Disclaimer and about this fan fiction

Disclaimer:-

 

This is fan fiction only and not intended for profit and no copyright infringement is intended.

 

This fan fiction is not endorsed by Lucasfilm and Disney and any copyright holder and purely for entertainment purposes only.

 

 

About this fan fiction.

 

Originally, this story was meant to be read out on a now-defunct Star Wars fans podcast, hence the format within the e-book because it is meant to be audio only. But someday, I hope to revive it into its original intended format.

 

This is a comedy piece which is an imitation of the style of the vintage "Dean Martin's Celebrity Roasts" programmes from the 1970s except that the characters are from Star Wars.

 

I enjoyed combining the two styles to make this comedy parody fan fiction.

Part One "Tonight's episode begins as Lando Calrissian and Han Solo Appears."

Star Wars “The Celebrity Roast Of Jabba The Hutt.”

 

 

Before the cameras rolled, the studio broadcast a black screen with the introductory notice.

 

 Narrator:- Disclaimer. The opinions expressed within tonight’s viewing are of the guest speakers’ and not of the network and is not intended to cause offence to any of our viewers or the public. However, it is GUARANTEED to offend tonight's guest-Jabba Du Hutt.

 

The cameras rolled displaying the "Intergalactic Celebrity Roast" logo and the applause from the audience. The guest host for the night-Lando Calrissian-appeared from the left side of the stage, waving to the audiences and greeting them with his winning smile.

 

Narrator:- “Welcome to tonight’s special episode of Intergalactic Celebrity Roast, featuring none other than the mighty... or so he says... Jabba Du Hutt. And now, here is tonight’s guest host, Lando Calrissian.”

(Continued applause lessens.)

   “Hel-lo, what have we here! What an excellent attendance, good evening to you all. I’m Lando Calrissian, Baron Administrator of Cloud City at Bespin and intergalactic superstud. I’m truly grateful to be here tonight although I can’t say the same for Jabba down there behind me. I never thought I’d see it happen but there he is. Talk about a role reversal for this vicious gangster.
Now, I’m sure you’re all eager to see the next part of the programme-no, not that slimy of piece of worm ridden filth-you know I’m talking about the first guest in the panel...”
   Lando raised his microphone.

(Lando raises his voice to introduce) “...Captain Han Solooo.”

(Applause.)

Lando pointed out his arm as Han Solo emerged from the right-hand side of the stage. He sat down. Lando remained standing and stood closer.

Lando:- “Han, old buddy, I’m glad you could make it.”

Han:- “I wouldn’t miss it for the galaxy. I have a lot to say about Jabba that I usually wouldn’t if the circumstances were different.”

Lando:- “Jabba, you’ve got a lot of guts coming here.” They both laughed with the audience.

Lando:- “LET’S tell all of our viewers shall we!”

Jabba still said nothing, but the silent snort was caught easily by the cameras and audience alike.

Han:- “Well, let’s start with the obvious. We all know that Jabba, here, is a slimy piece of worm ridden filth.”

Lando:- “Yeah, old buddy, Jabba’s such a slimy piece of worm-ridden filth that I bet his Rancor wouldn’t eat him.”

Han:- “Lando, I’ve read somewhere that Jabba is hairless due to several diseases.”

Lando:- “Is that so...” Lando nodded. “...I never knew that.”

Han:- (Spreading his hands openly) "Hey did you think that he got that away by waxing?"

Lando:- (Laughing) "No, because there's NO WAY that his entire entourage could possibly take all that away from bulk as big as his."

Han:- “Yeah, but I’d say its an improvement because, at the time, Jabba was so hairy that the only language he could speak was Wookie.”
Chewbacca showed up on stage, laughing, and sat next to Han.

Han:- (Jolly) “Yeah, laugh it up, fuzzball.”

Lando:- “Jabba’s such a slimy piece of worm ridden filth that even Oscar The Grouch rejected him as a guest in his trash can.”

Han:- “Yeah, Jabba’s such a slimy piece of worm ridden filth that he couldn’t set himself on fire to burn off any extra calories.”

Jabba:- “Solo, you scoundrel!!”

Those who saw Lando on camera noticed that he thought of something which was obviously not on the script.

Lando:- “Hey, hey, Han... Do you know why Tatooine is a desert planet? It because Jabba’s such a giant, slimy piece of worm ridden filth that his farting caused global warming.”

Jabba scowled, almost pounding the table with both hands.

Han:- “Lando, do you remember Salacious Crumb? Jabba’s monkey-lizard?”

Lando:- “That small creature with the laugh?”

Han:- “Yeah, every time I go to Jabba’s palace Salacious is always near him. In front of, next to, above, or SOMETHING, but there’s one thing I don’t get...” Han turned to tonight’s guest of honour. “Jabba, look at you. You’re so big. Salacious is so small. So, tell me, how does he manage to avoid being SAT ON by you?”

Salacious Crumb suddenly appeared, by leaping upon the table and stared at Jabba.
(Salacious Crumb laughs)

Jabba:- (To Salacious.) “Oh no, not you too.”

Lando turned to the closest camera.

