Every morning I came to sit on the beach. It took away some of the frustration sitting here away from everything. I thought of the times when dad, mom, and I would come here how we use to laugh together. That definitely wasn’t us now. Since dad left for this young women named Destiny. I remember sneaking out the house to come here to get away from all the yelling and crying. I know mom could feel that her marriage was over but she kept fighting trying to make everything work out. I knew that they weren’t going to stay together but I wanted everything to work out too. That didn’t even take place Destiny worked her way in our lives even more. Daddy start saying he had to work over time. I knew it all was a lie. I just didn’t get her name Destiny. Every time I heard her name I got mad. Yeah it must was so destined for her to come in our lives and break up our family. When mom and dad finally got divorced he told mom she could keep the house. Mom looked at him like he was stupid and told him she was already going to keep the house no matter what he said. Daddy always said that if mom wasn’t working so much at her restaurant that their relationship would never lead him to cheat. I thought that was the stupidest thing I ever heard come out of his mouth.
I get up to start walking home I have to help mom today down at the restaurant. I’ve been helping there every since her and daddy got divorced I kind of like it. All I do is take orders from her and her second base helper Julian and wash a cotillion of dishes. So when I get in the house mom is pacing around in the kitchen looking for her keys. “Jay is that you, she screams?” “Yes mom, I’m about to go upstairs and get ready, I yell back down the stairs.” I go upstairs and hurry up and put my clothes on for the restaurant. I come back down stairs mom is shaking her keys in her hand. “So you’re ready and I told you about that shirt. You don’t have your shirt hanging down on your pants. This is a business you’re not about to go run around with your friends. How will you ever be able to get a job if you don’t know how to dress?” I hate when she starts her two hour speeches she goes on and on. I just nod my head at her and say mom I’m only sixteen I’ll get it. Mom looks in the rearview mirror in the car to check her makeup. When we get to the restaurant she rushes me to the back to see what needs to be done. Julian sees me come in and says, “I’m glad you finally made it now get to the sink and wash those dishes.” I wash all those dishes that just never stop coming and mom comes in the back. “Hello everyone mom says in her most cheerful voice. How is everything back here?” Betty smiles at mom and says, “It’s going, how about out there?” Mom starts laughing like that’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard. We all look at her like she’s crazy. “Mom is you okay, I ask.” She stops laughing and says, “Yes sweetie I am I’m just laughing because everything is always chaotic out there but like Betty said its going. Also your father said he’ll be here to pick you up in an hour to take you out to lunch.” After she says all that she walks back out to her chaotic customers. I go back to the sink and start back washing dishes. I guess that’s part of being the dish washer at a restaurant. After awhile I hear mom and dad by the door arguing. “Why is she always at this restaurant cleaning? This is not her responsibility to be doing all of this, dad complains to mom.” “Well this help her with independents and she needs responsibility maybe she won’t end up like you. Leaving all of your responsibility, mom argues.” “Jasmine don’t, I don’t have time. I just want to pick up my daughter to have lunch with her.” I leave the sink to go. I walk to the door and open it. “Hi daddy I’m about to go to the car. Mom I’ll see you when you come home tonight.” “I’ll be right behind you honey, dad says.” Mom waves at me while I’m walking out of the restaurant. Daddy gets in the car and it start the engine. His phone starts ringing. I just sit back, wishing I was lying in the rain on the beach. He gets off the phone. “Well, sweeties don’t be mad but I got to handle some business with Destiny. So I’m going to just drop you off home. Is that okay with you? “I start laughing how mama start laughing. “Is that okay with me, I scream at him. I don’t care what you do but you’re not taking me home.” He looks at me for awhile. “Honey I’m going to have to take you home. Where else are you going to go?” I rolled my eyes at him and opened the car door. “Daddy I rather walk home. I guess I’ll see you when you’re not too busy pampering your new wife.” I get out of the car and start walking. I turned around I didn’t see his car moving so I guess it didn’t matter to him if some stranger came and grabbed me.
When I got in the house it was like twenty messages on the answer machine. I listened to them they were mostly mom. I could tell and her voice she was panicking. On one of her messages she said she was on her way home. I went upstairs to my room and got my iPod and start listening to my music that makes me calm. I heard the door slam and then I heard mom footsteps coming up the stairs. She screams, “Jayla Smith how dare you walk out your father car and start walking in all that rain. I can’t believe you your dad was confused at your sudden behavior.” I throw my iPod down on the bed and open my door. “My sudden behavior you act like I went to go rob the bank.” She rolls her eyes at me and goes in her room. “Well you act like you have. Why are you acting like this? You never suppose to let your father think that I’m not taking care of you.” I scream on the top of my lung to remove some of the frustration I feel. “I’m so sick and tired of all of this crap. Mom I’m sorry but I don’t want to stay her for awhile I don’t want to be here in the summer going through this crude and I don’t want to see you and dad for awhile. Can I please go stay with Aunt Margaret? Please mama I need some time away from here or I think I’ll kill myself.” I sit on the stairs crying and mama sits on the edge of her bed crying. “Jay please don’t do this, the words comes out in staggers.” I’m crying so hard I can barely speak. “Mom I need this just for the summer. Please mom just for the summer I really need this you and dad don’t need me here. He got his new family and you got the restaurant. Maybe stuff will calm down a little about time I’m back.” I go in her room and sit on the edge of the bed with her and let her cry on my shoulder. “Mama I love you, I really do but so much has happen. I need some time away.” She shakes her head yes. I hug her and cry on her lap.
I fall asleep hearing voices far away downstairs. When I wake up I hear her on the phone her voice is still cracked from all the crying she did. “Yea Margaret she wants to stay with you over the summer. I know I should have never put this all on her. I know Margaret. I’ll get her a plane ticket next week and she’ll be on her way. Ok, love you too. Bye.” I sat up on the bed mom looks over at me her eyes is still red. She smiles weakly and says, “I’m about to go downstairs to make tea Rebecca is coming over to talk. I nod my head at her and go to my room. I close my door and lay back on my bed. I know in a little while I’ll be able to hear. I get up and go open my balcony to my room and walk down the stairs from my balcony. I look at the beach I know I don’t need to be going over there this late so I walk back up the balcony. When I get to my room I hear Rebecca’s voice carry through the vents. She tries to comfort mom. “Jazmine you know she is going through a stage in her life. It’s normal at her age. She will be back to normal and no time. Just let her go clear her mind over the summer with your sister.” Know I hear mom voice carrying through the vent. “Becca I don’t think this is a stage in her life. I think she is really hurt. I and Mark just never paid attention to it. Now we can’t help her because it’s serious. Margaret though will help her through this. She helped me when I ended up pregnant and I had to end up getting an abortion she was there through all of it. If she could help me I know she’ll be able to help Jayla.” I block their voices out I don’t want to hear no more talking. I take my journal and start writing in it.

