excruciating pain coming from my arm. Both of my hands go to his face, and I pull him closer. I start crying in the middle of the kiss. He pulls away.

"Oh God, did I hurt you?" He starts crying, too.

"No, no. I just, I really regret all of this. But I can't stop. I've become addicted. It's like, you know when Bryce started smoking?" Derrick knods, wrapping my arm with gauge he somehow found in my room I assume. "Well, smoking and cutting are very similar. They both are very addictive. And, well, I've become hooked."

Derrick looks me in the eyes. "Lilly, you need help. I can be your help. I can move in the basement and whenever you feel like you're going to hurt yourself in anyway, just come to me." He kisses my forehead.

I knod. "Please stay. I don't want to be alone." I crawl into his lap, and he holds me, rocking me, wiping away my tears, and telling me it'll be alright. I believe him. He kisses my forehead, and whispers "Goodnight" in my ear. And we fall asleep like that. Me in his arms, and him looking at me with those beautiful eyes. I can almost say, I love him. But there is no way I'm telling him. Haha, no.

I dream of him and I that night; it's our wedding day. And when he says I do, I can barely breathe. And I think I couldn't breathe in real life either because he woke me up in a severe panic.

"Lilly! Oh god, Lilly! Are you okay?" He says, panicking.

"Yes," I say, grabbing his head, and kissing him. Passionately, lovingly, genuinely.

"What was that for?" Derrick says, out of breath.

"I dunno. But I felt like you needed it." I lied. I needed it. But he doesn't see through me, so everything is okay.

"Well, in that case..." He grabs my head, and kisses me back. I don't want this moment to end; ever. I want him. I want him to be mine. I want to marry him so that I can have him and that he is mine. Forever.

At that moment, Justin walks in with two mugs of coffee. I have a feeling he knew what was going on in there, so he walked in to stop it from going on any further.

"Morning, sleep heads." He says, and winks at me.

"Morning." I say, blushing. Half from ebarrassment and half from pure happiness. (Which happiness is a new feeling for me. I can't remember ever actually being HAPPY.)

Justin hands me a mug, then hands Derrick one with a threatening look. "So, Derrick. What have you and my BABY sister been doing all morning, eh?"

Derrick looks at me and giggles. "Oh, you know, putting together puzzles." He winks at me. I know what he means by "puzzles". It mean the puzzle of our feelings. Wait, are we together? I'm so lost. Well, we'll figure it out later.

"Hey, guys, I hate to interrupt your awkward look exchanging time, but it's Saturday and I'm tired. So, if you don't mind, EXIT THE ROOM." I say.

Justin looks at me, sticks his tongue out, and leaves. Derrick is still on the floor. Justin comes back in and grabs Derrick's jacket. "That means you too, lover boy." Justin says, dragging Derrick out.

I drift off to sleep, forgetting how bad my arm actually hurts from last night.

 

Chapter 4

 

I guess I was asleep for awhile because when I woke up, mom had already left for work. She works second shift on Saturday's, which usually starts at 3pm. I go downstairs to see if Derrick was still here, and I find that him and Justin are babling about some football game. Honestly, I could really care less about football, but since Derrick likes it, I reconsider giving it a try. I walk into the kitchen to see if there is anything to drink. Nope, nada. We have water, but that's not very filling. I give up, and walk into the living room.

"Hey, sissy. How about you come cuddle with your big bro?" Justin scoots over closer to Derrick so that I can't sit in the middle of them. I sit beside Justin, and lay my head on his lap.

"Who's playing?" I ask, not caring one bit.

"Bears and Packers." Justin says. "It should be a pretty good game." Derrick adds his imput.

I giggle because Justin gives Derrick a look I recieve way too often. His: Shut up and let me finish look. I laugh at the severity of it this time. Then, something Justin doesn't do often, he looks away and acts as if nothing had even happened!

"So, Lilly, how'd you sleep?" Derrick asks.

"Fine." I say, blushing.

Derrick winks at me, and it feels good knowing that he's mine. Well, at least I think. I think we're a couple. I wish Justin would go do something so that Derrick and I could talk!

At that moment, I scream in pain. I bumped my arm on something; something sharp. I scream and cry and sream and cry more.

"Oh god, what happened?" Derrick jumps up, starting to panic again. "I don't know, but we need to get her to the hospital!" Justin yelled, while running as fast as he could to get his car keys. "Derrick, pick her up and carry her to the car. I'm sure she's too weak to stand on her own. Hurry, man!"

Derrick picked me up lightening fast, and I was in the car faster than the speed of sound. Justin started the car even faster, and we were off on our journey to the hospital in what seemed like no time. "They really do care." I thought to myself, drifting in and out of consciousness.

Derrick and Justin were in the front, and I, in the back. As Justin was driving, (over the speed limit, I might add) Derrick was turned around in his seat, holding my hand and telling me funny things to keep me awake.

