Alex had never known his mother, nor his father. In fact, Alex had decided that he’d never want to know them! If they didn’t want him in their life, nor did he. Yet, however much he tried to illustrate this to himself, some small part of him remained curious. But there was probably nothing he could do about that.
Alex still couldn’t decide whether his life had turned out for the better. Yes, he had been abandoned, but what would his life be like if Dane had never found him? Would his life be better? Would he be living in a proper house? Would he be going to school, have friends, maybe even a girlfriend? It was on this subject Alex had dwelled many times before, yet as he matured, he seemed to sit by himself, brooding, talking to no one less and less. On the contrary, he found it much easier to talk to people about it!
But what if Alex hadn’t been found by Dane? Would some weird family have found him and adopted him? Would he be in a care home right now? And what if he’d never even been found? What if he’d be dead? He had every reason to be thankful to Dane! Alex owed him!
So why, Alex asked himself, did he have to insist on running away all the time? It never went successfully, so why bother at all? One of the performers was sure to find him-they always did! Once, Alex had managed to get to another town by hitching a ride and had just ended up lost! That was the furthest he had ever got and one of the performers had found him then! And when he was brought back to the camp, Dane always reacted in three stages. 1. He would be angry and yell the place down; waking everyone up if it was at night! 2. His anger would leave him and he would go silent, not talking. 3 He would be happy. Overwhelmingly so. He would be relieved the Alex was home and hug him and tell Alex he loved him and then crack open the hot chocolate and celebrate. Maybe this was why Alex always ran away- there was always hot chocolate at the end.
But tonight it was different. Tonight, Alex was 16. Alex didn’t know whether there was a law to say that 16 year-olds could leave home or not (Alex had never gone to school) but he was gonna do it anyway. Wouldn’t he? Dane would be alright without him. And so would the others! It wasn’t like they were related or anything. Dane had looked after him all his life and never once had they been out of the camp (except for when Alex had run away). You couldn’t cage the beast. Else it got angry.
Alex stood at the edge of the camp, a backpack slung over his shoulder.
Dane would be alright without him, wouldn’t he? It wasn’t like he was Alex’s dad or anything, so he’d be alright! He was old, sure, but he had the circus. He got paid. He had friends. But he was old. And it wasn’t like they had much money or anything. Could Dane look after himself if Alex was gone?
Alex pondered this, not really sure how to answer his own question. He stepped next to a tree and leant against it. He gazed out onto the gravel path that led away from the forest clearing. He could go now and not look back. There was nothing that stood in his way. But could he leave Dane? It wasn’t as if he loved him or anything, was it? He had been like a father in some ways.
Alex let his bag drop from his shoulder and stood for a moment, breathing in the cold, night air. Eventually, he gave in to his thoughts and picked up his bag and went back to camp.
Dane had always been strict about letting Alex out of the camp. He only really left if Joseph let him help him get supplies or when he snuck away when there was a show on. Alex normally didn’t help out with the shows, he didn’t really like interacting with people and since he wasn’t very good at performing or doing anything special, he was always given jobs like handing out the tickets and selling refreshments and merchandise. He didn’t know why Dane didn’t let him have much freedom. I mean, he was a teenager! He needed space!

Alex came to the middle of the camp. The camp wasn’t a particularly large one- in fact, it only consisted of around 10 caravans used for living in and about five other trailers used for staring equipment such as the stage tent, fold-up chairs and tables, cooking equipment and props for the shows. There weren’t many people who occupied the camp, either. The shows usually consisted of about five acts, depending on who was having time off. Sometimes all six acts were performed; it usually depended on how big the audience was. Alex weaved his way through the caravans. The majority of the caravans were white, but those who were eccentric and preferred a more elaborate style had painted the outside of the caravans in bright, gypsy-themed yellows, red and greens.
He moved on towards his caravan. It was stood on the edge of camp, away from most of the other caravans and tents. Alex liked to be alone. He liked isolation, away from the hustle bustle of the circus. Alex did most things alone. He would do his chores in silence and try to avoid other people. He would eat alone and try to avoid conversations. He had a valid reason, though.
Alex stepped into his caravan. It was quite small, but he had no need for a large one. It was just one room; to one side was a table with seats either side. In front of the entrance were a bookcase and a set of drawers, on top of which was a hairbrush, several notebooks and the usual deodorant, plectrums and other curio he had acquired over the years from different places. On the wall above this was a collection of postcards from a variety of foreign places the circus had visited. Just behind the door was an acoustic guitar on a stand and the other side of the door was a desk. The top of the desk, however, could not be seen- it was covered in drawings, pens, paint brushes, pencils and other art equipment. Alex liked to draw a lot, even more than reading of playing his guitar. At the far right of the caravan was a bed set above the floor. It had a small sofa, crammed with cushions beneath it, which stuck out enough for Alex to use to get onto the bed. There were small lamps both above and beneath the bed. Just in front of the sofa next to the wall was a small, disused bedside table. Upon it was a set of IPod speakers- the IPod Touch already in the dock. Alex had been given this for his 13th birthday. It was the only really expensive present he’d ever got, and even this was bought with money saved up for months in advance- the whole circus contributing little and often. They may not have enough money, but it was touching how much like a family the circus was, even though none of them were actually related, save for the twins, who claimed to be mediums. Alex, however had not had the heart to tell them that to put music onto it, you needed a computer, so he had snuck out to an internet cafe and spent nearly all of what was on his debit card. Alex had a savings account, but not much money to put in it. The caravan was small and homely, yet it lacked one item that most teenage bedrooms’ contained.
There was no mirror.
Alex slumped down onto the sofa, immediately being almost swallowed by the squishy cushions and dumped his bag down on the floor. He pushed his thick, blond hair from his eyes and touched his IPod, listening to the depressing music fill the tiny space. Alex had tried to make his caravan devoid of anything that could show himself his reflection. Of course, this was almost impossible. Alex was constantly reminded of this fact.
