April had done it again.
Outside, the flashing motel sign sent darts of bright blue neon into the dark room. Eyes still heavy with sleep, she turned over in bed and saw that the curtains were pushed back. She threw off the covers, her naked body shocked by the cold morning air, and hurried to close them. A fine mist of rain was sprinkling the parking lot. There were only three cars there, and none of them were hers. Engulfed in darkness, she stood silent for a moment, head pressed up against the wall. She tried to fight off the stinging pain that was building up in her eyes. She didn’t want to cry anymore. She was tired of crying, but that all too familiar lump was rising in her throat. Soon she was on the floor, a frail heap of gut wrenching sobs. A pulsing headache was building up across her forehead, so she attempted to regain some semblance of composure before she felt her head would explode. But every time she felt the tears slowing down, Tony’s smile would appear in her mind, causing her to resume her original tempo.
Eventually, she was all cried out. She couldn’t cry anymore, even if she wanted to. Eyes dried out and tired, she lay on the dingy carpet, staring blankly up at the dark ceiling. The alarm clock on the nightstand said 6:07. “I only slept for three hours,” she thought vaguely. Tony would be on his way to work by then. She wondered if he was thinking of her, and then immediately felt ashamed. Who was she to be involved with such a man? Someone who finally listened to her when she spoke, and didn’t run as soon as he found out she had children. Yet there she was on a dirty motel floor, fresh from another conquest. The taste of vodka lingered in her mouth, and she still had a very faint buzz, but the fun was done. She slowly pulled herself up to the edge of the bed and buried her head in her hands. The stranger’s smell lingered on them. Her stomach turned. She hurried to the bathroom and threw on the shower, grimacing at the brown ring around the bathtub. Another man, another smell. She couldn’t remember his name, and could barely remember what he looked like, but his smell stayed with her. This had been her routine for years. The crying, the smell, the scolding hot showers. “If I can just get this one off, I can stop. I’ll be fresh, and I can stop,” she thought as she fiercely ran the thin motel soap up and down her arms. A pang shot through her chest. “I can stop,” she whispered aloud.
After washing for a good forty minutes, she finally felt clean. The water had gone cold fifteen minutes in, but quitting wasn’t an option. She wrapped a towel around her tender body and then retrieved her toothbrush a tiny tube of toothpaste from her purse. After years of monotony, she learned that those two items came in handy, so she always kept them in her purse. The mirror was steamed over, but she painfully made sure not to glance in it as she brushed. Suddenly, the memory of the stranger’s mustache resurfaced. It meant nothing to her at that moment, but she remembered how it had tickled her upper lip as he pressed against her the night before. She spat and quickly left the bathroom. Her purse was big enough to house a set of spare clothes. Another trick she picked up over the years. As she dressed she glanced around for her cell phone. Somehow, it had ended up under the bed, but it was no good. The battery had died. She hesitated before snatching up the dinky motel phone on the nightstand.
“Hello.” It was Jason
“Are you getting your brother and sister ready for school?”
“Yea,” he answered passively.
“Make sure you dress them warm. It’s cold, plus it’s raining.”
“I ain’t stupid.” They were both quiet for a moment. “Did you go to work? I called the warehouse last night to ask you what to give Jessi for her cold, but they said you called in sick.” More silence.
“I’m gonna drive you guys to school,” April blurted out.
“Why? The bus runs in ten minutes.”
“Just be ready when I get there.”
“If you’re gonna stay over at Tony’s at least give me his number since you don’t answer your phone.” April sighed.
“Just be ready when I get there.”

