Inhalt

Sometimes I think Sumio and I are the weirdest couple. First of all we are both boys (oh, believe me, I’ve got photos to prove that) but the ironic thing is our names deny the fact that we are male. My name is Guinevere and Sumio is Sumio. Guinevere, as you all know, was the name of King Arthurs wife. My mom was sure I would be a girl. That’s why I was born as Guinevere despite what is between my two legs.
Sumio’s story is different. He had a twin sister named Sumio back in the times when my Sumio was Kyo. In some terrible accident that involved playing with matches, Sumio the twin was burned to death. Thus, Kyo’s mother lost her mind and started calling Kyo Sumio, believing he was the actual Sumio. And after 13 years of being called Sumio, Kyo became Sumio afterall…
But that’s not the part, or should I say the only part, that makes us weird. The story of us encountering each other is pretty peculiar on its own.
It began with me sliding the razor down my arm and cutting open a vein, Sumio taking just too many pills at once. Later on, while drunk, he confessed “The amount of pills I’m taking, counteracts the booze I’m drinking…” he said this as if doing algebra.
But it wasn’t too late when both of us were discovered. I remember the paramedics and the blood stain and the sirens. Sumio remembers the paramedics and the barf all over his face and the sirens as well. Our will to die brought us back to life. Because after all the commotion, finally we were in the hospital beds, and next to each other.. The first thing he uttered to me was “Did you fail too?”. Although it could’ve been a sarcastic question, and it sounded so, we both knew it was serious. So I replied “I’m trying, I’m trying…”. But after that time, I never tried again, because dying would mean losing him. So if I were to die I think I’d love to die alone… But now I’m not alone. Sumio is holding my hand.
Never leave two boys, both with girls names alone in a hospital room. Because, in a week, Sumio and I were one. It was as if we knew each other for a life time, not a week. And now I knew what love was. Before I never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend. I’m known to be unsocial. And I didn’t mind much anyways. Sumio, but Sumio and I are chemistry. Chemistry of love. Sumio is my chemical romance. I can’t think of a life without him. When I close my eyes, trying to sleep in bed without him beside me sometimes I think I’ll die alone. Why do I even think of such a terrible thing? Sumio is not going anywhere… Or is he? So that’s our beginning! And we can run, from the backdrop of these gears and scalpels. At every hour goes the tick-tock bang of monitors as they started us down when we met in the emergency room, and in our beds, I could hear you breathe with help from the cold machines…
People used to tell me “You’re young, and strong and handsome as well. I don’t understand why you would try to hurt yourself.”. Like anyone asked about their opinions. My scars are beautiful, can’t they see?! Sumio kisses them, and it makes them even more special. Sumio also has scars on him, and boy do they make me horny! Unlike me, he doesn’t cut. He uses himself as a portable cigarette holder. He also offered me to extinguish my cigarettes on him, but a force in me stops me.
He has an issue with fire. Once, in the middle of the summer, he offered that we light a fire in the fireplace. Also, in his one-bedroom apartment, he has about a thousand candles, the wax melted, messing up the carpet and the furniture. But it makes his house smell nice and romantic. It reminds me of a starry night. But he disagrees. It’s as if he hates them, but can’t live without them either. He asked me “Night time sky? Can you take this spike? Will it wash away this jet black feeling?”.
Sometimes he talks so poetically. Especially when he’s drunk. Oh how he loves whiskey! And the things he whispers in my ear once he had drunken a bottle or two! He told me “I’ll never let them hurt you, I promise.”. When I asked him who was going to hurt me, he just kept on saying over and over again “Can you stake my heart? Can you stake my heart?...”. Then he took the bottle of whisky and spilled it all over him. I just stayed there, watching, until I saw he was trying to light a match. He was so drunk, he even failed to do that, and thank god he did, or this would end up being worse than just a juicy scar. I took him to the bathroom, and gave him a bath. I took away his matches just in case…
