Introduction and explanation why this will be late

Hello everyone, I am twenty one years old. And I will be writing something that personally affects me. The subject of my father, and why it hurts me so bad and how it caused for me. 

Twenty one years ago I was born to a man named Justin Cole hale. For a little while, he was an a amazing man and a great father. Until he met the other woman. When I was little, he met and moved a new woman into the apartment me and my mother also lived in. He don't know the pain he brought me and my mother but I hope he feels the same pain. Even though I want him to live his best life, even if it means I will never truly know him.

One day, he and his mistress left and he didn't even say goodbye. That was the last time I had seen him in person, the last time I had talked to him was around five years old. He called me and after chatting, I cried my eyes out begging for him to come back. But as you all know, of anyone is reading this, that never happened. 

I'm sorry to say this, but my memories of my childhood are fading. So even when it has the risk of me not being able to write enough to show everyone the pain I go through when he is brought up.

Disclaimer: IM NOT SAYING EVERYONE IS ASKING ABOUT HIM. BUT I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO HAVE THAT PAIN WASH OVER ME AGAIN AND AGAIN.

With that out of the way, I hope you all see this and understand or somewhat have an idea on how to treat this matter in the future. 

In these next chapters (they may be detailed or not, we will see.) I will explain the good and bad affects on me. And I will tell how it also screwed me up at some points of my life but how it also helped me in others.

Now, you all sit back. Relax and come with me on a journey of pain and anger and trust breaking. Yes it did cause me to not be able to trust people, but later on I will expand on this.

How it negatively affected me

 These are all the way it had affected me:

(But this is a warning, if anyone thinks I am making it up. Stop reading and read something else because you don't know what I went through. But if you don't think I'm making it up, thank you for not judging me.)

Reason number one: it makes me scared 9f my own partners, male or female, will cheat on me. Even if they re assure me that they won't. 

The pain of him splitting up our family screws up my relationships and makes me clingy to any person I am with out of fear. But if your reading this baby, please don't think I don't trust you I trust you one hundred percent it's other women I don't trust and it's for this reason, so this is why I am also uncomfortable with strange people who try to be flirty with me.

 

Reason number two: it gave me abandonment issues. Because of a mistake of a stupid and blind man, I am terrified of being rejected or being rejected. 

 

Reason number three: it made me clingy. Because of what my father did every coy that tells me that they have doubts about the relationship, I get paranoid and I start constantly asked what did I do and what I can do unless I'm the one who's deciding to leave.

 

Reason number four: I cannot trust new people because of what he did. Some of you may think it it pathetic but it's true. Because of my deadbeat dad, I can't trust and open up to new people. 

Here are some good things

 Now this one may be short and I'm sorry but I really am trying my best. 

Number one: it made me more attracted to older, bigger bodied men, especially father figures. 

Number two: it helps me protect myself from men that I don't have a good feeling about. Since I'm closed off empirically to new people, whenever I have a bad feeling about someone. The closed off part of me makes sure I get out of the situation completely and safely. I know that for some people, this sounds weird. But I wish you could understand that this makes sense to be. 

Number three: if I am going through a break up, it helps me get over the person easier. Even if I was madly in love with the person, it will just take a shorter time for me to move on. This doesn't mean I'm sluty but it does mean I do find relationships quicker then most people. 

Why it took me so long to forgive him

 It took me a while to forgive him to get over all of the pain and hatred. But it is still progress. These past few months I have often said to myself 'yes he made some choices but he's human. I should move on. He's not coming back.' and I had been listening to music.

So as I start calming down less anger I feel towards him. Even though I will still have some anger towards him. But that's just me. He hurt me and I will never forgive him for that. But I can forgive him for the mistakes he made in his life.

And I will steer away from the subject for a bit but everyone hear me out, please even if your partner or parent or siblings have made mistakes. Please forgive them, it's not worth it holding the anger in when there's nothing to do to be able to stop feeling that way. But I know people do stuff that are unforgivable, I beg you. Please forgive everyone in your life that made mistakes. Trust me, you will feel so much better and your life will get so much better. 

Why it took me longer to write this

 Ok, I have an confession. I am a hypocrite. Because when I was younger, I wanted my dad to feel the pain and anger that I had felt. I wanted him to drop dead. But now that I am older and wiser,I hope he has a great life filled with happiness. 

And I now wanted to write this, hoping he would see it but I doubt that, to show people that everyone can change. And I truly hope he is happy with the decisions that he's made. 

And though he may be my father by blood, that he is no longer my family. He stopped being my family when he left to be with that woman. I also wanna say one thing, dad if your seeing this, if you start a family. Please be there for the child, not only it will help you grow up as a adult but it will somewhat save the child from bullying. 

No child deserve to be fatherless. And I hope you have learned to love your family. 

Things I would say or ask if I could meet him

 1) why did you leave?

2) even though you are a dead beat dad, you are still human. 

3) thanks for the fucking curly brown hair.

4) unless you want a relationship with me and are willing to put in the work, please don't track me down and if I'm getting married please don't crash the wedding.

5) if I have kids, you may be their grandfather, I never want you to meet them. 

6) you may feel regret not being a part of your grandkids life, but I won't regret cutting a man out of my life who didn't want to be in it when I needed him. 

7) I may not have kids now, but when I do have kids. I will always be better then you and never leave them. No matter what.

8) I will become a success in my passion. And if you stayed, you would've known it was writing. 

9) Wasn't I good enough for you to stay around?

Hear me out

 Now this I want to say, every family is not the same. Some are great and happy. And others are broken, but I beg all of you to enjoy the time you have together. You never know who leaves that will come back so don't let small things get to you in your family. 

I learned this lesson much too late and I want to pass this message along to all of you. So you don't make the same mistakes I made. 

Cause trust me, holidays feel more lonely. Those amazing moments in life will be a passing memory if you don't have your family and friends around. 

 

Thank you for listening.

 Thank you all for taking the time to see my story and to see how I felt and how I am now. Now, please don't be upset or rude to your families. Remember you aren't able to choose your family like you are able to choose your friends. 

So please, treat your family with respect. You only get one during your life.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 07.08.2022

Alle Rechte vorbehalten