The one thing in his life that he despised most, that he feared most was his reflection. It had been the cause of many arguments; many people had looked at him in fear. Some people had even yelled and ran away. Whenever he tried to talk to customers who came to watch the show, they would look at him as though he was a freak. The authorities had once even come to question Dane because Alex lived with him! They thought that he was keeping Alex against his will because he was a freak! The circus was not a freak show! No, Alex was a freak show all on his own!
Alex had a birth mark. It started on his forehead and took up the left half of his face in patches and splodges of violent red, then made it’s way down his neck and onto his back shoulder blade and left forearm. It made Alex sick at his own reflection. It was why he distanced himself. So no one would get scared and run away from him. So no one would treat him like a freak. Whenever he went out, he would wear a hoodie over his head and avoid the eyes of the public. Of course, the performers in the circus had reassured him nay a time that they thought of him no differently, but it just made him more self-conscious.
Well, thought Alex, he may as well get used to it. He’d been trying to do this, however, for years and had told himself this many times. There was a show on tomorrow night, and he was planning on trying to miss it. Feigning illness was his usual tac-tic, but he had used this too many times in the past and Dane was urging him more and more to do jobs that involved talking to people.
Alex hated it when he did that.
Eventually, Alex climbed into his bed, the music still on, willing himself to fall to sleep.

Alex sat on one of the fold-up benches and stared down at his bacon sandwich. Tonight loomed over him like a storm-cloud, obvious enough that anyone could see it!
Alley, a contortionist, had tried to cheer him up, her incredibly delicious bacon sandwich was welcome enough, but Alex just didn’t feel hungry.
Nearly all the performers in the circus were middle-aged, some were in their mid-twenties; there was no one Alex’s age. Dane was easily the oldest person in the circus, reaching a grand age of 50. Alex liked to brag about that very much! Dane lead the circus, he was the ringleader, if you like. Whenever they were putting on a performance, he would wear a red coat with a black collar, a black waistcoat and white shirt underneath. He would wear white gloves and a black top hat- it was fair to say Dane liked to look the part! Most of the other performers would dress up too; only people like Garry- who sung the opera- would just perform in normal clothes.
There were usually about five acts. Tonight, Garry was performing, and so was Alley, the contortionist. The twins, Elladora and Mirabella were going to do what they usually did and that was talk to ghosts. The group of acrobatic dancers Alex liked to call the Bendies were doing the usual as well. Tomas, the magician was going to do a brief performance. Only Dorothy, the escapologist wasn’t performing, as it was her evening off to sit and watch the rehearsals and the show.
Alex pushed aside his breakfast and started his chores for the day. Dane always gave Alex long list of chores to do to help out with the running of the circus. He made for his caravan, when a black Labrador came bounding up to him, tail wagging, a red, rubber ball in its mouth.
“Hey Bowser!” Alex greeted the dog. Bowser belonged to one of the Thertin, one of the acrobats, and was mostly disliked by the other performers, as he was so hyperactive, always looking for someone to play with. Alex reached down for the ball that was lodged in the dog’s mouth. He grunted as he pulled it from it’s mouth. Raising his arm, Alex threw the ball as far as he could into a cluster of trees. “Fetch!” whispered Alex as the dog sped off.
Hurrying away for fear Bowser may come back and demand a rematch, Alex looked at the first job on the list.
Clean out Mike’s cage.
Great. Dane had a mouse called Mike. Somehow, Alex always ended up with the job of feeding and cleaning out it’s cage. Alex wandered off, slowly in the direction of Dane’s caravan. He let himself in- it was always unlocked.
Cleaning the cage took no time at all; in fact, it was possibly the easiest job in the world! The only difficult bit was trying to get Mike in and out of his ball. Mike hated being handled, so while Alex’s large hand was grasping for the white rodent, Mike was busy dodging and diving.
After half an hour playing ‘catch-the-mouse’ with Mike, Alex left the caravan and looked around. Everyone was probably practicing for the performance and setting up the stage in the huge tent people called the ‘stage tent’. It was too small to be called a Big Top, so the performers called it the stage tent. He could see the top of it above a clump of trees as he wandered towards the centre of the deserted camp. Alex sat on a bench and looked up at the blue sky.
Looking down at his list of chores, Alex grimaced at his next chore.
Take Bowser for a walk.
Perfect! That meant leaving the camp. Alex went, solemnly back to his caravan to fetch his hoodie- he never left the camp without it.
Finding Bowser wasn’t easy, either. Alex hurried around the camp, leash in hand, shouting Bowser’s name. Just as he was on the point of giving up, a huge black blob came speeding towards him. Grabbing it’s neck and wrestling it to the ground, Alex managed to get Bowser into his leash before trying to hang onto the handle before Bowser could get away again.
After much struggle, Alex and Bowser walked, silently, from the campsite.
For Alex, it always felt strange to leave the campsite; he was so used to what went on in his surroundings of the circus that he had barely got to know what lay in the outside world. Sure, he had been out, but he hadn’t experienced it very much. Whenever he had run away, he had never been there long enough to really see. The same went for helping get supplies and walking the dog.
Alex followed the gravel path towards the town. The town was small and was heavily nucleated around the town square. Alex wandered through the narrow, pale-paved streets, gazing at the cream coloured houses with their pink roof slats. Most of the windows didn’t have pains, but different coloured shutters. The lampposts were old-fashioned and tall, green birch trees towered over the low buildings. The streets weren’t very busy, but whenever someone came, Alex reached up to his hood and pulled it further down his face. He didn’t know whether it was a conscious decision to do so, or whether it was just habit anymore, but Alex was so used to the disapproving groans and grunts from who he passed that he hardly noticed them anymore. As Alex neared the square, he glanced down at Bowser, who was gazing around wildly at his new surroundings, enjoying the walk. Alex glanced back up at the square. Right in the middle was a large memorial of some kind, at it’s base a pool of clear water. Alex caught a glimpse of copper coins at the bottom and, sitting on the smooth, pale wall around the pool, rolled up his sleeves and reached down into the cool water. He grasped at the money, coming up with a handful of coppers and a couple of silvers. He didn’t linger as the surrounding people seemed to have noticed and were shooting him dirty looks.
