August 15, 2013

 

“Clayton Smith is here for questioning.”

“Bring him in.”

Clay was unwillingly ushered in. He ran his fingers through his mess of sandy brown hair and sat down across from Officer Lee, a small slender man with no shape of face and worn down hands. Clay’s chiseled jaw tightened and he looked down at the ring that wrapped around the index finger on his right hand. He attempted to show his discomfort of the shuddering light but neither of the officers attempted to remedy the situation. He looked back to the ring.

“Mister Smith, I understand you were close with Bethany Wilkes, correct?” Clay nodded, still not giving Officer Lee the satisfaction of eye contact. “How long had you known her?”

“She wouldn’t like you calling her Bethany.” He failed to mention her preferred nickname: Beth.

“That is not the question I asked, Mister Smith. How long had you known Bethany Wilkes?”  Clay licked his lips and, for the first time, looked into Officer Lee’s eyes.

“Since she moved here to Montague Falls when we were six, we’ve been best friends.” Officer Lee leaned forward onto his forearms.

“But recently you two had a falling out, correct?” Clay’s jaw gripped onto his words.

“That’s one way to put it.” He managed to spit out of his anger.

“What happened, exactly?” Officer Lee asked patiently.

“That’s none of your business.” The words came out as knives.

“Well, considering a young, woman disappeared two weeks ago and you were the closest one to her, I believe it is my business.” The officer cocked his head and looked to the young man for a rebuttal.

“I couldn't give her what she wanted.”

“But you did love Bethany.” It was more of a question of Clay’s opinion than a statement.

“That’s correct.”

“Does the name Austin Wilkes sound familiar?"

“Yeah. He's her father. The man was usually too drunk to speak and he was always beating up Beth and her mother. Why?"

"He claims that you were responsible for Bethany's disappearance. Is that true?”

“That doesn’t surprise me. He’s always hated me.”

“Are you or are you not involved in the disappearance of Bethany Wilkes?” Clay spread his palms across the table, letting the cold metal soothe his mind. 

“Of course I wasn’t. I love Beth. I would never harm her. Do you understand, Officer?” A splatter of mockery covered his tone.

“Indeed I do. Please calm down, Mister Smith.” Officer Lee’s face remained free of emotion’s chain. Clay’s hands relaxed and curled back into their original folding.

 

“We believe that Bethany ran away. Do you have any idea why that might be, Clayton?” Clay flinched at his own name and shook his head slowly.

“A bag and multiple sets of clothes and her favorite books are missing from her dresser. Her friend said she also took some canned food.” Clay twisted his ring on his finger. Back and forth, back and forth. Officer Lee watched him intently. “Do you have any idea why she might’ve run away, Mister Smith?” The young man looked to ponder this for a moment then nodded. “And why might that be?”

Clay swallowed the lump of guilt that rose in his throat.

“Because I lied to her.”

 

September 24, 1994

A six-year-old Clay waddled across the yard to their fence, peering through the slats that his father had built by hand. A boxy moving truck had backed its way into the driveway next door and Clay was curious. He liked new people. Not to meet them, just to watch. He thought they were interesting; he liked to memorize their quirks and voices. He had a knack for it. 

The passenger side door opened and a woman popped out with a young brunette girl pressed to her hip. Clay gawked at the girl, who’d seemed to take notice in the colors of the leaves.

“Go find something to do Beth, Mommy and Daddy are going to unpack.” The woman slid the girl down her side to the ground with a thump. Instead of running and frolicking like most children, Bethany bent down and picked up a crimson red leaf. Then a yellow, a brown and an orange. She seemed to take such happiness in the leaves last dying wish of color.

“Why are the leaves all different colors?” She asked aloud to the wind.

“Because it’s autumn. All the leaves die in autumn.” Bethany twisted her head around to look at Clay, and it was then he realized she had blue eyes.

“Why?” Clay had been so lost off in another thought that he’d forgotten what he’d said.

“What?”

“Why do they die?” Clay didn’t have the slightest idea why they died. He just knew that was the way things were; like how you weren’t supposed to talk to strangers or talk back to mom. He wracked his brain for a viable answer, but a load of jumbles was all he got.

“I don’t know. They just do.”

“I’m going to live forever, like my mommy.” She jabbed her finger over her shoulder and motioned towards the woman unloading boxes whilst a man leaned against the truck with a cigarette jutting out of his mouth.

“Who’s the man?” Bethany’s eyes saddened.

“That’s my daddy. We can’t make him mad.” She whispered, her happy tone meshing with fear.

“Why not?”

“Just ‘cause.” She looked at her yellow rain boots. “I’m sorry. I’m not supposed to tell.”

Clay leaned onto the fence that separated them. Beth was now just on the other side; if Clay reached out, he could probably touch her blue plastic raincoat.

“I can keep a secret.” Beth quaked her head stubbornly.  She was quiet for a moment, and then she smiled at Clay.

“My name is Beth. What’s yours?”

“Mine’s Clay.” Beth tugged the collar of her raincoat up shyly.

“You mean like the mud?”

