Introduction

This is a project for my Creative Writing Class.

All characters in the stories are fictive, none of the events are based on what happened to me or anyone I know, neither what I feel, did or want to do.

I hope you enjoy reading it, even though they are all kind of sad.

- Sophie B.

Beloved Child

- and nothing else matters -

Wearing fifteen centimeter high heels, I teetered slowly along the strip. It was cold, the wind made goose bumps appear on my arms and legs. But I couldn't wear more than this mini skirt and the lace bra. I wasn't allowed to.
Though, I wrapped my arms around my body. At the moment there was nobody there, nobody who could choose me.
Just one second after I thought that, headlights blended my eyes and I closed them for a moment. Quickly, I unwrapped me, flipped my brown hair over my shoulder so that it fell in light waves down to my waist. I pulled in my stomach and pressed my boobs out. Then I put on a seductive smile and went a few steps to the car. The other girls around me did the same. A part of me wished that the car would stop at one of them. But the other part was also present, and so I continued fixing the car which really came and stopped next to me. The driver lowered the window on my side.
“Hello, Beautiful,” he babbled. I could smell the alcohol till over here and swallowed.
“Hey, there,” I replied blinking.
“What do you cost?”
I told him, and he leaned over and opened the door. “Get in.”
For I heart beat, I closed my eyes. Why? Why me? Think of the money. Think of Lisa.
I took a deep breath and got in the car.
As soon as I sat, the dirty hand of the man was on my thigh. He gave me a nasty smile, where I could see his teeth. One in the front was missing, the others were kind of a yellow-white-brown mix. Again I swallowed.
He sped the car up, driving about five minutes away. Then he stopped at a lonely place out of town. It was coal black outside, when he turned off the car. Nobody was out there. Just me and him
He pointed at the back seat, but when I wanted to leave the car to change seats, he locked it.
“Baby, it’s much sexier if you go through here.” He pointed between the two front seats.
Okay, that was not so bad. I slipped off my shoes and started climbing back. Suddenly I felt hands on my butt, tearing my skirt and tanga off. I closed my eyes and a think clop formed in my throat. Lisa. I could do it.
Finally, I reached the back seat, and he also climbed back. His greedy sight was stuck on my boobs, his nasty fingers followed soon. He removed my bra quickly, his fingers seemed to burn on my skin. It hurt.
For Lisa.
His body on mine, he also naked. Heat. Pain. Lisa.
After a way too long time, it eventually was over. He dressed himself again and I took my clothes with trembling hands.
He drove me back in silence, gave me my money and left me on the strip.
My whole body was shaking as I went home in the cold night. From fear, from the cold.
As I closed my door at home., I saw a little child waiting for me.
It was holding a soft blanket, one finger in the mouth and stared at me with big eyes. A relieved sigh left my chest. I hurried to Lisa and hugged her tight.
“Hey, Sweetie. I’m home, everything’s fine.”
And everything was fine. For a moment, the man in the car was forgotten. All the men before him and all the ones that would follow, just blown away.
Nothing mattered yet. Nothing, but my beloved little child.

