November 2, 2009
The Path Not Taken


I walked the same path all the way up until I graduated from high school. I made it there with minor stumbles. With the diploma in my hand, another path opened in front of me. So I began to walk that path, afraid and confident at the same time. As I walked I saw people applauding me while others sneered, wishing that I would fall. I waved at them, nodded my head and kept walking. Then my brother was killed, and I suddenly fell down. Not only did I fall, but the ground in which I fell against turned into quicksand and I began to become absorbed into it. Sinking into it, I could see the faces of everyone’s momentary sadness. A few hands appeared to me out of sympathy, but weren’t genuine because as soon as I grabbed for them, they removed their hands, and the other hands just let go.

Absorbed almost completely, I forced one hand out and gripped the solid ground. And with that hand I held onto it until I was able to get my other hand free. Then slowly but surely I climbed out of the quicksand. I stood up and saw an image of my brother over me. And I started walking again. And when I told people I thought I could trust that I took an interest in women, only a couple held it in confidence while the others rushed off to announce it to the world without my approval, all the while hoping that I fall down again. I stumbled but I kept walking on. I walked and clutched the degree in my hands with honor. People looked at me with shock. Other shook their heads and walked away. Then I heard this loud applause, like I was receiving a standing ovation, and I bowed.

When I lifted up my head, a staircase unfolded in front of my eyes. As I began to walk up the stairs a few dark doors appeared on the sides of me, and as soon as I walked over to one, a sign glowed above it that read “No Experience: No Job.” Then as I looked around, they all read the same sign. The people that sneered at me from the beginning appeared, relishing the sight. As I tried to walk up the stairs I tripped and almost fell down them. They started to laugh. I looked at them and then looked around me. Somewhere I had gotten lost. The room darkened and I couldn’t see anymore. So I just sat there on the stairs, sat there for two years, listening to them laughing at me. Then I heard someone talking to me, and the person wouldn’t stop talking. I couldn’t understand what the person was saying to me. I couldn’t hear what the person was saying until I heard myself say it, and believed it. I stood up again and the room became lighter. And those that were laughing at me stopped for a moment. I started walking back up the stairs. They began yelling at me to stop. I was one step away from the top of the staircase. Then someone raped me. I lost my balance and was hanging off the edge of the step. Instead of reaching out, people began to blow wind towards me so that I would fall again. And I did.

As I was falling back, I tumbled hard into a few stairs and damaged my head. The people that were there disappeared. The room was getting darker. I forced my hand to hang on to a step, refusing to fall all the way back down. I climbed back up the stairs, healing little by little. I never healed completely though. I grabbed that degree with faith. The stairs disappeared, and all these doors appeared around the room with different career options and varying salaries. I stood there at the center, looking at my choices, trying to decide if I want the one that makes the most money. Then I noticed that all the doors that offered the most money offered the least happiness. People began pointing to different doors while others mocked me. I looked for almost a year. Then everyone came again, all talking at once, pointing at me, some even yelling insults.

I looked at how far I’ve come. And when I looked back down at the path I took, I realized that most of the steps I took were not for me, it was to please others. To try to be an example. For people to be proud. For people to leave me alone. Then this door without a sign started to glow. It shined so bright that all the other doors began to look invisible. I started walking towards that door with confidence. Then everyone started yelling so loud it felt like my ears would bleed. I clutched my ears tightly to shut them out. They were shouting disappointments, shouting that I won’t be respected, shouting that I’m not respected. My nephew yelled that he wanted to be better than me because I don’t have a job and I live in a separate house above my mother. My grandmother yelled that people don’t respect people without a job. I heard about other family members talking about me too behind my back. One of my friends yelled “Fuck a dream!” Then I heard my mother quietly say, “Why don’t you just get a real job so that people can stop talking about you.”

I stopped and thought hard. Should I listen to them and give up what would make me happy just to please them, or should I go through that door where uncertainty lies amongst my goal. I screamed. I screamed until all the voices and faces shattered and I fell down to my knees from exhaustion. Then an image of me appeared and stood me back up again. I walked myself to the glowing door with no label. Me, my only and true supporter. I opened the door, and walked in.


October 20, 2009
Dreams...


