Chapter 1

Hey guys,
I'm Riley Hathaway and 16 years old and chinese. If you ignore my idiocy I'm just a normal student in a nearly normal life. I'm 16 about half a year. I always thought about my problems as a small matter, since there are many people in this world who have even worse problem, but since I entered high school my whole lives gone wrong.

I once was a quite cheerful girl, yeah, maybe I should have mentioned that I'm a girl since with the name Riley I could have also been a guy :D Well, but never mind. Like I said I once was quite cheerful. My only problems were how to survive school and to get to the computer before my father got home.
But since about a month before my 16th birthday everything started to get out of control. I had to decide for a main subject which wasn't that much of a disaster, but somehow I realized how near the end of my school life was. After school I need to choose if I want to go to university or go working...
Either way it's going to be my future. I saw that the future of mine was unknown to me and I got scared.

After that I quite screwed up my life...

Chapter 2

First day as a high school student was too easy. I quickly found a friend, Caroline. We immediately were close to each other. Even though my class mostly consits of guys it wasn't a big deal.
I still had contact to my old friends back in the middle school. Macy and Lesh were my best friends. Even though Macy and I were closer than me and Lesh.

After the first exam I had to realized that high school wasn't as easy as middle school. My grades dropped and dropped, but I encouraged myself and put some effort in studying. Everything seems to get normal again and I decided to fun from time to time.
At that time my cousin Jase called and asked me to celebrate with him and a friend. I really wanted to go, but it was already dark outside and I didn't want to sit alone in the train for 2hours. But he told me to just grabbed a friend, so I called Macy. She immediately loved the idea. 'Coz I was always talking about my cousins in front of her, that's why she was always curious to meet them.
She agreed to go with me, but her mother didn't let her.
'Never mind', said Jase. 'We just change the date.'
Did I already told you have much I love my cousin :D Well, we change the date and Macy invited Lesh to come with us. Since nobody mind we three should go there.
On a friday after school Jase's older brother Kai picked us up, so that we just had to pay to ticket back.

We got there and slowly also his friends came. Even Mariketa was there. Mariketa is the only friend I have in the howntown of my cousins. We met through her boyfriend Stefan and my cousins who are good friends. At the end we were 10 people.
It was quite amusing as always. Lesh and especially Macy fell in love with the situation. She loved it there. Before we even went to bed she asked when we could come again. I didn't mind since I am nearly every vacation at my cousins and it would be great when I had some friend with who I can share the fun and talk about it afterwards.

Back then I didn't knew that it was a bit mistake to take them there. I didn't knew that that decision I made would change my relationship with my family and that it's going to destroy my life.

Chapter 3

We celebrated till morning and fell in the bed afterwards.
The morning was kinda funny. Macy, Lesh and I woke up exactly at the same time xD Damn it, we were hungry, but since we didn't want to wake up the whole house, we stayed upstairs and waited.
'Riley, I am hungry.', said Macy.
'Yeah, me too...'
We joked around and then it was finally time to go downstairs. We went down and ate breakfast with Kai, Jase, my aunt and my uncle. It was kind of awkward since most of the time they talked through me. Whenever they wanted to ask my friends if they want something I should asked them. After the breakfast it was even more strange, since we haven't planed what to do. We at first sat in their room. Normally we would just do our own stuff. That's what I love about them. When we wanted we could do something together, but if we didn't the do the same things they would do if I wasn't around. And I did the same as I normally do at home. But with Lesh and Macy there we somehow had the desire to entertain them, but we had no clue how.
'So what should we do?', I asked them.
Macy and Lesh just shrugged their shoulders which didn't help at all. Even when I asked them when we wanted to go home they didn't have an opinion. Thus I had to all the decision. Then Jase had to help his parents and it was just Kai, Macy, Lesh and me...
Thank god we overcame the awkwardness after a while. Just played some games and then it was already time. Kai drove is to the trainstation, but didn't have time to stay till the train arrived.
At first it wasn't a problem at all, but then some strange guys came and talked to us. We could smell the alcohol...
Macy whispered to me: 'Why couldn't Kai stay. These guys are scary.'
The guys were definitely trying to hit on us. They were touching us. I really wanted to call Hawk who lived near the station, but he definitely still wasn't up after he celebrated with us the day before...
Thank god the train came and we rushed in and headed in the different direction the guys were.