Alex was used to the opinions of people who lived in the towns they visited. Not many people liked travelling circus’, some even took it far enough to bombard them with eviction petitions and forced them off the land they had camped on. This was partly why they tried to avoid the authorities- so many people disliked them that if the public found out they were, for example, paying for the NHS to treat a gypsy, there would almost always be an uproar. If there was any reason for a circus member to go to a hospital, then they wouldn’t go without Dorothy taking a look first. She had once been a nurse and was experienced at stitching up wounds and the appropriate treatments.
Alex carried on down the street. He passed little cafe’s and small shops that gave the impression that this town was quite a rich town and took pride in it’s appearance. Alex then came across a large expanse of grass to his right. It disappeared on the other side of a hill, but looked as though it was surrounded by the same pale buildings and was used for recreational purposes. There were clusters of people dotted around, giving life to the grassy hill- some of these people were middle-aged women with push-chairs and others were elderly man and women. But what intimidated Alex most was the clusters of teenagers- girls dressed in miniskirts and smoking and boys dressed in sportswear and wearing caps on their heads, the odd one or two carrying bottles of alcohol. Most of them looked like the type to be aggressive and violent towards the way Alex looked. If he hurried, Alex estimated he could cross the hill quickly enough that the youths wouldn’t notice him. Yet Alex failed to remember his companion.
Bowser could be aggressive if he wanted to be. He sometimes took a disliking to a person and wouldn’t leave them alone, just stood there, staring and barking.
Alex started to cross the hill. All was well, until he got to the crest of the hill, the road that ringed the hill in his sights and beyond that was what looked like a junkyard. The junkyard stood there, in between the twee shops and cafes, incongruous to its surroundings. It almost looked lonely.
Alex was stopped suddenly by a harsh tug on Bowser’s lead. The huge black canine was snarling at a nearby group of guys who looked slightly older than Alex. He tried to pull Bowser away from the group, who had noticed and were staring, dumbly at the dog. Alex managed to gain Bowser’s attention and began to walk away quickly, but not quickly enough to hear the words “Hey! What’s wrong with your mutt, freak?” Alex blocked out any further insults and made for the junkyard, pulling his hood down over his face.
Had they seen? Maybe. He couldn’t be sure. He just hoped they hadn’t decided to follow him. He hoped, with all his heart that they hadn’t.
Alex entered the junkyard. His first impression was that it didn’t belong here. It took up most of the space behind the row of shops and went down a hill, stopping at what Alex guessed to be a low wall. He couldn’t see from here, but there was no harm in exploring. Alex weaved in and out of huge piles of waste- it was amazing what people threw out and just took for granted these days! He came across a huge pile of old TVs. Alex would never be able to afford a TV, how could people throw something out that was so expensive. Some of them probably still worked! And then there were things like scrap metal- Alex glimpsed several items that the circus had needed in the pat but had never been able to afford.
Alex carried on until he got to the middle of the junkyard before he heard something that made him stop in his tracks. The tiny scuffle of footsteps and a muffled laugh- the gang had followed him.
Shit!
Alex began to panic, but carried on walking- get to the wall. Get to the wall, over it and then run!
But two of the youths had jumped out from behind a huge mountain of car tyres and were coming towards him, confidently, with purpose. A purpose Alex daren’t contemplate.
Alex looked at the floor, shielding his face beneath his hood. He sensed presences behind him as well. They were close. Too close.
Suddenly, his hood was pulled from his head and Alex’s face was exposed in the bright light of the sun. There was silence and then shrill laughter from the guy who stood just in front of him. Alex’s heart was throwing itself against his ribcage and the guy took a step closer, examining his face, his face serious.
After a few, nail-biting moments, his expression turned to amusement- he started to laugh.
“What type of freak are you?” he asked in a deep voice.
Alex didn’t say anything, he knew better.
“Did you hear me, freak?” his voice rose a little as he gave Alex a gentle push on his shoulder. Alex didn’t reply.
He heard a few of the other guys behind him chuckle and murmur insults.
“I think he’s deaf.” Said the guy to the rest of the group. “You know what? I think its offensive to not answer someone when they’re talking to you. Don’t you?” he looked Alex in the eye.
And then a flare of pain exploded in Alex’s stomach. The guy withdrew his fist from Alex’s stomach and laughed. “I also think it’s offensive when you can’t even control your own mongrel in public!” he yelled.
Alex straightened up, but not without grimacing, only to be punched in the jaw. Alex found himself looking at Bowser, who was growling softly. Alex spat blood from his mouth and tried his best to ignore the pain. He had been beaten up before (too many times) and knew you had to hold it together. If you broke down, they’d use that as an advantage.
“I think he’s from those gypsies! You know? The ones who’ve camped in the forest clearing!” yelled one of the guys behind Alex.
The first guy looked down at Alex, who looked him straight in the eyes. “So, you’re that kind of freak! Well, gypsy-fucker, why don’t you run back to your little circus!” he shouted. Alex felt hands grab him from behind, holding him still while the first guy proceeded to pummel him in the face. The pain was all too familiar. Only, this time, something different happened.
“Keith! What the hell! Keith, stop it! Oh my God! What the hell are you doing?” yelled a female voice. It was soft and melodic, the type you couldn’t forget easily. It got louder as it got closer. “What the hell! Is this just because his dog barked at you? You’re such a pussy! Always over-reacting! There was no need to beat the guy up about it!”
Keith had stopped pummelling Alex’s face and the hands had let him go. He saw, through blood, a cloud of blond hair atop a tall, slender body. Alex pulled his hood back over his face and didn’t stick around to hear Keith’s reasoning. Alex made for the wall, for escape.
Alex used a mountain of old kitchen appliances that was piled up against the wall. Bowser landed the other side of the wall with no problem, Alex stumbled down after him. He found himself surrounded by forest. He walked briskly through the undergrowth, not caring where he ended up; only that it was away from the gang.
