* * *

LSD Trilogy – Part 3: scarred

by KLeenaGirl
Finished December 31st, 2009

For Bee
because her integrity is a sole enlightenment

* * *


Serena had her eyes closed, as she felt a warm hand caressing her cheek. Her lids fluttered open and a genuine smile spread over her face. She sensed an overwhelming feeling of happiness swelling inside of her and as it began to rise higher and higher, she found herself speechless. Opening her mouth, she tried to express what she was experiencing right now, but the sensation was too strong. Instead her pink lips appreciated his long, loving kiss, which let her dive even deeper into the security of care and comfort. When they finally parted, she looked up into his beautiful, brown eyes and gathered up all the strength she could still find after that amazing kiss to say something. „I’ve missed you.”
„I know”, he breathed against her tender skin. With his index finger he brushed through her hair. „But I’m back now. I love you.” He leaned forward to give her a quick peck onto the forehead.
She giggled quietly, but once caught by his eyes again, she became very silent. Thoughtfully she cupped his face in her hand, as if she needed to feel the texture of his skin to realize this wasn’t a dream. Her delicate fingers wandered over his handsome features, while she felt vindicated of his presence. „Promise me you’ll stay.” Her voice was wispy, she didn’t want to ruin this moment of salvation. She frowned, fearing his answer.
„I love you”, he repeated and blinked back at her.
Not quite pleased by his words, she shook her head slightly. „I know. I love you, too.” Still holding his face in her hands, she pulled him closer, narrowing the space between them. „But I need you to promise me.”
His loving gaze suddenly turned sad. „I love you”, he said again. „I’m sorry, Serena.” His voice continued, as his figure began to vanish right in front of her.
„No”, the girl shouted and tried to grasp him again. Though, the surface of his skin was soon nothing else than thin air between her fingers and she closed her fist until her knuckles showed white, and her slim body started shaking like a leave in the autumn, threatening to fall from its tree.
The sound of sirens rushed through her brains, the warmth was substituted with a cold you would remember to feel on a lonely winter night.
„Lucas had an accident this evening. He’s dead.”

No more rosy skin, all pale. A dead body, a corpse.
„He isn’t going to wake up.”

But he was here, a second ago! It can’t be true.
„Serena, it was not your fault – “

But what if it was? Yes, it was. Rethinking the whole events of that particular evening, she had to realize how recklessly she had acted, how egoistic. Visions of his parents appeared in her mind. Grieving and caring parents, who had lost their son due to her. She had failed. She had truly failed them all.
The darkness around her was stretched out on everything and about to devour her wholly. She didn’t fight it. It was her sentence for failing. Serena had already resigned to it, when she jerked terrified at a hand capturing her wrist in an icy, tight grip. A flicker of light grazed across and she found herself staring into the lifeless and hollow eyes of his.
„LUCAS!” The scream cut through the night and tore her awake. Serena’s back arched forward and in one quick movement her chest was pulled up, her head falling forward, so that she was now in a sitting position. Her breasts heaved because her lungs were struggling to breathe. Eyes wide opened she could see the contours of her hands seizing the blanket’s fabric in the darkened room. The explosion of panic inside her heart wouldn’t leave, no matter how hard she tried to calm herself. „It was a nightmare”, she told herself in her mind over and over again, before starting to speak her perception out loud. „Only a nightmare, it was only a nightmare.” Her throat was sore and catchy, as if she had been screaming very loud and very long. On wobbly legs, she stood up and opened the balcony door. Frosty wind entered and brought in the smell of snow. Serena froze, her heated body quickly cooled. Leaning against the frame, she watched the sleeping city outside. Hamburg, this was the place her heart belonged to. So many memories, good and bad, were attached to this town. She had managed to regain her self-composure again, yet she was still scared about having such a nightmare. It wasn’t something completely new to her. In fact, she had had endless nights of dreaming about Lucas and his death. And there had been times, when it had been far worse than simple nightmares. She had begun to hear his voice out of nowhere and had seen him, Lucas, standing at the school yard, strolling through the park or watching her in the bus. Shaking her head, she felt stupid of herself. These occurrences had been only temporary and dispersed a few weeks after the funeral. Serena was a rational person, she didn’t believe in God, resurrection or ghosts for that matter. Sure, such dreams and coincidences had scared her, but she was over it now. At least, she had believed she had left this part of her life behind.
Why had she dreamt of him tonight? Was it because she was here, in Hamburg? Because she had been lying in his bed? Had the memories forced the nightmare upon her? His touch, his kiss, the texture of his skin – it had all felt so real and so intensive. Her fear made room for confusion. Sinking deeper into her thoughts, she gripped the heart-shaped pendant of the necklace and enfolded it. „Lucas.” The word left her lips in the way a prayer would.


* * *


„Could you pass me the sugar?” Jenny asked and took the pink mug filled with coffee, „Serena, are you listening?”
Serena jumped. „Wh-What?” She lowered her head. „I’m sorry, what did you say?”
„The sugar”, Jenny answered, „oh, sweetheart, what’s wrong? You haven’t been yourself this morning.” Passing her the sugar, Serena replied, „I know. It’s just…I had a pretty ugly nightmare last night.” She dodged her friend’s knowing gaze to signal her I-don’t-wanna-talk-about-it attitude. Jenny noticed, but she had to ask her anyway. „About Lucas?” The quiet staring at the kitchen table was more than clear to Jenny. „I guess you don’t want to tell me about it, but maybe it could help you.” Comfortingly she put her hand on Serena’s shoulder. „I have been having a lot of dreams about him since he deceased. I’m scared each and every time, but I know that’s my subconscious trying to manage my grief.”
Serena listened up. Jenny’s way of explaining the dreams made sense. It might be really for the best to tell her. She had learned in the past that swallowing down and hiding your problems only made things worse and more confusing for everyone. Being Lucas’ sister, Jenny would understand her feelings, she always had. Serena was close to her, almost as close as she had been to Lucas himself. Still not able to raise her view, she said in a low voice, „I haven’t had such intense nightmares about him for two years.”
„Maybe it’s because of this place. And his room. I feel with you, I know how hard it is.”
Gaining a little more confidence, she continued half curiously half afraid, „Have you ever”, Serena hesitated, „it sounds crazy, I know, but have you ever seen Lucas after his death?”
„Yes.” Serena lifted her head in surprise, hearing this. „I have felt him around the first few times. And then I began to see him. Those happenings weren’t long – flickering moments. Like I was reliving a dream for a split second. He was always gone within the blink of an eye. But yes, I have seen him.”
A relieved smile displayed on Serena’s lips. „Thank goodness. I thought I’ve gone crazy then, during the time while and after the funeral.”
„You haven’t.” The girls sat in silence, unspoken understanding dwelled between them. „Just so you know”, Jenny said with caution, „I really appreciate you being here. I don’t think I could deal with this without you. Even though Lucas isn’t with us anymore, you will always be my sister.”
Serena’s heart grew soft. „Aww, Jenny, that’s so nice of you. Come here” She embraced Jenny and another nostalgic feeling arose within her. But this one didn’t make her sad. No, this one was a sign of hope.
„Alright now”, Serena said, „it’s time to go.”
„Are you sure you’re okay?” Jenny worried.
„Yes, I’ll be fine. Let’s go.”
Jenny nodded and the two sisters

left the Newmans’ house to head toward the next subway station.