"Remember the time that we kissed?" I say, half delirious. "I mean, Derrick and me." Now, they can definatly tell something is wrong, because I never make Grammar mistakes like that.

"Lilly, baby, smile for me, okay? You're smile is beautiful, and smiling will help keep you awake. I trust that if you love me, you'll listen to me, okay?" Derrick says, caressing my cheeks with is soft and warm hand. He blows me a kiss, which makes me smile. I just wish this all could go away so I could be with him; Derrick.

"Justin...." I say, just barely loud enough they can hear me. "Justin... I l-lo-love Derrick..." I finally fall completely unconscious.

I have no idea what's going on as I wake up in the hospital.

"What's going on? Who's hurt? Are Derrick and Justin okay?" I ask. I almost don't realize the confused look I got from the staff.

"Honey," one of the nurses says, "They are alright. You're the one that's hurt." She points to my arm. I look down, only to realize the blood all over myself, my clothes, and the white bed spread of the rolling bed.

"Oh god. What happened?" I ask, frantically.

"You don't remember?" The same nurse from before looks frazzled. "Hon, you had an accident at home, and it's infected." I try to raise my arm, but notice that it's completely limp.

"What the heck happened?" The nurse wiped my tears with her sleeve. The doctors and nurses look at each other; troubled. "I'm serious. Someone tell me what happened!"

"Well," A male doctor says, "Look at your right arm." I roll up my bloodied and sticky sleeve, and see cuts. A lot of cuts. Big ones, small ones, new ones, old ones. "Honey," The male doctor took my hand, seeing my expression; which is horrified. "You used to cut yourself. And, from what I can tell by by your arm, you tried killing yourself."

 

Chapter 5

I wake up in a room, with Derrick facing me, sleeping soundly. I touch his face with my right arm. I kiss his tiny little button nose. He wakes up.

"Mmm.. Good morning, beautiful." He says, kissing my forehead. I blush.

"Mornin." I say, yawning, "How long have I been sleeping?" I take his hand in mine, and hold it tight. His blue eyes sparkle, his smile reveals his true feelings; happiness and at the same, terror.

"Well," Justin says, standing up from a chair, startling me. "You were put to sleep for awhile because you were having an epaliptic attack. Which is basically a seisure. You could have died, Lil." Justin took my free hand, and wiped his tear with his free hand. "I can't loose you, Lilly." At that moment, a female doctor walks in.

"So, Ms. Tral....." I know that voice. Oh god; it's MOM. "Lillian!" She drops the clipboard, and runs to my bed side, pushing Justin out of the way. "Lillian, what did you do?"

"Well, you read my paper thing, so I bet you can guess." I try to lighten the mood with a little sarcastic humor. Mom gave me an angry look. That plan failed.

"Lillian Jane Traling. Stop messing around. Better question. WHY did you do that?"

"No reason."

"Yeah, you tried killing yourself because it sounded fun?" Mom gave me a knowing look. I falsly smiled back. "Mom....." Justin prodded. "Justin, why don't you and Derrick go get something to eat in the cafeteria?" She hands Justin a 10 dollar bill, and off the went, closing the door behind them. There goes my easy escape. I search the room, trying to find another door, an open window; anything.

"Lillian! Are you even listening to me, young lady? I asked you a question!" Mom's angry. VERY angry.

"Oh, sorry mom. The medicine they have me on makes me spacey. What'd you ask?"

"I said, why did you try to commit suicide?"

"Honestly?" I ask, begging her with my eyes not to make me answer.

"If I didn't want the truth, I wouldn't have asked."

"I'm being bullied at school. My other classmates are putting suicide notes everywhere I go. I've gotten 3 this month. And it's only the 15th!" I tear up, and I can tell by the way mom looks, she's about to, also.

"Oh honey!" She gives me a big, big hug, holding me tight. "Why didn't you tell me?" I look guilty.

"I thought you'd be angry with me. Like it was my fault."

"I'm not THAT much of a monster. I do understand things like that. I was bullied once, too." Mom says, standing next to the window. "I once wasn't so pretty, so thin, and social."

"Yeah mom, because now you're a social butterfly!" Mom looks at me, trying to be serious. But I see the smile trying to form.

"I'm not talking about partying. I'm talking about having friends, and staying out late, and giving people advice." Mom says, shaking with excitement. Or in dander. I can't tell the difference anymore.

"Okay, okay. I get it." I laugh and put my hands up in defense. "But mom, what does this have to do with me cutting myself? I mean, I wasn't going to kill myself. I just, had enough last night and lost myself in my head. Is that such a crime?"

"It would have been if you actually suceeded in killing yourself!" She still doesn't believe me.

"Mom! I wasn't trying to kill myself. Honest." I cross my heart with my index finger.

"I believe you. But honey," She takes my hand. "Cutting isn't the answer. I can promise you that. DO you want to know WHAT is?"

