Why me?

My name is Amanda , I am 9 years old. I live with my Daddy. My Mommy died when I was 7. I cant say I miss her because I rarely even saw her even when she was alive but I did love her. My Daddy is a doctor so I barely saw much of him either. When my Mommy died he started working harder and later than he had before. I miss him alot. Since I cant stay home along he puts me in classes such as ballet and piano but I prefer skateboarding and going to the park. My Daddy says those things are innopropriate for a girl my age so when I dont have my classes he has his best friend Nate babysit me. Him babysitting me changed my life. Definately not in a good way.

''Daddy isn't coming home today?" I wait for Nate to answer. "yea , he has to work today" he replies. I frown. "what do you want to do today?" he asks me. I turn around and I stick my hand in my toy box and I pull out my favorite barbie "you want to play with my trucks?" I ask. He smiles nice and big "sure" I walk upstairs into my room for the bits and pieces to my truck set. "How about we do something else fun?" he suggests. I turn around quickly. "I didnt know you were behind me". He grins. "How about I show you this little fun game I know". I was a child and I hadnt realized what "fun" was. "Thats okay I want to play with my trucks" I say. "Well you actually dont have a choice!" he snaps. I look up at him clueless. Suddenly he puts his hand up my skirt. I scream. He quickly puts his hand over my mouth. "Shut it or i'll kill you" he whispers in my ear. My eyes widen. He yanks up my skirt. "This will only hurt a little"

I'm sixteen now. Nate still comes over and hurts me but now that i'm older I fight him with all i've got. I turn around so that I could look at myself in the mirror. I have long curly brown hair and bright blue eyes. Suddenly theres a knock at my door. I go stiff at the thought of it being Nate. "whos there?" I ask. My door opens "I was coming to tell you im going to work" Dad says. "oh..." "seetheart you sound so disappionted" silence. ''Nate is going to be dropping by to check on you later" He announces. "Theres no need for him to come and check on me. Dont let him back here hes crazy , He hurts me-" he cuts me off "why are you talking such nonesense he would never lay a finging on you. He is like a brother to me." "Cant you just listen , please just hear me out" I plead. He glares at me "I wont have you lying on Nate , i'm going to work" he turns and walks away. I sit on my bed. "Why wont he listen to me?" My eyes start to burn. "Daddy dont you love me?" I lay down and I pull my blue quilt my father had given me for my last birthday over me. I cry myself to sleep.

New...Everything

I wake up to the sound of movement. "Dad..Nate.." I call out , hating myself for saying his name. Then theres no movement and I dont hear anything. I sigh and I sit up. Suddenly I feel sick. I run over to my bathroom and I throw up. I sit next to the toilet considering my situation. "It cant be .. I cant be pregnant" I let out a deep breathe and then I get up. Quickly I dig through all my drawers looking for money and any loose change , once I gather up as much money as I can I throw on some shoes and I walk down the stairs. Then I hear something rustle near the couch. "Whos there?" nothing replies. I continue walking and just as I was about to turn the knob something grabs me , I scream. "Chill out Amanda" I flip the light switch on and I turn around "Duncan!" I scream. My older brother who is now in college stands behind me. Hes 26  already in his last year. We share both the Curly brown hair and blue eye trait. So we pretty much look alike. I jump into his arms , we nearly toppled over. "I missed you so much" I say. Tears start to well in my eyes. "Hey dont cry , I missed you too" He wipes away my tears with his thumb. "What are you doing back here?" I ask curious. "I mostly just came to see you guys.." I cross my arms over my chest "I know theres more" He sighs and plops down on the couch. "I'm meeting my girlfriends parents" I playfully punch him in the arm "are you reallly that nervous?" I ask. He nods. Everytime he gets nervous he breaks into uncontrollable laughter. I smile "well cant help you there" He smiles "I've been wanting to hear you say that" I let out a long dramatic sigh "I cant wait until you can really come back" "yea i've been missing this place" "i've been wanting to get out of here" I gesture at the house. "I guess if I were you i'd be ready to split aswell" Then I remember what im supposed to be doing "Duncan I need to go to the convienant store down the street i'll be right back" I turn. "Nonesense i'll take you" he jumps up off the couch. "Theres really no need for you to" I stutter at the thought of him finding out. "Come on , I have a car" I sigh "fine"

We pull up to the convienant store "theres no need for you to come in , i'll be right out" I say. Hoping he would just give in "alright. I'm staying at a hotel tonight so im going to just drop you off and leave ok?" "ok but dont disappear without saying goodbye again" He nods. I rush into the store and I look around for the pregnancy tests , not wanting to ask because i'd feel embarrassed. Finally after what seemed like forever I find them. I grab the cheapest one and a bag of patatoe chips. I bring it to the cash register. The lady rings it up "7.95" I hand her 7 crumpled bills and 4 quarters "keep the change" I say. She hands me the bag and I leave. "What'd you get?" Duncan asks "Patatoe chips" He laughs a little. "well then lets go" I say.