Eventually, Alex found himself at a stream. He sat down on the ground next to it and stared at the tiny eddies, entranced by the shapes. Bowser lay next to him, resting his head on Alex’s lap. Alex strained to push all thought of his appearance from his mind.
A voice behind him made him jump. “Hello?” Alex was, once again, suddenly conscious of his appearance. Yet he recognised the voice; the smooth, melodic voice that flowed like water. Alex reached up for his hood, his grip tightened on Bowser’s lead as he stood.
“Hey, look, I’m sorry about those guys. They take everything like an insult! What they did to you...let me help! You can come back to mine and I’ll...hey, wait! Don’t go!” Alex stopped. All he wanted was to get back to camp.
The girl came around him, in an attempt to talk to his face, but Alex turned away. “Hey, whatever they were talking about- I’m sure it’s not as bad as they made out.”
Alex felt a hand on his arm and turned away, stubbornly from the flash of blond hair. “OK, hey, look, I understand! At least tell me your name?”
“Alex.” He murmured.
“Well, hello Alex, my name is Amber. Are you really from the circus?” she asked with what sounded like interest. Alex had never heard that in someone’s voice when they asked before. Usually, it was clouded by fear.
“Yeah. I have to go! Bye!” replied Alex firmly, walking away. He heard amber’s voice in the distance.
“Well, I know for certain we’ll see each other again, Alex. Good bye!”

It was ten minutes before the show started and Alex was backstage with Dane.
“I honestly don’t know why you don’t want to. There’s nothing wrong with you, Alex!” Dane was saying. He’d wanted Alex to take tickets and show people to their seats, Alex had refused, a little shaken by the day’s activities.
“I don’t want to talk about this.” muttered Alex.
“Well, you may have to, someday.” Dane coughed. “My health isn’t what it used to be, you know!” Alex passed it off as the ramblings of an old man. Nevertheless, Dane took Alex’s hand in his own, shrivelled claw and took off his top hat and replaced it on top of Alex’s head. “Perfect. Look, you know you can’t go on like this. Someday, you’re going to have to come out of this shell. You’re just the same as anyone else. I know about those boys today. What they did was unfair and mean. Even if you had no birth mark, there’d be people out there who’d probably do the same. To me, you’re perfect.” Dane looked at Alex with pure affection. He took back his top hat. “I’m on in two. I’ll see you afterwards.” He smiled, standing.
He took up his cane and went out, onto the stage. Alex watched for a bit before going outside. He had seen the shows all too many times. It was a warm night, so Alex took off his hoodie. He went to the cluster of chairs and tables in the middle of camp and sat, breathing in the night air. He listened to the applauds every now and then, along with the usual shocked gasp from the unsuspecting audience. It was amazing how gullible people could be these days
Half an hour later, it was the interval; some of the audience came outside to smoke, others to stretch their legs.
Alex was startled when he heard a delighted “Hi!” from behind him. It was Amber. Alex was careful not to turn around. He stood.
“Hi.” He murmured.
“Still shy, huh? Well, I can live with that. So, the first half was good! I s’pose you’ve already seen it God knows how many times!” she chattered, happily. Alex stepped out from the table and stepped into the shadow of a caravan. He turned to see her stepping towards him, but not joining him in the shadows. Now that Alex was getting a proper look at her, he saw just how pretty she was. Her hair was ash blond, thick and full. Her skin was pink and full of colour, unmarked and fragile. Her eyes sparkled like water in sunlight, yet behind this there was a hardness- like diamonds. Her body was perfectly shaped; she wore skinny jeans and a pale top that hung, loosely from her curves. Yet this image of perfectness about her was not complete without the cautiousness of her movements, the uncertainty in her footsteps and the long, hard stares that took in every detail, analysing everything, never missing something out.
“Look, after today, I appreciate you doing this but...” he couldn’t say anything to harm her. In fact, he didn’t want her to go at all. Alex found himself wondering what her reaction would be when she saw what was on his face.
“Hey, those guys...they’re not nice guys. You...seem like a nice guy.” She explained.
“I don’t need pity.” Alex whispered.
“This isn’t pity; I wanna know what it is about you, Alex. There’s something about you I just can’t get out of my head.”
Alex laughed a little. “Something about me? You think it’s that fact I won’t let you see my face?”
“No, I don’t think it’s that... it’s something about your voice.” She had missed the humour, but Alex didn’t mind. He liked hearing her talk.
Should he show her? Would she fear him if he did? Or would her reaction be entirely unexpected?
The decision was made for him, when Garry came up behind Amber and shone a torch into Alex’s face. “What’s going on-oh, Alex, it’s you!” his eyes fell upon Amber. “Oh, well, sorry Alex!”
Alex watched Amber turn around, as if in slow motion. He face had lost it’s smile, but she stared at Alex’s face in wonder.
Garry lowered the torch and went away.
Alex looked away from Amber’s eyes. He felt her hands upon his, as she pulled him towards her, into the light. He let her; there was no point fighting it now.
He felt her hand upon his cheek, her fingers tracing the splodges of red down his face and neck. She cupped his face in her hands, forcing Alex to look at her. She was smiling. Their faces were close. He lost himself in her eyes, revelling in the calm waters of her reaction. The space between them tingled with electricity.
“Alex. Is this what you didn’t want me to see?” she whispered.
“People are usually afraid or disgusted. I didn’t want to scare you off.” Alex whispered back.
“Trust me, you’re beautiful.” Her face was closer; he could feel her breath caressing his cheeks. Alex heart was in his throat. Were they about to...?
And then her lips were caressing his. Alex felt fireworks burst through the walls of his stomach. Amber pulled away, smiling.
“I should probably...my Aunt...”
Alex nodded.
“Maybe... we could meet up, tomorrow, maybe?” she asked.
Alex smiled. “The stream?”
“Perfect!”