I knod. She opens her arms for a hug, and pulls me in. She kisses my cheek. "Mmm.. Jesus, baby girl. Jesus can and WILL help you through this, through that, through everything."

"Ugh, not another "Christianity" speech." I say to myself. But I let her talk anyways. BUt this time, I'm strangely drawn to listening this time. I don't know how, but I am.

"'Romans 10:9 - That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.' Listen to that, Honey. Just think about it. I'm going to leave you alone now. You don't have to pray, but I think it would good if you did." She kisses my forehead. "Bye sweetie." She walks out, and I'm left with silence; the most dreadful thing known to man.

 

 

 

Chapter 6

"Okay, God?" I say, skeptical. "Hi, I'm Lilly. Although you probably know that. I am praying because, well, I'm hurt. I'm scared. Confused. God, if you're there, tell me what to do. I am terrfied of the monster I've become. I'm not very good at this whole life thing, and I need you now. I want to know you, and I want to follow your lead. I've not paid attention to the, pastor? When mom takes me to church, and I don't know much about you, but I give myself to you. In Jesus name, Amen."

I fall back into a gentle slumber. I dream a dream of pure innocence, everything is white as snow, and there is no hate, no pain, no hurt. It was, heaven.

"Lilly?" It's Derrick, shaking me gently to wake me. "Are you okay?" He puts his hand on my forehead, to my cheek, to my other cheek, and then to my forehead again. "Hmm, you're not warm. Do you feel alright?" He touches my stomache, which, coinincidentally, groaned from being so hungry. I haven't eaten since Friday. It's now Sunday.

"Yeah, I'm fine. But could we go to the Cafeteria? I'm famished." I say.

"Leave it to you, to be in the hospital and STILL use big words!" He kisses my cheek, and giggles. He helps me up, and puts his arms around my back,a nd walks me to the door. We walk down the the Cafeteria, and we find Justin hitting it off with a girl that looks, maybe, 19? Perfect age for him! Justin is 20, and he's the best big brother; ever.

"Oh, hey Lil." Justin says, standing up, hugging me. "This is Jessica. She used to work with me." I wave, and she pulls a seat out, and gestures to sit. "Here, take a seat." She says, smiling. She has an amazing smile.

"Thanks." I say, smiling back. Derrick helps me sit down, and he sits next to Justin on the oppistie side of the table than Jessica and I. "So, Jessica, how long have you and Justin known each other?"

"About, two years, I believe." She looks at Justin for conformation. "Sound about right?" Justin knods in agreement.

"Jessica also went to school with me at Stratford." He looked at Jessica, and smiled politely. Justin tried going to college, but his job got in the way of that.

"Yeah, before he decided to quit!" Jessica teases. "I'm just kidding." She holds the top of his hand.

Justin blushes. I look Derrick, and pretend to gag. Then Justin looks at me with his evil eye. I laugh hard and loud. Jessica laughs awkwardly, not knowing what I'm laughing at.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Jessica. I can't help but laugh at Justin." I wink at Justin, him still giving me the evil eye. I blow a kiss back at him sweetly.

"Yes, well, I think Lilly should get back to her room now. Mom would get mad if you're not there. We wouldn't want that, now would we?" Justin smirks at me. I glare back.

"Yes, I should get back. Derrick, wanna come with me?" I look at him, with begging eyes. "Yeah, sure. I'll come with you." Derrick intertwines his fingers with mine, and leads me back to the room.

Once we get back, it's like nothing has changed. I haven't noticed any healing in my head, my body, or my soul. What's going on? I lay back down on the bed, and Deriick lays beside me, still holding my hand. He squeezes me hand three times. I look at him, and he kisses my nose. I just lay back down. I close my eyes, and pray.

"God. Help. Please. I think he is trying to tell me something. But I don't know if I want to hear it. Please help....." My prayer and thought was interrupted by Derrick kissing me.

I push him off. "Derrick! What are you doing?" He looks at me, confused.

"I thought you wanted me to kiss you." He says.

"I do.. I mean, I did.. But Derrick, we need to stop this." A single tear runs down his cheek, and I break. I fall to the ground crying. He runs to me, but I push him away. He tries to comfort me again, but I push him away. He stops trying, and I hear paper rustling and a pen scribbling. I am still on my knees, crying.

"Here." He throws a piece of paper at me. I look up, but when I do, I hear the door slam shut. I cry even harder at that. When I finally can calm myself, I pick up the crumpled piece of paper, and open it. It read,

"Lilly,

I love you... I know you don't feel the same, and it hurts me.. Before I get hurt anymore, I'm just going to leave.. Have a nice life, Lillian. Thanks for all the good times.

