Chapter 1

 

 

I sat, staring at a blackness. An inviting wind gently stroked my face as the smell of aftershave entered my nostrils. Somehow the smell was fresh and appealing, there was a happiness to the smell that irked against the current situation. Nevertheless it made me feel peaceful. I didn’t want to move. I wanted to stay here, squatting on the autumnal leaves surrounded by rotting logs, dampness and death. The dead body lay beside me, I didn’t want to touch him again.

 

 

 

I got up. Nothing in this universe could have been harder for any human being that has ever lived.  I almost laughed at myself. I simply couldn’t face my failure. 20 minutes ago my rage had felt empowering, now I was at the top of a helter skelter that might not have an end. Pity? There was no pity, I was cold. I realised it was over, everything was over and a strange calmness washed over me like milk.

“Right….I” I muttered. Everything was now about me. The realisation slapped me across the face. I started to feel cold. The warm breeze had disappeared temporarily. I was in a wood, my car was by the side of the road. I was lost and I knew I had few choices.

“Tom. You, you…” I decided not to face the reality-temporarily. I closed the door on the car and switched on the radio “don’t fear the reaper” came on in perfect timing. It was summer. I was thrown back to my youth to a Christian camp of my youth. We’d played that song loud and set our souls free driving along the sea front half wondering what we were doing at a Christian camp half enjoying the taste of two worlds. I listened intently to the song and sank in to it. I started laughing. I felt amazing, I was completely unplugged but not for much longer.

 

 

The next song was Saturday night by Elton john. I began to cry. I sobbed. This was a strange experience, never before had my emotions flipped violently like this. I was losing it. It was Friday night at about 10 o clock and my heart felt like a bomb. My spirit, my soul were wrenched from one another it was as though I had physically been torn apart. Perhaps I hadn’t killed him…perhaps he was ok. Maybe if I just got out of the car and checked him he could still be alive perhaps I hadn’t killed him. What the hell were we doing out there? Honestly the whole situation was idiotic.

 

Tom was a nuisance. He was two dimensional there was never any question of anything other than happiness in his life and it annoyed me. He was the single most irritating fool I d ever met. Out of duty I had played along. Going on outings, accepting gifts and playing along with his inane jokes. I had begun to loathe him. But I was stoic. But I’d lost it. I’d lost it. Was he alive? Was he? I didn’t go back. I turned the key in the ignition and slowly drove off.

 

I entered the town and walked towards the mc donalds. Girls with high heels and tight dresses held on to each other and tottered down the street. I didn’t know whether to stare or hide I briefly looked and caught the eyes of a blonde haired girl, her eyes burned my soul. I jogged a couple of steps and kept moving. I ordered a cheese burger and a coke. I slumped down and considered what to do next.

“ You alright mate” shouted a young lad. Fresh slightly drunk and keen to breath in all of the energy that was available to him. The light the dark the pure the impure whatever was available. For a young lad he was clearly already losing control of his life. There was dirt under his nails and tobacco stain around his fingers. His teeth were mostly rotten and his face bore the expression of someone 20 years older.

“Yes mate” I answered.

“ Good. You look like you’ve just shagged a goat mate”….

“I have mate” I replied calmly. He laughed for a second or two.

“ You’re alright mate….have a good night mate you goat shagger”. He was more drunk than I d previously thought. He staggered back to his friends and I got up and walked out.

 

 

I threw my burger in the bin. One bite less than what it was and recommenced my walk up the high street. I started walking up the high street. It was close to 11 o clock. The girls would be expecting us back soon. My legs were shaking so I began jogging. I started to run then sprint. I slowed to a stop my heart thumping. An indescribably skinny woman charged down the high street pushing a buggy and dragging a small child behind. They were wearing the latest fashion and looked miserable. I felt panic again. As I had done before in the car. I took out my phone and rang the police.

 

I was sat in the middle of the high street. A woman police officer approached me and began speaking :

“ hiya love did you just ring the police?” No response.

“Excuse me sir did you hear me?”

“Yes” I replied staring in to a shop window.

“Are you ok duck?” said another female police officer. I wanted not to be there. I began to feel anger with myself. Why couldn’t I live with myself. Why had all that anger resulted in this? Why couldn’t I shrug it off. Because I never had. My conscience never had. How I d done such a thing seemed suddenly so impossible and implausible.

 

After a period of several minutes and a coffee the police finally ascertained that there was a dead body. Lying abandoned near the county showground in a small wood. A dog or person would have found it within a matter of hours. I was cuffed and sat in a police car. I directed them back up the hill to the spot, I felt out of body and couldn’t understand my words and didn’t recognise my voice. We walked to the spot after hiking over the worn out barbed wire fence and drew closer to the spot. Tom had enthusiastically wanted to show me some mushroom or fungus whilst it was still light. I had feigned interest and followed. My anger was so real. The fact of his affair with my wife re entered my mind for the first time in hours. Did he really think I knew nothing? Did he really want to know me? I continued to walk awkwardly due to the cuffs. We carried on and through to an area that I didn’t recall. We walked back. A different panic entered me. There was no body. There appeared to be no trace. Any previous footprints had now been cancelled out. He was gone.