* * *


„Here we are again”, Serena said and faced the young man. David looked so much fitter now than in the time shortly after his return. His hair had grown and he obviously had gained some weight again. Still, he wasn’t back to the David she once knew. His face was marked, you could see the tiredness in his capturing eyes. If she thought about it, every one of them had changed so much since Lucas had passed away. Even though, it was yet another time to say goodbye, Serena didn’t hold any feelings of regret and utterly sadness. She was glad she had the chance to spend some days with her closest friends and to share the nice memories with them.
„Yeah, here we are”, David confirmed and found themselves in the tower hall at Hamburg Airport. „It was good to see you, both of you.” He smiled at the two girls, who returned the expression. „Thank you for the invite, Jenny.”
„I have to say thanks”, Jenny spoke softly, „It helps me so greatly to deal with my brother’s death and his obit, when you two are around.”
„Do you really have to return to England so soon?” Serena asked, „I still have a few days of holidays and I bet it would be no problem for you to stay a bit longer.”
David raised his arm and held it against his neck. Laughing, he excused himself. „I would love to. But you see, the United Kingdom needs me.”
Serena giggled and Jenny stuck out his tongue at him. „Oh, Newton, you can be so un-funny sometimes!”
After taking a breath, his voice turned serious. „I have to go now. I’ll probably come back in summer.”
„Alright”, Serena cheered, much to the young man’s surprise, „we’ll throw you a big birthday party then!”
„Okay, I’ll take you up on that, Serena. See you soon, okay?” Exchanging quick hugs, he grabbed his suitcase, ready to check in. „One more thing”, he suddenly declared, „Take good care of each other!”


* * *


Gosh, she missed them so dearly! Life back at home had become so boring by now. David sent a lot of letters to her and bunches of e-mails and she tried to phone Jenny at least once a week. But still…it wasn’t the same anymore. And Adam hadn’t reappeared, either.
Serena sighed mentally and looked out of the window. The green trees outside rushed by and were soon replaced by grey skyscrapers and cranes. Finally

, she thought and noticed her heart beat becoming faster. The train slowed down and eventually stopped, when it arrived at the Hamburg Main Station. Pulling her suitcase with her, Serena entered the platform and eyed her surroundings. The familiar place was full of hurrying and foreign people, though this place held a note of home.
„SERENA!” An excited voice suddenly shouted. Startled, Serena lifted her head to see Jenny standing at the top of the landing. Within a few seconds, Jenny made her way downstairs and through the mass of people. „I’m so happy that you’re here again!” She smiled and threw her arms around her guest. Serena returned the embrace and a smile slowly spread out all over her face. „Me, too.” Some people, having noticed the sudden outburst of them, turned their heads, but the girls didn’t care. Jenny pulled away a little and pressed an amicable kiss onto her cheek. „I’ve got so much to tell you! Oh, and David has called me earlier. He’d said that we could meet up with him at his father’s house this evening.”
„He’s already here?”
„Yes, he took a flight this morning. Guess, he hasn’t forgotten your words!”
„Then we’d better not let him wait!”


* * *


„Happy Birthday, Davy”, wrapping her arms around him in a tight embrace Serena added, „I wish you all the very best!”
„Thank you, sweetheart”, the birthday boy replied quietly, returning the embrace. His hands were placed on her slim waist, holding her close to him a few seconds longer than necessary. When she pulled away, he sighed. „Geez, twenty already…time passes by so quickly.”
Serena flashed a smile at him. „Oh come on, you’re not old. You should be happy about becoming so…” She turned silent for a moment. He could almost sense the thoughts running behind that pretty forehead of hers, but wasn’t able to read them, not even by concentrating on her green eyes. Suddenly those began to sparkle immensely and she continued. „Mature.”
„Mature?” A voice, unknown to Serena, said. „Are you kidding me? He’s still a kid at heart.” She swirled around to see a boy – no, more likely a young man – approaching them. A blue cap covered his short, dark blonde hair. He was about the same height as David, but he was much bigger. Not necessarily in weight, but in the size of his shoulders and limbs. Without further words, he held out a hand to the girl, which she took suspiciously. Shaking it, he introduced himself, „Hi, I’m Shane.” A boyish grin appeared on the foreigner’s features. „Dave’s future-boyfriend

.”
Serena’s face fell. „What the – ? David, what’s the meaning of this?”
„He’s being a fool”, David rolled his eyes. He was annoyed that Shane had ruined Serena’s compliment to him. „Don’t listen to him, sister.”
Now it was Shane’s turn to look surprised. His eyes widened, while he echoed, „Sister? So you’re the infamous person my friend always talks about!”
Unsettled, her gaze wandered back to David, whose face was growing red. „I don’t know…but hi, I’m Serena”, she explained friendly.
„Great, now that the two of you know each other, we can start with the party”, David’s loud voice said promptly. Pushing his friends along the corridor, he forced out a nervous laugh, „Let’s go.”
Oh, how much Serena loved big houses! And the villa of David’s father, here in Hamburg, was even more awesome than the one in her hometown. The living room was already decorated with garlands and flower arrangements. Stunned by the beautiful room, she didn’t notice all the people gathered up at the main table. Everyone important was here. Sebastian, André, along with other cousins of Lucas and Jenny, a lot of David’s old school friends and Jenny also had already found a place at the table. „Hey Serena, what are you waiting for? Let’s give our present to Newton!”


* * *


The warm summer air faded slowly, replaced by darkness and a sky filled with stars. Some guests had already left and Serena had just said goodbye to Jenny, when she stepped outside onto the balcony. She looked across the sky and settled her gaze onto Hamburg’s skyline. A wary memory washed over her, returning her nightmare of last winter for an instance, though it vanished fast before her eyes, after she had realized that there was another presence next to her.
Serena leaned forward and supported her weight with her elbows resting against the railings. „Were you serious?” She asked with a small smile, „About David, I mean.”
Shane raised an eyebrow at her. „In what respect? I like him. I know, he’s not gay, unlike me…but that doesn’t change the fact that I will try.”
Serena could hear a slight nuance of jealously between his lines. Soft laughter erupted from her chest. „That’s okay. I’m just a friend of his. It’s Davy’s business who’ll receive his affection.”
Shane’s voice sounded amused. „But I’m afraid your Davy’s as straight as an arrow.”
Both shared a short moment of laughing before Serena became silent again. Her eyes were unfocused and her empty look was directed at some distant buildings of the illuminated city. The last sunset’s colourful marks had transformed into a deep blue summer night. She consciously lowered her head. „Shane”, she addressed him, „how close are you and David?” The question had been burning on her tongue the whole evening. „Do you know about his – ?”
„Leukaemia?” The boy guessed. She could feel him watching her intently from the side before he decided to answer more concretely. „Yes, I was the only one, beside his parents of course, who knew about the disease.”
Serena shot a questioning glare at him. „He didn’t tell anyone else? Why?” Her mind was dealing with the new information in the meanwhile. Shane had said he was the only one who had been told by David. But Serena knew for sure that Lucas had been informed as well. So now she was wondering, how much exactly did Shane know about David? Was he aware of all the things happened with David, Lucas and her in the past or was it still all a secret to him?
„To be honest…He told me about you, actually a lot about you, that’s why I couldn’t understand that he didn’t tell you about the Leukaemia.” Shane averted his gaze, as he continued. „I don’t mean to sound cruel, but I thought you must be a horrible person for the fact that he didn’t trust you with his secret.”
Pale red lips opened and an inaudible gasp escaped them. Looking up again, he could clearly see the hurt in the young girl’s eyes. He quickly backpedalled. „I’m sorry, I didn’t want to put it like that. That had been my guess in the beginning. I thought he didn’t want to tell you because of the fear that you might abandon him, if you knew he was suffering from Leukaemia. Though, as time went by, I figured out what was behind David’s attitude.” He took a deep breath. „David cares about you so much. There wasn’t a single day, when he did not speak of you. Or think of you. He wanted to protect you.”
Serena was touched. Her anger at David had passed long time ago. She understood his reasons for his behaviour by now, although it always reminded her of how she hadn’t had the chance to be there for him.
„But there’s something more to it. My theory is that he needed you as a constant in his life. The only thing sane. I don’t know that much about his parents, but I noticed that the relationship is kind of tense. And the diagnosis of Leukaemia, well, isn’t easy to deal with. So the thought of you being okay gave him hope.”
Without realizing it, tears had welled up in her green eyes. Words failed her completely.
„In the end, I guess, you were his saviour. The one person that kept him from losing his mind. And obviously my impression of the two of you had been right.”
She didn’t understand, but the following sentence enlightened her.
„Sometimes I think you’re the only person in the whole world David truly cares about.”
There was a heavy pain inside of her throat from suppressing all her upset emotions. Breathing shallow, she whispered a heart-breaking „Thank you” into the night.
„There you are guys!” A smooth voice cheered. „Jenny asks if you really wanna stay here tonight? She said there’s always room for you at hers.”
Serena put on a happy expression, trying to push away all her mixed feelings for this moment. „That’s nice, but I know that there are already so many people staying at the Newman’s. So I think I’ll stay here overnight.” She smiled. Serena loved Jenny, but she really didn’t want to spend this night in Lucas’ old room. The fear of another nightmare and the overwhelming grief the room held wouldn’t be bearable tonight. It was David’s birthday and she wanted to enjoy herself. „If that’s okay with you, Dave?”
„Sure, sis. You can have the guest room and I’ll share the couch with Shane.”
Shane’s ears perked up at this and Serena laughed. „How gentleman-like of you, brother. But it’ll be okay if we both take the bed in the guest room. It’s big enough for two.”
„Whatever you want”, he replied, feeling relieved that he didn’t have to spend the night with his snoring friend. Said one however, Shane, was crushed at the sight of his lost chance with his crush.


