Preening dreams

Chapter 1

‘The tiny plant embryo embedded in the seed remains dormant and when the conditions are favourable it germinates.’

Celina read the sentence again and again. In this world, even the plants are blessed. God has given them the ability to spring into life when the conditions are favourable. But, why has God not yet blessed her like that. She found it difficult to arrive at an answer for this question.
Will it not be great if she also has that option of going into dormancy when conditions are not favourable to lead a happy life?

Every day in the evening around 4 pm, Celina starts to collect jasmine buds from the climber. She collected at least 700 buds and started to make a long strand of jasmine flowers. It usually took 45 minutes for her to finish the strand.

After a few unsuccessful attempts, Celina succeeded in getting the climber grow. She got the sapling from her friend and took the maximum care every day by watering it regularly. Whenever she sprinkled water on the sapling she always prayed to God and wished the plant will grow new leaves and roots and grow in her home. Finally when the plant started to grow, she felt happy that her prayers were answered.

The climber climbed on the thin stems of the pomegranate tree and spread across the top of the tree. After the collecting fresh buds for the day, she never forgot to spend time to cut away the dry twigs and short stubs from where buds are picked up.

Chapter 2

Whoever meets Celina for the first time will be shocked to see her permanently closed right eye. Though her facial features looked sharp and impressive, there was no right eye and instead of eye lashes, the right lid of the eye bluntly closed the place. To compensate this loss, her left eye looked beautiful with the bow like eye brow and thick eye lashes. The brilliance in the left eye smiled at any one who looked at her. To avoid the embarrassing look from the onlookers, Celina always wore the pair of sunglasses that her father gifted on her birthday.

It took time for Celina’s parents to accept the fact that their daughter has to learn to live with the only eye. So, they never failed to give her the confidence and hope that she will achieve her best in the life.

Celina decorated the small statue of Mother Mary with the strand of jasmine flowers. As her mother insisted, she then decorated her dark, silky, plait of hair with the remaining strands of jasmine. Slowly, the jasmine buds unfurled and spread a deep fragrance across the room. The strong fragrance of the jasmine flowers literally made her plaits smell with an inviting fragrance and Celina named it as fragrance of love.

Whenever Celina went to her college wearing strands of jasmine, the place around her smelt so strong with that fragrance of love and made people stare her plait of hair admiringly. People who always looked her from behind took her to be one of the charming girls. She looked tall and attractive with her well built shoulders. Her thin waist added grace not only to her posture but also to her luring walk.

Chapter 3

Every day it was a treat to watch birds preening their feathers. Celina loved to watch the birds sitting and preening on the big mango tree in the backyard.

In birds, preening is a behaviour that helps them to maintain hygiene of the feathers. Birds usually use their beaks and feet to preen their feathers.
As feathers are the main asset for the birds to fly in the air, they take the utmost care to maintain cleanliness. Sometimes, birds preen mutually which showed their mutual love and affection. Once Celina burst into a loud laugh when she saw a little sparrow bundled into a position like a ball while preening.

Usually during the morning time, crows or mynas or sparrows that come to pick the morsels left at the backyard would fly away immediately, if they heard human steps. But while preening, they never paid attention to things around them and looked more studious and concentrated in cleaning their feathers. For Celina those hours never looked long and tedious. Without moving her eyes away from the birds, she sat watching them.

Celina’s thoughts took her elsewhere. Do men and women have preening behaviour? To tell the truth, yes. It is interesting to know such behaviour exist with man also. Just like a woman who takes the maximum care to dress well to attract men, man also sports preening behaviours to tell his mind. Pressing down his shirt sleeves or straightening his hair is a type of preening behaviour in man which is a sign of attraction. Though Celina had watched young men doing so while travelling in the bus or walking down the street, she never came across such a thing in her life.

Unfortunately, from her front view, for all men she looked so plain and dumb and she never succeeded in attracting the attention of any men of her age. Instead they scorned at her and often teased her calling ‘one eyed ogre’.

Chapter 5

“Let me, let me.” Celina pleaded her dad.

“Wait, wait.” Her father smoothly took away the bamboo lid that covered the metal bushel. The
metal bushel was half filled with sand. Inside the bushel, Celina could see a broody hen sitting in the middle of bushel. Her father told her that the hen was sitting on a clutch of eggs and the eggs are covered by her wings and feathers.

