Authors Introduction

I just wanted to take a moment and introduce the story along as myself. If none of you know who I am then that is perfetly fine. My name is Kaila, although I have a few different pennames. I wanted to take this time to talk about the following story. The story is almost finished as in I have it typed up on Microsoft Word.
I am only going to be putting the first few chapters on here because of privacy reasons. The story itself is about a abused victim. How she copes with life after the "incident" so to say. The title will make sense once you read the story. The main character explains everything within the first paragraph or so. I am not saying what happened to her because as with any good mystery or drama the plot reveals itself over time. I do hope that you enjoy the story. I hope for positive reviews but of course I welcome any reviews.
Now for those of you who are unaquainted with my writing style. As with most of my stories there are a lot of strange twists and turns. If there are any confusing parts with mispelled words or otherwise please note it for me to correct, or explain. I tend to write more along the horror genre because I am deeply fascinated by torture techniques and death. This however does not entitle you to ramble aimlessly on about random facts or quotes. Please keep the comments/reviews simple. If you have a seriously disturbing wish to know something you can message me. If not then well that is your problem.
So please enjoy the story as much as you can. If you desperately want to know how it ends then tell me.

*Oh and the main character does not mention her own name, that is done on purpose.*

xWARNINGx Not suitable for young, naive children. Or weak minded adults.

A for Anger

It feels as though you never left. The books you lent me still sit on my shelf awaiting your return. Yet I know you will not come. You have left… you will not come back. All I have left are bitter memories and junk. I want to burn it all but every time I try my hands start to shake. What have you done to me? Where has that person gone? Your scent still lingers everywhere I go. It's like you never left but I know you are gone. No matter how I beg nothing will happen. I bet you didn’t know but I still have everything you gave me. I still have those pictures we took. I could not even shred them… What am I to do? Your very existence tortures me. If I was to get rid of you from this world could I live again? Would I be able to breath freely and talk clearly? No it would make it worse. Because I would know that one day I would still be confronted by you. Its not that you ran away… it was me who ran. Its not that I am begging for you to come back I am begging that you are gone. That you disappear… so that I never will meet you again. I am sorry… I am so sorry. No, I am not sorry that is a lie. I am not sorry for anything. My mind keeps going around in circles. I can not even concentrate. You have tainted everything around me. Even if I do not want to I still love you. How is that possible? Even after what you did, even after what I saw. How can I still feel this way? Please let it end! There is not much more I can handle.
I will go insane if I can not stop this. Please, please… what can I do? My mind drifts off finally. Its been weeks, and still I am like this. I can’t go to school… I can’t… don’t make me. I’ll see you… its unavoidable. I can’t be like this… I am scared. My mind and body will never be the same. I have to get over this. I can’t let this set me back. Living in the past is not me… its not me. Who am I? I can not even answer that anymore. It’s a foreign question now. The only way to get past this is to stop thinking. I have to stop thinking about you. I have to construct different thoughts. Change my pain into anger… into hate. Whatever I can do to stop thinking about you. It can be my little game. My steps of how to ignore you… of how to stop thinking about you. Of how to never trust any other guy ever again. I can go by the alphabet. So today’s lesson kids is A for Anger. Today I will be angry… Today that is all I will think about. I will think about how angry I am at the world. The world is unfair… why did it have to be me. Why not someone else… I am not the only student in the school. So from today onwards I am going to be angry at every man I meet. I will think of them as scum. I will not talk to them. I will be mean to them. Its all just to forget about you. Its all because of you. You would be so happy… I hope you get sick. I hope something happens to you, something terrifyingly horrific.
I wake up to the alarm going off. Be strong today… be angry.
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School ah yes… the place of torture itself. Gossip central with a twist. I am not going… I don’t want to go. No I must go… I must be strong. I must show you that I am different. That I am changing, that I am a different person. You will never come near me again. You will never touch me again. I pick up my shoulder bag and sling it over. There is nothing about this place that I like. No one here that I trust… everyone is the same. They stare, they point they laugh at your misery. Its their own game to cope for their lives. I guess I understand, I have my own game. The school is old and creepy. No it’s the people that make it feel that way. Today I have my war face on. My make-up is dark and I am wearing black. This is to ward off all evil. it’s a warning to others if they get close I will bite. Yes it’s a new start… a new person. I don’t care if someone tries to call me names. I am use to that already. Even if it was a previous friend I don’t mind. Their not my friends anymore. No one is my friend. Not after all of that. How can you be someone’s friend and believe someone else you don’t even know? People are so twisted.
I walk up the school sidewalk. There are a few groups of people outside. A few of them are staring but most are talking to one another. I would rather be invisible than this. I can’t let myself care. I shift my eyes around alert of my surroundings. I will not smile, nor grin… no emotions. No emotions other than anger. When did the school entrance become this far away? I push up my bag on my shoulder and continue onward. Look straight forward just get to the goal. I push at the door but someone pulls it open before I get the chance. I look up and then look away.

