Red String of Lost Love

Chapter 1: Return to First Love

 

 

"RETURN TO FIRST LOVE"

 

Eyebrow, check! Hair and makeup check! Alright everything is good; I am ready to go and this time for sure...

 

Every day I am living making sure that people will see me as perfect, from my appearance to how well I do my job; I see to it that there will be no flaws at all. I can say that each day my world is fulfilling... until today.

 

Good morning everyone, there will be a meeting tomorrow and make sure you are all done with your reports and assignments by tomorrow.

 

Yes, Ms.Lian...Who does she think she is? She might be good with her job but please, does she even hear the word consideration? I am not surprise that at she is still single no man would dare to be with her!

 

(Chatting, background noise)

 

Hi, everyone please listen I would like to introduce Mr. Zack Stanley. He was assigned here from the main office and he will be working with us from now on. (Whispering noise) He was just transferred here from our main office. Ladies I know that you are all excited but please be easy with him.

 

No way...of all people why him? Is fate playing games with me?!

 

People will have one thing that they would want and do everything to forget, in my case, it’s him. 

 

Almost ten years has passed but I can still vividly remember all things that have to do with him. It’s not like he has done me or my family wrong, even I can’t understand why he made a big impact on my life.

 

However thinking how I am in my past I guess it does make sense why I can’t forget him. I mean, he is the main reason of what I have become now.

 

During my college days, I am one of those you called nobody. I’m the type that you will forget after the semester end. I would spend my days studying and doing lackey job for everyone. But please don’t misunderstood, at that time I am fulfilled doing those things, I am content and it’s not like I want to be popular or something at that time. That is why considering my attitude towards life I can't believe that me as well, will experience the taste of love at first sight.

 

 As an art and advertising major student, I would always visit different historical places, read books and literature to help me visualize and think of a motif for my next project. That is why my favorite place in school is the library, but that is not only the reason.

 

 In the library I can always see a boy sitting in the corner of the room beside the window reading a book. Looking at him it always seems that the time has stopped both my time and the people around him. He gave out an intimidating yet gentle and sad aura, which made me at that time unable to look away from him. Like a stalker, my eyes would follows him whenever I see him at school and I would wait until he finish what he was reading just so that I can borrow that same book. It was also because of that I learned what his name was.

 

Zack...Stanley... So this is his full name... and what is the title of this book? Interpreting the art of Da Vinci? Now that is unusual is he also interested in art? I hope so since I am from the art department (giggles).

 

I want to know everything about him, that is why I would always borrow the same books that he will read in order to know his type and at least even if it is only on the log book, our names will be next to each other.

 

Remembering my past self I want to jump now out of this building I can’t believe how naive I was and to think that it is a part of my college days not elementary!

 

They all say that everyone would dream about being with your soul mate for the rest of your life and at that time I was really happy at the thought of experiencing first love for the first time.

 

Ms. Lian Kim? Are you listening? Don’t tell me even you has fall in love at first sight with our Mr. Zack here (laughs hard)

 

He stretch out his hand to me waiting for me reach out, honestly I don't know what to feel at this point.

 

But it does seem like that he doesn't remember me...

 

It’s a pleasure to meet you Ms. Kim (smiled)

 

(Reluctant) Nice to meet you as well Mr. Stanley 

 

I can’t believe him! To think that all these years he is the source of my frustration is it really that easy to forget me? This might be nothing for him but I did confess to him before; yes! I did confess to him and allowed myself to follow his every whim at that time.

 

Ten years ago I have done something that would make me regret the rest of my life. My desire to be with him has reached the point that just knowing his name and seeing him is not enough. So when he first talks to me, I was not able to control myself and confess to him at first meet.

 

How can I reach that book? It's too high… maybe I should try to jump!

 

Should I help? (His hands reach out the book)

 

No way... am I dreaming?

 

Let’s see... Interpreting the Art of Da Vinci, is this the one you are looking for?

 

At that time I can’t believe what is happening and was really panicking. Should I thank him and introduce myself first? Won't he find me disgusting because of how I look at him and surely my voice will tremble. My head is spinning and I can’t think properly.

 

My desire just suddenly voices itself out...

 

Miss?

 

I...I Like you… please... go out with me.

 

He did not response for a quite bit of time that’s why I tried to look up and see how his reaction was. He blankly stared at my face and then suddenly burst in laughter.

 

Pffft… hahaha ...I can’t believe this, a confession coming from the first meet?

 

I was so ashamed of myself; I can’t believe that the first word that comes out of my mouth when he speaks with me is a confession.

 

But since this looks interesting, sure I’ll go out with you. So what is your name?

 

Li... I am Anne Li Kim!

 

So it’s Anne, Please take care of me...Anne (smiled back)

 

His voice is deep and warm, even though he laughs at my confession and just find these interesting, he might even considered going out with me as a way to ease his boredom, but still my heart was filled with joy because I will have the chance to stay with him.

 

I don't care if he was just making fun of me or doesn't feel the same way I do, these things are none of importance for me at very least are my thoughts that time.

 

I can't believe this... I can be with him... is this really happening?

 

But honestly thinking about it now, I don't know if that was the start of my dreams coming true or a nightmare...

 

What took you so long?

 

Zack I am sorry the line is too long and they no longer have that thing that you want me to buy for you...

 

Anyway, after school I want you to come with me we are going to have another drinking party.

 

Zack would always ask me to do his assignments or buy something for him or his friends. I become known as his number one lackey at that time but it didn't matter to me at all. I can't find the strength to disagree with his whims especially whenever he looks at me.

 

I am really weak with that handsome face of him...

 

I am really stupid, Am I really that simple to let myself be pulled around because of how I love his face?

 

Sometimes he would invite me to go with him and his friends for a drinking party only to be his personal driver whenever he got drunk. And there will be times that during his drunkenness he would vent out his frustration about his family, specifically his mother who left him alone with his father. Maybe that is why the first time I saw him my first impression of him was he looked so sad. It was during those times I felt so close to him and can't find the strength to leave him alone.

 

One time to my surprise he invited me to go with him at his house. He just suddenly held my hand and drag me out of school to go home with him. I remember being so nervous at that time thinking the reason why and how should I act while I am alone with him.

