My perception
I was inspired by Marc’s (MES) message that I was sent in my inbox on the bookrix and the fact that I feel from my experiences of the range of people who I have interacted with, read books and shared ideas is a huge source of inspiration to me. Also I find expressions of life experiences or ideas that I can relate too, that I may not be able to communicate to the majority of the people I know or who are an important part of my life. It’s not that I feel my ideas are better or I’m better then anybody else. I have a perception of life that no one person’s action or opinion is no less valued than another I feel that the overall majority measure or make judgments on things such as intelligence, intellect, common sense, practical knowledge, Life experiences. My life has for whatever reason put in touch with a huge amount of people all with different views, opinions, ideas and actions.
When I hear drugs are wrong or working is a must; or socialising is important, studying at university is important; having friends, being popular is important or what music you like or any other opinion. I never see the overall points of opinion or expression of being black and white it’s an answer on what is right or perceived to be right from that’s person’s view on life. To me it is all about perception and awareness of life that allows you to function, be content. My drive in life must always have a meaning of some sort. A life with no meaning is worse to me then the notion of death itself.
I had this feeling of creative expression from an early age, and although I struggle to be able to handle it, I have a constant battle to break free from conformity or being free to express myself as an individual. If you do conform at all to anything and be completely free to be an individual then you can become quite isolated almost in a way selfish, and the world becomes a lonely place because you are doing something you think is right. I base my opinions my belief on a perception of what I believe is right from my core fundamental qualities of who I am as an individual. My core beliefs which may or not be somebodies else’s are mine alone to accept and the way I use these core believes are the way I can try to shape my life, and my reality I perceive that relates to me.
Basing what is right to me (which is a fundamental part of acceptance of yourself to drive an action), it is almost impossible to me to ever base my opinion if I do not have a belief myself or otherwise if have no belief one way or another Then an action has no meaning hence no consequences. That is why I think it is always important to have a conflict in human existence because if there isn’t one life would not mean anything. People all say world peace or want utopia. But you only need to look at “The Time machine” to see a view of how the human race becomes. No war between each, no passion, hence no real peace in a way because of no meaning from emotion. A emotion which I label as an E is what I would call the drive or catalyst (if we were basing it on a technical working model). That catalyst is an important part of what makes us human and the fact that we may say it makes us less efficient because we feel emotion and most of our actions can be somehow be co-related to a decision we may or not make.
Having learnt or experienced this and trying to relating it back to myself or using this knowledge to enhance my happiness or experience in life is difficult as my core fundamental values which I feel are based on the skills or what I believe is shaped from society or my growing up. I think (compassion, friendship, politeness, gentle, kind, artistic, self-sacrificing, determination, efficiency) and many more which shapes me as a person is a true expression of who I am or who I want to be. The desires I have (pure emotion) are the drivers to express myself, not who I am. So the character or person I would call true self has a layer built around it which I feel is the ego. The ego to me what I want, I need to achieve to actually have a purpose or meaning so I do not end up like say the people off the “Time machine” no risk no expression hence no purpose to actually do anything or even use or value their true selves, They are not expressing themselves. A computer or a program may have all the knowledge or parts that are within its parameters but will not act or do anything unless a part which has a different instruction tells it to. It will not act solely as an individual core unit. So to me an expression in this case is not based on emotion. And my view is that an expression that can only be driven by another force which in this case is an emotion or what I perceive an emotion to be.
Because my true self is geared towards conformity or more towards the social system as a whole. I.e I do things that other people want to do. I would only do what I was told. I’d operate in my social circle or peers of what was acceptable to the majority or the mini system that was set up (indirectly or directly, (the herd mentality) the shape of the outcome was moulded on what was thought best and everybody was limited in that situation to behave in a certain way. If you acted somewhat differently or expressed yourself as an individual within your surroundings you were either isolated, ridiculed hence losing the option of being within the herd. My desires and drives based on extreme emotions are the total pole opposites of my conforming beliefs or action based from my true self.
So this caused me to seek excitement, power, thrills, confidence, escapism, disinhibited but caused guilt fear and conflict at the same time.
I supressed my desires because they were so strongly different to my true self and my moral and values, that this cause a complete explosion of desires which would in away explain my psychosis or sudden change in behaviour which some people would perceive as schizophrenic or as false belief in a split personality
This is what I believe and after a while I learnt to accept my schizophrenia and do talks on recovery and changing people’s negative views through propaganda media.
Now after years I learn to adapt, and my view on things and control stability is a lot better. I am able to express myself in a far better way as I feel in perfect harmony between being in control and out of control. I do not think anybody should strive to be in control of everything, neither do I think people should give control away and be controlled. I adapt through harmony within each situation. I base the idea that I can think as an individual but also think of the other person. For example my attitude now is what I can I gain from the situation and also at the same time thinking what I can I give to the situation. So if I want something or need something either in physical terms spiritual emotional terms I feel I have the right to get it but not the right to force it. So I would give somebody something I didn’t need in exchange for something I needed or want but what they do not need or want themself. Hence a system of co-dependency which I feel is the way forward in my life and my personal view of dealing with system itself and humanity as a whole. Where everybody is acting independently but as a mass simultaneously, where there is no one point of control say dictatorship. Whether some would perceive my view as a communist approach where I know it hasn’t worked and communism is just as ineffective as facism. So my approach is thinking of the whole mass using what you can off the masses as an individual but only taking from the system something that has relevance or meaning to you off somebody which it has no relevance or meaning to them.
John Pallister

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Texte: john Pallister
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 18.02.2012

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