* * *


Awkward. That was the word describing the scene the best. Both on their left side, facing the window, knees bent and almost touching each other. Awkward, yet comfortable, Serena decided. She could hear David’s breath deepen and realized he had already fallen asleep. She, on the contrary, didn’t feel like sleeping at all. But this time her thoughts weren’t racing about Lucas, any nightmares or things connected with Adam. Shane’s words kept coming back into her mind.
„Sometimes I think you’re the only person in the whole world David truly cares about.”

It was nice to know there was someone who really cared for you, though she had never realized how important she must have been for him. Reflecting upon her memories from the good old times with Lucas and the Newmans around, she noticed that back then, David had been her saviour, actually. It was true, Lucas had stopped her from killing herself, but it had been the Newton’s mansion which had become her home. Her place of shelter, her refuge.
So many nights, she had lain awake wishing those times back so badly. She still missed them, and Lucas, now, although tonight something had changed. The fear of walking through all this alone was gone. Serena wasn’t afraid of the future anymore. Because it seemed all so plausible in this moment: She was David’s constant. And he was hers.
As long as they would be together to share the ugly past and its secrets, it would be okay. She would be okay. Serena’s thoughts were interrupted, when she felt a warm hand sliding around her waist, pulling her a little bit closer. Her back touched his chest. Surprisingly she didn’t become uneasy at this. Quite the opposite, the fact of David holding her unconsciously just confirmed her realization. Calming down instantly, she closed her eyes to find some very needed rest.
„Serena.”
Her eyes flew open immediately. Was he awake?
In a whispered voice, she asked, „Davy?”
Straining her ears she tried to understand his answer. He was saying something, though it took her a while to make out his words. „I’m sorry”, he breathed into her brown hair. „I’m so sorry.”
Alerted and worried, she turned around to find him still asleep next to her. So was he dreaming? „It’s all my fault.” He said her name again, but this time is was already a soft cry. Serena put her hand on his cheek. „Hey, David”, she soothed him, „it’s okay. I’m here.” The stiffened body relaxed a bit, even though his eyes were twitching now. David opened them. After blinking a couple of times to focus, he grumbled, „Serena?” There were traces of panic left on her features. „What’s wrong? What happened?”
Relief filled her inside and she pushed herself up to sit on the mattress. „You tell me. Did you have a nightmare?”
„Why you’re asking?”
„’Cause you were talking. In your sleep.”
His eyes bore through her heart. She had to ask him.
„What are you sorry for? Why do you keep apologizing to me? And what is your fault?”
David’s mouth opened and closed. He was searching for the right words, but any words used to confess the following would never be right, for they were deadly wrong.
„It’s my fault.”
„What is?” Serena’s patience became running on short. „Tell me.”
„Lucas’ death.”
A puzzled expression replaced her impatient one. „What do you mean by that?”
„You weren’t the last one to talk with him. I was.” By now, he was sitting in front of her, his eyes fixed on her hands folded in her lap. „He told me about your…fight. He was very upset and didn’t want to go to his soccer training.” A shallow breath. „I tried to cheer him up. Told him to power off his frustrations.” A heavy gulp. „At his soccer training. So he went off.” The voice cut through her surroundings, as she realized what David had just told her. „Because I’d told him to.”
Sadness, disappointment, anger – Serena didn’t know how to react. The words sank into her mind and she was suddenly faced with a pair of crystal blue eyes. The moonlight entering the room was enough to make them glow. Pale red lips trembled. „How can you…?” The girl began, though she had to start again. „How can you…? HOW CAN YOU BE LIKE THIS!” The scream escaped her throat, while she stood up and jumped from the bed. However, David was quick to follow her as she walked through the room. „Serena, I wanted to tell you…”
„You wanted to tell me? WHEN?” She snapped at him. Rage gripped her completely now. „When I had blamed myself to death? You knew, how I’ve felt, you knew how hard the guilt weighed down on me! It had almost destroyed me!”
„Serena, I can understand you’re angry, but please…”
„No please! For fuck’s sake I SLEPT WITH YOU!” Her yell left him speechless. „Because the fault made me go mad!” She grabbed her jeans and hurried to pull it over. The nightshirt still wearing, she picked up her jacket and slipped on her shoes. David just stood there, dumbfounded and overcharged. „I can’t believe you used me like that.”
„Serena, it was never like that, I promise! It wasn’t my intention to use you. What I feel for you is real!” His plead fell on deaf ears, instead she continued to let out all of her sudden madness.
„I don’t wanna hear it, Newton. No more promises from you.” Serena had already opened the door, flinging into the dark corridor. The young man still followed and switched on the lamp. „Serena, wait please! Don’t jump the gun right now!”
And to his surprise she did stop. And turned to him. „I can’t believe how I could ever trust you. I hate you, David. I FUCKING HATE YOU!” The house’s front door fell into lock with a crashing sound.
„Serena!” His body slackened. He had lost her. Again. Panic spread out in his brain and nerves system, as his eyes remained staring at the cold metallic front door. Not even, as another person entered the corridor, did his state change.
„What the hell has happened?”
Shane’s question stayed unanswered.


* * *

„Serena, hi, this is David. You weren’t at Jenny’s, so I can only guess you returned home. If you’re back already, let me know.”

„Hey, it’s me again. David. It’s been two days and I haven’t heard from you. I know you’re angry and you probably have every right to…but please call me back.”

„Serena, this is getting serious. Jenny is worried about you, as well. I beg you, contact at least one of us, so we can be sure you’re okay. Okay?”