-Derrick"

I get off my knees, and open the door. I run as fast as I could to stop him. I can't let him go. The truth is, I love him too. As I'm running, tears are streaming down my cheeks uncontrollably. I run, and run, and run. I look for him, but he's no where to be found. I look in every room, every hallway, everywhere. I scream his name. When I find Justin standing by the door and shaking his head, I fall to my knees again.

"No! No Derrick, please!" I yell. Justin runs over to me, and puts his arms around me. I fall into his lap, bawling. "He's gone. I messed it up. He's gone!"

Everyone in the hopital is now staring at me, and at this moment, I don't care. The love of my life is GONE. People are pointing and laughing, some are covering their mouths and looking at me with concern, and some are totally disgusted. Justin stands up, bringing me up with him.

"Let's go to the room." We walk down the hallway, me sobbing, and him rubbing my back telling me "It'll be okay." When we get to the room, Justin finds the note on the floor. He reads it, and he looks at me.

"Lillian." He looks almost disapointed. "What did you do?"

"I pushed him away. He was trying.." Breathing heavily, I wipe my tears. "He was trying to tell me he loved me. I puhed him away. Justin. He loves me!" I say, almost smiling. "But, I never got the chance to tell him how I felt. The truth is, I love him too."

Justin looks at me with a look I've never seen before. "Lilly, you love him?"

I knod. "Yes!" I scream, smiling. "Yes! I love Derrick Trace with all my heart!"

Justin walks over to me, and scoops me up in a big hug, and twirls me around. "Lilly! You are in love!" He smiles so big, it almost doesn't look like my brother.

"Yes! Now, what do I do? He's.." I start crying again. "He's gone!"

"Well.." He puts me down, and rubs is head trying to think. "You could always write him a love letter."

"Nah. That's too...... Sappy." I say.

"Announce it over the intercom at school!" Justin says, excited.

"Yeah, and get everyone to laugh at him. Perfect plan." I say, sarcastically.

 "Well.." He says, looking out the window. "That's really tough."

 

Chapter 7

I'm dreaming; this can't be real. He's here.. He's holding my hand.. He's kissing my neck.. His hands move from mine to my skirt.. He slides his hands in my underwear...

"Lilly!" My mom wakes me up. I'm in my bed. "I'm going to be late for work, honey! Get up and make breakfast for your brother."

My cell phone rings. "Derrick" Oh my god... He's calling me! Act normal!

I breath deeply, flip open the phone, and say, "Hello?"

"Hey, Lilly. We need to talk. Want to go out for lunch?" His voice is shaky and nervous.

"Um, I don't think I have anything planned for today. I think we can do that." On the outside, I'm calm. On the inside, I'm jumping up and down and crying tears of joy.

"Oh, good. So, pick you up at, say, 12?" He sounds happier. I like this.

"Yeah, sounds great. I'll see you then." I hang up, and scream! "Oh god, yes! Thank you!!"

I stumble out of bed, still numb from my amazing, intoxicating dream... (And new reality!)  I get dressed; Black skirt, and lime green tank. I hope this will work on him... I mean, ugh! What am I saying? I'm a new girl! Stop, Lilly! But he's soo cute with his shaggy brown hair, always in his blue eyes, which by the way, are sooooo beautiful I could melt.

Finally ready, I go downstairs and cook Justin breakfast; eggs and bacon. He wakes up at the smell of cooked bacon.

"Mmmm.. Mornin sissy." He yawns, streaching.

"Late night?" I ask, handing him a cup of coffee and a plate full of food.

"Very. And thank you." He hugs my side. I knod in response. "Ohhh. Don't you look pretty! Where YOU goin?" He winks at me, then whistles.

"Knock it off, perv!" I wink. "Derrick wants to take me to lunch." I smile, giddish.

"Nuh uh!" Justin smiles his "Told ya so" smile. 

"Yeah, Sherlock... Now, I'm going to watch T.v until he gets here at 12.. Wanna watch with me?"

Justin knods, grabbing his plate. "Can you grab my coffe, sis?" I grab his cup, and lead him into the living room. I turn on the T.v and flip through channels.

"Keep it here!" He yells, with a mouth full of food; almost choking. "It's the Packers vs. the Steelers game!" Ugh. Football... Well, it IS Sunday, which means Football Day.

"Ugh. Fineeee..." I say, rolling my eyes. "It's 11:45 and I'm dying of annticipation. Can this day go any slower?

Finally, Derrick shows up, ad he comes to the door, and knocks. So proper..I giggle..

"Hello, young lady." Derrick says, bowing and kissing my hand. "C'mon, fair maden. Your chariot awaits." He points at his danky old car, and leads the way. I kurtzi, and we walk side by side, hand in hand.

He opens the door for me, and I sit. I open his door from the inside, and he kisses my cheek as thanks. I missed him... A lot.

"So Lilly." He says, taking my hand in his. "I didn't mean to scare you the other day." It, being a week from that dreaded Sunday, I tense up. "I just, I just needed to kiss.."