Dreams. It seems like everyone around me has given up. The mere thought of having a dream seems ludicrous. Teachers as well as others have instilled in us to follow our dreams. Then we get older and seem to forget about them, think they’re impossible, or not even worth our time. We often hear that line that we are afraid to follow our dreams from fear of failing, and worse fear of succeeding. However, no matter how many times I hear that line, it never becomes untrue. I find myself surrounded by those who have given up and are just living to survive and be comfortable, but I want more than that. If we only have one life, why live it just existing? Why not take a chance on something in your heart. Why try to live the straight and narrow, the easy path. Why not dig deep inside yourself and remember that dream that you had when you were a child and just do it. It may not be easy but what really is? They say that the things that are worth having are the things that are worth fighting for. If you’re afraid of rejection, hey, you can be rejected doing the same things you do already. If you are afraid of succeeding, don’t be, because that’s what you’re striving for. In life it is true what they say when you have a dream there are going to be people that come around to tell you how foolish you are. They’ll make you seem like you’re just making excuses to not have a decent living. Don’t live by others’ standards. You know who you are and you don’t have to have the approval of others to be yourself and live out your life the way you see fit. I say to that person who has the dream to keep on dreaming, not only that, but to make it into a reality. And if you’ve heard this all before, so what, obviously you’re hearing it for a reason, and you’re going to keep hearing it until you do something about it. Don’t let excuses deter your dreams. We have them for a reason. It’s because through dreams, all things are possible. And through you they come true.


July 23, 2008
For the Love of Black Gold


Nigeria...


They say a picture says a thousand words, but you can't really understand unless you are affected. Experience watching your land destroyed, once beautiful and lush, now lush with oil. Treading through oil slicks, and spills and leaks. This black gold slipping through your toes, squishing underneath your feet.


Your daily commute outlined with pipes, a flare in your backyard that causes 24 hours of light, depriving of natural night. Light that has continued to burn for years. Watching this light, this flare, the reason in many ways why so much has disappeared. Teachers and classmates, dirt replacing grass. This desolation, this deforestation, pollution, this acid rain. Destruction of habitats, forest, animal, and marine. With all this going on, it's no wonder why water is so unclean. Pollution, bodies riddled with rashes, tumors, cancer. So much malnutrition, what is the likely answer? Pollution, with water and food so scarce, it seems like there is no likely solution, but for many women and children, their solution is prostitution.


Imagine a constant threat of out of control gas flares and bursting pipes. An image in your head that you know too well, extinguishing life. Life, degradation, a nation unraveling in this civil war because their homes and peaceful protesters are destroyed by the police and military to silence the poor. A divide and rule policy that fuels this war. It is the villagers that suffer as the money flows in, the government sits comfortably and none of which received by the poor. No compensation. Money is the issue, this liquid gold at hand. But what really is this price but a sacrifice to much of natural life, and land.


July 22, 2008
What IF...


What if someone told you that life was nothing but a game?

That you were just wondering aimlessly?

That your life really has no purpose?

How would you play?

Would you just live life to feel like it is not a game, to feel like you have a purpose?

Would you work that nine-to-five job for the rest of your life, and wait until you're 92 to enjoy that good o'l retirement?

Would you live from check to check in order to sustain your way of living?

Would you go off and explore the world?

Would you turn to a life of crime?

Would you spend the rest of your life incarcerated, or any portion of it?

Would you live that good o'l American dream with the nice house and car, children, pet, spouse, and that garden?

Would you focus on improving yourself?

Would you go out looking for love, in things, in people?

Fight wars, turn to religion and play that tug of war game?

What would you do?

If you found out that you really weren't free?

That everything is being dictated by rules (law, religion, the universe)?

That you have no control?

That you're just a puppet whose strings are being pulled?

Would you act like what is being said is nonsense and go back to living your life, absorbing everthing that you see and hear as the truth, never questioning anything?


June 26, 2008
The Vicious Cycle


It's that thing where someone does something to you because it's been done to them and

It's that thing where you see yourself doing what someone has already done to you and

It's that thing where you do something and it comes back to you.


The Vicious Cycle is repeating the same mistakes

Not learning from your past

Taking something new and putting old into it

Not letting go of your past.


This Vicious Cycle is what corrupts society

What destroys relationships

Is fueled by negativity and insecurity

It is what corrupts you and me.