„I’m so sorry, Serena. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I really want to make it up to you. Please call me back.”

„Serena? Are you there? I know you are…okay, I know you don’t want to talk to me, but…look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, I am…all I ask from you is one chance to explain…”

„Serena, I can’t stand this anymore…I’m so afraid for you. It’s been nearly a week now…and we still haven't seen or heard a sign of you. Just answer the damn phone, or I’ll-“
„Or you’ll do what?” Her annoyed voice snapped at him, after Serena had picked up her phone. Her answering machine had been overloaded by bunches of messages. She couldn’t stand it anymore, his wailing and weeping on her answering machine. It was pathetic.
„You’re there”, a strangled gasp came back.
„Obviously”, Serena commented. Rolling her eyes, she added in a bitter tone, „What d’you want?”
„I’m so sorry, Serena, I-“
„Stuff it, Newton”, she cut him off sharply, „I said what d’you want?”
„I’ve gotta talk to you.”
„So?”
„I’ll be in your hometown tomorrow by…say 5 pm. Can you come over to the mansion then?”
So he was still in Hamburg and hadn’t taken the flight back to Great Britain together with Shane, the girl on the phone guessed. „If that’s all.” She was about to hang up, when the desperate boy spoke up once more.
„I can take it you’ll be there then?”
„Sure…” She sighed expressively. „Whatever.”


* * *


With trembling hands – because of the madness – she stood in front of the Newton mansion’s front door. Even though, Serena would never say so, heart was beating like crazy and she feared the unexpected on this late afternoon. Oh how much she would like to turn and run away, but there was no going back now. She wouldn’t let herself be intimidated by David. No, she wouldn’t be afraid of this idiot.
„There you are”, David greeted her, as he opened the door. „Come in.”
Suspiciously Serena entered the familiar house. Not even bothering to sit down she walked straight into her favourite room – the living room. Arms crossed over chest, she faced him. „You wanted to talk? Talk.”
David winced at the cold words. He knew his chance to be forgiven was lower than ever. „Serena, I know I should have told you about this earlier, so much earlier…” Struggling with himself, he kept going, „But I couldn’t risk the possibility of losing you. You’re my everything, Serena…I meant what I said in Hamburg…my feelings for you…“ The young man stepped closer to the girl. Tentatively he lay a hand on her shoulder. „Serena…I love you.”
As if she had been shot, Serena jumped back and freed herself from his gentle grip. „What the hell are you saying there?” She shook her head violently. „You can’t love me, you can’t.”
„Serena”, his voice grew soft, „I’ve loved you for so long, without myself even knowing it. But when I came back last year and told you about my disease and stuff, I figured out my true feelings for you. I love you”, he repeated.
She couldn’t stop her mouth from falling open. „That’s ridiculous, David. You. Cannot. Love. Me.”
„And why is that that you’re so sure about it?”
„Because there’s no possibility that we could ever be together.” Serena was shocked by his surprising confession. That had thrown her world upside down instantly. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. She wanted to be with Lucas, just like back then! She wanted to be friends with David, just like back then!
„Even if I loved you, David, I can’t see a chance for us”, she exclaimed, „and after all what you've told me in Hamburg, I can’t keep up our friendship.”
„Serena, no!” David shouted and approached her, but it was no use. The girl only backed further away.
„I have to, David”, her voice cracked, „You have no idea how hard it was for me to shoulder all the blame. And how many nights I spent crying and just wanted to die because I had killed Lucas.” Salty drops of liquid already began trailing down her pale cheeks, making her eyes look glassy. „I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t fucking breathe! And it wouldn’t have been like that, if it weren’t for you, David!” She shrieked and stabbed her finger at his chest. „YOU! It’s your fault I lost him! It’s your fault he died! It’s your fucking fault that I can’t be happy!” All agony and pain, hidden behind her walls, were bursting out of her fragile mind. The hot, angry tears were spilling all over her face now. „I meant what I said in Hamburg, too! I hate you, David. I hate you so much.” She leaned in and spit out the words fiercely. „And I NEVER ever want to see you again!”
And before David could stop her, she was gone.


* * *


Serena felt unbelievable cold and it was the middle of June, dammit! With hurrying steps she walked along the street and used her arms to hug herself. Closing her eyes for a brief second, she was instantly reminded of a situation quite similar to this one.
Jenny’s birthday party, four years ago. Four years ago.

Realization hit her hard and Serena came to an abrupt halt. She had gotten to know Lucas and David that night. Her right hand ghosted over her side to feel the faint mark beneath the clothing’s fabric. Everything that was left behind from their time together was this thin line, grazing her smooth skin, almost untouchable. Serena regretted leaving her jacket at home. The shivering wouldn’t stop, though she couldn’t be sure whether it was only because of the coldness or whether it was caused by her difficult emotional state.
She kept on walking and sorrow replaced her anger. What had happened to them? What had broken them apart? Had she been the origin of all problems right from the start?
Filled with doubts and fears, she reached her family’s house. By now, she just wanted to go in and fall right into her bed. Accidentally, her gaze wandered down to see something lying on the doormat. A letter, addressed to her, Serena.

The handwriting was elegant, yet manly, and she didn’t need to look twice to know that it came from David. Despite her argument with him, she kneeled down and picked up the piece of paper. However, she had no intention to open it.
Finally alone her room, she put it onto her bedside locker. No, Serena didn’t want to read it. She didn’t need another bunch of pathetic apologies or any more complicated feelings and confessions. She just wanted to sleep. But rest was difficult to find for her this night. Her thoughts continued racing around in circles, going round and round, never finding a solution. It wasn’t surprising that she didn’t sleep at all. When sunrise began early in the morning, Serena stood up annoyed. Her view fell down onto the letter. Something inside her wanted to know what was written in it, but another voice told her to forget about it. She was in a pretty bad mood right now, so she decided to wait a little. Stowing the paper into her cupboard, it was at least out of her sight.
Shaking her head, as if she wanted to shake herself free of all doubts and madness, she grabbed her things and went off to school. During the day she kept her attitude. There was no way she would let this get to her. This year was important for her because she was about to pass her intermediated exams.
She arrived at home late in the afternoon and buried herself in books and homework. This was how it went on in the following week. And soon – and almost too easily – Serena had forgotten about the letter.
Well, not exactly forgotten, but her interest in its content became less and less as the days passed by. She was studying for biology and was reading a text about white blood cells, when David crossed her mind suddenly. Of course, all those things about leucoplasts she connected immediately with Leukaemia and him. Serena sighed. Deep down she knew she couldn’t neglect the letter forever. A bit reluctantly, she stood up, took the paper out of her cupboard and opened it.