 

Anne, go to my room and make yourself comfortable. I'll just get us something to eat (sound of the door closing)

 

Like a child I followed his instructions and patiently wait for him inside his room. I looked around and was so amazed with how messy his room was. The room is well ventilated and there are several pictures of taken by him displayed around. There are books everywhere, his room was big but looked small because of arrangement of the furniture and this big bed of his.

 

Wow, I can't believe I am now inside his room, am I dreaming? (Pinch herself) It hurts! I don't think I am dreaming (giggles)

 

His bed... (look intensely) No... Don’t even dare to try it ... he is just step away!

 

Who in the world would never think of lying on your crush's bed if you see one?! That's why even if I am so afraid of being seen, I can't fight the urge to jump and lie on his bed.

 

Pfft.. What the hell are you doing with my bed? You are really my stalker. (Laughs hard)

 

I am sorry, it’s just... (Please let me disappear)

 

Anyway, come here closer Anne.

 

Zack pulled my hand and slowly touch my face. He looks at my eyes and at that time his face looks so serious making me think; who is this man I am with now? I was so confused on what is happening so I turned my face away from him as he get closer.

 

Zack, I am sorry but I still have something to do, I will go first!

 

Before I can even stand, Zack pulled me and pinned me down on the bed. Without even the time to react he kissed me, not letting me to fight back as he held me. I can't move at all because my hands are being held tightly by him, for the first time I believed the saying that a man's strength cannot be compared to a woman. I can feel his hands trying to remove my clothes and his kisses getting deeper.

 

Wait... Zack...please...stop!

 

It was my first kiss and a deep one to boot! I was so scared that I can't breathe because of the sudden turn of events that all I can do is cry.

 

(Chuckles) Why are you crying? You.... brawling and crying all of the sudden are you trying to make me looked like a rapist?

 

You! Who would not cry by this kind of thing... you suddenly..ki..Kissed me and even try to remove my clo...clothes this is what you called rape... stupid! And it’s not like you are in love with me so why are you doing this? Are you frustrated or just insane?! It's even my first kiss, even if it's you I just can't agree with this...

 

After shouting at him I started crying again. Like a lost child, all I can do is cry.

 

Zack just stared at me then gently pat my head while wiping my tears...

 

Stop crying...even I will start to panic if I see you cry! 

 

(Gently smiled) Maybe I am really insane I can't help it I want to touch you so much right now that I can't stop Anne. Reject me seriously if you hate this…

 

 

 At that point he kissed me again. My heart can't just find a way to reject him, I am helplessly so into him. I am afraid of myself because I know that after this I will be completely be hopeless without him. His kiss this time was gentler than I expected but I can't still find the timing to catch my breath.

 

On each place where he touches me I can feel this heat and sensation that I don't think I'll ever forget; I tried to hold my voice back but he would tease me by saying that he wants to hear my sweet voice drunk with pleasure. My mind went completely blank; all I can remember was his gentle voice calling my pseudonym "Anne", repeatedly...

 

Her Memories...

(Sound of the alarm clock)

 

Hmmm... (Hands trying to wipe her eyes)

 

What are these... tears? Why did I dream of that time...why after all this time! (Started crying)

 

It's been ten years and I still keep on asking myself, why do I still remember the things of my past that should have been long forgotten?! I don't want to believe that I'm still not over him after all these years. But it seems that somebody is playing with my life. Here I am trying to get over my past, while him on the other hand... Not only did he out of the blue returned to ruin things I've struggled to achieved, telling me that he can't remember me! I know that I should stop being affected and concern with him.

 

So like a broken recording I have to keep on reminding myself that the past me has long gone...

 

Maybe it's a good thing that he can't remember me, I can go to work like nothing happens. But did I really change that much from the previous me? Although It doesn't matter anymore, still it pissed me off that he forgotten me that easy!

 

The next day I asked one of my colleagues to boycott the upcoming meeting and leave him several reports and assignments undone.

 

(Sound of the door closing) Mr. Zack did you stay all night just to finish all of this? I hope that the work is not too hard for you (smiled sarcastically)

 

No... Not at all the previous data that I was able to check from the company record files helped me finish the work easily done what I thought.

 

But I thank you for the concern Ms. Kim, although next time I would appreciate if I will be notified immediately of such things like cancelled meeting...( smiled back sarcastically)

 

I can't believe it! Every work that is being assigned to him he does it perfectly as if he has been working with the company for more than ten years, longer than me. And what is more frustrating is he has this eyes that laugh at me every time I tried to act cold with him, as if he can see through my actions and words. Me, on the other hand did everything to discover his weakness, only to find out being disappointed by myself for thinking how cool he was.

 

There will be times that I would stare blankly at his serious face while working, mesmerized on how handsome he became more these past ten years. I really hate myself being weak against that face of his since the first time I saw him. One can say that ghost will linger if there's still regret. Every time I see him I would return to my past, an old self that should have been long gone before.

 

Alright guys we will have a welcome party for Mr. Zack here everyone should attend, especially you...Ms. Kim! Don’t run away this time.

 

Please... I am not in the mood to go partying with him!

 

That's what my heart screams if only I can say that to his face! The party went on until midnight, everyone was so excited to know if Zack is still single or what are his types of girl. As usual he was able to avoid those questions in a smooth way. The whole time he keeps on looking back at me making me uncomfortable, I don't know what he means by this.

 

I should have run away while I can still, now what am I supposed to do with this drunk... (Sigh)

 

On his drunken state, this man suddenly holds my hand tight and declared to all that he will drive me back home. But by the time that everyone was gone he just suddenly dropped dead on me.

 

What was he thinking? (Staring at his face) He did not change at all...but I am surprised that he no longer throws tantrums about his mother unlike before... I guess he was able to get over with his past... unlike me

 

 Ten years ago, the past that I kept on trying to forget happened the day after we spent our first night together. I can still vividly remembers how painful it was for me when I heard those words that came directly from the first man I fell in love. It was too painful that these past years, I was able to forget his face and voice but not those words that keep on repeating even in my dreams.

 

The day after that fateful night I was so ashamed to see him after what happened so I did not go to the library that morning like what we have agreed on. Instead, I hurriedly went to the classroom making sure he is not around. After the lesson I went to the student’s office where all the representatives are going to have a meeting regarding the upcoming seniors ball night. To my surprise Zack was already inside talking to our president, Angelo Sy, who was also at that time one of the most popular guy in our school. I was about to turn around and go back when I suddenly heard my name;

 

Anne Li Kim! That her name right, the girl who was with you every time?

