* * *

LSD Trilogy – Part 1: breaking glass

by KLeenaGirl
Finished July 23rd, 2009

For Shane
because he deserves to understand

* * *


Serena watched the party uncomfortably. She had only agreed to come because Jenny had always been a good friend to her and Serena would have felt bad, if she hadn’t come to her birthday party tonight. With empty eyes, she stared at the crowd. Music was flowing all around, but it was hard to figure out what was being played because of the additional noise. She took another sip of her beer. Sure, she was only 13, but drinking beer wasn’t new to her. So what about it? It wasn’t like her parents would notice anyway.
She looked around, not caring about what she saw. Some people were dancing, a few others laughed and talked and back in the corner of the room, a couple was apparently making out. That was fine with Serena, she didn’t want to be bothered by anyone right now. What time was is now? Already after midnight? She felt the urge to know, but then again she was to lazy to roll up her sleeve to reveal her digital watch.
Her slim figure was shaking, the sweater didn’t do much to warm her up and neither did the alcohol. The bright brown hair fell over her shoulders in some messy strays. She pulled her knees higher to her chest. The cold was strong. Serena couldn’t understand it. It was June and the temperatures were high, the days more than warm, nearly hot. So why wouldn’t this chilling feeling leave her?
Finally overcoming her laziness, and because she really wanted to know now, she pushed her left sleeve up and took a glance. 1.07 am And cuts – cuts that were spread all over her arms. Panicking, she dragged the fabric down again, afraid anyone might have seen them. She shook her head at her own stupidity. Nobody would care, besides it was far too dark in the room, with only some candles spending light. She silently breathed out. Serena had almost forgotten about them – the cuts. It wasn’t that she didn’t do it anymore, but it just had become something normal to her. She didn’t think of them as harmful and hurting. For her, they were helping and understanding, almost in a fiendlike way. But she knew that there were people who didn’t think like her. They were scared of the unbelievable joy those little cuts could bring. If they only once experienced the sensation on their own, maybe they would change their mind about it. Though, Serena actually couldn’t care less. She didn’t want to know others’ opinions, for her own was the right one. Yet, she did everything to hide her bleeding secret. It never occurred to her that this was a strange way to behave, when she had apostatized from them and their forms to think.
Wobbly, Serena stood up. Okay, maybe the alcohol had been a bit too much. She didn’t feel sick or the need to throw up, but her legs were unsteady and her visual field a little unclear. Slow and heavy steps brought her into the kitchen. She didn’t need to look for it, since she had been in this house many times before. Though, when she actually got there, she couldn’t quite remember what she wanted here. Why did she go into the kitchen? Was the alcohol the reason for not thinking clearly anymore? Then she saw it, the drawer. Suddenly, her mind reminded her, why her body had brought her in here. She smiled for being foolish twice at the same evening. Not even bothering about closing the door fully, she opened the cutlery drawer. There it was. The knife, she had noticed when Jenny had cut the cake, lay all shiny and glowing in front of her. It was nearly nine inches long and – in a strange way – beautiful. Its silver blade reflected the dim light and it was crystal clean, so Serena could see her big green eyes in it. She sighed. Soon, there would be relief. With a trembling hand, she grabbed the knife and held it up in front of her. Trying to suppress the shaking, she held down the blade on her left wrist. The cool metal touched her skin and sent new shivers down her spine. She was about to run the knife into her pale pink flesh, when an idea hit her. There was a much more quicker way to do this. Going for her heart directly, would leave her dying faster, right? Feeling unnoticed, she pulled her arm up. She raised it to the highest point, just to slam it down her chest any second.
He felt his feet moving on own accord. Pushing through the door, he got a hold of her wrists, forcing the hand with the knife to slide away sideways instead of hitting her chest directly.
The dark-haired boy could feel the girl’s chest heaving against his body. Some blood ran through the cloth of her sweater, soaking it. The knife dropped to the floor.
Suddenly, she shoved the elder boy away from her. „What do you think you’re doing?” she screamed.
He blinked at her. „What I think I am doing? I saved your life!”
„Who says I wanted to be saved! Why do you mess with my business?” She was still shocked from his actions, but also extremely angry about them.
„Well, I’d say someone attempting suicide in my house is my business!” he throw back at her.
„You…”, she started, but her voice trailed off, when she suddenly clutched her side where the blood came from.
His voice changed from madness to worry. „Are you okay? Shall I call a doctor?” He kneeled down to look for her wound.
„Get away from me!” she shouted. „I’m fine! I’M FINE!”
„I wouldn’t call it fine to end your own life”, he gritted through his teeth trying to lower his voice, otherwise someone might hear them. But thankfully, because of the loud music and the noise, that hadn’t been the case yet.
She wanted to answer him, but she slumped to the ground. Another jolt of pain had ripped through her body.
„Come on”, he told her, „let’s get you out of here.”
She looked at him in a strange way. Yet, he understood what she was thinking.
„No doctor, but we need to do something about the wound nevertheless.”
Looking somewhat relieved, she accepted him helping her to stand. He peeked out of the door and when he saw nobody coming along, he just made his way over and up the stairs with her arm hanging over his shoulder. Scuffling, he reached the door of his room and opened it.
„Holy shit”, another boy around the same age as him shouted, while getting up from his chair, „what in the world were you doing downstairs?”
„Later”, his friend grumbled and let the injured girl down onto his bed. She looked from Jenny’s brother to the other boy. He closed the door and got a box from behind his desk. It was a first-aid-kit.
„So, you’re Serena?” he asked. She simply nodded, not bothering why he knew her name.
„I’m Lucas. Jenny’s brother. That’s David.” He pointed to his friend.
„Hi”, David said in an awkward tone. His bright blue eyes, involving almost a shade of white, were opened wide with confusion.
Lucas put out some bandages, then looked at Serena. She suddenly realized she’d have to remove her sweater to let him treat her wound. „Oh no. Hell no! I won’t take my clothes off in front of you.”
„Then I can’t help you”, he said deadpanned.
Another stab of pain made her flinch. Damn, it hurt so badly! She just didn’t have any choice, did she? „Okay, but if you try anything, I…”
„I won’t”, Lucas said. „I promise I’ll only look at the injury.” He stared at her, but she still made no attempt to remove her sweater.
„The other one has to turn around, though”, she pouted. Lucas was fighting the urge to roll his eyes and looked at David who obeyed and turned around.
Hesitantly, Serena pulled the shirt over head leaving her chest exposed except for a bra. Lucas swallowed. A long scratch was present just under her bra trailing down her left side to her belly. Slowly, he reached for the bandages and began wrapping them around the girl’s frame. All the time, Serena let her head hang down in shame. This moment was so humiliating for her. She just couldn’t stand looking at this boy she barely knew. Thoughts came up in her head. What would he do now he had seen her trying to kill herself? Would he tell anyone? Her parents? Or Jenny?
„There”, Lucas said, „all finished.” Serena quickly put on her sweater again. She blushed, when she faced David and Lucas.
„Th-Thank you, I guess”, she told them and got up from the bed. A few seconds went by with the three staring at each other before Serena ran out of the door.
„Dude, what the hell was that?” David said and sat down again.
„I don’t know, Dave.” He shook his head. „I don’t know.”