Once back at the house I say bye to Duncan and I give him a big hug "Tell Dad I said Hello and i'll be back tomorrow" "ok bye" I close and lock the door. I rush upstairs into my bathroom. I read the instructions on the little package. I pee on the little stick. It says wait 3 minutes for the results but I decide to wait 10. When its time I flip it over. A big pink plus sign stares back at me. ''Noo.." I cry. I throw the test across the room. "Why me?" I break down crying.

I have to tell Dad I tell myself. Wait I cant..I have to. I hear the door downstairs open and close. "Amanda i'm home" I slowly walk downstairs. "How was work today?" I ask him. "same as usual" He replies. "Duncan came back to visit and he said he'll be back tomorrow" His face brightens a little. "I cant wait to see him" He turns to go to his room. "dad?" He turns and looks at me "what is it?" I stutter "I..I..have..have..something to..tell you" I look down at my feet. "Well go on" Silence. "I..i'm..pregnant" I say quietly. "Speak up I didnt hear you right" He says. "I'm Pregnant" I say without stuttering. He stares at me shocked and then it turns to anger "Who is the father?" He demands. I dont say anything. "Who is the father?!" He shouts. "If I told you , you wouldnt believe me" I say. "Pack your things your going to your aunts house" I stand there. " I didnt stutter , now hurry up!" he yells. My eyes just start pushing out tears.

I have lost myself again

"Get in the car" Dad says. "I'm leaving today , cant I stay until the end of the week?" I ask. He shakes his head. I throw my suitcase in the trunk and I sit down. He starts the engine and pulls out. I look at my phone to check my page on my favorite social networking cite. I scroll down. One read "I heard shes pregnant and gave some boy STDS and shes switching schools" I read it over and over to be clear of what it says. I scroll down more "She had sex with like 10 boys I wonder if she gets paid" I scroll down again. I slam my phone down. "How did this even get out , i've i've only been absent for a few days" My Dad pays no attention to me. Tears roll down my cheek. What is happening to me? I pick up my phone again "I feel sick , Dad have you seen what they've been writing?" I ask. "Does it even matter?" he says. "yes it does!" I yell. "Then delete your account" "No way" I reply. I cut my phone off and I sleep .. or try to.

"We're almost there" my Dad shakes me awake. I sit up. "Dad do you really have to send me away?" Silence. "Dad?" He still says nothing. I sigh and I look out the window. Finally he pulls up to a White house. "I hope you remember her name" he says. "Of course.How could I forget" I say. "Get out" he says. "Can I say goodbye first god" I say. I step out the door and I grab my phone. I go around and I grab my suitcase. "Dad when am I coming back?" I ask him. He looks at me then puts the car in reverse , backs up and speeds off. "Never" I say to myself. My Aunt Susan comes outside "Where is your Dad?" she asks while picking up my suitcase. "He was kinda in a hurry" I reply. "He didnt even say bye" Susan says. I sigh. Noah runs outside."Hi Amanda" He says. "Hi Noah , you've sure gotten big how old are you now?" "Im 10 , almost 11" "Well its nice to see you again" I walk inside the house "your room is upstairs third door on the right" Susan explains. I nod and I take my suitcase from her and I walk upstairs to my new room. I keep the light switch off and I lock the door , I sit down at the desk in the corner of the room and I open the laptop. "I need to see what people are writing" I tell myself. Then I think back to my Dads words "Delete it" I shake my head "No way" I log on. I scroll down and I begin reading. "Its worse than before" I stare at the screen. I slam the computer screen closed and I lay my head down on it . I close my eyes letting the tears flow , I just decide to let them all out this time.

Someone knocks on the door "Amanda?" Susan knocks again. "Leave me alone" I say. "You've been in there all day , you need to eat" she replies. I just ignore her. "Honey please" she begs. I dont say anything. "Amanda" I keep my head down and I just sit there. After what seemed like hours Susan came back. "I'm calling Duncan ok?" I stare out my window. "First the pregnancy now this , is this what everyone wanted me to do?" I ask myself. "He'll be here in a little bit" I listen to her walk away. I slowly open the computer , my hands shaking. I just stare at the screen. For 3 hours I just sit here. Finally I get up. I walk over to the bathroom and I grab some pills from the cabinet , I try to open it. "Where is she?" I hear Duncans voice down the hall. He knocks on my door. "Amanda" I continue to try to open the cap. "I have a spare key to her room" Susan says , I hear the key jingling in the lock. "Duncan call 911 just incase somethings happened to her. I hear him dial and him begin to speak to the operator , I frantically try to open the cap. Susan rushes in "I cant get the cap off!" she tries to grab the pills away from me and we struggle. The top breaks open and the pills spill out. "What did you do!" "Amanda calm down" she says. She grabs me and pulls me into her arms. Suddenly my knees start to buckle and then everythings dark.