 

It was 2 am. I looked down at my phone. There were 12 texts and 3 missed calls. I dared not at this point check it any further.

“ What am I going to do with you then sir?” an over weight dark eyed police officer calmly said. There must have been some irritation in his voice but I didn’t detect it, there were various shouts and obscenities being declared from the cells. A tiredness had however begun to take over and I could feel the town begin to recoil.

“I’ve tried to kill someone tonight. Well they could be dead.” I simply couldn’t believe myself. I began replaying the event. I d stabbed him once in the neck. He’d fallen instantly to the floor. I just sat there watching him in horror and then the violent swings in mood had begun. Now I felt nothing but cold and drained.

“ Look” The officer began.

“ I ve had 5 officers with dogs looking up there for the past hour”

“There’s no blood and and there’s no body.” He went on “If you’re playing some sort of game son you need to stop it now”.

 

At 6 am I walked through the front door. The house was asleep. Angela s car had gone thankfully. Poor Angela, she really did have no idea. My whole life seemed to have rewound. The children would wake up soon and I could not face them. I needed to know what had happened to Tom. I was afraid. If he had some how got up and made it back home or here or somewhere else what had he said? What would he want?

 

I felt as though I d taken enough drugs to kill most of northern Europe. My brain felt dry as dirt. I was totally drained and could not breathe normally. Stephanie came down the stairs and looked amazing. Despite being tired, more overweight than when we first met her womaliness and beauty had remained and that was all I saw.

“where have you been?” she croaked.

“ I ve left the car in town” I said making the most effort I could to sound normal.

“right” she said looking away. Where the hell was Tom? Was he upstairs? No. That couldn’t be. That was madness.

“Look. I’m going to dash in to town and sort it” I said quietly.

“right” She said. I was becoming dead to her. The worst had already happened.

 

I closed the front door and walked in to town. The sun was filtering through like a painting and dew was already beginning to burn off the grass verges. One or two cars were about. I found the car and opened the door. It was open. I sat down in the drivers seat.

“ There’s going to be some changes steven. I m looking forward to it” The back door closed like a wasp sting. I could just about see a significant blood stain on his shirt as he walked away towards the county buildings then left out of view. I was as still as a sculpture.

Chapter 2

 

 

When I got home the children were awake and the madness had begun. It was half past seven and I felt exhausted. I needed to sleep, I didn’t know what to feel.

“You need to get Freya ready for ballet.” Steph announced in a manner more her old self. Business like and energised. I excused myself and went upstairs to use the toilet. As I sat I got my phone out. I was phasing in and out of utter panic and utter exhaustion. The three missed calls were from Steph, and ten of the 12 missed texts were repeat texts from Tom, my phone had been playing up and kept resending the same texts again and again. The last two texts were the same : “ Steven… Steven”.

 

The day passed begningly enough. Miraculously. The children got on with their activities, even my son went to his ballet without too much fuss. I made it to the evening and the tiredness began to finally take over despite the constant feeling of fear. I was woken by my phone going off at 9 pm and I was as awake as a new born child screaming. Steph was annoyed I d fallen asleep her patience was wearing thin. Perhaps my depression or was it self pity had finally driven her to do what she’d done. I blamed myself again. I unlocked my phone and it died. Technology…I plugged it in and went in to my daughters room. She was fast asleep. I kissed her and went in to my son. He was playing with lego happily

“ Hello Daddy” he said. I told him to finish his creation and get to bed and walked downstairs.

 

“Angela was out of her mind last night…where were you? Where’s Tom?” There was a confident anger in her voice.

“sorry…” I dropped my head and began panicking again, “where’s Tom?”…”where’s Tom?” Why was she asking me that? Well it was obvious. He wasn’t at home. But more than that where was the shame? Was this an elaborate act to put me off the scent? Did she want me back? Had she tired of Tom? I put aside the secondary questions and furiously tried to come up with an answer.

“We got in to an argument Stephanie” I said surprisingly calmly. I was exhausting myself with the effort of every word. All I wanted to do was get out of here or hide or sleep.

“ Look Steven Angela is coming round in 20 minutes. She’s had to get another babysitter and she’s fuming. Tom’s phone appears to be turned off can you please….do something” She’d gone in to organiser business mode, it was quite sexy but at the same time there was a touch of anxiety in her voice.

 

“It’s getting on for 10 o clock, why’s she coming round?” I said desperately, “Well, she’s concerned. They’ve never been apart like this in 15 years Steven. Anyway she’s had to get the kids down before she left her mother with the kids etc”

“What was she saying last night?” This was a stupid question.