“No silly. Clay like Clayton. I’m named after my uncle.” He spoke matter-of-factly. Beth nodded in understanding. Neither of the two had noticed Beth’s mother trudging through the leaves towards them until she called.

“Hi Baby Doll, who’s your friend?” She picked up Bethany and pointed at Clay. The woman was very pretty, with long blonde hair and blue eye that mimicked Beth’s.

“This is Clay. Clay like Clayton.” She smiled.

“It’s nice to meet you Clay, I’m Marcie.” A blush bloomed against Clay’s cheeks.

“Hi Marcie.”  All was quiet for a few seconds except the murmur of the wind in the trees.

“Well, we have to go unpack. It was nice meeting you!” Marcie slugged back towards the house.

“Bye Clay!” Beth's voice rang out. Clay smiled, a warmth oozing in his heart.

“Goodbye!” He watched as she faded off into the fog that had rolled down.

August 15, 2013

“What did you say to make her run off?” Clay sighed and shrugged sarcastically.

“I just lied to her and got her best friend pregnant. Nothing drastic.” Officer Lee grunted.

“What did you say to her to cause her to run away Mister Smith?” The silence was shattered as the lingering officer in the corner coughed.

“I did it to protect her.” Clay started after a moment. Officer Lee dropped his last question and his curiosity got the better of him.

“What exactly were you protecting her from?

“Me.”

"That's quite the cliché." The officer in the corner of the room smeared the grin that had formed on her mouth.

"It's the truth. I don't know what else to tell you."

"How about you tell us where she might've run?" Clay sighed and laced his fingers together upon the table, now refusing to look into the officer's eye line.

"Her grandfather used to live in Arizona. Did you check there?" The officer shook his head.

"Well, why not?"

"There's no way she could've gone through four states in such little time."

"Such little time? It's been two weeks; it only takes four hours to drive to Arizona from here! What was the point of even bringing me in if you didn't even check in the basic places? I bet you didn't look in our tree house either!" Officer Lee's eyes widened.

"Tree house? What tree house?" Clay shook his head in disbelief and smiled.

"We built a tree house in the woods when we were about thirteen. We used to sneak out and lay in there, just talking to keep her mind off of everything."

Will you show us this tree house?" Clay examined the officer’s face carefully.

“I suppose.”

December 22, 2011

The two teens trudged through the maze of pines, curling their fingers in the fuzz in their winter coats. Clay squinted through the sun to look over at her. A smile overcame him.

“Don’t move!” She whipped her camera from underneath her sweater and held it to her eyes. The boy shivered and stared lazily into the lens.

Click. “That’s a good one.” She murmured, fingering the ridges on the side of the lens. Clay leaned onto a tree and ran his fingers through his hair.

“What did you want for Christmas?” His voice fluttered with the frozen breeze. She took her time responding, and licked her lips before she spoke.

“One of those fancy cameras from the store. I love this one, but my dad cracked the viewfinder when he chucked it outside.” Her fingers trailed to the tiny broken screen. Clay’s anger was not chilled with the cold wind. He raised a hand to hit the tree behind him but wiped his mouth instead.

“He has no right to treat you like that.” His voice rippled, the growl in his throat threatening to erupt. Beth lowered her eyes to her shoes.

“He means well.”

“No he doesn’t. Your mom can’t go outside because she’s covered in bruises.  You have to hide in your room and listen to them fight because he got mad and smashed all of your CD’s. He has no right to treat you like that.” He repeated.

“He can do whatever he wants with me, and nobody will care because he’s my father.” Clay took a step towards her and her head raised to look at him. Pure determination rushed through his veins. 

 

“I don't care if he’s your father; you’re my best friend and you don’t deserve it!” His voice came in a verbal-vomit rush. Beth’s lower lip shivered and he had the sudden urge to kiss her, as she did him. However, they did not; neither had enlightened their flustered romanticism for one another. Instead, her tears drooped down her cheeks and he turned away, looking over with his anger - and his hormones - raging.  ”You’re my best friend Beth. I just don’t want to lose you. Especially not if it’s because he got mad and beat you like a boxing bag.”  He now was looking to her knees, for he could not bear to see the healing bruise that lined her cheekbone.

“Clay?” Clay glanced towards her. “Thank you. For being there.” And for the first time that day, she smiled.

July 4, 2002

"Clay, hurry up!"

"I am hurrying!" He grinned and followed Beth into the forest. Over her shoulder sat a broom and pile of blankets. Clay rushed ahead and arrived at the base of their tree house first. It was beginning to grow dark and their friends would be there any minute. Rolling logs out of the brush, they placed them in a circle around a circle of rocks that was soon to be a bonfire.

The rest of the preparations were finished quickly and a few of their friends poked out of the trees.

"Hi Beth!"

"Colette!" Beth stood to go hug her friend but paused when a few unfamiliar faces peeked out of the darkness. "Who are they?" A larger boy with short-cropped hair and a letterman's jacket, a mouse-like girl with choppy red hair and too much eyeliner and another large boy with longer hair stepped up behind Colette.