After we sat down we sighed.
'That was a close one. Why didn't you call Hawk?!', asked Lesh.
The tone she used wasn't my liking at all and I said: 'Because the train was about to come and he wouldn't have come in time.' -.-
Lesh was about to say something, but Macy said: 'Hey, don't argue, 'kay?
I agreed since I hate to argue with my friends. The ride was long since we didn't talked much.
Back at home Macy: ' Next time you go there take us along, kay?'
'Sure thing.' ;)
Lesh: 'Hey, how about autumn holidays?'
'Don't think so since our autumn holidays and theirs are totally differtent and I don't want to disturbe therir studies.'
'Mmh... then sometime later.'
'Definitely.' :D

Back then I still had no clue about the future that's going to come, but somehow I felt something. My heart felt uneasy and when I had listened to my heart then I could have known. But it was already too late to stop it.

Chapter 4

After the party

The change started right after the party. Now that I think back it was quite clear, but I just didn't wanted to see it. Macy told me that Kai and Jase wanted to tag along to some event. I didn't mind, so we all made plans together. But some days before the event something happened in the family and I thought that my cousins wouldn't go due the family issue. That's why I told Macy and Lesh that they shouldn't asked further questions when they cancel our meeting and of course they promised. They didn't asked a single question and I appreciated that.
Still I was really worried about them and wanted to check on them. Somehow my father knew about how I felt and suggested to pay a visit. I didn't know how to thank him for that. I normally don't show my feelings and didn't how to tell him how much that meant to me, but he is my father and understood without me saying a word.
My worries were justified. Kai didn't show how hurt he was like always, but I know him my whole life and knew that something was wrong. But I also knew that he wanted to be left alone, so I didn't disturb him. Jase instead was always more opened which was why we were much nearer than me and Kai. The usually so cheerful Jase was sad, but he wanted to hide it. I could see that he tried very hard, but I could also see that he knew that he couldn't hide it from me. We talked a bit about it and then I just watched him. Just sitting there without talking would normally be quite awkward, but not with him.
Then it was time to leave. Before I left Kai told me that they still wanted to go to the event with us. I didn't mind like aways but I was worried. He saw it and ensure me that it wasn't a big deal.

Somehow Macy and Lesh already know that it wouldn't be canceled before I told them. Macy said that Lesh told her and that Kai told her. At that time we made fun of Lesh.
'He seems to took a liking on you.', joked Macy.
'No, he didn't we just write form time to time.', said Lesh.
We all started to laugh.

At the event it started awkwardly since they didn't talked much to each other and I had to be the 'bridge' again. But after a while it loosened. There was karaoke and I love to sing thus we stayed there and sang. Well, most of the time I sang since the others were to shy :P
Around 10pm Kai drove us home and yeah, there it started.

Chapter 5

The first stop was Lesh house. Kai drove to her door and he and I got out. Macy was so tired that she already was asleep and since I didn't want to wake her, we let her sleep in the car and Jase just sat in the car too. I hugged Lesh and wished her a good night when Kai asked her if he should help her getting her things inside even though it wad just a bag. I was a bit irretated but didn't mind it. He was always a gentleman around girls who were me. I wss the only one who he would rather tease than help but that's the adittude I kinda love. It was more carefree and had more of a family feeling.
Well in the end she didn't take his offer and we drove next to Macy's house. In front of her house I woke her up: "Hey Macy, wake up. You're home."
She slowly opened her eyes and got out half asleep. But this time I was the only one who got out. Both Jase and Kai were sitting in the car and waiting for me to get in again, so that they can drove me home and went home themsleves. I also hugged Macy and got back into the car. Kai immediately started the engine and got on the road.
All the way home I had a strange feeling. It was like something poked my heart. It poked and poked as if it wanted to tell me something but I didn't understand what it wanted from me...
I tried to listened to the things Jase said, since my friends weren't on the car anymore he was more lively but I couldn't concentrate one his words at all. I just nodded and said words like 'yeah' and 'of course' from time to time.
Then we arrived at my home. I thank them especially Kai and got into the house.
In my room I threw my bag into a corner and brushed my teeth. My parents stil weren't at home that was why I went into my room and searched for my diary while brushing teeth. If they would see me doing that, they would definitely yell at me. After a while I found the diary and put it on my table before I went back intp the bathroom and finished brushing teeth. I quickly changed into my pyjama and sat down before my table where I searched for a good pen and started to write:


