Josie, couldn’t stand it, she wished she could crawl under the covers of her bed forever. The pain inside was too much for her to handle. She felt as if a knife was slowly piercing her heart. Feeling so scared and alone, her arm now stinging to take away the pain that she felt inside. Holding a blade in her hand she watched as the blood ran down her arm. Clenching at her stomach she didn’t know what else to do. Her arm was full of the scars she had from all the pain inside. Josie knew it wasn’t much of a difference between a cut and just killing herself
“maybe then the pain will stop,” she would tell herself. She had thought about it so many times, but something always held her back. She wanted this pain to leave, but something told her, it wasn’t worth her life. She had gotten no sleep that night for she could not keep her mind off what she heard the night before.
“Josie needs a father, Rick; you cannot just leave like this. What about Tommy, he is only five. What should I tell him?” Josie heard a sob, but she heard no more. She wanted to get a little closer to the door. She stepped forward, but her foot got caught on the small box right in front of her. Josie went to the ground with a loud thud! She knew they had to have heard her, but she just sat there as still as she could be hoping no one would come out. After a few minutes, no one did, so she got up in a hurry and ran to her room.
“How did I not see that box there?” she asked herself. After she had gotten into her room, she noticed her face was wet, when she did she couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down her face. She curled up in her bed holding her stomach and cried and cried, but no one came after her. She thought for sure that life was over that there could be nothing left for her. Josie knew there was something wrong with her parents before, but she didn’t see her family was falling apart.
“I wish I could stay in bed for the rest of my life” she sobbed as she pulled the covers over her head. “Why didn’t I see this coming?” She asked herself grabbing her arm. She remembered the week before when her father took the family out to dinner for Josie’s birthday.
“Where do you want to go, Josie, it is your birthday you pick.” Said her father with a smile. “It’s your choice.” She looked at her family standing all dressed up with smiling faces. She looked at her Father then at her Mother they looked so happy, but there was something wrong
“why will they not stand together or even look at each other?” She asked herself, but as not to spoil the night, she said nothing.
“Well, how about Paisano’s?” She said, knowing this was the first place her father took her mother. It was a little Italian restaurant (she had secretly hoped in that, going there would get things back to normal, but it did just the opposite). She looked at her parents again and knew they did not like the idea, but they put on good faces anyway to try to make Josie happy. When they left the restaurant that night, her father stayed behind. He did not show up home until the next morning.
“That night was such a disaster,” she said to herself “why did they insist on going out to eat? I just wanted to stay home”. Josie closed her eyes in hopes of getting some sleep but the moment; she did her alarm went off.She reached out and shut it off, crawled out of bed and struggled to get ready for school. She could barely pull herself together the tears blurring her vision.
"Come on Jo, get a grip." She told herself. Taking in a deep breath washed her blood stained arm, wiped her tear streaked face, pulled on a long-sleeve shirt and headed down the stairs for breakfast. As she entered the dining room, there was her father sitting in his usual spot at the head of the table. Holding his newspaper in front of his face, (She was so relieved to see him). There next to him sat her little brother Tommy. She sat in her spot at the other side of him across from Tommy. Just then her mother walked out of the kitchen holding a pan full of eggs and sausage. “Smells good,” said Tommy almost in a whisper, Josie knew he could feel the tension. Josie looked at her mother and saw tears in her eyes but also held a smile.
"She is so beautiful" Josie thought to herself, smiling at her mother. By the way, her mother smiled Josie wondered if what she had heard the night before actually happened. She searched her mother’s face for any sign of hurt.
“Maybe it was a dream! She hides it so well,” Josie thought to herself, but she looked straight into her eyes, her mother quickly turned away, but Josie knew she saw it. It was like looking at someone’s heart after someone had taken a baseball bat to it, and she now knew this was real, it was no dream. Her smile faded instantly. Her parents were splitting up. She did not want to believe it, but she could not help it.
“Can you hurry up Helen? I do not have all day!” her thoughts were interrupted by her father’s angry voice “I have to get to the office.” Josie looked at her father then she turned to look at Tommy. She knew he did not have a clue what was happening, but it almost seemed as if he did he had such a worried look on his face. He wouldn’t look up from his food, and she thought she saw tears running down his face. She wanted to go over to him hold him in her arms and tell him that it was going to be okay.
“Yes dear I’ll have your food out right away,” her mother said with such a small voice, she could scarce believe it belonged to her mother. The rest of breakfast was eaten in silence; all in all, it was an extremely uncomfortable meal. Her mother would smile as much as possible, but they could see it was a struggle for her. Josie helped her mother cleanup from breakfast. Right after, she heard her father's car leave she kissed her mother goodbye and left for school. Josie loved school, but today, all she wanted to do was stay home to help her Mother in any way possible. Josie could see that it was not going to be an easy day. At school, she could not concentrate. She had no friends to tell anything to and the only person who noticed her was a boy, named Jake. She never noticed him much, but they had been at the same school and in the same classes since Josie had moved there. He always knew there was something different about her. He wanted to talk to her but, never had the courage. He stood at his locker waiting for his next class when he saw her. He watched her moving slowly through the crowd with her face to the floor as she past him her eyes met his. Her hand came to her face and wiped her cheek and just like that she was gone. As he walked home, he knew that he had to share with her the love that Christ gave him when he hurt. He made up his mind to talk to her the next day but, when he looked up across the street there she was walking home. Without thinking, he ran after her.
“Josie,” he called, but she did not answer. Her head was working over time she felt so exhausted that she didn’t even hear him. He didn’t give up he called, again and the third time he called her, she heard him.
“Josie,” he said again she looked back and saw him.
“Oh! Um hi,” she said her cheeks turning red trying to remember his name.
“My name is, Jake, don’t worry about it,” he said with a smile. “But I was wondering if I could walk you home?” he asked, placing his hand on her arm. Pain shot through her. Gasping, she dropped her books and grabbed her arm near her shoulder. She suddenly remembered he was there. She took her hand from her arm, flashed him a quick smile. She bent to pick up her books, but he already had them in his arms.
"I'll carry them." he told her. She looked at his face and into his eyes expecting him to condemn her any moment, but she saw something she had never seen in anyone else before. She saw a love she had never known. She looked down to the ground and then back up at him,
“Thank you,” she said. If this were any other day, she would not have complied, but seeing she had no one else she found herself longing for a friend. They walked on for a bit in silence then he finally asked what was wrong
"I saw you crying earlier and wanted to make sure your okay" he told her.
“Well,” she answered, fighting the tears. “My parents are splitting up,” she said. She struggled to tell him at first but after these words the whole thing came spilling out. She told him everything, almost everything, and when she finished, he looked at her amazed at how much pain she had hidden behind her eyes. Other than that time she had been so good at hiding everything anyone would have thought she was perfectly happy. She felt his gaze upon her; she could feel her cheeks getting hotter and hotter as the tears came down.She did not want to look at him because she was embarrassed for crying but, something pulled her into his gaze. When she looked she saw the love in his eyes once again, and she knew the love wasn’t for her, but that it must have been given to him. She had never seen anything like it. She felt peace in her heart. She wanted to know what it was about him that made him so different but, she said nothing and the two of them walked the rest of the way in silence. She now somehow felt happy, but she also knew it would not last.