‘Whoa what happened to you? You go goth or something?’

I continue on walking. Its one of those guys who tries to get under your skin. Ignoring is the best option. Especially with him since if you leave an opening he will continue to push you. My locker is not a place I will go anymore. Its to close to that place. I can’t go there… must avoid at all costs. I swerve around a group of pink pompoms. How sickening… how can they act like that? Don’t they know? How could they not… no wait they don’t know. No one really knows what happened. Only I know and he knows. Yet they are so willing to believe him. I become labeled as the liar, the girl who makes things up. Should I go to class? Why else would I come to this dump? I dash into the classroom avoiding another cloud of perfume inhaling airheads. How fortunate I am that I did not get sucked along with them. Is this all my fault? Is it because I did not put my foot down? Is it because I just went along with everything he ever told me? What a control freak… how could I not see that earlier?
My bag slides off my shoulder and thumps onto the floor. Their curious glances do not go by me unknown. I can feel them… they want to know. They can’t know, never, never will they know. If they knew they… no… they can’t know. I sit down and close my eyes. No speaking to them… I am mute. I have no voice… its just like before then… maybe I should be outspoken and loud. I should be sarcastic and mean… I should verbally abuse them all. Make them stay away, make them not want to know. I open my eyes to see that more people have entered the classroom. I am so lucky that I have English first period instead of a different class. If I had that class first I wouldn’t have even dared come. This way I can work up my courage. I can work up my anger. I will think about you and all I will think of is anger. Yes that is my only feeling.
The bell rings and more people run into the classroom. Idiots, why can’t you get here before the tardy bell rings. You know it is coming and yet you are always late. I clasp my fingers together. I set the edge of my elbows onto my table and point my fingers upwards. What to do? The teacher starts to take the roll. When she calls my name I do not answer. She looks up and sees me but stops. She looks twice and then arches her eyebrows. Yes that is the perfect reaction. Be confused… wonder what happened. I will never tell you. She continues on every now and then looking over at me. I continue to stare at her. This is step one glare make them feel uncomfortable.

‘Hey you… what’s up with you?’

I shift my eyes to look beside me. Another troublesome guy… better ignore him. I look back at the teacher. Never again will I trust anyone. People have lost my trust. I can never see them the same again. Even if they question me I will not answer. If they prod me and poke me I will not respond. The new me…
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Somehow I make it to lunch without running. The second half of the day will be more tricky. I will have to control my feelings better. I have gotten lucky so far. Not many people have really talked to me. I grab a juice and an apple and head off somewhere secluded. I will survive this. This is not the worst thing to happen to me. I will make it through these next few months and graduate. Then I will never have to think of this ever again. I walk down the hall and stop before that door. The memories are forever burnt into my mind. Our voices, the laughter and the fun we use to have. I continue walking… no more, no more…. Please stop! I feel as though there is more than one voice in my head. Yet it is just my different feelings. The end of the hall leads to a nice area where not many people go. There is one exception… just one. I walk outside but do not stop. This little area with its bench and flowers only brings pain to me now. The memories waft over me. It was my favorite study area… was, past tense. I would carry my work out here during study hall… it was the only place I could get away. Now there are no places to get away. I was sitting there as usual when he came along. That is how we first met. I wish I had never met him. I wish I had not came out to study that day. I should have stayed in the classroom like everyone else. I would have met him anyway though. I guess it was a unavoidable occurrence. I continue past this place going around the side of the school. There is a nice tree which seems to be calling my name. I walk over and sit down under its shade. There are many trees out here. I guess it was our school trying to protect the environment.
This place is one giant nightmare. There is no escape is there? Even after I graduate it will continue. It will haunt me forever. I will never have a normal relationship. After what happened its impossible. I sip on my juice and look around. I wish I could draw still. That has been ruined for me as well. I bite into the apple. It is to sweet but what else is new? The only thing my bitterness has not ruined is this apple. I should enjoy it until it is gone.
As I finish my perfectly dark lunch I hear a crunch behind me. It is either a bird or a person. Yet why would someone else be out here? Is it another person like me? I twist around to look behind me but no one is there. Oh well why would someone else be like me? I push myself off the ground and head back inside. Before I get even two steps away I hear another crunching noise. I whirl around to see a guy inching away from the tree. How could I not have seen him? My senses must be off. He stops and looks as though he was caught in a horrible act.

‘I was… um… umm… that is kind of my tree… I’m sorry!’