Dear diary,
I know it's been a while but I didn't had much time to write you.
Today I definitely need to write down this strange feeling I had. Jase, Kai, Macy, Lesh and me went to an event and on the way back home I had a strange feeling. It was like something poked my heart and that something wanted to tell me something. Something important... I don't know what it was but doubt that's something good...
Love Riley


I was sleepy and closed my diary and put it back into its hiding place.
Then I feel on my bed and a second later I was asleep.

Back then I didn't know what that feeling wanted to tell me and I think I was too naive and too much of a child to see the seriousness of this feeling. But soon enough I am going to regret it...

Chapter 6

It was a restless night. Even though I slept I had a troubled sleep. The feeling didn't let off my heart and gave me the strange thought that something was wrong. Something I should realize in order to protect myself. But I had no idea what it was.
Suddeny I was in a room of emptiness. I was all alone in the dark when a voice muttered something: "Wake up Riley. See the truth. You can't shut your heart from the truth."
I had no idea what it meant and yelled: "What?! What should I see?!"
But the voice didn't answer anymore and instead I felt a presence of something bad. Because of the dark I couldn't see anything but that thing was overwhelming. Suddenly the air got thin. It was as if the air was sucked away and I started to breathe quickly and deeply. The there was no air and my head got fuzzy. I was scared. I was going to die!!!
Then I woke up all sweaty. It was just a dream but it felt so real. After my breath was normal again I looked at the clock. 6am. There were at least three hours till my parents were going to stand up and I was still sleepy but too scared to close my eyes again. If I closed my eyes, I would be surround by darkness again. So I decided to stay awake. My thoughts turned back to the dream of mine.
What did it meant? What was the truth I didn't see? And was it really that important? What did the voice said? It said that I should figure it out in order to protect myself?
Then while I thought about it I heard a small sound from my bag. I realized that it was the vibration signal of my mobile phone and took it out. The display showed the name 'Kai'. Immediately I answered to call: "Morning, Kai. What's up? It's still early and you're already?"
"Well, it's eight but okay..."
I looked to the clock. It really was eight already. I didn't noticed how time passed while I was thinking.
"Well, you see, next week your holidays start and I thought that maybe you want to come to celebrate a bit?"
"I really want but hey, you still have to go to school and so on and I am broke from a while."
He sounded disappointed. "Okay, then ciao."
"Ciao."
Then he hung up and I looked irretated at the mobile phone in my hand for while.
"What the hell was wrong with him?! Of course our relationship got better but not that good, didn't it?"
Then it made click in my head! I suddenly understand what the voice wanted to tell me and I slumped to the ground.

Chapter 7

The incidents of the day before and the behavoir of both of them were clearly in my mind. I had no idea how I could have not seen something that obvious. I was an total idiot.
After a while on the ground I realized how stupid I was. It didn't matter, did it? If I just pretend that I had no idea nothing had to change. We could be still friends and Kai and my relationship didn't need to change too. And they didn't seem to want me to know.
Well, that was my excuse. To be honest I still hoped that it wasn't real or more like that it was just my imagination. On the one hand I somehow felt betrayed but on the other hand I felt nothing since I didn't want to see it.
My best friend Lesh and my cousin Kai in a relationship? It couldn't be, could it? My best friend wouldn't break the unspoken promise between friends, would she?
Well, it could be that only he had a crush on her and she had nothing to do with it, but after figuring it out, it seemed obvious. If he really had a crush on her, she would notice it. And as my best friend she would definitely tell me about it, wouldn't she? Even if she felt the same the same would tell me, because of the unspoken promise of a girls friendship. It was the same if I suddenly have fallen in love with her ex-boyfriend, I would have had told her, because normally a relationship with the former boyfriend of your best friend was a no go and so with a family member of your best friend...