Josie walked to the door of her home, turned around and smiled at Jake,
“Thanks for walking me home. I needed someone to talk to, so thanks,” she said.
“Sure,” he answered “but Josie..." He looked down at her porch and took a deep breath, unsure if he should ask the question that was eating at him. "Why did you drop your books when I touched your arm?” He asked. She looked down and said nothing but just opened the door, walked inside, turned and smiled at him,
“It’s just sore, I hurt it the other day” and with that she closed the door. Josie walked in the door of her home. It was unusually quiet.
“Mama!” She listened, but all she heard now was the sound of sobbing and crying. She knew what had happened, but she still would not believe it.
“It can’t be true,” she said to herself, “He’s not gone; He wouldn’t just leave he cares about us; about me,” she kept telling herself this over and over again checking the window every five minutes but as night fell he still did not come home. She woke up the next morning on her homework by the window. She quickly looked out of it, but his car still was not there she felt the hot tears rolling down her face. She went to her bed and laid down telling herself,
“This is just a dream. It cannot be true this is all wrong families can't just fall apart, not mine at least,” and with this new thought came a whole new series of hot tears.She reached over to the jewelry box on her desk beside her bed and took out the razor blade, she had hidden there for three months. She was going to cut herself, but when she ran the sharp edge across her skin nothing would happen. She could not explain it, she ran the blade across her skin over and over again, but she could feel nothing, no pain, no cut, and no blood. Frustrated she threw the sharp weapon across the room and collapsed onto the floor. She cried the whole morning. When she finally got the tears to stop she got herself ready for school and went downstairs, when she got to the dining room only Tommy was at the table.
“Good morning Jo,” He said with a smile she could not help but smile back at him,
“Good morning Tommy,” she said happy to have a bright and smiling face around.
“Where is Dad?” he asked her so innocently she held the tears back as best she could. She could feel them welling up in her eyes. She quickly pulled herself back together and said,
“He went to the office early this morning.” Yes, she lied to him. She loved him terribly, but as much as she loved him. Josie could not bring herself to tell him the awful truth that their father was gone probably forever.
“It would be better if mama explained it,” she told herself, trying to make herself feel better about lying to him. They had a quiet breakfast, and Josie could not think of anything to say to cheer her mother up, so she just sat quietly with her eyes down. Josie helped clean up then she had to be on her way to school again. As she stepped off her porch she around and across the road about five houses down, there was Jake.
“Has he lived right across the street from me this whole time, and I never knew?” (Josie had been living there for five years, but the idea had not occurred to her that some of these houses might, in fact, have children living in them). She stood there just watching as he walked down his driveway got to the sidewalk and crossed the street. He was coming straight toward her. Becoming aware of what she was doing, Josie became embarrassed that she was staring at him and quickly turned away. He did not seem to notice he walked directly to her. “Are you okay Josie?” he asked “you look pale,” he said with concern. She looked the other way hoping the water works would not appear again. “I'm fine,” she answered with a shaky voice “it’s just been a rough morning is all.” She did feel a little dizzy, but she thought it was just because she was tired. He looked her in the eyes, but she quickly turned away. “Alright then, let’s go” he said with a small smile. A little unsure, he kept an eye on her the whole way. At times, she would stumble a bit, and she looked as if she were going to faint, but Josie was a strong person and held out until they were half way to the school, but she wasn’t that strong. She suddenly felt extremely dizzy. Everything was going black it was getting hard for her to breath she did not know what was happening, but she thought if she only had one last thing to look at she wanted to see the love that she hungered. She turned suddenly and looked at Jake attempting to see his eyes and the love that was held within them. However, she turned to fast and collapsed right in front of him. He was ready to catch her at an instant (as much as he could catch her) he knew she was not well. It was only a few minutes that she was out, but when she woke up, she was laying on the grass with Jake sitting right next to her. He seemed to be saying something, but she could not make it out. It was all gibberish to her. She sat up and looked at him, but she had gotten up to fast and again, everything went black and she did not wake up again until she was home.