Dear Diary,
I think I scared my mom today. I know that I shouldn’t run away from my problems but they just keep coming. I’m tired and I just want to be there with Aunt Margaret. It’s not just the divorce it’s how I get treated. I always have these bad flashes of when I was gone with my friend Tia we went partying. Anyways everything is complicated around here I just want to get away for awhile just to be alone. A new place, new things, and new people. Everything will be better.


I lay in my bed in close my eyes. Mom comes in and shakes me. “Sweetie are you hungry?” I shake my head no. “Well even if your not should at least try to eat something.” I sit up on my bed and stare at her for a minute. “Mom I’m not hungry and I don’t want to eat. You think food solves everything it doesn’t.” She sighs, “Well you haven’t been eating lately and look at how skinny you are. It’s like your anorexic.” I throw my head back on my pillow. “Know I’m an anorexic because I don’t want to eat. Well I probably am food doesn’t help every god damn thing.” Mom looks at me shocked. She slaps me my face is stinging and it feels swollen. I look at her while she goes out my room and slams my door. I felt like screaming but I didn’t I just laid back and my bed. I hear mom downstairs in the kitchen moving glass and plates around. I know I should be sorry but I’m not I just burry my head in my pillow and close my eyes and hum the lullaby grandma use to sing to me when I was little.
I got out of the bed and went downstairs. Mom was sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee and eating dry toast. She looked up at me. “Good Morning Jay, glad you can join me.” I smiled weakly. I sat at the table in poured orange juice. I didn’t say nothing I just slowly drunk my orange juice. “Jay, mom said breaking the silence. I’m worried about you not eating. Look at how skinny you are its really scaring me and when you do eat you only eat a little.” I just looked at her. I couldn’t say nothing I wanted to but the words wouldn’t come out. “Oh my gosh now you’re mute.” She go up from the table and left me sitting there looking dumb founded. I got up from the kitchen table and went out the back door and ran until I reached the beach. I lay on the sand and looked at the people laughing with their family. I knew once mom found out that I left she would freak out but I didn’t care. I feel asleep on the beach when I woke up it was dark. I got up and started running.
I open the door as quietly as I could. Mom was sitting in the chair in the living room sleep with the phone in her hand. I quietly tip toed up the stairs. I went to my bed and lay down. I put my iPod on and listened to music. I was falling asleep and mom slammed my door. I jumped up and got out of bed. I opened my door mom was standing right beside the door frame. “JAYLA where the hell have you been, I’ve been worried sick. Giving somebody fucking heart attacks having me call your father. This shit is definitely not funny you better start answering some questions.” “Mom I’m sorry I went to the beach and I fell asleep there. I woke up and I knew you were going to be mad so I didn’t wake you up.” Mom couldn’t even look me in the eye. “Jayla pack your bags, you’re about to go stay with Margaret for awhile. You’ll be leaving tomorrow.” I just nodded my head and went in my room to start packing my clothes. I wasn’t happy that I was leaving with all this in the air but it was nothing I could do about it. I went to lie back down.
In the morning mom woke me up to go downstairs with her and have breakfast. I got up I wasn’t hungry but I forced myself to eat anyways. We sat at the table in silence the only thing you could hear was our forks moving on the plate. When I got done eating mom was ready to drive to the air port. “Baby your daddy will meet us at the air port so go get your bags and make sure you got everything that you need.” I run upstairs and look over everything and make sure I’m not forgetting anything and I got my bags and went downstairs. Mama was already getting ready to go to the car. I followed her out the door and threw my bags in the trunk.
When we got to the air port daddy was already there sitting in his car. He got out when he seen us and came to the car to get my bags. “Hey sweetie, I hope you enjoy your trip to your Aunt’s Margaret.” I just nodded my head at daddy and smiled. We went inside daddy and mama both gave me hug and a hundred dollars each. “Well honey, I’m going to miss you I hope you have fun. Don’t forget to call me every night or at least every other day.” “Ok, I’ll call you every other day, mama. Thanks for letting me go.” They were announcing my plane I hugged them again and I walked away from them. I got on the plane and took a seat, another guy that looked my age sat right beside me. “Hey, I hope it’s alright if I sit right here.” I shook my head. “No it’s ok,” I put my iPod on and start listening to my music. “Hey is that Paramore?” I smiled, “Yeah it is this is my favorite band. If you want me to turn it down I can.” “No, I like Paramore there my favorite band too.” “Oh cool, if you don’t mind me asking where you about to go?” “Oh I’m going to Missouri, Saint Louis.” I start laughing, “Oh cool that’s where I’m going. That is such a coincidence. I’m going to spend the summer with my aunt though.” I stopped talking and sat back a lady came over with a tray and a note. It was from my mom and she was talking about how she knows that I’m not eating and something must be wrong I must becoming anorexic. So I just took a fork full of the spaghetti on my plate. “Are you sick, that’s all you’re going to eat? I didn’t mean to be noisy but I read the note. Are you anorexic?” “No I’m not, why does everybody think I’m sick because I don’t eat? Actually I don’t know if I’m anorexic it’s like I try to make myself eat but I just can’t. Yeah I know it’s seriously something wrong with me.” “No its not, you just don’t know why you can’t eat people go through stuff all time. Just please try to eat I don’t want you to fall out or anything.” I smiled and tried to eat the spaghetti. “What is your name?” He laughed, “Oh we never did introduce ourselves my name is Dylan.” “Mines is Jayla, nice original name.” I ate all the spaghetti and Dylan laid back on the seat. I just took out my notebook and wrote and doodled.

