Hope lost and found

 It’s over. The war is over. There’s nothing more to fight for.  No more cards to play. Sa Ha has won. Leez is dying and everything I have done is in vain. 

Everybody is looking at Leez. Her almost lifeless body is sprawled on the long wooden table. There’s blood pooling under the table. It’s slowly sipping from the knife wound in her chest. Gandarva already tried to heal her with his transcendals. Hoti Asvins is useless. Even Hoti Visnu is powerless. Everyone has lost hope. They all look terrified. They all grieve her death.  Yuta went outside a while ago and is trashing the nearby mountain. He’s seeking Sa Ha. He thought he would stop caring once she’s gone. He hasn’t. Mirha is crying like a baby. Everyone else is set in mournfull silence.

‘’ Leez is not dead yet’’ , I whisper, but no one seems to hear me.

I should let it go. I can still win. All I need to do is find SaHa, kill him and steal from him the power he took from Leez. It’s what I should do. It’s what I’ve wanted all these years. All of it for my revenge, all the blood on my hands has been for revenge.  Now, all I have to do is let her die and I can win. 

But Rao’s voice in my head doesn’t let me do it. His trust in me, complete and unwavering, is a dam between me and my victory. He was the only one who truly believed in me.  In order to win I have to let him down. I have to trample on his dearest wish.

‘’All I have ever wanted was for Kubera to be happy.’’ His words play again and gain in my mind. I’ve wished so many times to be able to erase them from my mind, to simply forget them.  I wish I could ignore those words. I wish  I could ignore my heart. I’m so tired of fighting my heart. Sometimes I wish I didn’t had one, then this wouldn’t be so hard.

I bite my lip as hard as I can. Blood sips out but I can no longer ignore this heart of mine. For too long I’ve kept her locked up, imprisoned.  I did everything the way I thought was best. My plans, my reasoning were flawless. I shoudn’t feel regret. I shouldn’t feel pain.  I wonder, what would you have done in my place Leez?  Leez… I couldn’t be happy even if  won. I wonder if you could be happy.

‘’Idha Etu Kubera’’

The spell slips through my lips unbidden. All the hope, all the pain in my heart go in that desperate plea. The last card has been played. No more regrets.  They’ll all live. They’ll all have another chance to be happy.  I only need to discard something useless.

A light footstep draws my attention. A little boy clad in a black cloack grabs my hand. His golden eyes are swimming with tears.

‘’Please don’t make me do this’’, he whispers shakily.

I look at him and I remember a long gone time, a time when I was still inocent. There was such a time. A time when I was happy. A place where I believed I would one day have a family. A family with the child in front of me. I thought I would always be by his side. I thought he was my friend and I trusted him completely. 

‘’My decision is made.’’,  I tell  him ignoring the tears altough they shake every fiber of my heart. I  have never seen him cry before. Sad looking, yes. Crying? Never. It makes me wonder… It takes me back to the days when I believed in him.

‘’Please…I’m begging you.’’ he whispers squeezing my  hand tightly and grabbing on to my cloack.

‘’Save her. She has to live…’’

‘’Why ?’’ , he cuts in. ‘’Why does she have to live? You don’t need her to win.’’

‘’I know. But I’ve made my choice.’’

He watches me for a few moments, his childish face squirming in angst.

‘’What if I don’t want to do it?’’ he asks stubbornly.

‘’That is your choice too.’’

I don’t dare to look at him. The plea in his eyes is confusing me. After all this time when I thought I meant nothing to him, his behaviour makes no sense.

‘’I don’t want you to die. I don’t want to be the one who takes your life.’’ he tries again.

‘’We don’t always get what we want.’’I reply coldly.

I try to remind myself that my senses are playing trick on me. My mind is deluded by the fond memories of a childhood made out of lies. He’s doing the same now. He’s trying to manipulate me. He doesn’t care. He has never cared. To believe anything else would be a huge delusion.

Tears start falling down his face and down on the floor mixing with the pool of blood. Tears and blood. What a fitting combination for the fate of those who are played by the gods.

‘’As you wish. I’ll save her.’’

He grabs with his other hand one of Leez’s.  Earth magic starts flowing through my body back to his and then back to Leez. The shard of power he gave me all those years ago will save her.

‘’What if what I gave you is not enough to save her?’’ he asks as if answering my thoughts. Which he probably is. I must have been careless and let him read my thoughts. But now is to late to worry about that.

‘’Take all it takes to save her’’ I tell him, finally staring into his golden eyes. I am there. But the reflection in his eyes is weird. I see someone I don’t recognise.