* * *


Serena ran as fast as she could, even with her knees still wobbly. Dammit, dammit, dammit! How could she have been so careless about who saw her? What were those boys going to do? She definitely didn’t want them to tell anyone, especially not her parents. That would only bring up another fight, either between her mother and father, or even worse – her parents against her. She had been right about the temperature changing, it was colder than usual. Quickly, she pulled her head up to see dark clouds hiding the stars beneath them. In the same movement she looked at her watch. 2 am – good, that meant her parents wouldn’t notice her sneaking into the house.
Without making a noise, she entered the door and slowly went upstairs. Serena pulled off her sweater, after she had locked the door, and threw it onto the floor. She watched herself in the mirror. The cut along her chest still hurt, though she had to admit this guy – Lucas – had done a pretty good job bandaging it. It was all tight and nicely bound. She sighed almost inaudible as she sat down on the wooden floor. This day had been horrible. Her mum had just been crying the whole day, while her father had kept drinking. Steven, her brother, hadn’t spoken a word, and he was only eight. Only eight and already an emotional wreck – just like her. Serena stared into her green, empty eyes. It had been her fault that her family was this way. She had noticed it so much earlier, but she had never done anything against it. And even though, she hated being around her family, she didn’t want them to fall apart. Besides, she needed to stay strong. If not for her, then for little brother – because he didn’t deserve living in this hell. With her delicate, pale fingers she grabbed the cutter from the cupboard. She always did this at night. It helped her to make the pain go away. It wasn’t just a metaphor, for Serena, it really worked. The little cuts made her release all the tension she was holding over the course of the day. Like usual, she put the blade against her skin, ready to cut in.
But she didn’t. She couldn’t explain why, she just couldn’t bring herself to do it now. Angry with herself, she bashed the metallic tool away. A sudden jolt of pain rushed through her body and she held her left side. Whimpering softly, she turned off the light and lay herself down onto her bed. She blinked back her tears, she would not cry, she told herself. Serena didn’t know, if it was because of the pain or something else. She was just wondering, What the hell is wrong with me?

* * *


The next day, Serena woke up early. Thank goodness, her parents had to work today, it was Monday. After waking up her brother and making breakfast for him, the 13-year-old headed off to school. She had calmed down a bit after last night, but she still feared the confrontation in school. Knowing that the two boys visited the same school as her was not very comforting. However, she just had to stand the day, Serena told herself, since she didn’t want to appear suspicious. She already was to her friend Jenny, because she had left yesterday’s party without even saying goodbye. Serena hoped Jenny wouldn’t make a fuss about that fact. Desperately trying to act as casual as ever, she walked across the school yard. She recognized, that her hopes hadn’t been appreciated, when she saw Jenny coming towards her, along with her brother Lucas and David.
„Serena”, Jenny greeted her, „there you are. I was worried about you.” Serena was pulled into a quick hug. Oh no, did Jenny know?
„You left without saying anything, are you okay?” Apparently she did not know, but Serena couldn’t be sure. She met Lucas’ gaze, but his eyes didn’t betray him. Unsure of what to say, Serena answered, „I’m sorry, Jenny. I didn’t feel well. I’m sorry…”
„It’s okay”, Jenny said and smiled, “I’m glad you’re fine now. You are, right?”
„Yeah, I – I am”, Serena stuttered, relieved at seeing Jenny’s happy expression.
„Okay, then let’s go inside. See you later, brother.” When Jenny pulled her away with her, Serena dared to look back. David and Lucas stood there, unfazed, in silence. She was okay with their behaviour so far, yet it freaked her out. Their attitude wasn’t easy to look through and she certainly didn’t trust them.
The lessons went over without any remarkable incidents. Jenny hadn’t acted differently, either. After Serena had waved her goodbye, she made her way over to her bike. Unlocking the chain, she noticed someone approaching her.
„Jenny’s already headed to the bus station”, she commented.
„I didn’t look for her.” The brown-haired boy said. „I actually wanted to find you.”
Serena sighed. Her hands were wrapped around the bicycle. „Look - Lucas, right?”
He didn’t reply, but stepped forwards.
„I’m fine. What do you want?” Her voice poured down onto him like sugary-sweet syrup. Though, he didn’t let himself be affected by her ‘obvious welfare’.
„I want you to talk to somebody. It doesn’t have to be me. But do you think I haven’t noticed those bandages around your wrists?” His eyes gazed down on her gently, but firmly. He didn’t want her to think he was trying to tease her or making her look stupid.
„Oh come on. That’s nonsense!” Her voice turned dark, even malicious. All of her kind tone was gone. „I’m fine. And now I want to go home.” She tried to step up on her bike, but Lucas stopped her by holding her arm.
„Why do you keep saying that you’re fine?”
Serena wriggled and made some poor attempts to free herself. She was getting a little bit panicked now. His grip didn’t loose. „Let me go, idiot!”
„Is it because you’re afraid to let someone help you?” He yelled at her and instantly regretted it, as he saw tears welling up in her eyes. Deep down he knew he hadn’t any right to judge over the young girl.
„Why do you care? You don’t even know me! So leave me alone!” In a quick movement she pulled herself out of his grip and rode away.
Deep brown eyes stared at the girl’s slender form leaving the school area. Lucas definitely didn’t like where this was going. She was right, he didn’t even know her. Yet, he couldn’t just let this pass by. This wasn’t about not liking a person. This was about losing a person. Knowing her or not, it didn’t matter. Lucas wasn’t going to stand there and watch a 13-year-old girl commit suicide. Someone had to do something soon. Someone had to stop her before she could do more harm to her own body. Before she would take her own life. Kill herself.
Lucas was this someone.


* * *


Another day, another argument. Her parents had been fighting so hard today, that her mother had been taken to a psychiatric clinic, while her father just had driven away with the car. She was alone now, Steven was sleeping at the neighbours’. Sadly she looked around the house. There were splinters of glass everywhere. A broken vase and overturned chairs. She went upstairs to go into her room, the only place of shelter left. She sat down in front of the mirror watching her own image. Why had this jerk called Lucas looked for her today? Why did he pretend that he cares? Serena couldn’t explain it, but she was annoyed by it. Slowly she pulled out a knife, it was her usual cutter. She looked at her bandaged arms. Just a few cuts here and there and it would be all over. She couldn’t stand it anymore. She felt so small, so insignificant. No one ever bothered to care about her. They all went by watching. The trust in her parents she had lost a long while ago. They never appreciated anything she did and never talked to her. Most of the time they simply ignored her. So, what if she died on this warm, sunny afternoon? There was surely nobody who would miss her. Maybe this freaky boy might wonder what happened to her, but he would forget it just as quickly. She held the blade at the skin of her left underarm. She couldn’t understand why she had been so scared last night. Today the solution seemed so perfectly clear to her. And this time there would be no one to stop her.


* * *


Lucas rushed through the streets searching desperately for the house Serena lived in. When he finally came across it, he didn’t even bothered knocking or pressing the bell.
The door already stood open, so he wasted no time and went in. A jolt of shock ripped through him. The inside of the house looked like a hurricane has been all over it recently. Glass splinters, broken furniture, everywhere he looked. He ran through the rooms of the first floor, no trace of Serena. Maybe he was wrong, maybe she didn’t go here after school. Perhaps she wanted to lie herself down on the railroad or jump from a bridge. Or perhaps she was fine after all? Lucas shook his head. Now was the moment to find her, not to make such stupid assumptions. He found the stairs and hurried them up. A hushed noise came from the last room on the floor.
He pushed in it and came to see Serena kneeling in front of a mirror. In her hand she held a cutter ready to slice open her own veins. In the spur of the moment he ran to her, grabbing both wrists of hers in his hands.
„Stop”, Lucas shouted.
Shocked and full of fear, Serena let go of the knife. It fell onto the wooden ground. She looked at the intruder, expecting an angry reaction and words about how dumb she was. But those never came. Lucas wrapped his long and thin arms around her body and pulled her close. Serena couldn’t say if she was breathing at all. Time seemed to stop, while she waited for Lucas saying anything. When he finally opened his mouth, all he whispered was: „It’s all right. I’m here for you, Serena

.”
Her walls, built up over so many weeks living in agony, crashed down. Her eyes were filling with tears and she sobbed down into his chest. Her body had a complete breakdown. Her muscles gave in and she couldn’t hold herself up anymore. That’s why Lucas tried to support her by sitting down and letting her slump against his torso. The salty liquid kept coming, but Lucas made no attempt to stop her crying. Serena needed this now. He could feel all the tension and false expectations leaving her petite frame. After some time, Serena spoke up. Her voice was cracked with sobs, yet he managed to get what she was telling him.
„Please…please don’t tell my parents. I…I don’t want them… to know!”
Lucas’ hands stroked over her back, soothing her a little. „It’s okay. Nobody will tell them. But –“
Serena looked up at the boy. Fear blazed in her green eyes.
„We need to get you to another place. If you stay here, we can’t take care of you.”
Serena’s voice was more controlled now. „But where should I go? I have nobody to stay at…and who do you mean with ‘we’?” She sniffed and used the back of her hand to wipe away the tears.
„Don’t worry”, Lucas smiled honestly, „I have an idea. You’ll see.”