So let go

We can't take back our pasts

So let go

With every passing second the world has changed

So let it go

And if you want to hold on to the Vicious Cycle

Then use it to better yourself

Remember what goes around comes around.


May 25, 2008
Bona Fide...


An open field.

The grass is a lush green.

Fresh blades cut through the air.

Multitudes of flora stretch across the field swaying back and forth as the wind pushes forward creating an ephemeral essence that cannot be bottled.


The sky is a brilliant ocean blue as vivid in color as it is leaving the stroke of a paintbrush handled by Botticelli, Venus to Vulcan, beauty to my fire.

And the sun glistens as a leather shoe does after it has been polished, hitting the flowers, causing them to widen as it reflects back into the sky, passing at lightning speed, your arrow to my heart.


As the birds fly across the sky it seems in a never-ending glide just above the horizon, so to does my love soar…above valleys and mountains, never descending, prepared to elevate at a moments notice.


Floating on the same cloud,

We are together,

Peering up at the blue sky.


April 10, 2008
Local Celebrity...


It must be fame...

Because it seems in almost every conversation you find a reason to bring up my name.


It seems like I’m the new local celebrity…

Because everybody wants to know about everything that goes on in my life.


I’m the It girl…

Because every time I turn around, there you go, except not snapping photos, but going around speaking as if you write for the Inquirer.


It must be that star status…

Because you don’t even know anything about me, and yet you talk about me like you have known me my entire life.


Is it my illustriousness that causes you to hate?

Is it the reason why you believe that I’m not good enough, smart enough, not attractive, not sorority material enough to hold my position????


I don’t dress feminine enough for you? I don’t kiss @ss enough like you? Is it because I’m not in the same clique as you? Or do you hate on me because we don’t share the same characteristics, mindless and ignorant? Or maybe I’m not straight enough for you?


I’ll let you keep making me famous…

Because while you’re busy talking about me, being miserable and unhappy about yourself, I’m going to keep being me.


February 25, 2008
Lost and Found


Have you ever felt something for someone that there are no words that could express that feeling? And you feel like you've been knocked back ten or twenty years to those days of elementary.


I think love is like that. The emotion is there, and there are no words to explain it. It begins young and it matures; yet it never ends. And just when you think you are too old for something, you find out that you are still young. Love to me was like a battle I could not win. But I never lost. It has always been inside me and will remain. Like one of the greatest treasures ever buried, and even riskier to excavate, I just needed someone to help me find it again…


February 23, 2008
~X-tasy~


I wake up every morning thinking about…

I walk around all day fantasizing about…

I go to sleep at night dreaming about…

X.

Some days I feel like I cannot go without

X.

And I cannot be satisfied until I get that…

Fix.

It's like how a pregnant woman craves,

Or how an addict feans.

X is my drug.

~X-tasy~


When I get my fill…

I feel, high…

High as a kite, warm…

Fuzzy, floating among…

The clouds, been up so long,

So long, that I don't want to come down…

Come down, down, go down…

But when I do, I feel just as I did…

Flying up, high, so high that I

Fall into a trance, that only

My body can advance, onto this world unknown, but familiar to me

A place like none other,

A place full of love and hate, warmth

And compassion, hot and cold, dreams and aspirations, bliss and fantasies.

X is my drug of choice,

And for that

I cannot imagine an addiction to any other…

Drug

That is…because X is fix.

My drug

~X-tasy~


November 13, 2007
Over The Bridge


As I lied in bed last night, eyes closed, alone, trying to fall asleep, a force swept across my body like a revelation of sorts. I realized at the moment that, and it really feels interesting to say, however I realized that…I am over my Ex. It took two years in the making, but I finally feel like I'm ready to move on with my life. And no, I didn't find a replacement, I took the long way out, the road in which you find yourself again, and love yourself even more. No more spells of infinite tears, and growing pains. No more wishing that we would get back together because if we're not together now then we probably shouldn't be. No more worrying about what they're doing, who they're with, when is that phone going to ring, and when is that letter going to arrive…none of that. And no more, "Oh Woe Is Me," sitting, surrounded by sorrows that I allowed myself to be consumed by from lost loves. I'm starting a new chapter, a new beginning, a new era…a new life. Entering this world yet again with a different pair of eyes. I found something greater in me, and that is that I love myself too much to allow any sort of mistreatment of me because I am human, and I have feelings too. So, last night, that's when I knew. And there's no resentment, no bittersweet emotions because there is a lesson learned in everything. With time, anything is able to mend itself, and I have discovered that I am whole again. Ready for that next page to turn. I'm not going to dwell on relationships though, that's not my style, but if it happens, I'm not opposed to it. Until last night, I never took a look at myself to see my potential, a glimpse of my worth, but now I caught sight of it, and I know that I am deserving of much more.