I didn't know why, but my eyes suddenly filled with tears. There I was, sitting on the floor of my room crying quietly on my own. At that very moment I just wanted someone to comfort me but how could someone comfort me if I had no I myself didn’t know what made me feel like that. It was like something important was snatched away from me. The fundament which made my life stable was smashed.
I always hated when something change and I never wanted to think about the future. Never wanted to know what would happen to my relationship with the family if we grew up. But it never was necessary, because lots of them already got a girlfriend or boyfriend once or twice and it I always got along with them, but this time was different. This time it was my friend! If my intuition was true then it meant that she betrayed me. That our friendship would be over…

The more I thought about it the more unsecure I became but a part of me also thought that my worries were ungrounded. So I just hoped for the best and banished my doubts in the very corner of my brain.

Chapter 8

After brushing my teeth I grabbed the book I started to read around a month ago. But I just couldn't concentrate on the words at all. My mind was full them and I was just so confused.
At that time I really wished for a friend. A friend I could tell anything and who would understand me. It wasn't like I was a total looser and had no friends. Just that I had no real friend who I could talk to in moments like that. Maybe because I would rather suffer on my own then telling someone who might not understand me. When it came to my deepest feelings it always had been hard to gain my trust. But at that very moment I just felt so lonely and confused that I needed someone...
I sat down on my bed and closed my eyes again. Then I thought: "It won't make any difference if I stay like this. If it's a fact, I can't change it anymore."
With this I jumped on my feet and put a smile on. I went down into the kitchen where my mother was already making breakfast.
"Morning Mom, can I help with anything?"
"Morning sweetheart. Well, you can turn on the heater. It's quite cold for October."
She shook her head in unbelievable. So I went into the living-room and turned the heater on.
My father was already sitting in front of the television and searched something interesting to watch, thus I sat down beside him and greeted him: "Morning dad."
His head turned my way and he gave me a smile. "Morning Riley."
We were sitting on the couch and said nothing. I was sure that you changed the channel about a hundred times but my father didn't seem to find something that suited his taste. I was about to snatched the remote as my mother called us for breakfast.
I jumped on my feet and dashed into the kitchen. Since I got up to early I was really hungry and mom's eggs sunny side up and bacon were just the best.

After the breakfast I helped my mother washing the dishes and then went back into my room which was a big mistake of mine. Right after entering my room the thoughts I forgot for a while came back.
I sighed and turned my computer on. Maybe a little chat or a game with my friends would make me get other thoughts.


At that moment I didn't know the situation could get worse and how more confuse my feelings could get.

Chapter 9

First my messenger was turned on and I looked at the people who were online. Hawk was one of them. I suddenly remembered that I still had to send him the homework we did together, so I wrote him.

Me: Hey, I totally forgot that I had to send you the homework. Sorry :P
Hawk: No problem ;) It's not a big deal, we still have some time before we have to hand it in :)
Me: Yeah, but still sorry. I totally forgot. :/
Hawk: That's so like you :D
Me: Hey!! That's not true. You are the one who's always forgetting things ;) :P
Hawk: Hahaha, I think you're right :D
Me: You're getting old Hawk xD
Hawk: Well, I AM older than you ;)
Me: That's true :) but don't you dare to die early xD I would miss you :O
Hawk: Don't pretend as if you really would :P
Me: I would ;) If you were dead who (except for Jase) would call me at 6pm and tell me to celebrate with him even though it would take more than two hours to get to you xD
Hawk: I would :D
Me: You see ;)
Hawk: Well, it's still early. I am going to call you at 6pm and ask you, 'k? xD
Me: Hahaha, of course. I will come. It not like I had anything to do and of course I love to take the evening train alone :P
Hawk: Okay, then I'll see you tonight :D
Me: Sure ;) Hell no! xD
Hawk: Aww, what a pity :P
Me: :P but hey hawk, thanks ;)
Hawk: I am not sure for what, but you're welcome ^^
Me: For playing and joking around with me ;) talking nonsense was what I needed :D thanks :)
Hawk: ^^ you're welcome
Me: ^-^
Hawk: Well, I have to got to work. Talk to you later ;)
M: 'Kay, bye :)
Hawk: Bye :P

I looked the green signal besides his name turn white and shut down our chat window.

