Prologue

PROLOGUE
 On the second last floor of a multi-storey building in the posh  area of the city, a girl is sitting in a movable chair behind a glass table with her head buried in a file. It's morning time but she looks busy. On the wall behind her there is a backless wooden book rack packed with files of various colours and sizes. On her left is a marker board which is devoid of any pen marks. Near the marker board stands a canvas with a blank paper on it. On the right hand side there is a wooden table kept just next to the glass table with a fax machine on it. To her right is a pin board covered with red velvet with a lot of photographs neatly pinned on its left side in a grid pattern. The photographs look like as if the persons were happy when they were clicked. On the top of it a white label read “Missing” in bold black letters. Beside these there are pinned the pictures of some crime scenes and murder scenes in a haphazard way creating a collage of blood spills, weapons and gruesome dead faces. For the amount of blood spilled these scenes look fake but actually these are real crime scenes.
In the left corner of the right wall there is a glass door with office written on it in frosted letters. The floor is clean and  well carpeted, seems as if never walked upon.
On the glass table there are more photographs and some sketches which resemble the crime scenes on the pin board. A stack of visiting cards is also piled up in a corner. On her right hand side there is a pen holder with a lot of pens in it. The pens seem to be of a range of colours. On her left hand side there is a transparent glass flower vase half filled with water with fresh white tulips beautifully arranged in it. There is a small pile of files drabbed in different coloured paper covers kept in a corner of the glass table. A wooden lamp is kept the far left of the table. A wooden plaque on the table reads ‘ Anita Ellen Kumar (Private Detective)’.
Anita started this detective company five years ago after leaving her job of a government detective due to some inevitable  circumstances.
Anita closes the file and keeps it on the table. She is beautiful, has a fair complexion and an oval face with prominent cheekbones and thin lips. She is not wearing any makeup. She has tied her black hairs into a tight small pony. She is wearing her everyday formal clothes, a full sleeve button-down shirt, a tight fit black pant and a long black jacket with broad heel shoes. She is wearing a wrist watch with a broad circular dial in his left hand and a beautiful diamond ring is sparkling in her index finger.  If she is not in her office or is not wearing these formal clothes then one can never tell that she has something to do with this dangerous and disciplined job of a detective. 
The glass door opens slowly and a well built young man of medium stature comes in with a Coffee mug in one hand and a newspaper in the other.  For the few seconds the door remains open, we can listen to the staff of the detective firm doing their jobs. The door then closes slowly on its own.
 The man is of wheatish complexion, clean shaved and has combed his hairs well. He is wearing a white shirt, a blue denim jeans and a grey coat.
 “Here's your coffee Anita” said the man in firm manly voice while putting the coffee on the table along with the daily english  newspaper and a photograph which he took out of his coat pocket. The photograph is of a man who seems to be in his late 30s or early 40s. He is fair in complexion, has black hairs, black-brown eyes. The man  has grown beard and his hairs are uncombed and messy.
“Thank you Vijit.”, said Anita in a sweet but firm voice, “So what's in the news today? Do we have a new case?”
“ See for yourself. First page’s headline is for us.”
Anita picks up the newspaper, unrolls it and starts to read the news report aloud.
“Man of 35 goes missing since last night.” , read Anita and looked at Vijit with confusion.
“Read further” said he. She nods and starts reading.
“Adam Wills Crasto (35) has gone  missing since last night from his residence at Frosts'  Avenue.
Adam was last seen by his parents yesterday evening when he visited them  at their residence i.e. Flat no. 45 Amber apartments. He reached home by 8 that evening.
His mother Mrs. Crasto,  reported that she called his son last night for asking casual things but he didn't answer, so they reached his house only to find out that he’s missing. Adam lives in house number 4A , south block, Frosts’ Avenue.  They filed a missing report and are praying in hope.
Adam is described as 6”1’, well built, handsome. He is of fair complexion has black hair and black/brown eyes. He has suicidal tendencies and was seeing a psychologist. Who so ever gets to know anything, please report to the nearest police station.”
Anita finished reading and kept the newspaper back on the table.
“Who is this man do we know him?” said Anita.
“Not yet, but soon.” said Vijit pointing towards the photograph he has brought. “we are supposed to find him.”
                 -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The first page

 

 

 

 

 

 

If I am not sitting beside you while you read this then I am probably dead.

