Chapter 1- Me
ME
My name is Alexandra Guinn, I am eighteen years old, I live with my dad Jack Guinn and my brother Jimmie Guinn, and he is nineteen. Two months ago my parents had a divorce and my dad took me and my brother here. We live in Dallas now, we used to live in Pennsylvania for years but everything is different now that's why this is the best place for us today. My mom left my dad for another guy, she was not happy that's what I heard from my dad when he told me and my brother about the divorce. Me and my brother were not happy when we knew that our parents got divorce, but we both knew that mom was not loving us, maybe she thought we're not loving her either. We had lots of bad situations at home; she said that she would never be happy if she stayed with us for forever. She lives in Vegas, she has a better life and an ugly husband now. That guy was a music producer, I knew him well because he had promoted my album. It was so stupid when I finally busted him and mom had sex in my room. That day I came home early, I went to my room and found two of brainless adults were making out on my bed. It was so horrible and pathetic, because one of them was a woman that has given a birth for me and my brother. He came to my house to meet me that's what he said when I shouted at them frantically. I was afraid of that disgusting thing that happened in front of me, I saw my mom was a half naked and tried so hard to cover her body with my bed sheet. So I decided to cut my band out of his recording company and walked away from home for a couple of months. My dad got a shocked when I told him about that tragedy, and my brother was blaming me. I know it's so fucked up, but I can't take the blame because I don't deserve it. I know that mom slept with a guy who I knew well, but I didn't ask him to sleep with her. My dad is a dentist and I love him so much, me and my brother could never get along, since that pathetic tragedy we don't talk much anymore. He still thinks that I am the main reason for all the bad things that we have now. I mean he is seriously thinking that it all happened because of me. I really have a bunch of problems in my life, I lost my mom although I never really expected her to be a mother, I lost my brother, I lost my band, I lost my friends, I lost my dreams, I lost my career and I lost my life in Pennsylvania.
One of my dad's friend has offered him a new job here, dad was so happy when he knew that he could try to start his new career and life with me and my brother here. In the meantime, I try so hard to feel happy because I have to start my life here. My brother Jimmie had a serious problem with drugs, and my dad sent him to hospital and he stayed in the rehab place for a year. He is recovered and just got home yesterday; it surprised me that last night he called my name again. My brother used to play good music, he had a band in high school and he played drums. He was a bad student, playboy, alcoholic and addicted in drugs. He had a dream to be a famous drummer but he left his music's life right after our parents got divorce. He lost his spirit in rock n roll, so did I. It's hard for me to forget about all the things that I wanted before, I used to play with my band, did all the gigs that we had, wrote all the good songs, played my guitar and dreamed about a wide world tour with my band, but it's all over when I saw him with her on my bed. I could not believe it at all, he was a guy whom I talked with about my goals in life, he used to be my friend, he has supported me and my band to record all the songs but then he took advantage of me and betrayed me. My band mates were so mad at me when I told them that it's over. They could not choose me, they kept it up and just let me go, I could not believe that I even called them friends, but I learned a good thing from it that we couldn't really trust somebody because most of people are jerks and idiots and I could never take a shit from them
I went to my brother's room last night, I asked him about things that he would do at college and why did he finally call my name again. He just laughed at me and told me that everything would be fine, he apologized and said that everything would be just fine. I told him that things were already bad and I didn't think college would be a fun place for me. I told him that I really hate Dallas and I couldn't stop it, I could not try to manage myself and live a new life here. He stared my face and told me that actually he felt the same thing, but he realized that things would just be bad if we didn't make it good. I knew that he's right; I thought we could do it together.
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Chapter 2 - College
I took shower, I wore a purple t-shirt with HELL ASS DALLAS words printed on it in red color, I wore my knee-hole jeans, I wore my purple converse, I wore my black leather jacket and black rubber bangles on my wrist, my satchel bag and colored my nails with red, purple, black, green, yellow, pink, white, orange, blue, silver, and gold nail polish. I let my medium black hair down, it looked messy all the time so I did not want to comb it anymore. I went to my brother's room to check on him and I could not believe my eyes, I saw a geek with stupid glasses and hideous clothes, well he wore a pair of silly shoes too. I did not know if he was my brother if he didn't say my name correctly, I used to think he was a stalker who tried to steal a book from my dad's reading room. He shocked me with all his new appearance, I asked him about it but he just said that he dressed like normal people and he asked me not to give a damn about it. I wondered how he could lose his mind. What the hell was he thinking about it, what happened to my brother? I felt so bad and kept thinking that he's a real idiot. That was our first day at college and I could tell it would be the most ridiculous moment in my life, I hated it and that's it.