When she collapsed, Jake caught her and laid her on the grass and immediately started to pray,
"Please, Jesus, please help her. She needs you, please let her be okay” Before he had time to finish she sat up the color came back to her face for a bit but then was gone again. He noticed she was wearing a baggy, quarter sleeved shirt. When she fell for the second time her sleeve bunched up around her shoulder, and he saw why she dropped her books the day before. He looked at her face and then back at the scars he took out a bandanna and wrapped it around her cut arm (as he did he had a pain in his right arm that he could not explain) when he finished he put her arm around his neck and brought her home. For the rest of the day, Jake could not focus all his friends (though he did not have many) were wondering what was going on with him but could get no story out of him.
"What is wrong?” they would ask,
“it’s nothing,” he would answer. They knew there was something wrong, but he did not want to tell them because they said they were Christians, but he would have never known if he hadn't known them from his church. They would taunt and tease and say he did not care about her, but that he just liked her. Right after school he ran to her house to see if she was okay. He was terribly worried and did not know what to expect. Flash backs of his past were flooding into his mind. When he got to her house, it seemed like the slowest he had ever run, but he finally got there, He knocked at the door (he did not want to ring the bell, he did not know if she was sleeping). Josie’s mother opened the door. She looked sad and hurt,
"Hello,” she said with such a sweet and gentle voice that made him almost forget about how sorry she looked.
“Hi Mrs.Monsore, I am Jake, from across the street. I'm the one who brought Josie home when she passed out. Can I talk to her please?” He asked with such concern in his voice she could not say "no," even if she wanted.
“She is upstairs in her room second door to the right, come on in, and thank you” she said with a smile.
“Any time,” he answered. He wanted to charge upstairs but contained himself. He stepped inside and walked up the stairs as quiet as possible.


Josie was in her bed trying to remember what had occurred. She went over it in her head again and again. All she could remember was his eyes, and how they always seemed so calm and understanding, and then she thought about what he was saying it all sounded like gibberish except the words, “she needs you” she thought about it,
“Who do I need?” she said to herself when she was suddenly startled by a knock on her door.
“Can I come in?” he asked "it's Jake."
“Sure,” she answered. The door opened, and a smiling face appeared.
“Hey Josie, how are you feeling?” he asked, closing the door behind him and taking a seat on her bed.
“Oh, great” she answered with sarcasm. “What happened?” she asked, “All I remember is turning around to see …”she stopped and looked down a little sheepishly “Um, I mean turning around” she finished still feeling a little awkward. He did not seem to notice.
"You turned around to fast and passed out, you were white as a ghost. I caught you right before your head hit the ground you scared me for a minute there."
“Oh, I'm sorry,” she apologized “You saw my arm …?” she asked a little frustrated. He looked down at his hands twirling a quarter between his fingers.
“Did you wrap it for me?” she asked, looking at his face.
“I didn’t want anyone to see it… ” he answered in a whisper looking at the bright green wall, following the painted black vine that stretched across the whole room. Following it to the lavender curtains that draped over the bench by the window. His eyes ran along the bench when something shiny caught his attention. Squinting from the bright light that blinded him, he realized what it was he was looking at.
"So you cut yourself...?" he asked, taking in a deep breath. Josie followed his gaze and saw the razor. She closed her eyes and answered,
“Yes!"
"Why?" he asked in a hushed tone.
"It's hard sometimes. I feel it’s easier to have the pain on the outside, so you don't have to think about the pain on the inside.” She opened her eyes and looked at him. He sat looking at the ground his brow knitted together. His eyes were dark and pained she watched as his jaw clenched. He twirled the coin between his fingers faster and faster till it fell to the tiles with a loud ringing. He quickly bent over and picked it up. His eyes met hers, and he gave her a slight smile.
"Do you want to quit?" He asked her keeping eye contact. Josie could not stop the tears from coming out. Jake sat down next to her and wiped the moisture from her face.
“I heard you talking, when I passed out. You said I needed someone.” He looked at her smiling again.
“Well don’t just look at me. Who were you talking about?” she asked.
“Well, I will tell you, but not yet because you won’t believe me” he said watching her face for a reaction.
"Try me!" she said waiting for him to tell her.
“Well, okay” he began.


“When I was little my Pa liked to drink a lot. My Ma said he never used to until I was about a year old. That’s when he started his heavy drinking and it just kept getting worse. I don't remember much about my real family, but I remember my Ma always had bruises.
"I tripped on something or something fell on me," Ma would tell me, but when I got a little older my Pa did not hurt her in secret anymore. I wanted to stop him, but I did not know how so it just kept happening, but one day he was more, drunk than I ever remember him and that put him in a horrible mood, and ever though I was young I will never forget that day.”