That night, Alex couldn’t sleep. His stomach was still buzzing. He’d never kissed a girl before, let alone talk to one! He had told Dane after the show about what had happened, but he had seemed somewhat disheartened and preoccupied. Alex reminded himself that it was an old man he was talking to and left him to his thoughts.
The morning came all too slowly. Alex bolted down a bowl of Cheerio’s and left the camp early.
The day was warm and Alex had gotten halfway down the road when he realized that he had left without his hoodie! It didn’t surprise him that he felt kind of naked without it, but nevertheless, he kept going.
He found the stream with no trouble at all. He sat there for twenty minutes before he heard a rustling behind him. Alex turned to see Amber stepping over an old log. She hugged him and whispered the words “Hi, stranger.” in his ear, before taking his hand in hers.
They walked together through the forest, yet Alex hadn’t time for seeing the wonders of wildlife. He was too preoccupied with the beautiful view that was holding hands with him. The soon stopped and sat on a log, talking.
“So, how did you come to be part of the circus? Is The Great Dane your dad?” asked Amber with genuine interest.
“He’s not my dad, but he took me in. He found me, apparently I was abandoned as a baby, so Dane decided to take me in and look after me. And please don’t call him The Great Dane- it’s embarrassing.”
Amber laughed and it reminded Alex of water spilling down a waterfall.
“Even I could come up with a better stage name than that.” murmured Alex.
“Alex The Immortal!”
“Where did that come from?” asked Alex, laughing.
“I don’t know, it just had a ring to it!” replied Amber. “So, what’s it like to be in a travelling circus?”
“Um...well...I don’t know. I mean, I’ve lived in it all my live I guess I don’t really know the difference from your perspective of normal and my normal.”
“What’s normal for you?”
Alex smirked. “Chores, chores and more chores.”
“You don’t perform?”
“No, not really special at anything. But tell me about you. Do you have family?” Alex asked.
Her eyes glazed over suddenly. “I have a brother, our parents died when we were young. My brother’s in university and I live with my Aunt.” She explained.
“I’m sorry.” whispered Alex.
“Me too.” She whispered back, gazing into his eyes. “When my brother was my age, he had acid thrown in his face. He had skin grafts and operations, but he has this huge scar down one side of his face. When I saw you wearing that hoodie, you reminded me of him.”
“He’s lucky to have you. You’re probably the only person I’ve met who hasn’t yelled, turned and ran.”
Amber smiled. Perfection.
Amber rested her head on his shoulder, her eyes gazing past his into the distance. He savoured the moment.
Amber’s eyes suddenly turned fearful and her smile faded. Alex followed her gaze. Through the trees, he could just make out a group of dark figures. The sunlight was patchy through the canopy of branches, but there was enough light to see that they were coming towards Alex and Amber. Alex strained his eyes to see who they were and to his shock, he recognised one of them! It was the guy who had beat him up yesterday! Alex looked at Amber, who was gripping his hand.
“Let me talk.” she whispered.
They stood and waited until the posse was a few yards away. Keith stopped a few feet away from Alex, looking at Amber, disgust written upon his face.
“Amber? Why are you holding hands with the gypsy-fucker? You might get rabies.” He joked, looking at Alex.
“Leave me alone, Keith! Why do you always insist on scaring away every guy I meet! Just leave me alone and let me live my life!” Amber argued.
“But, you see, the thing is that I still love you!” said Keith, solemnly.
“I stopped loving you a long time ago! Just get over it! Come on, Alex.” Amber pulled Alex away and walked in the other direction. Alex thought that they were just standing there, letting them leave, when he was pushed to the ground, violently. He heard Amber scream, somewhere in the background, but he couldn’t quite hear her through the painful kicks and punches the guys were giving him. He felt his stomach begin kicked at, relentlessly. There were several sharp blows to his jaw and head and his back. He heard another scream and this time, a deep, familiar yell. Alex craned his neck and looked up at Garry’s huge frame, looming over Keith. Alex could make out the figures of the rest of the group backing away, some were already turning tail. Eventually, Keith followed. Garry bent down and hauled Alex to his feet.
“Alex, are you ok?” he asked in a gruff voice.
“I’m fine. What’s up? Aren’t you s’pose to be rehearsing?” asked Alex, slightly perplexed.
“Yes, but it’s Dane! You have to come back to camp, now!” he explained, his urgent tone sending cold shivers down Alex’s spine. He took Amber’s hand made for camp.

Once there, Garry led them to Dane’s trailer. It was one of the more elaborate trailers, painted bright yellow with red and green swirls. There were big, bold letters in swirly, red writing that read Circus Atlantis. Alex had always thought it to be over-the-top.
Outside his trailer, most of the performers were gathered. Alex told Amber to wait outside with the others and entered the trailer after Garry. Only Dorothy was sat by Dane’s bedside. Alex’s blood ran cold at the sight of Dane- he looked so different...so ill.
“He asked for you.” explained Dorothy.
“What’s happened to him?” Alex wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer to his question.
“He’s had a heart attack. There’s not much we can do for him.” Those were the precise words Alex didn’t want to hear.
“Well, we have to get him to a hospital! Now!”
“He doesn’t want to. He wants to talk to you.” Explained Dorothy, standing and offering Alex the chair.
Alex sat down in the chair and looked at Dane’s pale face. Dane reached for Alex’s hand and turned his head towards him. Dane’s hand felt cold and fragile beneath Alex’s. His breath was coming out in uneven splutters, as if each word was a struggle.
“Alex...I need you to listen...I need to tell you the truth...before I...” he wheezed.
“Slow down.” Soothed Alex.
“I...I...I didn’t find you when you were a child...I was so desperate! So desperate for a child. You have to understand! I watched her take you away...I watched her as she bent over you with a cushion...I couldn’t let it happen...I had her arrested. Your mother was mentally ill, she killed your Father, among others...she’s safe now, far away from harm...” he coughed. Alex couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing. But surely these were just the ramblings of an old man about to die. But he wasn’t going to die. Was he? “I saved you, Alex...I saved you from a cruel heart. They didn’t know what to do with you, so I took you. You were the greatest gift I have ever received...I love you, Alex. The circus is yours. You have a responsibility, now. Without you, these people have nowhere to go. Without you, without the circus, these people have nothing. Look after them.” Dane coughed once more before the breath left his body and death took him in it’s icy grasp.
