Chapter One: And that’s when it began…
Everything just stopped, for weeks. No, for months I was living my perfect life. Saying goodbye to reality and welcoming the new improved fantasy world that had my every dream. And my every nightmare.

"Everything is determined, the beginning as well as the end, by forces over which we have no control. It is determined for insects as well as for the stars. Human beings, vegetables or cosmic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper."
-Albert Einstein

I just moved to Charlottesville, Virginia. My mother is English, and my father’s half English, half Japanese (Basically I look English, but inherited the olive skin and dark brown hair). The new house we moved into was huge, and when I say huge, I mean HUGE. There were 5 bedrooms. 5. That’s 3 more than we needed. The bedroom I adopted was painted periwinkle blue. Ergh. It was like the sky had swallowed me up; I was waiting for the candy floss clouds and fluffy bunnies. I inspected the room, a large open bay window with a seat and battered red velvet cushions, a giant mirror opposite my 4 post bed (because that’s the first thing I want to see in the morning) and a little set of stairs building up to a cupboard. Sighing, I took a seat by the window, plugged in my headphones; put the volume on full blast, waiting for the fluffy bunnies.
“Amiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…” somehow my mother’s voiced seemed to break through the barrier that Silverstein belted through the headphones. What could she possibly want now…?
“Stop dazing and unpack these boxes!” her perfectly shaped figure rammed through my doorway and into my eyesight.
“For god’s sake girl could you at least…” I let her voice drone on as I turned the volume down. It was at that point I noticed what my mother was wearing. Typical of my mother, a red tight fitting jumper, a tartan mini skirt, red tights and high heel boots that had a leather butterfly imprinted on the front. It amused me, the sluttiness of my own flesh and blood and it showed as a small smile crept across my face. “And just what are you smiling at?” you could tell she was annoyed, and it annoyed her even more as a small giggle erupted from my lips. “Arghhh, whatever, just make sure you unpack these boxes!” and with that, she turned and slammed the door on her way out. Finally, I let my breath circulate around the room while throwing my iPod down on the window seat. Forcing myself to stand, I glanced out the window at the tall oak tree that stood looming beside the house. Maybe, just maybe I can like it here.
I was placing books on a shelf when my father popped his head round my door.
“Amii...” he smiled angelically as he came up from behind and pinched my cheeks. “Our new neighbors are here, they’ve come round to say hi…” I knew where this was going.
“I’ll be down in a minute,” his smile grew wider as he turned and ran out the door. So who were the new neighbors going to be? Old and wrinkly? Or the couple that just married? Well I was about to find out. I ran my fingers down the walls, as if to mark my territory, I then came to the stairwell and started to make my descent. And there he was.

Crap. CRAP. What was I supposed to do? Damn it. Why now, why when I don’t check in the mirror, does something like this happen? I ran my fingers along my mangled plats as I made my way down the stairs. Suddenly my lacey trimmed top, grey jeans and multicolored socks didn’t seem so cool. I sucked in my breath and glanced around the room (avoiding looking in a certain someone’s direction) “Hey...” I let my breath escape through my lips. His hair was a muffled chocolate brown, long enough that it was covering his forehead, but not so that it was too long. His eyes were bright blue, reflecting the exact colour of the newly laid carpet. He looked like he’d just climbed out of bed, but in an, I know I look cool anyway sort of way. “Oh Ami, nice of you to join us!” my mother stuck me a hard glare as she waltzed past from out of the kitchen. (And for some reason) that made me giggle. There’s something about my mum that always makes me giggle, it might be the fact that my mother’s incredibly hard to take seriously, but any mother would be, if she was dressed the way my mother was.
“Is something amusing Ami?” my father, looking genuinely confused. Bless his cotton socks. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the guy looking at me. When he realized I’d caught him, he stared straight at the ground. Strange.
“Hi, I’m Belinda, this is Darren, Yuiki and Tsukune,” she pointed at the boy who was closely inspecting the floor. Belinda extended her hand. I took it.
“Ami,” one word, simple and polite. We went on making polite convocation for about the next hour or so, until they finally decided to leave.
“Well I see no need to intrude on your lovely home any longer, we’ll take our leave,"
”Nice meeting you,” I smiled my award winning smile and waved to them as they left the house. Once more, crap.