Jason knew that his mother wasn’t at Tony’s. The number on the caller i.d. was from the Sand Man motel just off the interstate. He slammed down the phone, his face growing hot. They had only been in Milton for five months, but already it was turning into Shelby. And that city had been a reproduction of other cities. Soon they’d be moving on to some other dump in some other derelict city. If she didn’t get fired, she would end up quitting instead, blaming it on not liking her shift, or not letting her boss feel her up. Amazing how every boss was the same. Even the women. She would soothe Jessi and Caleb with smiles and gentle caresses, assuring them that they would like their new school. And to Jason’s amazement they would end up believing her, even though none of what she said ever came true. He figured they were still too young to see the truth. The new schools were the same as the old ones, and the kids would pick on them because they dressed differently.
“I’m hungry.” He turned to see Caleb standing next to him.
“Well fix something to eat then.”
“Fix what?” Jason sighed. He had forgotten that they were out of groceries.
“You just gotta wait ‘til we get to school. No, wait. Mama just called and said she’s gonna take us to school this morning, and we won’t make it in time for breakfast, so you’ll just have to wait ‘til lunch.” One bright spot was the fact that they qualified for free meals at school. Caleb clicked his tongue and slouched away. The hotness washed over Jason again. “It ain’t right,” he thought angrily. “They shouldn’t have to live like this.” He stared blankly at his brother and sister as they argued over a toy, his mind too occupied to break up the fight.

April walked the entire half mile from the Sand Man to the Imperial Lounge to retrieve her car. It was nothing new. When she left the motel the rain was sparse and light, but by the time she made it to her car it was coming down in sheets. Rain was always cold by itself, but when combined with the temperature of February she was left chilled to the bone. As she waited for the car to heat up she noticed something in her rearview mirror. A truck was pulling into the parking lot. Her heart picked up speed as a man got out and hurried over to her window. It was Steve Shipman. They worked on the same shift at the warehouse. At thirty-two, he was only a couple of years younger than she was, but he looked a ripe twenty-two instead. He positioned his umbrella over the window as she rolled it down.
“You okay?” April nodded and smiled, but avoided eye contact. Steve waited for her to say something, but when she didn’t he continued. “I saw you when I was driving by. Thought I’d double back and check on you.” He leaned in closer, his heavy cologne drifting into the car.
“I’m fine,” answered April nervously. “Just on my way to take my kids to school.” She hoped this would send him on his way. It didn’t.
“Didn’t see you at work. How are your kids? Saw your oldest boy the other day down at the gas station. How old is he now?”
“Seventeen, and they’re all doing good. Just gotta get them to school on time,” she laughed anxiously.
“Seventeen? Well dang, you must’ve had him young. You don’t look a day over twenty yourself. I’ll let you go then. Nice talking to you.” He held out his hand, and as they shook she made the mistake of looking up at his face. His smile was sly, and she swore his true intentions were seeping from his bright eyes. Or were they her

intentions? Either way, she was relieved when she finally got on her way. He had the best hands she had ever seen or felt, so she hated him.

When she pulled up in front of the apartment building she half expected Jason to have already put everyone on the bus instead. But after honking the horn a few times, Jessi and Caleb came bouncing out, trouncing every puddle in their way. Jason sauntered behind them. Jessi hopped into the backseat and wrapped her arms around April’s neck.
“Why are you picking us up, mama?” Her bright voice was in stark contrast to the grayness outside.
“I just wanted to see my babies before they went to school,” April laughed, smothering the child’s tiny hands with kisses. Jessi giggled and then promptly turned to shake off her wet jacket onto Caleb.
“I’m hungry, mama,” he whimpered as he fought off his sister. “Can we get something to eat?”
“I already said you gotta wait ‘til lunch,” answered Jason as he climbed into the front seat.
“I asked mama, not you,” he replied snidely.
“Shut up and put your seatbelt on,” ordered Jason before their mother could say anything. He hadn’t yelled, but Caleb sulked back and did as he was told. They rode on in silence, the mood in the air as cheerful as the dark sky.

The elementary school was closest, so Jessi was dropped off first. She kissed each of them on the cheek, and they watched until she scurried into the building. April was ashamed to think it, but Jessi held a tender place in her heart that the other two didn’t. There was no doubt that she loved each of her children, but Jessi was so warm and compassionate that it was hard not to prefer her. Jason felt the same way. He never yelled at his sister. Partly because she rarely did anything wrong, but when she did he just didn’t have the heart to be mean to her. Caleb was another story. It was a good thing the middle school and high school where combined into one, big building. That way Jason was able to keep an eye on him. He frowned at the thought of his twelve year old brother being his only friend at school, but at least he had someone to talk to. When they pulled up to the school Caleb learned forward and kissed his mother before running off towards the gym. Jason didn’t move. He simply stared down at his hands.
“I got a job over at Giorgio’s Pizza Palace after school. I’d work from four to nine, and it pays six bucks an hour.”
“You know you have to look after your brother and sister,” April replied softly.
“I was talking to Ms. Avery from next door, and she said she’d look after them for free. All we have to do is make sure they have something to eat.” There was hope in his voice, but April shook her head.
“I ain’t leaving my kids with a stranger.”
“She ain’t a stranger. Besides, you left me alone