Once we were freed from the hospital that we’ve spent three weeks in, I had nowhere to go. My parents had come for a ‘decent’ visit in the hospital, saying I was 16 and already making my own decisions such as ending my life. I was on my own. I did not object, because I already had had an argument with them, saying that I wanted to have my own apartment room. They were over protective, but now that they saw that they weren’t capable of protecting me, they were letting go. Forever.
Sumio had an apartment. I didn’t dare ask him whether I could stay with him or not, so it was him who offered for me to stay. He gave me no deadline to move out. So I stayed there, until we were paying the rent together.
At the time I was 16, and he was 22. We had a six year age difference, but he looked oh so younger! People would refer to him as ‘your little friend’. He had a face like angels. We have an inside joke. To wake him up I whisper in his ear “Stolen from my eyes, hello angel.” He whispers back “Tell me where are you. Tell me where we go from here.’ And together “This broken city sky.”. That’s usually about the time when we start to make-out in bed. His face is soft against mine. And by the time we split apart, his face is red. We kiss hard. That’s how we start the day. It’s been going on like this for 9 months now. We truly love each other…
My parents called. First time in 9 whole months. And they want me back. I’ve been waiting for this day to come. So I replied on autopilot “Well I’ll choose the life I’ve taken, never mind the friends I’m making.” And without waiting for a reply I hung up. Once I hung up, I felt dizzy. Like I was about to puke. I saw the walls getting closer, and I think I’ll blow my brains against the ceiling. I need a razor or a knife. And fast.
When Sumio found me, I had dirtied his rug with blood. These hands, stained red are so guilty. But he was calm, as always. He sat me literally on his lap. I put my head against his shoulder. He cleaned my cut, which wasn’t too deep, but deep enough. Then he wrapped it with bandages he kept in the pantry. Once he was done, we just stayed like that. Quiet. Peaceful. It was him who broke the silence after an hour “Oh how wrong we were to think immortality meant never dying.” I buried my face in his shirt, trying to understand what he could’ve meant. But sometimes understanding may not be always necessary, because I know that whatever he says, he says it with love and care. And we fell asleep, just like that.
When I woke up, Sumio was gone. He probably had a course. He has been studying museum management, and he takes school seriously. On the other hand, I go to the local highschool, only the days I feel like it. In a year it’s my turn to start college. I’ve got no idea on what I’ll do for a living. I’m satisfied with my part-time-job in 7eleven. It feels like I can retire as being a cashier. Though, it feels unfair. Sumio goes to college and has an actual job. He works in a gallery three times a week. Hah! I guess he’s the man in our relationship where as I’m the no-good housewife. Though, as I mentioned before, he’s the one with the pretty face. Oh how his lips go red once I touch him! How gentle he is when pulling on my hair while making out! And when we make out, that’s a different story. His tongue falls on your tongue like pixie dust, just think happy thoughts…
Sumio, Sumio, Sumio… All I can think of is Sumio. I wish he never had to go anywhere. Late dawns and early sunsets. I wish the nights were longer. Don’t I just love the nights! The bed, warm sheets. His naked thigh against mine. Am I being disgusting? Pervert like? But it’s the truth. It’s not just his words and tenderness I love in him. Isn’t it obvious? I can talk about his soft skin forever.
I can’t understand how people find gay people gross. Not that we are gay! We have no gender. I think it’s the stupidest thing to limit your soulmate options with gender borders. That’s what we are…soulmates…
We were walking down the street when this biker dude stuck his foot out to trip me –making fun of us for being in love-. Don’t be fooled by his innocent face. Sumio broke the biker dudes nose. And after seeing what we saw, can we still reclaim our innocence?