What should I do? He did not do anything wrong. He did not bother my lunch really. I am going to let him go. I shrug my shoulders and turn around. Why bother myself with a guy. Isn’t it better to ignore them? Although what’s with the that’s his tree thing? You can’t claim a tree can you? Really you can’t even claim land. Yet that is another subject. Back into the school I go. I do not even glance over at the bench on my way back in. Ignore it… ignore it. There is a trashcan right inside the doors so I can throw my trash away. Me and the trash are similar in ways. We were both discarded… both thought of as disgusting and used. That is not the only things. Well better get to class… I can catch up on my classes now. I do not think it is wise to have study hall right after lunch. That is my own thoughts, mostly because everyone will just sleep. Including the teacher. Be angry… be angry. I have to keep reminding myself…. Do not give in…. A is for Anger.

B for Betrayal

I can’t do this. I can not be this person. I can not… no I must. If I do not be this person then who am I? Maybe I should just graduate early… get out of here as soon as possible. I sit in the chair by my window. I can’t sleep… I can never sleep… It is almost impossible to sleep. Especially now… its like my body is waiting. It is like I expect something to happen… just like last time. Will I always live in fear? Every time I close my eyes I can picture it. To get to sleep I have to sleeping medicine. There is something not right with me. I hold my legs close to me.
I feel so betrayed… that is going to be today’s thing. I will think about the betrayal and it will help fuel the anger. I will hold that anger close to me. It will help me get through this. I will get through this. Avoiding it is not an option at this point. Eventually I will get over this. Maybe in a few years, or decades. I may have to be prescribed medicine for this. Or maybe I will be admitted into a place. As long as I am safe… I close my eyes and it all comes back. His whispers in my ear… the warnings. I willingly believed him… why did I just believe him like that? His rough voice sounded so compelling. It was so authoritative you just couldn’t go against him. He was always telling me not to tell anyone… saying they wouldn’t believe me. Telling me that they would laugh at me… that we would both get in trouble. I now know that it wasn’t worth it. If we could get in trouble why do it in the first place? I was to mystified then to even think about that. When I open my eyes again I am back in my room. Far away from that place and time. I do not want to go back… It is behind me in the past.
At one point I really had feelings for him… at one point… Not anymore, that is over. I am not going to waste anymore time on him. He was not at school yesterday… I do not know why. I am not going to care. I must tell myself that so I will stop obsessing. I will focus on that betrayal. That is my focus for today. I will think of my anger and that betrayal. Nothing else will be allowed in. Noting else…
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Last class of the day… the class I have been waiting for. Why does it have to be the last class? In a way it is a good thing. Of course it had to be the poetry class. One of my old favorite things. Not anymore… poetry is dead to me. I grab out a sheet of paper and start sketching on it. Might as well ignore everything as best as I can. If he comes over to me… I am going to glare… I will focus on that hate. I will focus on that betrayal. Nothing else will get in. I will not work in here. No one can make me. I sketch out the basics of a face. I slowly fill in the details. Add nicely shaped eyes and eyebrows. Thin nose with a mischievous smile. Then add the hair… When I am finished I notice it looks like someone I have seen before. Oh well… I fold the paper up and shove it into my folder. People are talking all around me… I look over and see him. He is talking with probably his next victim. If only I could warn her. I look away… it is none of my business. The front of the class is boring. I can’t stand it in here. I feel as though I am suffocating. I grab my bag and my lone folder. it’s the middle of class but there is no rule saying I can’t leave. Especially when I feel nauseous. Though they might not accept the reason… I saw someone’s face and it made me want to get sick.
I head for the door when a hand grabs my shoulder. I look behind me to see him. He is touching me… he is touching me. Cursed hands! I glare heavily but he does not seem to notice.

‘Where are you going? Leaving class so soon?’

I purse my lips and shake his hand off. I am not talking to him. He is the last person I want to converse with. I don’t care if he tries to get me in trouble. It won’t work… because what if I don’t keep quiet anymore? I know now that I won’t get in nearly as much trouble as he will. I will probably get scolded… and if they want proof I have plenty. I would grin but I keep my emotions down. I walk out the door and do not look back. Where do I want to go? I can’t home at the moment… home is like a war zone. My mother keeps coming at me trying to question me. She doesn’t understand what I’m going through I can’t tell her anyway. Maybe one day I will talk to her about it at the moment no. My father could not care less what goes on. He is to busy having his hand up his new secretaries skirt. He’s a creep like most. The middle age pervert… it’s the more well known pervert. Of course it comes in variety.
The hallway at this time of day is so much nicer. There are no people out to bother me. However there is that annoying footstep sound behind me. Keep walking… don’t look back. Something smacks into me and knocks my folder out of my arms. I fall forward trying to grab my folder. What weird person would dare knock into me? I look up to see the guy from yesterday. He looks down at me and then his eyes get big.

‘Sorr….sorry…. I’m so sorry… please forgive me. Don’t kill me!’