Serena,

If you’re reading this, then you’ve already made your decision. I’m sad it turned out this way, but I guess it couldn’t be helped.
As hard as it is, I can understand your feelings and your hatred. And I know hatred tends to solve no one’s problem. One must solve the hatred before. So that’s why I respect your decision.
Just so you know, Lucas and I loved you, I still do. You were our protégée, our little sister and our best friend. We never wanted to humiliate you, we just wanted to spend comfort. Things between the three of us had been rough from the beginning. We had to leave you and that was probably the biggest mistake, not only mine, but Lucas’, too. I guess that is the one thing I regret the most.
The thing that cracked us the most, however, was definitely what happened in Hamburg. Both the incident and the aftermath. You were down to the ground like you were once, when we found you so many years ago. I thought we could deal with it together, we could manage all the misery. But it was futile. In the end, we failed. Because I failed you.
I broke the promises, just like Lucas did when he died on us. But he didn’t break them on purpose, as I did. I had left you once more, hell I’m just leaving you again – though, it’s your wish this time – I had lied to you once more and I had made you feel the way I had promised to never let you feel again. When it comes down to it, all promises got shattered. Just like us. I mean, there isn’t even an us anymore. Just some strangers, messing with other people’s life. You won’t deny it that it was me who ruined your relationship with Adam. I want to be honest. I was jealous of him. I feared that you going away would break LSD apart, boy was I stupid for not realizing that it already had. And I’m not sure anymore what the trouble was that started all of this, the reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did. By now, it had become so complicated that I can’t figure out what’s right for you. Whatever it is, it’ll be wrong for me.
I’m glad I was able to talk to you for one last time, but now I have to say goodbye. Live your life the way you’ve always wanted to. And stop worrying about me.
If we ever meet again, then I hope it’ll be when all our memories are lost and our lives have found their own way, without pain.
If we ever meet again, my mind won’t recognize you, not even my heart or soul. It’ll be like we have never known each other in the first place.

From now on, we’ll be strangers.
goodbye

David

That was all? A few empty words and a ridiculous attempt to excuse him? „You’ve got to be kidding me”, she said under her breath. Rage gripped her fully and the paper was immediately crushed in her fist. Punching forward impulsively, her hand met the glass frame containing a picture of David and her. The notion of this only made her more aggressive. „Fuck”, she hissed. A red spot appeared on the letter, which she had dropped in the process. It was soon accompanied by other drops of blood. Serena examined the bloody mess of her hand. A splinter dug painfully into her palm. Slightly panicked, she managed to forget about her anger and quickly went downstairs into the bathroom. With great carefulness she pulled the glass out of her flesh. Her teeth captured her bottom lip to stop the yelp of pain from escaping. Cold, clear water poured over her hand and wrist. The wound was a deep, but straight and clean cut. Luckily, the pain eased as the bleeding slowed down. Serena looked up into the mirror. Her face was pale, which only made her bloodshot, dark eyes more prominent. They were starting to water, although Serena forbade herself to cry. Streams of silent tears rolled down the colourless skin, while she wrapped a band-aid around her hand. Finished, she raised her arm and wiped the moisture away. „Pull yourself together girl for fuck’s sake”, she swore and left the bathroom.
Serena’s madness was returning. She was not only mad at David now, but at herself, too. Geez, she was mad at everything. She knew she shouldn’t have opened the letter. It had only made things worse. She entered her room, ready to clean up, when she suddenly gasped. Green eyes widened in shock. Her lips remained slightly opened, when she blinked in astonishment. And just like that, that, what she had seen, had disappeared. The girl shook her head. No, she couldn’t have just seen that. She had not just seen him

. Had she? It had been an eternity since she last had experienced such illusions. It couldn’t be happening again

.
„You’re crazy, Serena”, she admonished her mind. She bent down to pick up the splinters. The letter and the photo were put into her cupboard again. She decided to let it stay there for a while because she didn’t plan to deal with it anytime soon.
Stripping out of her t-shirt and trousers, she slipped on her pyjamas. After dousing the light, she lay on her side. Even if she didn’t want to admit it, the sudden and impossible meeting scared her badly. She held her injured hand and pulled her knees closer to her body. Tension kept her muscles rigid, while she desperately tried to escape from her fears and that particular image. Though, it wouldn’t leave her, not even when she closed her eyes tightly.
The image of Lucas Newman standing in her room haunted her throughout the whole night.


* * *


Serena awoke with a start and looked around her. Her room appeared normal and held a calming effect on her. Yesterday’s incident must have been caused by her overflowing fantasy. Yes, it had been just like that. The letter apparently had taken a deep impact on her, making her see such crazy things. She had been out of it that moment. That was all.
Feeling somewhat reassured by this, she got up, dressed and went out to make it through the day.
It was already evening, when Serena came back home. „There had been a call for you this afternoon”, her mother told her, when she was about to go upstairs. „A Mrs Newton, I think. I told her you’d call back.”
„Sure, I will”, Serena faked a smile, „Thanks, Mum.”
Bursting into her room – relieved to find no sign of Lucas in here – she fetched her phone and dialled. Carol had called, so something must have happened to David. All arguments and anger were forgotten right now. She just needed to know that David was okay. Impatiently, her fingers played with the band-aid around her wrist.
„Newton here”, a familiar, though long time not heard voice said.
The words rushed out of Serena’s mouth. „Carol, it’s me – Serena! What’s wrong? Is David okay? Has anything happened to him? Please tell me, I need to know, I –“
„I would, my dear, if you gave me chance to.”
Serena immediately became quiet. „So sorry, Carol. Of course.” David’s mother sounded worried, but not utterly sad. It meant David was still alive. The first wave of relief rolled over her.
„Actually, I wanted to talk to you about my son. I thought you may know what is eating him up.”
Serena didn’t reply.
„He’s been so down, since he came back from Germany. Has something happened over there, my child? Anything that might be the cause of his attitude? You can tell me, my dear, you know that.”
I know, Carol, but I can’t. Not this time.

Serena thought dejectedly. She forced her voice to sound normal, almost cheerful. „I’m sorry, Carol. Everything has been fine, when he was here. I have no idea what’s the matter with him.”
Suspicion sneaked into his mother’s tone. „You sure, my dear? I’m really worried about him.”
„Absolutely”, Serena confirmed and the guilty conscience fretted on her. „Whatever it is, I’m sure he’ll be okay.”
„Alright”, Carol didn’t seem pleased, but at the same time she didn’t press it. „I hope you’ll visit us some time, Serena. I must say I really miss you, my dear.”
„Thank you so much, Carol”, Serena told her, „That would be great. If you excuse me now, I’ve got a lot of work to do.”
„Sure, sweetie. Take care.”
„Yes, Ma’am. Goodbye.” Her finger pushed the red button and disconnected the call. She sighed aloud and her shoulders sank in both shame and easement.
„It’s not very nice of you to lie to Mrs Newton, you know.”
Green eyes widened. Serena swirled around to find her assumption proven true. „Lucas”, she said unconsciously.
„Yes”, he answered. Goosebumps appeared on her arms at the sound of his voice.
„No. You’re not here.” She closed her eyes. „I’m seeing things.” Again.
The presence came closer to her form and she could almost feel the warmth of his body. „I am”, he explained calm and leaned in. „Open your eyes, Serena.” His breath puffed against her cheek, when he whispered. However, Serena didn’t open her eyes. She was too afraid to. She didn’t believe in anything and surely not in ghosts. Why was this happening? It was absolutely irrational. She must have been caught in a bad dream, a nightmare she would soon wake from. „You’re not real. You’re not real. You’re not real…”, Serena continued to tell herself. She heard soft laughter. Finally opening her eyes, she realized that the illusion was still present. Lucas smiled at her. „You’re sweet when you're in denial, Serena.”
„You. Are. Not. Real.” A sudden portion of bravery made her step forward to brush past him. She turned her back on him. „Go away, Lucas.”
„I thought you would be happy to see me.” The hurt in his tone made her shiver.
Less strict, she added, „I am, but I have to move on. I love you so much, Lucas, and I always will. But I need you to let me go. To let me live.”
„I don’t want to stop from living, Serena.”
„No, you don’t. But my mind does. Because I still imagine you. You’re not real and I need to stop deceiving myself all the time. You’re not coming back and I need to leave the past behind.” Her voice grew soft.
„But I am here!” Lucas exclaimed and approached her. Serena jerked at his closeness. She was running out of patience with him or rather with her imagination. „You’re not real!” She yelled and turned around.
He was gone. Her room looked like it ever did and there was no one beside her in it. Serena pressed her hand onto her face and dared to look again. She was still alone. Of course, she was. What was wrong with her? Why was she freaking out like that?
Serena went downstairs, ate dinner and took a shower. Afterwards she returned to her room. He’s still gone