Chapter Two: School Term Starts…

“As my mother used to say: "Mimic a duck act calm and unruffled on the surface; but paddle like crazy underneath." -Anonymous

I turned on my multicoloured feet and ran up the stairs. “Ami, where you going?” dad yelled up the stairs. I didn’t reply, I thought it was kind of obvious as to where I was going. Good Golly Gosh Ami, what have you got yourself into? School started tomorrow (atleast for me anyway). Sophomore year. That sounded weird. I had a vague idea of what some of the lessons entitled, but some I had never heard of in my life. I guess I’ll find out tomorrow though. I couldn’t help myself from wondering, where Tsukune went to school, he looked sort of intelligent. He could surprise me though, be on the football team and what not…but footballs soccer and football here is rugby? Is it? Who knows? My computer screen aloominated itself from across the room. I sighed; I wasn’t ready to talk to my friends from England yet. I missed them, I missed them greatly, but I just, just wasn’t ready yet. However, curiosity got the better of me and I made my way across my bedroom to the computer.
“Be good and remember to enjoy yourself,” my father beamed at me from behind the glass windows. He waved his ‘little’ girl off to her first day of school and then drove away. I hadn’t even made it through the door before I hated it. I could hear the other kids as I walked past ‘is that a new girl?’ and ‘who’s that?’ Ofcourse it scared me. Anyone that wasn’t even remotely scared starting a new school, in a new country wasn’t human. But that wasn’t even the half of it, once I got my schedule, things just went more and more downhill to the point where I wasn’t running anymore, I was falling. Finding my way round the school proved to be rather difficult, but eventually I found my way to biology. Late
“Ahhhh, young lady, nice of you to join us, and you are?” my schedule said his name was Mr. Powers. The name sort of spoke for itself.
“I’m Ami Chiyoko,” out of everything that happened today; he was what scared me the most.
“Well, Ami since you took the time out of your busy schedule to arrive here on time, you may aswell take your seat” cold hearted, bitter man.
“Y-yes sir,” I practically ran to my seat, it was pathetic.
“Well I do trust you received your textbooks from the office, turn to page 47, we’re learning about nerves, though you’d know that if you had bothered to arrive on time. This is not a ‘dos’ lesson Miss Chiyoko, do remember to arrive on time next time, for the sake of everyone,” he stared at me as I unpacked my textbooks onto the table; this was in no-way going to be a fun or easy lesson.

Chapter Three: Let The Thunder Commence And The Fun Start…

“Adjust your philosophy of First Impressions - You should know they're meaningless by now.”
-Timothy Correa

He was standing outside my window. My window. He was knocking on my window, not just standing there like some fool. It was him; it was really him. But what did he want? Panic started to rush through my veins. What could he possibly want with me? And now I’ve kept him waiting, I walked to the window and opened it. “What light through yonder window breaks?” I think I may have looked confused. “It’s Shakespeare…you know Romeo and Juliet?” he searched my face, obviously looking for an answer.
“Oh, right yeah, I got that, sorry,” I must look like such a ditz right now.
“No problem, can I come in, or am I to stay in the tree?” a smiled played across his face.
“You can come in, but just this once,” I smiled back. He chuckled. That’s got to be good? Right? He finished climbing in through the window and I shut it. “Any reason for the sudden visit?” is it me or does he look nervous? It must just be me.
“Err, well yeah…”
“Go on…” he scratched the back of his head and then brought his hand forward, ruffling his hair as it came. He took a deep breath before finishing his sentence.
“You see, there’s this gathering on Saturday, and I was thinking that if you wanted to, you could maybe come? You don’t have to, like if you don’t want to or anything, and I can’t guarantee you’ll get on with my friends cause their a bit…I don’t know what the word is, and I don’t really know you very well so I can’t really make decisions on what you might like and such. So yeah…” I blinked. He was inviting me? For a split second I became speechless, but I quickly reminded myself to speak.
“Looks like I’ve made my first friend,” was that all I could say? O dear o dear. He looked enthusiastic.
“Is that a yes?” was it a yes? I really wasn’t sure.
“A yes to coming?” I paused. “I think so,” I still wasn’t sure, but what was the worst that could happen? Actually I could think of a few things, but I pushed those out of my head before I could change my mind. “Awesome, pick you up next Saturday at 7?”
“Totally,” and this is where the butterflies that hide in my stomach start to flutter.
“Can I go the way I came?” he looked at me for a definite answer, despite him already opening the window.
“Yeah go ahead,” I’m smiling again.
“Oh, by the way, I see you and Mr. Powers are getting along ok?” he winked at me and then within an instant the window was shut and he was gone.
The week seemed to fly by quicker than usual, leading up to the bombshell that was about to land in Charlottesville.
Sitting outside the school gates Friday afternoon, I was mulling over my encounter with Mr. Powers once again today and re-doing clothing choices for tomorrow when my dad finally showed. “Hey darling, good day?” he looked unnerved. Something had definitely happened.
“Err yeah it was ok thanks, yours?” I looked at him quizzically, trying to figure what was going on.
“Good. Thank you.” I was going in.
“Dad, what’s wrong?” he looked slightly surprised, slightly like he’d been expecting it.
“Well you see, me and your mother have been talking, and we’ve decided to move back to England. Now, I know that we’ve just moved here, it’s just we don’t think it’s really working out,” for a moment, I was quite sure that everything stopped. But it started again, and that’s when all hell broke loose.