 

Yes... that is right why are you asking?

 

So what are you seriously thinking of going out with her? How do you feel about her? I am just curious since this is the first I've seen you together with a girl for such a long time (teasing him)

 

At that time I know that I shouldn't eavesdrop, but I want to hear what he really feels about me so even If I am so scared of what would be his answer, I decided to stay and listen.

 

Sigh...It wasn’t like what I thought...

 

My body went completely numb. I understand from the start that I am nothing for him but to hear it directly from him I didn't expect it will hurt this much. I can feel that something inside of me fall apart...All I can remember at that time was me running like a madman while those words keep repeating on my head, I don't know how did I go back in that state, one thing is for sure something inside me has died after hearing his words.

 

I was so traumatized at that time that my parents decided to have me study abroad because they taught that I was being bullied. Without telling anyone I withdraw from the school and leave the country to study and live abroad. There I spend my days crying until one day I was able to get my grip and decided to change myself for better. I asked my parents to let me attend different personality development seminars and fashion schools to help me became a new person. The past me who would not even care to look at the mirror tend myself like an artist that needs everyday skincare and grooming. I struggled my way to change myself but to my wits end, why do I feel that I’m being drawn to him again after all these years!?

His Memories...

Sigh... Not again... What does she wants?

 

I can always see her staring at me. Although I am used on being followed around, such thing will still make someone uncomfortable. There are even times that I caught her hiding as I walked through the hallway and if I tried to look back she would either run or hide behind. 

 

Sometimes I would borrow the books that I already read and then would noticed that on the log book someone has been borrowing and reading it the next day I returned it. I have a hunch that it was her who borrowed those books which made me more curious about her and find it interesting.

 It didn't take that long for me to know the reason why she always stares and follow me;

 

How can I reach that book? It's too high… maybe I should try to jump

 

Should I help?

 

(His hands reach out the book)

 

Let's see... (Looked at the title of the book) Interpreting the Art of Da Vinci, is this the one you are looking for?

 

Miss?

 

I...I Like you...please... go out with me!

 

The very first time I tried to speak with her, at my surprise she confessed and asked me to go out with her.

 

Pffft... hahaha ...I can’t believe this, a confession coming from the first meet? But since this looks interesting, sure I’ll go out with you. So what is your name?

 

Li... I am Anne Li Kim!

 

So it’s Anne, Please take care of me...Anne (smiled back)

 

At first I find it interesting and a way to ease my boredom so I agreed and go out with her. I would ask her to buy things and treated her like my own personal maid. Each time I find it enjoyable to see her reaction whenever I speak to her or invite her to go with me. I don't know how to explain this but she makes me feel at ease each time I am with her and whenever I see her honest affection towards me.

 

(Raining heavily)

 

Just my luck! (Looking outside the window)I don't have my umbrella with me and I don't think that the rain will stop anytime soon, how will I go back? Sigh... I guess I'll just run and let myself get wet.

 

(Heard footsteps) Zack! (Catching her breath) good thing you haven't left...here I got you an umbrella! I was already home when the rain suddenly pours down and I remembered that you are still on the library so I went back.

 

I'll go home now take care! (Hurriedly run outside)

 

Wait Anne! What the...

 

She hurriedly went back after giving me her umbrella, I called out to her because I noticed that she only brought one umbrella so what about her? How would she go home? The next day I heard that she was absent and down with flu. She was really an idiot; that's what I thought of her.

 

I am always surrounded by fake people who just want to be on the good side with me because of my family background. Even my own mother who I love most suddenly disappeared on me and left me with my father who always see in me my mother who left him for another man. I become numb with these people to the point I almost give up trusting and believing on someone. Her appearance is something that I didn't expect would turn my world upside down. I can't believe myself being used in being with her that sometimes I don't know if it was just due to my drunkenness I would vent out my frustration about my mother who left me. I thought that she will give me sugar coat words but instead she cried and brawl like a child on me.

 

Hey why are you the one who is crying? It's not like I want you to feel pity on me!

 

No... It’s not like that I... I'm so happy that you are telling me this things that I can't help but to cry...I am sorry if I can't say any comforting words to you but I can't think of any word I can say to ease your pain, that is why all I can do is to cry for you since you won't cry in front of me. (Start crying again)

 

Her honesty did save me at that time. I can't believe it at first but I can feel something inside of me is changing. Before it was her who keeps on looking at me but now like a stalker I would always look for her and find myself staring at her. Her smile, voice and her eyes that look back at me I find it all beautiful. It didn't surprise me to finally realize that me as well, slowly but surely I too have fell in love with her...

 

(Chatting noise)

 

Anne! (Hold her hand tightly)

 

Zack? What is it? Why are you calling out for me? (Look so confused)

 

(Stared at her intensely) I want you to come to my place now!

Puzzle Piece Found...

Not knowing where does he lives, I have no other choice but to bring him back home. Although I'm reluctant at first It's not like I have a choice right? Memories of my past self-came back as if it was just yesterday, his smile, voice, his eyes looking at me and the happiness I felt when he let me see the weak side of him that he won’t show in front of others, it’s all coming back to me.

 

Time has passed us by but why am still stuck at my past with him ten years ago. Looking at him right now it only makes me realized how unfruitful for me to continue on being affected by him. I guess it’s really time for me to move forward and stopped being stuck on my memories of him.

 

Just let me have this one last kiss…

 

What's taking you so long?

 

No way... (surprised upon seeing him awaked)

 

If you are going to kiss me, do it now! I still have so many things that I want to ask you… ANNE.

 

Without a second thought my body moves on its own finding a way to escape. I know for sure that this time if I let him again into my life, only to be hurt and be disappointed with myself again, I won’t be able to cope with the pain for the second time. But Zack was able to see through me, he immediately reached for my hands not letting me escape from him.

 

As I thought you are really Anne, I don’t want to believe it at first but seeing how you reacted I can’t be mistaken. Did you know how long I’ve been searching for you? You just suddenly disappear on me after what happened to us and for worst like a crazy man I’ve been searching for a woman by the name of Anne li Kim who never existed! You!…why do you always...

 

I thought that he was going to hit me but instead he hugged me so tight, I can barely breathe. I tried to escape from his arms and then he, like a desperate man, kissed me.