Despite his calm characteristic, when angry he’s such a heart breaker and so fierce. As ice cold hands rip into your heart. That’s if you’ve still got one that’s left, inside that cave you call a chest… Oh, it would be the world’s end if we were ever to break up! Or in the minimum have a fight… That’s right! Not once have we had a fight! Though we were close to have one… No shouts. No, Sumio doesn’t shout. He gives you the silent treatment. And it’s worse. It’s as if he’s dead when he’s upset. He’s a soul. But does anyone notice, there’s a corpse in this bed? And it doesn’t matter whether if you are right or if you’re wrong. No matter what, you’ll be the first to say I’m sorry.
Our fighting topic was just so stupid. I wanted to drop out of school. What’s the need to go to school…when you literally don’t go anyways most of the time? He just shrugged and didn’t say a word. As I said, this wasn’t an actual argument. I took his silent treatment for a week. He would come home a bit late, going to bed just a bit too early. We were on odd sides of the bed. Tense it was, and painful too. As days fade, and nights grow, and we go cold. I almost went insane. Let me break this awkward silence… Now. Now. Now. So I did.
“Sumio?”
“Hm?”
“I’m sorry. It was stupid of me to even think of quitting school…”
“Guinevere?”
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
“Stolen from my eyes, hello angel.”
“Tell me where are you, tell me where we go from here.”
And together “This broken city sky.”
I love the asshole. I truly do. You can guess what happened next.
Lately Sumio has been drinking, more than usual. Again, when he was drunk like a sailor, he pleaded “Tell me the story over again!”. He does this every time he succeeds to still be awake after drinking all night. “Guinevere, tell me how we met.”. This was going onto Of Mice and Men all over again. “Well, we were two unhappy boys…”. Like he didn’t know he asked “Unhappy? Guinevere, why were we unhappy?”. Every time I tried to make it sound more and more poetically “We could be perfect one last night, and never be afraid again. We’ve only got one chance to put this to an end.” but I knew my poetry was incomparable to his. “Lights some candles, and honey? Tell me why we were sad.” That’s what he does. Lights candles whenever thinking of the past. Of the dark ages. So I went on with telling out tale…
I was a little boy when my dad left me and my bitch. It had become a routine by now; leaving us, coming back, leaving us, coming back and so on… My mom was sick of the situation. She would tell me “Let’s say goodbye, the hundredth time. A kiss goodbye!”. I needed a figure to call ’a dad’. In the mean while my English teacher, Mr. Gordon, was rather nice towards me. So I became the teacher’s pet. What happened? He raped me. I was only 10. What did I do? Nothing. No. Fucking. Thing. And he made sure of it. He explained that if I were to tell my parents or anyone, no one would like me anymore. I would be a disgrace, an outcast. Then as if it was just a regular English lesson, he made me spell out disgrace and outcast.
The day before I slid the razor across my arm, I read the news paper…an article about him. A girl (age 11) had reported him. But he was found NOT GUILTY. He’s out there, doing the same things to other children as what he did to me. And his picture in the paper…showed me he hadn’t changed a bit.
About Sumio’s reasons; we like to sugar it up a bit.
One day the devil decided to leave a box matches for a little girl to discover them. The angels saw it, but didn’t do anything about it, afterall the little girl was so pretty and nice, the angels wanted her to join them. She burnt a match. And the fire swallowed her up, giving her wings and a hoop crown. She had become an angel. And she was happy where she was. But her poor mother was unprepared. So the mother mistook her little boy for her little girl. The little boy stood quite and proud to be mistaken for an angel. But by time he forgot how to pretend to be his twin sister. If only he could see her once again, learn how to be the little girl so he could please his poor confused mother. He had to reach heaven to see her. And fast. The pills were his tickets to his sister. He was so close…
“But your angel sister thought it wasn’t time, for neither of us. And the next thing we know, we were in beds, next to each other. We fell in love and lived happily ever after…” Bedtime story was over. Time to sleep…
There is something wrong with the way Sumio walks. Not in a way that there is something with his leg. How to describe it? He looks stiff. Almost as if he has no joints. Also, not that he ever had a big appetite, but he doesn’t eat much anymore.
