Not What You Would Expect

I am sixteen and lost in the haze that is being sixteen.
I was born in Bryan, Texas, but raised in
Newcomb, North Zulch, Farmington, Portland, and Astoria.
Although, the argument could be made that I am still being raised.

I attend the Astoria high school.
I am the only sane person there.
In actuality, the only insane one,
But by admitting I’m insane,
I really am sane because insane people don’t admit they’re insane
Because they’re insane.
Which means I’m an alien.
I’ve lost you, haven’t I?

I play the viola and the bass
Which is an admirable feat to some,
But music has always been within me,
Screaming and clawing for release.
I just play music so the music monster living in my guts
Won’t eat me from the inside out.
So, I don’t think I deserve to be admired.

I like to sleep, run, play, and be in love.
I like to be with friends and be alone.
It seems strange to me. I have different definitions of happiness.
I’m happy with friends, family, and people
It’s a radiating joy that creates laughter and light
But I’m happy all by myself
That’s a peaceful, warm glow that creates calm and dreaming.

I love to dream.
Dreaming is my weapon and shield, but also
My Achilles’ heel.
It sets me apart from others,
This dreamland of mine,
And makes the reality of the day blurry and unfocused
Or maybe that’s because I don’t wear my glasses.
It makes me closer with others,
This dreamland of mine,
Reminding us that we aren’t so different afterall.

I don’t have a specific “place” yet
And I wonder if I really want one.
I’m not done creating myself
And I don’t know exactly who I want to be
But I do know that I will have a ton of fun
Making this world my playground.

For a Friend

I fell down today and thought of you.
Not because I associate pain with
Memories of you
But because She immediately helped me up,
Checked to make sure I was okay.
You, on the other hand, would of laughed
At my ever-present clumsiness
And efforts to defeat gravity.
I would laugh with you.
We would both laugh at the image
Of my face as I went rocketing toward the ground
And be carefree, like we were once.
Or perhaps I dreamt that.
Perhaps we were both too young
To realize that the smiles on our faces
Were born of an innocence that was fast escaping us.
No. I think it's that
Now we are too old to realize
That we need to fall down
And have the humility and grace to laugh at ourselves.

Almost Like a Dream

A slight breeze is playing with my hair as I make my way down the street. I'm walking down the double lines, pushing a shopping cart in front of me. It is empty save for a ragged teddy bear. I walk for hours, never deviating from the center lines and always going straight.

Sweat is trickling down my brow. I slow to a stop and remove my jacket. It shrinks in my grasp and I put it on the teddy bear. Just as I am about to continue, a man approaches from the west. When he reaches me, we both stay silent, taking a few moments to study one another. He points at the teddy bear.

"Can I have it?" His voice scraps the side of his throat like a car against a guard rail.
"What will you give me for it?" My voice is the exact opposite, so light it is almost carried away by the breeze.
"Money." He answers.
"No. Not good enough."
"All of my possessions."
"No. Not good enough."
"My house."
"No. Not good enough." He pauses, at a loss for what to offer next.
"What if I sang for you?" I hand the teddy bear to the man and he begins to sing.

"You are my sunshine, My only sunshine, You make me happy, When skies are gray, You'll never know dear, How much I love you, Please don't take my sunshine away..."

Lost

Voices arguing in my head
Voices that I love to dread
Whispering whimpers
Won't go away
Can't think of what to say

Stuck in a heavy trance
A relentless,
Furious,
Vicious,
Attack,
Assault on my mind
Trying to figure out what to do
Mind is throbbing,
Head is reeling,
I hate to feel what I am feeling

Too many thoughts to think
I feel myself starting to sink
I don't want to feel this feeling

All alone in a vast sea
Only my confusion as company
A black,
Blank,
Sky over my head
Just want to go back to bed

Stuck in my yesterday
Memories refuse to fade away
Can't focus on the times ahead
I really need to go back to bed