Alex held Dane’s hand for a moment longer before dropping it and clamping his hands over his face and weeping.
A moment later he felt cool hands on his arms, a soothing voice filling his ears. Alex felt the hands easing him to his feet and leading him out of the trailer and back, through the camp to his caravan. Once inside, he slumped down onto his sofa, sobs wracking his body. Amber sat next to him, soothing him. She was singing a song that he didn’t recognise, but it sounded like one she had sung many times- her voice stroked the words as if out of habit, caressing the notes and the pitch. Her voice ran through his heart, soothing the pain that flared there.
Alex soon fell asleep to the sound of her voice.

It was evening when Alex woke. His eyes were heavy with gunk and sleep. He glanced to his right to see Amber’s sleeping form rested upon his shoulder. He sat there, thinking.
Dane was gone.
He couldn’t quite believe it. All these years, Dane had been there, advising, instructing. You could always talk to him because he was always there and never went anywhere. So reliable that Alex had always taken him for granted. He had been more than a father to him. He had been a teacher, a listener.
But what he had said confused Alex. Dane hadn’t found Alex abandoned- he had lied. That meant his Mother was still alive, out there somewhere. She had tried to kill him. She had killed his father. Although Alex wanted to leave the subject well alone, curiosity carried him along on it’s current and the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to find her and talk to her. To just see her would be enough. Alex had lived a life without a Mother; this may be his only chance to find out what having one is like. Alex decided against telling this to anyone, most of all Amber.
But then there was his responsibility as the new ringleader! He was in charge, now. He didn’t know quite where to begin. But one thing Alex knew for certain: they couldn’t stay here!
The locals were already getting far too aggressive towards them and, although they were due to do another performance tonight (which started in an hour) Alex didn’t think it would benefit them to stay any longer.
But then there was Amber. Could he leave her? This was the first time he had loved someone. It was the first time someone had accepted him for who he was! If he stayed, the locals would surely become more aggressive; therefore, he would be putting her directly in the line of fire! So he should leave her. Or was he just making up excuses?
Amber stirred in his arms. She smiled up at him and then yawned. Alex stood and wiped his eyes. He went to the table and sat, resting his head in his hands. Alex fought the harsh sobs that shook his body.
So this was what grief felt like. It was as if something had ripped a hole in his heart and all that gathered in the wound was sadness, hate and anger. There, they festered and grew, attracting all sorts of other emotions.
Amber sat opposite him. “It’s ok, you know. I’ve lost parents too.” She smiled. Alex felt better that Amber was with him. He didn’t know what he’d be like if she wasn’t! He smiled back and held her soft, fragile hands.
There was a knock at the door and Garry’s mop of black hair appeared behind it. He looked round and saw Alex and Amber sat at the table. Smiling he said, quietly, “The shows cancelled tonight, guys. We’re gonna have a funeral in the woods instead.” Garry lingered for a moment, and then vanished, the door closing behind him.
Alex looked back at Amber. “Before Dane...died-” it didn’t seem right when he said it. “-he gave me the circus. He left me in charge.”
Amber looked at him for a moment. “Wow, that’s a pretty big responsibility.”
“I know. I guess this means that I’m in charge now.” Alex still couldn’t quite believe it, despite the niggle of happiness in his stomach. He was proud that Dane should bestow such a responsibility. He obviously trusted Alex more than he should have. “I don’t really know where to start.”
“So, are you the ringleader now? Do you have to introduce the shows and that?” Amber asked.
“I...I guess so. He did say that I’d have to come out of my shell soon. I think he knew that he hadn’t got much longer.” mused Alex.
“He was only 50...something.”
“Hm” Alex stood and made for the door. Amber followed.

The funeral was horrible. Alex couldn’t stop bawling all the way through it! Amber was allowed to stay; convinced her Aunt wouldn’t be worried. The whole company carried Dane’s body out, into a disused part of the forest that surrounded the small town, to a funeral pyre pre-made by the Bendies earlier in the afternoon. They all made a huge circle around it and placed Dane’s body atop the pyre.
Before lighting it, Garry made a speech.
“We are stood here today, remembering an amazing man. He treated the circus with compassion and respect- it was his pride and joy. Each individual performer meant the world to him! He was such a perfect performer! Nothing would faze him- he’d go out onto that stage and he’d wow the world! But then, something even more precious fell into his life. Alex came to him, his son. Dane’s life was complete. But then it was cruelly taken from him. A heart attack was the end of him, for he valued the circus and his son more than his health.”
Alex listened to Garry’s voice, not really taking in what he was saying, but letting the muffled words hit his ears. He couldn’t help but shed a tear or too and, looking round at Amber who gripped his hand with hers, Amber was letting silent tears run down her cheeks too. He remembered what she had said about her parents; maybe they weren’t mourning for only one person tonight.
“Yet, we may have lost a great ringleader, but we have gained an even better one!” Alex found himself standing up a little straighter at Garry’s words. “Dane entrusted the circus to one who he loved and trusted the most. He left in good hands. Dane loved us all very much and wouldn’t leave us lost.” Garry concluded and took a torch that was leant up against a tree and held it up while Alley lit it. Flames flares around the tip of the torch and Garry held the torch to the bottom of the pyre. Flames immediately licked around the bottom, dancing in between the logs and twigs, eventually consuming Dane’s body whole.
Once the body was lost within the orange glow of the fire, people started to leave and make their way back to camp. Soon, only Alex and Amber remained.
They stood, gazing into the hypnotic flames, Amber’s head rested upon Alex’s shoulder.

When the time came to leave, Alex found himself being eased away from the simmering pyre by Amber.
“Come on. Let’s go. We can’t stay here.” Amber whispered.
