As I am

 

An old poem to be revived

with crude stanzas to recite

Dangling words shamble

into meaningless quotes

that people shun to listen

Looking straight at face

they grimace at me

chewing curse with ease

words spit with scorn

not fit to live here

as survival of the fittest

is the norm of today.

I am a Sham?

Worn out, shabby, weak, old
Time has thrown me out
Thinking down my early twenties
when none considered
either my skills or perfectness
Devoid of flesh on bones
none ready to choose
fate moved me into married life
if he liked or disliked
we have crossed the span
with the old age setting in
when withered spirits engulf life
I am called ‘Sham’
Never learned how to be false
I always believed to be straight
Biased or not to call me ‘sham’
slapped me literally on the face
Never to believe again
I have achieved something to tell
The word hits me on my nerves
spreading pain everywhere
It let my eyes open wide
would I ever be treated so
for life is false at all levels
you are here today
you will be gone tomorrow.

Review 1

 What makes a person a Sham?

What makes a person an achiever?

 

Earlier today I made an item that you might want to check out because it is about me writing about executive decisions, and the things and processing that goes into these decisions, and it seems as though you are writing about regret in this poem. Do feelings make a person a failure? I don't think they do because in a lot of cases, they help people to invest in life's rainbow. I find that people have trouble when they take the focus off of life's rainbow and put it on the pot of gold too much. A lot of people like people who come across as stirred and enthusiastic, but do that make a person an achiever? I don't think it does.

 

I think that only you can make yourself an achiever, and I think that you could do this by living from your being and everyday personality. If you are having a hard time being aware of your being and everyday personality, you might want to look for these things within yourself because you will find these things if you look for them.

 

I think that a lot of the things people believe on a personal level are the best things to define that person. Don't mind me. I'm just giving you food for thought with your work. I could say "do this,' or "do that," but I think I see what you are getting at, and I do have this. I think you want people to know what it is like to be a "sham" and an "achiever" at the same time because that's what all people are in the first place. Therefore, what if you included something in your work about the gray area that keeps everyone from being one absolute or the other?

 

Besides, the more you pay attention to all of things (the rainbow), and not just the things that appeal to you (the pot of gold), the better your world will be. Like I'm saying, this is just food for thought. I like what you have in this piece from an in-general point of view, yet I think you might want to expand what you have.

 

Like I'm saying, though, I think you want to convey what it is like to not have all the answers in life, and I'm okay with your work doing just that. If you don't change anything, I don't blame you a bit. Harper Paul

Review 2

 

First Impression/Thoughts:

I should tell you upfront my personal prejudice - I'm not a fan of free verse. That said, I quite enjoyed this probably because I found it honest and - yes - I could identify with it *Smile*.

 

Creativity/Impact:

Honesty is always creative and the doubts and feelings you share are uniquely you. You can't get much more creative than that.

 

Message/Theme:

This was a poem that thematically expresses your doubts about the road you've traveled in your life. It certainly is specific to a relationship you've had over many years that has deteriorated with age, with familiarity, with complacency.

 

Technique/Technical Notes:

I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your words.

 

Title - "I am Sham" The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought your title invited the reader in to explore what brought you to this point - what falseness you felt had earned you the title. I'm sure some will look just to see what you're talking about. You did incorporate the title into the poetic content as well which I thought was an excellent use.

 

Grammar/Wording - You use bitter words to describe where you find yourself at this point. The words reflect an emptiness you feel although there's a level of doubt that you deserve such a moniker. I think to some degree, that's where I felt conflicted about your poem. In verse 3 you wrote "if he liked or disliked." It seemed to just hang there without connection. If he liked or disliked what? Marriage? You? As I read your poem, the emotions are clear but the connections between the emotions and the meanings of the lines sometime fade. Perhaps the visible example was the dichotomy of being called "a sham" and "never learned to be false." I think you answered your own question: Who can tell me? You can.

 

Form/Flow - I'm sure I've said this before; free verse is, despite its freedom, not entirely free. It still needs to feel like poetry, whether it's in the use of verses, poetic norms, or simply the use of poetic lines. That's what I look for when reading. In free verse; every single line should be written and placed for a reason. I think you did a good job of both making this feel like poetry and flow like poetry.

 

Poetic devices - I thought your use of enjambment was very effective in pulling the reader from line to line. I thought your use of assonance also made for a pleasing and flowing read.

 

Emotion/Imagery - Emotion is the center stage for this write. There is a sense of outrage that someone you've been with so long could label you a sham; yet, you seem to accept it albeit with indignation. You know the truth as only someone who's lived it can.

 

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this for the honesty I felt you wove into each line. I think that you knew exactly what you were feeling and had a lot of emotions in your mind as you wrote this. I feel that in the moment of writing, you forgot that we - the readers - don't have access to all those feelings and, with the passage of time, you can now go back and relook this from our perspective. This is a good poem but it felt like there was something missing that would allow the reader to fully understand what was driving you. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

 

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

 

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best, Ken

 

Review 3

 

First Impression

The words that crafted this poem were saddening, but all too often how some feel when old age approaches. I was left with the well known quote that regret is the biggest thing we face when old age and death approaches us, and how one must find their own ways to avoid this painful and devastating state before it is too late.

 

Favorite Part

I felt as though stanza two was the most powerful. The lines, devoid of flesh on bones/no one ready to choose me cut to the quick and provided strong imagery for me.

 

Grammar & Punctuation

This is obviously free verse, but I still sense that there is some overall structure to it. That being said, I think that this could benefit from a little bit of work on the punctuation and and flow. For instance, Worn out, shabby, weak, old[.]/[T]ime has thrown me out. could work, but so could: Worn out, shabby, weak old;/time has thrown me out.. I think it just depends on how you want to approach it, if you want to change it at all. If you do change it or decide to add punctuation to it, my suggestion is to keep it universal across all stanzas and lines.

perfectness ~ Although accepted as a word, I found this a little awkward where it's at. I wonder if instead of coming out and describing being perfect if there is another way to show it.

There is a question at the end of stanza five that ends with a dash, but I think that perhaps it might be more poignant if it ended like a normal question, with a question mark.

 

Other Thoughts

I like how the word sham was brought back around. It seems to play an important role in this poem as it speaks of what others perceive the narrator to be. I don't like name calling, but the reference in itself describes how the opinions of others can reflect on one's self worth and the role it plays in making them feel important, needed, and wanted. I wonder what kinds of things people say to others that is, unbeknownst to them, taken to the grave.

 

My Opinion

I appreciate what you wrote, and although it's not my favorite style, I can see it for what it is and appreciate it none-the-less. I think that the questions that this provokes is well worth the read, especially the ending. Thank you for sharing this.

 

Write On!

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 15.05.2012

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