Ok, I admit, it’s more than just that. He who usually could talk a mile an hour, lately doesn’t talk much. When he does, it’s just confusing. “Sumio, how’s school?” I was just trying to make small talk. His reply was insane “Like scarecrows, that fuel this flame, we’re burning…” His eyes…look in bewilderment. His pupils, as small as the tip of a needle. And the worst part is, he has trouble with sleeping. I gave him my sleeping pills. I’m the one who has the sleeping problems in this relationship. He takes them, but when he does, he’s sleepwalking.
When I woke up to get a glass of water, I realized he wasn’t beside me. And there was an unusual glow in the house. I thought ‘God! Not again!’. There he was, lighting his damn candles, with blood shot eyes. “Sumio?” no response. He didn’t hear me because he was sleeping. I took him to the sink and splashed water on his face. That woke him up. “Sumio, tell me what number?!” I stuck three fingers in his face “It’s just a vacant three by four…”. By this point, I was crying. “Sumio, I’m worried. About you.” He went to bed. And I stood by the sink, longing for a knife.
I fall asleep on the couch, kind of scared to sleep by Sumio. I dream, of me digging a grave. Sumio’s grave. I wake up screaming. Sumio is up, staring at me. The candles give his face a freaky glow. “Sumio?”
“Be quiet and just listen.” I nod.
“Hand in mine, into your icy blues and then I’d say to you we could take to the highway, with this trunk of ammunition too, I’d end my days with you in hail of bullets…’
I’m panting. “Sumio, you’re scaring me.”
He shouts. The first time I hear him shout “Shut the fuck UP!”. Then he goes to a whisper. “Please, just listen. I would drive onto the end with you, a liquor store or two keeps the gas tank full. And I feel like there’s nothing left to do but prove myself to you and we’ll keep it running. But this time I mean it, I’ll let you know just how much you mean to me. As snow falls on desert sky, until the end of everything.” He comes closer. My heart is beating like a drum. He tries to kiss me, but I turn my face away.
“Sumio, don’t. Look, there’s something wrong. With you. But we are gonna get over this too.”. He Holds my hand. He shuts his eyes, and when he opens them for the first time in days his face looks normal. His expression calm, his pupils back where they belong. This is my Sumio, the one that I love.
“Guinevere, I’m sorry. It’s the pills… Look, I need fresh air, or even better, a ride. I’ll drive, sounds good?” I feel a wave of relief wash over me.
“Ok, a ride. Sounds good.”
Sumio doesn’t drive unless he is going somewhere far away or important. I’ve never been in his second hand Volvo before. He usually takes his bike. Sometimes I stand on the frame of the bike, holding onto him. We have so much fun trying to balance!
We are quiet, scared to get things all crazy over again. He drives. I turn on the classical music channel. I assure myself thing are going to get better. I close my eyes and smile to myself. Then, he makes a sharp turn. We are headed straightly forward to a wall. “Sumio! STOP!” I plead. 10 yards, 8 yards. “STOP SUMIO STOP!” 5 yards, 4 yards. “BE REASONABLE! SUMIO! STO—“ WHAM.
I wake up in a hospital room. Second time in one year. A nurse with a huge beauty mark on her chin smiles at me and cheers “Well well well! Look who’s awake!” I feel like shit. “What happened?”. She uses these exaggerated hand gestures while telling me “Honey, you tried to commit suicide. Again. And you failed. *thank god!* Again. You’re ok, but I can’t say the same your car!” there’s sarcasm in the last sentence. She’s annoying. “Sumio? What happened to Sumio?”. She looks confused. “Sumio?” she repeats. “YES! SUMIO! He was with me! In the car!”.
She says “Let me check.” And gushes out of the room. When she comes back she has an even more confused face on. “They say that there was no one else with you in the car. Do you know her surname?”. I’m getting pissed. “His surname is Akiyoshi. And I’m pretty sure I wasn’t alone!”. She leaves the room once again. I’m alone for more than half an hour. I hear an argument outside the door. Another nurse comes in. She looks older and more experienced. She’s here to give bad news. I can tell it from her face. “Mr. Guinevere Levine?” she is scared to utter the following words. “Yes? Is he ok?!” she takes a deep breath “Mr. Levine, I’m sorry to say this but, your friend, Sumio Akiyoshi? He died, almost about nine months ago. After failing to commit suicide with pills, after a week in the hospital, he hung himself in the hospital bathroom. I’m very sorry.” Then she leaves the room. I just sit there, digesting what I’ve just heard.