Nothingness

- when everything just disappears -

When I started to dress up I had no idea about what would happen the next hours.
With a smile on my face I turned in front of the mirror. The dress was really, really short and tight, it showed more than it hid.
A whistle sounded behind me. “Wow! You look stunning!”
I turned and saw my friend Mary, she wore a black dress which was a little bit longer than mine, the hem at its edge caressed almost her knees.
“Hey, thanks. But you, too!”
“Thank you.” She came over and gave me a short hug. “Am I the first?”
I approved and we waited for everybody else to come, then I called a cab which drove us to the festival. Summer Splash.
How long have I been looking forward to this day? Now that I finally turned sixteen, my parents allowed me to go.
In the car we started drinking, Coke White, what nobody of us really liked. But we didn't care, it was alcohol and made us being drunk, that was the main thing.
After the fifth gallon was emptied, I started giggling. “Heeey guuuys… Maybe we should save a little bit for the festival! You know, the drinks there will be soo expensive!” I widened my eyes and tried a serious face, but my friends just laughed. Only Laura took one of the rest bottles and put it into her bag. “Chill, girl. We have enough.”
When the cab stopped we quickly got out of it, I paid the driver and we threw ourselves in the action.
Already after a few minutes, we met the boys from our class. They also seemed to be very drunk, and so the usual tensions between us disappeared. We spent a few hours with them, then we split without me realizing it. Suddenly, all of my friends were gone. I looked around me. “Guuuys!! Where aaare youuu?” Nobody answered, so I just sighed and went to the next bar. People bumped into me, I fell down a few times, but finally I sat on a chair.
“One Vodka Shot, please,” I shouted at the barman. The others had our alcohol and I didn't want to get sober.
“Hey, Kathy?!” Somebody grabbed my shoulder and turned me around.
“Tiiim, heeey! ‘sup?”
“You’re so drunk, girl!” He laughed.
Just that moment I got my Vodka, as to underline the situation. Quickly I drank it on ex.
“Nooo, I'm not! Youuu are!”
I let my head fall against his chest and he caught me.
“'Course. C'mon, I show you something?”
His eyes flickered.
Giggling I hang up on him and we left the bar. He pulled me through the mass of people till we were a little bit outside.
It was darker here, nobody placed as many lights as on the main ground.
Suddenly I heard a few people talking; they were the only ones here except Tim and me. And they were coming closer.
“Hey!” Tim seemed to know them; he parried one after the other. I hang the whole time on his right arm and nobody really realized me.
“Can I have a little bit?” Tim asked and looked around. The guys laughed.
“Sure, bro.” One of them grabbed in his pocket and took a little thing out of it. I couldn't really see what it was because everything was so damn blurred. But it seemed to be a little plastic bag.
Tim seemed to know what it was because he just grabbed it and gave the boy something else. It happened so fast that I couldn't really realize what it was, but I didn't care. One moment later, the boys were gone and Tim and I alone.
“You have luck that I got it!” he whispered and I leaned forward to him to understand his word.
“Got… what?”
He just smiled at me. “You’ll see. I’m sure you’ll like it!”
Carefully he fiddled about the plastic bag and handed me a little white thing. I guessed it was a pill or something. Maybe it was sweet! I tossed it in my mouth and swallowed it quickly. To my disappointment, the pill didn't taste like anything. It was just neutral.
Tim also took one and we went back. We found the others and danced, drank a lot and then it happened. I already was drunk, so I didn't make a big deal about seeing everything double and feeling a little confused, but the second the DJ changed the song, suddenly a heat wave fluted my whole body. I gasped, my eyes widened. I had stopped dancing, my friends and everybody else still did.
Everybody was around me, dancing, moving, shouting. They were coming closer. Looking at me. Touching me. Closer. Heat.
Everything in my head was turning. My head was turning, the room was turning. Turning. Swat showed on my forehead, adrenalin pumped through my veins. My heart beat. Fast. Faster. I tried to find a way out of here. My eyes flew over the people, but there was no space. Just people. Arms around me, hair, faces, bodies. My hands went to my head, trying to hold it. Holding it together, holding me together. But everybody was still here, was close. I couldn't escape. Helplessness climbed my body, claustrophobia appeared. Heat. Closeness. Turning. Faster, no air. Gasping. Help. Faster.
Exploding.
My legs gave in and I fell down. The ground was hard, sticky. Feet. The turning stopped. I saw so many colors. Disco light. Heat. Bright. Blending. And that noise. Music, horribly loud music. Beats. Headache. Help. Pain. I closed my eyes, hyperventilating. And then everything stopped.
I didn't feel the heat, all the people seemed to disappear. Adrenalin vanished, my heart beat slowed down. Colors changed to black. One breath. Long. Pause. Breath.
My heart slowed. Slower. Breath. Slower. Stop.
And then everything was just … nothing.