"I love you too" I stop him. I kiss him, wraping my arms around his shoulders, pulling him close. He is taken back at first, then he relaxees. He pulls me close also, and runs hi hands through my short light brown hair. He stopped kising me, and started kissing my neck. Is my dream coming true? All of the sudden, I realize, it is! He was holding my hand, then let go to run his hands up and down my body. I don't know why, but I'm drawn to sit on his lap. So, I do.

He moans as I get on his lap and kisses my neck harder, and slips his hands underneith my skirt. Oh god, why am I letting this happen? I don't know, but, "Ouch!" I scream, and he automatically lets go off me and his finger retreats back to my side.

"Did I hurt you?" He asks, looking into my eyes. "I didn't mean to do that... Well, I did but it kind of just, happened..."

"No no, it's okay. It's just, Derrick, I'm not ready for that. But actually, it felt amazing. Wait a little longer. I'm sorry, but, just wait. Please."

 "Okay." He says, kissing me and taking me off his lap. "Ready for lunch?" He puts the car in gear, and off we drive to where ever we're going. But as he drives, I see a pained look in his face.

"Derrick..." I say in a somewhat sad but comforting voice. "What's wrong?"

 

Chapter 8

We arive at Tenara coffee in a slient ride. He gets out of the car, but doesn't bother opening my door for me. He doesn't bother holding the door open for me as we walk in. He doesn't pull out the chair for me. What have I done?

"Derrick, I know I pissed you off, and I'm so sorry. I just, I noticed you were upset. I got worried. I'm really sorry I didn't realize why you were upset, until you told me. Baby," I take his hand, grabbing his attention from the menu. "It's not that I don't love you. I really do. But, I'm not very good at showing it and to be completely honest, I'm terrified of getting hurt by jumping into a relationship."

"But we've known each other for 8 years!" He slams his fist on the table. I'm pained by this. He sees my face as I try to look at the menu and hide my pure hatred for myself. "Lill, I'm sorry... I just, I've wanted to be with you for a long time now, and when I thought I had you, I took advantage of that." He looks down, shamed.

I want to jump over the table and wrap my arms around him and tell him I love him and that's it's going to be okay. I want to kiss him. I want him to be my boyfriend. I want him to be in my bed. I want him to love me. But mostly, I want him to want me.

"Derrick. I love you. I wanted too, but I excepted God. I can't have sex, but oh god, do I want too. Only with you, though." I kiss his cheek, and hold his hand.

"Lilly, will you be my girlfriend?" He asks, looking deep into my my eyes.

"Well...... Yes!" I say. He jumps up and wraps his arms around me and twirls me around the room.

"Lilly, I love you!" People are now looking at us, but we don't mind, I'm in his arms, and he's in mine. Everything is perfect....

We order our food, and eat holding hands. He gives me loving looks and smiles every few minutes, and I giggle and smile in return. When we are finished with our food, we walk out of the resuraunt hand in hand.

He opens my door and buckles me seat belt for me, sneaking a kiss as he passes by. I kiss him back, but hold him for a little longer than he had expected. I can tell by his reaction, he wasn't expecting me to do that. But I don't care. I'm so happy and I'm finally ready to tell him and the world that I, Lilly Jane Traling, love Derrick Frace.

He gets into the car, and starts it. He presses the gas pedal, making his car sound big and bad; but we all know it's not. He looks at me and nerdally winks. I laugh so hard I almost snort. He's so adorkable. I love him. I really do.

"So Lilly, you happy?" He puts his arm around my neck.

"Very. I'm truly happy! I love you, Derrick!"

"Haha. I love you too, baby girl." He takes his eyes off the road for a second, and kisses my cheek as fast as he could. Then he gets his eyes back on the road.

"I love you too, baby girl."

We gets to my house and he walks me in. At my door step, I feel as if it was really our 1st date. He kisses my cheek.

"Good night, my lady. Until next time." He blows me a kiss.

"I love you too, baby girl."

Those words would ring through my mind until we got to school Monday.......

 

 

Chapter 9

Walking to school, I can't get him off my mind. Have I ever been able to since he kissed me? Nope... And honestly, I don't know if I ever will or ever even want too.

I'm at my locker and someones covers my eyes with one hand.

"Who am I?" I hear a male's voice; Derrick's voice.

"Um, Justin Bieber?" I say.

"Close. But no cigar. It's me, baby." My eyesight returns, and I turn to see Derrick, holding roses.  "For you, my love."

I blush and take the roses. I smell them. They smell like magic. I've gotten roses before, but that was from either mom or Justin. But I've never gotten roses from someone whom I actually love and want to marry.

"Thank you.." I say with tears in my eyes. He lifts my chin up, kissing my nose.

"What's wrong baby?" He pulls me into his arms.

"Nothing. It's just, I've never felt this way before.... And it feels nice...."