 

Wait… Zack… Please stop doing this! Being hurt once is enough..please...just help me get over you (Start crying)

 

I can’t do that…Anne what made you think that? Don't cry haven't I said before that I hate seeing you cry...tell me what happened why did you leave?

 

Asking me why…who would want to hear from the person you love most that you are such a disappointment for him!

 

What? Where the hell did you get that idea? (confused)

 

I heard you at that time, you and Angelo are talking about me and when he asked you on how you feel about me you told him that It wasn't like you expected!

 

At that time? Wait if I remembered at that time we...

 

Tsk !(click tongue)

 

Are you stupid if you are going to eavesdropped make sure that you finish listening until the end! I can't believe for such simple misunderstanding...

 

you want to know what I said at that time? How do I really feel about you? Yes ! It wasn't really what I thought first, I became too serious that I even chose to stay behind when my mother asked me to come with her in New york because I don't want to leave you!

 

 

 

Like a puzzle piece found everything has been cleared and yet I can't find the strenght to go back with him and confidently say that we can start all over again.

 

Zack there's no point of talking about this things now, we have both move on and have each other life to live with... so please stop doing this...

 

Ten years did past already between us and we are both adults now so we can't just simply take things like "relationship" easy. I know that Zack thinks the same as well. It's not easy to fill in the gaps of ten years. I was ready to end things between me and him but to my surprise he hugged me again and then utter these words;

 

You are the only one who has been able to move on from the past...not after you caught me and made me into someone who can never see other than you!

 

I never give up the thought of seeing you again and I am confident that if that's what you think then I just need to make the you now... Lian Kim... to fall in love with me! And by the time I made you say that you love me again, I won't let you escape this time!

I have this premonition that for the coming days I might be forced to return back to my first love...

Chapter 2 : From the beginning

I don't know how we end the conversation last night, everything happened so fast that I don't have the time to think of what should I do and how to face him from now on. This might sound a joke but this is the first time that I've been confessed and I don't know how to react given as well that the confession came from the man I wish to hear those words from ten years ago.

 

How dare him to say that he's confident that he can make me say that I love him again!

 

I still believe that it's really not easy to fill in the ten years gap and we are both adults now so we can't just simply take things like "going out again" as a simple matter.But to my surprise he on the other hand acts as if nothing happens. Why am I the one who's being conscious around him? His confidence pisses me off!

 

(sharp pain) Ouch! my head hurts...

 

You look pale miss Lian are you okay?

 

Yes, thank you for the concern.

 

I've been working non-stop these days since I don't want to think of him, I guess the stress has piled up and is taking toll on me now. Which is why right now, I am not surprised when I woke up and find myself lying in bed feeling sick and unable to stand. However although my head is still foggy, I am sure that this is not my room. I feel so tired and my head is hurting so much, so I don't have the strength to remember what happened and felt my consciousness fading again.

 

(somebody gently caressing her head)

 

Hmm...this feels good (smiled)

 

I remember this feeling that I haven't felt recently, this warm and gentle feeling that I thought was already long forgotten by me.

 

I see...this feels like his hands holding my hand and caressing my head ten years ago when I become sick and down with flu the day after the stormy night I ran back to get him an umbrella.

 

(Ten years ago)

 

(door bell rings)

 

(lying on the bed) hmmm...who is it? I'm so tired I don't want to be bothered

 

Anne, it's me open the door!

 

Zack? (immediately get-up and rushed to open the door)

 

I...I've heard that you got sick and I'm partially the cause of it so I'm here to give you this (showed her bag of groceries and medicine)

 

Here take this and let me cook for you...

 

He suddenly just let himself in and begun cooking for me, honestly at that time I don't have much strength and appetite so I haven't eaten yet.

 

 I'm sorry this was the first time that you came to visit me and yet I am making you (cough) cook for me. Please don't find me a bother for you...

 

You! (sigh) I know that you are stupid but can you please stop worrying about unnecessary things? Here take this and eat first so you can take your medicine...

 

 Back then I was so happy that he came for me even though I know that he was just doing that in return of what I've done for him. I am already content with the thought of him worrying over me. After eating I thought that he was going to leave immediately but he stayed and tend to me until my fever went down. I was so nervous with the thought of being just me and him inside my room, I remember being so restless the whole time but  I was still able to sleep thanks to my high fever.

 

(Stares at her sleeping face while caressing her head) Sigh..I can't believe this myself... to think that I have fall...

 

I don't know if it's because of my fever but I had this memory of him telling me something important. These past few days the harder I try to forget him the more I recall things of our past together ten years ago which I thought I have already forgotten the past years.

 

(Present)

 

(Rustle noise)

 Anne...wake up, I know that you are tired but you need to eat something

 

(suddenly wake up) Zack? why are you here?

 

What do you mean why I am here? this is my room, I brought you here when I heard that you fainted because of fatigue! (sigh) You haven’t change at all you are still stupid when it comes to your self, do you enjoy making someone worry for you?

 

What...who told you to do this things?…I think I am fine now so I’ll go first (get out of the bed)

 

 Alright if you insist, but let me walk you to your own room right beside mine…

 

What do you mean right beside yours?

 

I rushed outside his room and get to see a familiar scenery and my door just next to his. I can’t believe my eyes but this is reality right?

 

You… What do you think you are doing?

 

(smirks) I’ve decided to find a place near the office and got myself lucky to find this room, although the real reason why I bought it that's because  I’ve heard that you also live here.

 

No way…

 

Please take care of me from now on Ms. Lian (smiled)

 

I’ve been had, I can’t believe this man would come and start living on the same place with me. I don’t remember him being this way to me ten years ago! Every morning he would pests me in going with him to work, if not he’ll force me to have breakfast with him. And there’s no second that he keeps on saying to me to just give up and admit that I’m still in love with him!When did he become such smooth talker? But with all these crazy things that are happening right now, it still made me curious on how was he was able to tell that the I’m the same Anne who confess to him ten years ago...

Things are now connected...

I know this is out of the blue but I've been meaning to ask this for a while, said by her while looking at me which made me curious what she's going to asked me, I know that the first time we met you were not able to tell that it's the same Anne that was with you ten years ago...so how did you know it was me? she continues while waiting for what will be my response.

 

Pfftt...hahaha..I was curious what are you going to ask me with that serious face you are making right now, so you're just curious on how did I know that it's you...Anne, said by me that find her interest in knowing this funny. 