He thought I was going to kill him. Well that’s new… is that the new rumor going around? I’m a killer how pleasant. That’s just what happens within being back one day. I try to keep all emotions off my face. I stare at him and shrug my shoulders. I pick myself up and start walking again. Its kind of funny actually. That is just what I think though. Let him think whatever he wants. Its better to ignore him right? I push the door open and slowly walk down the steps. Where was he going anyway? Why was he running? Was a teacher after him? I can’t dwell on this… must not think about that. I have to figure out where I am going to go for now. The park is a nice place. Or was a nice place… I could wander the streets until its time to go home. That could be suspicious though. The street is surprisingly empty I figured there would be more cars. Anger what a sweet emotion. Turning me black destroying every bit of who I use to be. Its like sealing me away… I won’t get hurt again.
I turn left and start walking faster. The more distance I put between me and this place the more safe I feel. Not many people would even be able to face going back after something like that. I was tricked… what a pity. I guess in the game of wits I was not so good. I am much wiser now I know his tricks his lures I am not going to fall for that again. He betrayed my trust… its not the same anymore. Nothing can be the same again. You just can’t fix things like that… you can’t bring it back either. I think I am gritting my teeth. Look at what’s happened to me. If only you knew how I use to be. You would know how drastic things have changed.
It seems like only yesterday I was normal. I had a hunger for life. Now all I am left with is the desire to die. I want to change everything. I don’t want to be like this. Everything that ever was will be gone. First I start with how I act. Next is how I look. I think I will bleach my hair. Make it white the opposite of what it is now. Either that or I am going to cut my hair. Maybe I will wear a wig… that way it is less time consuming. Who am I kidding I can’t touch my hair. I am pathetic… truly I can not do anything. It makes me depressed… this is how I am use to feeling though. It’s a typical feeling for me at least since summer.
I hear footsteps behind me. Probably just some random person… could be a kid. Although it sounds like the person is running. I will not turn around, unless this person runs into me as well. Maybe I should glance just to make sure.

‘Hey!’

My feet want to stop but I must keep going. I look behind just for a second. He came… just like a dog following its master. Except we all know its not that way. If anything it’s the opposite of that. Must keep going… I turn my head back and keep walking. Why did he come after me? Class is still in session he can’t just leave. I can’t let myself believe in this. He is just being like he always was. What a cruel person. Which of us is the real cruel one though? I can’t even tell anymore. I make my face blank first then add on the anger. Must be strong, do not give in. I can not let myself be so weak. He will not affect me. I can not look into his eyes because I know what will happen. I will be swept away again. Then it will be like before him controlling me. Me going along with his silly game of charades. There were no real feelings. They were words nothing more. Not even that time was real… it was I don’t know what it was. It was a disaster the worst mistake of my life. Yet at that time it seemed perfect. I must have been delusional. There is no other excuse for it.

‘You’re really ignoring me?’

He seems so shocked. Why should he be? He knows how the world works. He should understand but maybe its getting to him. All the pressure from lying… maybe he’s cracking. I will not look at him. I will not laugh, I will not cry. Maybe my anger is all I have. Where can I run to now? There is no place its like a trap. Either way I go there is no escape. Maybe he will eventually get irritated. He should leave he won’t get anything out of me. There is no point in just walking this way forever. I dash across the road without even looking. Quite dangerous but I got lucky this time I guess. I will not look back behind me. I will not answer there is nothing I want to say to him.

‘I know about it… I know what you're hiding!’

My feet stop unwillingly. How would he know about that? No one knows… well one person knows. Yet I thought that was confidential he wouldn’t tell him. Unless he knew who the culprit was. Which he still shouldn’t have told him. I take a deep breath that is in the past. I clear my thoughts and continue walking. He already knows to much and that is all I am letting him know. He will not learn anymore. Must ignore, must ignore. I wish I could talk about what happened. Yet… there is just something unresolved.
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Nighttime such a peaceful time. Oh take me away from this place. I would give anything to be away from here.