The first time I arrived there, I felt so awkward and inconvenience. I saw lots of people there, with different faces, behaviors, styles and enthusiasm. I felt like an idiot and unaccepted here, well then I realized why that kind of think could happen, it's because I thought Dallas sucks and so is everyone here. I saw my nerdy brother was standing behind me; he looked like a joke and confused. When we're in our high school nobody could ignore him, because he was popular and had a bad reputation. I really liked him and his personality but i knew that he would ruin his life with drugs and alcohol, I thought he would never stop his old habit but then he has changed everything in his life, I did not even know weather it's good or bad for him, one thing that I knew that he's my brother and apart from that I would just let he live his life with something that he really wanted.
I walked to my class, my brother went to his class because he could make friends easily, he's a bit nicer than me, I mean he could say hi to strangers if he really needed them, he could smile to people and talk to them, that's why he had many girlfriends back then. I am not really talking, smiling, not even greeting somebody unless they're worth it. I am a cold hearted person, I didn't have many friends, I didn't care about school. I think school is just a place where you can study about nonsense, my dad would gladly do anything for me, if I ever made good grades in math because he's a math freak, he could spend all night long for calculus. I know that he never agrees with my interest in music, he always thinks that I can not make good money with a guitar, that's why I never talk to him a lot.
She was there with her friends, three barbies were standing in front of me, one of them wore stupid pink American tighs and the other ones just dressed like whores. The taller one came to me with her stupid smile and bent herself down so she could say something right in front of my face, lucky me that she had no smelly breath. "Are you a new student here?" she said. I couldn't believe she would ask me something stupid like that, "yeah, what's your problem?" I replied to her and felt like throwing her away out of the window from the second floor. She was upset with the things that I said she called her stupid friends and they were starting at my face fiercely. One of them, the blonde one came closer to me and touched my shoulder with her short and chubby finger and said "We own this school with our power, so you better get a cope and lose yourself here! Get somebody to lean on, but you know that people here are not as friendly as we are." she laughed at me. I couldn't let her ruining my day so I put my hand around her neck and told her something like this "fuck you fucking fuck! who the hell you think you are?! Just stay away from me and you'll be saved! Now get lose! Go fuck yourself!" I shouted.
I entered my classroom and everybody were staring at me, I knew that they could read the words on my t-shirt so I did not give a damn about it. They're just a group of local students and I would show them that I am not happy to live my life in their beloved homeland. I picked an empty table on the back row so I could have time to sleep and play some of good songs from my iPod. I could not just sit my ass off and listen to all the words about whatever. When my class was over I went to cafeteria to meet my brother there, he was sitting with few of students and they looked a bit busy discussing about something that I ever heard from National Geography channel. I came to talk to him but then he ignored me, he was so into a stupid discussion. I just took a deep breath because things were getting too complicated here, my brother has completely turned into a geek. I spent my lunch time on my own, they did not give me good foods, I did not like American foods anyways, they're greasy and not healthy, so I just ate fruit salad and drank a glass of orange juice. I saw that my brother were so happy talking to his new geek friends, they all looked like scientist, I didn't even know how could my brother study a Geography book? Did he really read any book? I felt like he just kicked me out of his life, and officially I didn't know him anymore, he's just so superficial and pathetic and nobody could ever help him out of his trouble. I found a guitar nearby my table so I took it and played a song that I wrote when I was in my band. I broke all my guitars because I hated them, I only had two guitars, on of them was a birthday gift from my mom and the other one was a gift from my ex-boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend was a guy that I knew in my band, he was our roadie and I met him a lot that's why I liked him. Things were fine with our relationship for few of months until one day I found him kissing my best friend at school. He was totally breaking my heart into pieces and I couldn't forget and forgive him, so I broke all the things that he gave me, a guitar, silly teddy bear, and a pair of leather boots. I was enjoying a song that I wrote about him till a can of coke hit my head and wet my hair. I was so mad and got up from my seat to find an asshole who have done that, he was there standing next to me with his stupid gay face and said "Put it off, it's my fucking guitar, you're a moron!." I was surprised by his words and attitude so I gave him a sweet punch on his face and walked away from that place.