Till the day I am alive I will not allow anyone to read this diary of mine.
  - Adam Wills Crasto
          (Eurynomos)

Chapter 1

25 march                              10:00pm
When I came back home from hospital, mom again started with her monologue about me and my life. This is a common thing for me to listen to her musings and monologues about me ,my life and my future. Well what future I don’t know neither I care. All this was just as monotonous and as usual as always but this time I listened to her properly because even I too was much fed up from this numb and soulless life of mine. She suggested me to go and see a psychiatrist. She always says this ,”Oh Adam just look at yourself in a mirror and try to find out the boys which I last saw 10 years ago. Can you find him? Though there is no use of saying anything to you but still can you please go and see Dr. Nikita. Please! For me, just this time. If it didn't work I will never ask you to do anything else about it.”
So I listened to her and called on the contact no. Given on the visiting card that was always lying on the dining table as if a menu card. So I called on the number and a man spoke up from the other side.
“yes. How can i help you” said the man in a hoarse voice.
“ I.. I..(mom looked at me once). I need an appointment with Dr. Nikita Raj in the evening hours.”
“Oh sure sir, said he , your good name sir.”
“ Adam Wills Crasto” ( and there is nothing good about it. I wanted to say so but decided otherwise.)
“ Your appointment with Dr. Madam has been fixed for 6’o clock in the evening today. Anything else sir.”
“No thanks”
“pleasure sir have a nice day.” And he hung up.
I put the receiver back in place and looked at her. She came forward, hugged me and kissed me on the forehead. I stood there for a while and then went back to my place. As I was coming out I saw her crying but I just came back as I can't do anything.

At 5 in the evening I started for the hospital. Nikita Raj Sharma is the best psychologist in the city and I am going to see her for a discussion session. I reached her place at 5:30. It was a big hospital building looking as gloomy as any other hospital. I entered the building reluctantly and checked in at the reception counter. The girl at the reception told me that I have to wait for half an hour. Well I knew so but still I thanked her and sat down on one of the steel chairs in  front of the reception counter. I sat there and started to watch the surrounding walls. At the wall in front of me there is was a big diagram of human brain showing different parts labelled as medulla oblongata, cerebrum, cerebellum etc. Next to it was a plaque saying ‘silence please’. Under the plaque there was a big chart enlisting the symptoms of depression. So I tried to check for any symptoms of depression in me. As I read the first few lines, I was sure that I had depression and that too at a very dangerous state. I tried to divert my mind by looking at the other patients sitting there. Most of the people sitting there looked as normal as any other human being on the earth. Some were of my age while some were younger. Most of them looked confused like me but still its a hospital and not a shopping mall, It's common to be disturbed and tensed here.  To my right is a partition made by joining  planks of a aluminium which had a frosted glass door to enter. I was just observing the cream coloured walls when the receptionist suddenly said my name and I stood up to enter the other side of the aluminium partition.
As I crossed the partition I saw the world changing. The place at which I was standing was a big hall entered from the aluminium partition. The big hall had  beautifully decorated walls and very beautiful candlesticks on them.  The hall was painted in blue colour and had sofas of different sizes lying in a haphazard but still beautiful way. On the wall opposite to the partition there was a beautiful wooden door which said come in. I entered the wooden door and found myself standing in a big drawing room. The room had a glass table in the centre which was surrounded by couches and an arm chair. A bookshelf on the left to the couches was packed with books of various genres including fiction, mystery and psychology. The walls were  decorated with paintings by Dali and other famous painters. Whosoever collected these had a great taste for art. The floor was carpeted thickly and was very clean. The room smelled of roses and lavenders. I sat on a couch against the armchair. Behind the armchair there was a small door which seemed to be a restroom. After a while the door opened and she entered the room. I stood up to greet her but she nodded me to sit down.
She then made herself comfortable in the wooden armchair and said, “Sorry to keep you waiting. I am Dr. Nikita Raj, your new friend who knows a li’l bit of psychology.”
She had a very beautiful voice but she was much more beautiful herself. She looked like some painting Vinci would have made. She was tall and slim, had a very beautiful face which looked like as if made very carefully by combining the sheen of stars and the glow of the moon. She was wearing casual clothes. A denim jeans and a cotton shirt with a scarf round her neck. She had put on slight make. Her looks though grave as suited to her job were still soothing. 
 “It's ok.”
“What's your name”
“Adam Wills Crasto” (Eurynomos I wanted to say but thought better of it.)
“Christian?”
“I don't have faith”
“Ok. Why are you here Adam?.......Can I call you Adam?”
“Yeah Sure........”
There was a moment of silence but it seemed as if hours past by. Finally she spoke, “ See Adam it is very important for you too speak. If you will not let your things come out then I won't be able to help you. Please tell me”
“I.... I am not sure if it is good to speak about my condition. I am much more intricately messed up than you can imagine” said I irritatingly.
“ Ok Adam. Let me help you in this. Just tell me what has forced you to come here.”
“ I've tried to kill myself last night for the 5th time this year” i said hastily.
“Would you like to tell me the reason Adam”
“ I would have told u I f I knew. But the thing is that I don't know the actual reason myself. Something overpowers me and compels me to hurt myself.”
“ Well Adam it is a trait of the patients of suicidal tendencies. Can you tell us what triggers the feeling of suicide in you”
“ I try to die whenever I watch someone being ditched or I read a book with a sad ending or somebody tells me that I am not worthy.”
She looked at the my hands for a while. I was rubbing my hands continuously from the very beginning of the session.
“Adam first of all you are not going to die. So don't panic. It's just a small psychological problem. What you have to do is to start writing a diary in which you will have to explore different aspects of your life from the very beginning.”
“Are you asking me to write an autobiography?”
“Not really but yes you can put it like that. Ok and we will meet after a week. Do write a diary.”
“Ok and thank you.”
“Thank you. Mr. Crasto. Meet you after a week.”
“Thank you” I said and came back. So as she asked me I have started to write diary. I should leave now. Hope to write again.
                                                       Eurynomos....................