Bolded version

Sometimes I think Sumio and I are the weirdest couple. First of all we are both boys (oh, believe me, I’ve got photos to prove that) but the ironic thing is our names deny the fact that we are male. My name is Guinevere and Sumio is Sumio. Guinevere, as you all know, was the name of King Arthurs wife. My mom was sure I would be a girl. That’s why I was born as Guinevere despite what is between my two legs.
Sumio’s story is different. He had a twin sister named Sumio back in the times when my Sumio was Kyo. In some terrible accident that involved playing with matches, Sumio the twin was burned to death. Thus, Kyo’s mother lost her mind and started calling Kyo Sumio, believing he was the actual Sumio. And after 13 years of being called Sumio, Kyo became Sumio afterall…
But that’s not the part, or should I say the only part, that makes us weird. The story of us encountering each other is pretty peculiar on its own.
It began with me sliding the razor down my arm and cutting open a vein, Sumio taking just too many pills at once. Later on, while drunk, he confessed “The amount of pills I’m taking, counteracts the booze I’m drinking…” he said this as if doing algebra.
But it wasn’t too late when both of us were discovered. I remember the paramedics and the blood stain and the sirens. Sumio remembers the paramedics and the barf all over his face and the sirens as well. Our will to die brought us back to life. Because after all the commotion, finally we were in the hospital beds, and next to each other.. The first thing he uttered to me was “Did you fail too?”. Although it could’ve been a sarcastic question, and it sounded so, we both knew it was serious. So I replied “I’m trying, I’m trying…”. But after that time, I never tried again, because dying would mean losing him. So if I were to die I think I’d love to die alone… But now I’m not alone. Sumio is holding my hand.
Never leave two boys, both with girls names alone in a hospital room. Because, in a week, Sumio and I were one. It was as if we knew each other for a life time, not a week. And now I knew what love was. Before I never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend. I’m known to be unsocial. And I didn’t mind much anyways. Sumio, but Sumio and I are chemistry. Chemistry of love. Sumio is my chemical romance. I can’t think of a life without him. When I close my eyes, trying to sleep in bed without him beside me sometimes I think I’ll die alone. Why do I even think of such a terrible thing? Sumio is not going anywhere… Or is he? So that’s our beginning! And we can run, from the backdrop of these gears and scalpels. At every hour goes the tick-tock bang of monitors as they started us down when we met in the emergency room, and in our beds, I could hear you breathe with help from the cold machines…

***

People used to tell me “You’re young, and strong and handsome as well. I don’t understand why you would try to hurt yourself.”. Like anyone asked about their opinions. My scars are beautiful, can’t they see?! Sumio kisses them, and it makes them even more special. Sumio also has scars on him, and boy do they make me horny! Unlike me, he doesn’t cut. He uses himself as a portable cigarette holder. He also offered me to extinguish my cigarettes on him, but a force in me stops me.
He has an issue with fire. Once, in the middle of the summer, he offered that we light a fire in the fireplace. Also, in his one-bedroom apartment, he has about a thousand candles, the wax melted, messing up the carpet and the furniture. But it makes his house smell nice and romantic. It reminds me of a starry night. But he disagrees. It’s as if he hates them, but can’t live without them either. He asked me “Night time sky? Can you take this spike? Will it wash away this jet black feeling?”.
Sometimes he talks so poetically. Especially when he’s drunk. Oh how he loves whiskey! And the things he whispers in my ear once he had drunken a bottle or two! He told me “I’ll never let them hurt you, I promise.”. When I asked him who was going to hurt me, he just kept on saying over and over again “Can you stake my heart? Can you stake my heart?...”. Then he took the bottle of whisky and spilled it all over him. I just stayed there, watching, until I saw he was trying to light a match. He was so drunk, he even failed to do that, and thank god he did, or this would end up being worse than just a juicy scar. I took him to the bathroom, and gave him a bath. I took away his matches just in case…