Chapter 2

We finally made it to Arkansas. We got off the plane. I waved bye to Dylan. “Oh Dylan, don’t forget to call me we can do something together.” “Yeah I won’t.” I saw Aunt Margaret coming towards me. She ran to me and squeezed me, “oh my gosh look how skinny you are. So how are you?” “Hi Aunt Margaret, I’m good and so happy to be here.” She just smiled and starts walking to her little blue car that was a bug it looked just like her. Not literally but it seemed just like the kind of car she would be driving. She lived in a huge house a pretty yard. She was an organization freak. Every book in her house was alphabetized on the wall so you could know where to find it. “Come on now girl, let me show you to your room.” We walked way down the hall. “Ok this is your room, its way down here so you can have your privacy. I’m not the nosey kind of person. So you don’t have to worry about me snooping around in your room a less I start getting suspicious about things. Even then I won’t right away I’ll ask and if it seems like you can’t tell me. Then that’s my last resort of betraying all of your trust.” She let out a big sigh then smiled. “Now girl what have you been eating. It looks like nothing.” I let out a weak smile. “I just haven’t had an appetite for nothing really.” She nodded her head. “Well come on lets go downstairs and fix us a sandwich. Don’t worry all that stress was causing your appetite to disappear.” I smiled at her and we walked down to the kitchen which was absolutely beautiful.
**
After the long day of her helping me unpack all my stuff and getting settled in. I decided to go explore the country side in Louisiana for my first time. It was beautiful her just a small city. Everybody is laidback but I liked it here. I was starting to never want to go back home. Living in the country life is somewhat difficult. It’s not like being on the beach what you’re use to. I like it though it feels more open and it you can think. You can smell the grass instead of smelling the salty water from the beach. You don’t have to worry about the abundance of people coming from a long exciting day from the beach. Even though it still has its ups like going there at night when no one is really there, just clearing your mind not thinking about all those problems that I always have. It’s like you left them before you stepped foot on the beach. I guess I’ll find a new place here where I can clear my head and relax. I was walking through this place that seemed like a back road. When I ran into Dylan who was sitting on this rock throwing pebbles into a pond, he was relaxed. I tapped him on his shoulder and he jumped and turned around. “Hey stranger, you found me. I guess it’s great to be in a small city. It’s not what I’m use to. Being from New York, the big apple, my mom always wanted to stay in a small town.” I smiled and sat by him. “Yea, well staying in Florida by the beach is awesome. We always have a lot people go there for vacation. Miami is pretty busy; people come there all the time. It has a lot of business there. My mom owns a restaurant so she is always busy. I guess that’s part of the reason for me wanting to get away. The other half is because my mom and dad divorced last year. My dad doesn’t have time for me with his new family and all. Of course my mom doesn’t with her restaurant. I’m sorry I’m just going on forever.” “Oh it’s, it’s just nice to have somebody to talk to. I was just sitting here about to go dirt bike riding. You want to come? It should be fun; maybe I can teach a little something.” I rolled my eyes at him. “Whatever maybe I can teach you something. It may not look like it but I have major dirt biking skills. As long as I don’t get hurt and of course don’t forget I can’t break a nail. I just got these done don’t want to have to hurt you.” He starts laughing. “Well come on, so you can show me what you got. The bikes are right in the shed over here.” I couldn’t help but look at him while we were walking to the shed. His pretty blonde hair and blue eyes he is just so sexy. I can’t believe I’m falling for white boy. I mean I’m not racist but how my family acted when my cousin Jaycee fell for this white boy and they got married. “You know what, he says. Cutting my thoughts off. You have pretty eyes they are like this greenish color and don’t take this offensive. I never saw a black girl with pretty eyes like yours.” I smile and look at him. “I was just thinking the same. I mean about your eyes. I love blue eyes, well blue everything. “Well since you like blue you can ride the blue dirt bike. I’ll ride this red one. I get on the bike and put on the helmet. We ride seems like forever me passing him. He passing me, getting up those dirt mounds is so hard. We finally stop, “I guess that’s enough and you’re pretty good at riding. For you to be a starter and everything you did really well. It was funny though when you got stuck at the hill. I roll my eyes at him, “Yea whatever, you know what you are pretty mean for somebody who looks so nice.” He cocks his head to the side. “Is that right, do you mean I’m sexy?” I start laughing so hard that I couldn’t stop. “Know your trying to get conceited on me. Yes you’re sexy if that helps with your humongous head.” He stood up and front of me now. “I don’t have a huge head I thought it was pretty normal. Is it really that big gosh I need help fast if that’s right? I mean how I’m going to show my beautiful body to anybody with a huge head like George Lopez.” We both start laughing really hard. “You know you’re pretty sexy yourself. I mean how can you be single, if I’m guessing right.” “Yea you’re guessing right, I’m single and it’s a reason for that I’m pretty picky choosing dudes. I have certain standard that needs to be met. People call me boogie but you can call me anything you want.” I gave him a weak smile. “Well why are you single. I mean I’m just taking a wild guess right here.” He takes a loud sigh and gathers rocks in his hand. “Yea I am I had a bad break up with my girlfriend and every since then I can’t find myself to date anybody else. I guess I’m just I’m still stuck or my heart is still with her. I just want to find that right someone. Not just dating anybody like most guys does. Also its good that you have high standards at least you’re not settling for less. Maybe you’ll find the exact person one day. Maybe that person will be.” He gives me this flirtatious smile. “Thanks, finally somebody agrees with me. I’m not trying to be nosey but why did you and your ex breakup?” “She cheated on me with one of my friends I lost a friend and the girl I love. I guess I suppose to its no way she could be forgiven for him.” “Well maybe you’re wrong about the forgiveness part. I mean did she tell you herself or did you have to find out for yourself?” “She told me herself. I should be glad that at least she told me that.” “Well yea you should be because it would’ve been worse if somebody else told you. Gosh its already getting dark I guess I should get going for my aunt start worrying were I’m at. I’ll see you around maybe we can meet up here again later this week. Bye.” I didn’t give him time to say bye before I start running down the hill to the house.