Chapter 10

I felt relieved and much better after chatting with Hawk. That was what I needed to get my thoughts away.

Days after days passed and the autum holiday started. I finally found the time to send Hawk his homework which I helped him with and also the unsecure feeling of mine vanished after not seeing Kai and Lesh together. To be honest I haven't even talked to them, I spent most the time in front of my desk and learned for the exam season which should start right after the holidays. So I was quite busy with reviewing my stuffs and had no time to waste on unnecessary thoughts. And so the holidays ended without anything special happening.

Thank god the first day back in school wouldn't be anything special, since the teachers still weren't in the mood to do much. The second day we would go on a trip, so I still haven't seen Macy and Lesh, since both of them weren't in the same class as me.
On the one hand I kinda missed them especially Macy but to be honest on the other hand I was happy that I wasn't able to meet them. Since I had no idea how I would react if there were evidences for my suspects or if she told me the truth.
I told myself that I would except it as long as they told me by themselves. Well, I would except it if Lesh told me. If Kai explained it to me, Lesh's and mine friendship would be over, but I would forgive her. At least that was what I told myself, but I kinda knew that I couldn't forgive her either way.
But even though that hatred was eating me up, I couldn't tell Kai how I felt. I have known him my whole life and to be honest I should have been prepared for that kind of situation to happen. Well, I was, but I never thought it would be someone that close to me. I always that we were not meant to be together forever. We were going be family for the rest of our life, but someday he would have his own little family and they would come first. By that time I would be just his cousin, nothing more, nothing less.

Chapter 11

The week passed and the day came where I had to see them again. The day was a Monday. The longest school day on my timetable. I had lessons from 8am to 6pm.
When I woke up I wanted to fall asleep again. Just the thought of the day made me feel tired. But then I heard my mother calling me: "Riley! Come on and wake up. You have to get ready or else you will be late for school."
I ignored it and hid under the blanket. After a while I heard steps approaching my door. The sound that the steps made told me that it was my father. He opened the door and sat down at the end of my bed.
"What's the matter, sweetie?"
I stayed under the blanket but answered: "I am just tired."
"I know that's not it. You've been strange quite a time. I thought it was something trivial which passes quickly. But it doesn't seem like this..." He paused and searched for the right words but then he just said: "We are always here for you. If you need to talk or anything else, just come to us."
With these words he stood up and left the room. When I was sure that he wouldn't come back I came out from under the blanket. I couldn't stop the tears to flow. I never wanted my parents to worry, but that behavior was what made they worry. I just realized what a miserable daughter I was. The whole time I thought about not telling Kai how I felt, so he wouldn't be hurt or something else, but I never thought about my parents who would be worried if I isolated myself and acted less cheerful. I was most miserable daughter!
I jumped on my feet and ran into the bathroom where I looked into the mirror. The me in there looked horrible. I couldn't recognized me anymore. How could I let myself become like that? I was emotionally broken. But I told myself that that would end!

It was totally naive from me to think like that. Because the trouble just started...

Chapter 12

I got dressed and brushed my teeth. By the time I was in the kitchen the school bus was already gone and my father told me that he would drive me to school.

