Past

I could never believe in love anymore, that's what I said when my friends asked me. I grew up as a tomboy girl compared to my friends who wore tight uniforms and thick make up on their faces. What will make you beautiful is your personality. My mother taught me how to be a good and strong woman, she gave me a lots of things to learn. I know that she wanted me to grow up as a woman but we had a different point of view of being a woman. She wanted me to dress, walk, behave, look like a woman meanwhile I thought that would just waste my time because I was born as a woman, already. My father did not talk too much about how to be a woman, maybe because he is not a woman. I have a little sister and she is only 3 years old younger than me. We get along quite well although there are several things that we argue sometimes. We all live to think, and once we think later we'll argue about the things that we think, I know it seems ridiculous but that is a real life. So I was so closed to my mother, I think she realized that I could be a strong woman someday. Doesn't matter what the future may bring I always believe that she will always be my sunshine.

October 31st 1999, my mother told me that I have to be a good girl. That day she went away and left me, my sister and my father. Life is just a temporary place for us to live, we all will live and we all will die. I wonder if I could go with her too that day. She was a happy woman, she took care of her family, she fought her disease for years, she showed me how to be a strong woman, she was there for my father in every situations, she taught me and my sister how to live this life with love and tenderness, that's my mother. A million stars are calling her name out and she deserves it.

 I grew up as a teenager, still did not wear the dress that my mother wanted before she left but I have a bigger thing than just a girly dress, I have brain and a big heart. I have a mission in my life that someday I have to be a success woman and take care of my father and sister. It was so hard to be a teenager without my sunshine, because I could imagine she would manage everything for me. I didn't dream to be a popular girl or date with lots of boys at school, I got two reasons for that issue, first I knew that my father would not allow me and second I knew that myself would not beg for his concession. I was not a teenager who would make a little drama and act like a little Madonna when she sang a song Papa Don't Preach, my father is not a preacher anyways. Teenagers life was a thing that I thought more like riding a roller coaster and I hate roller coaster. It was pretty cool although I got few of evil friends, well maybe they're just uncool. I have a problem with my temper, I could lose it easily, and then my friends would think I was a maniac. But I had friends who understood me very well. I think my father gave a big contribution in my temper problem because he has the same thing in him and his family, it's called high blood pressure. Me, personally think I have it because I remember that my mother taught me how to be a strong woman. I know it's a bit overrated but at least I did not lie to people about it. I mean there are so many people who try to keep their temper but then they would hurt themselves afterwards. That's not what I want, by the way.

So I have such a happy life when I was a teenager, but there is my favorite thing that I would mention in this story. That is my uncle. He was such a savior or at least I can say he spent his life for me and my sister. He was there for me and I was closed to him. He was my father youngest brother and I love him so much. We could talk about every single things, he cooked for me and my sister too when we're child. We stayed at grandma's house after school and waited for our parents to pick us. He taught me how to be an independent girl, even he taught me how to respect others. I was such a finicky little girl and of course so picky. He knew my characters very well even better than my father sometime. He did not have a girlfriend he did not want to but I thought it was more because he was shy. He had a skin problem it's called Angioma it's a benign tumor, he was born with it on the half side of his body. I felt sorry for him, so one day I asked him why did he not have a girlfriend. Surprisingly, he answered me with a cynical tone and said "even if a piece of glass cut my veins, I could still handle it but love it would hurt worse than that" he smiled when he said that and since that day I thought love was such a pain for everyone. But I grew up and thought in a better way, I witnessed a true love of my parents. I really appreciate it, for things that my father did for me and my sister and specially for what he does to my mother's love even when it's only a piece of a memory now.

May 5th 2009, He closed the book of life. It's tough knowing that I would never meet my savior again. A month before he left I lost my grandpa. My grandpa was a great man, he's my father's dad. He taught me to be a precious person and be useful for people. He had to leave his family for years and worked as a gardener abroad. He has travelled this world that's so amazing because I knew that he did not finish his school when he was young so I thought that God has given him miracle for all the things that he's done. My father's family lived in a very simple life they did not have lots of money and that's why my grandpa decided to work abroad although he had to leave his family in a long time. I wonder if i could ever do the things like he did because I know it was never easy to leave far away from people that we love. I was closed to my mother's family too, they're cool and I have lots of aunts and uncles because my mother has eleven siblings. I grew up in a big family with lots of stories, problems, dillemas, dramas, characters but we all live in the same harmony.

I met a boy that I really liked in high school, he was so cute to me at least that time he looked a bit like a shiny blueberry because I was a Gargamel (smurfs big enemy). I was blinded by love, i was totally in love with him at the second sight. I have an explanation about it, technically my best friend had a little crush on him, and then she asked me to hook them up and that's where this thing began. Finally I found out that he did not like my best friend, I could not complain because I thought it was his answer to her but somehow he gave me lots of sweet attentions and affections until then I told myself that I found my love. We're so closed to each other but never had a real date. He seemed so shy and I kept thinking he needed the right time to tell me about his feeling for me. So I waited for that day when he finally told me about his interest in me, but things turned out bad for me. After months I spent my money and wasted my time on him, the tragedy has come, two days after our graduation day I asked him out because I wanted to know about his feeling for me. We sat on the school bench and he said something that I could never forget for the rest of my life. It was something like the thunderstruck it was stricking my heart so bad and I knew that he just wanted to use me for fun. That was the darkest hour of my life, since then I hardly opened myself to anybody. I decided to delay my college a year because I struggled in medical school tests, I wanted to be a doctor but the fact is money does the talk in everything. Anyways, the things have changed since then and I went to a university a year later and studied about psychology.