Recovery

I open my eyes and I sit up , looking at my surroundings. "Where am I?" a man standing next to the bed im in writes something down on a piece of paper "a hospital but your actually free to go" he replies "how long was I here?" "about 3 days" he explains. I sigh and I run my hands through my hair. "Wheres Duncan?" I ask. He scribbles something else down on the paper "i'll go get him for you" I nod. He disappears down the hall and I throw my covers off me and I stand up. "Hey , ready to go home?" Duncan says. "Which home do you mean exactly?" I say angrily. He sighs "Dont be like that..but why exactly did Dad send you there?" He asks. I look up surprised "you mean you don't know?" He nods. Silence. "So are you going to tell me?" I look down at my feet , I look back up "Maybe later" He smiles "I guess we should get going then and Amanda , dont ever do that again" "Dont worry I wont" I say. "Pinkie promise" He hold out his pinkie. I giggle and I cross mine over his "prinkie promise"

"Amanda im so glad your home" Susan says. I give her a little smile "im sorry for burdening you" I say. "Oh dont worry about that I just want you to be safe..I guess I can understand you a bit since I was in a situation that was a bit like yours" I nod. Duncan looks at his watch "I have to go but your going to tell me whats going on right?" he says. "Right" He leans over and kisses my forehead and then gives Susan a hug. "See you later Susan" He opens and closes the door , disappearing just like that. I sigh. "Amanda your not sick anymore?" Noah asks. "nope im all better now" "Yayy , so do want to play football with me and Johnny?" He stares up at me with his light brown eyes. "Who is Johnny?" I ask. "Oh hes my babysitter although I dont really need one but hes pretty cool" "Am I really that cool?"  a teenage boy about my age pops up out of nowhere. He has wavy blonde hair and nice grey eyes. Hes hot for a babysitter I think to myself. "Yea your pretty awesome" Noah replies. The boy walks up to me and sticks out his hand "Johnny Mcleaver" I put my hand in his "Amanda Maturana Mccauley" we shake hands. My stomach flutters inside. Noah interrupts "so are you going to play or not?" "Thats alright I think im going to go and get used to my room" I say. "Haven't you gotten used to it enough?" He asks. I turn to him and I glare at him making him wither about 2 feet smaller "Apparently not enough" I turn and walk upstairs , hating myself for embarrassing myself. "Tomorrow then?" Noah calls out. "Maybe" I yell back. I go into my room I close the door and I flop down onto my bed. "I guess this isn't so bad"

What do I do?

I'm in the kitchen making a snack and suddenly the door bell rings. I open it. "oh hi Johnny" I say. 'I was wondering if you wanted to hang with me and my friends?" He replies. "No thanks" "Ok then let me introduce them.This is Abigail , Humphrey , Alex , Diego , Chloe , and my girlfriend Olivia" He explains. Right a girlfriend .. duhh. "Nice to meet you guys" I say. They all nod. No words no nothing. "Bye" I say and I close the door in his face. "Gosh Amanda way to be friendly" Susan says. "I'm just not very good with people" Susan pats my back "I understand"

A few days later Johnny and his mother decides to come over and have lunch with us. Afterwards I played games with Noah and Johnny. We actually had alot of fun together. I happened to learn alot about Johnny and Noah. They learned alot about me , I guess I could say we had a good time.

Days later...I couldn't even fit my clothes. ''Oh no!'' I look at myself in a mirror. I'm showing way more than I used to. ''Dont worry" Susan says. "Dont worry!" I yell in frustration. "You can have my old maternity clothes?"She suggests. I sit down in my chair. "I guess thats my only option" Susan pats my hand "I'm not telling you not to worry but I want you to try not to worry so much" She turns and begins walking away "I'll be back with those clothes" she disappears. Suddenly something hits my window. I walk over "Sorry!'' Noah yells. He picks up the football. ''Come join us?" Johnny asks. I shrugg "why the heck not" I turn around "Susan!" "I'm coming" she shouts from her room. I look out the window once more "I'll be down in a sec" Susan taps my shoulder. I look at the large bundle of clothes in her armsl "Thanks" I take them and I spread them out on my bed , searching for the right outfit. ''I'm going out so i'll be back in a little bit"Susan says. "Alright" she leaves. I pick out a t-shirt dress , leggins , and cute ankle boots with a low heel (Thank god) I quickly put my hair in a loose braid , I throw in a bow and I'm off.