* * *


„You want me to what?” The exclamation was followed by furious head shaking.
„Oh come on, David. I’m not asking you to marry her”, Lucas groaned, „Just let her stay for some weeks or months…You have more than enough room for her!”
„How do you think this will work? What about her parents? And my father? Our house isn’t a hotel!” David walked around the column in the big living room.
„Newton, I beg you! Please don’t leave me hanging!” Lucas followed him.
Serena watched the scene and couldn’t help but feel a bit ignored. They were talking about her near future and they acted like she wasn’t even in the same room as them. „Hey”, she spoke up, „it’s okay, I’ll find another place to stay.”
Lucas gestured wildly. „Look. Look what you’ve done, Newton! Now she thinks you’re denying her a small place to stay for the time being. Yep, you’re really an emotionless, cold-hearted jerk. See this poor girl searching for a bed to sleep and you reject her and send her on the street!”
Serena couldn’t stand it anymore. She laughed. It was so funny how Lucas was making a drama out of everything and to see these boys fighting over something so simple. So she laughed with all her heart. The brunette didn’t notice them staring at her like she was some kind of alien. But when she did, she stopped. „What?”
David grinned. „Okay, she can stay, but only for a temporary period of time.”
„I’m fine with that, if you are Serena.” Lucas replied and turned towards her.
„I am, but what about your parents?” She asked shyly. What if David’s parents would tell hers?
„Don’t worry”, David explained, „my parents are divorced and my mum lives in England. And my father is never here. He is busy with work.”
„If that’s settled, then let’s pick up some of your stuff and get it over here, Serena.” Lucas suggested.
It didn’t take long for the three of them to fetch up Serena’s things and bring them to the Newton mansion. Nope, mansion wasn’t an exaggeration. David’s father was a diplomat, managing economic trade processes between Russia and Germany. So of course, he had a high salary, which was spent also on this beautiful villa. The house itself was great, had five bedrooms, six bathrooms, a sauna and a pool. But the room triggering Serena the most – she wasn’t used to magnificent buildings like this – was the living room. Its seat furniture was made of white leather, a chandelier dangled from the high ceiling and the balcony led out into the colourful garden. Serena couldn’t quite put a finger on it, but she felt comfortable in this huge room. Maybe it was its size which gave her feeling of space and freedom.
Lucas carried Serena’s bag into one of the guestrooms and met up with David and the girl in that particular living room. „I’ve gotta go now”, he said. „My parents await me. Do you think you two will be alright?”
„Guess so”, Serena nodded and David agreed. „See you tomorrow.”
Serena waved absently and Lucas left. Here she was, standing in a room, she had grown to like very quickly, with a boy two years older than her, and who she didn’t know at all. An awkward silence filled the great space around them. She eyed the unknown boy. He was taller than Lucas and had a similar hair colour, chocolate brown. Just as Lucas he was slim, but his face differed much from his friend’s one. The outlines of his jaw were sharp and prominent, just as his nose. The face itself set a perfect fitting picture, expect for the eyes, which broke the image of beauty, but not in a negative way. David’s eyes were bright blue, bordering whitish-grey. It was impossible to tear away from his gaze, once those eyes had caught you. That’s why Serena didn’t notice, she had been staring at David for a while now, until he said so.
David cleared his throat. „Okay. Would you like to eat something?”
Serena blushed and finally looked away from his figure. „Yeah.”
She followed him into the kitchen, an equal great room as the rest of those in the house. David gestured her to sit down, while he looked through the cupboards to find something edible. She did so and watched him. Again, no one of them said a word. How were they going to live together, if they couldn’t even talk to each other?
„So”, the bright-eyed boy said as casually as possible, „do you feel better now? I mean, how are you? Are you fine?” He didn’t turn to look at her, opening the fridge, which was almost empty. Only some tomatoes and dry bread was left.
Serena frowned at the word ‘fine’. What was he trying to suggest here? That she was some lunatic, not being able to live on her own?
„I’m okay.” She answered and stood up. David flinched as he felt her approaching him. „You don’t have to be scared, though. I’m not crazy.”
Noticing the hint of anger in her voice, David quickly back pedalled. „I never said you were. Just let me make you something to eat.”
His cowardice made Serena even madder. „I can help you, if you let me. I don’t want pittance. If I am to stay here, I want to help running this household, too. That’s the least I can do.”
David stepped to the side. „Alright”, he sighed, „but I’m afraid there isn’t much to eat in here. I usually eat out. And I can’t cook.”
„So, you’re willing to give me a chance?” Serena now smiled, „Then let me cook something. Don’t you have noodles or something?”
He shrugged. „There’s still some rice. If that’s any use to you.”
„It is.” She announced. “Just wait and see, I’m going to make some nice dinner for us. And you stop thinking of me as a madwoman.”
„Deal, but this better be good.” David grinned and pulled out some plates and cutlery. Actually, it was silverware.
Serena nudged him lightly. „You should feel honoured to get some home-cooked meal. So don’t complain!” The two of them kept bickering and laughing the whole evening.


* * *


He had to say it had its advantages to have someone else in the house, especially a girl. While he brought in the money (he was sent to by his father) and cleaned the house with her, she did the grocery shopping, making sure the fridge stayed full. This not only benefited him, but her as well. They had grown friends over the time, though they hadn’t talked much about Serena’s suicide attempts or her previous depressive behaviour. For all it seemed, she was out of that phase by now.
Lucas visited his friends every day. He had told Jenny a slightly changed story about why Serena had moved in with David, so she wouldn’t ask any uncomfortable questions. The warm late-summer nights the three of them spent onto the villa’s balcony. Together they enjoyed the nice warm air or listened to the crickets’ music. Sometimes even Jenny came over to spend some time with her friend.
The moon shone brightly and no clouds stopped you to get an excellent view of the starry sky. A chilling cool fell down onto the garden and Serena pulled her knees towards her chest to keep in her body heat. With a lost look she gazed up into the endless sky.
„Lucas, David”, she said absently. „What is it?” David asked.
„Do you believe in God?” She meant that question dead-serious.
Lucas chuckled. „What kind of question is that? You’re kidding, right? I mean, you don’t really want to…”
„Yes, I want to.” Her confident reply came, chasing away all her dreaminess. „I want to know. So please tell me.”
The boys exchanged some curious glances. Then David spoke up. „My parents are Christians. My father doesn’t bother much about religion, he just thinks anyone should have one. My mum, though, she really loves going to church. Besides, she’s working in a parish, too.” After a moment he added, „She’s a teacher.” As if that would explain her devoutness. „But I do not really know if I believe or not. I haven’t thought much about it.”
„Well, my family is Jewish”, Lucas began, „and yes, I actually believe in God. We’re quite liberal about religion, which is good. I don’t think you can ever force a certain belief upon someone. Everyone has to deal with that issue on his own.” He smiled faintly at Serena, but it vanished, when he saw the sad look in her big, green eyes. „So what about you Serena?”
She sighed. „Even if I wanted to believe, I couldn’t.”
They looked at her questioningly. „I think you couldn’t, too, if you had seen what I have seen.”
Serena’s face was full of sadness now, her eyes reflecting an immense amount of pain. But Lucas decided to push her further, he wanted, no needed to know what she had been through. It was the only key to understand this strange girl. „What did you see?”
„My best friend died, when I was ten. I was standing beside her hospital bed, when she stopped breathing. I found my mother once, when she had cut her wrists, deep enough to die. I’ve already read a suicide note of my father, which he luckily never committed. But those things aren’t the worst. It’s the time in between. The silence and then the screaming and fury, the unknowingness and this feeling of being completely helpless.” A lonely tear slid down the 13-year-old’s cheek. „I’m sorry”, she suddenly said. „I didn’t want to bring the topic up on you.” Quickly, she tore her gaze away up into the sky.
Lucas stood up and hugged her cautiously. „Hey there, you don’t have to be ashamed. We help you now. You don’t ever have to feel this loneliness again. We’ll make sure of it. Right, Newton?”
„Absolutely.” David nothing but grinned.
„You see, there’s nothing to worry about anymore.”
Serena turned her head and asked shyly, „Promise?”
The boy, hovering above her, nodded. „Promise. But let’s get you into bed now. You’re cold. And we all have school tomorrow.”