, she realized, he had never been here at all

, she reminded herself. Having changed into her pyjamas, she carefully lay down on her bed. The fear inside her chest wouldn’t vanish. He was gone. There was nothing to worry about. Lucas was dead and there was no possibility that he would back ever again. As sad as it was, she had to accept it. The realization of this ultimacy brought tears into her eyes. An unwanted sob left her lips and the salty liquid began running over her skin. „Lucas…”, she cried and the tears kept pouring out of her emerald orbits. Though, suddenly the sobs were stuck in her throat. She could feel a presence lying behind her. Both fear and joy spread through her slim figure. A pair of warm hands embraced her waist and pulled her in.
„Shh, I’m here, Serena”, the gentle voice soothed her. Serena entwined her fingers with his. The beating of his heart was sensible against her back and only strengthened her wish for this to be reality.
„Don’t leave me, Lucas”, she cried and her grip became tighter, „please don’t leave me again.”


* * *


The girl stretched her limbs, still half-asleep and let out a long yawn. Her eyes fluttered open and she was blinded by the already shining sun. A few seconds were needed to adjust to it and to make out the shape of a young man, sitting on the edge of her bed.
„Hi”, Lucas smiled down on her lovingly.
„You’re still here”, Serena said matter-of-factly and propped herself up onto her elbows. „Why?”
„Because you asked me to stay”, he replied and kissed her forehead. „Are you okay?”
Serena shook her head. „No.”
„That’s why I came to talk to you”, he said. „You need to sort out that fight with David.”
„What the hell are you saying there?” Serena asked unbelievingly. „David is my least problem right now. I'm just seeing a ghost, I'm talking with you in this very second! I might as well be losing my mind!" Her rant was both longing and rejecting. Lucas was so close to her. How long had she been dreaming about this? How many time had she spent praying to that God she didn't even believe in to bring Lucas back to her? Serena had lost count. And yet, here she was, her wish granted, but she couldn't decide whether it was good or bad. A part of her knew that he wasn't able to be with her. The other side, however, felt attracted to Lucas more than ever. The desire to touch him became overwhelming. Serena lunged forward to place a hungry kiss onto those familiar lips. Lucas didn't push her away, but instead replied her kiss with the same passion. A little out of breath they parted.
„Serena, I need you to listen to me", he whispered as he held her flushed face in his hands. „You have to talk to David. Just give him a chance."
„No", she said sharp and passion turned into anger, „why should I? He doesn't deserve to be forgiven."
Her lover sighed. „Trust me on this, my love. If you keep this up, you'll only end up hurting yourself. And I can't let that happen."
„You don't understand how the way he acted all this time has affected me", she justified her opinion, „that was what almost had me destroyed."
„I promised to protect you no matter what happens. Just do and try as I say. I couldn't bear the thought of seeing you wasted." His forehead rested against hers. „I know how hard it was you. After my death. I know that it sent you through hell. That's why I won't stand next to it and watch this time. I love you, Serena."
„If that's true, then stay", she pleaded and her eyes gleamed with hope, „Don't go away again. Ever. It's you I need to be happy. I love you so much!"
Lucas couldn't stand the pain in her voice anymore. Tentatively he lay her arms around her slim figure and pulled her into a tight hug. „I know, Serena, I know." He kissed her soft, slightly unruly hair. „I never wanted to leave you, my love. And I would stay if I could. But it's not...possible."
„But you're here. You're here with me!"
„You are the only person who is able to see me right now. We could be together like this. Though, would this be enough?"
„I don't care if others can't see you. I love you and if it's the only way to be with you, I'm willing to give anything to have with me!" Desperation appeared in her words. She wouldn't lose him again. No, she would fight for him!
„Don't say that, Serena", he asked her and rocked her gently, „don't make this any harder. I just want you to be happy and - "
„Then why did you come back at all, if you're just going to disappear from my life again?" Serena freed herself out of his embrace and looked at him, the hurt visible in the green orbits.
„I told you, you need to talk to David again and - "
She interrupted him a second time. „If that's all you came for, then you'd better leave right now." She was up in a swift movement. „You heard me, Lucas! Go away! Leave me the hell alone!"
The girl was torn. She wanted to pull him in and push him away at the same time. Trembling she picked up her pieces of clothing and started to dress. Finished, she turned around to snap at the confused man. „Why are you still here? I thought I've told you to fuck off!"
Her heart ached at her own words. But she had to be cruel, otherwise she would continue to live in her dream world. She couldn't risk losing reality, even if it meant losing the imagination of Lucas.
„I'm sorry", the young man whispered and within the blink of an eye, he was gone.
Serena couldn't endure the mixed feelings inside her any longer. Exhausted she sank to her knees and bent over, so that her forehead met the floor. The psychological pain had turned physical. Her insides were twisting.


* * *


Lucas didn't come back the following nights. Serena seemingly had achieved her aim of casting him off. However, that fact didn't make happy at all. She already missed him again and wished she hadn't acted so maliciously.
„Hey beautiful", some boy called her, „let me buy you a beer!"
„Sure", she answered airily and took the drink from him. It wasn't her only one this evening and she had already drunk a few jiggers of booze.
As pathetic and alarming as it was, the alcohol helped her at least to distract herself from her problems, even though it couldn't make her forget them. After Lucas had vanished from her life again, she made it a bit to drown her mind and to have fun. Usually she went out alone. She didn't even need to spend money at such nights, because she always found some young men blind enough to buy her anything, when she made eyes at them.
In a strange way, she enjoyed being admired by them. For once, she didn't care about love, friendship or any real, deep emotions. She lived for the moment. So, Lucas didn't want to see her wasted? Well, he was going to get his wish. Just watch me