Aunt Margaret was sitting in the living room by the lamp reading in her antique chair. I walk into the living room and sit on the couch. “Hey Aunt Margaret, I’m sorry for coming in this late.” “Oh honey, don’t worry about it I was just sitting here reading my bible. You know what those Jehovah Witnesses came to my door and I have a copy of their bible. I was reading a little bit of it.” “Oh that’s cool, mama always tells me to tell them we have our own religion and don’t want to be bothered” “Well girl you can’t be sending people off with the message of God. Especially them they’re extremely nice and you never know what they may teach may catch your eye. You should take some time and at least give them a chance. I’m not saying you have to become one of those people. I’m not even one, not planning to either but they’re nice people and so respectful and downright truthful about what they believe in.” “Yea I guess your right they never have been rude. They just seem strange I mean we’re not very religious but mama told me that you use to go to church a lot. What happened with that?” “I’ll tell you about that another time. What have you been up to? I know you don’t know you don’t that much about this town.” “I was hanging with this dude name Dylan. It’s so ironic we met each other on the plane and he was coming to the same place. We were dirt bike riding and just talking and hanging by this pond. Not far from here.” “Oh he comes here every summer to spend time with his father. He wants to move with him but that mother of his won’t let him. He’s nice boy I’m glad you have someone to hang with while you’re here.” She looked like she wanted to ask me something but she just got up and went upstairs. I went to my room and lay in bed looking at how clear the sky was this night. The stars just shined so pretty and before I notice I was dreaming of being backed home. Replaying that night of the party back in my dreams where I couldn’t escape them. I woke up and a sweat so I walked down stairs to get me some water.
The next morning Aunt Margaret was already up cooking breakfast. You could smell the sweet aroma of the eggs and sausage flowing up the stairs. So I took off my scarf and brushed it out and walked down the stairs. I sat at the table with Aunt Margaret back toward my face. “How did you sleep Jay, I know that bed sleeps real well.” “I slept really well and you’re right that bed it does sleep
Well. I slept like a little baby.” We both start laughing. “Well that’s good that you slept well. Do you want some sausage and biscuit for breakfast?” “Yes maim, and thank you I could’ve of got up and cooked myself.” “Child I’ll always be up way before you a less I’m absolutely exhausted or sick. As long as I’m up before you I’ll cook breakfast but what you can do for me is after we eat you can wash these dishes. Then take your shower because we’re going to help my friend out at her farm. “Yes’em what will we be doing on this farm of hers.” “We’ll be milking cows, feeding chickens, and brushing the horses.” I start beaming with excitement. “Oh my gods are you for real I love horses. I’m going to enjoy this. Also this may sound silly but I always wanted to milk a cow.” Aunt Margaret starts laughing so hard that tears are coming down her face. “Wow girl you really can crack somebody up.” We eat and talk about little things. Then I think about my mom. I guess I’ll call her later when we get back in the house. I wash dishes while Aunt Margaret is getting ready. Then I go take a quick shower and get ready. I put some of my beige shorts on with a purple aeropostle shirt with it and my white flip flops.
We get to the farm she has a daughter that’s sixteen. She shows how to milk a cow. It felt so weird but it was very interesting. We chased the chicken I thought it was hilarious because I fell like twenty times. Ali and I then went to horses so we could brush them. “You seem like you like it here.” “Yes I do it’s not as busy as Miami, it’s more peaceful and its pretty fun here. I don’t hang with as many people home.” “Oh well I wish I could I go to Miami. She flashed me a quick smile. Anyways yea I guess it is pretty peaceful here in this small town everybody knows everybody and if you do one thing wrong you’ll be the talk of the town. I don’t hang with many people either. I guess I’m too busy helping my mom with my two twin sisters every since my dad just left one day. Haven’t heard or seen from his since. She stopped and looked at me. I don’t know why but you seem easy to talk to.” I smiled at her, “Well I love making new friends.” Then we were getting wet with the water hose. The time went by so fast Aunt Margaret was coming out to tell me that we’ll be leaving in a little bit. “How about tomorrow we doing something together, I mean if you’re not busy with anything, Ali said.” “No that would be awesome maybe we could go see a movie and then have like a little slumber party.” “Yea that sounds great, I’m an early bird so I’ll call you when I think you’re up and get stuff straightened out with my mom. I’m sure she won’t mind at all. I’ll call you around tenish if that’s ok with you?” “Yea that sounds good I’ll be up. I’ll talk to my aunt. Well I’ll see you tomorrow.” Aunt Margaret was beeping her horn like a maniac so I ran to the car. “I’m sorry Ali and I was planning something for tomorrow.” Aunt Margaret looked delighted at that. “You seem to make friends easily here. What are ya‘ll planning to do tomorrow. Her mom been wanting her to hang out with people her age every since her dad ran off and left them. That no good sucker if I ever see him I’m going to shoot him and blow him off the face of the earth. I can’t believe somebody just can pick up and leave their family like that.” “Yea that sounds terrible but we’re planning to go to the movies and I was wondering can she spend the night with us tomorrow?” “Yes she surely can as long as it’s ok with her mother but I’m sure it is.” We rode to Wal- Mart to get a rotisserie chicken and some rolls to eat for dinner. “I’ll order pizza for ya’ll tomorrow and ya’ll can go to the store and load up on junk food.” “This is my first time really having like a little slumber party. So this should be fun.” She shook her head, “I can’t believe your mom never let you have slumber parties. She had them all the time when she was growing up they’ll do each other nails and hair and giggle until they fall asleep and talked about boys. Which your mom never lacked in that field of finding it was always the type of men she choose to led me to yell and try to lead her in the right direction. She always had her own mind though she is so stubborn just like our father and a know it all. She’s always been very ambitious though and that’s one thing I’m glad she had she never had to depend on anybody financially. You’re not totally like her but this summer maybe you’ll discover some things out that you never knew about yourself. You look so much like her but it seems like you have a different aspect on life.” I smile at my aunt not just because she doesn’t compare how we act even though we do look alike she doesn’t say you act just like your mother like everybody else tells me. I also smile because some of this my mother would never discuss with me it’s like she spends time keeping her childhood and anything else from me that she doesn’t think will fit in our life. Everything she has told me hasn’t been much and I always wonder why she tries to be so secretive about her childhood. I want to ask Aunt Margaret about but I figure it’s not the best time so I’ll wait later. Like she said later on in this summer I’ll discover more about me that I never even knew about myself or I knew it but didn’t really pay attention to. We got to the house and warmed the rolls up. The chicken was still hot, so we got the plates out and ate and complete silence. “Well you should go to bed, since your spending your day with Ali.” She smiled and was on her way up the stairs. I didn’t say anything but put the dishes into the sick and clear off the table in put the food in the refrigerator. Then I went up the stairs and put some of my pajama shorts on with a spaghetti top with my flip flops and eased my way down the stairs to the back door. Then I walked along the stream of water. I heard some footsteps behind me. I was getting scared. Then I saw him Dylan his shaggy blonde