I went back to the classroom and sat there for a little while, the man who wore a white shirt and brown trousers was keep talking about the economic balance and all the nonesense. I just sat my ass there and sank my head under my arms, I turned the volume higher and started to dream my life away. It was like an hour till he woke me up, I saw him stood next to me and told me that the class was over since twenty minutes ago, I felt sory for him because I didn't even listen to all his lectures, but he was just smiling at me and I walked out from the classroom. I saw my brother was a bit running from downstairs and he looked a bit weird, he came to me and told me that the rector wanted to meet me in his room. I told him to relax himself and I went to his room right away. I saw that asshole there, he sat on rector's chair and gave me an annoying grin. Mr. White asked me to have a sit and introduced his son to me. I told him that his son just threw a can of coke to my head and wet my hair. I told him that I couldn't give a damn about his son's behavior, and if he really wanted me to get out of his damn college, I would gladly do that without any regret. There was another guy in that room, I didn't know him but he was defending my recognition of his son, lucky me Mr. White apologized about his son's attitude so I left his room and so did him. I went to the hallway where I saw Jimmie was already there, he waited for me because he was worried about me having a problem with Mr. White's son. I told him that Mr. White didn't even ground me because he realized it wasn't my fault.
Chapter 3 - Him
I went home on my own, because Jimmie had to go with his geek friends for a presentation about science or something about it. I didn't mind if I had to walk home without him, we wouldn't talk much anyways, we would just walk and probably I would stop by the store to buy cigarette or just go somewhere else just to stay away from him. I could imagine Jimmie would give me lots of explanations about science or whatever books that he has read. I'd rather die than talk to him, but I know that he would kill me too so actually he did a cool job when he was busy with his friends and science projects.
He was there with his friends, I saw him and recognized his face, he was the guy that I met in the rector's room. I wondered why he wanted to defend me from the punishment that I might get in that room. I wanted to know more about him, so I came over him and started asked him about it. He introduced his name to me, Ben, that's his name and he's a senior, we talked for an hour about our lives and music. He told me that he had a band named 85 and he played rock nn roll. I liked him because he was very nice and he liked rock n roll, I could imagine that he would be a sweet boyfriend for me, he asked me to sing in his band, I was worried if I could sing for him but he made me believe that I could do it so I did it. We're so closed and even I felt a bit happy when I spent my time with him. I sang in his band, I played with them and wrote few of songs. We spent our summertime with joys and happiness, we had gigs with the band and played in few of cool pubs. Until then I met him, he was sitting next to me at park that was winter when I saw him for the very first time. He had not talked much, he read a book and smoked. He wore black The Ramones t-shirt and black knee hole jeans, long black straight hair, and he got a lovely face. I could feel love at the first sight and got butterflies in my belly, he got everything that I wanted from a man, although I didn't know him, I could feel tell myself that he shook my heart.
Ben and I went together to Edge Fest it's a rock festival in Dallas and we were so excited about it. I thought that Ben would be happy if I told him that I liked a guy because he knew that my ex-boyfriend was a jerk. Ben was a sweet friend and I told him about the stories in my life, I listened to him when he told me that his ex-girlfriend left him because she wanted to date with his big brother, and they were really dating for a year and Ben knew about it from his brother. He was so brokenhearted so was I, it seemed like our love life did not work well and we realized it's hideous. He told me that he could never fall in love again, he told me that he just wanted to write some of good songs and played guitar. I knew it's so hard for him to forget about his ex-girlfriend because they had been together for five years. I told him that I felt like shit for years and I told him about my mom and how bad she's hurting me, my dad and my brother. He could not believe that Jimmie's my brother because we looked completely different, we both looked like the glam rock and punk rock band, at least we had the same taste in rock just with different style. So I went home with Ben and I told him about a stranger that I met at the park yesterday. I explained that I was happy when I met that guy, I liked him at the first sight and I wondered if Ben could help me find out his identity. Ben stopped talking and walking at the same time, he looked a bit weird and I felt like he didn't like the things that I said. I asked him if everything was okay with him but he didn't answer me and he left me without a word, he just walked away from me.
Chapter 4 - Love
"Hey, are you Alexandra Guinn?" said a guy behind me. I turned around and I couldn't believe it, that guy whom I met at the park just called my name. "Yes I am, what's up?" I replied, I was confused how did he know my name and why did he call me, was it a date invitation? But wait a minute his face looked unhappy. "Mr. White just asked both of us to meet him in his office now", he said with a gentle voice and I could see all the sparkling moon dust around his charming face. I was totally corny and blinded by his charm, I felt so happy when he called my name out and I knew that he could be something that I love for forever. We went to Mr. White's room but my eye couldn't stop looking at his face, he looked so perfect to me, he got all the things that I wanted from a man. "Are you okay Alexandra?" he asked me, "Yes I am, are you?" I replied. We sat nearby in Mr. White's office; I didn't even listen to the things that Mr. White said to me because all my attention went to that guy.
