Chapter 1: The day I knew...
Its 10 past 10 and my son Jason had not came home yet. I wasn’t worried because I knew he would be OK, he had been late back all this week. I phoned him and told him if he wasn’t home at 11 he would be grounded and have his phone took of him. “I will be home mom, don’t worry I’ll be OK.”
I sat down and put the TV on all the channels had been corrupted with the news.
“Young man about 17 walking home from the local pub has been stabbed and has been rushed into hospital. His name however is unknown; there hasn’t been any site of witnesses so unfortunately so we cannot conclude what actually happened. “
I felt sorry for whose ever child that might have been. At this point I had no recollection of this actually being my 17 year old son.
“Hello, you are watching channel one news. You are here with Lauren Calvin and Robert Suffer who are at the crime scene right now live.” ” Over to you Lauren.”
“Thank you John, Hello I am here at abbey road with Robert suffer “. I thought to myself well that isn’t far from where we lived. May be Jason will know who it was. So I picked up my phone and began phoning him. Then on the TV everyone went silent and I could hear a phone in the back ground going off. The TV reporter looked back at the camera and started talking again.
“The victim’s phone is ringing, one of the police is just about the answer it, and maybe it will be someone who knew the poor child.”
Suddenly then someone answered my sons phone. I started speaking promptly “hello, are you nearly home? You never guess what, I am watching channel one news and there’s this kid who...”

I stopped when I saw a man walking towards another police with a phone in his hand. He started whispering into his ear, the man’s face seemed to have dropped and he looked straight at the camera. That’s when I knew it was my 17 year old child. My Jason, I had been trying to pretend it wasn’t but I knew now for certain.

I couldn’t cry I couldn’t close my eyes. My heart didn’t feel like it was beating but it was, it was beating like a drum. I didn’t know how to feel inside. I felt num and completely dead.

Then the TV seemed to scream at me when they mentioned that the person on the phone was the worried mother of the lad trying to ask when he is coming home.
At this point I threw the remote at the TV in anger and switched it off.

I looked out the window, I still felt num. It was raining but I didn’t care I grabbed the door handle opened the door and began running. Leaving the door open with my shoes and coat inside I didn’t look back.
I kept running and running. I couldn’t feel the rain or the cold. It was as if the rain was my tears.

I finally came to abbey road it was crowded and full of police and cars. There were People outside trying to get a good look of the dead body. I stopped and looked around. There in front of me behind an ambulance was a body I could only see the hand above the head but I knew that must of been the body.
I started walking slowly toward the body, People shouting me and calling me I blanked completely from my head. It seemed like it was quiet with people just jumping and getting all excited about something.

I stood about 20cm away from the ambulance when a man took my hand and guided me to the stiff body. I closed my eyes breathed in and looked.

There in front of me was Jason dead, cold and wet. I dropped to the ground cutting my knees, cradling my baby crying as hard as I could possibly cry. Thoughts going through my head, stupid boy you should have came home you shouldn’t have gone out today I should have been a proper mom and grounded you when you came home yesterday. It’s my fault I’m a pathetic mom it should have been me!

The man who helped me took my hand once more and lifted me up. “No, it’s not your fault.”
I looked into his eyes, he was crying. How did he know what I was thinking?

I looked at my son’s face, his eyes were open and he looked as if he was looking at me. I Bent down and closed his eye lids with my fingers.


Chapter 2: The next day...


Opening my eyes the next day was a mistake. Everything that happened yesterday flew back to me all at once. Feeling num still I got dressed and walked down stairs. Nobody in the family phoned or contacted me in any way not even my mother. They might not have known but remembering that the whole TV channels were corrupted by the news last night, one of them must have known. I didn’t want a phone call anyway it would have just made me angry with them.

I looked out the window trying to remember how I got home last night but it was useless I just couldn’t think straight. My head was filled with everything from yesterday.

I looked at my knees, they was cut and dirty with blood all over them. I looked at my hands. They were also covered in blood, but this blood wasn’t my own, it was Jason’s. I ran into the kitchen turned on the tap and started scrubbing my hands with hot water and washing up liquid.
I then walked into the living room and turned the news on, they was still speaking about last night and about me and Jason. They mentioned me running down the road and cradling my son. But it was all too much so I turned the TV of and grabbed my coat and shoes and went out the door.
Outside my house was loads and loads of teenagers, they was holding the caps by their chests and looking down at the floor.

I recognized some of them from the block, they was close friends of Jason’s. Some of them was crying and hugging each other, and some of them looked guilty and scared.
I turned a blind eye at them and carried on walking down the road.

The whole road was covered with people trying to feel sorry for me. I didn’t want them to feel sorry for me, I didn’t want sympathy I wanted Jason. None of them could give me that so why should I stop and thank them?


I could see bare foot print’s in the dirt from when I ran down the road yesterday. I could see the police car that was there yesterday and I could see the man who answered Jason’s phone to me and the man who helped me yesterday.
All of them noticed me walking towards them. I didn’t know why I came down here but I just wanted to. The man who helped me yesterday walked towards me , trying to put me of from looking at Jason's death bed. I couldn’t help but stare .
“ Come here, Are you OK ?”
I answered “ Of course I'm not OK , would you be OK if you found out your son died yesterday ?”
That was a rhetorical question but he answered anyway
“ I Know how you feel “
“ HOW WOULD YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ?. YOU HAVEN'T LOST YOUR CHILD!" i didn't mean to shout i just did.
he looked at me as if i was a child " Yes i have."
He didn't seem upset or angry in fact he didn't even look sorry. He just looked fine , just fine.
of course i had nothing to say to that and we just looked at each other.
my phone started to ring. I focused on the screen , it said mom ringing. I pressed answer and put the phone slowly to my ear. "Hello" i said without any kind of personality.
"Hello baby , i heard what happened" she began crying " I'm so sorry for you , i don't know what to say. Do you need me to come down to you?"
There was a pause. i kept thinking about what i am going to tell the family. "no" that's all i could say.
"Ok sweetheart, i love you I'm here if you need me baby don't be a stranger Ok?"
"Ok" i didn't sound like i had a personality like i had no feelings but she seemed to understand. "bye love you" she said quickly
"bye mom " i answered.
after the conversation i looked up away from the phone and the man still stood in front of me.
"what's your name?" he asked me.
" Carol Moore , yours ?" i replied
" Nathan Donal" He said smiling.
" Look I've got to go bye" i said very quickly
he did answer but i just walked away.

I was coming off abbey road now and i felt num still. was this numbness ever going to go away i thought. Suddenly Nathan was behind me.
"Yes the numbness does go away , the regret and sadness doesn't.
How does he know what i think ?
I looked into his eyes again and i could see regret and sadness.may be he's right.

i turned round as i was at the end of the road and started walking towards home. He was following me back to the crime scene area. Of course it was all sealed of but he could get in , maybe he has a close friend that's a police officer.

" DON'T FOLLOW ME , JUST GO AWAY please." i started to cry . He hugged me tightly and walked me home.

Chapter 3: the funeral

Impressum

Texte: " I forgive my son's killers , but I will never forgive the crime"
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 17.04.2011

Alle Rechte vorbehalten

Widmung:
This is for those people who have lost a family member due to crime. This is also for my sister for showing me the site and making me realise reading and writing is good for me. This is also for my mom who doesn't think I will ever even try to write a story .