My bare feet padded across the white floor. I have gotten used to the color by now. I have seen it everyday for the past months. Everything is white and clean. The walls, cabinets, ceilings, and floors-all stark white. Welcome to St. Lotter's Hospital for serious cases. Well, serious cancer cases that is. Yes, cancer. This is why I am here. Ever since my thirteenth year in this world this has been like a second home to me. I admit it wasn’t exactly where I loved to be back then, but I had been here so many times I practically lived here and now I actually do. After five years, I finally got so sick that I couldn't leave. It didn't feel real the first few months, but now I've accepted it.
I walk over to the small mirror over the sink in my hospital room and when I look in it I see a pale bald eighteen year old girl whose all bones with just a thin layer of skin. She has pale blue eyes that have lost their sparkle and a light coat of sweat across a face that has lost its glow. She wipes her cheeks trying to erase the tears that seemed permanetly etched there. She straightened her hospital gown and tried to make herself look somewhat decent for she knew company would be here any minute.
I don't like for people to see me like this, but I don't want them to not visit either. My family is used to it by now. It's my old friends that kill me, to see the shock and disgust in their eyes. Though, they would never say it out loud I know they feel uncomfortable seeing me. I don't blame them. I would've done the same if this happened to someone else, but it didn't. It happened to me, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I turn away from the mirror, and walk back to my bed. I can't help but think how it won't be mine for much longer. A knock at the door brings me out of my fearful thoughts. I quickly sit down on the thin mattress, and lay the small sheet over me to hide my legs.
"Come in." my voice is very hoarse whether from all the crying or not being used in awhile, I didn't know. The door opens and I hear my own gasp of surprise. I thought more than the usual people would come and see me considering I didn't have much longer here, but I never expected one of those people to be Lance. He is my exboyfriend. We used to date when I was sixteen and he was seventeen. He didn't care about the disease. He thought of me as special and didn't care what I looked like. After a year, when the disease got more serious, he finally cracked. He said it wasn't the cancer, but it was that we didn't have anything in common anymore. That's what he wanted me to believe, but I knew the truth. The cancer became too much for him. So after a year of not hearing anything from him I accepted that we wouldn't be the friends he had said we would be. He was the last person I expected to walk through that door.
"Hey, Jessica." his voice was rough. He shut the door, and shuffled into the room stopping short a few feet from me as if he was scared I was going to shatter if he got to close. I hated it. I knew I should be angry with him, but if I was being honest with myself I was anything but angry with him. My emotions exploded. I was confused, hurt, sad, torn, happy, and embarrassed all at once. He must have seen the conflicting emotions expressed on my face, because he thought to explain. "I'm sorry. I know you weren't expecting me, but I couldn't stop thinking about you. Then Kylie told me that your body couldn't fight off the cancer anymore and all I thought about was how I might never get the chance to see you again." I finally found my voice.
"Oh no, I look horrible." shoot, I didn't mean to say that out loud. "I mean..uh." I couldn't think of anything. It was all confusing. Here I thought that he couldn't stand the thought of me or forgotten about me when, in reality, he couldn't stop thinking of me.
"I don't think you look that bad and you have a reason also." he seemed to be struggling with the situation as well. He swallowed hard and continued, " Jess-" his voice cracked. I had never seen him cry in front of me like this before. It made more tears from my eyes spill over.
"Oh, Lance don't do that. You know seeing people cry makes me ball even harder." he just shook his head. I slowly reached out to pull away his hands from his face. He walked over beside me and seemed to collapse down onto his knees.
"This wasn't supposed to happen. Not to you. Not to such a good and pure person." He seemed to be crying harder than before. It broke my heart to see him like this and it hurt even more knowing I was the cause.
"Don't. It's meant to happen. I don't know why, but what I do know is I'll always look back on my memories here with a special place for you in my heart." I accidentally let the last part slip out. I found myself not thinking straight with him on his knees crying beside me. He stood up slowly to face me.
"I didn't want to leave you. I felt like it was my fault that your disease got worse when we went out. I thought it was because I would keep you out too late or go out in the rain. It could've been anything and I didn't want to make you suffer any longer so I thought by my leaving you it would make things better again." he spoke the last of his words in a rush, but I still caught them. "Now, I realize all it did was made things worse for both of us. I came, because I wanted you to know that I will always love you. Nothing will ever change that."
"It doesn't matter now. All that matters is that we're here now," I swallowed back the lump of emotion in my throat and finished in a whisper, "and we both love each other." I looked down at my covered legs. I felt his warm hand against my cheek and under my chin making me look him in the eyes. I found myself leaning forward and my eyes closing. Lance's lips brushed softly over mine once as if asking. Yes, I answered back molding my lips against his. It was quick and very sweet.
We sat beside each other talking and laughing about the old times, completely forgetting about where we were and why we were there. We joked around for hours, and then it all happened suddenly. I was laughing at his pathetic attempt to reenact the time we got lost on the road when I felt a sharp pain in my ribs. I gasped and fell back onto the bed.
"Jessica! What's wrong? Stay with me, Jess, please. Are you ok?" I heard Lance panicking over me. It's ok. I wanted to say, but my voice betrayed me by ushering a pain induced scream. I knew it was happening and I couldn't help be angry at the time of it. The pain lowered enough so that I could finally speak.
"Remember me." There were tears in both our eyes. He understood what this meant.
"I could never forget." his voice cracked with his new tears. I smiled weakly at him glad my last moments would be spent with him. "I love you." he whispered, taking my hand in his.
"I love you too." I spoke softly, but I knew he heard me. He leaned down and brushed his lips against my forehead. I closed my eyes filled with love and warmth. That's when I saw the bright light shining above me waiting to take me home. I welcomed it with open arms finally at peace.

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Texte: cover art belongs to google images
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 29.12.2011

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