Blanca's Past

“You freak! The truth is you’re not even my daughter at all! You’re just a monster I’ve picked up when you were still a baby!” my mother screamed at me.
She always told me that. But she looked different this time. She was gripping me by my hair and her eyes were terrifying. She didn’t look like the woman who always told me bedtime stories. She didn’t look like the woman who told me I was special and a gift God gave her. No, she did not even look human. It must be because she actually caught my dad doing “it” right on their anniversary with her best friend, Amanda. Amanda’s beautiful and has a great sense of humour. The women would really like her if she would just try to “remember” to wear a bra when their husbands are around. Or maybe it’s because of what I did to Nicole. But the truth is I did not even do anything to her. Well, the adults think I did so I guess there’s no helping it. Nicole is Auntie Rosalie’s daughter. And I think you can guess already that Auntie Rosalie is mom’s best friend # 2. (Best friend # 1 is Amanda the minx in their group).
It all started that afternoon. Oh and by the way, I freaking hate Nicole. The feeling is mutual, I think. The adults have formed the thought in their mind that we’re automatically best buds so they let us escape from their cheesy memory lane talks.
That afternoon…
“Blanca!” Nicole shouted.
“What?” I asked.
I was in no mood to play with her. The sun was hot and too bright for my eyes. We were outside Auntie Rosalie’s house. Well, not exactly. We’re just at the front yard. I was sitting on the front porch petting a stray cat that has taken a liking to me. The cat was a girl and she had the most beautiful green eyes. Nicole and I were on the same age but we were polar opposites. I was short and had long blond hair. She was tall and had black hair just above her shoulders. She was sporty and I was a book worm who can’t even run a damn mile. I had electric blue eyes which often startle people and she had chocolate brown eyes which were actually a magnet for mothers and well, several people. I loved wearing dresses and she loved wearing those sports jerseys or something. I had straight A’s and she had calls from the principal. She had tons of friends and I only have stray cats to share my deepest dark secrets or the newest book update. I see things that should not even be seen and she can’t. I envy her.
“Get up here! The view is great!” she told me.
Believe me. The feeling of hate between us is mutual. But boredom is a tough enemy to fight. She was currently on a tree branch and I had no intention to join her.
Reason # 1: I was afraid of heights.
Reason # 2: I am proud to say that I am lazy. (Takes a bow)
Reason # 3: I had no climbing skills of a monkey like her. I’ve tried to find out but the break through that I only got was that I had fantastic falling skills.
Reason # 4: Someone or something was behind her. I just knew one thing. It was evil.
“You’ll fall! Nicole, get down from there already!” I screamed.
“Chicken”
She stood up on the tree branch and looked at her surroundings as though she was a pirate who would shout “Land ahoy, mates!” any minute then. I, on the other hand, was not amused. The “thing” behind her was already smiling. Well, Nicole was smiling too. But she’s human so she can smile all she wants. I tried another tactic.
“You already have ants on you! That is so gross!”
“Liar”
“Your mom’s calling you, Nicole”
“Yeah right”
I gave up. I went back to Ms Kitty-who-had-the-most-beautiful-green-eyes. The “thing”-which-had-the-freakiest-smile pushed her. Life sucks and you die. I screamed. Nicole was too startled to scream. The “thing” still continued to smile.
“Nicole!”
She wasn’t looking good. She was pale and her arms looked dislocated. And was that blood? I was terrified. I felt like I was in a black and white movie where your fellow soldier just got shot by the enemy. The adults arrived. Were they reinforces or more enemies? It would probably be the latter considering Auntie Rosalie. Best friends #3, 4, 5, and 6 were in full panic mode. Best friend # 1 had been booted out unanimously. What a pity. I think she was the sanest girl in their circle. I did not know their names and I still do not have the intention to. My own mother walked past me and went to Nicole. Auntie Rosalie was frantically screaming for someone to call the motherfucking ambulance. She’s such a nice role model for her daughter. Auntie Rosalie stared daggers at me.
“How did you fall, Nicky?” Auntie Rosalie asked.
She was kneeling on the grass and her “new dress-from-a-designer-in-Paris-with-the-name-she said-she-had-forgotten” was being stained by the good old common soil.
“I…was pushed”
Life was over. The girl really was stupid. Yes, she really was pushed. But she was pushed by an unknown smiling thing and nobody would believe that. And of course, people would logically assume that I was the one who pushed her because we were the only breathing human beings at the front yard. Nicole finally fainted. I would have totally loved it if she had fainted 10 seconds earlier. Auntie Rosalie marched in front of me and I knew I was the prey and she was the predator. She raised up her right hand to slap me and I closed my eyes to mentally prepare myself and also for the dramatic effect I knew was coming.
“No,” my mom said.
I opened my eyes and I knew mommy had saved me. So she still had maternal instincts left inside her. I looked at her with the eyes of a deer which had been saved from the lion. Mommy slapped me. So it was a trick. Mommy was actually the lion. I wasn’t mentally prepared anymore and even if I was I think it wouldn’t have made any difference, anyway. Mommy’s slap was very hard. I fell on the ground and I tasted something rusty and copper-like inside my mouth. I wiped my mouth and found blood stains on my hand.
“You dared shame me here, monster?!” she screamed
She then dragged me to our car and I felt tears falling out of my eyes. It must be a natural reaction for humans. I felt…numb. When we got home, we found Amanda frantically putting on clothes and my dad looking sheepish. He was so pathetic. I ran off to my room and locked the door. Screams and angry curses filled our house. I did not hear Amanda’s sweet voice so I knew she had escaped already. I was feeling dizzy and weak. It was getting hard for me to breathe. Tears were clouding my perfect vision. I was having an asthma attack. Where the hell was my inhaler, anyway? This was one of the reasons why I never wanted to straighten out the things in my room. I had memorized my mess already. It was behind my picture frame. Why did mommy placed it there of all the places?! I had a sinking feeling that she had purposely hid it. After calming myself, I realized something. I stared at my picture. It was a picture of me smiling with several gold medals. The “thing” that had pushed Nicole had eerie eyes and exactly the same smile like mine.