* * *


Spending time with the boys made Serena happy. Since she had stopped living with her parents, her marks had improved and she laughed so much more. The only thing bugging her about having left her home was her brother. Steven was only eight and very close to her. And there she was, not having visited him for almost two months. It was autumn by now and the times the three friends spent on the balcony every evening decreased. Lucas’ birthday was coming up and David and Serena stood in the kitchen thinking about how they could make his 16th birthday a phenomenal day. They were planning a party in the Newman’s house and Serena wrote down a number of people they’d have to invite.
„What about his cousin, what’s his name again? – André.” David said, as he opened the fridge to take out some lemonade. „He lives in Hamburg, I think. Shall we invite him as well?”
Serena startled, „Sorry, what did you say, Dave?”
Offering her a glass, he sat down beside her at the counter. „What’s the matter, Serena? You’ve been so jumpy lately.”
She took the lemonade and drank some. „I miss my brother. I feel like I’m letting him down.”
„You don’t. It’s as hard for you as it is for him, I’d say.” He laid his arm around her shoulders in a consoling way.
„You’re probably right. But still…” Serena trailed off and averted her gaze from David’s piercing blue eyes.
The boy took her chin and held it up, so she could look him in the eyes. „You know what? Why don’t we visit your brother then? I’m sure we could arrange that.”
Serena’s eyes lit up immediately. „Really? But we haven’t even finished Lucas’ birthday preparations.”
„We can do that later. Come on, now we need to find a way how to get to your aunt’s.”


* * *


Visiting Steven wouldn’t be as easy as David had thought it would be. Said little boy lived now with Serena’s aunt, whose house was almost 50 kilometres away from their own hometown. So what they needed was something motorized to get there. With David, Lucas and Serena being all underage, no one of them had a driver’s licence. And go the way by bus would take too much time. David was clueless. He wanted his new roommate to have the chance to reunite with her brother again. Though, it would fail at implementation in the end.
Fortunately, Lucas had an idea. „Don’t worry”, he said, „I think I know someone who could help us out a little.” He grabbed the phone and only ten minutes the door bell rang. Lucas opened it. „Guys, this is – “
„Sebastian!” Serena exclaimed happily, as she hugged the tall man, „Long time no see.”
Lucas was confused. „You know him?”
„He used to my mentor at the confirmation lessons in church. Right, Bastian?”
„Sebastian – a mentor?” Lucas repeated unbelievingly.
„Serena – going to church?” David added.
„Come on, kids”, Sebastian picked up their piece of conversation, „I’m here to bring you to Serena’s aunt. Let’s go.”
Sebastian was a 21-year-old man. He was tall, had brought shoulders and blond, short hair. Also, he was wearing glasses and full of humour. Serena had been right, in his teen time he had worked as a mentor for parishioners to earn some money for his scholastics. He studied Business Administration in Bremen, but right now he was on vacation.


* * *

They were already on their tour back. The afternoon had been wonderful. Serena had finally seen her little brother again and it had been hard for her not to burst out in tears right there. Steven had told her how much he missed her and his family. It made Serena sad to hear that, but she was also glad to have been able to speak with Steven again. She had promised him to call more often from now on and Sebastian had even offered to bring her to her aunt’s, when he had the time.
With her eyes closed, Serena leant against the car’s window. To signal the other boys that she was asleep, Lucas made a quiet hush sound. His gaze wandered over to the young girl, her expression drowned in exhaustion. Gently he tucked the strands, falling into her face, back and spread out his jacket over her shivering form. When she began to stir, he softly whispered, „It’s alright, Serena, just sleep. I’m here for you.”


* * *


It was September, 18th – one day before Lucas’ birthday. Serena and David had finished their party plans and the party had already begun. The invited guests and the birthday boy himself were already drinking and dancing in the living room of the Newman’s house. It wasn’t nearly as big as the Newton mansion, but Serena was very familiar with it, since her friend Jenny lived in here, as well. It was nearing midnight and Lucas’ friends made a countdown. „…3…2….1…0…Happy Birthday, Lucas!” They all cheered. The boy, who just turned 16, was showered with presents and congratulations by the people around him. David patted his shoulder and Serena went to embrace him, whispering an honest ‘happy birthday’ in his ear. Lucas smiled.
Most of the guests had already left, when it was around 3am in the morning. Jenny, David, Sebastian, and André, they all sat together around the small round table in the living room, telling jokes or sharing the latest gossip. Lucas had asked Serena to go outside with him. Again, the Newman’s garden wasn’t nearly as big as David’s, but nice. It was dark outside, but the lamps in the house shone bright enough to the outside. „So”, Lucas started, „I just wanted to thank you for the beautiful gift.”
Serena shrugged. „It’s from Dave, too. I guessed you’d like to have an own bass guitar. So you don’t have to use that old one from school all the time.”
Lucas blushed. That was strange. He never blushed. „You’re right. I am.”
She eyed him suspiciously. „What did you want to tell me? I mean, why are we out here in the garden?”
He blinked back, words caught in his throat. Her gaze changed to a questioning one.
„Well, if you’ve got nothing to say, I’m going inside again. I hope you don’t mind – “
The brunette turned to go, but he grasped her wrist slightly, brushing the paled scars by accident. „Don’t go, Serena!” He replied. It sounded like a command, though it was meant as a request. „Please.”
Serena was confused. Why was Lucas acting so strangely? Or was he just drunk? „Lucas, I don’t understand – “
But she was lost in mid-sentence, when a pair of soft, warm lips was pressed against hers.
Serena’s eyes went wide and she didn’t react. His lips were silently begging for entrance, but she couldn’t move at all. She hadn’t expected this. Her mind was blank. It took her even a few seconds to realize what was happening. And when she did, she made a decision.
With force she pushed him away, disconnecting their lips as well. Lucas stared at her, fear in his eyes and his hands held up in a defensive pose. Serena touched her lips and stared at him. „What the hell do you think you’re doing?” She yelled at him. He tried to excuse his behaviour and to apologize to her, but when he came nearer, she shouted again. „Get away from me!” He stopped and watched dumbfounded, as she hurried away. He could see her bursting through the living room, with the others looking all shocked after her.


