Bubba DO Good Does Christmas

By Judy T. Lloyd

Folks let me tell you Bubba Do Good is a real character. He is the son of Johnny B. Good and Ima Good. His brothers are named appropiately. Also Good, Always Good,Up To Good and Ima No Good.
Bubba likes to stir things up down in the country and he always has something to say. People do not know it but Bubba is a college graduate. He has a PHD in philopsophy. When he is asked why he studied that in college he will reply.
"I gots to have something to think about while plowing." Bubba really is that smart but he does not suffer fools lightly especially the intellectuals. Bubba had his fill of them in college and he invented a game to have fun with them at their expense.

Once he was arrested for assualt. The judge asked him how he pled.
"I did not assualt him your honor.
"Bubba there is a witness that says you did assault the man."
"What is assualt your honor, I don't like saying that word in front of ladies."
The prosecutor groaned but some jurors started to snicker.
"Assault is when you hit someone Bubba."
"Oh i saulted him in the eye but I did not sault him in his ass."
The members of the courtroom roared with laughter as did his victim.
"Bubba what am I going to do with you?"
"I don't know what you are going to do, but my mama wants me to come home and milk the cows."
The case was dismissed because the complainant dropped the charges.

There were a lot of things that Bubba would do and many times he liked to go down to Hardy's and mix it up with the local politicians. He wore a I'm For Bush button just to annoy the Democrats. Last year he went over to the Republican headquarters and yelled out. "Obama gonna save the world." Of course most of us learned that Bubba was really a great guy with a good heart that always helped out when he had the chance. Most people did not know it but he had met with and talked to many politicians. Obama found Bubba to be open, honest and just play fun to be with. Bubba spoke his mind and that was that. He has many friends and it is hard to say if he has any enemies. If he does they don't dare say so. One Christmas Bubba was out shoveling snow from Mrs. Lilly White's driveway and he was hit by a hit and run driver and almost killed. His grandmother adored Bubba and he was her favorite. So along with his parents they nursed him back to health. Down at the Post Office there is a wanted poster for the errant driver. Some folks say it looked like Teddy Kennedy others say perhaps it was Tiger Woods before he became famous. But that is another arguement for another day, besides the truth is that the vehicle had different colored side panels on it. Bubba however won a lawsuit against the unknown driver. How that happened is still befuddling to me but it happened.

There are several things you need to know about Bubba is that he named his dog Miller Lite and his mule Earnhardt. He had a 1997 Chevrolet Pickup truck that had a Ford truck bed welded onto it. Bubba had this philosophy about money.
"It is like fertilizer you got to spread it around to do any good down on the farm. However I shore wish them there conmen would share some of their wealth with me." He was listening to the news when the story came over the air that Christmas might have to be cancelled because Santa did not haave a permit for his reindeer. Well that just about did Bubba in. He was so upset that he just had to do something. He remembered the Christmas he was laid up and decided well he was going to help out Santa Claus. Some say that Santa came over to his house regularly, others say it was Mrs. Lilly White. However that is another mystery to be solved one day.

"Reverend it ain't fittin that the little children do not have a Christmas."
"You are right Bubba but the times is hard and folks around here don't have much."
"Yes and them there conmen want to make everyone get a mit for something we has been doing a long time. Jest to raise taxes and tell us they is helping us."
"Yes but it is congressmen not conmen, Bubba."
"I calls them conmen because that is all they do con you into voting for them on them there butterfly ballots. Why they even tried to hang my friend Chad Buford."
"Bubba they were not real butterflies it was just a name like your name is Bubba."
"I ain't got no ballot named after me. What about them trying to hang Chad."
Bubba had been real upset over the election in 2000, because he thought they were going to hang his friend Chad in Florida. Chad was in prison for stealing the mobile bank that was set up for BankAmerica. Some folks say that Chad used Bubba's truck.
"Bubba that was just a name for the pieces of the ballot that did not completely go through and it had nothing to do with Chad."
"Well if you say so Reverend Percy but I still gots my suspicions. Anyhow I think I am going to go home and get my mules and Miller Lite and see about helping out Santa."
"Why on earth are you getting the mules Bubba?"
"Reverend it done snowed two feet and the mules can pull the truck out ifn it gets stuck."
"Bubba what do you think your grandma is going to say?"
"Oh she will have a hissy fit and stomp around but after she drinks a few sips of cider, she'll be okay. I think"

The reverend was picturing how Bubba was going to get the mules to pull the truck but he knew better than to ask, because Bubba always seemed to have the answers to everything. And he was right, by Bubba's logic the mules could be tied behind the truck as it went along the county roads. Bubba spent the better part of a week picking up toys and clothes for the local children. People were commenting on how it was a good thing that Bubba was doing.