September 26, 2007
A Slave’s Dream


I admit, I am not doing well. I hide behind a well-managed mask. Hiding my afflictions. Camouflaging my past, and fears of my future while constantly being tormented by regrets. I regret everything. Taking the blame for everything: Maybe I could have prevented some things by making better decisions, but sometimes I was a victim of circumstance, I was too young then, I did not know any better. Either way, I regret all of it. I carry such a large burden that I sometimes wonder how long will I be able to carry it. There have been too many struggles thus far, and I predict will be just as many well into my future. There is not a quick fix. Don't ask me to talk to someone because when I'm done I will still think about it. Don't ask me to take a pill to make it go away. I would prefer alcohol, and have been doing much thinking about dabbing into narcotics of the sort, but my problems will still be there.


I think of my Mother and Father, and all of the things they had to endure. I think of my Brother and the little time he had on this earth, and the pain he held in his heart. I think of my Sister and her struggles. Then I reflect upon my ancestors and every hardship they had to undergo, the pain of being ripped away from their homes, their families. The agony of being tortured day in and day out, and yet and still they prevailed. Because if they had not, I would not exist. I think about their dreams, and what they held on so hard for…it was for me. For me.


Living is by far the hardest thing to do. And being dealt an insufficient hand doesn't help much. But just as my ancestors have done throughout the generations, every unfit hand can be reversed. You can change every situation.


I think about my family, living or otherwise. I think about the little ones, the ones that have to grow in this world. And it is not about me anymore. It is about my family, my friends, this world…this world. It is about my ancestors, they need me to fulfill their dreams that they have worked so hard for.


Yes I carry a huge burden on my back, but every time I continue, it does nothing but make me stronger. I used to give myself specific times to unload it. Now I will hand over that decision to time. It will know when my moment is appropriate to put the load down. Until then I will continue to carry this burden, this burden full of sufferings and regret, and the midst of it, hope. I will not only continue to carry this burden on my back, but I will do so with pride because I know that everything has its purpose, and one day just as my ancestors intended, my purpose will be fulfilled.


September 25, 2007
Staring into a Mirage


Your touch
Magic

Your embrace
Solace

Your kisses
Sweet

Your love
Indescribable

Your beauty
Incomparable

You
Incredible

You stand before me with those captivating eyes

That beautiful laugh, that wonderful smile

You talk to me and I'm enthralled by your voice

I want to hug you

I want kiss you

I want to tell you all that you are to me, and how much I miss you

But the closer I am, the further you are

Until there's nothing there, but air and space

And just like that

You're gone.


September 16, 2007
The Difference Between Women


Why is that I want things that I can't have

When it comes to finding my better half


I mean, is it their resistance?

Is it my persistence?

Or are they just indifferent?


Women say they want love

But why is that to some of them love equals thug?


Is it me, and maybe I'm too considerate

Because to me, they want somebody ignorant


Fuck you, call you a be bitch and shit

Smack yo ass up and turn around and kick yo shit

And grab yo ass by da colla

Drag yo ass around and let you scream and holla


Peep your friends out

Screen your calls

Lock you in a cell

Put you in a mental wall


Scope out all your callers

Take your phone away

Delete all your numbers


Apologize in a second

The next second, apology accepted


So what is love?

Putting someone above yourself

Whatever happened to trying to love yourself


And you wonder why you're used

That's why you get abused


See the cycle

Look at the direction

Stand in front of the mirror

Look at your reflection


September 06, 2007
Modern-Day Atlas


It's like the, the world's trying to consume me, before I reach victory the world wants to do me, do me in, do me in before I can collect, and all I see is misery, abuse and neglect. I try to come correct, but it still try to bounce me, but I keep standing with every breath and every ounce of me. It tried to beat my body down and took me as a whole, but never could it wash me out and take away my soul. Behold, this woman standing here is the truth, and I will take all I am and put it to good use.