C for Caught

There is no time… no time for excuses. I can not even imagine what to do. The past two days I have followed my two rules. Now what is today’s? I could plot… catch him in the act of trying to seduce someone else. I could get rid of him from my life. He could be taken away and never able to con anyone else ever again. Maybe I have everything wrong but this is how I see it. Should I be so spiteful?
I put my hair up into a bun. The sun is just starting to rise… how could I even sleep last night? I still keep going over it in my mind… how did he figure it out? School will be starting in a few… what will I do about today? You know maybe I will graduate early. I can just go straight into college for the spring semester. Maybe if I discuss this with the counselor. Getting out of there as soon as possible is my only choice. I can let this all be in the past then. I can be a different person. I will go far away to some college no one around here has ever heard of. There already is one college I applied for. So there is one possibility. Then I can just restart. Forget about this place and everyone here. Especially him… I like this idea.
The lights are off but it feels as though there is a spotlight on me. Why do I have that feeling? I feel as though I am going to be submerged into the past. It is because of all of these thoughts. I close my eyes and see it all again. That day while I was sneaking around… they had summer school at the high school but I went there for the books. I just wanted to read, and yet… I chose the wrong day. I was tricked… he said he needed help but it wasn’t with what I thought. He trapped me, lied to me… I felt so used. I still remember that look in his eyes. It was like a hungry wolf. I was the prey because I was the weakest he knew that. When I open my eyes I realize that I should be leaving for school. I have dwelt long enough in the past. I am going to have to avoid my mother again this morning. She is probably already up… and waiting. There is only one way out, through my window. Which lucky its not that far from the ground and there is the roof on the porch. The neighbors will be suspicious but let them think what they want. Its their imaginations.
I avoid the mirror at all costs. It only reminds me of what was. I only use it when I need to. Its kind of like my feelings. I will only use them when I need to.
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Lunch is fast approaching. Math I use to like math. Now its just a bunch of numbers on a paper. With no meaning to me… it is blank. I can not seem to make my brain comprehend it anymore. Its dead to me… So now all I can do is sit here. I put on a mask and pretend. Even though it does not help much. During lunch I am going to see the counselor. Its not like lunch is highly nutritious and not eating will affect me. The teacher walks back up to the front of the class and starts on her daily speech. Its about finishing the work she handed out and everything else. She always says the same thing everyday. I wonder if she knows she repeats herself. Although it means the bell is going to ring soon. Right after I think that the annoying sound goes off.
I stand up and grab my bag and my folder. Someone taps my shoulder and snickers. I am guessing it is another pathetic person. I am not wasting my time.

‘Hey you, its not Halloween.’

Ignore them, its just a stupid person. The person does not seem interested in bothering me when I do not answer back. Well better get to the counselors office. I think he takes his lunch after all of the students get through. If not then I will have to visit him later. Either way I am talking to him. I hope does not ask to many questions. My voice has not worked in I don’t know how many weeks. Its kind of been the ignoring me thing going on. Its been nice actually but then again I have not really wanted to talk to any of them. What would I say? They didn’t believe me so what next? I am not giving out free chances… that reminds me of monopoly. Which is what this school runs on. One week you are everyone’s best friend the next they think your scum or a nick in their perfect little lives. Their lives are to peaceful they need a rude awakening. Yet that is not my business.
Do you think I have taken to drastic steps? The only reason is because I don’t deserve anything. I can’t wear colorful things because it makes me depressed. I can not listen to much music because it makes me angry. So this is who I am now. Its not like I became this way by choice. I wish I could be like I was. Yet things can’t just go back. I am not going to therapy or anything… That would make it worse. It would be like forcing me to speak about my problems. Which I can barely mention my problems to myself. I have been avoiding mentioning it… my mind still has not come to terms with it.
The counselors door is open when I finally get there. I can hear faint mumbling and clicks on a keyboard. He must be working on something. Should I interrupt? Maybe if I knock on the door.

‘Come in whoever is out there.’

Well so much for knocking. He must have good hearing. I shuffle in wary of what to do. All I have to do is get in and out. No more chitchatting we are not buddies. We are not friends, comrades, maybe acquaintances but that’s it. There is no one else in here I chose a good time.

‘What do you need?’

He sounds a little rude but I am going to overlook that. He may be having a bad day. I can understand that at least.

‘I um… I um…’

My voice shakes and wavers slightly. Can I even speak? This is so stupid, my body does not even work right anymore.

‘Speak up.’

He is a little commanding. I just need to ask and that’s all.

‘I was um… wondering…’

I scratch the back of my head. Calm this is nothing. No emotions… nothing blank face.

‘… do you think it is possible for me to graduate early?’

He finally looks up at me. I arch my eyebrow. If I can put on this mask then maybe I can get through this. Maybe I would be better off dead. I should be dead instead… then there would be no more chance of that happening again. Suddenly I feel like curling up into a ball. Not this feeling again. I have dealt with this for months. I keep myself standing straight up instead of doubling over like I desperately want to do.

‘Do you have all your credits? All the required classes? Are you sure you want to? Are you going to college?’

I tilt my head and beat my foot on the floor. How to address this exactly. I move forward more until I am a few feet from his desk. He eyes me carefully. He must be assessing me right now. Don’t worry Mr. Counselor I am not going to hurt you. Its not like I have turned delinquent. Well not exactly…

‘I have all my credits needed as well as all the required classes. I have four years of English already and almost a half more. I have four years of math already and three years of science and a quarter if that counts. As well as two years of social sciences. I am quite certain I want to graduate as soon as possible. I am going to a college far away I have already been accepted.’