hair was smiling at me. “You should be ashamed of yourself for scaring people like that.” He was laughing, “This isn’t funny I thought you were some kind of killer.” “Well now you know I’m not. What are you doing out here this late anyways. You should be in the house sleep.” “Well at home I always came out at night to go to the beach when no one was there or it was less crowded however way you look at it. I guess I’m just looking for the same contentment as at home.” “Uh huh I see that, well I just like walking out here at night the sky is so clear. In New York the sky isn’t clear as this. So at least when I’m here the stars you’re able to see and it’s just so pretty.” “Yea stars are pretty they make everything seem to just fade away as you look at them.” I stopped and looked at him. He was looking at the sky like he was dazed off. He didn’t look like the Dylan I met on the plane. The one I met on the plane seems to be a different person then the one I’m standing to now. He interrupted my thoughts, “hey do you want to dance. I have a little radio and I don’t know. I just feel like dancing.” “Sure I love dancing, doing ballet for nine years.” He turned the radio on some white song came on I acted like I loved it. I just danced around moving my hips and then I start jumping up and down like a white girl listening to rock and roll. Dylan had moves he was doing some dance I never seen before. Then we both fell to the ground and start laughing. I could hardly breathe. “We should do that again sometimes but not tonight I think I’m exhausted.” “Yea, he said and a gasp. I didn’t know you could move like that.” I propped myself up on my elbows and looked over at him. “Well I love dancing I use to be in a group.” “Well that something we have in common. I got this song I want to get a dance routine to.” I just nodded my head. He turned the radio back on and I heard Ciara voice from the speakers. I got up and he starts dancing. I looked shocked I know it was all over my face. I didn’t think he had those kinds of moves. Then he starts dancing around me and I was watching him in awe. “Show me what you really have little Mrs. Jayla.” “I rolled my eyes at him and said not tonight.” He sat down beside me on the grass we just listened to music and talked. “Well I better get going I’m having my first slumber party tomorrow.” He looked shocked, “For real, I mean I thought girls had slumber parties all the time.” “Well my mom is a little untraditional but that’s another story to talk about some other time. I’ll probably bring Ali around here tomorrow to meet you.” He nodded his head and I waved bye at him and start walking back to the house. I went into the house through the back door and went to my room and lay down.
The sun was so bright when I woke up. I could hardly open my eyes. I could hear pots and pans getting moved down the stairs. I got up and walked into the kitchen where Aunt Margaret was just about to start cooking. She had biscuits on the table so I was picking at one of them. “Good Morning, Aunt Margaret.” “Hey you’re up early for you to be taking night walks.” I felt bad for not telling her that I went out so I put my head down. “I’m sorry for not asking I just thought it’ll be ok.” “No honey, don’t worry about it. I don’t care that you go take walks or what time you go as long as you’re moderate about it and don’t be getting pregnant during your stay here. I know your mom would love to blame me for something like that.” I could feel myself getting embarrassed just of the thought of that. “I’m not I promise. I just love going to take walks at night.” She just nodded her head while whisking the eggs and milk together in the bowl. “I hope you like scrambled eggs with cheese.” I smiled at her, “Oh yes’ maim I love them you can even add extra cheese. You know what I was just thinking about. How come we stopped visiting you a couple years before the divorce? I mean mom use to love coming down here until that night I heard ya’ll arguing.” She turned around and put her hands on her hip and looked at me. “Child doesn’t worry about that. I mean you’re mother just hated it here and Arkansas she always wanted to be far from me. I guess the only reason why she came down here every summer then. Was because you could know me then I guess after she thought you were old enough to stop those visits they just stopped all together. She always felt like it was my fault for not making our father stay.” She took a long sigh, “I mean I couldn’t do anything about daddy leaving us I was just seventeen. Mama had died by then and your mama was only one then the only thing I could do was get a job and work my tail off. I had to jungle school and raising a one year old who wasn’t my responsibility. She blamed me for a lot.” I looked at Aunt Margaret for awhile before I could say anything else. “She never tells me much. I guess some stuff I wonder about and don’t have anybody to ask but you.” She nodded her head. “Well I’m here for you and I may not be able to tell you everything about your mama or why she did some of the stuff she did. All I can tell you though are she loves you and she try her hardest to do what she think is right.” “I know she loves me. It’s just that…” I take a deep breath. “Have you ever felt that people just deal with you because they have to? I mean love is one thing and like is another. Do you think that somebody can love you without liking you?” She just nodded her head and kept scrambling those eggs in the pan. I didn’t say anything g else I left it like that with that sentence in the air. I guess we’ll get around to it again. The phone starts ringing Aunt Margaret went to go get it. I heard her, “Hello, oh hey Ali. Hold on second here she is. Jay this Ali come and gets the phone.” I got up from the table and went to stand by the wall where the phone hung and she put it in my hand and rubbed my back and walked back to the stove. “Hey Ali so can you come over and go to the movies?” “Hey and yea I can she said it was fine with her as long as I be back by eight o’clock tomorrow night.” “OK what time do you want Aunt Margaret to pick you up?” “She can pick up now, if that’s ok with her.” “Let me ask.” Before I could ask she just nodded her head. “First let us finish breakfast and take showers and everything tell her we’ll be over there around an hour and a half. So be ready.” “Yea Ali she said we’ll be over there after we get done with everything over her. So it’ll be about an hour and a half.” “Ok that’s fine with me. I’ll tell my mom, bye.” Then we hung up. I went back to the table and put eggs and a biscuit on my plate. Aunt Margaret put three sausages on my plate. She sat down and starts putting grape jelly on her biscuit with eggs on it. She glanced up and looked at me. “Well you never put jelly and eggs on a biscuit together or something. You’re giving me that look like wow.” I shook my head no. “No it’s not that mama always said that’s just country and that we shouldn’t do that.” Aunt Margaret just shook her head and start eating it. “Well you should try it. I bet you’ll start doing it for now on.” I start laughing. I start putting the jelly on the biscuit with some of my eggs. I tried it. I fell in love with the taste of it. “This is really good.” Her mouth was full so all she did was nod her head and smile. We ate the rest of our breakfast in silence like we’ve been doing lately. She got up and put her plate in the sink. “Jay, when you get done eating wash dishes please. Then please come upstairs and take you a quick shower because we can go get Ali. I know she is excited about this hardly ever getting to get out of the house.” I stop eating and looked at her. “Is she always that busy helping her mom out with her little twin sisters.” “Yea sometimes you have to leave your teenage or just your youth to do stuff that you really don’t want to do. I’m glad you came maybe she’ll get to do a little more teenage stuff and learn that you can still have fun while being responsible at the same time.” I didn’t say anything just put my dishes in the sink. I watched how Aunt Margaret walked up the stairs comparing her to mama. How the walk and act or very different. I mean mama doesn’t have the same meaning of life as Aunt Margaret and also Aunt Margaret seems way older well that because she is. She never had time to be young and do crazy things like mama got to.
