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Four-Hour Casanova

A pharmaceutical comedy in three acts

Tony Broadwick

Copyright

All characters and events in these plays are imaginary. Any resemblance to any person dead or living is purely coincidental.

For translation, reproduction and performance rights contact the author at tonybroadwick@gmail.com

Four-Hour Casanove

Four-Hour Casanova

A pharmaceutical comedy in three acts

Cast of Characters

Cast of characters in order of appearance

RUBEN ZUCKERMAN --- A film producer in his late fifties, early sixties

EMILIO --- A young bellhop at a five-star hotel in the theater district in London

INDIA --- Ex-wife, 20 years his junior

RAIN FAIRWEATHER --- A young doctor at the hotel

ELIZABETH MCCORMICK --- An old flame – (Ruben thinks she’s the one that got away)

NORMA DESMOND --- A young and upcoming actress on the London theater scene

Act I

ACT I.

The Curtain goes up on the living-room area of a penthouse suite in a five-star hotel in the Strand area - the theatre district in London. The Big Ben strikes one.

The door opens and EMILIO – the hotel bellhop, a handsome, dark-haired, well-built Latin male, in a smartly fitted uniform, enters carrying two oversize, Louis Vuitton, cases. Emilio holds the door open for RUBEN. Ruben is a man in his late fifties or early sixties. He is desperately fighting aging. He is dressed as a young man, his hair is long, and the grey is skillfully concealed under a dark brown wig. He displays an out-of-season tan. His sunglasses are Ray-Ban, his three-piece suit is by Armani, his shirt by Perry Ellis, and his shoes are Gucci. A pen in his pocket tells us that it is an Omas; his shiny wristwatch is a bold, golden Breitling Bentley. He needs bifocals but refuses to wear glasses. He reminds us of Woody Allen trying to pass for Alec Baldwin. He looks around the room looking for something to criticize. Not finding anything, he walks to the window, looks out, and turns to Emilio.)

RUBEN: Would it have killed them to put a fruit basket in the room?

(Emilio picks up a fruit basket from a table that Ruben had not noticed.)

EMILIO: Here, sir. Would you care for some?

RUBEN: Never mind that. (pause) Does it ever stop raining in this town?

EMILIO: This is unusual for this time of the year.

RUBEN: So you say.

EMILIO: Shall I put these in the bedroom, sir?

RUBEN: (walks to the door leading to the bedroom) Yes, move the ammunition to the battlefield. This is not a king-size bed!

EMILIO: This is the biggest size bed we have, sir.

RUBEN: You’d never get away with that cot as a king-size bed in America.

EMILIO: I’m sorry, sir.

RUBEN: I imagine there are advantages to a small size bed.

EMILIO: (getting past Ruben with the suitcases) Excuse me, sir. (returning from the bed minus the luggage) Will there be anything else sir?

RUBEN: Your accent… are you from Mexico?

EMILIO: I’m from Spain.

RUBEN: They speak Mexican there?

EMILIO: They speak Spanish, but I understand the language that passes for Spanish in Mexico….Habla Español, senor?

RUBEN: Oui, comrade, ich habla espnaiol, you bet your ass.

EMILIO: Will there be anything else, sir?

RUBEN: No, that will be all for now….Amigo. Say, do you know if my assistant, Leo has checked in yet?

EMILIO: (taking out an envelope from his pocket) Yes, sir, Mr. Leo Marcus arrived two hours ago. He is in room 310. Two floors below. He instructed me to give you this.

RUBEN: He instructed you! Why the in hell is he not here?

EMILIO: He has stepped out to get you your favorite brand of Scotch.

RUBEN: What, this dump does not have green-label Johnny Walker!

EMILIO: We used to have it, but lately, there hasn’t been much demand for it, or for the black-label?

RUBEN: The Brits are not drinking anymore?

EMILIO: You’d be pleased to hear that people here have developed a fondness for Kentucky whiskey.

RUBEN: There’s no accounting for public taste in liquor or leaders.

EMILIO: Did Winston Churchill say that?

RUBEN: No, Groucho Marx did, I think. (opening the envelope and reading from a small note) Humm, good, good. (consulting his watch) Two PM, and then four PM. Norma at five, and premiere at six-thirty.

EMILIO: Good luck with the premiere of your picture, Mr. Zuckerman.

RUBEN: Thank you. Here (hands him a 10 Euro bill).

EMILIO: (pocketing the money without showing his disappointment) Have a pleasant stay, sir. If there’s anything at all that you desire, I am at your disposal.

RUBEN: (as Emilio is about to close the front door behind himself) Tell Leo to come up at once.