The Ride of My Life

A sharp push from my brother sent me forward.
“Come on, you big baby.” He taunted, pressing firmly against my back once more. I looked back at him, my eyes pleading. His hands lowered and I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Jeez, Lauren. You’re such a wimp sometimes.” I watched him go before turning back to face the sandy hill. A faded green, long-bodied skateboard, wheels missing and wood chipped from years of abuse, sat on the ground, silently mocking me. I gave the skateboard a swift kick, sending it careening down the rocky slope. As I watched it tumble recklessly downward, I noticed it looked solemn somehow, as if the skateboard was lonesome without a passenger. It set a frown on my face all the way home.
The next day, I avoided the hill at all costs, even going to the extreme of volunteering to help my mother fold laundry. My evasiveness was short-lived, however, as my brother lured me outside with the promise of ice cream. I was surprised when an ice cream sandwich was actually thrust into my hand. I ripped the wrapping off with practiced ease and took off the chocolate cookies that sandwiched the ice cream in between them. My brother gave me a look.
“I only like the ice cream part.” I explained defensively. He merely shook his head and took the cookies from me, happy to eat them himself instead.
We inevitably ended up at the hill. My brother brought his hands to his mouth and issued a sharp, loud birdcall. He waited, breath drawn, until his birdcall was answered. We both smiled, running toward the sound.
My brother’s best friend Kevin stood tall, his long, black hair streaming behind him and his glossy, brown skin glowing in the sunlight. His every feature was rich and dignified, a proud Native American heritage flowing through his veins. I had always marveled at the sight of him.
Kevin ran over and swiftly tackled my brother, the two of them wrestling on the ground in order to determine who would get the privilege of riding the long board first. The fight was evenly matched, but Kevin finally got the best of my brother. The victor rose and turned to me, a mischievous glint in his eye.
“Alright, Lauren.” He challenged. “Bring it on.” I let out a war cry and jumped on top of him. Kevin could have easily held me, his age and strength vastly superior to my own, but instead he buckled, falling on to his back. I pinned him, laughing at first, but soon I was crying as Kevin lifted me and carried me over to the skateboard. He ignored my pleas for mercy and with one push, sent me blazing downhill on the skateboard. The tears dried on my face in an instant and I let out a scream of pleasure while my greatest fear turned into my favorite pastime.

Meaningless Words

Meaningless words
Fall from their lips
Bounce off the walls
Void and empty

Meaningless words
Try to sooth
Try to calm, to help, to move
But there’s no feeling, the words mean nothing

Meaningless words
Sing out in a chorus
No reason for their existence
Bright and dark

Behind their masks
Their eyes are lifeless
Deep rifts where souls belong
Breathing doesn’t make you alive

Meaningless words
I see through your clever disguise
All your tall tales, all your lies
Meaningless, meaningless words


Silly Hope

It doesn’t matter whether you’re good or bad,
You still wish for the things you never had.
There’s still regret and pain,
The same fleeting joy and shame.
The only difference between us all,
Is what we do before we fall.
You can cry your tears,
Or face your fears
Either path
Is thick with wrath.
The funny thing is, we still hope.
What a silly way to cope.

Lying is a Tragedy

The man and the woman lay side by side, limbs intertwined in an embrace of love. The man, ever so gently, pressed his lips to the woman's forehead. And the woman, ever so tenderly, stroked the man's cheek with the tips of her soft fingers. Everything was as it was meant to be. Their world was at peace.
Then, the woman, ever so softly, whispered into the man's ear. "I lied." The man looked at the woman with a puzzled expression, but it was quickly replaced by one of shock as understanding came to him. Suddenly, anger took root and filled the man's veins like a monster on a rampage. The man tore himself from the woman's embrace and struggled to control the beast within him.
The animosity continued to grow, like a plague sweeping across the land, it filled him until he couldn't contain it anymore. Like a bottle smashing against the hard ground, everything inside of him burst out and blind fury clouded his reasoning. Screams escaped through his lips.
The man lashed out with a tongue sharp as a blade, using words that would not soon be forgotten, to leave deep, bleeding cuts upon the woman. The woman's beautiful face, so radiant and unblemished before was now ruined by rivers of tears. Unlike the man, anger did not come to her. Instead, sadness and regret and a pain worse than any other she had ever felt before ravaged her soul. The pain was clear in the woman's eyes as she silently endured the punishment she felt deserving of.
One look upon the woman's face made the man stop dead in his tracks. His screams died in his throat and the anger, so strong before, now faded. Only to be quickly replaced by feelings of remorse. The man sank to the floor and covered his face in shame.
Then, the babe cried out and the woman struggled to regain her composure as she went to calm their child. The woman soothed the babe with words of reassurance that she did not believe and tender cradling filled with fake love. And the man sat with his face hidden in shame.

There Once Was Laughter

It was a bright, sunny afternoon with a gentle breeze wafting through the air. A perfect day for a trip to the beach. Laughter could be heard. Bright, bubbly laughter that emanated from a small boy. He ran down the beach, laughing as the tide washed over his feet and the wind blew through his curly locks.
He splashed in the bracing sea water and admired the shells he found resting upon the sandy ground. His happiness seemed never ending and brightened the hearts of all the onlookers. They began to laugh along with the little boy as they went about tanning or flying their kites. So caught up in their joy, they failed to notice that the little boy was going out further and further into the ocean.
His laughter turned to screams of terror as the tide lifted him off his feet and pulled him out to sea. He kicked and splashed as the tide sucked him under, but to no avail. But what of the onlookers? Surely they would notice and save the little boy. Except, they didn’t notice. Not until it was too late.
Not until the little boy had stopped making sound completely. Not until the original source of their joy had vanished forever from sight. Not until they heard a mother’s sobs and screams as she tried desperately to beat the ocean into submission. Suddenly, all the joy of the day disappeared along with the little boy and all the onlookers went home with heavy hearts.