Salvation

- when you can't go on -

I jump. Adrenalin flutes through my veins. I laugh. It’s not an afraid laugh, not a desperate one. It's full of liberation, relief.
The freezing wind closes my eyes. Slowly I stretch out my arms, but overthrow further in the nothingness, though.
How long am I going to fall? Three seconds, five? I don't know, but I don't care.
I've thought so frequently about this moment in the last time. I've longed it, prepared myself.
It hasn't been long that I made this decision. The decision to end everything. Everything. All the weird looks from my classmates. The bad grades. The following punishment from my parents. Their never given love to me. They don't even pretend to love me. They just thought about themselves, never about me.
In earlier times that thought, that knowledge would have hurt me, but I got used to it. As much as you can get used to the fact that your own parents repel you. They wouldn't miss me. But who would?
Friends? Which Friends?
Though there are always people around me, they can’t be called friends. They try to have as little contact with me as possible. They ignored me, looked through me. Trying to avoid my eyes, as if they were toxic.
Relatives? Same as with my parents. Just don’t do too much for the others, yourself is most important,
Acquaintances? Those don't even recognize me. Were just seeing the girl which I seemed to be. The dark dressed girl who never spoke to anyone. Who always ignored everyone. The girl who doesn't seem to belong here. And I dint.
Nobody saw my inside. Nobody saw the scared, tormented girl, who’s never experienced love or consolation, to whom the words hope and trust are alien. The girl, nobody cares about. That nobody’s going to miss.
That’s the reason for my decision. Though they've never done anything for me, I’d help them. Now they don't have to try to ignore me anymore, instead of looking in my face and seeing all the pain. And then avert the sight. They don’t have to bear me and my presence. I facilitate their life.
That’s why I went to the bridge, I looked down. In the deepness, just seeing blackness and nothingness. The darkness of the night.
And then I jumped.
It feels like that event was more intense than my whole life before. Like all my senses would be opened for everything now. I hear the wind, he rushes past my ears. I feel it, as he goes by, doesn't slow me down. I enjoy the feeling of the free fall, it’s the best feeling I've ever had.
Maybe I should be scared, but I’m not. Maybe I should be desperate, but it seemed like the wind blew everything away, all the negative feelings.
Maybe I should think about what’s going to happen next. If maybe anybody would care. If anybody would pretend to care. Maybe I should think about what’s going to happen to me. Is there a heaven? A hell? Am I considered a murderer, because I plunge myself in the death? I have no idea, but I don’t care. It’s too late, anyway.
I enjoy the here and now. And really, it’s a pleasure. A pleasure to know that I am really able to feel everything. A pleasure to know that everything will end in just a bit.
Just a few hear beats and the only thread which holds me in that world will be torn. Finally.
For the last time in my life I take a deep breath and welcome the death with a blissful smile on my face.

Cut

- now look, what you've done to me -

Love is red.
Wrong.
Anger is red.
Hate is red.
Blood is red.
I am red. I’m angry, full of hate. And everything around me is red. Everywhere around me is blood, my blood. On the floor, on the walls, the mirror, the sink, on me. Slowly it quills out of the tender cuts on my wrists, my soles, my side.
In my hand I hold the knife which bears the blame for all that blood. No. Wrong again. It has just helped. Has helped them, who are responsible for all that red. It’s not only one person, no. There are more of them. And everybody took his part in it. They wounded me. Let me perish, slowly and painfully.
I know that I don’t speak a lot. I never did. I prefer listening to the conversations of others. Prefer being alone, by myself. But they don’t seem to like it that way. They do as If it was something bad, when I open my mouth so rarely. They showed me my otherness. Wounded me.