His lips start shivering but he doesn’t stop, he doesn’t let go of either one of us, me or Leez. Her body is envelopped in golden ribbons and her wounds begin to heal.

The others realise what is happening and finally react. As Leez heals I begin to feel weakness in my bones. His form changes too and he becomes and adult.  Grey hair is beautiful, I think. I’ve always thought that. I wonder if I’ve ever told him that. When I was a child I thought he was huge and a little bit terryfing . Now, as my knees fall under me and he grabs my waist I feel safe in his arms. I wish I could have spent more time with you. Is that a regret? Can he hear that thought? Would it have mattered to him? I am so tired, I just want to sleep. I can finally let it go. I wonder if I can meet mother and father, and Rao.  I hope you’ll be happy Leez...

###

I can feel her heartbeat fading and there’s nothing I can do. I’ve done this myself. I’ve killed her. She fell and I wrapped her in my arms. Strands of her hair are drenched with this flood of water pooring from my eyes. I don’t understand it and I can’t stop it. Why  does it feel as if a nastika is tearing me apart in two? I wish one would do that. Maybe then this pain would go numb. I can hear her thoughts fading away. I can hear her calling death, wishing for it, seeking it like a flower seeks rain for food. I know she wants to die but all I can think of is about dragging her out if its embrace. I’m wrapped around her fragile body like a shell trying to protect its precious pearl. But I’m useless, I’m powerless.

‘’What are you doing here?’’ snaps a familiar voice.  Gandarva, I think wearily. I ignore him. Nothing matters anymore. It’s all over. Asha is amost gone.

They seem to realise that Leez is healed.

‘’What a foolish girl!’’someone says. ‘’She could have won and she  threw it all away.’’

Irrelevant. Just an annoying fly on the wall. He doesn’t know her, he doesn’t know anything about her and still he dares to speak as if he does.

‘’Why didn’t she save Leez from the beginning if she could do it? How can she be so selfish?’’

You are the selfish one. You have no idea what you are talking about.

‘’This must be the punishment  for your sins.’’ says someone.

‘’Punisment?’’ I whisper outloud. ‘’Is that so?’’

‘’No.’’

I recognise the voice and look up. A young man with wavy green hair watches me with sad eyes.

‘’No.’’ he says again. ‘’I had no other choice.’’

A sudden realisation hits me. Everything happened as he wished it.

‘’That’s true.’’, he answers.

‘’Why her?’’ I ask. I should probably be angry, furious but I can’t bring myself to feel any of that. I ask from a lingering curiosity. A weird saddistic urge to know the mechanism behind her death.

‘’It had to be her. It couldn’t have been anyone else. Who else would have managed  to move your heart? Who else would have tempted you to take an interest in the girl? Who else would have given up the victory to save her? Who else could have persuaded you to save her?’’

So, it was a punisment, I think numbly. I destroyed her. Everything she has been through is my fault.

‘’I know it seems that way but that’s not true. I’m not that cruel. I simply had no other choice but to manipulate you to save everyone, to prevent the world from disappearing. I never meant for you to find her, to care for her, just so you can lose her.’’

‘’Regardless, I started everything, so it seems to be a fitting punishment. To fix what I broke I have to take the life of the one I love most with my own hands. But why should she be punished for my sins?’’

Visnu didn’t answer. But I guess there is no good answer. His choices are not always fair, but he can’t afford to be fair.

‘’What happens to me now? Do I disappear?’’

Silence again. After a long moment he answered in my head .

‘’No. You’ll be around for all eternity, a shadow of your former  self.’’

‘’Will I ever  forget?’’ I ask the same way.

‘’No, never.’’

‘’I guess this pain will be her revenge.’’ I tell him. ‘’ Can I see her again?’’

‘’No, you can’t. Not now. Maybe, one day. But I can take her a message from you if you want.’’

I could feel the warmth slip away from the body I held, the heartbeat stop, the spirit going forth into death.

‘’Tell her I’ll find her. ‘’

‘’That’s it?’’

‘’Yes. I’ll tell her the rest when I see her. ‘’

I took the little body and left without looking around. The girl she died to save slept peacefuly. So peacefuly you couldn’t have seen that she had been one step away from death just moments before.

‘’Tell me your wish, Mister, and I’ll grant it.’’

What a silly child. To think she could grant a god’s wish. On a whim I let my thought be carried in her mind,

‘’I wish I could be human just once. I wish for a human lifetime and I wish to spend it with Asha .’’

 

The End

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 22.03.2015

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