 

It's the way you looks at me and stares me blankly that must be you, thinking how cool or handsome my face was (Smiles at her), I told her while smiling, which made her blush and leave immediately. 

 

The real reason was something so simple actually , is what he thought while smiling and seeing her walk away outside the room. 

 

He then remembers the real reason on how did he noticed that she was the same " Anne" who just suddenly disappeared ten years ago; it's actually the way she looks when she give her best on doing something she wants. It was because of this that he noticed the resemblance of her to the " Anne" who just disappeared on him ten years ago. 

 

Circumstances like her attitude towards him and her reaction every time she was alone with him were have been put together by him and resulted him in one conclusion; that this person, Lian kim and Anne li kim were one and the same person only.

 

Arrgh just remembering the time when she just left me hanging and hiding the truth to me still gets on my nerve!

 

Ten years ago I received a phone call from the person I thought that I never want to see anymore but with just hearing her voice, like a child I longed to see the mother whom I once considered as my most important person in my life.

 

  My son, I know that it might be hard for you to believe me but I did want to take you with me when I left your dad, but at that time I had so many things to take care of and doesn't have the confidence to take care of you and gave you the same things your father can give you, said by her while crying over the phone. 

 

I hope that you'll forgive this selfish mother of yours, my only son, she continued while waiting for my forgiveness. 

 

Honestly if I was the same person as I was before I might not even bother to listen to her and just hung-up the phone now. It was all thanks to her, to you Anne that even if it's little by little my frozen cold heart begun to melt and find a space for forgiveness. 

 

I understand...I already forgiven you...mom, is what I said while thinking how long since then I called someone " Mom". It was by then she told me the real reason for her phone call which her plan to take me with her in New York and live there from now on together with her new husband. 

 

I don't know what will be my answer by then I haven't met you but there's one thing for sure I can't bear the thought of leaving you behind now that I know what I really feels about you. 

 

I'm sorry mom but I have someone whom I can't leave and be separated with no matter what, is what I replied to her.

 

An empty fridge and a handwritten note with some cash on top of it, were the things I always see whenever I gets home and find myself all alone. It made me realized how childish I was at that time whenever I hope for someone to be with me and thus stopped hoping for it. 

 

If it weren't for you I might be still the same person who doesn't give a shit about people and how they think of me. It was your honesty and affection that made me feel like a human again and save me from the hell I created myself because these feeling of emptiness. What I did not expect that you will disappear on me as well like what my mother did, leaving me clueless on what did I do or where I went wrong.

 

 I tried to ask other students and teachers but they didn't even know who is this Anne Li kim that I am talking about! I never gave up the though of seeing you again but as the days go past your face, voice and how you laugh are starting to vanish from my memory which made me even more scared and tremble from the thought of you having the same thing happening. 

 

But the memory of you will never fade no matter what I do these past years even if I tried several times to be mad and angry with you... I just can't do it. 

 

It was the same when I first learned that you and this Ms. Lian Kim are the same person. You don't know how much I waited to see you again. And even if your appearance and image has change, although you are saying that you have forgotten me and denying that you are still into me, I know that you are still the same person I fell in love ten years ago, and even if you have forgotten it, I'll just have to make you remember and return you back on being in love to your first love.

Let's Skip Step One

He is definitely watching me, Is what she thought as she looks behind her table and see Zack staring at her.

 

It's been a month since he move next to her room and almost live together. But both of them did not tell their past relationship and their current situation to anyone at work. They both act as if nothing has happened last time.

 

Here are the paperwork you ask me to get for you, Anne said to him and then hand him the documents he asked her to get.

 

But as she moved closer to put down the paperwork, he tightly hold her hands and then smiled at her. This made her surprise and almost dropped the documents.

 

What are you doing? she whispered to him and then tried to let go of his hand that's holding her.

 

Aren't you tired of these cat- mouse chase were doing? he told her and then grabbed her hand more tightly.

 

What do you mean? she asked her and then grab his hand to let go of her hand. Let's not talk about this here, she said while looking around if anybody noticed them and then she told him that she will go to his house later to talk about this things with him.

 

Although Zack has been relentlessly telling her that he will make her say the same words she told him ten years ago, Anne was reluctant to believe his sincerity at all.

 

I can't forget you... not when you made me this way, that's what he told her after she told him that she already forgot her feelings for him.

 

He doesn't look like he's so in love with me, it's all one sided in my part, that's what she would tell herself whenever she thinks of how he treated her on the past. And it always surprise her how much he still affects her whenever she remembers the past. I need to stop this once and for all, that's what she decided in order for both of them to stop dwelling on the past.

 

Just like what they agreed on, Anne nonchalantly went ahead and wait for him in his front door for them to discuss things between them. But when he opened the door she was so surprised to see Zack who looks like he just finished his bath with his hair still dripping with water and a towel hanging on his neck. 

 

She suddenly became aware that she was about to enter a man's room and be all alone with a man who said that he wish her to be his again.

 

I might be crazy to even think of being alone with this man is fine, is what she thought, realizing that it's impossible for her not to feel anything seeing him like this and suddenly remembers the first time he touched her.

 

  Forget what I said earlier, there's nothing to talk about us now, she told him and then avert her eyes to him.

 

She was about to leave his front door when Zack noticed her being conscious of him and then pulled her hand to let her inside his room.

 

Didn't I say that we should stop this cat and mouse chase that we've been doing? Zack said to her while pinning her on his room's door after he closed it.

 

Ouch, It Hurts Zack...stop this! I won't forgive you even if this just for a joke, I'll be mad if you do this! She shouted at him and then tried to retaliate from his hands that is holding her. What has gotten into you suddenly? she asked him and tried to calm him down in order for them to be able to talk.

 

Anne...No...Lian! I really hate it when you try to avoid that subject of us being together again and the way you avert your eyes every time our eyes met, he said and then slowly remove his hands from her and then hugged her.

 

Even I will start to loose my confidence if you do that, I keep on telling myself that it's gonna be alright, that your feelings for me haven't change, but deep inside I'm scared by the thought of you hating me instead and unable to forgive my old self that has taken your feelings for granted, he continued and then hugged her more tightly.

 

She almost hugged him back upon hearing his words but she was able stop her hands from hugging him back. She just realized that what Zack said might be true. 

 

What if the real reason why she can't forget him is not because she is still in love with him, but because she hated him for taking granted her honest feelings she gave to him, ten years ago. 