, Serena thought, when the boy drew her in his arms to dance. She was young, sexy and free. No, she wouldn't waste herself!
Foreign lips were pressed on hers and she lost track of her thoughts. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to be touched. The hands seemed alien to her and didn't remind her of any care Lucas had ever made her feel. But for now, pleasure and lust was all that mattered.
Quietly, she entered the house, when she came back home at around 4 am. Releasing her tired feet, she slipped out of her high heels and tiptoed upstairs in her tights. Without even switching on the light she went into her room and began to change into her nightwear. She was about to roll the shirt over her bra-covered chest, when she suddenly paused. Serena let out an annoyed sigh. „Why are you here again?"
Surprised that she had noticed him without even looking, he slowly walked out of the dark corner and watched her continuing her endeavours.
„You need to stop", Lucas said assertively.
„No", she drawled out deliberately emphasized. „I need to sleep. Now leave me alone."
She went past him, her shoulder brushing his arm. Without further ceremony, she let herself fall into the sheets and closed her eyes.
„Serena", Lucas tried again, „We need to talk and you know that. It can't go on like this."
The girl stubbornly turned her head face away from him.
„Serena, I know you're awake", his tone grew slightly impatient, „Why are you doing to this to yourself?"
Green eyes snapped open. „Why don't you just go away and let me live?"
„I told you, I want you to make things clear with David. The way you treat each other is not healthy for any of you. I promised to protect you from being hurt." He breathed in. „I mean, look at you. I haven't seen you in such a broken state since your attempts to commit suicide."
„What the - ?" An upset voice answered and the girl turned and sat up in the bed. How did he dare to bring that up? „What about your death? What about the day of your funeral? Or rather the night afterwards? What about that moment I found out about David's Leukaemia? Or the morning I woke up to see myself rejected by Adam because I'm not able to let go of the past?" She took a short break to hop from the bed and to stand up straight. „There were so many times, when I've felt utterly miserable and you never were there! So why do you care about me now?"
„I've always care about you! And I was. I was there. At every time." The young man approached the girl who had her arms crossed over her breasts. „And I know you saw me. But it scared you, so I changed it to watching you from afar."
Slowly her arms fell down and hung loosely at her sides. „Does that mean...I've really seen you after you had died?"
„Yes", Lucas confirmed her realization.
Serena hesitated for a moment. „And Jenny...she saw you, too?"
„Yes", he said another time, „you twao saw me because you were the closest people to me. I know it wasn't right, but I had to come back to see you..."
She swallowed hard. „You have seen me with David then? Haven't you?"
Lucas dodged her sad gaze, which sought for his in the moonlit room. „Serena...I...yes, I have."
Serena shut her eyes for a second and looked at him again. This time he met her eyes, which were beginning to water. Her voice was barely about a whisper now. „I'm so sorry, Lucas. I'm so sorry." An devastated sob. „But I don't understand...how can you, if you know, how can you still love me? How can you still come back and want me to resolve the fight with David? How can you not hate me after what I've done to you?"
„Oh, sweetheart..." Lucas carefully directed her crying form into his arms. „No matter what has happened, I love you. There is no way I could ever stop loving you. That's why I want you to be happy. Because you have the chance to. Because I don't want to have died for nothing. Because I don't regret anything that I've done from the minute I found you in the kitchen with that knife in your hands." He planted a kiss on her hair. „And I have to make sure you won't feel as bad as at that time, so I can let you live on your own, without having to worry all the time", he sighed and lovingly held her face in his hands. His thumbs traced the remaining of the salty liquid and wiped it away.
„Serena, I'm begging you to give it at least try. I don't expect any miracles. And if you really can't bring yourself to talk to David, then find another way to ease your pain."
Trembling lips replied, „What do you mean?"
Lucas took her hands and squeezed them tightly. „Promise me you'll come clean."
„Lucas. Just tell me how!"
„Promise me", he repeated. Pulling her in, his lips descended into hers and he shared a long kiss full of love with her. Her eyes fell close and she lost herself in her emotions. Pure life rushed through her veins and she couldn't believe how she could have ever traded real love for all these superficial guys.
Her knees felt weak, when she slowly parted from him. „I promise", she breathed and opened her eyes.
She was alone.


* * *


Oh why, just why had Jenny convinced her to come?

Serena wondered and got off the train at the Hamburg Main Airport. So here she was again. Today would have been Lucas' 20th birthday, though she hadn't come to Hamburg because of that. Well, at least not only because of that. Jenny had invited her to celebrate the Jewish New Year's Day with her family, Rosh Hashanah. It was a very traditional holiday, which the Newman's always spend together as a whole family. A lot of relatives were invited as well and Serena wasn't sure, if she fit into the scene of the very religious Newman family. Jenny had talked to her for a while to finally had persuaded her to come.
„Serena! I'm so glad you decided to come."
„All thanks to you Jenny. I couldn't miss the chance to visit you, could I?"
Jenny's look grew anxious. „What had you scared off then? David didn't tell me." Her gaze roomed over her friend's form. „And what has happened to you? You look so tired and skinny!"
Serena smiled weakly. She knew she could trust her friend, but didn't want to burden her with further problems, for she already had enough to deal with at the moment. „I haven't been feeling well lately, but don't worry. I'm okay." It wasn't exactly the whole truth, but at least it was only half a lie.
To her own surprise, Serena didn't regret it. The traditional celebration was a nice change and she liked being around Jenny's family. Robert and Maria had become like second parents to her and even after Lucas' had passed away her relationship to them hadn't lost its solidity.
But there was one thing that dampened the mood. Lucas would have turned 20 today. The family didn't talk about him at all, as they sat around the table, set with dates, black-eyed beans, leek, spinach, gourd and honey. Aunts and uncles were laughing, festive prayers and sayings were spoken and the meal was consumed with joy.
Only one of the Newman's wasn't into celebrating Rosh Hashanah. Jenny sat at the table, her eyes stared unfocused at its top. Worriedly, Serena watched her friend. She understood her grief so well. To lose a lover was hard, but to lose a brother was just as difficult. Serena wished she could comfort her somehow, but now matter what she was saying to Jenny today, Jenny's face would never light up.
It was a twisted and tense situation for both Serena and Jenny. Suddenly full-hearted laughter penetrated the living room and Serena's gaze wandered over to the family who was joking around eagerly. That obviously was enough for Jenny to stand. Shaking, she rose. „How can you be so happy on a day like today? Have you really forgotten about it? It's Lucas' birthday and you don't even care!" The shouting of the girl had the crowd turned silent. The laughter made room for shocked speechlessness. They lowered their heads in shame and didn't answer. Realizing what she had done, Jenny stuttered, „I...I'm sorry...I didn't mean to...I better go now..." Panicking she rushed out of the room, pulling the door close behind her.
Now Maria stood up as well. „Jenny!"
„I'll go after her", Serena said and saw the concern in Maria's gaze. „Don't worry, I think I know where she is going."


* * *


Serena walked through the main gate of the Ohlsdorf cemetery. The world's second largest cemetery was really no place she liked going to. The lump in her throat hurt and her hand reached up to capture the silver pendant in a tight grip. She had always avoided visiting Lucas' grave as best as she could. Yet, she knew the way through this labyrinth of paths and gravestones, sculptures and trees like she had never been anywhere else than here.
With steady steps she walked through the grounds passing the morgue where she had been confronted with Lucas' dead body. Her heart sank and it began to hurt more, when she noticed that she hadn't been mistaken.
Jenny stood in front of Lucas' grave. Her arms were thrown around her own frame, as if to shield away the pain. Strangled cries left her lips and made her breathing erratic and heavy. Although Serena struggled with her own grief, she knew she had to be there for Jenny now. She approached the crying girl, who was only a few months younger than herself, and pulled her into a close embrace from behind. Jenny wasn't startled or surprised. She leaned against Serena and tried to speak through her tears and sobs. Despite of the cracked voice, Serena made out her sister's words.
„I miss him so much, Serena, I miss him every day! I don't want to be gone! He's my brother after all." After giving her a quick kiss on her hair, Serena lowered her hand and let her cheek rest against Jenny's.
„I know", she said in a soothing way, „I feel with you."
„Do you remember what you told me, when you were here last winter?"
„Yes."
„And you know I told you that I've seen him, too. That I saw Lucas after his death", Jenny now whispered and Serena nodded her head. „I need to tell you that I've seen him again. Only a few days ago."
Serena carefully loosened the embrace and turned the girl to meet her face. „You have?"
„Yes. I think he wanted me to spend today with you."
Serena hugged Jenny again and had a long close look at the fair gravestone. An unclear, blurry figure appeared next to it. Serena didn't flinch or frown because she felt no fear, but rather the very needed reassurance. The image's outlines sharpened and the ghost of Lucas smiled back at her. There was no worry in his features, he looked happy. Serena's eyes were shimmering with unshed tears, but a grateful smile slowly spread over her face. She was aware that this would be his last goodbye. In full consent she closed her eyes.
Jenny's sobs were subsiding and her breathing calming. Serena parted from her and opened her eyes. When she glanced behind Jenny, Lucas wasn't there anymore.
„Are you okay?" She asked his sister.
„Yes. Are you?"
Serena flashed her a genuine smile. „Yes. I am."
It was over. She didn't how, but she had come clean. The memory of Lucas and his tragic end would always remain, but her inner conflict was resolved. She was sure everything would turn out for the better now.
„Let's go home, Jenny."
The two girls left the cemetery wordlessly. After some time, Serena put an arm around the younger girl's shoulder, who didn't mind.
But all of sudden, Serena stopped in her tracks. „Jenny, look! It's David, isn't it?"
She was right. There he was, walking at the other side of the street. This was her chance to clear the fronts between them. Now that her burden had left, she felt ready to forgive him. Joy and happiness flooded her mind.
„David!" She called out to him to get his attention, though he didn't see her. Not wanting to lose this opportunity, she shouted his name again. „David!"
It was no use. He didn't look her way. Without thinking, she started running ahead, while Jenny stayed standing at the pavement.
Finally David turned his head and stopped walking. Noticing this, Serena sped up her run and didn't look at her sides. That's why she didn't see the lorry coming her way -
The vehicle hit her with full force. She had no chance. Her body flew through the air and crashed down onto the asphalt. In a split second Serena had lost her conscious.