The next day, mommy committed suicide. All her best friends (except for Amanda) wanted to kill me and daddy. The funeral took a long time. I was wearing my best black dress, my black shoes polished and a gold butterfly clip. Relatives who I did not even know existed hugged me and made my black dress wet with their snot and tears. They kept on saying poor Blanca has no mother already from a very young age. I did not shed a tear. They said I must have been bottling my feelings in my small body. They were wrong. I simply did not have the feeling of enough sadness to cry. I guess I can say she had been really awful to me but there were times when she had been motherly to me too. But it felt as though it happened so long ago. Her relatives and friends confessed that my mother did not want them to see me. And I swear a man who claimed to be my uncle was leering at me while saying that my mother really was strange. After a few hours and the mumbling of a priest who did not even know her, mommy was buried in the earth. Never to be seen again.
A slight breeze filled the air. I shivered and hugged myself. Dried up leaves blew with the wind. The people began to leave. I watched them leave as I stood by beside Mom’s grave. Crunching footsteps broke my silent numb thoughts. It was Dad.
“She left you a letter, sweet pea,” he said softly.
I stared at him while he handed me the enveloped letter. I realized he had looked old and weary. Then his knees fell to the ground then he pulled me into a hug. He cried loudly. I was surprised. Dad never hugged me. But this time, he was so vulnerable and the two of us were the only ones left. Amanda must have left him. Their stupid love affair must be over now. Dad’s body shook as he cried.
“Blanca, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry…” he said over and over again.
“Dad, I’m fine. Really,” I whispered while I hugged my dad back.
“You’re not a monster, Blanca. T-there was just something wrong with h-her these days. She loved you and y-you were the only one who could make your Mom smile,” he said while he looked at my eyes.
I looked up at the sky and the tears that had not come to me earlier came pouring out of me. I cried and I screamed of my mother, calling her to come back to me.
“Ma, Ma, Ma, mama, I’ll be a good girl just please, please, Ma come back t-to us. Please Ma!” I screamed and I could not stop crying.
I knew the words were useless but I had to scream it out of me. The shock that she would not be with us the next day or the next hour was still filling my mind. It felt as though something pierced me literally. We held each other and cried our heart out. The gentle breeze came again and Dad held me tighter.
“Dad, I still haven’t read the letter,” I said.
I broke away from our hug and opened the enveloped letter that I had unknowingly crumpled. The letter said:
YOU ARE NOT MY DAUGHTER!
I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! DISGUSTING MONSTER! GO TO HELL! GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CRAWLED UP FROM!
I stared at the letter rereading it again and again just to make sure. Then a smile crept up my lips. I looked at Dad’s reaction. He looked shocked and ready to catch me if I faint. I laughed. I laughed at the irony of everything. I laughed as the wind took the letter from my fingers. I laughed as Dad shook me and shouted my name. I laughed at the tears I had wasted. I could not stop laughing and smiling. I felt better already. I was a monster after all like she said.
After a few more minutes, Dad took me to our car and he drove silently. He occasionally glanced at me as I stared outside the window. I just wanted to go home up straight to my room and close my eyes. Them maybe I’d be able to sleep and drown away all the confusing thoughts and feelings that was wrecking me up apart inside.
As our car passed, my eyes seemed to play a strange trick on me. The people at the streets looked…strange. Their eyes glowed and were they in costumes? Long nails, silver streaked hair, golden tattoos and they had wings. The wings were different for each person.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 30.05.2012

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