Should he not know about all of this? He is the counselor he should have these files on hand. I feel like I explained things to much. I will not tell anyone about this. This is my little secret. No one will know… and no one will know where I am going to college either. If they knew they might try to harass me more. Even more than they are trying now. It does not bother me so much but it is quite distracting.

‘Okay let me see what I can do… are you going to stay until the end of the semester. We have to open windows, and one is the end of the semester the other is a little earlier.’

I would rather be out of here as soon as possible.

‘Can I take the earlier one?’

The faster I am away from here the more relieved I will feel. Maybe you could call this escaping but oh well. Yes I am a coward and I am escaping from my problems. What else can I do? Its not like I can clearly decide. My mind is not totally here anymore. It comes and goes with the moments. He nods his head and turns to his computer. What do I do? Should I stand here.

‘That gives you two weeks then. I will inform all your teachers.’

I can’t let that happen. No one must know. If the teachers know everyone will know. That’s… even him he will know… I can’t not. My throat goes dry.

‘Can you please not tell them.’

I swallow around a lump in my throat. Calm maybe I can convince him no to tell them. Or maybe tell them the day before I leave. By then I can be gone and out of here. I will have everything packed by then. I am not taking much with me. I am going to burn my journal definitely. It has to much in it. He turns back to me and eyes me more. What is wrong with this guy. Does he have eye problems? If so then he should get glasses not squint more at me. It makes me feel uncomfortable. It makes me feel like he is examining me… like him. I shudder with this thought and look away.

‘Fine, but I will have to tell them something.’

Huh? Can he see what I am feeling? Does he understand? No that’s not possible… how could he understand? Did he go through something similar?

‘You should not hold things in. It is bad for your body.’

My lip quivers a little but I stop it. Maybe he does see what I am feeling. He looks away finally. I clear my throat. Well I guess I should get to lunch. Or maybe I will just go hide out somewhere. I don’t want to see anyone else today. This has used up my patience and confidence.

‘Thank you.’

My voice is whispered and sounds as if a breeze just came through here. Its kind of scary. Almost like a ghost of my old voice. I turn around and half run out of his office. I did not think it would be that easy. I am glad it was that easy. The most difficult part was speaking. I may get called back to his office. Who knows I may have to sign some papers. Where should I go? I don’t want to go outside. I stop halfway down the hallway. There is no where to go. I slump down the wall and sit on the floor. I am pathetic. What happened to my anger and betrayal? I bring my legs up close to me. There is no longer a person here… not even half of a person. I lost that… literally almost. I lay my head down on my knees. Who am I? I can not even answer that anymore. I feel as if I am running after something I can not catch. It is like knowing you will never reach your destination. I once was so close I could breath it in and now… it crumbled under my touch. Like dust it blew away in the wind and became one with the earth. I miss you is what my mind says. My heart feels disgusted. My eyes feel like crying but I have to much pride left for that. Even after all this I still have pride.
I want to slowly die. At least I know there is one person I could meet once I die. She is safe now… I am guessing it was a girl. I never got to know. You give me something and then take it away. What type of place is this? I just want to go far away… far away…
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How did I fall asleep? Who found me? Who was touching me? I blink my eyes and glance around. There is no one around. Where is everyone? I am not in a infirmary I am in a class. Did I turn back the clock or something? Am I getting another chance. I will walk away I will run whatever it takes. There is a clicking noise nearby like a pop can. What am I laying on? My arm twitches… a nervous tick? I hear shuffling and then a face appears before me. I scream and then things are gone again.