all the time when I was five

!”
“And I shouldn’t have done it! It wasn’t right!” They both got silent, the rain coming down in hard thuds against the car.
“Well, I need money. We

need money,” Jason finally said, staring her straight in the face. “The car needs an alternator, there’s no food at home, Jessi needs a new pair of shoes, and Caleb has a field trip to the zoo coming up. For once I’d like to see him go on a trip like everybody else in his class.” April acted as if she didn’t hear him.
“I’m cooking supper this afternoon before I go to work, so come straight home.”
“No food, remember?”
“I’ll get food. And Tony’s coming over, so come straight home like I said.”
“Why don’t we ever go over to his place? He’s got that big house all to himself. Why can’t we eat over there?
“I know it’s only been a couple of months, but he’s the fist decent guy I’ve met in a while.” That’s what she always said. “Don’t take a piss on him. Just give him a chance.” She stretched out her hand to rub his cheek, but he jerked away. She hardened her voice. “Anyway, you can’t take that job. I heard they’re hiring over at that factory in Pine Brooke. Pays more than the warehouse, and I don’t like this town anymore.” And there it was. Like a blow to the gut. Without a word Jason snatched up his book bag and cantered away. He didn’t even bother to shut the door.

April went straight home after dropping the kids off. She had an itching to go and see Tony at work, but thought better of it. She need some sleep. Her headache had never fully gone away, so she took two aspirin and lay down on the couch. She was out in no time. When she awoke it was a little after noon. Her headache had tapered off, but she felt even more tired than before. The tiny apartment was silent save for the sound of raindrops tapping the roof. How nice it would’ve been to lie there forever, listening to the melody of the rain. But as with any prolonged period of respite, she found herself engrossed in thoughts she didn’t wish to think. No, inactivity wasn’t an option for her. She had to move. If she was active she could focus on other things. She sat up and tried to pull her thoughts together. Tony didn’t know he was invited to supper. She had come up with the whole dinner idea on the spot. There was nothing to cook, and it was Wednesday. She didn’t get paid until Friday. Jason was right. They needed money. She stood and started to pace. “They don’t deserve me,” she thought morosely. “Other kids are out in the streets or in jail, but not Jason. He hates me, but he still obeys me. And the other two actually still love me.” She was the sole reason her children suffered so. It was too much to bear. She stormed off to her bedroom and plundered around under the mattress until she found what she was looking for. She hastily unscrewed the top and took a great swig. The liquid heat burned wonderfully as it trickled down her throat. “One drink is enough,” she thought, forcing herself to put the bottle back. “I have to see Tony.”

His wide smile melted her heart as he strode confidently up to her car. The rain was on hiatus, but the sky remained gloomy.
“Hey honey,” he chirped as he wrapped his arms around her. “I almost ran out of the building when they told me you were outside.” He planted a tender kiss on her forehead.
“Did I mess up your lunch?” He shook his head.
“I was done. But hey, I thought you were gonna come by this morning after you got off work?” Her heart skipped a beat.
“I was, but Jessi’s been sick lately, so I went home to look after her.” He seemed pleased with this excuse. He had no reason to disbelieve her. She hurried to change the subject. “I know you gotta get back soon, so I wanted to ask if you’ll come to supper at my place this afternoon when you get off.” She looked up into his dark eyes. They smiled as his mouth smiled.
“What time?”
“The kids get home around three-thirty, so four I guess.” He kissed her on the forehead again. They made small talk for a couple of minuets until Tony looked down at his watch.
“I gotta get going I guess,” he murmured quietly, resting his chin on the top of her head. April’s voice was small and timid as she spoke next.
“I feel so bad for asking this, but could you lend me forty dollars? I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t really need it, and I’ll pay you back just as soon as I get paid.”
“You don’t have to be scared to ask me things like that,” he said soothingly as he pulled out his wallet. “I love you and I wanna help you.” She buried her head in his chest to hide the pain on her face.
“You’re so good to me.”

