The Last Thoughts of Jane Doe


1

I woke up today with the weight of my world upon my shoulders. My children are grown, husband gone and me alone in this apartment. This neighborhood used to be so vibrant and full of color. Now all that remain are the remnants of glories passed. I normally steer clear of my window. The streets are so gray, but I guess I needed to take one last look before I accomplished my plan.

I’d been riding the bus to the terminal for a month now. I guess I’d been trying to get my courage up to do what I wanted…end all. I knew today would be the day. I made no calls just lit a cigarette and made myself a huge breakfast with everything I’d ever liked. I was so full I could hardly move. I know my neighbors were getting a treat with this bacon cooking. I’d thought about suicide before, even tried it once, but my daughter managed to get me to the hospital. I hated putting her through that. I wasn’t a great mother, but I didn’t do too shabby either.

When Jim left, life got to be a real strain. I thought it was to last forever, but it didn’t. It seems I stopped loving then. He was all I had. All I had.

I got on the bus heading toward the terminal. I like this driver. She’s funny and for me to smile is a miracle. I never had a driver who was as kind as she. I wonder if it’s genuine. I didn’t care. Why should I? None really cared about me. Not Jim, nor Maria my lover, or my job. Hell they let me go as soon as I got sick. It doesn’t matter anyway. Another hour, I’ll be sleep.


2

I got to the terminal around one o’clock in the afternoon. I knew it would be crowded. Maybe the world would care now. These teenagers have no respect for anyone. I will never have to hear their noise again.

1:15 P.M.
My phone is ringing. It’s Maria. I really don’t need to answer that. I know her voice will soothe my pain. I let voice mail get it. I walked past a garbage can and tossed it in. I wouldn’t need it anymore. I walked to the North side of the terminal and gazed at the expressway. The cars were moving so fast my stomach dropped. I stared at the pavement below, closed my eyes and soaked in the breeze. I looked down a second time only to see myself sprawled on the pavement. A strange peace came over me. I knew I’d embraced my death. There was no more fear. I knew I would succeed this time. No one here knew me. I was a blur. I looked around the area for the last time. I’d never noticed the skyline before or that cardinal sitting on top of the utility pole. He’s majestic. I lit my last cigarette. I slowly savored the smoky flavor of my brand, Virginia Slim Menthol. With each puff, I got nervous, hoping no one would see. I finished my cigarette and lit a second. For some reason I had the urge to live, but was fearful of this pain inside never leaving. I knew the only way to silence its voice was to release my soul. Death was the only way. He had been talking to me all this month, telling me what I knew was true. “No one cares!”

1:30 P.M.
I held my cigarette between my lips as I climbed on the guard rail. I stood up, secured my footing. This must be as graceful as possible. I planted my feet, finished the cigarette and tossed it to the expressway below. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and…

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 24.03.2010

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