At the school Caroline came and hugged me.
"Morning, Riley! Why weren't you in the bus?", she asked worried.
"I kinda overslept and thus my father had to drive me", I said and tried to sound happy, but even though we didn't know each other that long, she knew that something was wrong.
In concern she asked: "You okay? You know that you can tell me anything, don't you?"
I gave her a small smile and told her that I knew, but I still wasn't ready to talk about it and since I wanted to forget, I would try to not think about it.
I really wanted to forget. But was it possible when I had to see her? It was a question which would remain unsolved till I met them.
“Riley. Riley! Riley!”, Caroline yelled. I startled.
“Damn, Riley… you are definitely not alright. C’mon you can tell me anything”, she tried to convince me. To which I sighed and surrendered.
“You know that Macy, Lesh and I went to my cousins, don’t you?” She nodded. “Well, after that we also went to an event together and it seemed like a lot happened. I never realized how they thought about each other. I mean Lesh and Kai, you know? They seem to have something.” I couldn’t hold up my voice anymore. My eyes filled with tears and thus Care hugged me tight.
“Ssshh, everything is going to be alright. Kai wouldn’t do that and the same goes for Lesh. It’s a unwritten promise between friends that you wouldn’t touch a family member of your friend.”
I really wanted to believe her, but my heart didn’t let me overlook the truth.
The bell rang and I tried to smile at her. “Thanks, but you don’t have to console me. I know that you care about me and I really I appreciate it. You’re a great friend, a better friend than she ever could be, but I will have to cope with it either way. Let’s go or else we’ll be late.”
Even though Care still looked concerned she nodded and we went to class while I thought: “That’s just the beginning. I still haven’t seen them. How will it be if I see her or him? And what if everything becomes official? But I can’t worry the people who care about me. Not because of a person who should have rather not met. I won’t let her break me!”

Chapter 13

 

 

 

 

The first two lessons passed and the whole day I felt the presence of Care’s glance. She sat right beside me and even though I tried to concentrate on the thing the teacher was talking about, I felt her eyes on me. Whenever she thought I would see it, she would turn her head lightly in my direction.

The bell rang to the end of the third lesson. I sighed and turned round to face Caroline.

“Care, I’m okay. Really. I won’t suddenly start crying or anything. I…” I tried to explain myself to her, but she shook her head.

“You’re not okay at all. Nobody would be. Just be honest with yourself. It’s not a shame to feel like this. The one that should be ashamed about this whole situation should be Lesh. I mean, really?! She hit on your cousin. It’s the same as if she would hit on the brother of Macy. The family member of a friend is a no go!” Her voice got from consoling to furious.

I knew that she was really worried about me and I really appreciated it. Really! I had many friends and some were my friends for years, but none of them seemed to understand me as Caroline did. Even though we just knew each other for less than half a year, it was like having a sister. We were meant to become friends.

I tried to give a little smile, but instead of calming her, it made her even more furious.

“Damn it Riley! You don’t have to keep smiling!” Then she edited a bit softer: “It’s okay not to smile if you don’t feel like it.”

My smile faded away and fight against the urge to cry.  I was a total crybaby… But tears didn’t have to flow. Care knew how I felt and hugged me. She held me really tight.

 

The next lessons passed and didn’t push myself to smile. Not having to smile calmed me, because having to smile while I was about to break down needed the very last energy I saved.

I didn’t talk much the whole day and nearly forgot the whole things, since Care tried really hard to distract me.

Without think and out of the habit I went into the common room for high school students who had no course and saw them sitting there. Macy and Lesh. Both of them were sitting in front of their laptop and watched a movie.

I took a deep breath and greeted both of them with a smile which made Care glare at me, but she didn’t say a word and sat down in the other end of the room.

“Hey Macy, hey Lesh.”

Their heads turned my way and they greeted me as well: “Hey Riley.”

“You’re cousin is amazing!”, said Macy which made me irritated.

“Ehm… okay, yeah… I think so. But why do you suddenly come up with this?”

“He borrowed Lesh DVDs.”

“What DVDs?”

“Not sure. But they seem quite interesting. Some Animes and some movies.”

Then I knew what DVDs she meant. It was the ones I begged him for. The ones that I always wanted to watch, but which he didn’t want to lend me. Those DVDs were lent to Lesh at the very moment. I saw my chance and asked: “Hey Lesh, mind borrowing them to me if you’re finished?”

I expected anything, but I didn’t expect that! She looked at me, something in her look was sneaky and she answered: “No, I can’t.” Then she turned back to the movie.

It felt like she slapped me right into my face. Macy who looked at me had a strange smile on her face which said: “I also have no idea. Just ignore it.”

 

 

That was the time I learned that nothing what is alive will last forever. Nothing you seemed to trust is really trustworthy.  Nothing is what it seems to be.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 11.01.2013

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