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DEDICATION
I've written so many things about my life and only at the end give acknowledgment to the angels in my life. Well, this is for you. I've went through so many things in the past few years that I don't know how I would have made it without all of you.
When God needs me to be right, He sends one of you. I listened to prayers from an Angel who keeps me on the right path with God. She actually prayed over the phone to me and it made me so overwhelmed I cried after the prayer was given to me. This was when I was recovering from the pneumonia.
Another angel always looked out for me when I wasn't sure of myself. Another let me know that I can do better than what's in front of me.
I can always say my angels took care of me through the toughest times and I can't deny that. I am forever grateful to all of you in my angel group and I will always love what you've done for me in my life. I never feel alone because of all of you. My success means nothing without someone to share it with. I'm blessed, happy, and overjoyed to have special, spiritual and loving people in my life. I thank God every day for giving me the special people that bring me to do my best in life. All of you that I call my angels are Gods instrument in bringing me joy and peace in my life. I don't know where I would be without you. I truly want to thank you for being there for me. It doesn't matter if you move out the state, find another job, or work right beside me, I still feel very close to you all. Because of all of you, I'm still here to give testimony of God's endless devotion to his children. All of us will succeed in our plight of success. He knows where we will end up, and He also knows what we need. All of you angels will receive huge blessings from God and I am ever so proud of each and every one of you.

There are many valves and muscles that makes my heart work. I have Angels. All own a valve to my heart. Angels make it beat the way it should and fixes it when it's broken. I truly love my life. I love my Angels, my daughters and especially my sister. She's performed so many heart surgeries on me; she deserves a Nobel peace prize for her work. My Angels are a God send and I cherish their existence here on earth every day.

Thanks to Angels
Linda Bolden: Thank you for your heart and helping me put this all together
Jacquline Brewer: Thank you for all your encouragement
Jackie Cobbin: My very special spiritual friend
Stephenia Purnell: Thanks for working with me. We started in healthcare the same time.

The Diagnosis

An Eye Opening Experience

15 years ago I was working at a major Hospital as a Dispatcher on 2nd shift. After work I went home and went to bed. When I woke up, I couldn't see out of my left eye. It was really weird. I thought maybe I got sleep in my eye or I wasn't fully awake yet. I did notice I could see everything on the side of me (peripheral vision), but my direct vision was blacked out. It's like putting black paint in the middle of a camera. No matter what you look at through the lenses, it was a black dot directly in front of it. I thought it would wear off.
I actually drove to work that day. I was so disoriented from the vision, I was lucky I didn’t have an accident. I decided to go see an eye doctor. Hell, I worked at a hospital. Somebody could tell me something. I saw the Doctor and he was really intrigued by my vision. He went out and brought another older Doctor in. I took tests and x-rays. I was told the optic nerve in my eye was not receiving images. I thought it was kind of funny. He explained that the part of the eye that makes you see was being blocked by an inflamed optic nerve. The inflammation was blocking the ability for me to see. He said I can actually see what's coming into my vision, but the part that goes back out which enables your brain to see what you're looking at was blocked. That's why I have the blockage. The term used was Retro bulbar Neuritis. I'll never forget that word. I asked what causes that. He said a combination of stress, nerves and other things. Well, I took medication and it went away in about 3 or 4 days. He also said after my eye sight came back when he looked into my eye, the color of my optic nerve turned colors. It's supposed to be a bright pink, but mine was pale white. He said sometimes that's a sign for Multiple Sclerosis. He said I had to take an MRI to see if I had it. I took it and there was no signs of it. I thought everything was fine after that. I didn't really know that much about MS and didn't look into it anymore. Well, 3 years later the same thing happened to my left eye again. It wasn't as severe as the 1st one, but I had to see a Neurologist. I took an MRI again but, still no sign of MS. I had to take an MRI every 2 or 3 years after that just as a routine.