July 12, 2007
The Power that Destroys Men


I feel like, I feel like, YELLING, SCREAMING at the top of my lungs…until all the air is out…until I pass out for lack of oxygen.


I feel like, like punching, hitting everything in my path…until my hands are bruised…until there is nothing but a trail of my blood tracking my whereabouts.


And I feel like expressing, like just letting out a myriad of obscenities…until I run out of words, until there's nothing left to say.


And I feel like crying, crying, tears falling from my eyes...until there's nothing left...until my eyes are streaked red from being so dried out.


And I sit, restrained, thinking with watery eyes, thinking of things I should have long washed my hands clean from, with an achy heart, thoughts swarming like locusts eating away at my emotions.


And I sit wanting to expel out of my very being every derogatory word known to man, gritting my teeth, holding it in.


Holding it in. So much Hate I hold. Trying not to be consumed by all these emotions, conflicting thoughts, hatred both in and out and backward thinking.


Hate…equally weighed by Love. Love…how many times I've cursed you and never once…really meant it.


April 10, 2007
My Gift


I give her back to the world

A world of life, a world full of breath

A world of hopes and dreams, death and regret

A world of breaths that breathes into life

A world of life, life that breathes into love

Love.


I give her back to the world

A world of anger, a world full of death

A world of disappointments and deceit, unity and peace

A world of death that breathes into anger

A world of death, death that breathes into hatred

Hate.


I give her back to the world

A world of laughter, a world full of joy

A world of smiles and candor, masks and dishonesty

A world of joy that breathes into laughter

A world of laughter, laughter that breathes into happiness

Happiness.


I give her back to this world hoping that she will be surrounded by smiles, united with joy and laughter, truth and peace, hoping that she will be in a world full of life, full of dreams.


I give her back to this world hoping that in this lifetime, now and forever, that she will find a world of love, true love.


I give her back to this world hoping that she is filled with happiness

A world full of happiness

With love,

A love that breathes into happiness

Into life, into…


Peace.


February 16, 2007
Voyeurism


The sky has turned dreary since it last met with the sun. And now rain falls heavily upon the gravel of the parking lot without it seems an end. At this hour, the only light that illuminates us is the moon and the lighting from the Giant Eagle Supermarket.

The store was well lit from outside of the sunless evening. A whiff of coffee crept into my nostrils as I strolled pass rows and rows of food. From behind the counter stood a brown-skinned girl of medium height. Her hair was short, brown and highlighted with blondish brown streaks. She wore a white colored shirt underneath a burgundy smock that bore her nametag. She smiled and laughed familiar, as if she knew me, as if she were happy. Each isle I pass, she follows, moving behind the counter as if she were waiting impatiently in line for a roller coaster ride. I move with purpose as I walk in a fashionable grace. She notices, she smiles.


November 30, 2006
When Love is Lost


How does it feel to know when you have lost somebody?


When the calls were everyday and now they are seldom to none

Or is it when you only receive a call on certain holidays

When they seem like they are always busy and their schedule is always booked

Or is it when you ask them, they never know, but they can try to schedule you in somewhere


Tell me, how does it feel to know that you lost someone?

When their life seems to be filled with happiness

Or is it when they seem happier without you

When they are spending their time with other people

Or is it when they are doing things that you never thought they would


How is it that you feel that you have lost?

When you are the one left out

When you were the one who actually loved

Or is it when they begin dating other people

Or when it is the people from their past


How does it feel?

To know that you have lost someone

Forever,

And to know that,

They are not coming back.


November 10, 2006
Seventh Heaven


A daydream

Images emerge

Your smile appears

And I become focus


In dreams I have wings

I carry you

We soar

Blissfully


In thoughts

Shapes form

You appear unto me

Comforting


In my mind's eye

Perhaps it is not corporeal

Yet I know what exists

On those cold nights


In time visions

Will become reality

And when you smile

I will become focused.


October 24, 2006
In The Rose Garden


Although the weather is bleak, I permit myself to walk through this garden of roses. Surrounded by so much beauty that I do not know which one to choose. Then I see the one. I gaze at it from afar, its magnificence overwhelming that I wish that I could touch its petals, or at least be able to breathe in its gentle fragrance. It stands out among the rest and yet it is alone. A beauty that goes unforeseen and yet continues to bloom no matter what weather conditions arrive. It is a beauty that can only be felt through the heart and I have seen it in my mind's eye. From fear of disturbing the other roses, I gaze at it from afar and as I continue to walk through the garden, I will never forget that single rose.