            -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
 

Chapter 2

26 march            10:3Opm                    
I think I should start by introducing me. I am Adam Wills Crasto but I prefer to be addressed as Eurynomos. I was born to Wills Augustus Crasto ( my so called biological father) and Sumita Goswami on 29 October 1979. Yes on the anniversary of ‘Black Tuesday’. The day which is supposed to be the starting of the great depression but I am not going to discuss that as I have the least possible knowledge about it. It's just a sheer coincidence that the most depressed man on earth was born on the anniversary of the most depressing day.
Well moving further, at present I am 34, college dropout , actually jobless but an artist by profession, art lover, single and yes the most important thing about me- have suicidal tendencies. In the further days of my life (if left any) I will write about the happenings of my life in this diary. So that’s all for today. I should leave now. Hope to write again.
                          Eurynomos…………
 

Chapter 3

 27 March                        10:19 pm                                     

My childhood. Well it looks like I had a childhood as common and general as any other kid. Being the son of two people coming from different religion I was  given the religious education for both the religions and was always told that god is one and omnipresent. I was frequently told about how to behave, how to talk to people, respect elders, be kind to others, make good friends etc. etc.
When I was 3 and a half years old my parent got me admitted into an English medium school which all the middle class people are supposed to afford but…..
So I went there to start my life of education. My school was not a big school neither It was a convent. It was a three story square building with about 30-35 rooms and gave education to children up to 5th  standard. Teachers were all good and kind and I made a lot of friends without knowing the true meanings of friendship. Life out of school was somewhat different as compared to other kids of my age. My parents were quite overprotective when it came to me as I was the only child they had or if I put it clearly my mother wasn’t able to get pregnant again due to some problems which occurred at the time of my birth. I am told that at the time of my birth doctors said that we can save only one life either mine or my mother’s. My father who was going to become a father after 5 years of his married life said to the doctors that he wanted both of us alive otherwise he will get all of them jailed. Well by some miracle both me and my mother were saved but my mother lost her uterus and hence lost all hopes to become a mother again.
So I was the only child they had and they wanted me to grow up to be the best of all men in the world. So In accordance with these things I was kept away from all the things that could have spoiled me and kept me from being what I ought to be. So I was not allowed to play outside, I was not allowed to go anywhere, I was not allowed to talk to any people unless my parents wanted me to.
In this way I went through my childhood. I made friends in my school which was now upgraded to a senior secondary school. I was good to everybody, all the people out there were my friends, I had no enemies, I was as comfortable with girls as I was with the boys. All was going good or at least I thought everything was going good. I was happy despite of being a boy as ok less boyish as one could be, I was like those people who are so helpless and hopeless that nothing provokes them. I was just living a life which every child on earth will despise. As I reached the age of 13, i.e. as I approached that point of life which most of the children look forward to or which most of guys see as the opportunity to have fun of their life, i was the most unextraordinary child in the room. I was not sporty, i had no real talents, i never knew most of the things that people knew before hand, i was, most of the times, at mercy of my friends, i was so lean and thin that I would have fainted if did an actual kind of physical activity. But all these I realised very late when people started to point these things out by putting a finger in my eyes and showing me that what a worst Kind of git I am.
It's always interesting to be the matter of jokes to everyone, isn't it? I was nobody's matter of concern but everybody's matter of laughter.  Well haven't got any jokes in the house? no problem we have Adam. Let's just play about with Adam let us just throw him up like a ball, call him names, mash up his confidence, get the hell out of him and make him follow you across the school compound and field and yes u can always laugh at the way Adam eats , the way  Adam walks, the way Adam runs, the way Adam do things, the way Adam is the worst outcast, the way Adam relies on everyone, the way Adam can never hit you, the way Adam hits you, the way Adam is so girly, the way can befooled around and all the ways in which Adam is funniest joker in the room.
Eurynomos...........