Alex let her take him by the hand and lead him away.
The forest was silent, except for the chirping of crickets and the wind shivering through the trees. The occasional bat would fly over their heads and disappear into the gloom. Alex found it oddly comforting in the silence. His thoughts remained his own.
Only one other person had died in the circus and that had been Judy Balcott. She had been a dancer and smoked a lot of drugs. Drugs had been her end and her funeral had been similar to Dane’s. They had been due to play a show that night, but had cancelled it and had moved on in the morning. The chance of the circus staying in the small town where Dane had died to play the last show was small. It disheartened Alex to just think of the prospect!
Amber stopped walking. Alex turned and saw her fearful expression, her sparkling eyes darting about the undergrowth.
“Did you hear that?” she whispered, nervously.
“No, what?” replied Alex, straining his ears.
Silence.
Alex’s heart beat sped up slightly.
The snap of a twig exploded through the pair, whooped together at the tiny sound. They looked around wildly, looking for the source desperately.
Out of the darkness came a tall figure. Several other figures followed it, surrounding them. Amber shook beside Alex, who pulled her close to him. He wasn’t a good fighter, but he was prepared to do anything to protect Amber- he had already lost enough today.
When the first figure came into the dim moonlight, Alex’s stomach flipped as he recognised with a terrifying dread, who it was.
Keith.
Amber gasped.
“Hey, freaks!” he yelled, annoyance surfacing in his tone.
Alex and Amber remained silence.
“So, is the gypsy-fucker having fin with my girlfriend?” Keith said directly to Alex. He turned to Amber, “Has he been spreading his gypsy-freak germs on you? I bet it’s contagious. You wanna end up looking like that?” he gestured to Alex.
Alex cringed at the insult, a voice inside his head screaming: Stop being so weak!
“Don’t worry, Amber, I can get rid of it.” explained Keith, pulling a dark object from his coat pocket. “I’ll get rid of the gypsy-fucker!” Keith’s words became slurred and he sounded oddly drunk.
He waved the dark object in the air, pointing it in Alex’s direction, until light flashed past it and Alex realized what it was. Horror filled his stomach as he pulled Amber closer.
“Look, K-Keith, we can s-sort this out...” whimpered Amber, who was now sobbing. “Just s-stay calm...”
Keith turned to Amber, brandishing the gun in all directions. Alex moved so that he was in front of Amber, not really sure he was in control of his own movements.
“Shut up, bitch!” yelled Keith, milliseconds before the shot rang out, echoing around the forest.
Moments. All moving one after the other. In slow motion. Silence.
Alex looked at Amber, expecting to see pain riddled in her expression, but instead, she was looking down, horrified.
Alex felt no pain, but weakness took control of his legs. He looked down at Amber’s stomach, but saw nothing.
And then he caught sight of his own. A crimson stain was spreading itself on the fabric of his white T-shirt. Alex felt numb, cold.
The ground came up to meet him, the cold soil making Alex’s cheeks.
The next few moments were slow, too slow. Voices became deep and slurred, vision turned to one huge smudge of colours, mixing with each other, defying their boundaries.
Shouts, screams, violence.
Black.

“Is he ok?”
“I’ve done my best; the rest is up to him.”
“He can’t stay here. He doesn’t belong here.”
“As I’ve said, I did my best.”
“What if he stays? What then?”
“Then he’ll never feel right. He’ll be lonely, starving, thirsty, forever searching- I trust you know what I’m talking about?”
“Yes.”
“Then why did you ask me that question?”
“I...I had to be sure. I can’t let him end up like that!”
“We can do no more for him. All we can do is believe.”
“Yes, believe.”

Alex tried to open his eyes, but they were too heavy. He tried to move, but just a tiny twitch was enough to drain away whatever little strength he had. All he could do was listen.
“He’s ok, right? I mean, he’ll live?” asked a very worried voice. It sent shivers through his body, turning his blood cold with excitement.
“He’ll be fine. I’ve got the bullet out, so he should heal ok. Nothing was too badly damaged.” explained a familiar voice.
Alex knew these voices, but couldn’t quite place them. All he knew was that he loved both of them.
“Look! He twitched!” cried the first voice. It was closer now and he could feel pressure on his hand. Someone was holding it.
“Alex?” the other voice whispered.
Alex’s eyes snapped open at his name. The two faces above him were blurry. He blinked away the sleep and gazed up at Amber and Dorothy’s worried faces. He was in his caravan, lying on his bed in amongst his covers. He looked past Amber and saw a small heap on the floor that was his bloody T-shirt. Suddenly, memory flashed back in his mind, but Alex was too grief-stricken to be angry.
“Hey Alex!” Amber stroked his birthmark and smiled.
“You had us scared there for a moment, I almost though I couldn’t save you!” exclaimed Dorothy.
“Ow...” mumbled Alex as he tried to sit.
“Hey, just lie still.” Dorothy pushed him back down. “I’m going to tell the others we still have a ringleader.” She murmured Dorothy, as she left the caravan.
“Are you ok?” asked Alex, looking at Amber.
“I’m fine, just a bit shocked.” She replied.
“What happened to Keith?”
“Their gone, Garry scared them off. The others were pretty scared. Like, not just scared that you were gonna die, it went deeper than that...” Amber explained, her eyes glazing over slightly.
“Hey, I’m their new ringleader, without them...” Alex trailed off, reluctant to carry on the thought. The pain in his stomach thronged like a dark cloud. “Won’t your Aunt be worried?”
“I’ve called her, she’s a bit worried about what I’ve got mixed up in, but she doesn’t really tend to care about what I get up too.” She answered, solemnly.
Alex grunted.
“I’ll have to go, it’s late and I need to let my Aunt know I’m ok in person. I’ll see you tomorrow!” she bent and kissed him, her scent filling his nostrils, caressing his senses. As she pulled away, he held onto her hand, holding on for a little bit too long before finally letting his hand drop. He watched as the door closed behind her.