Celina could not see any eggs.

“Where are the eggs?” Celina questioned curiously.

“They are here.” Her dad carefully lifted the left wing of the hen and showed the eggs underneath the hen.

“When will the chicks come out, dad?”

“In another ten days. But you should not disturb the eggs often.”

“Why. I want to hold the eggs for a while on my hand. Shall I?” Celina looked at her dad.

“No, Celi, then the chicks will not grow properly.”

“Now go and bring that small container with water and leave it inside the bushel. The hen may need water to drink.”

Celina brought the small container with water and gave it to her dad. Her dad carefully placed it near the hen. The hen put her beak into the container and drank some water.

Celina’s dad once again placed the bamboo lid on the bushel and asked her to go and play. Though Celina knew she should not disturb the hen, every day she spent some time looking through the bamboo lid and watch the brooding hen.

The hen rarely came out of the bushel. Sometimes Celina watched the hen slowly changed the places of the eggs under her. It did so, so that all the eggs received the warmth uniformly.

If the eggs received heat uniformly, it will definitely hatch after 21 days and no egg will go waste.

One day while Celina was playing in front of her house, her dad called her. He took an egg from the bushel and placed it near Celina’s ear.

“Can you hear the chick?” Celina could hear the soft tap of chick inside the egg.

“Yes.” She looked at her dad with a smile.

“In one or two days chicks will hatch.”

“Will you then let me hold the chick on my hand?”

“Sure. Please wait for another two days.”

Next day morning when Celina peeped through the bamboo lid, she heard the soft sound of a
chick. ‘Dad’ She screamed with excitement and ran into the house to call her dad.

Her dad counted the number of chicks that hatched from the eggs. One egg was left behind.

Celina's dad took that unhatched egg and gave it to Celina. He asked her to throw it down the drain as no chick will come out of that.

Celina threw it away near the fence. The shell of the egg broke and the remains of the egg splashed on the ground. It spread along the ground with a bad smell showing a mixture of liquid and a lump of tissues.

Chapter 6

"Do you know how to make poached eggs?"

"Hm. I know how to eat eggs". Jason replied with a smile.

"What if we make a bull's eye now?" Appu asked Jason from the kitchen table.

"A bull's eye, I don't mind, but with more pepper and salt".

"Done". Appu with a soft whistle kept the non-stick pan on the stove.

After twenty minutes, both of them started to eat their supper. The clock next door chimed ten announcing it is ten o'clock at night.

"What happened to your interview to-day?" Jason asked his friend in a serious tone.

"I will know next week. I have something to share with you today".

"Interesting. Tell me".

"To-day I went to the blood bank to donate blood. They have opened a new counter there for egg and sperm donation".

"What!" Jason looked at him with a shock.

"Unbelievable, is it happening so in Chennai!"

"What is the surprise? It is happening already."

"So, you have one more choice to donate", with a chuckle Jason looked at Appu.

"Hi, nothing wrong in it. Just like blood donation, this is also one more donation".

"Yet, I don't want to spread my seeds everywhere". Jason whispered in a low tone.

"I can see a few girls at the egg donation wing also."

"Blood donation is something precious. But this type of a thing I don't think so".

"The centre even has the facility to store eggs and sperms in the locker there."

"Enough. I don't want to talk any more on this". Jason moved away from the table to wash his
hands. Suddenly Jason felt some unknown heaviness in his heart. He could not tell why he felt so.

Chapter 7

'The tiny plant embryo embedded in the seed remains dormant and when the conditions are favorable it germinates.'

But in a human life, for some people, it has become an unpredictable task to produce a zygote or a human embryo.

Research studies have found out the declining ratio of the capability of a sperm to bump into the human egg to produce a zygote. The evolving life style of the people living in this century has degraded the quality of the human reproductive system. Along with the growing concern about the exploding population of the world, the concern to become biological parents is also on the rise.

Though Celina knew she is not alone in the world with her problem, the impact the problem had in
her life grew unmanageable day by day.

Society at large sneered at the women who failed to conceive a baby and become a mother. The social restrictions denied them the opportunity to be a part of the religious or social rituals and showed an indifferent attitude and kept them in seclusion. Just as a Raja Ram Mohan Roy was there to abolish Sati, another social activist need to be born again to change the attitude of the society towards women who failed to conceive and become mothers.