***

Once we were freed from the hospital that we’ve spent three weeks in, I had nowhere to go. My parents had come for a ‘decent’ visit in the hospital, saying I was 16 and already making my own decisions such as ending my life. I was on my own. I did not object, because I already had had an argument with them, saying that I wanted to have my own apartment room. They were over protective, but now that they saw that they weren’t capable of protecting me, they were letting go. Forever.
Sumio had an apartment. I didn’t dare ask him whether I could stay with him or not, so it was him who offered for me to stay. He gave me no deadline to move out. So I stayed there, until we were paying the rent together.
At the time I was 16, and he was 22. We had a six year age difference, but he looked oh so younger! People would refer to him as ‘your little friend’. He had a face like angels. We have an inside joke. To wake him up I whisper in his ear “Stolen from my eyes, hello angel.” He whispers back “Tell me where are you. Tell me where we go from here." And together “This broken city sky.”. That’s usually about the time when we start to make-out in bed. His face is soft against mine. And by the time we split apart, his face is red. We kiss hard. That’s how we start the day. It’s been going on like this for 9 months now. We truly love each other…

***

My parents called. First time in 9 whole months. And they want me back. I’ve been waiting for this day to come. So I replied on autopilot “Well I’ll choose the life I’ve taken, never mind the friends I’m making.” And without waiting for a reply I hung up. Once I hung up, I felt dizzy. Like I was about to puke. I saw the walls getting closer, and I think I’ll blow my brains against the ceiling. I need a razor or a knife. And fast.
When Sumio found me, I had dirtied his rug with blood. These hands, stained red are so guilty. But he was calm, as always. He sat me literally on his lap. I put my head against his shoulder. He cleaned my cut, which wasn’t too deep, but deep enough. Then he wrapped it with bandages he kept in the pantry. Once he was done, we just stayed like that. Quiet. Peaceful. It was him who broke the silence after an hour “Oh how wrong we were to think immortality meant never dying.” I buried my face in his shirt, trying to understand what he could’ve meant. But sometimes understanding may not be always necessary, because I know that whatever he says, he says it with love and care. And we fell asleep, just like that.
When I woke up, Sumio was gone. He probably had a course. He has been studying museum management, and he takes school seriously. On the other hand, I go to the local highschool, only the days I feel like it. In a year it’s my turn to start college. I’ve got no idea on what I’ll do for a living. I’m satisfied with my part-time-job in 7eleven. It feels like I can retire as being a cashier. Though, it feels unfair. Sumio goes to college and has an actual job. He works in a gallery three times a week. Hah! I guess he’s the man in our relationship where as I’m the no-good housewife. Though, as I mentioned before, he’s the one with the pretty face. Oh how his lips go red once I touch him! How gentle he is when pulling on my hair while making out! And when we make out, that’s a different story. His tongue falls on your tongue like pixie dust, just think happy thoughts…

