The First Entry

Back in the corner once again,

lonely and forgotten...very condemned.

When will I see the other side?

The other side? A better side?

Without pain, without weakness,

without storms, without bleakness.

How many days are there left in the countdown?

The countdown whithin death itself?

The countdown in which I, possibly, take a life?

Whether my own or a creature's is not under judgement.

For I know the wish I want and the chaos I bring.

 

I close my notebook with a sigh. My first entry of the day in this damned journal is over with. I sit in my debate class silently wondering why I have to put up with people. Humans in general. I was using one of my sorry excuses again of course, but I can't help that my feelings change so easily. My idiotic teacher droned on and on, I raised my hand impatiently.

"Sir, can I go to the library?" My voice echoed around the room, sounding like a silent plea for help to have any reason to get out of this class. With a sigh he answered, "Yes, thats fine go ahead." I hurriedly packed my bag and left. Before I left I honestly wanted to say 'Fuck you all! And have a bad day.' Then that would lead to me sitting in an office waiting on an ass whooping when I got home.

I took a turn down the long hallway and started to get into my own world as different thoughts popped into my head. The usual what am I eating for dinner? was a good one to have and ceases to surprise me. I don't eat too much though. I'm not anorexic don't get me wrong, but I'm just not usually hungry, and the fact that I haven't eaten any lunch at school for the past 3 months doesn't sound too great either. As I see the library come in to view I can't help but get a little excited of my safe haven. DON'T CALL ME A DORK. It's just a place where I can run away from everything and it makes me feel like I can still live as I want without the surge of pain every two seconds.

 I honestly think I found a way through the pain. A type of getaway not physically, but mentally. So far its worked, but I get too deep into depression for it to always work. I should try writing in my journal about that. Ways to release the pain. Ways to not cry yourself to sleep every night. Ways to... I don't know... Maybe another entry. Just to keep my therapist at bay. I sat down at a table and opened my journal to a clean blank page.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Days Away

-A Few Months Later-

 

 

 

How can you seriously say that you know me, when I don't fully know myself, yet?

Take the fact that I'm still drowning while everyone around me is breathing.

I have to find a way out on my own.

No one knows my brain, no one knows my pain, no one knows ME.

If they did, if they even glanced at was found in my mind.

Sorry to say, it wouldn't be pretty.

 

 

I closed my journal once again. Summer is almost over even though the days are still hot and the sun still says hello above my head. I figured a trip into my mind writing my thoughts in my journal wouldn't hurt, even if it was only for a little while. Not only am I a library freak, but I am also a band freak. Band camp starts tomorrow and the dying heat filled with heated attitudes aren't two things that make a great mix. Will I survive? I don't know.

 I'm thinking all of this to myself as I walk into my nicely temperatured room. I keep my air conditioner on a good 69. Yeah, say its childish of me to keep it that way? No its childish of you to think that way. 69 always makes me think of Ying and Yang, my favorite symbol. For me it's a symbol of equality. I wish the world could be even close to that. I stare at the many posters glued, taped, and even tacked onto my sky blue wall. I sigh as I notice some spots are empty and blank, I don't like that. Many pictures, writings, and even drawings fill my walls and I like it that way, when I see an empty spot, its like a blur in my vision, the only spot I see through all the hundreds of colors found there. Its kind of how my brain works, I look at everything, but also look at one thing. Focus, but unfocused you could say.

"Take me to Neverland Peter Pan, its the only way I can get away from this hell." I silently whisper to myself as I turn onto my back laying on my bed. I stare up at the ceiling wondering what life is going to bring me for tommorrow, whether it will be up or down, happy or sad, mad or glad. I always had a thing for wanting to see the future, but I may speak of that some other time. The future... No one knows what it truly beholds, I just can't help but hope it holds patience and love at the end of the harships and struggles. I think that's what everyone wants... Had to give you a glimpse of what I think about from time to time. Speaking of time, another journal entry sounds about right to do now...

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 01.05.2014

Alle Rechte vorbehalten

Widmung:
For all the people that think life is just a big blur, or even people that think life is too slow. The people that want to give up or even the people that need help. Find a way. There's always a way.