Something or other prevented Jason to accompany Celina to undergo the tests as advised by the doctor. To convince him to come along with her became a task every time. Celina though educated and employed with a decent job always felt at heart she has failed to achieve something in life.
She always wondered how complicated things can be in life. Is there anything that cannot be resolved with the scientific breakthrough?

It is quite intriguing to know how much time will a pollen grain takes to move down the stamen to fertilize the ovary that is embedded deep inside a flower.
In the same way how much time will a sperm take to bump into the egg released from the ovary and get it fertilized?

Celina remembered the dissection sessions when they were asked to dissect a frog and show their systems. Usually the zoology practical sessions happened between 12 noon and 1 pm in the afternoon. With an empty stomach, Celina always felt haze and dizzy. Celina once got a female frog for her dissection. After pinning the four legs of the chloroformed frog with the bell pins on the dissection table, with the scalpel from the dissection box, she cut open the abdomen of the frog.

Celina could not withstand what she saw. The abdomen of the frog was filled with greenish jelly like substance. The flavor that arose from the jelly like substance churned her empty stomach with an uneasy feeling and made her puke instantly. During mating, the male frog holds the female frog in a tight embrace. The female frog discharges the eggs in a safer place in the water and the male frog sheds the sperms over the eggs.

Chapter 8

“Jason,” the girl at the desk called.

Jason who was standing in the narrow passage outside the lab, rushed to the counter.

“Are you Mr. Jason?” the girl confirmed with him.

She then gave him a sterilised plastic container.

“Please go to the room at the end and get the specimen. Once done, hand over the container at the lab,” the girl gave him the instructions in a monotonous tone. So many patients come to the lab every day, and whoever he is it is immaterial to her. It is her duty to tell him what to do.
With an awkward feeling he took the container and walked into the room at the end of the passage. The room was well lit by the sunlight that came through the window high on the wall.
After locking the door, he looked through the iron bars on the window. He felt embarrassed to think what others who are waiting, sitting or walking in the passage in front of the lab will think about him.

For a second, Jason felt angry toward Celina. Jason constantly refused to come along with Celina as he felt embarrassed to undertake the test. Even though the doctor insisted that it is important as it can rule out the initial problems of getting conceived.

Jason felt so awkward once again to loosen his belt, unzip his pants and do the job. Doing so inside that small room looked so odd and it increased his temper and made him feel irritated.

Jason’s hand trembled till he did a neat job, and after handing over the container, he asked for some soap to clean his hands in the running water. After a few wash, Jason felt relieved and he walked down the steps that took him to the front door of the hospital.

“Where are you?” Celina came searching for Jason in front of the hospital.

“Why don’t you wait in the reception? Why are you standing outside the hospital?” Celina asked him in a lower tone.

“Have you finished all the tests? Are you ready to leave?” Jason frowned.

“I am done. Just wait. Let me get the file and come back in a few minutes.” Celina ran inside the hospital to collect the file with the prescriptions and the test details.

“Is this the end or you want me to do some more tests?” Jason questioned her with a scorn.

Celina followed him without answering. She knew if she answered that can lead to a wordy quarrel between them spoiling the harmony at home. She kept her mouth shut tightly.

“I just can’t tolerate people who ogle at me. I hate it.” Jason screamed when he stepped inside the house.

“Why do you look at them? Just ignore them, things will be fine.” Celina replied him back in a softer tone.

“Don’t try to convince me. I am not ready to go through all these stupid tests. Don’t involve me in all these. I just hate it.” Jason’s words tore apart Celina’s ears. She could not answer him except crying silently within her.

After two days Celina went to collect the reports. Much to her relief, the reports showed everything normal with both of them. Celina felt relieved. The doctor then asked her to do the post coital test that brought added problems between her and Jason.

Chapter 9

The ordeal started the next day in the evening. As the gynecologist visited the clinic only in the evening, she asked Celina to come for the test in the evening and submit the sample at the lab. Celina collected the request for the test kit from the doctor and went to the lab to get the kit.

The person at the lab asked her to come and get the kit the next day evening before going to meet the doctor. As the kit needed sterile condition, he asked her to collect the kit just one hour before she went to meet the doctor.