***

Sumio, Sumio, Sumio… All I can think of is Sumio. I wish he never had to go anywhere. Late dawns and early sunsets. I wish the nights were longer. Don’t I just love the nights! The bed, warm sheets. His naked thigh against mine. Am I being disgusting? Pervert like? But it’s the truth. It’s not just his words and tenderness I love in him. Isn’t it obvious? I can talk about his soft skin forever.
I can’t understand how people find gay people gross. Not that we are gay! We have no gender. I think it’s the stupidest thing to limit your soulmate options with gender borders. That’s what we are…soulmates…
We were walking down the street when this biker dude stuck his foot out to trip me –making fun of us for being in love-. Don’t be fooled by his innocent face. Sumio broke the biker dudes nose. And after seeing what we saw, can we still reclaim our innocence?
Despite his calm characteristic, when angry he’s such a heart breaker and so fierce. As ice cold hands rip into your heart. That’s if you’ve still got one that’s left, inside that cave you call a chest… Oh, it would be the world’s end if we were ever to break up! Or in the minimum have a fight… That’s right! Not once have we had a fight! Though we were close to have one… No shouts. No, Sumio doesn’t shout. He gives you the silent treatment. And it’s worse. It’s as if he’s dead when he’s upset. He’s a soul. But does anyone notice, there’s a corpse in this bed? And it doesn’t matter whether if you are right or if you’re wrong. No matter what, you’ll be the first to say I’m sorry.
Our fighting topic was just so stupid. I wanted to drop out of school. What’s the need to go to school…when you literally don’t go anyways most of the time? He just shrugged and didn’t say a word. As I said, this wasn’t an actual argument. I took his silent treatment for a week. He would come home a bit late, going to bed just a bit too early. We were on odd sides of the bed. Tense it was, and painful too. As days fade, and nights grow, and we go cold. I almost went insane. Let me break this awkward silence… Now. Now. Now. So I did.
“Sumio?”
“Hm?”
“I’m sorry. It was stupid of me to even think of quitting school…”
“Guinevere?”
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
 “Stolen from my eyes, hello angel.”
“Tell me where are you, tell me where we go from here.”
And together “This broken city sky.”
I love the asshole. I truly do. You can guess what happened next.

***

Lately Sumio has been drinking, more than usual. Again, when he was drunk like a sailor, he pleaded “Tell me the story over again!”. He does this every time he succeeds to still be awake after drinking all night. “Guinevere, tell me how we met.”. This was going onto Of Mice and Men all over again. “Well, we were two unhappy boys…”. Like he didn’t know he asked “Unhappy? Guinevere, why were we unhappy?”. Every time I tried to make it sound more and more poetically “We could be perfect one last night, and never be afraid again. We’ve only got one chance to put this to an end.” but I knew my poetry was incomparable to his. “Lights some candles, and honey? Tell me why we were sad.” That’s what he does. Lights candles whenever thinking of the past. Of the dark ages. So I went on with telling out tale…
I was a little boy when my dad left me and my bitch. It had become a routine by now; leaving us, coming back, leaving us, coming back and so on… My mom was sick of the situation. She would tell me “Let’s say goodbye, the hundredth time. A kiss goodbye!”. I needed a figure to call ’a dad’. In the mean while my English teacher, Mr. Gordon, was rather nice towards me. So I became the teacher’s pet. What happened? He raped me. I was only 10. What did I do? Nothing. No. Fucking. Thing. And he made sure of it. He explained that if I were to tell my parents or anyone, no one would like me anymore. I would be a disgrace, an outcast. Then as if it was just a regular English lesson, he made me spell out disgrace and outcast.
The day before I slid the razor across my arm, I read the news paper…an article about him. A girl (age 11) had reported him. But he was found NOT GUILTY. He’s out there, doing the same things to other children as what he did to me. And his picture in the paper…showed me he hadn’t changed a bit.
About Sumio’s reasons; we like to sugar it up a bit.
One day the devil decided to leave a box matches for a little girl to discover them. The angels saw it, but didn’t do anything about it, afterall the little girl was so pretty and nice, the angels wanted her to join them. She burnt a match. And the fire swallowed her up, giving her wings and a hoop crown. She had become an angel. And she was happy where she was. But her poor mother was unprepared. So the mother mistook her little boy for her little girl. The little boy stood quite and proud to be mistaken for an angel. But by time he forgot how to pretend to be his twin sister. If only he could see her once again, learn how to be the little girl so he could please his poor confused mother. He had to reach heaven to see her. And fast. The pills were his tickets to his sister. He was so close…
“But your angel sister thought it wasn’t time, for neither of us. And the next thing we know, we were in beds, next to each other. We fell in love and lived happily ever after…” Bedtime story was over. Time to sleep…