We pulled up in Ali’s yard. Her sisters were outside playing with the water hose. I got out the car and Aunt Margaret was heading to the door she waved at the twins and walked in the house. I walked over there were they were at. One of them put the hose up at my face. “You want to get wet, her little squeaky voice said.” The other one said, “Tia you suppose to be nice to her.” Tia rolled her eyes at the other one, “Whatever Kia do you want to get wet.” Kia and her start chasing each other with the water hose and I walked away as unnoticeable as a possibly could. I walked into the house and Aunt Margaret and Mrs. Harris was sitting at the table. “Hi, Mrs. Harris, where is Ali.” ”Oh hi, Jayla I didn’t see you there she should be in her room go straight down that hall and pass two doors and take a right.” I nodded my head and did what she told me. I knocked on her door I didn’t want to be rude just walking into somebody’s room like that. She opened her door. She had on some shorts with a green and white aeropostle shirt on. “Hey Jay, I didn’t even know you were here. Are we ready to go?” I was looking around her room. “Umm no not yet, Aunt Margaret is sitting at the table talking to your mom. Did you take all the pictures? “Yea I love taking pictures that one thing my dad taught me how to do. We have a dark room in the back of the house. I’ll show it to you if you want to go see it.” “Yea I’ll love too. I never really have been into one before. Is it hard preparing the pictures?” “It’s not hard I’ll show you when we have time sometime. Maybe one day you can spend a night over here and I’ll show you. I usually take pictures of my drawing and crazy unusual stuff.” I kept looking at the pictures I pointed to the one with the green eyes with a tear coming down. “I really like this one it’s cool how you got the eye like that.” “It was easy I took that of one of my friends well my use to be friends. She loved wearing mascara and eyeliner so with that one tear that I got made it even better.” I looked at for a little while longer. “Yea, well we can take your stuff to the car and then go to the dark room if you want?” She handed me like a little overnight bag and she carried her camera and purse and another bag. We walked to the car her sisters were now laying in the sun. Like they were trying to get a tan even though they already had one with their caramelized skin it looked really soft. “Not to be rude but are you and your sisters mixed?” She laughed, “Yea we are, my dad is black and Dominican and Indian and on his mom side Chinese and black. So yea we’re mixed with a lot of stuff. I guess that’s why our skin is so light and we have this long black hair that’s pretty easy to do. Then my mom is white and Puerto Rican. Her mom was white and her dad was Puerto Rican. That’s why she has that tan also. We’re like mutts, our breed is going to have so much heritage it won’t make sense.” “Wow, I never heard of so much mixed together and then all in one.” She laughed at me, “Well you look like you’re mixed. Your skin isn’t like as dark as light skin black people its lighter.” “That’s because I am my dad is white and my mom is black and Indian. I’m surprised I don’t have bad hair like most mixed people.” We both start laughing. “Most people just think I’m half black and white with a little Mexican and I’m not even Mexican. When people meet us they say oh my god your kids have the most beautiful skin but to me we are just mutts with no definite ethnicity.” “We’ll don’t think of yourself as a mutt because I am too even if being biracial is more common for me. I mean people tell me I have pretty skin with the most amazing hair and my mom just smiles. I just think of myself as somebody that doesn’t fit in. I can’t be black because I’m not dark enough I can’t be white because I’m not pale enough. I’m like you a mutt that has nowhere to fit in. That’s one thing we have in common even if it does seem like a bad thing. Sometime the worse things may be the best things in your life.” She smiled at me, “Well I guess Aunt Margaret should be ready to go any minute now because I know I surely am.” We start laughing and Aunt Margaret was walking out the house. She yelled across the yard, “Come on I’m ready now. Once I get started talking to someone I just can’t stop I’m a blubber mouth.” I nodded my head and whispered to Ali, “Yea she really is she can talk for hours if you let her. I guess that’s why I talk so much because my mom and dad are conservative people unlike me.” She gave me this look from across the yard with a smile sneaking up on her face. I smiled back at her innocently. We get in the car I sit in the backseat with Ali. “So Ali is you glad to be out of the house?” “Yes ma’am I hardly ever get a chance to get out of the house with mama working and me having to babysit my two sisters who are a mess, they do the craziest things.” “Yea they do, I can tell just how they we’re acting when I got there.” We all start laughing. I looked over at Aunt Margaret it looked like she was sufficing pain but I ignored it. I looked away when she turned to look at me. “Well I know that Jayla has a lot of stuff for ya’ll planned today. So if you two need anything just ask. I think I’m going to relax today.”
We pulled in the driveway and I seen dylan riding the lawnmower he waved at me. I waved back and Ali waved also. “Oh, I’m sorry that’s my friend I met on the plane his name is Dylan. We’ve been hanging out since I got here.” “You make friends quick I see. I guess you’re one of those outgoing people.” “Not really I guess it’s because I’m in a different place and people can’t hold anything against you here because they don’t know anything about you. It’s like a fresh start.” I start walking in the house she followed behind me. “This is a nice room I see you decorated it with like your personality splashed all over. I use to come over and spend a night with Mrs. Magaret all the time and this is the room I slept in I don’t know but I always liked this room.” “Yea it is a nice room. So what do you want to do first? How about if we go swimming?” “I don’t have a bathing suit though all I brought is clothes.” “I have one you can fit you don’t mind wearing a two piece do you?” she shook her head no then I through her my second favorite bathing suit that was black pink and purple with pooka dots. I wore just my plain white and purple one.