“she was WORRIED….I tried ringing you 3 times. In the end she went back to Eccleshall”. They lived in a house far superior to ours. On the occasions we stayed over at theirs for a night I couldn’t help but feel inadequate and the return stay usually didn’t live up to their level. Tom did not work per se. I hope to the chagrin of Angela. She was an amazing woman. A hard working solicitor  in Stone, she’d attained her qualifications and was now earning a substansial salary. Angela and Steph had known each other at university, Tom and I had become friends as a result.

“Ok ok, I m sorry, look I don’t know where he is now.” I was beginning to sound ridiculous. I was starting to really want to get out of the house.

“I m trying to sleep” My son Tyler piped up clad in his pajamas. We ushered him up stairs as calmly as possible and went in to the living room.

“Can you please explain what happened last night Steven?” 

“Just give me some time” I replied.

 

Angela arrived at 10 Pm with an expression that would chill the soul. Her face was anger personified. Towards me. Her frizzy hair looked like fire and her eyes burned with the fires of hell. I possessed the soul of a rabbit and the countenance of eeyore.

“WHERE IS HE!!” She yelled. A child began crying.

“ Angela please calm down let me explain. Please….please”

“can I get you a cup of tea?” Stephanie appeased. I went upstairs and calmed Tyler down. He was shocked but somehow I managed it. Before I dared to face the wrath again I unplugged my phone. It wasn’t fully charged but I pressed it on before I faced Angela again. The relationship was now over. I wondered if Stephanie could recover the situation but I doubted it. My text alarm went off and against my better judgment I opened the text, it was Tom: Get to Town for 9:30 if you want to live.

 

My first reaction was pure horror. This was followed by another wave of realisation of what I’d done. I’d failed to kill him but regardless I couldn’t detach myself from what I d done. I felt no relief that he was still alive. My second reaction was to conclude that this was a joke. He was going through another silly joke. A night out of jollity and forced laughter would be planned. Considering what had happened I thought this unlikely however I went with it and replied to his text in a playful way: LOL! Where are you? His reply truly scared me: Where are you? Meet me in Joxers in 5 minutes and don’t tell anyone you’re meeting me.

 

It was now 9:50 pm. I had 5 minutes and had to leave now. Angela began to verbally attack me. Some part of me began thinking you’re 42 years old and your beloved Tom has never been away from you? What is this relationship husband and wife or mother son? Momentarily I seemed to cope with the situation

“ Look Angela, calm down. The children are upset. I don’t know what’s going on with Tom but he’s 42 years old I m sure he’ll be fine.” Tom was annoying me again the same root of anger began to grow again, it scared me momentarily and then changed in to a fearful anger lust that I now realised was what had driven me to commit such a horrible crime. But I was tasting it again. I wanted to be horrified I wanted to be repulsed but I began not to care I began to feel the power of it the same as I had last night.

“You arrogant….how dare you judge me? Look at the state of you Steve. You’re ashen. How can you st…”

“Angela. I m going out. Steph I m sorry. I m sorry both of you” I walked out of the door and quickly got in the car. Both the girls weren’t sure if I was for real. I d never been this direct. I suppose they thought I d be walking back in seconds later but I wasn’t I needed to get in to town and work out what was going on.

Chapter 3

 

 

 

I closed the door and locked it. I d parked it by the monstrous new county council building and jittered through the alley leading up to joxers. My eyelids felt raw. I must have looked like a drug addict. I must have stunk. I hadn’t washed in two days or changed. Inexplicably I put my hands in my pocket as though I was having a relaxing stroll. I felt the wood and blade edge of my knife. I pulled it out and opened it. It was red with dried blood and brought on another wave of anxiety. This time I couldn’t handle it. I staggered over to the grave yard and almost fell on the floor, I lay there a few seconds trying to compose myself my knife was still in my hand. It had been a gift from a friend a few years ago. It was inconsiderable. This was probably the reason Tom was still alive. I felt hope. Something good had prevented the worst from happening. I d eventually be arrested but at least we…I’d get over this in a few years. I didn’t kill him, I didn’t. Strength returned to my legs and another wave of peace and calm swept over me. All of a sudden it was a Saturday night. I was going to pay a large price when I got home, we both were but hopefully we could work something out over a pint. Set things straight. Perhaps I could say I d slipped then panicked. Maybe I d gone to get help? I swept my hair back took a deep breath and continued through the narrow alley and round the corner.

 

I walked towards Joxers and looked inside from the outside. I scanned as much as I could: Jez was in full flow gaffawing and protesting. His fierce southern accent spoke unashamed and brashly. It was a pub of sorts, southerners, scousers, locals, all seem to melange in to one. I cautiously stepped in and was greeted by Johnny Q, I smiled and brushed politely passed. I tried not to be spotted by Jez because I knew he’d grab me and buy me a drink. I’d then be locked in

Impressum

Verlag: BookRix GmbH & Co. KG

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 22.12.2014
ISBN: 978-3-7368-6643-0

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