“Ami, AMI! Please, please just listen to us!” the volume on my CD player was really starting to be tested as I pushed the dial even further round. My father frantically tried to reason with me over the loud music, but I was way beyond reasoning now. “Ami, please Ami, just listen, Please!” it was my mother’s turn now; I could hear her crying outside the door. I didn’t care; it was a small price to pay for the pain they cause me. I’m not an object, it’s like they forget I live and I breathe just like everyone else. I’m not emotionless. Eventually they left, leaving me on my own. The loud music seemed out of place so I quickly switched it off and stood in the centre on my bedroom. And that’s when I burst into tears. All I could think about all week is tomorrow, and how wonderful it was going to be and my parents have to ruin it within seconds. It never took them very long. I was still going? Wasn’t I? Ofcourse I was. How could I not. I let the tears come to a close before I got up and rummaged around for something decent to wear tomorrow.

“Bring Ding Dong Bringgggg,” that was not the doorbell. Already? It couldn’t be 7 already, surely. I glanced at the clock only to have my fears confirmed. I wasn’t ready. I grabbed my hair brush and ran it through my hair faster than the speed of sound. “Ami, there’s someone here for you,” my mother’s voice echoed up the stairs. It was going to have to do, I said to myself as I ran my eyes up and down my reflection. “Amiiii,” I grabbed my bag and ran down the stairs, where had I put my shoes again?
“I’m here, no need to yell. Mum, did you see where I put my shoes?” I asked as I ran around the living room trying to retrace my steps.
“No sweetheart I didn’t,” her reply was polite, obviously trying to show off her niceness infront of Tsukune.
“Ahhhh found them,” they were hidden underneath the kitchen sink, how did they get there… “You ready to go then?” he winked at me as my mother turned her back on him.
“Just say when,” I winked back. Within seconds we were out the house and into his car. I only wish I had known what was coming next.

Chapter Four: Let’s Get This Addiction Started…

“Excuse me while I light my spliff good god, I gotta take a lift.”
-Bob Marley

Not what I was expecting. Well the first hour or so wasn’t. It was a normal house, smaller than mine, over decorated with fairy lights and littered with beer cans. I guess you could call it cozy? “You alright?” Tsukune looked at me sideways; I think he could tell I was quietly bearing the boring atmosphere. I expected Tsukune to have found a better ‘gathering’, atleast, I hoped. “You don’t like it?” I was trying hard not to recognize disappointment in his voice, and I didn’t. Was there any? “Thank god,” what? “I hate it aswell,” I was shocked, had he not brought me here? Had he not picked this ‘gathering’? “Well, if you want, there’s this other event not too far from here, if we run, we can make it in time, it should be more to you taste, I guess you could say it was more ‘hardcore’,”
“If by hardcore, you mean less fairy lights and a wider range of drinks, then I’m there,” he started to reply but I’d already started making my way towards the door “where’d you park your car again?” I looked back to check he was behind me and I could have sworn I saw him smiling.