We came in from being at the lake all day and took a shower. “I had fun being at the lake I haven’t did something like that since before my dad left us but that was really fun. I love swimming too.” “Yea I see and you’re a fast swimmer I don’t go swimming a lot I usually just go sit on the beach back at home.” “I would think you go swimming a lot especially since you live in florida.” “Nope I just sit on the beach especially when the sun goes down and I write poems little silly one’s.” “that’s cool I like reading poems writing isn’t my thing.” “come on let’s go walk for a little while.” We left out of the house Aunt Margaret was still sleeping and like always we ran right into Dylan like literarly. Ali was blushing when she ran into him well when we both ran into him. “Hey Dylan, I figured we’ll run into you sometime well not like really running into you.” He laughed, “Well it’s ok I wanted to talk to you anyways.” I gave him this look I didn’t understand why he wanted to talk to me. I should of made it clear on the first day is that I don’t date boys are to much responsibility and I guess he figured I was curious. “Not like that I mean just talking to you is nice and fun. You’re so cool and easy to talk too.” Ali didn’t say nothing that whole minute. She just smiled at him and I could tell she was in a gaze so I finally gave her the elbow. “So what are ya’ll doing out here I seen ya’ll at the lake swimming and goofing around.” This time Ali spoke. “Oh, Jayla just wanted to come and walk.” Then both of there eyes laid on me. I just smiled at both of them. Dylan cleared out his thoart. “umm I think I seen you around here before I come here every summer with my dad.” “Yea I’ve seen you around here I just didn’t know where though.” “That’s cool so do we all want to keep walking or we can sit here on the grass.” We decided to sit on the grass. That day we all became best friends it was one of those memorable moments.

Chapter 3

That week went by so fast. I was always either at Ali’s or hanging with Dylan or we was all with each other. Being here in Arkansas was the best it was also the funest time I’ve had and like forever. Every since the divorce I’ve been uneased with everything. “Jayla have you talked to your mom since you’ve been here?” “umm not really I’ve emailed her a couple times to give her updates on what’s been going on other than that nope. I mean I haven’t even talked to my dad.” “What about your friends?” “What friends? Aunt Margaret, I don’t have any friends well I do now but I don’t there. I use to but people change and you just grow apart. I never really needed friends anyways.” “Girl, why would you say something like that? You always need somebody to help you cope with stuff. It’s like your friends now you, Ali, and Dylan. Ali didn’t have anybody and now she has you and Dylan and it’s the same with Dylan. Don’t be stubborn like your mama and think you can do everything yourself like you don’t need anybody because apparently you do or you wouldn’t be here with me. Am I right or am I just right?” She smiled at me and sat on the edge of the bed. “Sweetie I know the divorce was hard on you it was hard on your mama too. It was hard on everybody but now it’s time for you to get back in the swing of things. Also you need to call your mama I’m sure she miss hearing your voice.” I took sigh and looked out the window holding back tears. My thoart felt tight like I was suffocating. It’s like something just brought this on itself. Then I wiped at my eyes like they we’re irratating me like the sun was making it to hard to see and looked at Aunt Margaret. “Don’t you think she might be busy working. I mean that’s all she ever did when I was there was work she always worked every since I could remember she loves that resturant it’s like it’s her life.” “Yes you’re right that resturant is important her. She chuckles a little, I mean that resturant was your mom’s dream every since she was little she would go in the kitchen with me and say let’s make soul food she loved trying new things experimenting with food. I thought it was a waste I mean I wasn’t working two jobs to bring in food just for us to experiment with it we didn’t have that type of money. I told her that she needed her a resturant. She looked at me in the eye and said that’s what I’m going to do too. She smiled from ear to ear you could tell that what she wanted to do. It’s like that’s all she wanted so once she got out of college she kept saying I’m going to own me a resturant. But that doesn’t mean because she loves cooking and that resturant that she loves you any less she loves you more than anything you’re her life.” “How do you know that? Has she told you? She says she loves me but the happiness she shows me is so less then what it is for her career she spends hours there. She doesn’t even spend hours with me.” Aunt Margaret rubbed my back and left out the room with nothing else said. I laid back on the bed and went to sleep that’s when I start back having those dreams. I was a little girl walking outside to find my mom she was sitting in a chair with dad laughing then I’m me like I am now but this time when I go outside to find her she’s dead. I wake up and I’m sweating. I get up its like so dark I go in the draw find my iPod. I sit on the side of the bed breathing hard. I grab my iPod and my jacket and put on some flip flops and go to the door. When I get to the door I grab the handle and run outside and lay on the grass. I start sobbing uncontrollably and I turn and lay on my stomach my nose is in the grass and I can smell it. I get up and put the earphones in my ear and start walking. A different path I path I never took before. My mind is so crowded I don’t know what I’m doing. I just walk and then I stop and sit down. I see Dylan running I get up but I’m so tired I can’t run. I stop and I want to scream his name but nothing comes out. He sees me, “Hey Jay, always coming out for these late night walks I see.” Nothings coming out it’s like I’m mute or something. I turn away from him and start walking away. He runs and stands in front of me and rubs my shoulder. “Hey, what’s wrong? I never saw you like this before. Do you want me to walk you home?” I shake my head no and keep walking he still walks behind me. Then I yell, “I told you no, know just leave me alone! Okay gosh I don’t need you I don’t need anybody.” I start crying, “Jay what’s wrong this is unlike you did something happen with you and your aunt?” I shake my head, “I had this terrible dream about my mom I had dream that I went to go find her outside in the back yard and she was dead. I haven’t even really talked to my mom since I’ve been here. It’s like I think she’s dead already and I don’t know what I’m so emotional about I would be way better off.” I start sucking in air and we sit and the grass. “Everything’s alright I’m here for you. Just breathe you’ll be fine. You’re mom loves you and I’m sure she’s not dead it was just a dream.” I shook my head, “Why does everybody keep telling me she loves me? How come everybody else believes that except me? Huh?” He doesn’t say nothing just rubs my back and grabs my wrist and pulls me up I stumble a little but he supports me. “Come on I’m not taking you back to Aunt Margaret house just yet. I’ll let you fall asleep on the rocking bench at our house in the back. When we get there he gets his cover from the side of the house and a pillow and I lay there while he just sits there with my feet on his lap and swings us. Until I fall asleep. When I wake up I’m back at Aunt Margaret’s in my bedroom. I sit up and when I look up Aunt Margaret is sitting in a chair at the corner of my room. “Finally girl you’re up, we need to talk. You know I don’t mind you taking