***

There is something wrong with the way Sumio walks. Not in a way that there is something with his leg. How to describe it? He looks stiff. Almost as if he has no joints. Also, not that he ever had a big appetite, but he doesn’t eat much anymore.
Ok, I admit, it’s more than just that. He who usually could talk a mile an hour, lately doesn’t talk much. When he does, it’s just confusing. “Sumio, how’s school?” I was just trying to make small talk. His reply was insane “Like scarecrows, that fuel this flame, we’re burning…” His eyes…look in bewilderment. His pupils, as small as the tip of a needle. And the worst part is, he has trouble with sleeping. I gave him my sleeping pills. I’m the one who has the sleeping problems in this relationship. He takes them, but when he does, he’s sleepwalking.
When I woke up to get a glass of water, I realized he wasn’t beside me. And there was an unusual glow in the house. I thought ‘God! Not again!’. There he was, lighting his damn candles, with blood shot eyes. “Sumio?” no response. He didn’t hear me because he was sleeping. I took him to the sink and splashed water on his face. That woke him up. “Sumio, tell me what number?!” I stuck three fingers in his face “It’s just a vacant three by four…”. By this point, I was crying. “Sumio, I’m worried. About you.” He went to bed. And I stood by the sink, longing for a knife.

***

I fall asleep on the couch, kind of scared to sleep by Sumio. I dream, of me digging a grave. Sumio’s grave. I wake up screaming. Sumio is up, staring at me. The candles give his face a freaky glow. “Sumio?”
“Be quiet and just listen.” I nod.
 “Hand in mine, into your icy blues and then I’d say to you we could take to the highway, with this trunk of ammunition too, I’d end my days with you in hail of bullets…"
I’m panting. “Sumio, you’re scaring me.”
He shouts. The first time I hear him shout “Shut the fuck UP!”. Then he goes to a whisper. “Please, just listen. I would drive onto the end with you, a liquor store or two keeps the gas tank full. And I feel like there’s nothing left to do but prove myself to you and we’ll keep it running. But this time I mean it, I’ll let you know just how much you mean to me. As snow falls on desert sky, until the end of everything.” He comes closer. My heart is beating like a drum. He tries to kiss me, but I turn my face away.
“Sumio, don’t. Look, there’s something wrong. With you. But we are gonna get over this too.”. He Holds my hand. He shuts his eyes, and when he opens them for the first time in days his face looks normal. His expression calm, his pupils back where they belong. This is my Sumio, the one that I love.
“Guinevere, I’m sorry. It’s the pills… Look, I need fresh air, or even better, a ride. I’ll drive, sounds good?” I feel a wave of relief wash over me.
“Ok, a ride. Sounds good.”
Sumio doesn’t drive unless he is going somewhere far away or important. I’ve never been in his second hand Volvo before. He usually takes his bike. Sometimes I stand on the frame of the bike, holding onto him. We have so much fun trying to balance!
We are quiet, scared to get things all crazy over again. He drives. I turn on the classical music channel. I assure myself thing are going to get better. I close my eyes and smile to myself. Then, he makes a sharp turn. We are headed straightly forward to a wall. “Sumio! STOP!” I plead. 10 yards, 8 yards. “STOP SUMIO STOP!” 5 yards, 4 yards. “BE REASONABLE! SUMIO! STO—“ WHAM.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 24.10.2011

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