The grocery store was nearly deserted when April arrived. She was greeted with a cold blast of air as the automatic doors slid open. She didn’t like that particular store very much. The floor had a tendency to be sticky, and there wasn’t much variety, but they were the lowest place in town. She had decided to cook spaghetti. It was simple and cheap. She picked up the noodles and sauce and was on her way to examine ground beef when someone tapped her on her shoulder. Startled, she turned and came face to face with Steve Shipman.
“Two times in one day.” He leaned in close to her ear and deepened his voice. His strong scent filled her nostrils. “Why April, I think you’re stalking me,” he said jokingly. She couldn’t help but to laugh along with him. His eyes were even more beautiful than she remembered. Butterflies were building in her stomach.
“No, just buying something for diner.”
“Ah, same here. Thought I’d cook something to take to work tonight. Tired of eating out of the vending machine.” They talked amiably as he helped her pick out a decent pack of meat. She wanted to break away from him, make up some excuse and leave, but she couldn’t. The memory of that unpleasant morning failed to haunt her as they spoke. Steve’s eyes were too warm and his voice too gentle. As he walked her to her car, she was sure of what she had seen earlier when he had stopped to check on her. His intentions were

seeping from his eyes. She would hate herself when it was all said and done, but that was a while away. All that mattered at that moment was the way his soft hand rested on the nape of her neck.

On the bus ride home, Jason told Caleb and Jessi about their mother’s dinner plans.
“I don’t really like Tony,” Caleb replied after a moment’s thought.
“I like him,” chimed in Jessi.
“You like anybody who gives you candy,” laughed Jason as he tickled her belly. Caleb almost had to yell over the boisterous roar of the other children on the bus.
“Do you think he’s gonna be our daddy?”
“We already have daddies,” answered Jason quickly. He panicked when he realized he had used the plural form of the word, but Caleb didn’t seem to notice. It was best to save that awkward conversation for another day. Jason was young when he found out, and for a long time he remembered feeling like his brother and sister weren’t really related to him. The father they all referred to was just some mysterious stranger they had never known.
“But I never seen him before. You think he’s gonna come back?” Caleb’s real father was dead.
“I don’t know,” shrugged Jason. “We don’t need him, anyway.”
April’s car wasn’t at home when they arrived, and the apartment was empty. There was no sign of food. They were used to this, but it stung harder than usual since expectations had been built. Jason made a split second decision. He called his siblings over to him.
“I got a job downtown, but I can’t leave you here by yourselves, so Ms. Avery is gonna look after you ‘til I get off.” The children were full of questions, but did as they were told without any prodding. Ms. Avery loved children, but had none of her own. And at seventy-one, she was far from capable of having any. She welcomed Caleb and Jessi with open arms. Jason told them he would be back at around nine-thirty, gave Jessi a kiss, and then set off down the street. He cursed underneath his breath as he started to feel sprinkles of rain dripping down on his face. After fifteen minutes he was only halfway there, with ten minutes left until he had to clock in. Suddenly, he noticed a familiar car heading his way. Tony slowly pulled up to him.
“Where you headed to?”
“Work.” He searched quickly for a lie. “Mama had to go in early, so she didn’t have time to cook.” Tony’s face sank.
“Aw man, and I was looking forward to it.” He peered up at the sky. “Get in. I’ll give you a ride.” Jason hesitated, but realized he had no other choice. They rode in strained silence, the rain strengthening with every mile. Jason stared blankly out the window while Tony stole glances from the corner of his eye. He wanted to say something, but what? He had never dated a woman with children. Jason almost sighed with relief as they pulled up to Giorgio’s. He had secretly been praying for a conversation-free ride. He didn’t hate Tony, but he didn’t like him either. If he had known the guy better he would have felt sorry for him. He was about to get out of the car when Tony finally spoke up.
“Hey, I just wanna say that I really care about your mama.” Jason sat in silence, not knowing how to respond. Tony cleared his throat. “It’s just that, I’m hoping to spend a lot more time with her. I don’t want you guys to hate me and think I’m trying to steal her away. I wanna get to know all

of you better.” Jason turned to him and nodded.
“Yea, you should

get to know mama better.”

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 05.10.2009

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