"Just some friends from Beverly High. This is Riley," She pointed towards the letterman's jacket, "This is Arika," She pointed to the choppy haired girl, "And this is Max." Her hand finally aimed at the boy in the skinny jeans. Beth's blush could be seen even is the musky lighting.

"Hello, I'm Beth and this is Clay. Max, will you give me a hand setting up the food?" The boy smiled, revealing a dimple. Clay's jealousy shined through his watching eyes that trailed the walking pair. Suddenly the realization of his solitude hit him. The rest of the people went off to find firewood. He sighed and plopped down on a log, his head in his hand. His emotions were so rickety and unstable; he was sure he'd burst if Beth didn't stop flirting with Max. His thoughts were interrupted when the trio of gatherers returned with firewood. Together they got a fire going and warmed themselves with the flames.

After a few more people arrived and a couple hours went by, along with a dinner of roasted hot dogs, the friends all sat around and told stories. A few couples had formed; however, Clay was left alone beside two other girls who had shown up. As a boy continued to tell a story of how his math teacher was crazed, Clay found himself completely dazed with the image of Beth and Max from across the fire, sharing giggles and a blanket. Clay's fists were clenched in his lap.

"Who's ready for marshmallows?!" Colette practically shouted. The murmurs rose into whoops of joy as Max and Beth rose from their seats and trudged into the darkness towards the tree house. Clay's jealousy turned to suspicion, but he was not so eager to run after them. Instead, he roasted a s'more for Arika, keeping the tree house in his peripheral vision. After twenty minutes, the group ran out of marshmallows. Seeing a perfect opportunity to spy, Clay opted into getting the extra bags. 

A laugh escaped the tiny fortress. Clay's distress became apparent as he barged in.

Beth's head turned in surprise. Clay stood awkwardly in the doorway, an empty bag of marshmallows in his hand. Her and Max had been talking in the dark, but they were rudely interrupted.

"Sorry...we're out...marshmallows..." The boy stumbled with his words and his feet as he searched for the extra bag. Max removed one hand from Beth's shoulder and tossed the bag that had been lying beside them. Clay caught it and left in quiet defeat. Lingering in the doorway, he turned to give Beth a good long look.

"Clay get out!" She growled. Her best friend was happy to oblige and he slammed the door behind him. "He's mad..." He heard her murmur, as his stomping grew faint.

July 12, 2002

"I think I love him Clay." Beth sighed dreamily as they set up the dinner table in Clay's cozy home. He merely glanced up at her skeptically and continued to dole out the plates.

"Beth, you've only known him for a week. Relax." His jealousy was now tinted with happiness by association. She was happy, so was he. At least for the moment, he was.

His disbelieving in her affection irritated her. "I do love him. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me!" Clay dropped the plate he was holding and it shattered on the floor. He glared at her, finding himself so hurt that he physically winced.

"What is going on in here?” Clay's mother stormed into the room. Neither of the teens even flinched. Both just stared miraculously at one another. As if nothing had happened, Clay grabbed the broom from the corner and began to sweep up the broken glass.

"I think you should leave." He gritted his teeth in an attempt to hide the sorrow in his voice, but failed. Beth could hear it; she knew. Clay's mother had become statuesque as she watched the drama unfold. Turning to the doorway, Beth stalked out. There were a few agonizing moments of silence before Clay's mother stepped away from the trembling boy.

"Are you okay?"

"No."

"I don't suppose you'd like to talk about it."

"She thinks she loves him."

"Oh Honey..."

"It's fine." Letting his bittersweet words settle on the floor like syrup, he shuffled up to his room in a depression fury.

July 17, 2002

Five days had passed and neither Beth nor Clay was willing to drop their pride and make up. Beth had resorted to spending all of her time with Max, who of course was thrilled.

"She's just as torn up as you are." Colette sighed as she stood a few feet away from the tree house door. Clay expelled a breathy noise as she ascended the steps. Peeking through the door crack, she noticed him hunched over something. The curiosity that lay within her stirred and she stepped in. He was scribbling on a piece of paper what looked to be a letter. Colette was silent as she watched in curiosity.

"Is that for her?" Her words rocked his rhythm and he halted. Dropping his angry act, he loosened his jaw.

"Have you ever written a letter to someone that you weren't meaning to send?"

"No."

"I do it a lot. I just write out my feelings in a letter and burn it. That way nobody knows."

"Isn't that kind of pointless?"

"No." Colette was once again silent. "I almost don't want to burn this one...but I'm going to." Colette thought for a moment.

"What if you bury it so nobody finds it?"

"But you'll know."

"It'll be our little secret."

"You'll tell Beth and she'll find it. I know you will." He coiled back in defense. She shook her head.

"I promise I won't. Seriously, I wouldn't do that to you." Her eyes were sincere. Clay was quiet for a second or two. The gentle wind hushed the teens as Clay eased his tensed muscles. The two left the small fortress and walked over to a smaller pine tree. Clay took two steps to the left and dug under the soft layer of leaves with his hands.