Weebles and Wobbles

Well, in 2004 during mid-summer I started feeling off balance. When I stood still I felt like a skyscraper swaying back and forth. I didn't understand it. What's up with this swaying?
I saw another Doctor and he thought it was an ear issue, since that has a lot to do with my equilibrium. He gave me some stuff for my ear to relieve pressure in it thinking that was the problem, well it wasn't and it was getting a little worse.
I went to an ear specialist because the Doctor thought I may have an infection in my ear. The Ear doctor took another MRI to see if there were any tumors or inflammation around the ear. That Doctor told me I needed to see a neurologist. I asked him why? What did he see? He said there were no tumors and nothing wrong with my ear, but I should see a Neurologists. Still not clicking in my head what's going on.
In 2004 while I was experiencing the swaying, I actually started having falls. It was in November when it started. I still can't explain it but, whenever I would stand up to walk, it was like my legs wouldn't move and I would find myself on the floor. The strange thing was, I thought my feet were moving so I couldn't figure out why this was happening to me. When I say I fell, I mean I FELL… BAM Straight to the floor. I bruised my shoulder; elbows even had bruises on my head. Friends at work were teasing me because it looked like I was getting physically abused at home. This couldn’t happen because I lived alone. Did they assume I was abusing myself? Anyway, enough was enough and that's the main reason why I went to see the Doctor.
When I saw the Neurologist (Doctor different doctor this time) he went through my history and he found out about the eye issue years back. So of course I took the MRI again looking for MS. The results changed my life.
I went to the doctor ALONE and I sat in the office and he came in and didn't sugarcoat anything. He said your MRI you took for your eye showed signs of MS. I was stunned. I mean I didn't really expect that one. He then said I had to take another one with some kind of dye so the MRI would show the sclerosis (part of MS). I left and got in my car. It started snowing outside and as I sat in my car I cried. I mean I cried for awhile. The only call I could make was to my Dispatcher (Angel now) and told her what happened. She talked to me and got me strong enough to go home. When I got home and collected myself, I called my sister and told her what happened, I was really proud of her because she took over after that. She said I'm going with you this time whether you want me to or not. I thought that was great. I forget how Tina my oldest daughter found out, I think my sister called her. Well both of them came with me to see the Doctor the 2nd time. I had taken the MRI and this was result time. By this time I couldn't even write. I mean when we got to the doctor and I had to write the check for the co-pay, I couldn't write. I didn't have control of my hand and I was really upset then. My sister had to write the check for me. We went into see the doctor and he told us I had MS. I think my heart sank to my feet. I really don't remember the rest of the visit. My sister had to tell me later what he said. I know they were talking about taking shots 3 times a week and other things. When we left, we had to tell my youngest daughter who was waiting at my oldest daughters apartment.
I was really glad my sister was there because she really helped me explain to my youngest daughter what I had and what MS was. She was only worried if this meant I was dying. after she found out I wasn't, I think she knew I was going to be OK. She asked a few questions, but that was it. She just wanted to know her dad was still going to be around. Teenagers!!! My oldest daughter was mad because she wasn’t made aware of the things going on with me. She really let my sister have it for not telling her.

The Aftermath

I started seeing my original Neurologist in December. I had a follow up later. This Neurologist is the one I've dealt with since I lost my vision (Retro bulbar Neuritis) over 11 years ago, which began my journey with MS. My Neurologist is very thorough and very very good at what she does. I've been hesitant recently, but I now have no choice but to give this my full and utmost attention. My visit was sobering to say the least. We talked for 2.5 hours about my condition. She took a lot of motor skill tests and retrieved all my tests that I've taken in the past 5 years. She questioned me about my trips I took and was glad I found out I couldn't handle the trips as I would have liked.
My motor skills have diminished. My vision has decreased in my left eye and my fatigue is more constant than before. She told me my progression of MS has begun. We now have to measure, the progression to determine my physical capabilities and determine what treatment I should start on. I now have to take MRI's 3 times a year. I have to submit to a spinal tap to see how progressive the MS is in my spinal cord. She said I have been raised from a "Relapsing Remitting MS" to a "Progressive Relapsing" case. My MRI I have to take will determine the progression rate. GET THIS, The goal is to slow down the progression until they find a cure. It's a race to my incapacity against medical science finding a cure for MS. She says I have very good chance because I'm just starting out. As long as the progression can be slowed down ( NOT STOPPED), but slowed down, then I have a fighting chance in beating the bedridden side of MS.
You see, it goes in stages. First, imbalance. Second, using a cane. Third, in a wheel chair. Fourth is bedridden. That is what I am facing. The question is how long I can prolong all the stages from occurring. CRAP! That is totally not cool with me. I must confess, leaving the Doctor office today is the 1st time I cried from going to the Doctor. It hasn't happened like that since I was diagnosed. I'm good though. Not happy with what I was told, but I expected it. Just not now. Because there's more.