D for Dare

I can’t stand myself. Why am I like this? I see his face and then it all goes away? Everything I have worked on even if for a few days. Just like that… and I was avoiding look at him. I was avoiding conversing with him. Its my fault entirely this time. I fell asleep first and then he found me. Why did he find me? Why not someone else? I screamed and passed out from shock this time. I can not be around him normally. Its ruined, my whole mind panics when I see him. Its not normal at all. Its like I have been conditioned. What does this remind me oh yes that test they did on a baby called Albert. He ended up being scared of white furry things… well I guess I am now scared of oddly handsome guy teachers. Weird right? I should not be scared… maybe no I should not even think that.
I made it home after a interesting… yeah I can not even explain it. Let’s just leave it at that. I did not talk to him so don’t worry. I must focus on my anger. He will not get past betraying me. He was caught in the act… unlucky him. I think I have found the answer to my third action or rule. I am not sure what to call it. I forgot what I was calling it earlier. That is how good my mind is working. I am going to use dares to get through the day. I will dare myself to be brave. That is number one dare. I curl up in my chair and stare out the window. How can people walk around so calmly? Don’t they know what is out there? How can they be so careless? Do they not care? I tilt my head and knock it against the back of my chair. Let me leave… oh let me leave. This street is so quiet… most of the time. I close my eyes… I can not sleep. I have not been able to sleep again for the past two nights. I was just starting to get over that. There was only one person who could help with that… he is gone now. I am not talking about that guy at school. I am talking about my best friend. Let’s call him J it seems like a good letter for him. J was my best friend he was a year older than me. We grew up in this neighborhood he always took care of me. He warned me but I did not listen. I need him now… and he is not here. No one is here anymore. He went away to college, besides I could not bother him with my stupid problems. I am sure he has more concerning matters.
I guess I never appreciated anything until now. That what I mean is I appreciated it to late because now all of it is gone. All crumbled away… A tear escapes but I quickly wipe it away. I can not let my feelings get to me. Wait I can not keep this mask up all the time. Eventually I will break… I have to relax and let it out sometime. I crinkle my toes together and then spread them out. I need a distraction… something… you know maybe I will just wonder the streets tonight. I can not sleep anyway. Might as well do anything. Its not like anyone will miss me. They probably will not even know I left. Then if I get tired during tomorrow I will just leave school. Or find a more safer place to crash. I don’t want another run in with the enemy. Yes let me consider him the enemy. He is the enemy because of how he makes me feel. Its unacceptable to me. I have to much on my mind to even think about that. Is it his fault this all happened. Partially I guess… its his fault he couldn’t keep calm. His hands just had a mind of their own I guess. It was partially annoying. Yet at the time I had never felt anything like that before so I willingly accepted it. I did not think about the future I did not think that it would turn out like this. If only I had not heard that… if only I had not done that. So does the blame lie mostly on me? Is it because I overheard a few things I shouldn’t have? Is it because I didn’t know… I knew to late and there was nothing I could do. It was already gone and done. You can’t blame me because I did not know.
The image comes into my head again. Wondering down the hallway towards that classroom. There is a small crack in the door. I smile and tiptoe ready to surprise him. My stupid childish dreams float around in my head. I get closer to the door and hear giggling. Someone else is in there… someone else… not me. He tells her to calm down. She asks him what’s going on with him that she has seen him with someone around in the next town. Yes we had to go to another town because he was to ashamed. It was immoral, improper I guess. The summer breeze drifts through the air and twirls my hair around. I expect for him to defend everything for him to stand up and say that it is none of her business. Yet all he does is sit there and laugh. He tells her that it was a joke that he is messing around with some girl he just met. My heart became broken… but that is not all. It got much worse after that. I refused to see him. He wondered why not even knowing that I heard. What a jerk! Oh yes but it got worse. Much worse… right before school started… I can not even mention it now. I wish I could accept that. Yet I can not it is… not something easily spoken.
I can’t stay here. There are to many memories linked with this place. This place where I use to wait. This place where I dreamed and had hopes. Those things are dead to me now. There is no hope for me I have no dreams. They were burnt to the ground in a tragic fire. No one even tried to rescue them either… I could not even care. I open my eyes and look around. It is probably near midnight by now. The best time to wander the streets. I wipe away the tears and make sure to dry my face. I turn on my small lamp no one would notice it is on. I touch up my make-up and get on my clothes for tomorrow. I will probably not come back for tonight. It is better like this. I have to believe that. I will believe… I am daring myself to be brave. I am also daring myself to get over this. Maybe I need a new change. I don’t think I could handle a new relationship. Yet maybe something else a new hobby or something. Who knows…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My head flops from side to side. This place is surprisingly boring. All I see is stupid drunk people. I am glad I am not one of them. I could be worse I could be like that. I could throw out everything and drown myself in alcohol. You know at the moment that does not sound to bad. What am I thinking? A strange glimmer of my past self comes up. She is sunshiny with cute braids in her hair. I miss those days… I was so simple and easy minded to easily fooled. I stop my head and look over the booth. At least there is decent entertainment. Well when I can see them at least. Most of the people are up and dancing around shoving their butts everywhere. Its horrifying maybe I should catch this on tape… it would make for a really funny blackmail video. I could go up to them and ask hey do you remember that night? If they say no then I could laugh and say well I certainly do. Then I could either leave them puzzled or show them the tape or just blackmail them with the information I have. I click my tongue… maybe I am thinking to much. It is the surroundings I guess that is making me think like this. A voice comes over the speaker now and announces that they are taking a break. The people scream and some boo. Wow… these people need to stop drinking. How can someone waste their whole lives in a place like this? I shouldn’t even be here. Why am I here again? Oh yes distraction… I am surprised they even let me in. The guy looked at me once and just let me in. Weird I wonder why…
I hear snickering and look up. A group of use to be popular high school girls walks by. You can tell by the cloud of perfume and the hot pink nails. As well as the overdone make up although I guess I have no room to speak. At least I didn’t go 80’s… maybe I will do that next week. It would be interesting. At least it would entertain me. I could change my theme each week… sounds fun but I don’t think I have the heart for that. I sigh and then inhale deeply. I look down at the floor which is littered with various objects. There is one which I believe to be a condom… why it is doing on the middle of the floor is beyond me. People are so weird. There is a weird shuffling noise and the seat I am sitting on moves slightly. Since it is a round booth someone might have sat on the other side. Its not like I was trying to monopolize the whole booth.