We went out from Mr. White's office and he said something, "Alexandra did you realize that Mr. White is so disappointed with you? You got F in several important subjects so you're in a serious trouble I guess." I was shocked with the words that he just said to me, I didn't even listen to Mr. White when he said all those things to me so I asked him if Mr. White said something to help me and he said "yeah he asked if you are okay if you have to study with me at night?", I was so confused because I didn't know much about it, it's because I just came here for having fun not studying, and I knew that I got F in many subjects but to study together with him at night? That would be awesome. "Are you asking me out? Really? I don't even know your name yet." I replied with a happy voice because I thought it was a date. He was confused and said "excuse me, it's not a date it's called night class, you and I will study at night here." I just realized how stupid I was, "umm may I know your name?" I asked him. "Yes sure, my name is Jason Mirozza but just call me Jason, ok?" he smiled and I felt so much happy, "so what is that? I mean night class?" I asked him again, "Yes it's for students who get bad grades and they need to fix their grades in night class, it's from seven to nine just on Friday", he explained with a sweet raspy voice. I knew it would be suck to be here at night, and I could imagine my dad would give me a frown on his face if I told him about it, but Jason would be with me all night long and I knew that we could get closer, so I thought that's a nice opportunity for me to be with him longer than anyone else.
Chapter 5 - Life
One night after we had our night class he asked me to go with him somewhere. We went to a pub and we talked about lots of things there. "Well Alex, I got a question for you", he said. "Ask away!" I replied and smiled. "Why did you get so many F's" he giggled, so did I but then I replied "Because I don't like school and Dallas, and what about you? Why did you have to study at night too?" I asked him. "Oh Alex,, my life is not fantastic", he said, "well that's why we call it life, right?", I said and smiled at him. I could see that he smiled too and then he smoked a cigarette, so did I. "Nice to know you Alex, I don't like school either. And I guess nobody likes me here, they see me as a garbage, with lot's of problems and bad behaviors, I have no friend here and I don't give them anything either, they're just mannequins to me, they're not living their lives off", he said. I could see a pain in his heart when he said that, that made me feel so bad too. "But I would like to help you", I said that when I saw his face looked so bad and I could feel a tear was about coming down his face. "How to help? I am out of luck, my parents don't even care about me, they're rich but I am not proud of them that's why I left them in L.A and started my life here, I have a band here and we do the gigs every Wednesday and Saturday and I am working in the morning on Monday, Tuesday and Friday from 8 to 5 every week, and I have a baby girl too", he said. I was shocked when he mentioned about the baby girl, I thought he was not married yet. "Are you married?", I asked him. He laughed at me and said "Married? I could not even imagine being a husband and living with a woman, she's not my biological daughter, and no I'M NOT MARRIED!". I was so interested in his life, so I kept asking him questions. "I know you're not going to believe me, are you?", he asked me. "No. I mean why would not I believe you Jason?" I answered. "Because I told you about all the shits in my life, now you'll think I am a loser", he said. I wanted to kiss his cheek so bad but I knew it would ruin his feeling if he didn't expect a kiss from me. "I don't think you're a loser, because I have shits too in my life so you're not the only one!" I replied.
"That baby girl belongs to my ex-girlfriend Alex", he said with an unhappy voice. I just listened to all his words carefully and patiently because I wanted him to tell me all about his life. "She slept with another man and last summer she came to my apartment and put that baby at my door, she was pretty sick, huh?" he said and giggled, I just listened and got no more questions, "Alex, I was so confused because I have to take care her baby now, but I can't just kill the baby or give her to somebody, she deserves a good life, so I decide to work for her life, I feel like she's my own daughter actually", he said with a sad face. I knew it was so hard for both of them, I knew that he needed a help, I knew that he could never study properly because of that baby, so I told him that I would love to help him, he said "I don't have enough money to pay a baby sitter and I think there is no solution here, I might just leave college and focus at working and the baby". I touched his hand and gave him a hug, "Jason, you are not alone here, I know that we have to do it together, I promise that we can do it, and we can show them that we're not idiots, let's rock and roll it out!".
Chapter 6 - Rock n Roll
We have seen so many bad things happened in life, we know it's so hard for us to survive but at least we still have the spirit to get up and make it better. So I was so happy that I could help Jason taking care of his life. We made up the schedules for our night class and babysitting time. Jason brought me to his apartment, and I met the baby there. She's a cute baby and I could see so much love in her big brown eyes. Jason showed me all his activities when he was taking care of the baby, he fed her gently, took her for a bath, put her in the box and read a bedtime story with his sweet voice.