"You took forever" Noah complains. I stick out my tongue ''Theres no rush" Noah sticks his tongue out. Johnny laughs "You two have a great realationship" I blush a little. "Amanda catch!" Noah throws the football. I run , struggling to catch it but it finally makes its way into my hands. "She caught it" Johnny says like its unbelievable. "Of course I did" I say. "You better not be bragging" Noah says. "I'm not" I wink at Johnny and he laughs.

After playing catch and three flags up for what seemed like forever. Noah declared tahst we were going to have a race. "Right now?At this ver momment?" I ask. "Yea , all the way to the park" Johnny says. I glare at him "So your in on this too" He grins. ithink of something to say "Thats..a little far" I stutter. "Its two blocks you wuss" Noah says. "Yea 2 really long blocks" I wine. "Sore loser!" Noah begins to chant. "Fine! I'm going to beat you" I say. "your not going to beat me" Johnny exclaims. "Watch me" I reply. Noah then draws a starting line with his chalk stick. "Ready.Set.Go!" Noah yells. We run. I can do this I tell myself , afterall I was on a track team. Johnny is ahead of me and Noah is in the back. Who is he calling a sore loser. I start running faster. Next thing I know i'm right next to johnny. The park is not too far up ahead. ''I Guess I wont be going to easy on you" I say to Johnny. He chuckles. I speed pass him and I run. I make it to the park. My brown curls spilling out of its braid and down my back. Johnny stares and I grin. "I won!" "Good job" Johnny gives me a high five. "Good..job" Noah says between breathes. ''You both did good but I did better" I brag. They laugh. We turn and begin walking back. "Amanda?" Noah says. "What?" "You know I was going easy on you right?" "right".Silence. We all burst out laughing.

Do I tell them?

"How was your day?" Susan asks. I look at Johnny and Noah on the couch eating popcorn and watching a Spiderman movie. "It was great" she smiles "well thats nice to hear" I shrugg."Amanda refill the popcorn bowl" Noah hands me the bowl. I quickly refill it and I hand it back. Noah grabs a handful and stuffs it into his mouth "thanks!" He sits back down. "What'd I miss?" Noah asks Johnny. I turn back to Susan "I was thinking maybe we could all watch Juno?" "I'll think about it" she replies. "I thought maybe they could kinda open up to the idea .. you know" Susan wipes her hands off on her apron. "You'll have to tell them either way honey" I sigh "I guess your right" she pats my hand. "Go Spiderman!" Noah yells from across the room. "I'm going to bed" I turn to walk up the stairs. "Suit yourself" Susan mutters.

I sigh as I lay down on my bed. My phone suddenly rings, without checking to see who it is I answer it. "Hello?.." silence. I hear breathing on the other end of the line. "Sweetheart its me" "Daddy?" he sighs. "I've been wanting to hear your voice" he says softly. But then suddenly im angry "Oh wait so after you kick me out abd abandon me you want to say you miss me?!" I sanp."Amanda dont speak to me in such tone" he says sternly."I'm sorry but I have better things to do in my life than talk to a crappy piece of nothing of a dad!" I hang up."I hate his guts" I throw my phone against the wall and I watch it shatter."Amanda?" I turn around, tears in my eyes."Oh..Johnny..whats up?" I wipe my tears away with my hand."I heard you yelling at someone so I came to check on you" My shoulder hunches over "My dad called" My eyes start to burn."I'm not really good at cheering people up but...is your Dad even worth your tears?" "Maybe..maybe not" I reply. I wipe my tears but they just keep flowing like a river, no matter how many times I try to stop its flow. Next thing I know, im in Johnny's arms like a baby. His hands and arms are warm around me."I dont think he is" He strokes my hair. I start to fall asleep and my crying stops. I think for a moment about telling him but someone interrupts "Johnny.." I look up. "Hey Olivia." I ease my way out of his arms.''Noah said you came to check on her but it looks like your doing more than checking on her" Johnny lets out a small laugh. "She was feeling down .. but way to say hello" He stands up and kisses her lips."My mom is outside so lets go" Olivia says. Johnny looks at me."Bye Amanda, remember hes not worth your tears. They're to precious to waste" He turns and walks away. Olivia turns to me "Keep your ugly little face and your scrawny little arms away from my boyfriend or else I'll start digging your grave" She flips her hair over her shoulder, pops her gum and walks away. "She'd better be careful who she threatens , Karma is a bitch after all" I turn off my light and I snuggle under my blanket and I sigh."I cant tell him..I just cant." I tell myself before I close my eyes and I fall asleep.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 05.01.2014

Alle Rechte vorbehalten

Widmung:
I dedicate this to myself .. if that's possible. It reminds me of my situation where I was sexually abused and It haunts me forever. I just want you all to know Amanda's story.