He suddenly felt very lonely, as if Amber had stolen all his happiness- or what was left of it.
He knew one thing: the circus had to leave, or something else like this would happen. He couldn’t do that to Amber. But could he leave Amber? Without her, he would feel like this, all the time. Could he handle that? Would he be able to keep going?
It was a question Alex didn’t want to answer.

The next following days were horrible. There was an odd atmosphere about the circus. One that was all too familiar to Alex, the type that hung around like a thick smog, always before the circus was due to leave. Normally, Alex would be glad to leave, to the extent where he would try and hurry things along. Once he had said to Dorothy and Garry that they needed to leave to prevent any more violence, they had set a date and left it at that. Alex still hadn’t had the heart to tell Amber, but he was determined to not let her find out for herself. He would tell her today.
Unfortunately, Alex was still bed-bound after the bullet wound, but it didn’t mean that preparations were going any slower. Amber was due to arrive soon, by word of mouth.
She came soon after 4:00, carrying a Get Well card. They laughed and chatted for a bit, Alex trying to prolong the time they had together.
“Hey, Amber?” Alex whispered.
“Yes?” she replied.
“I...I need to...tell you something.” Alex started.
“What is it?” Amber asked, hopefully.
“Look... we, the circus, can’t stay here.” Alex looked at Amber’s face. Her eyes suddenly turned sad, her smile slowly disappearing. “Things like this, people like us, we don’t belong. Normal people hate us. They try to do things like this to us.” Alex gestures at his stomach. “I can’t let that happen to you. We can’t be together. You have a life to live, a house, a family. You don’t want to be part of my world.” Alex finished, his voice breaking slightly.
Amber sat in silence for a moment, looking at the floor. Anger crept onto her face.
“No! No, you can’t go! You c-can’t l-leave me!” tears exploded from her eyes.
“I’m sorry. We can’t stay...” Alex trailed off, wishing for silence.
“You can’t leave me, take me with you!” cried amber, her voice growing desperate.
“No, you don’t belong to my world! You have a chance for a life without this! I won’t let you!”
“You don’t understand, there’s nothing out there for me anymore! My parents are dead, my brother doesn’t care, nor does my Aunt! Please, just, don’t leave me! I love you!” she cried, pulling Alex close.
Alex went quiet. He didn’t want to say anymore. It was the only way. “You should forget me.” he whispered.
“No! No! You...you c-can’t! Tell me you don’t love me!”
Alex looked down and said nothing. He couldn’t say it.
“Say it! Say it! You owe me that!” she screamed.
Alex said nothing. His insides felt as though they were being poked with knives.
Amber dropped his hand and stood. Sobs shook her body, her face stained with tears. She went to the door and took one long look- one that was overflowing with sorrow and longing- and left. The silence was cold and stony. It was almost painful.


It was raining when the circus got to Oakthorpe. There was the odd buzz of excitement about the town at the thought of the rare entertainment that had arrived. It was almost December, a welcome break from the horrible drizzle that had plagued the town was brought on by a sky that was a dazzling white and the blanket of snow that seemed to mute all sounds and colour that the town had once had.
The circus had set up camp in a nearby field and the performers were working tirelessly against the blizzard. Alex hobbled out of his caravan towards a large tent in the centre of the camp. Inside, there were benches and cooking equipment, now occupied by Alley who was frying sausages and bacon, filling the tent with the scent of food. He slumped down next to Dorothy, tired from the walk from his caravan.
“You shouldn’t be up!” Dorothy cried at the sight of him.
“If I stay in bed another day, I think I’ll die of boredom!” joked Alex, trying to be happy.
“You ok?” Dorothy asked, now serious.
“I guess so.” Alex murmured.
“That means no. But you made the right choice. A sign of a good ringleader.”
Alex grunted in reply. He didn’t really want to be a ringleader. Not without Amber. He felt that she was the only person missing. She was but a hole inside him. Next to the one Dane had been in. He couldn’t lose anyone else. Not now.
However hard he was trying to forget Amber, he couldn’t. She was imprinted in his mind forever.

The circus wasn’t playing a show until the following night. They didn’t quite know how they were going to do it without a ringleader, but they’d muddle along somehow. They’d have to until Alex was better.
The next night, Alex was sat outside his caravan, thinking. The other performers had noticed he’d become progressively depressed, but they understood. He wasn’t the only one who’d lost someone.
The show was about to begin and Alex listened to the applause from the audience. He was dreading the day when he’d have to get on that stage and introduce the performers. The others had been trying to think of a stage name for him, to try and bring him round the idea of being a ringleader. The truth was that Alex already knew what he’d call himself: Alex the Immortal.
The night was cold and it was just starting to snow. Alex pulled his coat around him tighter, the bandages around his stomach shifting slightly.
The night air was cold in his lungs, the silence hung around him like a cloak.
Alex was thinking about the snow when he heard a small sound behind him. He turned in his chair. Out of the corner of his eye, he thought he saw shadows shift slightly. He stood, slowly and hobbled to the side of his caravan and listened.
A snap of a twig.
Alex moved closer.
A small cough. There was someone out there.
“Who’s there?” Alex asked to the shadows.
He moved closer. He could hear breathing now. It was high and thin, a girl’s.
“Who’s there? I know you’re out there.” Alex said again.
And then she was on him, her arms tight around his throat. Pain shot through his stomach as he twisted from her grip. Alex yelped in pain and caught her wrists tightly.
“Wait! W-wait! It’s me!”
Alex couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing.
“Alex! I couldn’t be without you! I love you! My world is nothing without you!” the female voice shuddered through Alex, turning his blood cold.
“Amber.” He whispered before pulling her close and kissing her. “Wait, no. Why?”
“Don’t tell me you’ve been fine without me!” she whispered into his chest.
“I...I can’t...I love you! Just...just stay. Don’t go again!” Alex pleaded.
“Don’t worry, I’ll never leave you.” She promised.
The hugged. The embrace lasted a long moment. And then they kissed.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 10.05.2011

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