“Jake get over here this instant” yelled raspy voice. “Why are you so lazy boy? I told you to be up before your Ma. She has been up since dawn. Why are you still sleeping? Don’t you know what it is to live on a ranch? It is hard work, no room for laziness,” he growled.
"I'm coming Pa I'm sorry I didn’t mean to be lazy” I said with a cough.
“Always excuses. I’ll get you work-in yet” he growled.
“Please Frank” my Ma intervened “He’s just a boy.”
“Woman!“ he roared “you stay out of this!” he swung his belt at her. “Now you get going boy, or you’ll be feeling this on your back side!” he finished with a hard strike to the wall, and I ran out of the house to do my chores. I turned around just in time to see him turn on my Ma.
“What have I told you about getting in my way?” he said to her with eyes so sinister, I hardly believe he ever loved her. She just stood there trembling like a little kid. I could see she wanted to turn and run, but her legs would not move. Even if she did run it would not have done any good. He would have caught her in a flash; all she could do was stand there scared. He was almost upon her, when she finally found her voice. She gathered all her strength and gave one scream but, that was all she could get out before he caught hold of her. I ran out to do my work, and when I got home, I found my Pa sitting in a chair in a drunken sleep. I dared not go in front of the house, so I went around to the back to get in that way (because it was a pretty big house, and he wouldn’t hear me from there). When I got there what I found is something a six-year old would never imagine could ever happen, but it did. There was my Ma just laying crumpled up bleeding, beaten and bruised. I did what I could to help, but there wasn’t much a six-year old could do, I wrapped her with some blankets and tried to wake her up, but her eyes wouldn't open. So I ran as fast as I could to get help. We had no phone because my Pa did not want to waste money. I ran as fast as I could, to get to town. I don’t know how long it took me, but I was young and couldn’t run very fast. When I got to town, I went straight to the police and explained all that happened as well as I could. The ambulance went to my house with sirens. They arrested My Pa before he knew what was happening. Last time I saw him, he had his hands cuffed behind his back. They took My Ma, and me, when we got to the hospital I went with my Ma but the doctor had me taken away by the nurse. I sat in a chair outside her door for an hour. When they brought me back in, and my Ma was awake and cleaned up, but she was barely breathing.
“Jacob,” she called holding out her hand to me, I took it, and she pulled me close. “I have arranged for you to live somewhere nice and go to school and grow up with the other boys. You won’t have to do so much work, and you can have friends. Won’t you like that?” she asked with a faint smile. I looked at her and tried my hardest to smile but could not stop the tears from coming down.
“Will you come too?” I asked eagerly she gave a slight smile, but her face was clouded.
“No sweetie, I'm going to Heaven. It is beautiful, and I'm going to stay with your little brother Benny and take care of him” She said with a sigh, “Your father loves us very much even if it doesn’t look like it or feel like it. We will be together again I love you.” She whispered to me as one tear crawled down her face. She breathed in deep, and smiled at me her eyes began to roll back. the machine beside her started beeping uncontrollably, and all the nurses started running around till the beeping was a constant ringing, and she was gone. I took my little finger and wiped the tear off her face.
"Tell Benny I said hi." I whispered in her ear as my own tears blinded me. I knew that this was the last time I would see her. I already missed how she would put her hands through my hair, when I was sad and sing to me when I could not sleep. I crawled up beside her and laid there. The nurses all thought they should take me away, but the doctor would not let them.
“Let the boy lay with his mother, this is the last time he will ever have the chance to.” I fell asleep there crying and feeling the warmth of her one last time


“Wait, what does this have to do with who I need?” she asked
“The story isn’t done yet” he replied.
“Okay, what happened?” Josie asked calming down.
“My Ma was right; she found a good family for me. I never saw my Pa again. When I got to my new home, I was hurt and scared my Pa had killed my Ma If he would turn on her who would turn on me, Who could I trust? I tried to eat, but everything I ate would come right back up again. I started feeling dizzy all the time not knowing what to do, I stayed in bed most of the time. I don’t remember anymore, but my mother, Mrs. Walker told me one night she came up to get me for dinner, but when she did she saw me laying on the ground with a fever, burning up. She picked me up and put me in my bed, getting a cold towel and placing it on my head, but it did little good because right when she placed it there it became as hot as my head. So she got some ice from the freezer, wrapped it in a towel and kept it on my head. I had a fever for ten days, but one morning I just remember opening my eyes and seeing the sun for the first time in a long time …