night walks but don’t go having these walks when you’re on a verge to a break down. Now Dylan tell me exactly what went on he just said he seen you walking and you start crying uncontrollably and yelling. What is all that about?” “I’m sorry I know I should’ve of stayed in the house but I needed air and I started walking but I didn’t know where I was going I just kept walking and then I seen Dylan but I couldn’t talk the words wouldn’t just come out my throat felt tight and it felt like I couldn’t breathe. Then when I finally could talk I start crying and yelling because he acted like he understood me and he didn’t.” “Ok ok honey just breathe it’s serious but not that serious. You we’re under stress and maybe I shouldn’t never laid that mama stuff on you so hard about the restaurant and her love for you but it’s true.” “How come I don’t see it then if everybody believes it but me?” She shook her head, “that’s what you need to find out. You need to find out why you can’t love her like you want too. Why you keep thinking she doesn’t love you. I’m going to let you go to sleep when you get up I’ll be downstairs or in my room.” I didn’t go back to sleep I took out my notepad and start writing. I only got a couple lines down when somebody start knocking on my door. I opened the door think it was Aunt Margaret trying not to disturb me. It was Ali, “umm hey Ali, when did you get here?” She came in and sat on the bed I sat beside her. “Oh, my mom told me what happened to you earlier so I wanted to spend a night with you and Aunt Margaret told me it was fine. So yea I’m sorry I didn’t ask you but I just thought you needed someone to talk to.” “Oh it’s fine actually it’s a nice surprise. Thanks for caring.” She just smiled, “well what have you been doing?” “I’ve just been sleep and when I woke up Aunt Margaret and I talked and then I start writing.” She starts jumping and bouncing up and down on the bed then she fell on me. “Let me read it. Please! I love you so very much. I’ll even love you more if you let me read it. Reading everything you write is like a special craving for sugar cookies with icing on it and sprinkles yummy.” I start laughing at her, “Girl you super crazy with a capital K.” She rolled her eyes at me, “Whatever or you going to let me read it.” Then she made that puppy dog face. “Umm no because I’m not finish with it and it’s a personal piece.” “Ugh screw all the personal crap everything you write is personal and I can read what you have so far.” I rolled my eyes at her. “Have you drew or took any pictures lately.” She shook her head no. “Of course not I’ve been spending all my time with your crazy tail.” We both start laughing, “I’m not the one that’s crazy.” She stopped and looked at me, “Well who is the one that’s crazy because it sure isn’t me.” “You want to read it you can read everything in about three weeks I promise.” She nodded and sat on my bed. “I’m not forgetting you said that either. Now really tell me what’s wrong with you.” I laid down on my pillow and snuggled close to it so I could smell the shampoo I wash my hair with. “I just feel all depressed because of everything I don’t know I really don’t want to talk about it.” “Well I understand but whenever you need someone to talk too I’m here for you. We all go through things and none of us are perfect.” I smiled at her, “Well thanks I will eventually take you on that offer one of these days but today is not one of them.” She lay back with me and wrapped her arms around me like she was my mom and I hugged her back.
When I wake up its late and Ali is still sleep, I get up and take some clothes to the bathroom to get in the shower. I strip off all the clothes and lay on the cold tile floor before I start running the water. I get in but instead of standing up in the shower I sit in the tub and let the water run down on me. I sit there seems like forever until I hear someone knocking on the bathroom door. “Hey jay, are you okay in there?” I hurry up and turn off the water and get out and wrap a towel around me. I yell out, “Yea I’m fine I’ll be out in a minute.” I grab my clothes and dried off and put on the clothes sloppily. When I go to the room Ali is sitting on the edge of the bed looking really drowsy. “Ali are you okay?” She nods her head I don’t try and press any information out of her. I lay her back down with me and wrap my arms around her. “Everything okay I’m okay you’re okay we’re all okay as long as we have each other. I promise I’ll always be here for you.” We drift back to sleep. I see a lot of colors and I see mom standing in a corner crying. I run to her but every time I get close to her she gets farther from me. I yell out to her but she doesn’t look up at me. Then she gets up and walks toward me I hold my arms out but she walks right pass me. I wake up and look around the room. I’m confused for a second. I never had all these dreams about mama before. I look over to see where Ali is but she isn’t there I get up. I go into the hallway I hear laughing down the stairs. I go into the kitchen and Aunt Margaret and Ali are sitting at the table playing cards. I sit in an empty chair. “Well good morning sleepy head, I thought you were never going to wake up, Aunt Margaret says as she gets up from the table and sits toast in front of me.” I laugh at her, “Good morning everybody, what are ya’ll playing?” Ali takes one of my toasts and I try to hit her hand. She bites into the toast and then says, “Nothing really just messing around and talking. You know we we’re going to play gold fish but me and her start arguing on which way is the right way.” I gasped, “I’m surprise Aunt Margaret didn’t force you to play with her she has her on special version.” I looked over there at her. “We should all play it, it’s going to take you a couple times to get the hang of it but you’ll like it.” Ali looked at us and narrowed her eyes. “I’m up for the challenge.” Aunt Margaret nudged her and I start dealing the cards. Once we start playing our hands we heard a knock at the door since it was Ali’s turn I figured I wasn’t going to miss nothing exciting. So I got up and went to the door. I looked through the peep hole and it was Dylan. I opened the door, “Hey Dylan, what you doing over here.” “Gosh girl you don’t want anybody to come and see you anymore?” Then he pushed me so I would stumble over my feet. I rolled my eyes at him and pushed him back. “No buddy I just missed you that’s it. I haven’t seen you since the night you were such a gentlemen and brought me home which I thank you very much for.” He laughed and put his arms around my shoulder. “No problem jay anything for my new best friend. Now where is the party? Ali texted me a little while ago and said ya’ll where having a feisty game of cards well gold fish.” He chuckled. “So I rushed over here to see Aunt Margaret whoop some tail. I mean we all know that you and Ali are going to lose.” I hit him. “Hush and come on and watch and learn. I’m not the one that’s going to be losing.” We walked into the kitchen and Dylan went over to hit Ali in the head and give Aunt Margaret a hug. “Okay child now move and let me win this game. I’m starting to slip; I thought you said jay that it’ll take her time to catch on is she about to beat me at my own game.” “That can’t be let me step up because you and her will both be losing tonight.” Ali smacked her lips while putting a potato chip in it. That girl is always eating something but she has a small body well almost small with all those hips she got it’s a perfect package though. “Jay I’m the one that’s going to win. I’m not that slow at catching on to anything.”

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 10.08.2010

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