PNEUMONIA

What landed me in the hospital 2 years ago was a combination of depression, stress, a very low immune system, some drinking, smoking and hiccups. YES hiccups. This all happened gradually. I was diagnosed with MS in December 2004. The Pneumonia hit me in March 2005. How? You ask. Well, I had just finished a rough week at work. My attention span was null and void because I had my mind elsewhere. it was Friday and I was at home. I had a little drink like some of us do after a rough week at work. Later that night I developed a nasty case of the hiccups. It was so bad; I couldn't even sleep for 30 minutes before I was up again. These hiccups lasted 3 days. I tried everything to get rid of them. I drank water, held my breath, breathed in a paper bag, even stood on my head. Nothing worked. I was also feeling very exhausted. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without feeling like I just ran 10 miles. That's when things started worrying me.
After not getting ANY sleep the 3rd night I decided I had to get rid of these hiccups by going to the hospital and letting them look into it. It was 5:30am and I drove myself to the emergency room. I went to triage and had to wait about an hour. By the time the nurse saw me she took my temperature and then snapped a clip on my finger ( used to check your pulse Oxygen level) after a few seconds the nurse jumped up took the clip and blood pressure kit off of me, ran and got a wheelchair and rushed me into the emergency room. I had no idea what was going on, I just came in for the hiccups.
There were 4 doctors that came to see about me and I'm still wondering what's going on? They put me on Oxygen and took x-rays. The doctors then told me I had pneumonia and that I was going to be admitted to intensive Care Unit (ICU). It still never dawned on me I was as sick as I was. I laid there and I thought I better let someone know where I was and to call the job and tell them I wouldn't be in. I got off the cart and went to the phone and called my sister. I calmly told her I came to the hospital about the hiccups and they were keeping me and admitting me to ICU.
My sister later told me I explained like it wasn't a serious thing. Today my sister would tell you I talked to her like I was asking her “How she's doing?” I didn't sound worried about it. After wards my sister told me she had to take a double take on what I said to her. I was being admitted to ICU for pneumonia.
I told my sister to call work and let the dispatcher know I wouldn't be in. The doctor interrupted my call and told me to get off the phone and get back on the oxygen. I got admitted later that day and that's when I found my pulse Oxygen level was very low. It dipped into the high 70's. I didn't know till later the body has to maintain an Oxygen level of 90 and above.
The hiccups caused not enough Oxygen to enter my body and since it was in bad shape anyway, I developed the worst kind of pneumonia. Bacteria settled into both lungs and it was literally killing me. That's when I started having to wear an Oxygen mask for 5 days 24 hours a day, and I found out I had to stay awake in order to keep my breathing rhythm at a certain level or else I wouldn't make it. I literally had to teach my body how to breathe in and out. I had so much medication pumped into me and blood taken every 4 hours. I wasn’t far away from them having to put a tube down my throat to keep me alive. The most amazing thing was I didn't realize how serious this all was until my 3rd day in the hospital.