"Jake how are you feeling today?” Mrs. Walker asked, brining in a cup of water.
“I'm fine ma'am” I answered barely even noticing her "What do I need to do to stay here ma’am?” I asked not sure if she even wanted me there; she looked at me with a smile,
“Honey,” she whispered, “This is your home now, as long as you want it to be. We are not going to make you leave if you don’t do chores.” I looked at her in disbelief,
“You won’t ma’am?” I asked not convinced.
“Oh Jake, no and you don’t have to call me ma’am you can call me Aunt Sue, mother or mama any of them suit me just fine,” she said with a grin.
“Breakfast is downstairs if you want some,” she told me as she was on her way downstairs. I just sat there. I was happy now, but, I didn’t think I was supposed to be because my Ma was dead. I could not stop feeling that my Ma was happy too, so I started talking to her,
“Ma,” I whispered, “I hope you’re happy in Heaven because I'm happy here. I like them and I wonder if it would be okay with you if I called Mrs. Walker Mother? I know you will always be my mother but she...” I stopped for a second as tears began to fill my eyes “She loves me like you loved me, so I just wanted to know if that’s okay. Ma do you miss me?” he asked "I miss you, I miss you so much. I wonder if maybe you and Benny are watching me right now? If you are, please give him a hug for me. I hope you’re happy where you are.” I got up and went to the table to eat.
I had lived a whole year with them when they let me go to school! I was so excited I got to learn to read and write like other kids and speak proper, but I started to wonder about what happened to my Pa, so I started asking my Mother and Father if they knew anything about him. They didn’t for a long time until one day they got word. The police found his body in a lake on the same day two years after I lost my Ma. He broke out of jail; hit his head, fell into the lake and drowned. I had a lot of trouble with knowing that both of my parents that had raised him were gone. But, after a while it got easier to accept. I went to Sunday School every week, and they kept saying something about someone named Jesus and how he would always be there no matter what, and that he died on the cross so that we could go to Heaven, but they also talked about a hell and if you didn’t accept Jesus your name wouldn’t be written in the book they call the “Lambs Book of Life.” One day I came home from Sunday school very upset my parents were worried about me, so they came in to talk to me. “Jake,” said his mother’s voice, “Are you okay?” she asked “Yes, I'm fine, Mother. I was just thinking, well, today I accepted Jesus into my heart, but they say if you don’t you can’t go to heaven so how do I know my Ma, and little Benny are in Heaven?… and my Pa” I asked with eyes full of fear and sadness. “Well,” said my Mother with a grin on her face now (for she could not help but to be proud of the choice I made) “There is something you should know about your Ma. She became a Christian about a week before what happened so you can rest assured that she will be there to greet you when you arrive.” I looked up at my Mother’s smiling face and knew that I could trust her.


“So you still didn’t tell me who I need!” exclaimed Josie. “Who is the person who gave you the hope and the love I can always see in you?” she asked insistently but immediately shrank away again “I'm sorry, I didn’t mean to be so forceful” she whispered sheepishly. “It’s okay,” he answered her forgivingly “It’s Jesus you need. Jesus, He will always be there for you when you need him and all you have to do is ask Him into your heart and tell him you have sinned,” he said excitedly. “Well, where is He then so I could ask him?” she asked him with inquiring eyes. “Well, He’s right here,” pointing to his chest, “He's in my heart. He died on a cross, and he rose again in three days. He now lives in my heart forever, and he is the best father you could ever ask for. He will never leave you or forsake you. He shed his blood so you don’t have to” he answered. “Will you help me?” she asked, “I don’t know how to pray” she said very softly looking into his eyes. “Just say what you feel in your heart and ask him to come and live in you” he told her with reassurance, so they both closed their eyes, and she started “Dear Jesus, um… I know and believe you died for me, but then you came to life again. I know I am a handful, and I know I have done wrong and cut myself, but I want to stop so can you come and live in my heart and be with me forever and ever and if you can thank you amen.” Now, Jake and Josie stayed friends for a long time. Three years of joy and laughter had gone by, but even though they didn’t know it a time of heartache was ahead for the both of them.


