intro
It's never too late. Please seek help if you can, and if you want to talk to me, you can. I care, I really really do care. Suicide is never the answer.
If you or someone you love is dealing with depression, self harm, or contemplating suicide, please tell a trusted adult or friend, or call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1 (800) 273-8255.
I love you all,
Sarah.
im the girl
I'm the girl the teachers loved
I'm the girl who is always cheerful
I'm the girl who always has a smile etched on my face
I'm the girl with the servant's heart
I'm the girl who goes all out to make sure everyone is happy
I'm the girl with the jokes
I'm the girl with everything I could ever ask for
I'm also the girl who runs home
And cries herself to sleep
I'm also the girl with blood stained pillows
And my biggest fears and worst nightmares leaking down
In rivulets of scarlet red
I'm the pessimist
The perfectionist
The girl looked for love in all the wrong places
Who trusted the wrong people
And is paying for it all
I'm the girl who finds beauty in make up
I'm the girl who takes pleasure in hurting herself
The girl who sees beauty in everyone
When she looks in the mirror and sees a monster
The girl who wonders if it will all end
And everything will go back to normal
I'm the girl who wonders if the world will be a better place without her
I'm the girl who lacks everything I could ever ask for
I'm
The
Girl
-diana
liars
you told me
that you'd always be right there for me
that i would never be alone
that i could always lean on you for comfort
so where are you now?
when small streams of blood are
pouring out my wrists?
where are you now?
when my pillow is saturated in tears?
where are you now?
when all i hear is the disapproving, hatred
words being tossed around inside my head
and every nightmare i've ever had
comes to life?
you've made me realize
just how full of liars
this cruel world is.
- diana
you're the reason
i feel so stupid
for trusting you
for thinking you could actually be my best friend.
you see, i thought you changed. i thought that you learned form your mistakes and you would spend the rest of your life making it up to me. now i see that you spent your entire life breaking me.
i was so stupid to believe you.
you're the reason why i am who i am.
you're the reason why i stay in my room for hours on end crying myself to sleep and ripping my skin open.
you're the reason i give up a little bit more on life every single freaking day.
you're the reason why i hate myself.
you're the reason for every heartbreaking truth ever played in my mind.
and you're the reason why i'm struggling to stay afloat
in this world that hates me so very much.
and you're the reason why my demons,
who i thought i once had control over
are slowly consuming me
dragging me back to where i know i belong: hell.
and guess what?
you will be the reason why i stop fighting.
so don't bother feeding me that bullshit about trying to be my friend
a true friend wouldn't kill someone she cared about.
- diana
tell me
don't tell me
that everything will be alright
don't tell me
that i need to cheer up
get over it
just be happy
instead
tell me you'll be there
through my hysterical sobs and stubbornness
tell me you'll listen
as i repeat the same story
over and over
tell me you'll love me through the
sleepless nights and restless days
tell me you'll expect
the 3 a.m phone calls fraught with many tears
and maybe
just maybe
i'll listen.
- diana
fighter
standing here
and having the ability to just keep breathing
takes more strength than you realize
having the courage
to wake up every single morning
knowing there will be disappointment
at every turn
takes every sliver of composure that you have
no one realizes
how much pain someone has to be in
to drag a dagger across their skin
to be so tired of everything and everyone
and still be here on earth
and you know what?
i'm so proud of you
for continuing to fight
for struggling to weave your way out of the millions of tears
i'm proud of you
you're a fighter
and i hope you realize that
and i know life might be hell right now
but just keep fighting
things might not get better as soon as you would like
and things may have to get worse before they get better
but keep fighting
please keep fighting
keep breathing
keep waking up
because in the end
you're going to look back
and say
'this was worth the fight.'
-diana
demons
the nights are cruel
because that's when the voices come out to play
they tease and taunt
they prey and search
for any ounce of happiness i possess
i call them my demons
there i lay
in a never ending struggle against the current of life
fighting for a lost cause
in a futile attempt to silence my demons
there i stand
and watch the voices breathe life
into a destiny i never hoped to know
today is no different
it's just me and my demons
and i want an actual reason to smile
i don't want to force a laugh
but when you have everyone, even yourself against you
where do you turn,
what do you do?
the nights are cruel
because that's when the voices come out to play
and i guess that's why people say
"i can't drown my demons. . .
. . . they know how to swim."
- diana
i can
-
i can't make the voices vanish
and i can't go 'poof!' and the bullies will scurry off
to the wretched places where they came from
i can't patch together the gashes which marred your beautiful skin
and i can't silence the words caving you in
scolding you in piercing cries, 'don't eat!'
i can't make you believe the fights never happened
and i can't travel back in time and reverse the shattering of your
already broken heart
i can't snap my fingers and that tidal wave of invectives will cease
and i can't promise the ghosts living in your past will stop haunting you
in your weakest times
i can't proffer you a new and improved life
with better understanding parents,
friends who won't backstab you
people who won't call you 'attention seeker'
when you're not around
a life where you'll never hear the words
'stupid, whore, bitch,' ever again
i can't tell you
that everything bad about your life will go away
because that would be a lie
but i can assure you that i will be there
fighting the fight with you
and i can strengthen you
give you a reason to stand up
i can help you win the race,
keep the faith
and i can be your biggest fan,
i can stand in the bleachers
cheering my heart out for you
telling you that you can do this
because i know you can
i can be your refuge
the place you go when you want to
scream to the heavens
or just be silent
and i can laugh with you
or cry with you
or just listen
i can make this hell
a little less hellish
i can be there
right with you
when you're ready to face the world
and i can walk out of this with you
hand and hand.
because we can
we can.
-diana
the hills
i'm not the person i say to be
the girl you think i am isn't me
yes, you see that i'm pensive and smart
but i feel stupid and foolish at heart
yes, you see eyes brimming with cheer
but that's just a mask, so you don't see tears
yes, you see short sleeves, 'don't fret, she's clean'
but why would i cut where you can see?
you think i have it all together, that's a lie
no one has yet noticed they're running out of time
i'm not the person i say to be
i guess when i'm fucked up, that's the real me.
- diana
monster
i remember when i was
always told that there were monsters under my bed
i would flip my room over
and analyze every nook and cranny
in futile attempt to find them
it wasn't until now
that i realized the monster is me
so if you ever ask if i believe in them
check my wrists, you'll see.
- diana
i love how
-
i love how
people buy into the lie
that i'm okay
i love how
i can force a laugh
or fake a smile
and no one will notice
i'm dead on the inside
i love how
i can make people believe
that I'm very social
when behind closed door
i'm a silent war with my demons
and I'm losing
i love how
i can pour life into someone
without them noticing
that through my eyes
all they'll ever see is death
i love how
people buy into the lie
that I'm okay
one day, I'm going to cut too deep
or I'll drink too much
one day I'll finally end it
and the last of me they'll ever see
is a happy face
i love how
people buy into the lie
that I'm okay
when
in reality
i'm far from it.
- diana
quotes
even the brightest of stars
will eventually die.
-
when i'm alone, i think
when i think, i remember
when i remember, i feel pain
when i feel pain, i cry
when i cry, i can't stop.
please don't leave me alone.
-
she saved everyone
but she couldn't save herself.
-
red
rivers gushing out of the
lines littering my thighs and arms
pooling onto the iced bathroom tiles
my favorite color.
-
Impressum
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 26.10.2015
Alle Rechte vorbehalten
Widmung:
Dedicated to my best friend Austin. I will always love you.