He'd never felt so fine with Colette's presence before.

September 3, 2002

The doorbell rang and stuttered the peace of the Smith family's sleep. Although Clay walked as if all was fine, he knew something to be horribly wrong.  Upon opening the door, he found himself to be correct. Beth stood before him; her left eye flourishing in a fresh blue bruise. Makeup stained tears were smeared on her cheeks and she was shaking. Blue and red lights flooded the room. Beth's pride curled at Clay's feet in defeat.

"My dad...he just went crazy, and... Clay, I think my mom is really hurt this time..." She broke into whimpering sobs and Clay twined his arms around her. She just stood, quivering. After a few minutes, Clay ushered her up into his room and into his bed. She obeyed exhaustedly and was almost instantly bent with unconsciousness.

Outside, the lights from the police cars flashed. Clay stood on the outside of the tape impatiently as they wheeled Marcie out on a stretcher and into the back of an ambulance. Stepping up next to the car that Beth's father was in, he peered in at the man who had beaten Beth.

"You deserve the death penalty...you sick, twisted bastard!" Clay banged on the window, his fury sieging. A uniform by the name of Officer Lee pulled him away.

 Inside his house, Beth stood motionless in the window.

September 4, 2002

"Beth?" Max burst into the living room. Clay sat straight up from where he was dozing on the couch, ignoring the complete lack of respect Max had for the home. "Where's Beth? Do you have her?" He asked with a threat bubbling in his throat, but Clay denied the foreshadowed fear of the boy.

"What does it matter to you? All that matters is that she's safe." Clay stood across the room from Max, their unspoken challenges radiating on a string that tied them together. Beth descended the staircase, confusion and panic overcoming her quickly.

"Would you two stop it?" She stood between them, though she was hardly a barrier; Being five foot three, she was minuscule compared to the two five foot eleven boys.

"Baby, are you okay? I came as soon as I heard." Max's expression sweetened and he pulled her into a kiss. Clay stood beside them, wringing his hands.  "Why didn't you call me when it happened?" His worry looked so fabricated.

"I'm sorry, it was late at night and I didn't even think about it." She hugged him tightly and he returned the favor. "You have to take me to her."

"I will. Why don't you just go freshen up and I'll meet you down here, okay?" Beth grinned and fluttered up the staircase, leaving the room empty of sound and warmth. "Thanks for taking care of her." Max's insincerity seemed to change. Clay was so uncertain of what to believe. "I was...busy."

"Right. Well you shouldn't have been too busy to worry about your girlfriend's mother being practically beaten to death." Venom lined the words that he spat at Max.

 

"Hey man, give me a break, I was out with some friends! How was I supposed to know that was going to happen?"

"I don't give a damn what you were doing! You should’ve been there for her!" The words were chopped when Beth paraded down the staircase once more, makeup covering her bruises.

"You ready?" Max nodded and the two turned towards the door. Beth only glanced back to wave at Clay before they were gone, slamming the door behind them. Clay returned to the couch and held his head in his hands, listening carefully to the two getting into a car and driving away. 

Clay's mother tiptoed down the staircase, stopping halfway to watch her son helplessly.

"Are they gone?" Clay nodded, not looking up. "I don't like that Max. He's a jerk if I ever saw one." Clay nodded again.

"I just don't understand why she thinks so highly of him." He trailed off, completely lost in the maze of his own mind.

August 16, 2013

The heat hung low in the air early that afternoon. Colette's 1996 Chevy backed into Clay's driveway, and the engine stuttered and fizzled out. She opened the door and struggled to pull herself out, one hand on the car and the other on her swollen baby bump. Clay rushed to help her. She waved him off.

"Where are they?" She eyed the premise for the police. Clay pointed towards the woods.

"They're at the tree house. I told them she was too smart to leave anything there but they insisted." A smile threatened Colette's distanced look in remembrance.

"She wouldn't be caught dead leaving anything for us to track her down." Clay huffed out a sarcastic laugh and buried his face in her neck. The two twined together as the heat oozed across their skin.

"I miss her too." The words danced under Colette's breath. He shook his head and backed away from her.

"No you don't. Not like I do. I loved her." Colette's anger glimmered.

"Then why'd you lie? Everyone else left her. You were the one person she thought she could count on, and you left too. Do you think this is my fault?"

"A little bit Colette, you weren’t exactly a bystander!"

"Don't you dare blame this on me!” She screamed, rising to meet his eyes. “You’re forgetting, this is your daughter too!" Clay's rebuttal was dropped along with his jaw.

"...Daughter?" Colette smiled through her tears and nodded. He dropped to his knees and stared at her belly. "We're having a girl..." Colette let out a shaky sob and watched as the father of her child held his hand to her belly. Officer Lee cleared his throat and Clay rose quickly to his feet.

"We didn't find anything. " Clay nodded and wordlessly followed Colette into his house.

September 5, 2002

Clay padded through the hall of the hospital, reading the room numbers.  Three-oh-six, three-oh-seven, three-oh-eight...three-oh-nine. He stood just outside upon realization that Beth was sitting on the bed, holding her unconscious mother's hand.