EMILIO: I will tell Mr. Marcus soon as he returns.

(Emilio exits)

(Ruben goes into the bathroom; a moment later, a toilet is flushed. He appears at the door wiping his hands on a hotel towel. He picks up the phone and pushes a button for the front desk.)

RUBEN: Yes, room service, this is Ruben Zuckerman in suite …. Yes, that’s right. Could you send up Emilio? Thanks.

(Continues to wipe his hands. He picks up the small notepad and writes something on it.)

(Emilio enters.)

EMILIO: You called for me, Sir, how may I be of service?

RUBEN: Well, it’s a kinda delicate matter….I only have a couple of days here, and with my busy schedule, I do not have the time to… to….

EMILIO: I fully understand, Sir.

RUBEN: You do?

EMILIO: Perfectly, Sir, we Europeans are very understanding and accommodating of such delicate matters.

RUBEN: You are? That’s good to know.

EMILIO: If you’d care to tell me what your preference would be, and at what time, and how many….

RUBEN: What are you talking about?

EMILIO: Girls.

RUBEN: Girls!

EMILIO: Or if you’d prefer….

RUBEN: Hold it, right there. You got it all wrong. I am a movie producer, I’ve got girls coming out of my ears, and I don’t need you or anyone else to get me any girls. I could set you up with four right now, this minute.

EMILIO: I'm a happily married man.

RUBEN: There's no such thing.

EMILIO: I’m sorry, Sir, I perhaps misunderstood.

RUBEN: You damn well did.

EMILIO: My apologies, Sir. How may I be of assistance?

RUBEN: (extending a small piece of paper to him) Normally, I don’t need anything like this, but with all the pressure of the premiere and traveling, and the jet lag, I just don’t want to disappoint anyone…you understand…

EMILIO: Of course…(looking at the paper) Viagra! No problem.

RUBEN: Shush…not so loud, keep it down; I don’t want the entire European Union to hear about this.

EMILIO: Of course not, Sir.

RUBEN: You see, I haven’t seen Mrs. Zuckerman, that’s my wife, (pause) err in five years.

EMILIO: That is a long time.

RUBEN: Yes, well, a little later, another old friend of mine is going to drop by. Now promise that you won’t utter a word of this to anyone…

EMILIO: My lips are sealed.

RUBEN: They’d better be tightly sealed. Because the other lady is Beth McCormick.

EMILIO: Do you mean Dame Beth McCormick, the movie actress?

RUBEN: What do you mean by calling her a dame?

EMILIO: That’s her title, sir. She was knighted.

RUBEN: Night-ed? What does that mean?

EMILIO: She was given the title by Her Majesty the Queen.

RUBEN: Beth McCormick is a Sir?

EMILIO: Dame. (count three) And she’s coming to see you? Beth McCormick, the movie star?

RUBEN: Who else? Beth McCormick, a daredevil pilot! (pause) But not a word to anyone.

EMILIO: You can count on me….Do you think that I could meet her?...Shake hands with her? I am a big fan. Her autograph…? Be introduced to her?

RUBEN: You mean, as a person?

EMILIO: It would mean so much to me.

RUBEN: I may be able to arrange that for you. And don’t forget that later on in the evening, I have to take a talented stage actress, Norma … something, to the premiere.

EMILIO: You have a busy afternoon.

RUBEN: You can say that again.

EMILIO: You have a busy afternoon.

RUBEN: What I’m driving at is this. Can you get me what might be needed? And can you keep it under your hat?

EMILIO: I don’t think that keeping it under the hat would help any.

RUBEN: Never mind the hat. Can you keep it a secret?

EMILIO: I can get you the very best stuff.

RUBEN: (pushing some bills into his hand) And on the way up, see if Leo’s gotten the scotch. If he has, you bring it and tell Leo not to disturb me until six PM.

(Emilio starts for the door. The phone rings. Emilio and Ruben exchange a glance.)

EMILIO: Should I?

RUBEN: Of course, I never answer my own phone.

(Emilio picks up the phone.)

EMIIO: Mr. Zuckerman’s suite….May I ask who’s calling? No, this is not Leo….Very good, Madame. (turning to Ruben) Someone says it’s, India!

RUBEN:(taking the receiver from Emilio) Hello dear, how are you. No, I have not fired Leo. That was Emilio, the boy would make a fine producer someday. (Ruben signals Emilio to leave. Emilio exits.) Where are you calling from? When will you be here? Wonderful. Don’t talk like that! Of course, the coast is clear. I mean, I am looking forward to seeing you again. Hurry up, dear.

(Ruben hangs up the phone and goes into the bedroom. He comes out carrying a bucket with

Impressum

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