Prologue

  What am I writing this for? Who will even read it? Will it give meaning to anybody, or help anyone in any manner at all?

 

   Why should I care?

I don’t exist. You don´t exist. Yet, somehow we seem to exist within each other?

 

   We seems to all be connected somehow. The religious belief that we are connected through religion.

 

   I find it sad. To think, that the only thing keeping us together is hope for a better place. We share common goal of making it through this hell on Earth, so that we may travel to some sort of “dreamland”.

 

   Why are we put on hell first? And who is it that decides if it is hell or not? Who puts the standards up? Who is it that tells us where the grass is greener. Is it “GOD”? Why listen to him? What confirmation do we have of a “heaven”, or a “promise land”.

 

What we have is here, in front of us.

 

 

I haven´t always been in this state of mind that I´m currently in.

 

In fact, I have read the bible at least four times. There comes a point in everyone´s life, where they start to doubt. The meaning of their very existence doesn’t seem to give any more meaning. I am not sure why I ever picked up the bible. Probably felt pressured to be accepted by both my family and the southern way of living. At one point I called myself a Buddhist even.

 

I have spent the last twenty-one years finding myself, subconsciously at least. I guess it wasn´t before the biggest occurrences of my life had already occurred, that I started asking myself, if I was who I wanted to be, or if I had created the image I wanted to be seen in.

 

“Living the Life” that I had been raised to see as right, I was fooling myself. I had a job, a roof over my head, a child, and a fiancé. And living what most people would have looked at as a perfect life… but it wasn´t the right life. Not for me.

As if it had been destiny, my life, as I knew it to be, fell to pieces, or had it begun?

Death

Let´s start with the beginning. Fear.

 

Why do we all fear death. It is because of an uncertainty of what happens in the end. From the very start we all fear death. It effects what we do in our everyday. What we say, how we say it. What we do, and how we do it. How we live our lives. I see it every day. We lock ourselves inside this picture frame, thinking that we are living life. Pretending to be happy. We cheat and lie, kill and steal. Why? We are unsatisfied with what we are. Why Can´t we see this?

 

I am NOT a perfect person. This is not a happy story. If you had planned on reading a book on how to be happy, close this book and never pick it up again.

We exist. Do not question why. Just simply accept the fact of your own existence, and appreciate it.

 

Life sucks. That’s a fact. Our problem is that we can´t see past the negativity. It´s like walking in the dark without a flashlight. We freak out, and see things that are not there. It is all in our head. What we imagine to be real becomes real, because it is our own personal reality.

 

When you imagine a demon in the dark, do you not see a demon, and become afraid? Why not imagine loneliness? Why not accept the fact that we are alone, and always have been.

 

I see myself in every person. We are all made of flesh and blood. We all share a common fate. We´re born, we live, and we die. Why do we separate ourselves from the equation to become something different?

 

Why not embrace the fact that we all have a common goal that is to be happy, and rather help each other. I´m not telling you to help one another become what is your own personal idea on what happiness is. Open yourself to new ideas, thoughts and theories. We share a common goal, but never will it be the same goal. We are the same person down in the core, but we all are different people.

 

Me

 

It will not ever matter who I am. Ever.

I am you, and you are I. Focus on yourself. Help yourself. What do you want, and how do you get there.

 

Remember these words:

 

Love.

Patience.

Giving in.

Acceptance.

Understanding.

Truthfulness.

Loneliness.

Shadow.

Hope.

 

These things are the Hardest to accept, the hardest to see. We torture ourselves everyday. Looking for what we seek. Seeking what we want. Having needs, and wishes. Forget it all. Forget what you think you are, and remember what you truly are.

 

Life is a test, and we are put here to accomplish death.

 

Life without regret, and despair is pointless. Our darker selves are absolutely necessary in order to see light. Do you think we would ever be able to see light unless the Darkness was here? No. Everything would be grey. One big kettle of grey flavorless mashed potatoes.

 

         Ask yourself again why we fear life. Why do we fear the rich flavor that is life? Why should we fear death and torture ourselves throughout life?

 

Personal Awakening

 

   So whom is this asshole telling you how you should live your life? You are probably asking yourself about now.