September 29, 2006
For Love


Damn…

I shake my head

How can I pretend that I do not love her

I close my eyes


Does hating help

She does not call me

Respond to me

Tell me things

Untruths

I close my eyes


How can I hate her

I would like to

I feel betrayed by her

She has given too many false promises


I shake my head

How can I believe her

I have nothing

She was my all


How can I stop loving her

I cannot pretend

I love her

I close my eyes


I think about all our times together

Tears come to my eyes

She will never know

She will never understand

She is blinded

She doesn't see me


How can I pretend

I reach out for someone

Someone to hold

Just for one moment, one moment

She is no longer mine

I cannot pretend


Damn…

I shake my head

I stand up

One day…

One day I will find love

One day

I close my eyes.


September 18, 2006
We are not one


We is not me anymore

We is not us

It is only they and I


We are gone

We has left me all alone

It is not we

It is only one and that is I


We are not together anymore

We are they

They are each other

We does not include I

Half of we are now with them and I am the only part left of we


We is not I

We are they

They are not us

It is only them

And we is only me


September 05, 2006
What about??


What about me?

I want to change so many wrongs

I am one person

I want to help so many people who need it

I am only one person

I cannot even help myself

What about me?


I am invisible

Do you see me, my dreams, my love?

My soul wants to do so much

Just do it they say

I cannot


What about me?

What about the things I love

They are always taken away from me

So many lies, promises, deaths

Those that are forgotten and those that forget

I cry for my pain and the pain of others

Suicide, murder, rape, abuse, neglect


What about me?

What is inside of me?

Alone

Empty

Worthless

Potential, but circumstances, useless

I cannot help anyone, I cannot help myself


What about me?

Family

Substance, narcotic abuse, disunity

I cannot prevent

The cycle continues with or without my presence


What about me?

I need assistance

It is my future I should be able to sustain myself

Words do not help

Actions do and there are none


Future, aspiring, want to be

How?

No means

Just do it

Words do not help

Actions do


What about me?

Support, none

Friends, Family, People

Most of you are fake

Others do not like me

Some do not care

Few believe in me


This world

Depression, violence, war, epidemics, poor, starvation

I want to do something

Where is love, peace, liberty, are they just concepts

Scream

I wish I could take their pain away, suffering

What about them, us?


My pain, suffering, life, my thoughts

What about me?


June 6, 2006
My Addiction


Ambivalence: Torn by emotions, I am left confounded inasmuch as alone.

In deference to your request, I try to be compliant to your wishes.

My emotions are so capricious that I sometimes feel like I am being castigated.

Your presence always made me ebullient to the point in which it was hard to express.

Now my actions tend to belie my feelings and when I am around you I become enervated.

I may even appear to seem boorish in an attempt to equivocate how I still and truly feel.

Our time together was an ephemeral one

And I wish I could assuage this feeling inside.

When I try to alleviate things between us, it only seems to exacerbate the situation.

Some may flout me.

Maybe I have been acting fatuous, but I cannot gainsay the truth.


December 17, 2004
Another Winters Night


Cold-

I lie in this bed consistently

Trying to go asleep

It seems like the nights grow endless

I wrap myself with cover, I am too hot

I unwrap myself, I am too cold

Constantly trying to become comfortable

The thought is euphoria, the actual is futile.


Alone-

The chill creeps upon me

False hopes, wishful thinking

My eyes growing watery

The chill is my friend. The cold is my friend

The ice is my life, beautiful to look at

Fun to play with during the day, but like I, as night approach becomes alone as well

Expectance, dreams, hopes, aspirations or

Wants, desires, lusts and need.


Snow-

My thoughts become reminiscent

Tossing and turning, I grow cold

Closing my eyes grants despair an invitation

Theres no need nor lust, want or desire

And the cold that covers me, is it really due to the season

As time continues to progress, I grow tired, but not sleepy

In bed I embrace the darkness, hug my covers and allow cold to lie next to me gradually kissing my lips

My eyes slowly begin to close

The phone never rings.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 19.10.2009

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