"I remember when I was little, I wrote on the wall. He was going to hit me, but you got in his way. I probably would have died if he had...I was so little." She was crying now. "You were laying on the floor for almost a day. I sat beside you and held your hand.” Her words came between sobs. "You tried not to let him hit me... Please don't leave me..." Her words were lost in her weeping. The beeping of the heart monitor was rather slow, and the scene was heartbreaking.

Clay stepped in, his arms held open, and Beth tumbled into them. She clung to his shirt and cried out everything she had. Max, of course, was nowhere to be found.

"It's going to be okay." Clay whispered into her hair. Beth did not stop crying. He smoothed her hair. "Beth, look at me." Her sobs halted and she looked up at him. "It's going to be okay. I promise." A tear rolled down her cheek to meet the rest that clumped at her jawline. Her breathing was unsettled. "It's going to be okay." She grabbed at the collar of his shirt and stood on her tiptoes, kissing him ever so gently. The shockwave that followed jumpstarted Clay. Hungrily, he pulled her closer, his hands on her back. Those moments seemed like forever, entire lifetimes passing by. Clay heard footsteps tapping lightheartedly down the hallway and he untwined himself from his love in time for Max to return with a doughnut in one hand and a coffee in the other.

"Oh hey Clay. I got you a coffee Beth." He held out the cup to Beth who just stared at it. Her finger leaped to her lips, and she looked into Clay's eyes. "You gonna take it?" She shook her head, the sobs beginning again. "Oh come on, don't cry." He did nothing to console her otherwise. Clay stood aside the two, unsure of what to think. He had just kissed Beth. Beth's mother was dying. Beth was dating Max who really wasn't that great. Beth, Beth, Beth. Her name rung out in his head like church bells, such a sweet, sorrowful sound. All three were too occupied to notice the heart monitor's beeping slow until all three had silenced.

"The nurse said she'll be lucky if she makes it through the night." Another hoarse sound of her sadness rung out of her throat and she crumpled into a ball on the bed. Clay's heart broke inside his already seemingly hollow chest and he sat beside her, stroking her hair. Max put the coffee down and watched his girlfriend cry. Clay could not fathom how anyone could watch Beth cry and do nothing to attempt to subside it.

Hours later, Clay sat at the foot of the bed with a sleeping Beth in his arms. He ran a finger down her back and paid close attention to counting the bones in her spine. One, two, three, four, five… His eyes turned to Max who was also asleep in a chair across the room. Then he peered to the clock. 2:57 AM.  The heart monitor beeped consistently and he prayed for it to never ever end.

 

But it did.

 

At 3:11 the beeps clashed angrily into a single, horrifying scream of a sound. The hospital staff rushed around him as he watched horrified. A doctor began to shock the woman's heart to life again. A nurse ushered them out into the hall and Clay felt himself convulse in sobs. As Beth buried her face in Max's shirt, Clay just stood helplessly as Max consoled the girl. He heard her cry out. The sound was so distant and he felt empty.

 

Marcie Wilkes was pronounced dead at 3:15.

August 17, 2012

"No you're not! You can't!" Colette paced the living room angrily, holding her belly and concentrating on evening her breath. "My friend is missing! You can't just stop looking! What else is there for you to do in this backwash town?" Clay yelled into the phone. Officer Lee remained calm and giving his regrets, he hung up. The line buzzed, its signature sound of death, and Clay slammed the phone onto the receiver. "God damn it!" He screamed, dropping his head into his hands. He felt tears fill his eyes. He was unaware that Colette's face had drained of color and she was sweating profusely. Raising his eyes, he realized what was happening. "Oh god, sit down." Colette did as she was told and she broke down into shaky cries.

"It's okay it's just my...anxiety." She felt the baby bump and let out a lengthy breath.

"What are we going to do?" Clay stared at his enwombed child. He knew it should have been Beth's. Colette knew it should have been Beth's. But the matter was to be unspoken of; it turned to be sort of an obvious secrecy.

"I don't know." The clocks in the room ticked at an uneven pace that resembled a heartbeat.  The tapping that came to the door cracked the silence. Clay rose to answer.

"Hi Clay." The figure spoke before Clay had fully opened the door. He blinked, unsure of whether to speak in anger or confusion.

"Why are you-“

"I talked to Beth." Clay dropped his anger and let Max come in.

October 15, 2002

"We can't just pretend this didn't happen." Beth's voice drained the forest of quietness. Clay looked up from the book he was reading and ran his fingers through his hair.

"What are you talking about?" He asked nonchalantly, though he knew very well what she was referring to.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, Clay." Clay blinked.  Her usual tone was not so snappy, even when irritated.

"It was a mistake." Beth dropped her eyes to her hands that were hidden in her sweater sleeves.

"Um, yeah I mean... Yeah. But why did you…?" Clay grinned sarcastically.

"We were both a wreck that night. I figured it was what you wanted. It was a mistake. I wouldn't want to ruin your relationship with Max." Building up all of his confidence, he glanced into her eyes. A glimmer of pain flashed but Beth blinked it away.