* * *


„You left so quickly last night”, David said, as he sat down across Serena at the table. „Would you like a bagel?” He took his and coated it with black cherry jam.
Serena stared at her breakfast and sighed. „Davy?”
„Hmm?”
„Lucas kissed me last night.” She said it like it was something terrible.
„I know”, he answered, taking a bite, „I’ve seen it. We all have seen it.”
„Oh no”, she gasped and took her head in her hands, „what should I do now? I don’t know how to react.”
„Well, how do you feel about him?”
„He’s a friend. He’s nice. You’re a friend, too.”
„But do you have any other feelings for him?”
„Yes, but I don’t think it’s love.”
„What is it then?”
„I don’t know. Maybe gratefulness?”
„Anyways”, David cleared his throat, „it’s your choice. You’ve gotta talk to him.”
Serena nodded slowly. „Alright, but what’s your position in this whole thing?”
„You mean what I think about you and Lucas together?” David thought for a moment. „Well, you’re my best friends, seeing you two together might be weird. But then again, Lucas is a good guy and you’re like my little sister. I just want your best.” He smiled. „I’m happy, when you are.”
„Aww”, Serena said with a hint of amusement in her voice, „that’s so sweet of you. Thank you, brother.” Before she turned to go, she bent down to give him a little peck on his cheek. Then she headed towards the Newman’s, with the decision still to make.


* * *


A nervous feeling crept up her chest, but she tried to push it down again. She rang the door bell and waited impatiently.
Mr Newman opened and looked surprised at her. „Good morning, Serena.”
„Good morning, Mr Newman.” She fidgeted before she continued. „Is Lucas there?”
Lucas’ father smiled. „He is, but we’re about to go to the synagogue.”
Serena gasped. „Oh, I’m sorry, Sir. I forgot. Maybe I’ll come by later.”
„Don’t worry. That’s alright, my dear.” A female voice said and Mrs Newman appeared next to her husband. „Would you like to come with us?”
Serena smiled embarrassed. „That would be nice. But would that be okay with you?”
„Of course”, the woman answered, „We belong to a liberal community after all. So it won’t be a problem. Come on, let’s go to the car. Robert, would you call the kids?”
„Sure”, Mr Newman replied and disappeared in the house again.
Mrs Newman instead walked into the garage with the young girl, who nervousness still hadn’t vanished. „Mrs Newman…I don’t think I’m wearing appropriate clothes”, she said unsure of herself, as she looked down herself, facing her black jeans and her green pullover. „I don’t want to attract attention.”
„You look fine”, Mrs Newman told her and gestured for her to enter the car. „And you can call us by our first names, dear. My name’s Maria and my husband’s Robert.”
Serena smiled happily. „Thank you, Mrs New – Maria.”


* * *


Serena hadn’t thought that a family could be like this and that visiting a house of God could be so…fulfilling. She was still awestruck, as Lucas opened the car’s door and helped her out. Lost in her thoughts about the recent event, she had almost forgotten why she’d come here in the first place.
„Would you like to go to the park? I’ll just bring my kippah into the house, ask my parents and come right back here, okay?”
Serena nodded and waited. He was back within two minutes and took her hand. „Let’s go.”
They started to walk in silence, no one of them was sure about how to bring that special topic up.
„It’s good that my family are liberal Jews, otherwise simple walking like this wouldn’t be allowed.” The 16-year-old laughed. „But my parents aren’t so strict with the rules anyway. I mean most of them they dismiss and Jenny and I are allowed to eat most anything.” He wore a faraway look in his warm, brown eyes. Everything about him was warm, Serena mused silently, his eyes, his lips and his body walking right beside her much smaller form. „My parent would even agree to let us marry someone non-Jewish.”
Serena giggled. They had already entered the park and she knew it was time to reveal the things they had to talk about. „Lucas, well, I guess you know why I want to speak with you.”
The two stopped and he turned around to look at her delicate face. She was desperately trying to tear away her gaze from his, but she found herself unable to.
„I didn’t want to hurt you last night.” She told him, leaving open whether she meant physical or mental pain. „And if I did, in any way, I’m sorry.”
„You don’t have to be”, Lucas relented. „It was me who took you by surprise. It wasn’t my intention to scare you off.”
Her small lips curved into a smile. „You didn’t. And I’ve made up my mind.” She laid her arms around his shoulders and pulled them closer together.
„You’re my friend, Lucas. And I can’t thank you enough for saving my life, even twice. You are awesome and I’d like to give us a try.” Suddenly she averted her eyes, „But I can’t promise you anything. Don’t expect too much, for I don’t know how this will turn out.”
Lucas pulled her chin up gently. „That’s okay. Serena, I love you. You’re all I care about. And of course, I will consider your feelings and won’t force you to anything.”
„Then kiss me.”
And this time it was a real kiss. His lip touched her gently and the contact sent sensations running through their bodies. Carefully he deepened the kiss, marvelling at the satin texture of her lips. She pressed her lips against his, holding them there, before her patience left her. She wanted more. He answered her thirst by gently nibbling at her lower lip. Shyly, Serena opened her mouth more, allowing his tongue to enter her mouth, before caressing it with her own. They stayed like this for several moments. Blood pulsed excitingly through their veins, letting them feel more alive than ever before.
This has to be the best day ever, Lucas decided in his mind. It was not only Sabbath, but his birthday, too. He felt great and he definitely didn’t wish for anything to change.


* * *


„I will never understand how you can actually believe in a higher power”, David grumbled, as he set the table in the big living room of the Newton mansion.
„Me, neither”, Serena chirped in, carrying a tray with glasses. In the corner, where an old oriental lamp used to stand, was now the magnificent Christmas tree with a size of about two metres. The boys had bought it, while Jenny and she had decorated the plant just this morning. „Instead of praying so much, you could rather help me out here”, she exclaimed, as she lit up the last candle on the Hanukah. „Besides, it’s so funny that your family is Jewish, but you do celebrate Christmas with us.”
„It’s funny that you two atheists celebrate Christmas at all, when it’s a Christian holiday” Lucas replied before kissing her forehead. „And the prayers are for you, my dear.”
„For me?” Her face changed to confusion. „What do you mean?”
Lucas smiled honestly, „I’m praying, so nothing bad will ever happen to you. Somebody has to look out for you, and since you aren’t religious, it’s my responsibility to pray for your well-being.”
„You’re crazy”, the brunette laughed, but sealed his lips with a quick kiss, „but sweet. Thank you.”
„I’ll help Jenny in the kitchen”, her boyfriend declared and stood up.
„He really believes in that stuff, does he?” David grinned and handed her the last Christmas gifts and cards for her to put under the tree.
„Let him”, she answered cautiously, „I think it makes him happy. And if he is, I am, too.”
„It’s awkward”, he said suddenly, his mind far away.
„What is, Davy?”
„It’s already Christmas Eve. Time’s running fast, since we met you.”
Serena nodded. „Yeah, it is. Thank you for letting me live here since summer. I’ve never really showed my gratefulness, but I really am.”
„No need to thank me, sister”, he smirked, „even though, I don’t know how I’ll explain my father the fact that you live here, when he visits us the day after tomorrow.”
„Oh no, I don’t want to get you into trouble, Dave.” Serena stopped and looked at him seriously.
„Don’t look like that, it’ll be alright. We’ll find a way and my father won’t be mad at you.”
„It’s Christmas Eve, nobody is allowed to be mad at anybody”, Jenny said in a sing-sang voice, entering the great living room. In her hands she held a bowl of soup. „It’s dinner time, my friends!”
All stuffed and sated – Jenny had just proven herself as an excellent cook – the distribution of presents was on. The boys had given Serena something very special. It was a silver necklace, a heart-shaped pendant tangling down from it. While outside the initials of the first names were engraved „LSD” – for Lucas, Serena and David obviously – the inside contained a picture of her and Lucas on the one side and on the other half a photo of her, David and Lucas. It was absolutely marvellous. Serena couldn’t just thank them enough and her fingers played with the pendant the whole evening.
And among the Christmas cards, there was something for Serena, too. A letter, ornamented with small snowflakes, was addressed to her. Curiously, she opened the envelope and took out the letter. Her laughter stopped as she began reading the words silently. Jenny viewed her friend with concern. „What’s wrong, Serena?”
She answered immediately, her voice hoarse and insecure. „My parents are back. They want me to live with them again.”