Celina did not find it difficult to explain Jason what they need to do. It became a difficult task for her to make him realize how important the test was to them and how she desperately needed his cooperation. Though the lab was near to her house, she had to walk at least ten minutes to reach the lab. She started around 5:30 pm and collected the kit. When she reached home it was around 6:10 pm.

Jason so engrossed in watching his favorite soccer match, did not want to move away from the chair.

“I have brought the kit.” Celina informed him. Jason did not take his eyes from the television.

He deliberately ignored Celina.

“Please” Celina pleaded and her eyes brimmed with tears.

“What do you want me to do?” Jason looked at her irritated. Celina felt ashamed and embarrassed.
She prayed any other woman should not go through such a humiliation for the sake of having a child.

“Coming, go and lock the door. Close all the windows.” Jason still had his eyes glued to the television.

Without uttering a word Celina went inside and closed all the windows. Jason joined her after ten minutes.

Both of them felt so odd to be in bed at that hour. Evening time happened to be the most favourable time for lovers to exchange their sweet nothings and enjoy the nearness of each other. In their meeting places, the lovers take advantage of the mild darkness of the dusk to enjoy their presence.

“Do I need to stoop so low to become a father?” Jason passed a sarcastic remark.

“Please.” Celina requested him once again.

“I hate you. I don’t know why I married you.” Jason kept on murmuring something or other.

Whenever he needed Celina, Jason always wanted her to cooperate. It is immaterial if she liked it or not.

“Wait.” Jason moved away from her and went outside for a while.

When he came back, he treated her just like a test animal on the desk of a researcher and finished his job.

“It is done, now leave me. Let me go and watch the match.” Without waiting for an answer from her, Jason left the room.

Celina climbed down the cot and changed into a new dress. Taking the kit in her hand, she started to walk to the doctor’s clinic. The doctor did not allow her to wait at the clinic. She immediately took the swab and asked her to handover the kit in the lab.

Thanking the doctor once again, Celina walked to the lab. After handing over the kit to the person in the lab, Celina reached home feeling heavy at heart.

“Should he treat me like dirt?” Celina filled the bucket with the cold water. Though it was eight o’clock in the night, she desperately needed that bath. She felt relieved and relaxed after taking the bath in the cold water.

Chapter 10

The doctor read through the report and told Celina that everything is normal. She told Celina to wait for another six months and go for artificial insemination.

“But I don’t want a child doctor. Never, never from him” Celina replied the doctor. The doctor was initially shocked to hear that.

“Why do you say so? Is he not good to you? Or do you have any problem living with him?” Celina could not answer the questions immediately. She took some time to reply.

“Yes, he may look good but I never enjoyed being a woman with him. I never had an opportunity to enjoy the bliss of being born as a woman” Celina replied with a firm tone.

Celina’s eyes brimmed with tears. “I know it is painful to forsake motherhood, but I don’t want his child” Celina replied again.

“There is no need to hurry. Take your own time to decide and get back to me,” the doctor answered her in a calm tone.

“What will you get from the egg of a snake?” Celina questioned the doctor.

Puzzled with her question, the doctor looked at her.

“Answer me, doctor.” Celina repeated.

“A baby snake” the doctor answered her.

“Can anything different come out of the egg of a snake?” Celina looked at the doctor.

The doctor nodded her head silently. “He is a venomous snake, and I don’t want to get one more replica of him.” Celina replied her.

“I just could not tolerate one more person like him. It can be a girl or a boy. Yet, the child will definitely carry the genes of him. At any time it will show its true colors.” Celina got up from her chair thanking the doctor.

Celina reached home with a heavy heart. Jason was watching television as usual. He did not bother to ask her what the result of the report was.

Celina went to the kitchen and filled two cups of coffee. She gave one cup to Jason and walked to the balcony with the other cup in her hand.

The evening sun glowed red in the western horizon. Slowly the sky turned dark. The glowing sun moved down the horizon.

The moon slowly rose from the horizon and moved up in the sky. With her eyes focused, she meditated for a while. With a deep breath she ordered her sub-conscious mind.

“God knows what you deserve accept it with a whole heart.” Celina with a smile looked at the moon again.

End.

Impressum

Texte: Kalai Selvi Arivalagan
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 22.11.2011

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Widmung:
Indian women who face social stigma because they could not conceive.