My Ultimate Fear

I am invisible.
Watch me disappear.
For I am facing my ultimate fear,
Of being taken by the men,
Forced to commit the greatest sin.
The gun is heavy in my hand.
The men give their cruel command.
I pull the trigger. Witness the gore.
Watch as the body falls to the floor.
He is dead, but so am I.
My soul is spent. I begin to cry.
He was the first, but not the last.
I'm a soldier now, ending life with a single blast.
I am invisible.
Watch me disappear.

(Dedicated to the children of the war torn country of Uganda.)


Solitude

Let me out
I have to escape from this world
The life I yearn for
Exists only in fading memories
And dreams of a rising sun

Although I'm trapped in this prison
I cling to hope
For the faint rhythm of
My footsteps on pavement
Lives within me still

Would you rescue me
From this world made of cages
If I didn't know the real you?
Nobody cares for the truth
Silently watching from the corners of padded chambers

A woman weeps
I cannot console her
From behind this glass
Yet, it is she that put me here
I grow weary of ironic sympathy

These are the eyes of a mad man
Turn away and forget
You ever noticed my torturous desolation
Someday you will instead
Look up at my soaring shadow in the clouds.


What I Want

I want him.

I want his hands on my skin
Gliding and exploring
Every curve and abnormality.

I want his lips on mine
Moving to a rhythm
Embedded in our hearts.

I want to wake beside him
Each morning
More in love than the morning before.

I want to know him
Every plane of his body
And every corner of his soul.

I want him.


All Alone Together

I slowly entered the clearing, not daring to look at the others around me. We were all together and yet each one of us was completely alone. A shiver ran down my spine, sending tiny vibrations throughout the rest of my body. All alone together, we waited.
When my entire body was frozen and my legs had began shaking uncontrollably, my muscles starting to fail me, the ceremony finally commenced. We were given an order, and all of us stepped forward, placing one foot after the other as we were directed. Moon light broke through the canopy of leaves above as we were told to halt and figures stepped forward from the shadows, one slightly in front of the rest, leading them.
He chanted under his breath, walking through us, studying us, as the others encircled us, insuring no chance of escape. There was no turning back now.
I could hear the mocking voice of the leader, laughing coldly at our weakening muscles, our pain. Suddenly, it was too much to bear. I had to get out… I had to get out… I had to get out now.
I tore off the robe they had given to me, smelling strongly of sweat and blood, and threw it to the dirt. A small cloud of dust rose from the impact and everyone around me watched the particles fall back to the ground in mute horror. My legs kicked into high gear as I carelessly flung myself through the crowd of misguided souls that just wanted to belong somewhere. Anywhere. But in that moment I concluded that if I was to either belong here or be an outcast, I would take the latter in a heartbeat. If I was to be alone forever, I would enjoy my isolation merely because of the fact that in that solitude, I would still have my self respect.
The lost souls paid me no mind as I pushed them aside, but the hands of the jailers clung to me, pulling me back as voices cried out. I struggled, kicked, screamed, and gave it every ounce of strength I could muster until something struck my head. A crack rang out and a shrill scream of pain pierced the night sky. The hands let go, but only to let me fall to the ground. Figures scattered as a thick, red substance blurred my vision, allowing me to see only a lone shadow, standing over me, laughing with that ice cold heart.
“Serves you right. Nobody escapes. Nobody.” The leader began to walk away, leaving me to bleed to death without remorse. I returned his harsh laughter and it stopped him in his tracks.
“But I have escaped!” I yelled, gritting my teeth against the pain as I rose.
“You will never bring me down!”
“Is that a challenge?” He replied, back still to me.
“No. That is a fact.” I said, wiping blood from my eyes just in time to see him turn and throw a punch. I dodged and swung, striking him square in the jaw and forcing him on his butt. The figures had started closing in again and I knew that they would kill me.
“We are going to bring you down. Hard.” The leader said, his voice dripping with malice as he was helped up by one of his followers.
“Then you’ll have to bring us down too!” A voice from the crowd yelled and then the mass of people all threw down their robes and charged.

----------

As we found our way back home, a strong wind blew against our backs, urging us on to a better tomorrow.

Here I Am

I had the perfect words for you.
Words that breathed simple sweetness
Like the sort from the candy sticks
In a pack of Fun Dip.
Words that breathed honesty and earnestness
Like the sort from a gut-wrenching monologue.
I had them
And they were for you.
But these words, like so many other things,
Were swept away by the terrible current
Of trying to solve chemical equations or the cubed root of "x"
Or wondering why Dickens had to be so
Extraordinary that I will never comprehend his level of writing.
So, here are these words instead.
Words of innocence, embarrassment, and shyness
And other words, that I will always
Always think of when I think of
You
But will be too insecure to risk speaking into existence.
Instead, I secure my heart to this paper,
In the faint hope that you will someday stumble upon it
And know without a doubt that it was always meant for
You.

Here are my words.
Here am I.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 23.07.2009

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Dedicated to my parents because they will read this and have a heart attack.