Bubba decided to drive by his grandma's house before going home after he delivered the presents and goodies. Grandma cautioned him about driving safe in the snow. Grandma would have helped him if she could but it was very cold and "ole Arthur" She had a pig out in the shed behind her house that was like a pet to her. The pig had had piglets and Grandma wanted to make sure they were warm.
"Bubba you had better watch out for that old mule Earnhardt and please don't let your brother Ima No Good help you. You know you gits into trouble everytime you do."
"Grandma we are not going to a BBQ, I promise."
"Bubba he damn near blew up this here town so do not let him make you punch or nothing."
What Bubba did not know is that Ima No had already mixed wine soaked fruitcake in with the mules hay. They were loaded in more ways than one.

Miller Lite was jumping up and down excitedly and yodeling in dog about helping to drive.
"It is alright Miller, if we'n gets stuck I am going to need you to help us git out whiles we pushes." Miller Lite was a coonhound but Bubba let him think that he was a bloodhound. Bubba believed in building self esteem just like his teacher had done for him when he was in the second grade.
"Earnhardt oh Earnhardt you and the boys come on out here and back up to the truck. Sos I can hitch you on up here. We gots a lot of childrene we have to git to." Earnhardt the mule was right fond of Bubba and always did what he said, but right now the wine soaked,fruitcake,hay was beginning to churn in his stomach. So Bubba fired up the truck and started to make his way down the snow covered roads to deliver presents. Bubba had his own list of presents to deliver. He had a strange letter from Santa Claus but decided to deliver it anyway. Meanwhile Ima offered Bubba a drink from his thermas, it was supposed to be mulled apple cider, but Ima being Ima had mixed it with Hogg's Head Peach wine.
"Whew whee that there is sure some tasty cider Ima."
"You bet your bippy Bubba."
"It tastes pretty strong Ima you sure you and that cross eyed Mexican did'nt mix some of that there BBQ sauce in it."
"NNNNNNoooooo. Why you in is saying that?"
"Because I remember what happened Fourth of July down at the county picnic."
"Bubba you ain't never going to let me live that down is you?"
"Oh it taint me that won't let you live it down, it the entire fire department."
The story about the BBQ is for another day but about the time they topped the hill with Old Lady Lilly White house, the truck gave out. Apparently the block froze up because it was cold.
"Well I'll be, listen Ima I am going in and give Mrs. Lilly White her package from Victoria's Secret and maybe drink a little nog with her. You unhitch the mules from back and hook them up to the front of the truck."
"What is she getting Bubba?"
"They don't call it Victoria's Secret for nothing Ima."
If Bubba knew what was in that the package he would have turned redder than his suit from embarrassment. However Mrs. Lilly was a lady and did not let Bubba peek at her present, she sat Bubba down and fed him pound cake. The pound cake had a raspberry frosting which he enjoyed to no end. Mrs. Lilly gave Bubba a present too and now don't go getting your mind in a gutter. She knew Bubba liked to wear buttons so she had made him one. The Eat More Beans And Save On Gas.
He drank his eggnog which was a secret recipe.
"Thank you Ms. Lilly that will sure keep me warm tonight."
Ima was feeding the mules with more of the hay he had doctored. Of course Miller Lite was baying his dislike of the mules get something he didn't. So Ima opened a bottle of Budweiser and stuck a piece of fruitcake in it and feed it to Miller Lite.

Bubba soon came out and noticed that Earnhardt was acting mighty spry for his age. In fact all the mules were active. So he thought this here thing is going okay. He put the truck in gear and slapped the reins against the mules. The mules did okay for the first three miles. The parents on the run were grateful that their children would not be disappointed over Christmas. During this time they gave Bubba and Ima sips of wine and "medicine" along with Bleu cheese and bologna sandwiches. Miller Lite got treats and the mules got more hay.
The thing is that things were fermenting and sooner or later all that gas had to come out.

Just as they were about to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house, Miller let off gas and hearing the backfire from him the mules went into a full gallop. The reports said that there was Bubba, yelling at the mules to stop and Ima was singing I shot the sheriff when they hit black ice. Poor Grandma heard a blood curling yell and she jumped up to see what was going on.
"Lord Gawd that there Ima is going to kill my Bubba. He is the best one that Johnny and his mama had."
Bubba really tried to stop the fast moving mule pulled chevy/ford truck with Christmas presents. They hit the out house and bounced up before hitting a pine tree. Sliding down the pine tree the dazed mules started letting off gas. Poor Miller Lite was letting off gas and it sounded a lot like Santa Claus is Coming To Town. Ima No was giggling his head off because to him the whole thing was funny. It was funny to us too especially when a skunk family came out to see what the smell was. Papa skunk shook his head and hurried his family back into their hole. One would have thought that the mules would have separated from the truck but no it did not. Presents were scattered all over the place and it would take a few weeks to sort out what belonged to who.