By now Josie was sixteen. Tommy was nine (almost ten as he would say) and Jake had just turned seventeen, and they were now in high school and there “you always have to be the best of all” they would say, “you have to be popular to make it” they would say but to be popular you had to have a popular boyfriend or girlfriend but Jake and Josie were never really into being with the popular people. Josie was very pretty. She was more pretty than all the girls in the school (you can imagine how much the boys hated Jake because she always spent every spare moment with him), but her beauty came from the inside out it wasn’t from looks it was from her heart that made her so beautiful. One day she decided that being beautiful wasn’t always a good thing. “They keep looking at me Jake. I don’t like it,” said Josie a little scared. “Well, neither do I,” answered Jake. “But your beautiful Josie you can’t change that” he said to her. “Stop it” she pushed him with a smile, “Your just saying that” she told him with all seriousness. “Well, I say do you call me a liar miss?” he said jokingly, “Then how so do you explain why Bobby Worthington has not taken his eyes off you for the last week and a half?” he asked her with a smirk on his face. “What!” she exclaimed annoyed he would tease her like that. (For Bobby Worthington was the boy whom she had a crush on for six months, and she declared that she loved him) “How could you tease me so?” she probed him angrily “look for yourself Josie. He is coming over even now,” Jake whispered to her. And so he was, to her surprise. She was feeling foolish now for not believing her friend. She sank back in her chair, “I'm sorry Jake, and I thought you were just being cruel, but I see now you weren’t. Will you forgive me?” she asked him most sincere “of course I will” he whispered right before Bobby got there. “Hey Josie,” he said to her kind of smitten. “Hey” she answered (she was so nervous that was all she could get out) “so would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?” he asked her. “Sure I’d love to,” she answered with a huge smile. “Well, I’ll pick you up at six then,” he gave her a smile, turned around, and he was gone. “Breathe Jo” she could hear Jake telling her. She hadn’t noticed, but she was so excited she forgot to breathe. “He asked me to go to dinner with him!” she shouted gently. “I can’t believe it … will you help me pick out an outfit for tonight?” she asked Jake in a begging voice. He was happy to help her get ready in any way he could. “Have a good night sweet heart” Josie’s mother shouted on her way out. “Night Jo,” said Jake’s voice. Before long, the two started hanging out all the time. They had gotten really close and everyone started calling them a couple, all except one. Jake was happy for her, but he found himself constantly waiting for her to see him again, even just a call or a glance. He never noticed how much he really liked her in that sense. He never thought he would (when they were young other kids would make fun of them and say they were going to get married and the both of them always thought that was gross but so much changes from fourteen to seventeen), but now he found himself missing her being with him all the time. “She is happy with him. He is what she always wanted just be happy for her” he would tell himself, so he just stayed out of her way but as always stayed close behind. One night he noticed her leaving on another date with Bobby, but something felt wrong the only way he could explain the feeling was when you are lying in bed, but you can’t get to sleep because you have a feeling something bad is going to happen, but you don’t know what. He thought it was just because he was jealous, so he did nothing. That night he couldn’t go to sleep, he kept waiting for the sound of a car but there was none. The street was dead silent. “She’s just carrying it out a little late tonight that’s all.” He tried to convince himself that there was nothing wrong, but the feeling was still there and no matter what he could not get rid of it. Finally, he decided to get up and look out the window and when he did he caught a glimpse of the clock it was three thirty in the morning he knew he had to go find her, but he didn’t know where to start so he got on his knees right there and prayed, “Lord, please help me to find her, you know where she is. Keep her safe, show me where she is.” He started out in his car just on the main roads going back and forth all over the highways, but he found nothing but there was a bridge he crossed many times and after about an hour, he felt the urge to go look down under it so despite his fear for her, he went down under the bridge and there was a small stream running. He found a rock and sat down a moment and saw something on the other side of the stream it looked almost like a crumpled up animal, but as he went to get a closer look. He saw it was no animal but a person as he saw it the memories of his mother’s beaten body came flooding to his mind. Tears started down his face as he rushed over to where the limp person lay but when he got close enough to touch it, he saw that he knew this girl, and that she was no ordinary girl, but she was Josie! He couldn’t bear it, but he took off his shirt and wrapped it around her weak body and carried her carefully to his car. As he drove her to the hospital, he tried to talk to her to try to comfort her. “Maybe she can still hear me,” he thought to himself. “Stay with me, Josie” he would say, “we are almost there, don’t leave me Josie. I love you, please stay with me.” When he got her to the hospital, they took her in right away. He was left in the waiting room worrying so much he couldn’t stay still. He decided to call Josie’s mother, but she did not answer. After two days of him coming and going the nurse finally came out and told him Josie was awake wanted to see him. “Thank you God,” he whispered he stood up nervously and followed the nurse when he got to the room, he was not ready for what he was about to hear.


When Josie woke up, she didn’t recognize where she was. She looked around and heard something beeping and realized she was in the hospital. She then heard voices, “She is awake” they said and a nurse came in right away, “Excuse me,” Josie said quietly “yes?” replied the nurse in the same soft tone “how did I get here? Josie asked very confused. “Well, it was a young man named Jake” the nurse answered her. Josie’s face immediately brightened up then immediately clouded over and the nurse could tell he was close to her “Would you like me to bring him in?” inquired the nurse “Yes, please,” Josie said in a whisper. It wasn’t long after that he stepped through the door so tall so handsome she thought to herself, but she had not paid attention to him. It had been almost three months since she last talked to him, other than a hello or good bye. She was so ashamed she couldn’t look at him, but she heard a familiar voice call to her, “hi, Jo” he said just like he always did. She felt her body tingle like it used to when she saw Bobby. She finally got the courage to look at him in the face, and she saw the love in his eyes once more, the same that was there before (but it almost seemed different to her). She knew he wasn’t mad at her. “Oh, Jake” she said with a sob, and she burst into tears, “hey, it’s okay I'm here now” he tried to comfort her. “It was awful” she told him with a struggle, “Why couldn’t I stop him? Why did he do it? I thought he loved me.” She cried even harder, just then the nurse came in “Sir, I need you to step out please. We cannot risk her getting upset.” She said hastily rushing him out. So he left the room after calming Josie down. Right outside the door was the doctor; he was waiting to talk to Jake. “Son,” he said, “We need to talk. I suggest you sit down.” So Jake took a seat. The doctor looked at him for a minute “Do you know what happened to your friend, Mr. Walker, is it?” “Yes sir, that’s my name and no sir, I don’t know what happened to her, but if you know sir, will you please tell me I need to know.” He said firmly. “Settle down, son, we know what happened, but we need all the information we can get” the doctor declared, “son, your friend, Josie Monsore, was a victim of rape” the doctor said with all seriousness “I know it’s not what anyone would want to hear about Josie or anyone else, for that matter, but it’s true” he stated grimly. Jake’s face was as white as snow. “You mean to tell me someone forced themselves on her?” he asked with such wide eyes you could see the pain as clear as day. “I'm afraid so” answered the doctor “and there is more we believe the girl … is with child” it was almost too much for Jake to take in at first then he asked the doctor if he could see her again “go right ahead she is waiting for you” he replied.