"Don't tell Max about this, okay?" Clay nodded.

"Of course." Beth shivered. Clay noticed and peeled off his coat, wrapping it around her. She smiled up at him. Both had an overwhelming urge to kiss one another as their eyes met. Clay thought she looked so vulnerable, so he pulled her into a hug. Her head rested on his chest.

"I miss her a lot.” He felt her cry against him. He pulled her in tighter, resting his lips on her forehead.

“I know. Me too." He smoothed her hair down and sighed.

 

I love you, Beth. The words rang in his head and mocked his weakness. He couldn't say it. He loved her too much. It filled his lungs and chest like water would, suffocating him.

The words would not come out, no matter how hard he tried to rid his bones of them.

April 12, 2007

"Happy Birthday Clay!" His mother sang as she presented Clay with a fully overdone cake. He smiled, though his mind was on Beth. He hadn't seen her all week and he prayed she wouldn't forget. After kissing his mother on the cheek, he cut himself a piece of cake and sat out on the back deck.

"Clay?" Beth approached the deck.  He stood up and held his hand out to help her up the stairs. He was raised to be a gentleman, as Beth knew all too well. As their eyes met, she blushed and turned away. "Happy birthday." He cocked his head and looked into her eyes.

"Thank you." He smirked. 

"I thought I'd look nice for my best friend's birthday party." Clay's eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Party? It's just my mom and me." Beth grabbed his hand and pulled him closer to her. The urge to kiss her smacked him in the face. She blushed again.

"Not anymore." She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him. His hands found her waist and he pulled her up close to him.

"Max and I broke up." She whispered in his ear. He let go of her.

"Oh god Beth, what happened? Sit down." She smoothed her dress and sat down, crossing her legs daintily. "Mom, Beth's here, will you bring us a couple of cokes?" He shouted into the house. His mother returned soon after with two sodas.

"He just didn't feel the same way anymore I guess." She sniffled. Clay scooted his chair closer.

"He always was a bit of a tool." She smiled through her tears and sipped at her soda.

"I guess I always knew it wouldn't work out. He was never very supportive..." A sob escaped her throat. Clay couldn't handle seeing her so sad. He was unaware that anybody could ever hurt someone so beautiful.

"Beth, I..." Before he could finish she twined her fingers on the back of his neck. He watched her hair tumble down her shoulders. He was so in awe.

"I know." Leaning forward, their lips brushed. Beth paused, unsure of her actions. Clay surged forward, kissing her slightly. Beth pulled back moments later, smiling.

"It's about time!" Clay's mother whooped from the door. Beth thrust herself off of Clay and sat back in her chair.

"Ma!" Clay yelled, embarrassed.

"Sorry! Continue!" She closed the door and peeked through the window.

"Ma!” The mother's apology was muffled by the sound of the blinds being closed.

"I...Wow, um..." Beth brushed a finger across her lip, trying to process the kiss. Clay smiled into the silence. She put her hand over his and everything fit together again.

August 17, 2013

"She called me last night saying that she wanted to get back together." Clay stood beside Max and took notice of their similar build. Both skinny and tall, but somewhat built.

"Where did she call you from?"

"Arizona. Apparently she went to the house her grandfather left her."

"I didn't know he left her a house."

"Neither did I." Colette had remained silent since Max had showed up.

"I asked her about you but she just said you two didn't work out." Colette's hands bunched into fists, then loosened and met her belly worriedly.

"Clay..."

"I’m fine Colette. She’s right, we didn’t work out.” Colette, at am impatient loss for words, pointed angrily at her bloated stomach.

"No Clay, it's the baby."

"Now?!"

"NOW." Clay wasted no time in helping her up.

October 27, 2011

"Clay? Clay!" His mother called from her bedroom. He slipped a flannel over his head and stumbled tiredly to his mother's room. Her room was much tidier than Clay's. "I need help getting out of bed Honey." He wrapped her arm around his neck and gently rose, helping her up. In the past few years she had gotten much weaker, and though Clay never spoke of it, he was terrified of losing her. "Thank you so much.” Clay nodded and left the room for her to dress. When she emerged, he helped her down the stairs.

"When are you going to propose to her?" His mother asked as she sat down at the kitchen table. He wiped a smile off of his mouth.

"I can't afford a ring."

"Give her mine; I don't have any use for it anymore." She slipped the diamond ring off of her finger and handed it to Clay.

"I can't take this from you Mom. Dad gave this to you."

"Ah, phooey, I don't need it. Your dad would’ve wanted you to take it anyway.” Clay looked to his mother skeptically. “Take it, she deserves it." She patted Clay's hand and motioned to the kitchen sink. "Your father's ring is in that little box in the window sill."

"Mom you don't know what this means to me."

"I know you'll take good care of her Clay." She patted his hand in her matronly way, and a wave of nostalgia swept her off of her train of thought.

Clay couldn't think of anything better than Beth in a wedding dress.