I was babysitting her for couple of weeks until Jason finished his final assignment to fulfill his bachelor degree requirements. I had already took mine last week and Jason was so enthusiast in his final assignment, so I slept at his apartment too if he had a gig with his band at pub. We're getting closer day by day but he never said anything about his feelings about me, and I could not tell anything either. I really enjoyed my time with him and the baby and I didn't even want to ruin it so I didn't say anything about it to him. It's so difficult to keep this feeling inside, I couldn't control it anymore so I would tell him about it on his graduation day.
November 28th 2004, he finally got his degree and graduated from college. We're so happy; I could see his face was shining like the stars. He looked just perfect and handsome as I first met him couple of months ago. He touched my hands and said "Alex, Thank You for all the things that you've done to me, they meant a lot to me, I really appreciate it, I really do". I just gave him a hug and smile because I felt so happy when he touched my hand and said those sweet stuffs to me. He took the baby girl from my arms and asked me to go with him to celebrate it at the pub. I would love to do that but I have prepared a little surprise for him at home so I told him that I would come to his apartment at the afternoon. He said that he would meet with his friends at pub and bring the baby there just for an hour and he would come home to meet me.
Three days ago I bought little things for him and the baby as his graduation gift; I planned to give the gift before his parents came from L.A because I didn't want to meet them. I bought a little cute baby t-shirt with the funny words on it and a cool black sweater for Jason. I was so happy that finally I could tell him about my feelings. I went to his apartment with a happy face and brought the gift for him and the baby. I saw him and the baby at the front door, they were standing there I saw him with the baby and a pretty lady, she wore a sexy dress and Jason gave her a kiss on cheek, he let her holding the baby in her arms. I couldn't believe that, I was almost there, but he seemed so happy with that lady. They all seemed happy even the baby was laughing when she tried to make a silly joke and Jason was helping her there. I didn't want to go and talk to him that time, I just hated it, all the things that I've seen there. I waited up until that lady went with a fancy car, and Jason carried the baby inside. I put the gifts at his apartment door and left that building with the tears in my eyes, I went and locked myself in my room for a week. My dad and Jimmie were worried about me but they knew me well. I got a call from my aunt in New York and she told me that I could work with her there. She worked in a magazine publisher and they needed a graphic designer to draw the covers for their magazines. Lucky me it was a music magazine, and this is something that I wanted to in my life.
I arrived in New York, I met aunt and we went for a dinner at 7 o'clock at night. It was winter and I wanted to see the snow around the Rockefellers park. I felt so cold and empty inside, there was a black hole there, I couldn't forget him easily, he really broke my heart and I hated it. I skated on the ice rink that they had near the park, there were so many people and normally I didn't like crowded place. He didn't see me when he was skating with his friends; I wasn't paying attention to people around me, because that night I felt likes a zombie. I just skated my pain away but my heart was deeply hurt by a man that I really liked. He said sorry and he helped me to stand. I looked at him and tried to cover my face with my hands, he stared and said "what's wrong with you?", I just skated away from him and sat down on the bench out of the rink. He came and sat next to me with two cups of hot chocolate in his hand, he offered me one and I took it. We talked about lots of things but I talked more about my brokenhearted, his name is Alex, it was weird that I talked to somebody named Alex, I just thought life's so funny. Alex could make me feel better, I was worried if I could never talk to people anymore, but he's different because he was not really a man that I wanted in my life but he made me feel good again.
Alex and I decided to spend our spring holiday in Dallas because I missed my dad and Jimmie, and that would be the first time for him to meet my dad and my brother. We have been together for a month since that night where we met in New York. I went to the rest room when we're waiting the plane, I saw Jason was standing in front of me and he recognized me, he was there withtout the baby and said that he felt bad because I thought that lady was his girlfriend, well she was his girlfriend but he did not love her anymore, she's the mother of that baby girl and she was there just to see her baby. I didn't know what to say all I knew is Alex was waiting for me and I couldn't make him waiting for me for forever. I told Jason it's all over and I moved on, I asked him to live his life and be happy. He looked so sad when I said that, but I didn't have another choice because that's the end of the story that we used to have in past.
Alex was still waiting for me but he said something "Are you okay babe?", I knew that he might realize my face was a bit pale. I got a shock with the uninvited Jason and all the things that he said. "It's okay Alex. I'm fine, just a bit tired, well now we can go to Dallas and give me your rock n roll smile now!" we're laughing and then he showed me his super silly grin. \m/
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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 06.07.2013
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