Once again, Jake was in the room where Josie was lying helpless and scared. By now, her mother had come and gone to get her, a few things, and it was just he and Josie. He looked at her beautiful face bruised, cut in a few places as she was sleeping, he would stroke her long hair just talking to her about times they had together or what he had wished would happen in their future someday asking her what she thought could have happened if he told her how he felt about her or what would have happened if he had just followed her because he knew there was something wrong, but the hard part was that she could not hear any of what he was saying. When she woke up again he was right there she looked at him, and everything came flooding back to her like a bad dream “oh, Jake” she said the tears coming back to her eyes “hey, it’s okay Josie. I'm here, tell me what happened. I'm here,” he said to her soothingly (but to be honest he was holding back tears of his own) “okay,” she said breathing deeply to clear her head “I was going out with Bobby. That night, I felt a little uneasy about going that night, but I just shrugged it off. When he came to pick me up, he sat me in the passenger seat and when he got in, he had a wild look in his eyes.”


“I have a surprise for you, but it will have to wait until after our date,” said Bobby with a grin on his face that made me a little scared but curious at the same time, so I just sat there and smiled. He took me to see a movie, and I loved every moment of it, there were parts that made me cry and parts that made me want to snuggle up next to Bobby. When we got out it was dark out but there was a full moon. I climbed back into his car expecting to go home, but at the same time I was a little confused “He usually takes me out to eat,” I thought to myself, but just as I thought that a horrible feeling came over me that I didn’t understand so I just shook it off. Bobby was driving then he stopped “what are you doing Bobby?” I asked him with a suspecting smile. “I'm showing you my surprise” he said with that same grin, he opened the door for me and let me out. I was hesitant at first, but he reassured me that it would be okay. “I thought we would have a moonlight picnic tonight just you and me” he said. I suddenly had a bad feeling, and I could almost swear I heard someone say don’t go, but I shook it off. He grabbed a basket from the back of the car, and he helped me down. Closer to under the bridge itself, he laid down the blanket and put his hand out as if to say, “Come on” so I grabbed it, and he led me to the blanket where we both sat down. He got out the food but there wasn’t much it seemed that he had brought me down there for something else, but his smile made me think otherwise. When we had eaten I asked if we could go now. “Let’s just stay here a while” he said, “I like it here with you,” as he said that to me, I could feel him moving closer, he had kissed me once before, but I asked him not to do it again, it just felt wrong. But as he moved closer that night the bigger, the feeling of panic came over me. I felt like he was a lion ready to pounce. Now he was so close I could feel his breath on my neck. I was about to jump up when he grabbed hold of my wrist and started kissing on my neck. I tried pulling away, but it was no use. “We should get going,” I said, “Bobby, please, Bobby, please stop!” I pleaded now shaking like a leaf “no I’m not going to stop” he muttered with a chuckle, he started to get rough. “Bobby, please don’t do this” I pleaded again “but he paid no attention as I tried to get away pulling myself and inching away. Trying to get up and run, but every time I got further away he was right there holding me kissing me. But the last time I got far enough away I jumped to my feet but right as I jumped up. He caught hold of my wrist once more and thrust me to the ground. He jumped on top of me yelling, “You’re staying right here with me until I say I’m done!” His eyes were now black as night. I was so scared she didn’t know what to do. I struggled as much as I could, but there comes a time when struggling is no longer enough and all your strength is gone, and you can’t fight the fight any more.
”I screamed and that’s the last I remember,” she cried “I thought he loved me” she looked into Jake’s eyes to see the love that had been the first thing she ever saw in him, it still gave her peace. “It’s okay Josie. We all make mistakes, and I know it’s probably not the best time to tell you this, but I am so proud that no matter what he said you fought against him, that you didn’t let him sweet talk you into doing it, he had to force you, and he probably left with cuts and bruises himself. It will be okay, Josie. God still loves you even if you don’t see it right now.” He said looking at her “do you think He is proud of me even though I didn’t listen those three times He tried to tell me?” she asked feeling guilty for what happened. “I do” answered Jake “Even though you could have avoided it, you didn’t go with the flow of how Bobby wanted it to go, and I think God is very proud of you and to show for it you are going to have a baby,” he said with a smile. She couldn’t help but smile at that for she was very excited for the baby she was soon to have in her arms.


As time went on Josie was let out of the hospital and then went back to school she had a little belly now, but the elders of the school agreed that she could come back knowing all that she went through. She went back grateful to the school but when she stepped foot in the place for the first time after what happened memories came flooding to her head of how head over heels she was for Bobby, (who was now in jail for countless rape accounts) how gullible she was the first time he asked her out, and most of all she remembered how she ignored Jake for those three months. The pain was so great it was almost more than she could bear it felt like everyone knew and were always watching her every move. But Jake was always right behind her. She soon got over it and any time someone would criticize her for her pregnancy, she would just rub her stomach and thank God for the joy he had given her. Jake went with her everywhere and was always taking care of her. Nine months went by faster than anyone expected Josie knew that when her baby was born, she would have to give it up to the adopted parents whom she had chosen they were lovely people that loved God with all their hearts and went by the name of Tillman. Josie and Jake had gotten to know them really well, but she still couldn’t fight the overwhelming feeling of losing her child before she had even held him in her arms. When she would find time alone she would often just start crying without being able to hold it in for everything that she went through just put so much weight on her, she didn’t know what to do she would hold her stomach and weep in knowing her child would grow up calling someone else mother, in knowing she would only hold her child for a few days then he would be a Tillman. Jake came in one day and found her crying. He ran over to her to find what happened right when he got over to her, she grabbed him and just held on with her face in his shoulder. He was going to ask what happened but when she just held him; he knew that she was just hurting from the pain of not being her own baby’s mother. He just sat down with her and cradled her in his strong arms “Josie, you have to give this to God you can’t carry this weight by yourself the Bible says that His burden is easy and His yoke is light. Give this to Him. He has a plan for you, me and this baby, just give it to Him. He knows what He's doing” said Jake soothingly. They just sat there together holding each other thanking God that they had one another.