 

     I am God. I am NOT your god, in any way.

 

If you found that offensive, put this book down and pick it up again when you feel the time is right and re-read the start.

 

    What is God? Where is God? Who is God? Why is God? When is God? How is God?

 

No.

 

Stop thinking.

 

 I did not create you. I did not create myself

Mom and Dad did obviously. What I have created is my own reality. And how I choose to be, and live my life.

 

My life started 07.04.93. I am not old. I am young. This is where most of you close your book, and laugh at my words. That´s because you stuck in this bad habit you call “life”. I have no habits. Accept for love I guess.

 

So, where to start?

 

I was about ten years old when I moved to the other side of the world. We left everything we knew, and started our lives in the little country of Norway. I didn’t have any opinion on the move, on the outside that is. On the inside I was crying.

 

My grandmother (Mimi) inspired me so much with her presence. Every day. We would tell ghost stories, spend time at the arcade, and learn about life.

 

Don´t get me wrong now, I have many sources of inspiration, but that’s where it all starts. When I was about three months old, my father left. It´s ok. It was part of his path, and I know that now. Around two years later my sister is born. The most beautiful little thing I know, but we´ll get back to that later.

 

We moved around a lot, in different places in the US trying to find the place we could call home. There is nothing wrong with that, and I see that now. I am not saying that I have never experienced the stability of a family home over longer periods of time; I have had my years of being the average child. But we ended up in Norway my family and I.

 

I had always had trouble with reality, thinking that life was a big joke that I was put in it for being mocked at. I am sure some of you can relate, and if you can´t you have been blind to the world. It IS shit. That’s just the way it is.

 

One day I met a girl, whom I thought was the love of my life, by this time I was about eighteen.

 

Just like every other teenager, I fought with my family over silly things that never really mattered, but mattered to me at the time. It really just depends on what I perceive to be important. So I move out. I followed my soul and went on my path.

 

I later found out that my family actually had a problem with me leaving, and felt rather abandoned. That´s not my problem, neither has it ever been. I am on my own path, not theirs. How can you truly say you love someone, and keep him or her from following the stars?

 

      

 

 Tip to parents and people in general: No one person is ever wrong; they are in a process of doing something bigger.

 

     

 

On I went. Following my stars. Got engaged. Made my home. Work. Sleep. Eat. You know the story. Was I ever happy? Yes.

 

I was oblivious to the world. Blinded by society, and what I think I should be. I had painted my picture, and I was living within it. Doing what I felt was right.

 

16.04.2012. The most beautiful day of my life so far. Lilly is born. My daughter. I cried my eyes out the first time I saw her. Pure, and beautiful. Being a musician all my life, Her cry was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. Her laugh is healing. Her eyes sparkling, and presence necessary.

 

         Yes I was extremely happy even though her mother and I had quite a few rough patches. But like mentioned a bit earlier. This is not a happy story.

 

         Never did it get to the point of being physical, but it was not a good experience. I believe this is where my awakening started.

 

         The Universe spoke. Everything came crashing down. I´m kicked out, lose my job, Deadly sins popping up everywhere. Absolutely necessary for the bigger plan the universe has for me.

 

          I fell into a dark depressing abyss of self-loathing and hate. I became hate. I lived, thought and breathed hate. That’s who I was. Sound familiar yet? My whole life I told myself that I would not become my father. I would never leave my daughter. I found myself standing on top of a high bridge, drunk out of my mind. Suicide seemed optimal at the time. Not the first time I had been here.

 

The Universe spoke again. Almost like a movie or a book. A car appears behind me, and behind it sits a familiar face. I don’t know if there actually was a car there or if it was all in my head. It doesn´t matter, and never has mattered. The fact was, I was looking at myself from this person’s perspective, and saw how ridiculous I looked, so I decided to climb down and go back home. My new home where my boss had taken me in and given me a room of my own even though I slept on the couch most of the time, and what I did during the time I was there was not important. There is no point in living in the past. It happened, and there is nothing that I can do about it.

 

I found myself at a hotel, talking to my mom over the lobby phone, pleading her to buy me a ticket down to Oslo. At the time I lived far north where my daughter is to this day.