We walk to class, arms around each other's waist. People look at us, disgusted. But do we care? No! We are in love, and there is nothing that can take my mind off of him.

We walk into class and go to Jade and Bryce.

"Whoa! Are you two a thing now?" Bryce says.

"Yep." Derrick says before kissing my cheek.

"I knew this would happen at some point. Just didn't know when." Bryce sighs.

"Bryce is just mad because he likes you, Lilly." Jade rolls her eyes. I know that she secretly likes Bryce. It pains me to see her gawking at him, but Bryce gawking at me.

We sit, and the bell rings. Class has begun.

We are watching a video for science, and a note gets put on my desk.

"Lilly, I love you. I always have. You mean more to me than I mean to myself. You are my everything, Lilly.... Always know that. Sincerly. Derrick."

 

Chapter 10

He's perfect.. He's everything I've ever wanted.. He will never hurt me...

I walk into my bed room and drop my bag on the floor. I jump on my bed, grab my phone, and call Derrick.

Answer.. Answer... ANSWER!!!

"Hey baby." He answers. Thank God.

"Hey love. Want to come over?" I ask.

"Um, yeah sure." Yessssssssss I'm thinking.

"No one is home, so I'm lonely. And I want to be with you."

"I'm coming. I'll be there soon." He hangs up in a hurry.

Finally, he gets to my house. He knocks, and I open the door, jumping on him, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck, and kiss him. He walks into the house, and slams the door closed. I get off him, and pull him to the couch. I lay down, and he is now on top of me. He is kissing me, passionately, hard, and genuinly. His hands start tracing my body frame, like he's sculpting a replica of me.

"Can I?" He asks. I knod.

He moves his hands from my hips, down to my sweat pants. He gently unties them, amd pulls them down ever so slightly. He continues kissing me, and he puts his hand in my panties. He starts to rub, gently, then grows more and more intense. I moan, and this makes him go mad. He kisses me harder, and slides one finger in. I moan an exasperrated moan followed by a deep breath. He kisses my neck and goes in and out very slowly.

"Derrick!" I say, suddenly realizing what we are doing.

"What?" He says, still kissing my neck.

"Stop! Now!" I push him off. He looks at me like he thinks he did something wrong.

"What did I do?" He says, taking my hand in his.

"Better question is: What did I do?! Derrick, I can't do that!"

He looks at me, with begging eyes. I can't resist his eyes; sparkling blue. Innocent blue. Baby blue. Blue.

"Derrick, I made a promise to God. And, although I want to break it, I can't. I think it's time you should go. It was a bad idea for me to invite you over. I'm sorry. I'll see you tomorrow." I stand up, tying my pants again. I help him of the couch. We walk to the door.

"Can I atleast kiss you good night?" He opens the door.

"Yes." He pushes me against the wall, lifting me up and wrapping my legs around his waist. He kisses me, and I wrap my arms around his neck. We stand there, just like that, for what seemed an eternity. After awhile, he let me go. And then, he left.

"Good night, Derrick." I whisper as he gets into his car. I'm love struck.

Chapter 11- The Dream

"No, Derrick, Please, stop!" I scream. But he just keeps going. Harder and harder. I try to kick him and push him off, but he won't get off..

"Derrick! What are you doing?" I'm sobbing, but that doesn't make him stop.

"Baby, you know you want me. Now, you have me. Stop fighting it. Help me. Push. Hard."

I can't make him stop. So I just give in. I push. Hard.

"There you go, baby." He kisses my neck. "Just like that." He kisses me and I reluctantly kiss back.  I thought he loved me. Why is he doing this?

"Derrick, please stop." I beg. But does he? No.

"Derrick." I say, before he hits me, and I'm wiped out. Or so I thought......

Chapter 12

I wake up in a cold sweat, screaming and crying. Justin busts in my room with a bat.

"Whoever you are, get the heck out my sister's room. I HAVE A BAT!" He swings wildly not seeing where he hit. It's pitch black in my room, and he knocks over my flowers Derrick gave me....

"Justin!" I scream. "Turn on the light, man!" He searches the wall with his hand and finally finds the switch. The light flickers on and my eyes burn.

"Ahhhhhhhhhh...." He takes in a deep breath. "That's better. So, why were you screaming?" He looks around the room, holding the bat in a swinging position. He gently opens the closet, and just in case, he hits all my clothes with the bat to make sure no one is there.

"Cost is clear." I say, sticking my tongue out playfully. He fake laughs in response. "I screamed because I had a dream........ More like a nightmare." I say, still wincing from the surreal situation. 

"What happened?" He puts the bat down, and comes to sit on my bed. 

"It's complicated, Justin. Can I go back to sleep?" He knods. "Thanks." I kiss his forehead, and he smiles vacantly. "Turn the light off. But please, don't close the door. I need the hall light on. Just for security, you know?" He knods, and walks out.