Startled as well by all the commotion the milking cow peeked around the corner of the pig pen. She bolted over top of them getting out because the whole crew was headed for the barn. The mama pig snorted and her piglets dashed under the rails of the pen and were out in the snow. Pigs being pigs found a big package from Omaha Steaks and they were busy rooting through the goodies. The Piglets and mama paid no attention to the smell, however with that much gas in the air, it lit a fire in the shed where the still was. The conflaguration could be seen for miles. Someone called the fire department. They groaned when they heard the location.
"That dang Ima No Good has done it again, I just bet he talked po ole Bubba into eating the sauce again." No these guys were not going to let Ima No get away with it again.

Meanwhile Bubba and his unconventinal sleigh rounded the house and took off the front porch on the first swing. The sleigh mules and all spun around and headed for the barn. Amid furious squawking of the hens, the mules plowed through like the freight train in town. They again hit the frozen pond which caused the sleigh to tip and spin around again. On the second swing around the house they took off the back porch. Miller Lite by this time had jumped out of the truck which dislodged Earnhardt. Miller Lite and Earnhardt were close to the remaining porch on the side, so they entered Grandma's house and hid under the bed. If you have ever seen a mule hide under a bed then you have seen it all.

Grandma was in a snit and she was hell bent on getting out the house to see where Bubba and the sleigh went to. Her yard had figure eights carved thoughout. She followed the pattern and saw that Bubba minus the mules had cut through the yard and finally had stopped. The only thing was the truck was backed up against the well. And Ima No was thrown out and up in the red oak tree still singing I Shot The Sheriff.
"Shut up you damn fool, when I get out here I am going to shoot you for messing with Earnhardt and Miller Lite." Bubba was covered in pieces of wrapping and presents that Miller Lite had let out. One of the letters to Santa had drifted up and twirled through the air before landing on well pump. A deputy sheriff found the note and read it out loud.
"Santa I would like Liz Taylor diamond, you can put it in the limosene. Please make sure that Brad Pit drive it. And make sure that Bubba gets a PT Cruiser and you can park that out back. Bubba and I have business to attend to. Make sure my Publishers Clearing House winnings get here in time for Christmas. I will leave you eggnog and myself under the tree."
It was signed Mrs. Lilly White, of course everyone knew she had a thing for Bubba since her husband had died a few years back.

Grandma had called the sheriff and when the dispatcher told him what Grandma had said, he immediately went out to the farm.
"Dang it Bubba we are going to have to get a wrecker out here to pull your truck out. I am going to arrest Ima because I know he started this."
"Where is my dog Miller Lite and Earnhardt?"
"Them there smelly varmits in under my bed and I reckon I don't rightly blame them."

When the local news channel picked up the story, there were all kinds of spins put to it. Some folks said that even Obama came out to see what had happened.
"I guess I will have to veto any bill requiring the real Santa Claus has to get a permit"
"You know Mr. President if only we could get a patent on the fruitcake hay that Ima No made."
"Well I guess it would not interfere with Global Warming would it."
Santa got word of what Bubba had tried to do and he understood that it was in good faith so he had Obama pardon Ima No and Bubba for Christmas. Pretty soon it became apparent that they were going to make the story into a movie.
The fire department got a new fire house paid for by Mrs. Lilly White, she really did win in the Publisher Clearing House contest. Grandma had a brick out house built by Ty Pennington who did an Extreme Makeover on the farm. Ima No is secured somewhere in Virginia in a Think Tank. We are waiting to see if Bubba marries Mrs. Lilly White but I hear tell that they enjoy the PT Cruiser Touring car a lot. You will recognize it by the Vote For Bubba A President That Believes In Only Changing Your Shorts.

So that being the case I recomend that Bubba be played by Larry The Cable Guy.
Ima be played by Jason Leigh.
Grandma is to be played by Roseanne Barr. The animals could be played by shelter animals that are rescued.
Of course Obama plays himself. Bubba would want some representation from the Republicans so Sarah Palin could play Mrs. Lilly White and the Reverend Percy by Tom Bosley .
Remember this it is never the end of the book with Bubba he has his own list of words and assorted misdeeds and good deeds for several books.

Impressum

Texte: I have implied copyright with AllPoetry and Useless Knowledge Magazine
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 26.12.2009

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This is dedicated to all the rednecks and non intellectuals in the world.