* * *

„It is going to be so awkward”, Serena sighed, as she packed the rest of her belongings into her bag. „I’ll miss this house.”
„You can always come by and visit, sister”, David said shouldering her backpack. „Well, then, should we go?”
„Just a moment”, she answered and walked over to him to pull him in a great hug. „Thank you, Davy, thank you for everything!”
„Hey, hey”, he said, not quite returning the embrace because of the bag on his back, „it’s not like we have to say farewell for forever. We’re still your friends.”
„I know”, she sniffed and grabbed a second bag from the bed, „I’m ready, let’s go.”
Bad memories weighed down on her, as she entered her so-called home. She hadn’t felt at home in here for the longest time, after all the Newton mansion had become her home and now she was supposed to live here

again. How was she going to do this?
Her thoughts were interrupted, when her parents approached her. Her mother quickly hugged her, her grip tight and almost suffocating. She was crying.
Her father behaved more composed, though Serena noticed the tension in him. Steven had come back, as well. Serena went upstairs into her room. Someone had tidied it up. The razor blades were gone and the bed was made. Also, the whole room smelled fresh and finally held a note of comfort. Unpacking her clothes, Serena sighed in content. Maybe this time, things would turn out for the better.


* * *


Serena had never understood what really happened with her parents, while she was away, but she decided that it was best for her not to know. The paradise at home was definitely nicer than that nightmare of life before, yet she knew that most of the happiness was faked. Though, she couldn’t care less, everything important to her were her friends, especially Lucas. It was in March, some weeks after her 14th birthday, when Lucas had invited her to stay over the weekend. His parents were gone and so was his sister, and Lucas wanted to enjoy his free weekend with Serena. Until now, the couple had done nothing more than kissing and some innocent touches, but tonight that would change. At least, if Serena had a saying in this. Yes, it was actually her who wanted to take their relationship a step higher. She loved Lucas with all her being and was glad to be given such a chance to be alone with him.
So, here she was, sitting on his bed in loose black trousers and thin grey top. Night had already fallen in, and candles – she had lit earlier – illuminated the room. Lucas entered the room with hesitation. „You know, we don’t have to do this tonight.”
„Lucas, we’ve talked about his, I am sure.” Her eyes narrowed. „Or is it you who is actually afraid of this?” When his gaze avoided hers, she just had to laugh. „I never imagined my fearless prince would be scared of sex.”
„What?” He blushed deeply. „I can’t help but being nervous. Remember it’s my first time, too!”
„That’s why you don’t have to be embarrassed. I’m sorry I laughed at you. I just want to experience this together, with you”, Serena’s voice turned honestly and all of the mocking tone was gone by now. „Now come here, sweetheart.”
Lucas did so and went over to his bed. Serena knelt, her hands reaching for his face, caressing it lovingly. They kissed deeply at first and then very slowly, his lips were the softest and warmest lips she'd ever felt. The sweetness of his lips made her want more of him. The gentle kiss quickly became a wild embrace as she led him down onto the bed with her. They rolled around in each others arms giggling with delight. But fun was not the only thing they would share tonight. As passion overtook the control, Lucas pushed up her top and pulled it off of her. He laid her down on her back and looked at her exposed breasts, now only covered by a thin black, satin bra. „You’re beautiful”, he whispered against her skin before he started to shower her flat stomach with butterfly kisses. All the while his soft hand caressed her pale pink breasts, fitting in his hand so perfectly.
Soon, the rest of their clothing followed, as they continued to explore each other bodies. When Serena’s hand wandered over his chest to his lower abdomen, he sighed in pleasure. Lucas turned around to grab the condom form the bedside table, before rolling it down onto his manhood. Then that final moment had come, as he entered his love. Absolute new feelings ran through the teenagers. Her eyes grew wide, she unconsciously began to thrust her hips against his, needing stimulation. Lucas answered with a smile, before complying with her request. They held each other motionless and silent for a few moments, and then he began thrusting. It seemed like hours passing. She met him each time and their eyes locked until their orgasms built up like a wave.
When they had come back to earth, they laid beside each other. Lucas wrapped his arms around her small, gorgeous form, holding his love tight. He kissed her hair and stroked her soft skin. Serena smiled in the afterglow as they became drowsy, their bodies overwhelmed by the newfound sparkles of pleasure.
Before they fell asleep, Lucas softly whispered in her ear, „I love you.” Serena was about to reply the same, when sleep won the fight over her consciousness.


* * *

„Okay, so now, stay still and smile!“ Serena said and rushed over to sit between them. The camera clicked.
„Are we finished now?” Lucas grumbled.
„Yeah, I think so”, David said, while getting up to pack his camera and its tripod together.
„Good, that means I can finally cuddle with you”, Lucas laughed and threw himself on Serena.
„Stop that Lucas!” She giggled, when he started to tickle her.
„Not in a million years!” He smirked. „I just love hearing your laughter!”
David shook his head. „You two are too embarrassing sometimes.” He went down on the grass to sit beside the couple. When Lucas finally stopped torturing the girl’s belly, they laid down next to him.
„This day is wonderful”, Serena smiled.
„It truly is”, David agreed.
„Yeah.”
The three friends lay in the garden of the Newton mansion. Above them the sun shone and the sky was all blue. It was June by now, a couple of days after David’s 17th birthday. The weather was awesome and the group enjoyed the warm temperatures by simply hanging around in the nature.
„I hope it could stay like this forever.” Serena said with a longing in her voice.
„I hope so, too”, Lucas hummed.
Suddenly Serena shot her head up and shifted to a sitting position. „Let’s make a promise then.”
The boys looked at her. It wasn’t usual for her to say such things. She took a hand from each of them and announced: „Let’s promise we’ll never let anything take away our happiness together.”
Lucas and David smiled. Looked like she had finally gotten past her dark times.
„Well then”, David said. „I promise.”
„I promise, too”, Lucas vowed and bent his head to kiss Serena’s cheek.
Serena’s lips turned up into a beautiful and honest smile. „I promise.”
But life is unpredictable and doesn’t consider the promises you’ve might have made. Though, in their young minds, they didn’t think about that. They wanted their happiness to last, but one day, the moment would come they’d get heavily disappointed. And this moment wasn’t as far away as they might have wanted it to be.


* * *


„I don’t want you to leave”, Serena was near to tears, when Lucas looked into her eyes. He gave her a feeble smile. „I know, honey, but I just can’t help it. My dad has to move because of his job and it’s not like I’m leaving you forever.” When he tried to kiss her in apology, she pulled away.
„Then why don’t you just stay in the first place? I’m sure you could live at the Newton’s.”
Lucas’ face froze. „Hasn’t Dave told you yet?”
The 14-year-old looked at her boyfriend confused. „What do you mean by that?”
„I’m moving, too.” David said, as he entered Lucas’ room. „My mother wants me to live with her in Hatfield.”
„Hatfield?” She asked unbelievingly. „But that’s in England. And - and Lucas here is going to Hamburg. What’s wrong with you guys? Why are you leaving me behind?” Unwanted tears welled up in her gorgeous green eyes.
„Serena”, Lucas said and wrapped his arms around her, „we’re your friends. Of course, we’ll stay in contact and we’ll see each other soon again.”
In between her sobs, she let out a whiny „How?”
„For starters, we’re going to write you every day”, David suggested.
„And I’ll visit you as often as I can”, Lucas added. „You don’t have to worry. In less than a year, I’ll turn 18. Then I’m going to buy a little apartment just for the two of us.”
Serena wiped her tears away. „I’m just so scared to lose you. I mean, all of you. You two, Jenny, André and Lucas’ awesome parents…” She began to cry again, her words going under during it.
„You won’t lose us, Serena”, Lucas hushed her. „Besides, there isn’t anything that can really separate us”, David spoke up, „After all, we’re LSD

.”