"Night, sis." He turns off the light and sighs as I he walks down the hall.

"Hush little baby, don't you cry. Mama's gonna sing you a lullabye..." I hear my mom singing softly down the hallway and into my room. She must have heard me sniffliing- yet I didn't think I was that loud. She lays beside me on my bed, and wraps her arms around my waist.

"Lilly.... What's wrong, baby?" She kisses my head.

"Mommy...." I sniffle. "I love him......." There is a long silence while I sob into my mom's shoulder. Shes hushes me while running her hand up and down my hair. Finally, I calm down. "He told me he loved me too. I believed him." I look up in her eyes. " Mom, I think he wants to have sex."

"Sex?" She jumps up, angry. "Sex? Lilly, you're 15! You're not even old enough to drive! AND God says no sex until after marriage. Do you really want to break Gods' trust?" She looks at me with her hands on her hips.

"No." I lied. I want to have a relationship with Derrick- Even if it means losing my virginity.- "You're right mom. I'm sorry. I'm going back to bed. I have school tomorrow." I lay down and block out the world. It's time for me to sleep. God knows I haven't gotten much of it lately.

 

Chapter 13

 

I'm half way to school, and I'm already tired. I didn't get much sleep last night. I just can't get that dream- or nightmare- out of my head. I walk past Derrick's house, and he is getting into his car. I hide my face with my hand to try to avoid conversation.

"Hey, Stranger!" Derrick says running up to me before picking me up and twirling me. "How's my favorite girl?" He says before kissing me.

"Fine." I say sternly.

"You okay?" He puts his hand on my chin, turning my head to face him. "I'm serious. Be honest."

I knod and he shakes his head, knowing I lied. "Okay." He sighs. "Get in. I'll take ya to school." He points to his car. I get in; reluctanly. He senses I'm uncomfortable, so he puts his hand on my knee and smiles.

"Derrick. Can I tell you something?" He knods. "Well, last night after you left, I had a dream."

"Mmmmm, sexy dream?" He winks.

"Not funny." I glare at him. "It's really bothering me."

"What is it?"

"I had a dream that y-you.." I started choking up. "That you raped me!" I'm now in full on tears.

Derrick stops the car; mid-street. (Luckily it wasn't a busy street.) He unbucklates his seat belt, and wraps me in his arms. He lifts my chin, and kisses my nose; he himself now crying. "Baby, I would never hurt you like that- I'd never hurt you in any way. Lilly, I love you." He kisses my tears away, and unbuckles my seat belt and puts me in his lap; now cradling me like a baby. "I love you."

"I.. Love.. You.. Too.." I yawn, still exhausted from last night and now this dramtic experience.

"Hey, do you wanna skip school today? You look exhausted. We can go to my place and you can crash in my bed." Derrick says.

I knod, again yawning. He puts me back in my seat after kissing my cheek. He buckles me again, and I drift off to sleep.......

Chapter 14

When I come to, I awake in Derrick's bed. "Derrick?" I say, looking around the room, still with blurry eyes.

I get out of the bed and stumble on the sheets. When I get back up, I open the door ever so slightly so it doesn't make a noise. I walk into the living rom to see Derrick, sound asleep on the couch. Awh, I think to myself. He's so cute!

I go and sit on the couch, gently lifting his head and putting it on my lap. I just sit there, running my hands through his soft hair. God, I love him. I start to hum a delicate song my mom used to sing to me as a child while his chest rises and falls as he breathes.

"Come, little one to the land of smiles. Come to the land of enternal smiles. I love you so, and I promise I will never let go."

I start to fall asleep myself when Derrick intertwines his fingers with mine and kisses my palm. "Mmmmm.... Hello, beautiful." I blush.

"Hey." I say, not sure what else there is to say due to the fact that I don't want to ruin this perfect moment.

"I fell asleep on the bed with you, then my mom got home and dragged me to the couch. I had to explain why we were heare and not at school. I told her you were stressed because of problems at home and that you needed a long rest. Luckily, she believed it." He winks and kisses my cheek. "So, how'd you sleep?"

I yawn. "Fine." I smile and giggle. Derrick sits up and wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me on his lap. I put my head on his neck and he kisses my out stretched neck.

"Mmmmmm...... You smell soo good... It's intoxicating.." He kisses harder and and pulls me closer.

"Derrick.." I say, stopping him. "I love you too."

He looks at me, confused. "What?"

"The letter you wrote me in the hospital, you said you loved me... I never got the chance to say it back." He looks at me, and wraps his arms around my waist.

"Lilly," He says, running one hand through my hair. "I've always loved you, and always will.." He pulls me in for a kiss. I kiss him before he even gets close enough to meet my lips. He likes this, I can tell by the way his breatheing is.

I get off his lap and lay down on the couch, my head now on his lap. "Can you turn on the tv?" I ask.