 

Bless her heart she arranged for my travel down.

I will never be able to thank her enough for all of the help, and all of the bullshit of mine that I have put her through during my life.

 

 

 No father should ever have to hold his daughter a last time but I did, and it hurts just as much every time I think about it.

 

 

I suddenly forgave my father, for i had become him. 

Oslo

Most of my friends from the past forgot about me when I moved up north. In that case I don’t really know if I should have ever called them friends in the first place, but for those of you who have been there for me through thick and thin; I am forever grateful. You know who you are.

 

The first period of time I was in Oslo I stayed with two of my best friends, before they became angry with me because of some stupid shit I did at the time. I was a very disrespectful little man at the time. Unappreciative of the entire blessing the Universe was providing me with. It provided me with shelter, food, love, and care. I was blinded by the self-pity I was wallowing in.

 

It spoke again. Kicked me out. Rendered me homeless. Luckily, another blessing came along. I didn´t really understand what was going on, and why I was constantly on the move, and constantly receiving shit. My confidence at an all low, felt unloved, and unwanted. My family had moved back to Texas, and even though I had met my father at the age of 17, I wasn´t able to visit anyone or receive any help without any identification. No passport, or picture identification of any sort. At this point, I met my best friend Ove, or rather met him again. The first time I met him was up north with my ex at a bar. They had attended a school together, and were great friends. He asked me to hang out. He had moved to Oslo randomly also. So I agreed to meet him. And we bonded immediately.

Psychedelics

 

DO NOT close this book now. You have made it this far; you might as well finish it. It is not very long. Remember I´m still pretty young.

 

Ove and I find psychedelics. Or rather, the Universe led the way to “Psy” experiences.

 

LSD25, or “Acid” as it more commonly known as. We are going to call it Acid in this story. Acid is a very misunderstood substance. Even it´s users misunderstand it. To be honest I still don´t truly understand it. I don´t think we ever will.

 

The first time I took acid, I thought I understood life. What I understood was the beginning of a larger picture. The very small corner of a very large painting that is continuously being painted and will never finish.

 

Walls melting, faces morphing, skies falling, and mirrors… I am probably not the only one who is a big fan of mirrors on Acid. Tends to make my face look funny, and I have a habit of disappearing completely into the black emptiness that is my pupil. It sounds scary, but it´s nice however. It´s commonly known as “The Vortex” or “Matrix”

 

After my first experience I can say that I felt a certain connection to the universe,, but I still had no idea what was going on. I just knew that I was a part of something much bigger than my own life.

 

 

I forgave everything and everyone. And felt I could go about my life without feeling sorry for myself about anything that had happened because I knew that it was a part of my path.

 

For about a year and a half I was homeless, starving, had managed to get myself into bigger messes, drug debts fights and addictions to other substances that are NOT psychoactive, such as amphetamines and pills.

 

My ex had completely shut me off in order to keep my daughter safe from dad´s messed up head, and I respect and understand that. Besides all of the horrible substances I also ate mushrooms and LSD and various types of psychoactive substances that kept telling me to hold on, and not give up hope. There was a path laid out before me I just couldn´t see it yet.

 

My problem was seeking. I have been attached to this dream of being a happy family with my child and ex. Having a warm home to feel comfortable in. These were all my wishes, and I kept seeking them.

 

I truly understood not only who I am, but who we all our the day I was reincarnated. On one of my trips, I died. And lived six lives. And I realized that we are all the same person. Just at different times. We will all live the same life, and the second you realize this, is the second you can understand that love is accepting the fact that we are all alone in this universe. We are all just living copies of ourselves, reacting with one another through time.

Love

 

What is love? Love is a universal language that we all understand at one point. Born with the knowledge but forget it once we start becoming conscious of our own insecurities and adapting to what we call society.

 

We are all alone. And the minute we accept that, the minute we can get over our own ego´s and start loving ourselves.

 

Help yourself. One day you are going to sit on the bus, or in the park, or even glued to the computer screen and realize that we are all the same. You recognize yourself in the people around you, so why not help yourself. Love one another.