* * *


Serena threw her bag into the corner with full force. She was so angry right now. It was her 15th birthday and no one of them was here. It wasn’t like she wanted a big party or anything, but she would have been glad to spend the day with Jenny, David and most especially Lucas. The latter had just called her, when she was about to head home from school. He had told her that he couldn’t come by this evening and how very sorry he was. Serena had answered him that he should better hang up and go, before she was going to end their relationship. Now she regretted her harsh words, but she had been really furious at him.
She let out a hard, relieving cry before her shoulders slumped down. Looking around the kitchen, she decided it was best to do the dishes, since her parents were too busy arguing. The situation hadn’t really changed. It was quite the opposite, her parents behaved as badly as they did before she met Lucas and David. She sighed, as she opened tap, letting the water fill up the sink.
After washing the dishes, she grabbed her favourite blanket, turned on the TV and sat down on the couch. At least, this evening her favourite show was on due. Snuggling into the warm blanket, Serena looked through the window. Her eyes drifted far away into a dreaming state. Outside it was almost freezing and rain drummed down onto the ground. You could expect such weather in January.
The phone rang and she wondered, if her parents picked up her phone or if it was on her. She really wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. After some times ringing, the birthday girl pushed the blanket aside and stood up reluctantly. She picked up the phone and announced her name. A familiar voice answered her, „Here’s Maria.” Serena noticed the trembling in Mrs Newman’s voice and feared what was about to come. „Lucas had an accident this evening. He’s dead.”
Serena couldn’t say if Maria said anything else to her because the phone hit the floor, the second she had received the bad news. Completely stoic, she returned to the living room, turning off the TV and situating the blanket neatly folded onto the ground. She grabbed her coat and dressed without hurry. Then she shouted, „I’m going for a walk” into the dark house, though probably nobody even noticed.
Serena made her way to the rail station and took the next train to Hamburg. As she watched the landscape passing by through the window, her thoughts were racing, although she didn’t realize the deep impact of the information, she had just been given. The rain soon became a storm, as night fell over area. Her eyes had become empty. And whenever a guard came by, she didn’t look up or talk. She simply held the ticket up and waited till he was gone again. Everything was so surreal. Suddenly, she couldn’t even remember why she was on this train. All she knew was, she was going to see Lucas today. Shouldn’t that make her happy? Then why did she feel so miserable?


* * *


„He was hit by a car. The driver was drunk and had overseen the red traffic light. Lucas had no chance to dodge the crash”, Mr Newman whispered in a sad voice, as he entered the Jewish mortuary with his wife, his daughter and Serena. Jenny was crying in her mother’s arms, while Robert and Maria had a hard time holding back their tears. Serena slowly walked to the place, where Lucas’ corpse lay. There he was, blue spots all over his body, some cuts marking the fresh wounds from the accident. But to her, he was as beautiful as ever. His soft brown hair surrounded his manly face and his hands had been nicely placed at his sides. He looked so handsome in the black tuxedo. And if you looked closely, you could see his chest moving because of his breathing.
Serena’s hand reached out to touch his chest. „What are you talking about?” She said with the delirious happiness of a child. „His heart – it’s beating.”
Mr Newman looked up to the young girl, who now caressed the face of the dead young man. „And look, he’s breathing.” She bent down to kiss his forehead softly. „I knew everything would be alright. He promised me so.”
Mrs Newman’s head was now tilted up as well. She exchanged insecures glance with her husband, before telling Jenny to leave the hall.
„Serena, my dear”, Maria sobbed and laid an arm around the girl’s shoulders, „come outside with me.”
But Serena struggled to get out of the woman’s grip and instead took her boyfriend’s hand. „No! I don’t want to leave him. I want to be there, when he wakes up!”
Tears rolled down the face of Mrs Newman and her voice cracked. „He isn’t going to wake up.”
„Of course he is”, Serena argued eagerly, „he loves me, he won’t leave me!”
Jenny’s father didn’t know what to do anymore. He could clearly see that the situation was overstraining the girl’s mind. So he carefully stepped towards her. „It’s okay, Serena. He needs to sleep for now. Come with me.”
„I can’t leave him alone! He’ll be lonely!” Her breath was laboured and she started to feel fainting.
„It’s okay, take my hand, he’ll be alright.” Just as she did as he asked, her legs gave in and she blacked out. At least, now he could carry her to the Newman’s house without having her fighting back. Mrs Newman, still crying, called a taxi and a doctor, who would examine the exhausted 14-year-old as soon as they arrived at home.


* * *


„She’s in deep shock. The confrontation with your son’s death has caused a trauma in her. It would be the best for her to rest a while.”
„Thank you, doctor”, Mr Newman answered and closed the door. His gaze wandered to the 14-year-old, whose foggy eyes had cleared again. Serena sat on the couch, seemingly not aware of what happened around her. Her fingers were shivering and her skin was paled to almost white.
„He is really dead, isn’t he?” Her voice was quivering as well and her eyes contained a feeling of indifference, as she glanced at he boyfriend’s father, who simply nodded. „Can I…can I go into his room, please?”
He figured out that was maybe a way to relieve her sorrow, so he agreed. „Yes.”
Serena stormed upstairs and lay down onto his bed. It smelt so wonderful of him. She closed her eyes, willing to let this nightmare fade away. Soon enough, she would be wakening with Lucas’ arm around her, his breath tickling her neck. She waited, but when she opened her eyes, she still was in Lucas’ room, with the little bedside lamp on, outside Hamburg at night. No, no, no! Her head now screamed inside of her. She grabbed his pillow tight and breathed in. This couldn’t be happening, this couldn’t be the real world!
Because if it was, then she just wanted to die right here.


* * *


Almost two days had passed by and Serena refused to leave Lucas’ room. Maria had tried to call her for dinner, but she didn’t come downstairs. When Mr Newman asked her to eat anything, she didn’t comply. At least, she took the water Jenny had brought her. All the time, Serena lay on his bed, staring out into the distance. Dark circles marked her green eyes and there was no sign of colour left in her face. She couldn’t sleep, she couldn’t eat and it was beyond her how she was still able to breathe. It was dawn and she listened to the clock ticking, when suddenly someone entered the room. Though, she didn’t bother to look up, until she felt a warm hand on her cheek. „Serena.”
Her gaze met a pair of bright blue eyes, which screamed of sorrow and regret. He carefully sat down onto the bed, next to the girl’s now alerted frame. If he was here, then it was real. „David?” It was even less than a whisper. She pushed herself up into a halfway sitting position. „I don’t want him to be gone.”
David took her hand and his and pulled the devastated being in his arms. „I know”, he breathed into her unruly hair, „I know.”
Serena closed her eyes and leaned against his shoulder. She was in so deep pain, that she didn’t even care what was going to happen the following day. As she drifted off into a dreamless sleep, the fact of the upcoming funeral was disappearing in between the mess of her thoughts.