PANIC

I was in the ICU and it was the 3rd night I was there. I had an O2 mask on and I had to stay up all night regulating my breathing. I was supposed to breathe in and out with consistency and the only way to do that was for me to stay awake. I was supposed to maintain a pulse Ox level of 90 and above. If it slipped lower I would have either a tube put down my throat to help me breath or I would die due to lack of Oxygen in my body. I was already into my 48th hour of no more than an hour sleep.
As the evening progressed a couple of nurses came in to take blood and do vitals. I guess they thought I was incoherent and couldn't hear them. I heard one of them say "He's not going to make it through the night." The other said "yeah I know it's a shame". It was the first time since I been there that I actually realized how serious my situation was. I really became scared and I really thought I was going to die. I think with all the drugs and no sleep, I was starting to think these people wanted me to die, and I refused to let that happen.
I started trying to pay attention to every conversation that took place outside of my room. My mind really started to mess with me and all I could think about was getting the heck out of there. If I was going to die, it wasn't going to be because they killed me. I know now that my mind was probably out of whack, but at that time I didn't think I had a chance. Well, it was 1:00am and I said if I'm not going to make it, I need to talk to someone. I sat up on the side of the bed. Strapped with multiple IV's, monitors and an Oxygen mask and started to flag down a nurse outside of my room. She was the charge nurse and I told her I wanted to talk to my sister. Now folks that work in Hospitals know there aren’t any phones in an ICU room. Well I put up such a fuss that the nurse brought a phone into the room and she dialed my sister’s number for me. I talked to her (probably scaring her to death) and told her they think I'm not going to make it till the morning and I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I want you to make sure the girls (my daughters are taken care of). My sister just told me OK and asked me why I think that I'm going to die? I told her the events that happened and my sister said "OK, let me talk to the nurse" We said I love you and then I gave the phone to the nurse. All I could hear the nurse say was that I've had a rough 2 days with no sleep and that I was still in a critical state. I didn't know what happened until later. Anyway, the doctor came in and said I need to get some rest. I took my mask off and said "you've told me I had to stay awake" He said your breathing is still a problem and when you wake up, there is a possibility I'll have a tube down my throat to help me breath. I asked him will I die. I told him I always need the truth and that I could handle it. The Doctor said “Yes” it is a possibility, but he was optimistic that I would be OK. So the nurses came in and pushed some medication into my IV.
I fought going to sleep for about 3 hours. I tried watching TV, talking to myself, anything not to make me go to sleep because I thought I would never wake up. When you think realistically of your own death, it can really mess with you. The nurse came in again and gave me another dose and told me I need to relax. I still fought.
Finally the drugs kicked in and I couldn't fight any more. I said a prayer asking God to look out for the people I love and that I'm ready for Him to take me. I then went to sleep.

Is It All Over?

I thought it was my time to go. I closed my eyes wondering if they will ever open again. In my sleep I saw a white luminescent stairway. I went toward the stairway, but as I got closer, it went further away from me. I actually thought it was my path to God and I wasn't going to be afraid to go up them. I started thinking maybe I'm not worthy of going up and He wanted me to stay in this empty room I was in until He felt I was ready to meet Him.
I decided to relax and just started talking. I talked about how I wished things were done differently in my life, and how much I loved my daughters and that I hope God looks after them. I thanked Him for the gift of life He's given me and that I would love to meet up with my dad and his dad because God knows how much I miss talking with them. I also told Him I hope He is pleased with the people I have touched throughout my life, and for the most part tried to be the type of man He would be proud of. I know I've made many mistakes along the way in my life, but I never shunned God. I hope He was happy that I reentered my commitment to Him by joining a wonderful church that really touched my soul and made me ever so close to Him. I gave my soul back to the lord in 2003. Cleansing my soul through baptism again was the biggest and most gratifying experience in my life, and I thanked Him for letting me into His kingdom.
As I was saying all these things, the stairs in my sight started to fade away. I began hearing voices and I wondered if that was dad. I couldn't make out the voice to well, but I was very glad to know I wasn't by myself. Then the empty room I was in started to fade away all around me. I was feeling myself going backwards as if I was in rewind and before I knew it my eyes opened and a nurse and doctor was standing over me. The nurse asked me “Do you know where you are?” I said "Am I back in the hospital. " She said (Yes. You never left." I then began to cry. I couldn't stop the tears. I guess they were tears of joy and another chance in life was administered to me by the grace of God. I should also mention I was in restraints when I woke up. I guess I cut up so much; they wanted to make sure I didn't do that again. A few hours later they took them off and visitors came and I cried most of that day. This was my closest encounter I ever had with death.
I realized God had decided He wasn't finished with me down here and let me stay. The experience changed my soul. My life changed constantly, but never my inner soul. Now I'm able to talk to God like he's sitting next to me. I can hear Him answer me and talk to me. I can feel prayers that are said for me. It's such a wonderful and amazing experience in life.

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