* * *


Beeping sounds and busy nurses were all around them. David and Jenny sat in the corridor of the hospital and waited. Jenny's eyes were red from crying and she feared for Serena's life so badly. David was pale. His skin now held the same bright colour as his eyes.
„Why did you have to come back?" The girl broke the silence, her tone was accusing and bitter.
He lifted his head and eyed her. „What do you want to express by that?"
„You see, she was perfectly happy again, after all this time, she was happy. She had found her peace with the past and then you came!"
„You think it's my fault she got hit by that truck?" David asked shocked.
Jenny knew it wasn't fair to blame him, but the worry for her friend made her go crazy. „There's no need for you to be here. She's better off without you anyway." David was about to reply, but the young adults were interrupted by the doctor. They expected the news in suspense.
„It's a miracle that that girl is still alive", the doctor announced and Jenny gasped out in relief. „She must have a really good guardian angel up there. However, the accident did permanent harm to her brain. An important area of her memory has been damaged. She will be okay, though she might not remember some stages of her life anymore. If you excuse me now, I'll contact her parents."
He left the two who were captured by shock and helplessness. They entered the room in the intensive care unit, where Serena's injured body lay. Only an emergency surgery had made it possible for her to live. Now here she was. Her skin was bruised and blue. Her skinny arms and hollow cheeks made her look even more like a corpse. If it wasn't for the hardly noticeable movement of her chest, initiated by the oxygen tube on her face, one could really think she was dead.
„What if...", Jenny finally started to say and had to force herself to end her question, „what if she won't remember us?"
„We have to destroy any evidence there is for her past with us", David answered and reaped an indignant „What?" from Jenny. „You can't be serious, Newton!"
He shook his head. „Just look at her, Jen." And they both did. „She is so fragile and we've already broken her. No matter what we do or what she is trying, she will never be whole again. But this is her chance to begin a new life. If she won't remember us, it'll be hard, but then she will finally be able to leave the pain behind."
Jenny swallowed hard. „But we can't just leave her alone! After all we've been through...she's part of us! I need her!" Tears rolled down her face. „She's my sister!"
„Don't you think I love her, too?" David's heart clenched, but his voice didn't lose its steadiness and was firm. „Yet...if that's the only way to give her a normal life, we have to do it."
„What if it's a mistake?" Jenny said quietly. „What if it's wrong?"
„It can't be more wrong than letting her live in this misery forever", David decided and took the necklace from the nightstand.

In the same night they began to eliminate everything that could be connected with Serena's past with Lucas, David and Jenny.


* * *


The warm wind brushed softly against her skin. Beneath her, she could smell the green grass, where she was comfortably lying on. Rays of sunlight lit her surroundings and turned her head to avoid being blinded by the light. This place was familiar to her. It was the park in her hometown, a piece of greenness and nature close to her parents' house.
Serena rose from the tender ground and took in what she saw. Not a single thing about this place frightened her, instead it let an inner wellness swell up in her soul. She breathed in deeply, memorizing the scent of summer and peace.
The young woman's ears perked up, however, at some distant voices and words. Curiously, she wandered around the area to detect the source. There, behind a big bush, were those cheerful noises coming from. To her surprise, Serena realized it was her own laughter she was hearing right this moment. Intrigued by this discovery, she reached out her hands to push away the leaves, stopping her from viewing the whole scene. Her laughing was joined by two male voices. She was able to make out three blurry figures, but she couldn't see enough to recognize anyone. Her sight was blocked by bounds of green. However, her hearing still worked perfectly. That's why she was able to pick up the sentence, she had heard herself say in so many dream sequences, again.
„Let’s promise we’ll never let anything take away our happiness together.”

Slowly Serena's lids fluttered open to find herself lying on the bed. Taking a glance outside, she noticed that it was still middle of the night. The starry sky and the moon immersed the room in dim, pleasant illumination. She sat up, pushing her half of the blanket down to her waist. It was the same dream again

, she mused and watched the face of the man sleeping next to her. God, she loved this man! He had not only been her saviour, but he was the best friend she could ever find. She found it hard to believe that her fateful accident was dated back almost ten years now. The collision with the lorry had damaged her memory severely and she had suffered from long-term amnesia. Fortunately, her abilities to function like an ordinary person hadn't been destroyed. Nevertheless, the process of relearning about her past had demanded a lot of patience and strength. On that score, Serena was even more happy to have found a great support in Jude. He had doing community service at the rehab centre where she had been treated after the accident. Jude had helped her to regain some of her old memories of her family and friends, but she never managed to get the full picture of her life back again. There were many pieces that didn't fit or that were lost forever. Names, faces or single words she couldn't assign to her world.
Soft whimpering reached her ears and Serena stood up concernedly. „Hey there, my sweetheart", she whispered gently and took her newborn son out of his crib. „Mommy's there. Hush, my little one." The cries stopped and the young child gazed her mother with wide eyes. Carefully, she caressed his tiny face. „You're hungry, right?" She smiled as she watched her baby searching for something to suck on. Serena opened her nightgown and began to nurse her child. „My, my, you have quite an appetite tonight, Lucas", she said. When the baby boy was finished, she held him in her arms carefully. She breathed a sweet kiss onto his forehead and put him back into his bed. „I love you, Lucas." It didn't take long and the child's eyes fluttered close again.
Serena sighed. There would always be things of the past she would never understand. Yet, she didn't mind, for she had everything she could ever ask for. At the age of 27, she was married to a loving and caring father and man and her son was healthy, beautiful and the best gift she could receive from life. She was about to tighten her nightgown again, when her fingertips smoothed over a mark on her skin. Right beneath her left breast, the remains of the old scar were still touchable. After lingering on it for a few seconds, she closed up her robe and lay down on the bed again. Jude snuggled close to her and drew her into his arms. Her tension eased and she shut her eyes. The thoughts about her past were fading away, as sleep reached out and took over her.
Serena's life held no trace of Lucas, Jenny, David or anything connected to them anymore. One could think it had never really existed at all, it had been a long, though finally ending, dream. All photos and documents, all calls and telephone numbers, even all memories of Serena concerning their time together had been erased, though David and Jenny had failed to take away the one last proof remaining. After all what had happened, after all what had been done or said, only one little thing was the silent witness, shattering the theory of all being just a dream.
A faded scar.


End of part 3/3.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 01.01.2010

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