 

Maybe that's the reason why she can't believe his words saying that he was in love with her at that time, because not even once did she felt him loving her the same way.

 

Zack...I'm sorry...I'm really sorry, I really don't know how I really feels about you now, she told him in a trembling voice that sounded like she's about to cry.

 

So just like what I thought, you really did hated me this much that you can't even tell it yourself, he said then release her and touch her face, But for now can't you just move with the flow and let yourself believe that you're still in love with me? he told her and then gave her a kiss.

 

Zack...Wait, she said while grasping and trying to catch her breath that she can hardly do.

 

I've waited long enough for you, letting you say again that you love me can wait until next time, so please just let yourself with me at least for now, he said and the gave her a passionate kiss that's deeper than earlier

 

She can't find the strength to resist his strong feelings for her, that was flowing from his kiss and his touch. Once again she thought she was caught up from the heat of moment, but still she realize the fact that she doesn't hate his kisses and his touch. It was the same reason why even right now, she still let him do whatever he wants to her.

 

Once Again

I can see the moonlight slipping through his window behind his back while I'm lying under him. The room was cold, yet I'm not in slightest feeling cold because of the heat our bodies were releasing right now. These hands that's touching me felt so warm on this body of mine, that's trembling from the heat and sensation I'm feeling right now.

 

Zack wait...don't do this, I muttered as I felt his hands slowly undo my shirt's button and removing my undergarments. It seems that I lost my strenght to even fight back the hand that's been pinning me, making me unable to move and gets up.

 

Ahh...Hmp! I almost bite my tounge from trying to hold down my voice when I suddenly felt his hand caressed my chest and felt his tounge touching it. Let me hear your voice, his deep, calm voice whispers to me and even pressed his lips and tounge harder to my skin and leave his mark all over me.

 

When I open my eyes the next morning, the first thing that I saw was this man's sleeping face and his arms that's clinging to me. I slowly remove his arms and crawl to get my clothes, I can't believe we have done it again.

 

Sigh...what am I doing? I sighed as I fix my clothes and hair, ready to secretly go back without waking him up. What cold woman, to secretly leave his man behind without giving him a goodbye kiss, I turn my head and saw him wide awake, grinning at me. But when he stand up half naked, I turned my head again away from him, I...I just don't want to disturb you while you sleep, I muttered.

 

I can feel him moving closer to me, What are you getting shy for, he whisper to me as he hugged me from the back. Should we take a bath together as well, he muttered at me and suddenly I can feel my warm blood getting in my head and bet that my face now is bit red. 

 

I...It's not like that, I just really need to go now, I muttered then suddenly this man snickered and gave me a laugh.Pfft...hahaha...I...I'm sorry...It's just that your face and reaction, I can't get enough of this, he let out such laugh which made me irritated and pissed at him.

 

You! I tried to control myself in throwing my fist at him, I'll go first now! I shouted at him and leave him for good now. I could still hear his laugh echoing in my ears as I go back to my room.

 

When I entered my room, my knees gave up on me and I can feel my heart thumping so strong it almost want to get out of my chest. It aches...everywhere he touched...burns with heat.

 

I can't forget you, his words keeps on repeating in my head which made me unable to calmdown,My god, I'm really hopeless, I muttered and almost felt like killing myself because of embarassment.

 

The next day, I came to work like nothing happened and tried to act as normal as I could in front him. He would still stare and look at me intensely but as usual, I just ignore it while at work.

 

What is that red mark right here, my assistant asks me while pointing at the left side of her neck, What mark are you saying, I asked and then touch the left side of my neck as well. Shit! these words almost came out my mouth as I remember the man who left those kiss marks all over me yesterday, I can't believe he leave it as well on such obvious place! Is what I thought and then turn my head and glares at him.

 

Later on I immediately went to the restroom to see if there are other marks visible aside from the one that's on my neck, Sigh...so this is the only one visible, I sighed in relief and then covers it with a band aid and used the excuse that it was only an insect bite. Arrgh! For some reason I need to act with my face keeping its smile in front of him, which is unnecessarily embarassing as well!

 

I was about to the rest room when suddenly a hand dragged me inside and locked the door. I was waiting for your message and was calling you, but you never pick them up, as I thought it was Zack who pulled me in, I was busy and there's nothing to talk about, I said to him and remove his hands that's holding me, Didn't I tell you I hate it when you're forceful like this, I told him and he back away a little from me.

 

He turn his look on my neck with the the bad aid on it, I'm sorry about this, he said and then remove the band aid that's hiding the kiss mark that he left before. That will be the last time and this will begone soon enough anyway so I'll forgive you for leaving it in such an obvious place, I muttered then suddenly he grabbed my hand and move closer to me.

 

I'll just have to make it deeper so that it won't disappear immediately if that's needed, he whispered and again bite on the same spot where he leaved his mark before. Ouch! what the hell are you doing, I then pushed him away from me and felt that there's even blood now coming from his bite mark.

 

Hey, tell me something...why are you avoiding me, he asked me while looking at me all serious, I'm not avoidin y..., I was about to answer him when he cut me out, Are you in love with me?  he suddenly asked me, No! I shouted to him and then walk away from him, I have forgotten you already and even date other guys and have relationship with other men as well, I added then felt his hand grabbing my arms, not letting me go.

 

You are really such a bad liar, he muttered and then suddenly kissed me. Nngg...Uhnn...I can feel his tounge slipping inside my mouth, Zack! Stop! I don't want to...Uhnn, I then gave him a slap on his face and the run away from him.

 

I need to get out of this room and get away from him, is what I thought as I ran away and went back to my apartment. That's right I already decided a long time ago...to not fall in love with him again. But why do I feel like anytime soon I can see myself giving up and falling harder for him than before?

My Dilemna

I run away again, that's what I thought as I enter my room and clenched my chest from this uncontrollable heart beat. I can almost hear the loud beat of my heart as I remember his word and his touch.

 

You make feel upset sometime, I felt I'm gonna loose my mind. Our conversation always comes to no end, cause you never felt ending it as well. A part of myself seems to still want you but the other half of it wants to forget. It has been my dilemna from the moment I saw you again, I just can't get you out of my head. And I tried my best to run from you but... why do I still find myself attracted to you?

 

The next day I tried to go to work and act normal in front of everyone, in front of him. I made sure to stay distant and avoid eye contact with him.

 

Miss Kim, there's a problem with our client request, my assistant told me looking all worried.