 

We are put on this earth as a test of faith, faith in yourself. Realize your potential to love and change your own future and you will awaken. You will no longer be reincarnated on this level of material. We will hatch our egg, and awaken into a bigger dream. Awaken into something unknown and beautiful.

 

Sure. I don’t know exactly what yet. But like I mentioned; I´m still pretty young.

Patience

The second I stopped looking for love, and acceptance, I found what I was seeking. The reason for this is because we are using our mind. Our mind is a very powerful resource, but can also be very illusive. We think that we are the mind, but in all honesty, we are all souls, connected to our minds, driving these machines made of flesh and blood.  

 

It´s hard to believe at first but it is the truth.It is necessary to realize this in order to reach your full potential as a human being. We are much bigger than this world.

 

 I know myself that patience is very difficult, trust me I am the least patient person in existence. But I taught myself to ignore my mind, and trust my soul, and the universe, and as soon as I did that, things started to pop into place.

My own experience with patience and love

 

        I am a musician. I always have been, always will be.

So this is where my new life begins. Music. After experimenting with psychedelics for a while, I was introduced to psychedelic music. I am not talking about psychedelic rock. I am talking about psytrance, ambience, and various other genres.

 

       At a young age I found ambient music, but I had no idea what it was. I just knew it spoke to me. And by coincidence it found me again, with a connection to the psychedelic side of life.

 

        So I continued to produce music, but tried my luck on the psychedelic genres. After giving in to the darkness, and allowing it to take over, without me really caring about it anymore, the Universe rewarded me with a break.

 

         I was given an opportunity to perform for the first time in my life. By this time I had found myself a magical place to live with the most loving souls a person could find. A truly inspirational home in every aspect with Musicians, Artists, Herbalists, and Politically interested beings that truly understood the meaning of love. And all of this I had attracted to myself by thinking positive and accepting the fact that life is shit and there was nothing I could do about it, so I smiled at everything, and everything smiled back. This I call; GIVING IN

 

I traveled to this event and played my heart out. I put my soul out on display for everyone to hear, hoping that someone would finally find satisfaction with my creativity and very being.

 

         They danced and danced to my soul and with my soul and the feeling of putting the positive energy into the cosmos, and healing others with my love, was so incredible I cried. A feeling of true ACCEPTANCE.

 

 

 

         That’s when I laid eyes on her. Pia.

 

The true meaning of my existence.

 

Immediately I knew that her and I would end up together. Somehow I just knew it. I don’t know how I knew, but we did eventually end up meeting thanks to the Universe. It was on a hill that my water bottle decided to roll down and stop right next to her further down there, while I was laying on my back looking at the clouds daydreaming about talking to her. We are now engaged and saving for our trip around the globe.

 

At this time I still didn´t know of synchronicity, and why things happened the way they do, but I can say that I was awakened. An UNDERSTANDING of a sort. Or enough to keep me going at least.

Conclusion

 

I could go on forever telling you about my life story, and how I got where and what I did but there is no point.

 

         I am thankful for everything that has happened to me. All negative and positives, because they are all a part of who I am.

 

Yes. We are the same persons. But no, at the same time, you are you and I´m myself.

 

I am not saying that you have to take a bunch of psychedelics to understand the world or what you are, or have to go to some festival to find love. I am saying that there is light in the dark. There will always be light in the dark. You just have to remember to push the button on your flashlight.

Smile to the world. Don’t forget that you are a part of something bigger. You have the potential to change your own reality. And I don´t see any point in sitting at home day after day doing the same thing you always do.

 

         Find your passion. Find yourself. Just be.

And please love yourself, because you are all that you have.

 

Love. Patience. Giving in. Acceptance. Understanding. Truthfulness.

Loneliness. Shadow. Hope.

 

I can explain a few of these to you, but some things you have to explore on your own

 

Have patience, we are all in the process of becoming something bigger and better.

 

a special thanks to Ed, Pia, Kim, Ove, Nikita, Larsi, Nicolai, Harald, Tommie, Micke, Alex, My family, and all of my beloved friends who have been there for me all this time, not giving up on me when i have been at my lowest. you are all an inspiration. love and light

 

Lilly Valentina - my daughter i love you and i always will.

 

- Joe

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 08.10.2014

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