It was night, and Jake couldn’t sleep he had a feeling something was happening. He kept getting up and pacing his room he knew tonight was the night he was just waiting for the call that would bring him to jump to her aid because he insisted on being the driver to get her to the hospital. He was deep in thought when he heard the phone ring. He jumped up and answered it in an instant “Hello, is it time?” he asked anxiously “Calm down Jake,” answered a voice on the other end of the phone “I just called to tell you that labor has started it will probably be a few more hours, but she wants you here she won’t stop saying your name.” He was a little worried “I’ll be right there” he replied. He got over as fast as he could he got out his key and walked right in the door Tommy was standing there, “Hi, Jake” he said with a worried look on his face. “Are you here to take Josie away?” he asked very scared now. “Not yet Tommy, your sister is going to have a baby aren’t you excited?” he inquired trying to cheer him up “I don’t like the sound of it. She keeps making noises” Tommy said “well Tommy, this isn’t easy for Josie, but she will come home. I promise God is keeping her safe.” He told Tommy reassuring, “God knows what he's doing he’ll help us through this” he said as he put Tommy back in bed, just then Tommy’s mother came and got Jake. “She needs you now she only wants you with her and no one else, comfort her Jake, keep her thinking about God. It will always help because He is the one who will take the pain away.” She told him as he walked up the stairs, and he felt like time had gone back, and he was going up the stairs quietly, and he turned to her room it was in the very same place he opened the door to see her laying there he couldn’t get over how beautiful she was and she turned her head just slightly to see him walk in she gave a faint smile that beckoned him to her side. He went over to her side and sat he almost couldn’t believe his eyes. She was like a dream come true and the closer he got the more beautiful she became. He sat at her bedside, they just looked at each other for about two hours, but it seemed like only minutes, and no words were even needed he took hold of her hand, and both knew it was time but neither wanted to leave. He picked her up, and she put her arms around his neck and just looked into his eyes and couldn’t remove them for there was something she hadn’t seen before in them. His strong arms wrapped around her and held her as if she were only five pounds. How thankful she was to God for him. She didn’t know where she would be without him. They got to the car. Her mother wasn’t there because she was taking Tommy over to Jake’s mother’s house for them to watch him, and she would be there only about a half-hour after. As they were driving he was saying soothing words to keep her calm. They had about a forty-five minute drive but they never noticed she had no pain but was pretty much falling asleep to the sound of his voice saying how much God loved her and how he had taken care of both of them. Before he knew it she was asleep she looked so peaceful you could hardly tell she was in labor and yet he was still marveling at how beautiful God had made her “Thank you Lord I never would have found her without your help.” As they drove into the hospital parking lot, he parked, but he knew it was still a while longer so he sat there staring at her beauty bewildered at how God had chosen him for such a person. He could hardly fathom how God had planned the whole thing out. He was still unsure if she would be willing to have him. He knew that decision was still far off so he finally woke her up and brought her in to get her registered. Josie’s mother was already inside waiting for them. She took her and got her taken care of but as for Jake, he had to stay in the waiting room, although it was very nice and comfortable, it took so long, and he was so nervous that the nice chairs felt like hard wood, the walls looked dark and gloomy, the time seemed to crawl by he wasn’t sure what to do with himself but the only thing he really could do was wait and pray.


Jake felt himself being shaken, he opened his eyes, saw it was morning and found he had fallen asleep. He looked up to see Josie’s mother standing over him “Jake” she was saying, “Jake, you can come in now” he looked at her, stood up, and stretched “What time is it?” he asked “its ten ‘o’clock, and she really wants to see you right now,” she answered him with a smile. “Has she had the baby?” he asked “Yes,” said her mother, “About forty-five minutes ago,” she replied “A beautiful baby boy” He got up and followed her into the room. He stepped in, to see Josie and her son lying together; she turned her head and smiled a weak smile. He rushed to her side gave her a soft look and picked up the child who laid on her chest “The Tillmans said I can name him, I have named him Edward,” she said, “Edward Jacob.” He looked at her with tears in his eyes “you named him after me? You would do that?” he asked sitting down in the chair right next to her side. “Of course I would. God brought you to me. Whenever I had a hard time or didn’t know what to do you were there to bring me back to God. You saved my life” she said to him, “of course I would do that for you.” He leaned over and softly touched his lips to her forehead and kissed her gently “I am honored Josie, gold itself could not be more precious”

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 02.02.2012

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Dedicated to Andrew Bird & Michi Shaffer