He grabs the remote and channel surfs. We finally stop on disney channel, although now we're not even watching the tv. "Lilly?" Derrick says. "You're so beautiful." He runs his hand through my hair.

"Haha....." I say.... "You're too kind..."

He blushe.. I giggle.. He lookes up at me, and bites his lip....

I stand up, grabbing his hand, and pulling him to his bedroom. I lay down.

"Lil, are you sure?" He asks, looking into my eyes.

 

Chapter 15

I nod. "Yes." He gets on top of me, kissing my neck.

His hands run up and down my body. His hands feel amazing. He starts to unbutton my pants, pulling them down a bit. He looks at me and smiles, pulling them the rest of the way down. He kisses my thighs..

I moan as he puts his face in between my legs, licking and sucking the inside of me.. I hold his head there, gently tugging his hair. He gets up, and goes to his desk drawer.

"What're you doing?" I ask.

"Grabbing a condom.....I don't want you pregnant." He takes out a shiny ight blue wrapper. He opens it to reveal a condom. He pulls his pants down and puts it on. He walks over to the bed. "So, you ready?" He asks.

I nod. He gets on top of me, pushing my legs apart. He wraps my legs around his waist. He moves a little....then it's in..

"Ouch!" I say, biting my lip in pain.

"Baby, don't worry.. It won't hurt for long." He kisses me softly, holding my head. He moves in and out, and after awhile, it stops hurting...it actually feels good.

I moan, loud. He moans in response.

(Two hours later)

"Derrick.." I say, playing withis hand, his arm warpped around me as we cuddle.

"Yes, beautiful?" He kisses my shoulder.

"Now that we've done that, you won't just leave me broken hearted, wil you?"

"No...never.. You're mine, forever. Got it?" He tickles me.

"Good."

 

 

Chapter 16

I wake up in Derrick's room. He isn't there, but I am sure he's just with his mom or something. I get up and wrap myself up in the sheet before going to the mirror 

"My hair..no." I scavage through his room to find my purse and my clothes. I get dressed and grab my make up. 

I walk out of his room to find Derrick's dad watching tv. "Well, good morning, star shine!" He laughs. 

"Ha, funny. What time is it?" I ask. 

He looks down at his watch. "Quarter to 6. And hey, your mom called earlier. You should call her back."

"Thanks." I say. I walk into the kitchen and pick up the home phone. I dial my moms number and press call. 

"Ring...ring...ring.." 

"Hello?" Mom ansswers.

"Hey mom. How's work?" I say.

 She releases a long sigh. "Oh, you know. Stupid and taking too long. I can't stand this women." 

"Ah, I understand. SO, do you want me to have dinner on the table when you get home?" I ask. 

"Yes please. Can you please make some chicken and rice?" 

"Yes'm. I love you. Get back to work!"

"Love you too."

I hang up and walk back into the living room. "Hey, where's Derrick?"

"Socker practice."

 "Oh. Thanks." I say. I go into the kitchen and grab an apple. "I'm gonna go home. Tell Derrick to text me later. Bye."

"Bye, sweetie. Nice seeing you."

Chapter 17

As I get home, I hear noise coming from inside my house. 

"Mom I'm home." I say, closing the door behind me. There are a bunch of people in the house, people whom I don't know. Music is playing loud and the people are dancing. Justin must be having a party.

"H...heyyy sisss.." I hear Justin. "Where have youu been, missay?" He says, trying not to laugh. He falls over.

"God Justin, you're sloppy drunk. What the hell?" 

A girl comes up behind Justin, wrapping her arms around his waist. "Calm down, little girl. He's fine. GO to your room or get out."

"Excuse you? Last time I checked, this was MY house. You get out." I smile. "Everyone, party is over. Get your shit and get out." I yell. No one hears me. I turn the music off and yell louder. "PARTY IS OVER GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!" 

"Buzz kill!" One guy says. "Go to bed, kid." and girl says.

"I'll call the police. Get. Out." They leave in a flash. Guess they weren't as bad ass as they thought. Justin is making out with that one girl who I didn't bother to ask her name. I pull her off of him, hand her her purse, and push her out of my house.

"Call me!" She says.

"Oh, crap. I don't have your number. Wait, here is it. 555-555-skank?" I say. She coldly stares at me. I smile and close the door. 

"Justin, what the hell, man?" 

"I just..I just wanted to have some ffun." He says.

"I don't care what you want. This isn't cool, man. Mom is going to be pissed. What was going through that thick skull of yours? Nothing! Nothing was!"

"Sis...I'm sorry.." 

"Sorry isn't good enough. God, man..wait, where even is mom?" 

"She's at work."

"Right. Well, you better get to picking up the place. I'm not helping."

"Can I take a little nap first?"

"No. Clean. Now." 

"FIneeeeee." 

I go to my room and slam the door. I've honesty have had enough of this. 

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Lektorat: IloveMonkeys
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 27.03.2013

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