‘You over there what’s your name?’

I look up and then over at the person sitting next to me. I was right someone did sit down. He has dark hair and I think he is wearing eyeliner. I am just going to ignore that. Must keep face blank. What makes him think I am going to answer him anyway?

‘I asked you a question!’

Maybe he is drunk as well. If so then he is a violent drunk. I am saying this because of his tone. He does not seem friendly but he seems harmless. At the moment not many people could really hurt or harm me. I tilt my head and arch my eyebrow.

‘Maybe she doesn’t want to talk to you.’

Another person appears out of nowhere. Where are these people coming from? Are they like rabbits coming from a magicians hat? I lower my eyes at the new person. He looks familiar… I am not sure I like how he looks. I admit he does seem handsome but so does his friend. So that doesn’t mean anything. The only difference is that this guy can take a hint. As well as he is wearing maybe mascara on top of the eyeliner. Maybe he is a cross dresser. Who knows? I look away and focus to the distance. I am starting to feel tired… maybe I should have stayed home.

‘Who doesn’t want to talk to me? Everyone always wants to talk to me!’

I can still hear their annoying voices. So the one guy is a bit egotistical. That’s nice on top of the already annoying attitude. That makes it so much better. Yes I should have stayed home. It is interesting watching the drunks but still… I can tell that one of them is moving closer to me. They better not touch me.

‘So hey you what’s your name?’

I look back over at him my eyes lowered. He is really asking me that? I think I am just going to leave. It was a mistake to come here. Yet where else is there to go? This guy is quite interesting looking. He seems to be… well possibly a pervert. He has that look to him. He is smirking strangely at me its kind of creepy.

‘Just leave her alone.’

I look over at the other guy. I don’t like how he looks he reminds me of someone. He smiles at me and nods his head. Then he walks away shaking his head. Oh great now I am alone with the freak. I’m leaving no more delaying this. I stand up and walk past him. I am just going to find a different place to hide out. Maybe the library would be a good place. No they would get to suspicious. There is not many places to go. If I wandered the streets the police would get suspicious. Unless I just stay in my room with the door locked watching the outside world. Which that just does not sound entertaining. I take one last look at the place. In a way I envy these people. They are secure enough to be like this. I can not even do that. Outside the air is more cold or so I guess. I have been reprogrammed not to feel it. I inhale deeply and exhale watching my breathe turn white and then disappear. I can not hold myself up any longer. My knees begin to shake and I fall down to the ground. I am to weak for this. I wish I were stronger, if I were stronger nothing would bother me. Yet everything bothers me… tears start to well up in my eyes. Why am I crying? I close my eyes but some tears manage to escape. So much for no emotions…

‘You shouldn’t be on the ground like that.’

I don’t care, I don’t care… I dared myself to be brave. Yet I can not even hold onto that. Everything always slips away from me. I guess I should get use to that. I can not even say that I am completely sane. That is because I know I am not. If only you knew everything… but I can not tell you everything. If I told you everything… you would not believe no one believes. How can I trust anyone? Its not possible for me. I might as well state it though. The whole truth including all the tidbits. If you don’t believe that is your problem. I wipe the tears off my cheek.
It started during the summer. I was sick every morning and I could not stand it. So I made an appointment to see the doctor. He said he was going to come with me. He said he did not like it when I was sick it worried him. What a lie he made. He never showed up and I went alone. The doctor asked me questions I could not even begin to tell you. The one question made me think, which when I did not answer he just looked at me. He marked something down in his little book. I felt so sick I should have known. I should have known. The room felt like it was enclosing on me. The doctor said he wanted to run some tests. I already knew what the tests were of course. He asked me if there was a possibility that I might be pregnant. Which… what could I say? It took about a week to find out the results. Which the day I found out I was going to tell him… That was the day I went to the school to find him. He was there with someone else. What could I say? I ran away and cried. My whole body hurt and was in pain. The next thing I knew it was gone. I blamed him for everything. I was hoping that he would help me that he would be happy. I was to much of a fool. I believed every word he told me. After that I stopped believing I stopped living. Everything stopped… it is like I am frozen in place. Still remembering all of that. Yet he has enough tenacity to act like that. It makes me angry… what makes it even more worse is my feelings. I can not tell if I have them or not… its not normal. There was one more thing which makes it worse. I can not… no its not even mentionable.
Be brave, be brave…. Oh help me someone please help. My head nods off and hit’s the ground. I am pathetic. I am hopeless, I am nothing.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 13.06.2012

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