Troll thats what I called him, we firstly met in May 23th 2007. He was an ex soldier but still worked for the army. He stole my heart away. I could say that we're in love and I would not regret it, we had a long distance relationship because he had to go home. We have been together for two years until then he left me in 2009, in the time when I lost my grandpa and my uncle. He really left me alone, on my own, in a hideous situation and I had to crawl again just to fine a path to stand. So I thought I was really out of love and God would probably not want to send me somebody to love.

 

 

Prsent

In June I met with a man and I thought that I could find a happiness again. I knew it's such a horrible trick to mend my brokenheart. Sometimes it's hard for me to think about romance, what is it? Do I need one? Does it make me happy? or basically we all just want to be loved by somebody? I always think if it's not for a happiness why do people get married? I just know that I met him and I wanted to be happy but deep down in my heart the main motive is to escape from the reality that I don't want to be a single for the rest of my life. He's a nice guy, he loves me obviously even he take cares of me everyday. But in certain times we argued a lot about everything, it's not like we did that because we're thinking but it's more like because we have lots of different point of views, if i were a guitar my condition now is a bit out of tuned. We made it to four years but year by year my doubt in him grows frequently. I don't know what to do because my feelings are gone. But that's because I found a man who could make me feel like I am home. He's someone that all the kids want to be their father, someone that all the kids want to be their uncle, someone that all the kids want to be their friends, but most of all he's someone that I really want to be my husband.

 January 31st 2013 that's when the first time I knew him. He was there on an online chatting room and said "hi" to me. I did not really expect for a boring conversation honestly so I asked him about his sexual, it was something like an ordinary chatting stuff, we talked about so many things but we both have the same interest that is guitar. I am not a great guitar player but at least I can play it and write a song with my guitar. It's surprised me that he said he wrote songs to, I thought he's just an unimportant stranger from a chatting room but I was mistaken, because he is the greatest man I have ever met online.

We talked for hours everyday, I never get bored with all his words, he is a smart guy, and friendly. I knew that from the first time he asked me about everything. He talked about politic, music, foods, tv shows, greatest rock band, his life, his career, his songs there are so many cool things that we have talked about together. He has a cute face too, I never thought that I could like him, honestly I was thinking that he could probably act like a guy in his age but I did not see that from him. He is eighteen years older than me but I never feel like we have a gap or something like discrepancy specially when we're talking about music. My life has changed since I met him, it's a bit worrying me but I know that I could not stop it. I do need him in my life.

I know that I could hurt my boyfriend too, but I could not hurt both of them. I don't want to hurt myself either, I know that I am a selfish woman but that's the only option left for me. I can't marry two men anyways so I just have to make a damn hard decision for my happiness. I remember when my Grandpa said if I do believe in God then I could make my dreams come true and I am sure it's one of them. I know that hard for him to be with me because honestly we have a big issue too so I just hope that someday God shows him the truth of everything and we can be together for forever. And I hope someday I could tell my boyfriend that love can't be forced by anything, I know that now I feel pity for things that he's done for me, I know that he tried so hard to show me his love through those things he did but I can't lie to my heart either because nowadays my heart says different name and weather it's right or wrong I just want to be happy.

Future

The sun is coming out, I can see myself smiling at him. He is standing next to me, it's been years since we finally can live together happily ever after. I am grateful for what I have now, two lovely childrens of ours are playing at the garden, now I have a beautiful garden so I think my grandpa was right that if I believe in God then I can make all my dreams come true even the things that I was not really into, such the garden. But it's so full of happiness, we are watching our son Rebel and our daughter Rosie play together happily. I look at him, he looks so happy and health, I am so grateful to God that I still have him in my life.

I lay my head on his shoulder when we are sitting on the bench, I love laying my head on his shoulder and I know he will kiss my head whenever I do that. It's amazing that I could have a husband like him, he is a great man, a great friend, a great partner, and a great father. We have been together for years but we still feel as if we just met yesterday, all the things that we've been troughed, all the diversities that we had, all the adversities that we faced together are now turning into an amazing time. I love when we're going out with our kids somehwere, for foods, picnics, musics, and another cool things that we have had before. He is still playing his guitar, he still writes lots of cool songs and I am so proud of him. We also have a small business now, I've opened my boutique last week and it got a good welcome. Everyday he gives me a good company when I am at work, when I am cooking, when I am sleeping and even when I am sick. We always have fun in every single things that we do. He shows his big love to me, he teachs our kids good things too, I know that my kids are so proud of their dady because their dady is a great man. And one thing that I love the most is when I can kiss his cotton candy hair over and over agin, and I know that he'll just say "Oh H..you're my little sunshine!" and then he will kiss me tenderly.

 

 

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 02.07.2013

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my cotton candy man