 

What do you mean? I ask her and then tried to calm her down from panicking.

 

It was the one I told you yesterday that we haven't recieve yet,  she answered and I finally remembered that I was supposed to call the client to confirm something but I was so occupied with other things that I forgot it.

 

I'm sorry for this...I'll be sure to take responsibility, let me go to them directly and fix this, I told them andwas very ashamed with that simple mistake I made.

 

I hurriedly went out of the room but before I can do that Zack grabbed my hand and then stand in front of everyone.

 

I'm sure Ms. Kim will be able to talk and get through this with our client, he announced to all while looking intensely at me, If anything fails I'll be sure to take responsibily of this with the higher up as well, he reassures our team and then gave me a push on my back as a good luck charm.

 

When I got there and talk with our client, I can't believe how calm I am right now. Is it because his words that he'll take responsibility as well if all fails? I am really useless compare to him, but still him pushing my back and trusting me this much, for some reason made myself calm and gave me confidence.

 

I was able to atleast have them rethink of withdrawing from the project and gave us some time, is what I told them when I got back in the office. Unluckily for me it was only him and me that was left on the office and I wasn't able to notice that earlier when I entered the room.

 

Zack stand up from his table and move closer to me. I closed my eyes and thought that he'll do something again.

 

But instead I felt his hands patting my head and laughs at me.

 

Hahaha...I just knew you can do it once you gave you best, he then move closer to my ears and whispers, that's what I like about you, he then brushed his hand on my face, good job, Ms Kim.

 

My knees almost gave up on me as he leave the room and left me alone. I can feel the blood rushing to my head and my face becoming warm from heat. I bet he saw my face getting red that's why he brushed his hand on my face as he left.

 

I can't help it...every where he touches me, it burns with heat. Please, don't tear down any more of the barriers I put up around me!

Chapter 3: First Valentine's Date

I remember myself buying a cake and setting up the table, practicing what would be our first eve would look like on Valentine's day. I was happy by myself thinking how fun and wonderful it would be to spend our first Valentine together.

 

Ugh... what did I just dreamed again, this is what I muttered myself as I dreamed of my past self again.

 

It was again that season, that I hated most. Everyone was so excited celebrating Valentine's day but not for me who find it a pain because of its long holiday breaks, which is an inconvenience for me to finish some of my works and meet up with our prospect clients.

 

And of all days to have a nightmare like that...

 

I can't help but blame this season for making me feel all blue everytime. I don't want to think that it has something to do again with him each time I felt this. It just coincide with the fact that we break- up a week before Valentine's  day, ten years ago.

 

I remember telling myself that if I ever saw you again, I'll show you how completely change I am now, how happier I am now and I won't break down. Like a fool, I don't want to cry from being sad and without lingering attachment or regret, I'll forget you. That's how it was supposed to be, but I failed.

 

So here I am back to reality. I can see almost all of my co-workers panicking on wrapping up things earlier so they can go home immediately and prepare for their dates. I on the other hand is planning to sleep over here in the office, if needed just so that I won't trouble myself next day.

 

Do you have any plans this day, I turned my back and saw this man who was the cause of the pain in my head these days.

 

I don't have the obligation to answer you, I answered back and tried to ignore his presence, did not I made it clear that I want you to stop bothering me?! I shouted as I felt this irritable stare he is making right now.

 

You don't have to be that cautious around me, I won't do anything today, Zack answered and made this face like I've hurt him with my words.

 

I remember a long time ago when I looked at you, I can see how loved I am...I'm so happy to recieve such overflowing feelings from you, he said and then turn his back at me, but I guess it was merely a memory that has passed by... I'm just clinging to the past of us and won't admit it has long ended.

 

Zack...I'm sorry...but I...I

 

For some reason I can't utter the words I really want to tell him, he is reallly unfair being this way right now, making me weak in my resolute in denying that I'm still affected with him, that he still play a major part in my life.

 

But can you atleast smile for me as your gift for our first Valentine together and our parting gift, Zack turned his head back at me and gave me a painful smile, I guess with only me wanting us be together again, I can't have you back...I'm the only one who want this painful love to continue, Am I right? So can you atleast smile for me, just once is enough, he said and wait for my reaction to his words.

 

My mind went blank and I can hardly move nor utter a word to tell him, I can't believe what I'm hearing right now. This man who was so proud and seem so confident about the two of us, is saying he give up and wants to leave me again...

 

Sigh...You really hate me this much that you can't even fake a smile for me, he sighed and then turn his back at me to leave.

 

I don't know what came up with me but I hate hearing him telling me that he wish to leave me again and forget me. So with all my strenght I run towards him and grabbed his hand, not letting him go and leave me.

 

You...you are really a liar! I shouted at him with my trembling voice and tears flowing out of my eyes.

 

Zack looked so surprised on how I reacted and more with me crying suddenly in front of him.

 

I...I...Hmp, before I can speak again, Zack stop my lips from saying anymore than this and gave me a kiss.

 

I clenched my lips as I felt his pressing it and then closed my eyes. But then I felt him suddenly stopped, What is it?  I asked him and then saw his eyes staring intensely at me.

 

Can you stop clenching your lips close, I want to kiss you deeper...with our tounge, he told me and then suddenly grabbed my mouth and opened it to kiss me again.

 

Ung...hmp, I can hardly breathe from his kiss and I know that this is not my first time getting kissed like this by him, but still his kiss tonight is somewhat different. I can hardly hold my knees from giving up from the heat he is strongly giving out from his kiss.

 

He only stopped when he hugged me and cling to me as If he is wanting more from me.

 

I remember myself lost in thought while imagining what will the two us will do together on our first Valentine, I'm embarassing and childish right? he told me while looking all happy that I have stopped him from leaving.

 

No...not at all, me as well I bought a cake and even practice what will I say to you on Valentine's day, I told him and then he suddenly hugged me again.

 

I want to do it now, is what he whispered to my ears and made me blush from embarassment.

 

Can't I, Lian? 

 

I can almost feel my chest jump out of my chest when I heard him say for the first time my name with such deep and needy voice, uhm, I nodded and was not able to resist him again.

Innocent Days

"Hey Lian, I never see you going on dates or with a man, you're always surrounded with geeks and books" One of my friends suddenly told me, which made me think what the hell she's been going on about. 