October 29, 2011

"Beth?" Beth was sitting in the kitchen, hunched over a book. Her eyes lifted to his just in time for him to drop to his knee. She gasped. "I'm in love with you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I've never known anybody as beautiful as you. Will you marry me?" Her eyes shifted between his eyes and the ring that glittered in the little box. Slowly, her head fell to look at her lap.

"Clay, I can't...I..." Clay closed the box, but did not rise off of his knee. "I can't get married. I have to go." Clay became extremely confused.

"Beth, we don't have to get married, it's fine-"

"No, it's not... I'm not. I need to think." She scrambled for her coat and shoes while he stood dumbfounded.

"It's fine, don't worry about it. Go ahead."

"I think we need to take a break." Clay stopped short. Beth had made her way to the door and stopped.

"Beth, what are you saying?"

"I’m sorry." Clay shook his head.

"Whatever you want Beth." She frowned sympathetically and stepped out into the frozen air. Clay closed the door and turned around, leaning against it. His mother loomed at the top of the stairs.

"Oh Honey..." She whispered.

"It's fine, I'm... fine." He ran his fingers through his hair.

November 3, 2011

"She said she wanted to take a break." Colette and Clay were seated at his kitchen table, letting whiskey warm their bellies.

"She's scared of commitment."

"Always was." The two quieted. Clay held his head in his hands.

"Clay, look at me." He did as he was told. He'd never noticed that she had hazel eyes before.

He was unaware of why he chose his actions in the hours that followed, but they continued to burden him for years afterward. Colette kissed him, and he'd kissed her back. The biggest mistake of the drunken evening was leading her up to his bedroom.

September 15, 2011

"Clay I'm pregnant." Colette managed through her tears. The sudden urge to vomit overthrew Clay’s cluttered mind.

"Oh god... are you sure?" Colette nodded grimly. Clay’s mother loomed at the top of the stairs, listening in closely. Clay ignored her presence, as she would have found out either way.

"What are we going to do?" He hugged her as she sobbed into his shirt.

"Well, we have plenty of time to figure this out. Have you told your parents?" Colette began to sob again, increasing Clay’s guilt tenfold.

"Yeah, they kicked me out." Clay rubbed his forehead. Of course they did.

"Alright. You can stay in the guest room.” Clay’s mother shook her head wordlessly. She had raised him better than to make mistakes like this.

"Clay?"

"What?"

"Thank you." He nodded wordlessly and held the shaking girl.

December 16, 2011

 

Clay stood before the aged, overrun tree house.  He hadn't been out there for almost four years.

"Clay?" He turned around. Beth was wrapped in one of his flannels.

"Hi, Beth..."

"I'm sorry I've been so distant, I've just been really busy working..."

"It's fine, I uh...I need to tell you something." She inched forward, now only a few feet from him.

"Anything." He winced, knowing he was about to break everything he'd gathered over the years.

"Colette's pregnant." She gasped.

"Who's baby is it?" Clay was so ashamed that he looked at his feet and cleared his throat. "No." He nodded, still refraining from eye contact. "Clay you didn't!" She punched his chest. Rubbing it, he watched her anger grow to sadness through his own tears. "I can't believe you!" She wept. He licked his lips, trying to find the right words.

"I know, I'm sorry."

"No you don't know! She's pregnant with your child, Clay! Just two months ago you wanted to marry me!" Her face was a crimson tint.

"I'm staying with Colette, Beth." She stopped to process it.

"Excuse me?" Clay swallowed the words he wanted to say. He wanted to tell her he loved her. He wanted to tell her it was the biggest mistake of his life and he couldn't sleep without knowing where she was. He never wanted to be with anyone else but her. But then again, she wasn't the one pregnant with his child.

"I'm staying with her. I can’t just abandon her. You were right, you're better off without me anyway." She grew angry.

"So you tried so hard to get me with you, but now you expect me to believe that you've changed your mind?" He bowed his head and glimpsed into the eyes of his love. She chuckled sarcastically and stormed off, leaving Clay with regrets.

August 8, 2012

Clay sat on the top step in front of the tree house, smoking a cigarette. He shut his eyes and tried to force the pain away, to no avail. Colette was due within the month and he hadn't seen Beth since that afternoon in the forest. 

"You don't smoke." Beth's voice rang out.

"Beth you scared me! Do you stay out here and wait for me?" She folded her arms across her chest and tipped her head.

"I haven't seen you in eight months, and that's all you have to say to me?" He scratched his head. 

"I know. I'm sorry. How have you been?"

 "Fine." She did not release her guard. Clay slid off of the steps smoothly and eased towards her, urging to hold her but held back by Colette's chains.

"How have you actually been?" 

"Well, eight months ago the guy who asked me to marry him knocked up my best friend and chose her over me. Why don't you guess?"

"Beth I'm sorry. I can't tell you that enough." Beth huffed unhappily.

"Just tell me now. Do you have any feelings left for me?" Clay shoved past her and strode towards the house. About five steps past her, he stopped short.

"Of course. But-" 

“She’s pregnant. I’m aware.” She walked off, leaving him to swallow his words.