I knew I was right. I knew Tsukune had better taste. Tsukune jumped higher as a laser ran over our hands, which were elevated as high as we could get them, towards the ceiling. I had never seen a busier dancefloor and the crowd screamed for more as the dj span his records. As another song began to vibrate out of the speakers, Tsukune grabbed my arm and signaled towards a door. The door went through into a room which was aloominated by neon blue lights. Big chairs that sunk into the ground were occupied by people who looked half asleep; Tsukune led us over to 2 free chairs. It was moments before some bloke came over to Tsukune, acting like Tsukune’s best friend. Who was he? He sat on the floor opposite Tsukune while asking him questions, like ‘How’s it been mate?’ and ‘You up for it tonight?’ whatever that meant. I let him and Tsukune chat amongst themselves while bearing the sideways glances the strange guy was giving me. Trying to avoid his eyes was torture; he seemed to look straight into me, instantly knowing everything about me that was physically possible. I guess that was why it didn’t surprise me that he did it, something about him always screamed stay away, but Tsukune, nothing could have shocked me more.
They say that addiction is the uncontrollable compulsion to repeat a behaviour regardless of any negative consequences. I guess you could say the same thing about love? It’s possible that that is why I did it. Not because of an uncontrollable compulsion but because of the fear of losing something precious? Or because of the lack of fear for negative consequences. However, the addiction that was born from my own incompetent behaviour was something pitiful and something that destroyed not only my life, but the life of those who I loved.
They lit the end, which took alight turning grey as it burnt away the contents into ash. In turn moving it closer to their lips, sucking on the end, inhaling the fumes and holding for seconds before breathing out, letting the remainder fall out of their mouths and into the air for everyone else to inhale. It became an epidemic. It moved between them and then it came towards me. Panic began to break from within me pushing outwards, trying desperately to show on my body, but I didn’t let it. Yet for some reason, I took it, knowing that if the outcome wasn’t good, my life could end in ruins. I inhaled the dirty and disgusting gas and let it take its course. I felt it calm my nerves; I felt the fumes penetrate my veins and arteries, the smoke making rollercoaster movements in and out of my bloodstream. My brain relaxed, welcoming a new sense of contentment. Everything became peaceful, like nothing could harm me, you become completely unaware of any damage taking place or yet to come. Reaching for the stars was no longer impossible because they run circles round your head, dreams become reality and soon enough everything becomes blank. Your actions become unknown and the morning headaches seem totally worth the high.

Chapter Five: Welcoming A New Start...

“I always liked the story of Noah's Ark and the idea of starting anew by rescuing the things you like and leaving the rest behind.”
- Zach Braff

What happens after that, for weeks is completely unclear to me. It’s like my mind blocked out the section where a small pleasure of one thing, became a serious addiction to another. Once you’re hooked onto something it’s hard to let it go, so you either gain the will power, or move onto something harder, something worse. I’d love to say I gained the will power, but happy ending never did come easily to me. I discovered just how dramatic the effects were, it effected just about everything in my life the relationship I had with my parents, my school grades, not that I had made many friends to begin with, but I became completely friendless except for people you met at parties, who were willing to share (it meant spending less of my money). I began to spend every waking moment that I could with Tsukune, if we weren’t together, then there was always going to be something missing.
And I can remember thinking, that as long as I was with Tsukune, nothing could go wrong, and I can remember thinking that no-one and nothing could touch us. We were invincible, untouchable and perfect for each other. And I can remember how we ended up here. And I can remember how stupid and easily led I was. And no-one can regret their past as much as I can.
I woke up in my own bed, a first for ages. My parents had decided to stay in Charlottesville. I remember how the morning light channelled through the curtains making the bedroom come to light, and I remember how I knew, just knew that today was going to have a dramatic effect on the rest of my life, how I lived it, and how it ended. I got myself from morning to night, but how I did is unclear and maybe even irrelevant to the story. The night where toil took its turn, to me it was like any other night, you do a little; you go a little further each time, you experience new substances enabling you to see life in a new light. Making new friends as the night went on; offending people you knew you’d never see again, being completely and utterly open with everyone around you, and letting the substances that had you under influence take complete control. What did you care, whatever people thought of you it didn’t matter. You had him and that was all you ever needed. It’s funny how you never think about what would happen if you weren’t with him, if he were to go, or to disappear. To die.
I remember, before it happened, before we eloped, he said to me “You are exactly my brand of heroin,” yes it’s corny, especially since it was stolen from a well known film, but all the same, he said it with true emotion, and no, he wasn’t on smack. When we did it, eloped that is, it wasn’t planned, we just grabbed everything we could and left; we moved to a real city, we took a train straight from Virginia to New York, and I don’t think anyone could comprehend the feeling of entering that city for the first time, with absolutely nothing. Buildings taller than the giants you imagined, in the fairytales you were read when little, lights brighter than the sun and more people than you imagined the whole world to have. With what little money we had, we found a place for the night, and since we’d left early that morning, we had time to search for jobs. He found one; my luck wasn’t so easy to ignite but his job held us solid. If provided enough for us to get a small place in the inner city, cheap; so we could afford other, less important, but certainly more addictive things.