"I'm just too not into stuff like that" That's what I always reply to it. And every time these  things are brought into me, I always find ways to escape and ignore them.

Back then I was a care free person who doesn't give a damn about stuff like love. "Falling in love at first sight huh?" I thought that's impossible and a stupid thing to happen.That's why I didn't expect that when you fall in love you'll helplessly bare all your self in front of that person.

"T...This is heavy" I muttered as I carry loads of books I need to give our professor for his research materials. "Whoa...Shit" I nearly stumble and dropped the books when I felt someone hands holding my back." I'm sorry"  I turn around and apologized quickly making me drop one of the books I was carrying.

I was struggling to reach out the book that was on the floor with my hand when suddenly he kneel down and get the book for me. "Here you dropped this" he told me with his deep low voice and then just walk away after that.

I just spoke with him one time and its not like you'll know a person after seeing him one time. I know that it's stupid, Its plain but strangely...I fell in love just like that. 

After that I often see him alone in the library  and was sitting always beside the window while reading a book. There are some woman who would try to approach him but he would just ignore them. He is stoic, quiet and intimidating.

"I wonder what's gotten into me? Maybe I'm just confused" That's what I thought that time--- and I've been telling myself for four years.

Like a stalker, I ask people who knows things about him and tries to get closer to him. But I don't have the confidence to speak with him directly so it became an unfruitful one sided love in my part for four years.

"I wonder If Its okay to do this" I giggled as I write my name beside his name on the log page of the books he borrowed before."Just to be on the safe side, I'll just put my last name...Kim" My heart would pound crazily as I think of  him.

In order to understand a little bit of him, I borrowed the same books he read, watch the same movie and listen to the same music I heard he likes. I practically become a certified stalker who is satisfied in doing petty things like this.Just so I can become a little bit closer in understanding him.

And then one day it happened. It was like fate has played with our life.

"I wonder If I should jump?" I muttered as I try to reach out and get the book that was placed on the top section of the shelf. I was about to jump and reach for it when suddenly a hand reach it out for me.

"Is this the one you need?" I turn my head to see who is it and my heart almost came out of my chest when I saw that it was the same person that I've been in love with.

It might be because of excitement, insanity perhaps but my feelings I kept for four years  just over flowed suddenly when he spoke with me the second time.

"I...I like you, please go out with me" I out of the blue blurted this words out to him. 

I'd been trying to watch him from a far, that's why when he suddenly appears in front of me and talk to me, my hidden feeling just went and over flow like that.

To my surprise he made a soft laugh and then nod his head. He easily agreed in going out with me.

"I can't believe this is happening" My ears can't believe what its hearing but it seems I was given a chance to stay beside him and be with him.

"So what is your name?" He lean forward and suddenly ask me this. But because of my nervousness, I might be frantically panicking all over and my head is really in a mess, maybe that's why I uttered a different name.

"Li...Anne Li Kim" is what I answered to him, hesitantly. Not having the chance to take it back now.

I remember myself fidgeting each time we were together. I can't keep calm and was not even sure on how will I speak with him.

"What are you fidgeting and getting nervous for?" He chuckled. I bet he enjoys watching my frantic expression every time I am with him. It obvious by the way he act and speak, he's aware of how much I am into him.

I was surprised as well at first when I learned how mean and a real bully he is.

"Hey, I want you to come with us later and drive me back again" he said with his blank, monotonous  voice.  

"B...But I still have so many home work I need to finish" I tried to explain to him but he would just glare at me. I on the other hand can't refuse him and would just give him a nod in the end.

He would sometimes made me run some errands for him and his friends but for some reason I don't find all of this hateful ad was even happy that I was being useful for him. I hate the me of that time and thinking right now I'm really such a hopeless case ten years ago.

"I...I heard that you got sick, I'm partly blamed for it so I brought these for you"  He shyly told me while holding a bag of medicine and food he got for me. 

It must be my imagination but his face is somewhat a bit red and his eyes won't meet mine, the whole time he's in my room.

I was out because of cold one time because I got drench in rain when I ran and went back to school for him that night when it was raining, thinking that he might have forgot to bring his own umbrella. I was not thinking and just went ahead and return back without an umbrella for myself and got sick the next day.

"Hey, you're sick right?" He ask me after letting out a big sigh.

"Yes?" I answered him, while grinning.

A frowned face then follows " Then what are you doing hiding yourself and watching me, grinning like that!" He shouted and then glare at me as I watch him prepare my food and cook for me at that time.

"But its a rare sight, Its a waste if I will not print this in my memory at least" I giggled.

"Huh?Are you IDIOT?" He cluck his tongue and turn way his face from me.

It might be out of guilt but still I was over joyed with happiness when he got worried at me and even went at my place. He might get annoyed with it but I can't help but smile and get so happy that it shows in my face obviously, when I saw his face got embarrassed like that for the first time.

It took a while but I noticed the changes in his expression and him opening up a little bit to me.

"My dad, I guess he really can't forgive my mom and thus hate me as well because he see his wife, who left him in me and has to look for me all by himself making it harder for him" He muttered.Half smiling.

I was surprise to hear him talking about his personal life at me and honestly instead of sympathizing with him my head is on cloud nine, unable to hide the feeling of happiness.

"Hey,  are you listening to me?" He ask me and caught me staring at him.

"Y...Yes, Of course I'm listening" I answered him, stammering.

"Tsk! Why am I even telling you this things, I must be tired, forget it" He clucked his tongue and pouted.

"No! Actually I'm just so happy that you are telling this things to me" I told him and then paused for a while, " You know, you really need to ask your dad about that" I suddenly said to him.

"About what?" he ask me, looking confused.

"Ask him, Are you angry because mom left me to you and now I'm getting in your way to move on or its hard for you to look after a child by his own" I explained to him, " And then after that...be sure to tell him that you want to be with him and you don't want him looking all sad like that"

He just stare at my face and then start laughing. "Do you think that's going to work and necessary" he debated.

"But still, make sure you let him know...there are things that will never be understood unless you told them in words." I said to him.

How arrogant of me to think that things like " you'll never be understood unless you told them in words" is that easy to do, specially once you become an adult. Right now the more I try to convey what I'm thinking, the more I say hurtful words to him. 

These innocent days of mine for some reason keeps on going back, as if its trying to return us from that time, when we still careless about the rules of this world and we are still not bound in the word "responsibility".

still editing

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 26.12.2015

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