“Look! There she is again, sitting alone in that corner!”
Their nervous glances wandered in my direction. Looked at me dismissively.
“I bet she thinks she’s better than us!”
A dry laugh. Quickly I lowered my head, let the hair be a curtain between me and them. Didn't want to see them, didn't want to be seen. Want to be alone.
“C'mon, let her be. When you live in your won world, you don’t have friends!”
I could literally see her, turning her eyes and starting guffawing.
As if she was something better. As if she earned the laugh, that followed. The laughing, that actually wasn't only for her, but also for me. Unfortunately in a positive way for her and a negative for me.
“Yeah, you’re right. She should be alone, nobody wants to do anything with her!”
I could hear them averting, walking off laughing.
And let me perish, slowly and painfully.

And that’s what you call class community. Whoever wants to be with those people – please. Really. In my class they’d soon need someone new who they can welcome everyday with their taunt; someone to sweeten his day with laughter and who lies every evening in his bed, crying due to their disregard and questioning the sense of the life.
Not even my parents help. What, you mean there are no parents who don’t care about their child? Wrong. There are parents like that. Mine, for instance.
I know that I’m not a child a pregnant mother would wish. I’m not the happy child, that you can proudly show your relatives. I’m not the good student, with whom you can brag in front of all the other parents. I’ll never be like that. But apparently that’s not what they want. If they could have chosen, I’d be somebody else. And because I’m, not like that person, they kind of ignore me. Openly they show me that they don’t want me. They repel me. Hurt me.

“Why can’t you just shut up?!”
What a nice answer for closing the door. Okay, it wasn't that silent, but I closed it. Normally they complained when I let it open. Now they don’t want me to close it. What do they want from me?
Slowly I shambled into the kitchen. Both were sitting at the table, not giving me a single glance. They spooned their soup as if nothing has happened. Of course they only made some for themselves, not for me. If I was lucky, there was some left in the kitchen. But I wasn't. Yawning emptiness.
With a sigh I wanted to start cooking something for myself, when I heard someone behind me. I whirled around, prepared for the worst. But nothing really happened. No word was said. Just his finger pointed straight to the door. Tormented I lowered my head. They weren't in a good mood, then. I had to go and find somewhere else to eat; wasn't allowed to use their groceries. As if I wasn't their child.
As I left the house in silence, I heard them sighing annoyed. They sat down again and continued eating their soup in their faked idyll.
And let me perish, slowly and painfully.

And that’s what you call good parents nowadays. Fine, whoever wants to have them, can take them. It won’t be long and they won’t have anyone who they can ignore. Though they probably won’t even realize it. That small, ugly person isn't going to be missed by them.
I know that I’m not that pretty. I've never been. But I didn't care. Till they told me, till they rubbed my nose in it. Hurt me.

“But you know that that shirt would look way better on me? I mean, with your figure it’s not that advantageous.”
Critically, she looked up and down on me. Her voice was loud, everybody within three meters looked at me. And that were a lot.
It was eventually Summer Sale in the most famous shop in town. And she really wanted me to go with her.
“But I don’t know if you’d find anything better, anyway. I don’t want to be rude or something, but if I were you, I’d take it gladly.”
She smiled at me gloatingly and I’d rather sink into the ground. Behind her, I saw a few other girls who whisper with held hand as if they were seven and not seventeen.
Also the boys had seen what was going on, pointed at me and didn't hide their mocking laughing. Quickly I lowered my now red head, while she stood next to me with her perfect body in great clothes, smilingly turning her eyes.
And let me perish, slowly and painfully.

And that’s what I called my best friend. Who doesn't already have something better, take her. She’ll be free soon.
A drama, that’s what all that was. I've never thought that I’d relate theater and death. But I did. I thought about my theater teacher, how he stood on the stage, yelling out “Cut!”, when the scene was finished.
And that Cut was it, I thought of when I attached the knife on my neck. When I pressed it on it smilingly and severed it.
When I ended my life. Cut!

Impressum

Texte: Sophie Bramberger
Bildmaterialien: sweetandtalented.com / Alexis Bedel
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 14.12.2012

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