August 20, 2012

 

"Would you like to hold your baby?" Colette nodded as she held her hand to her mouth and cried. Clay squeezed her other hand and took a deep breath as the doctor handed the baby over. 

Clay looked into the eyes of his daughter and sobbed.

“She looks like her.” Colette cried. Clay just nodded, watching his daughter’s blue eyes stare at him in wonder. The quiet of the room weighed down his chest. Colette’s parents came in and congratulated the two, as did Clay’s mother and a few friends. The conversations that passed that day were an inky blur, and the only clear moment was his daughter’s eyes.

After everyone had left, Colette handed the child to Clay.

“What should we name her?” She asked. The baby wrapped her tiny pruned finger around Clay’s worn one and grinned.

“She looks like Marcie.” Colette glanced over at the two.

“We can’t do that to Beth. You know we can’t.”

 “I was just saying.” The only sound was the fizzling thermostat from the corner.

“What are we going to do, Clay?” Colette’s eyes began to swell. 

“I don’t know.”

“I won’t force you to pretend that you love me, because I know you don’t. I just need you to be here for me and that baby, okay?” Clay dipped his head acceptingly.

“I would never leave you alone to fend for yourself. I grew up without a father most of my life, and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody, especially not my own child.” Colette smoothed the sheets beside her in motion to sit down. He did as she asked, and together they watched their baby sleep.

August 20, 2018

They had decided to name the baby Maggie, as that was Colette’s sister’s name. Neither Clay nor Colette had seen or heard from Beth since Maggie’s birth.

The knock barely reached Clay’s ears, but it did. Excusing himself, he went to answer it before recognizing the old car that was parked outside. Footsteps paced the doorstep, then pounded back down the steps. Clay opened the door.

“Hi Beth.” Beth turned to face him shamefully, as he had just caught her letting her fear get the best of her. 

“Hello, Clay.” The words hung lower than the August heat. He stepped out of the way of the door, as if to offer her in, but she refused.

Beth turned to leave but then stopped herself.

“She’s six now?” The air around them was quiet.

“Yes.”

“May I come in?”

Beth wrung her hands anxiously as she looked from Clay to Colette, who had just appeared in the doorway.. They welcomed her graciously and offered her a seat at the table. Maggie peered from the living room curiously.

“Maggie, will you please come in here? There’s someone we want you to meet.” The girl stepped forward. Clay watched his daughter approach his first love shyly.

“Who are you?” Maggie asked.

“I’m Beth. I’m a…friend of your parents.” Maggie smiled, and Beth began to cry.

“She does look like her,” Beth said shakily. Clay sat by and watched. Maggie sat down beside Beth and held her hand.

“Don’t cry, it’s okay!” The girl pleaded. Beth smiled, tears cascading down her cheeks, and just watched at the child that should’ve been hers. 

After a while they all settled in the living room, the adults with coffee and Maggie with some hot chocolate. Beth explained how she had gone to college for a while, and was now working at a small company a few towns away, and Clay explained how the town had changed in the six years she had been gone. Colette talked about her new job an0d Beth pretended to be interested as she watched Colette hold Clay’s hand. Clay remained quiet throughout the majority of the conversation.

“Well, I better get going, it’s late.” Beth sighed as she rose from her seat. Maggie hugged her leg.

“Come back soon, okay?” Beth looked to Colette for permission.

“You know, Beth is pretty busy, but I think we’d all love her to stop by.” There was clear sincerity in Colette’s voice. 

“I’ll walk you to your car,” Clay offered. Colette’s jealousy gleamed in her eyes; however she stayed in the living room with Maggie.

“She’s beautiful.” Beth swallowed her pride as they approached the car. Clay watched her calmly. “I’m happy, you know.” She announced.

“I hope so. I really do.”

“I’m with Max again. He’s changed a lot, for the better.” Clay nodded unconvincingly. Beth folded her arms defiantly, as she had a thousand times before; she did not give him the satisfaction of an argument. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too. Still do.” Beth buried her face in his chest, sniffling a little.  

“I have to go. I need to leave. I can’t do this.” Untwining herself from Clay, she opened the car door and dropped onto the seat, her eyes filling with tears. Clay leaned against the frame.

“Why do you always do this Beth? Stop running from your problems!” Clay hissed. Beth stared at him for a long while, taking in what was probably the last time she’d ever see him. 

“These aren’t my problems anymore Clay. You’re the one running from your problems.” Her tone of voice was painfully relaxed. A shiver ran up Clay’s “I want you to make sure that little girl is happy. She deserves it more than anybody.” With that she tugged the car door closed, slowly letting the engine sputter to life. Beth backed out of the driveway and bumbled down the street slowly. She did not look back. Clay stood there for some time, letting the occasional breeze soothe his mind while her words lingered like smoke in the cold. Colette called for him and asked him if he was all right and he said yes, even though he wasn’t quite sure anymore.

“Daddy, come inside!” Maggie hollered from the window. Clay obeyed, bowing graciously back into his bubble of tainted denial.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 28.03.2013

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