* * *


Rain fell down from the clouds that hadn’t left Hamburg for days. It was nearly unbearable. Grief and sadness weighed down on the people standing in front of the young man’s grave. Lucas had died at the age of 17. It wasn’t a common funeral, since it was not only Jewish, but also about such a young person. His family from all places in the world had come to pay him their last respects. Maria, Robert and Jenny were crying and holding each other, when the rabbi spoke the prayer and the blessing. David had tears in his eyes, which silently slid down his face. In his hand, he held an umbrella, covering Serena and himself from the cold rain drops. He looked over to her, who didn’t cry or weep at all. Her eyes still held no emotions, as she stared at the ground. Making no sign of reaction, she had watched the whole rite. The emerald iris stayed hollow, even when the grave was filled up with dirt. The ceremony was almost over and the rabbi invited them all to the obsequies afterwards. The crowd was leaving, but Serena stayed behind. When David noticed, he turned around to call for his friend, though he heard her immediately.
Angry sobs and broken cries could be heard loudly and all over the cemetery. Now even the funeral guests looked back to see the young girl slumping down to the ground, tears were spilling over her beautiful face.
„You promised me”, she screamed, smashing her fists on the ground, „You promised!” Her skin brushed the ground and was covered with mud. „Liar! I trusted you and here you go, breaking your promise!” Her breath was laboured and the people around her were shocked by her behaviour, even though she could care less. „How can you do this to me? Why do you leave me alone?” She sank down, her clothes completely drenched by now, onto the earth. „I need you so, Lucas!” Her cries were muffled by her hands, she had just pressed against her face. David knew he had to interfere before she would try to harm herself or anyone else around her. It was breaking him even more to see her suffering so badly. He approached her soaked and shivering form and put his coat around her. „Let’s go, Serena.”
She didn’t protest, when he helped her to stand up and held her in his arm, his other still carrying the umbrella. The crowd watched them with a pitiful look, some even eyed at Serena with a sense of outrage. David tried to shield his friend from those strangers as best as he could and took a taxi to the hotel he lived in.


* * *


Her make-up was smeared, her clothes wet and her skin way too cold. David brought her into the bathroom of the little apartment, he lived in for the time being. It was in a hotel, not far away from the Newman’s house. Robert and Maria had invited him to stay at theirs, but he had politely declined. He knew there wasn’t so much room and he didn’t want Lucas’ parents to care about another guest after their son’s death. Turning on the heating, David took her soppy clothes to hang them up to dry. Now he needed to find some new clothes for Serena to wear. He knew she had come to Hamburg without anything at all, so he quickly took the tube to fetch some trousers and sweaters from Jenny. He found himself lucky that no one beside Jenny noticed his quick visit. The rest of the family was busy with the funeral service.
When he returned, Serena sat on the couch, already showered and now dressed in the bath robe of the hotel. „I’ve got some clothes from Jenny for you”, David said, as he sat down across her in the arm chair. He looked different from before, but Serena couldn’t figure out why and how. He just looked…different than he was in her memory. But maybe that was just because they hadn’t seen each other for nearly half a year. She stared in his eyes, her skin still pale despite of the hot shower water.
„It’s my fault he died.”
David’s eyes widened. He shook his head, „No, Serena. It is not your fault. It was an accident and if it was anyone’s fault, then it was that van driver’s.”
„No, actually it was mine.” She said calmly and before the man could argue, she continued. „I had a fight with him on my birthday. He couldn’t come by, so I became angry and told him to leave me alone before I would tear our relationship apart.”
The words sank into David. He understood how guilty she might feel because her last words to Lucas hadn’t been nice, but he failed to see why those were the reason for his death.
„He had soccer training that day. And because I shut him up, he decided to leave half an hour earlier than usual.” She gulped. „If I hadn’t made such a fuss about him not being there at my birthday, he wouldn’t have left so early, he wouldn’t have hit that car.” She gulped. „And he wouldn’t have died.” Her lips trembled.
„It’s not you fault”, David simply replied.
„It is.”
„It’s not – “ He was cut off, as she lunged for him, tearing at his shirt. Her hands were desperate to come in contact with his skin. David knew he had to stop her pathetic attempt for closeness, but something stopped him. It was like being in trance.
He shuffled off the bath robe off her shoulders, exposing her naked body for his view. Hectically, Serena stripped off the rest of his clothes. Their eyes roamed over each others’ bodies, blazing with neither love nor lust, but mania. Within seconds, they were all over each other, grabbing flesh in a frantic way, never exchanging a kiss. Falling onto the bed, their fingers reached for every piece of skin.
They were acting like drugged, quiet moans and sighs matching the course of their encounter. Serena’s sight was blurred. Her mind couldn’t manage the information given by her body. Their thrusts were hard and choppy, supposed to bring quick release.
It was fast, short and sating, but not satisfying. David crashed down on her, heavily panting. Serena groaned as his weight pressed down on her. The feeling of him above her or in actual fact in her let her fling her eyes open wide. Realization set in just as fast as lunacy had and she pushed him off of her.
One look in his eyes and she knew David had realized what had happened only seconds ago as well. Serena hurried all over the room, picking up the clothes from Jenny. She began mumbling something about right and wrong, but David couldn’t make out what she was trying to say. After putting on the pullover and jeans, she stopped to look at him. „What have we done, David?” She asked breathlessly without really expecting an answer. „I have to go.”
Serena was out of the room before David could have even told her that she wasn’t wearing shoes.


* * *


She hadn’t seen David since that fateful night one year ago. After all, Serena had left the town as fast as she could. She had taken the next train and had been running home, without shoes. Later, Jenny had told her how worried her family had been about her and her sudden departure. Serena had managed to assure them that she had been overstrained by the whole situation and that had had to leave. She had also heard that David had left Germany again to return to live with his mother. A word about her night with David was never lost on any conversation, with anyone. The fear of being detected and exposed was immense, even if not as big as the fear of facing the truth. Serena had never felt more ashamed than in the moment she had lain beneath David’s naked body, opening her eyes and realizing that she had just had sex with him on her boyfriend’s funeral day. The knowledge about this alone ate her away. In the end she couldn’t even understand how she could be dealing with coming back to this place. His grave.

Lucas Newman, 19 September 1990 – 8 January 2007

The tombstone read. Serena kneeled to lie down a white lily on it. She stood up and viewed his grave. It was almost impossible to believe that one year had passed by since Lucas’ death. Today, Serena turned 16. It should be a day to celebrate, but instead she stood on the Jewish cemetery in Hamburg, soft snowflakes falling down. She wore a black, tight dress she had which reflected her state of grief. Her dark coat was wrapped around her securely, protecting her from the cold. She had always avoided a confrontation with her past, but she just couldn’t refuse to visit the Newman’s, when they had invited her to the one-year commemoration. And besides, Lucas deserved better treatment from her, too. Serena had tried to hide, but in the end, the truth had caught up with her. It was time to finally come clean about it.
„I miss you”, she said in a low voice, uncaring if anybody would hear her, „and I apologize for not visiting you earlier. I was scared. Scared of your death, of what happened with David and of myself, but I never forgot about you. You were always in my thoughts.” She fidgeted and pulled out the heart-shaped pendant from under her coat. „I didn’t mean to call you a liar. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. Deep down inside of me, I know you’ve always wanted my best. I’d like to thank you for that. Without you, I wouldn’t even be anymore.” She averted her gaze, as she continued. „I’m sorry I slept with David. It’s not anything I’m proud of. I’m even more sorry it happened after your funeral.” There was no running and hiding from the truth now. „It wasn’t right, I know that, but believe me, when I say it hadn’t anything to do with love and I’ve never had the intention to hurt you. I understand it’s not easy to forget that, but I’d be happy if you could forgive me. One day perhaps?”
From in between the clouds, some rays of light met her face, whose cheeks were flushed from the cold. The sun glowed softly through the traces of snow. Serena smiled. „I’ve met a boy. He’s nice and I really grow to like him. Don’t worry, I’ll always love you, but I hope to get a chance to begin living again. Please be okay with that.” She kissed the palm of her hand and pressed it onto the gravestone. „I won’t make any promises to you this time, because we both know how they tend to turn out. Just know that I’ll keep you in my heart, even when I’ll be building up my new life.”


Serena stood up and left the cemetery with a feeling of relief and peace. It would be another year before she would return to this place once again.


End of part 1/3

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 04.08.2009

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