1

“I love you.” Those were the last words I said before everyone and everything was gone. John was the last thing I had besides the child living inside my stomach. I cautiously rub my bruised stomach realizing I will have to do this alone. I will have to take care of our child all alone. The fact of that terrified me. Is anyone here anymore? Do I have anyone to trust? The sergeant just about broke my heart. You know it’s never going to be good when the sergeant comes anxiously pounding on your door. The day that I will have to tell my baby girl daddies’ gone, will not only break my heart, but hers too. Should I marry and pretend another man is the dad? No. John would never do that.
*beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.*
I wake up to the piercing sound of my alarm clock. My blood shot eyes awaken. My heart races as I get out of bed realizing everything was not a dream. John was truly dead. I sit back in my bed and get a photo of John. I stare at it quietly and rub my stomach twirling our wedding ring. I finally get the courage to get up and take my pain pills and get in the shower. I sit down in the shower and cry. The reason I only cry in the shower is so my family cannot hear me. So they believe that I am strong. Oh no. there it is. Is that the kick I am suppost to feel?
“Mom, mom! She’s coming!” I holler. I get out of the shower throw some clothes on and get in the car. My mom’s driving and smiling at my stomach whispering a prayer. Then suddenly I notice the car in front of us stopping . Fast.
“MOM STOP!” The cries. The screams. The ambulance’s terrifying sirens.
I wake up with the doctor’s running all around the room. The last thing I need is to lose my baby. I look left and right. Then I see my baby laying in my mom’s hands as she is crying loud and hard. Is this good or bad tears?
“Mom, what’s going on?” I studded quietly.
“She’s, she’s gone. It’s all my fault. I killed her.”
“No, no, no! This can’t be happening. No!”
I unplug myself from all these crazy wires and run outside in the pouring rain. I fall to my knees and cry. I yell at the sky in anger. Why does this shit happen to me? Does it have to be me? I run to my mom car get in and run. Why am I running away. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t do this. The only thing I can think of is suicide. Can I do it? Yes . I start writing my suicide letter as I sit in the car looking at the rope, tree & river.
“ Dear mom. Goodbye. I love you and do not think I am doing this because of you. My life is messed up and I can’t take this shit anymore. Dear dad, I love you a lot. You were the one I could talk to about anything. Dear everyone else. Goodbye. I love you all.
Love, Jessica.”
I am doing this. I step on the thick brown stump as I grab the brown frayed rope. I tie a knot and stick my little head in. I grab the rope with my strongest grip and kick the stump down. I swing down with full force as the rope breaks and I land in the rushing water. I am kicking and screaming. I regret this. Someone help me please. I try to grab the closest rock or stick. They are only 2 feet away but it feels like they are miles away. I can see the edge. The edge of the river. This is it. This is how I am going to die. I see the cars blazing by, praying someone will realize I am down here. Dying.
Freedom. At my finger tips. I reach my arms as far as I can and just grab the bolder. I pull myself on top breathing very heavily. What should I do know? Try to swim to land or sit here and wait till morning? I see the brown rope flying down the river. I quickly grab it, tie it around my waist and around the rock. I swim as fast as I can and get to safety. I rip the rope off and run up the road. I sprint to my car and drive back home. I go home to only find out my dad has passed away. Maybe I should have killed myself. My life is so fucked up I can’t do this anymore. The next day I look for my pain killers. This will be attempt number two. I go into my cupboard and my pain killers aren’t there. I run all over the house to find my ex husband shaking them in his hand.
“Get out. You know you shouldn’t be here. Leave.”
“Kiss me. And never stop. Marry me and you can have these back.” He replied shaking the pills.
“No never!”
“Say bye-bye.” He takes of the pills lid and grabs one and throws it down the sink.
“NO STOP! Fine. I’ll marry you. But you should know I am only doing this because there is no more pills like that.”
“That is perfectly fine. Aha.”
*one year later*
Were married. I married my ex husband. The one who abused me my whole marriage. Why would I do that to myself? Why? Because I was stupid. I dropped out of high school because I thought he was the one. I thought I loved him I thought I could trust him. Clearly I couldn’t. My parents don’t understand why I married him again. They think I have betrayed them and now they don’t even stop over to say hi. Not even for Christmas. I disappointed my family but most importantly myself. I can never forgive myself. As soon as I started to think Aaron has changed I came home late one night and he beat me senseless. I couldn’t move. I lay in the basement corner with old bread molding, crying. Chained to the cold dark ground. Regretting everything. I married an abusive man, knowing he is abusive only for pills to kill myself. I never even got the pills. I ruined my life for no reason.

Read: The mistake 2, to find out what happens next.

Impressum

Texte: Kirsten Miller
Bildmaterialien: Kirsten Miller
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 24.03.2012

Alle Rechte vorbehalten