“I don’t do drugs, I am drugs.”
-Salvador Dali
Time passes quickly when your addiction takes over, and what little money you have becomes a priority to materials that Satan himself classes as disaster prone. And while this times passes, you don’t tend to think of a consequence called overdosing. We didn’t. Tsukune didn’t.

Chapter Six: Ending It All...

“No one's gonna take me alive,
Time has come to make things right,
You and I must fight for our rights,
You and I must fight to survive”
-Muse

We got kicked out, mainly because we couldn’t pay the rent, but Tsukune kept his job. So we still had money. It hadn’t bothered me that the ‘love of my life’ seemed to be taking more than usual lately. When you’re in love, it’s whatever the other person wants; and he wanted more, more of the drugs, so he could satisfy the addiction, put it to rest, let it die out. Atleast until tomorrow, when he would want more, even more than previously.
When you sleep in doorways, with nothing but a blanket, you learn to appreciate the finer things in life, the things that I once had. The things that I could have again, all it took was a train ride home. I could easily have gotten the money, I knew where he kept it, but I wasn’t about to abandon the person I loved more than anything, and I knew he wouldn’t have come with me. I remember for the slightest moment I wished I didn’t love him, or maybe that I had never met him. Then I wouldn’t have thrown everything that I had away, I would still have a home, a bed, and a clean bloodstream. Little had I known, we had money, enough to have bought what we needed, but we weren’t buying anything, we were promising. If I’d known that, I would have paid before it happened, before he came. He took everything from me, from right under my nose, my life torn, ripped and left hanging by a lose string.
I don’t remember what time of night it was, nor the name or shape of the person who did it. What I do remember was the speed in which the deed was done. It was so quick, he didn’t even utter any last word, no ‘I love you’, and the suffering he was put through, as his lungs filled to the brim with blood. Overflowing. His breathing got heavier and heavier until he caved in. Drowned in his own blood. I remember how when he fell, everything about him, the bad, and the small glimmer of good within him became outstandingly clear. The person I loved became a hollow body, cold and lifeless. Dressed in blood; red, his favourite colour. The body and me, no longer one with each other, we became individual, alone. His stab wound lay open to infection, not that he’d notice. I remember letting the body fall from my grasp to the stone floor, I remember watching the blood drift in-between the stone slabs and thinking that everything was over; I was left with nothing and no-one. The killer hadn’t taken the money, just Tsukune’s life, but to me there was no greater cost.

Pull the trigger,
Let the Bullet Bounce
Feel the desperation,
Let your heart Pounce.
May the man drop dead,
May he feel the pain.
Which caused my desperation,
Which cause my pain.
I feel no sorrow,
It was his own greed.
It led him wrong,
It let him bleed.

That morning I watched the sunrise. It became final, with the remaining money, I caught a train to Virginia. I was going home, I was getting help and I was kissing goodbye to only person I had loved. I’d like to think that I was his final thought. That with his final breath he managed to realise that the greatest thing he had was me and that if he’d stayed alive, he would have never lost me, because to him I was everything, just like he was everything to me. It’d be romantic to think that, though I’m guessing his last thoughts were more along the lines of ‘fuck it’ or ‘bugger, he found me’.
I’m not sorrowful because he died; he deserved to die, lying to me, lying to the man that took his life. I’m sorrowful because he was my entirety, he was my stable lifeline, immune to my faults; it didn’t matter if the heavens opened and we were without food, at the end of the day he was the one that was still there, he didn’t leave me. He loved me. And for that I am forever, and eternally grateful.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 01.07.2009

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Widmung:
Daniel Charles Luck, for putting up with everything, to my English teacher for taking the time to read, for Kate, who cries at everything.