Chapter 4

28 march                          10:10pm                        

They say,” school life is the best life one can have”, do you know what I say to it?. I say that , School life is the worst life one can have.
My school life was good in the only sense that I had some loving teachers otherwise I was never exited to go to school. Going to school meant for me going to a place where u present yourself to people and let them mock you, hit you, call you names, let them make you  run behind them. The people in my school which I used to call friends were so over concerned for me that they always volunteered to correct me , to change me and to mould me. I don’t know why but people always wanted to change me. My so called friends never tried to take me as I am. They always tried to tell Adam how wrong he was, how bad he was, how hellish he was, how non boyish he was, how he was born with the wrong gender etc. etc. etc.
I don't know who is that genius or to whom this work of intelligence belonged to? But w what  I know is that the person who made a fixed set of rules about being a girl or a boy was himself a disguised prototype of early man living in mid of modern people.
So following these set of rules, there came a time when the most weird and stupid git of the school, Adam Wills Crasto was officially declared as a girl or a transgender to be more precise. People always had jokes to crack about me. Whenever I went past some of them , i could  always see the tinge of happiness and a streak of mischief in their eyes. Never came a day when Adam was laughed upon, or kicked In public or insulted in his best times. The best thing my ‘friends’ used to do was they kicked me not physically but superficially, like they will say such a thing about you that you will become pretty sure that you are born on this earth for no purpose and hence either you should get yourself locked or should go and die.
They everyday told you, either this way or other that you are worthless and why the hell you are born and nobody needs you. They make you think that there is something wrong with yourself. You will be forced to think that whatever that is happening is to you is your fault. And yes they made me feel the same and I decided to end my life and that is how I tried to commit suicide for the first time. I should leave now. Hope to write again.
                            Eurynomos.........
 

Chapter 5

 30 march.                  10:04pm
There are people in this world who are so self absorbed and are so devoid of human feelings that they do not care about the feelings of other people. They use others for their own purposes and when  it becomes clear to them that you are not of any use any more they just kick you out of their life and will behave as if they don't even know about your existence.  I met a lot of people like this. Most of my so called friends were of the same breed of humans as described above. So whenever my classmates needed a write up, a piece of poetry or some other kind of help they would start to treat me as one of  the most important persons of their life. But after sometime they got so used to my help that they asked for help in the same way as you treat a stray dog.
There was a friend of mine who was too much too smart that he all his school life he behaved too much too friendly to me that I never ever saw what was there in the store for me. I can't take his name as still somewhere in the most conspicuous corner of my heart he is there as s friend. So he was smart, much more intelligent than me, had a good sporty personality and was so good in his opinions about everything. He was the child that most parents dream for. He was the best example of that race of mechanised humans who do calculations of profit and loss even for taking breath. He was my friend from the very first days of my school life. When we reached teenage he very comfortably moulded himself like the other kids at school did and became one of the super modernised people for whom what only matters is their own interest and they don't care for anyone else's feelings or anything. There came a time when I felt the most insulted in my whole .
It was a summer day in school and we were out of our classes in the grounds and were talking in a group. As always I was in the group but was not a part of that group. In that group of elite people who were the best friends of my friend I was not allowed to say anything because a wretched git can't have opinions. I was there so that they can laugh upon me whenever needed.  So I said something to him and he ignored. I thought he didn't listen carefully so  repeated again but he again ignored me. I was standing there right  in front of him saying something and he was looking here and there blankly or talking to somebody else. He pretended as if I don't exist and i was like saying the things again and again. Then he suddenly walked away as if i am not there and I stood there with tears in my eyes, my face flushed red, looking down at my feet. Everyone around me knew what just happened. That was the death blow to my friendship to him. After some months the school got over and our ways parted.
I never talked to him again.
I should leave now. Hope to write again.
                   Eurynomos.........

Impressum

Texte: Sudhansh Sharma
Lektorat: Sudhansh Sharma
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 22.05.2017

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To my mum and papa Love u both ❤❤