“All right everybody, the fun isn’t over just yet. We’ll be right back with more, that is, more of Jabba than the Sarlacc’s tastebuds could handle, after these commercials.”

(Applause along with narrator’s voice).

Narrator:- “Next on Celebrity Roast, Princess Leia Organa and Jedi Master Yoda and three surprise guests.”

(The first commercial plays).

Part Two "Princess Leia, Master Yoda, Grand Moff Tarkin, Darth Vader and The Emperor join the roasting."

(Applause after commercial ends).

Lando:- “Welcome back to tonight’s Celebrity Roast. Please make welcome, (raises his voice) Princess Leia Organa and Jedi Master Yodaaa.”

 

(Applause).

Lando walked behind the wide desk and pulled out the seat for Leia then returned to standing in front of it with his microphone ready.

Lando:- “Now how are you doing, Leia. You look great!”

Leia:- “Never better, Lando. I only wish that I can say the same for Jabba, here. He’s still looking much more disgusting than the scruffiest nerf-herder I’ve ever seen.”

Han:- (Interrupted, shocked.) “Hey!!”

Lando:- “I see what you mean, Princess. Now, you have a story to tell our audience, the one about a secret meeting with Jabba at Hoth.”

Leia:- “That’s right, I do. It happened before Echo Base was built. We had only the basic necessities before we could set-up warmer shelters. When Jabba came, we had the coldest weather the whole galaxy had ever seen that day.”

Lando:- “So, tell us, why did you leave the doors open? You could have let Jabba inside and kept more of the heat in.”

Leia:- “We did let him in.”

Lando:- “So why did you leave the door open?”

Leia:- “We had no choice.”

Lando:- “What do you mean? Is it because he couldn't fit throught the door or something?"”

Leia:- “No, we stayed cold because Jabba’s body is so long that his tail finished coming in ten minutes after HE did.”

Although not visible, the audience could tell that his tail banged behind the panel.

Leia:- “We would have closed the door sooner if his tail wasn’t 12 parsecs long.”

Jabba:- “Go kiss a Wookie, Princess.”

With Leia’s anecdote done, Lando moved over to Yoda.

Yoda:- “600 years old Jabba is, so old that I am wondering... why his name not in hieroglyphs it is.”

Jabba:- “Speak for yourself, Jedi slime. You’re so old that writing wasn’t even invented anywhere in the galaxy.”

Yoda was unfazed, in fact he was visibly amused.

Yoda:- “When 900 years you reach, look as slim, you will not.”

Leia:- “I know, Master Yoda. But that’s because Jabba is so fat that his ancestors evolved from a tonne of lard.”

Yoda laughed.

Leia:- "I'd say a tonne of lard 12 parsecs long."

Jabba repressed a roar just in time to silence himself.

Yoda addressed Lando.

Yoda:- “Jabba’s so fat and long that, when in school he was, sat next to everybody he did.”

Lando:- “Princess, have you heard that because Jabba’s so long that they used him as a dam at The Dune Sea.”

Leia:- “Are you serious? What use is a dam anywhere on Tatooine anyway?”

Lando:- Maybe its because I tried... I mean, they tried to find a way to have his slave girls all to mys... themselves for that day.”

Leia:- “Waste of time, its better that they use him in some other way. He’s so big and long that he’d make a great roadblock for the pod racing.”

Lando:- "Is that what you think of him?"

Leia:- "Lando, we at The Rebel Alliance know better, we don't think of him at all."

Lando dropped the microphone after laughing. Yoda used The Force to float it back in front of him.

Leia:- (Continues) “Speaking of podracing, Jabba’s so stupid, that when I told him that the Boonta Eve Pod Racing was just around the corner, he actually went out of the palace to take a look.”

Lando:- “I know he’s that stupid, because his palace is round so where are the corners?”

Leia:- “Lando, did you know that Jabba’s so stupid, that he thought that Darth Maul was a shopping district.”

Lando:- “Maybe its because the advertisements said ‘Everything reduced by half.’ “

Yoda:- “Lando, to the audience you look. Noticed, I have, Jabba a change in his entourage, he has, since last time.”

Leia:- “He had no choice, Master Yoda.”

Lando:- “I know, take a good look at him, that’s because he ate the last one.”

Lando heard the director speak to him through his earpiece.

Lando:- “Ladies and Gentlemen, its time for our next guests, and, boy, do they have a few things to say. I present to you, Grand Moff Tarkin, Lord Vader and a man who needs no introduction, EMPEROR SHEEV PALPATINE.”

The three emerged from the opposite side of the stage from where Han, Chewbacca, Leia and Yoda had come. Some booing could be heard from the front row of the audience, but that was until Palpatine blasted them with his dark-side lightning.

After Palpatine’s act, another voiced disgust.

The Emperor Smirked.

Emperor:- “Looks like I missed just one.”

Then Darth Vader force-choked him as the three made their way to the panel.

Lando showed them to their seats. Tarkin remained standing to present his anecdotes about Intergalactic Celebrity Roast’s hapless victim.

Tarkin:- “We all know Jabba. We know him well. I’m sure that all of you in the audience are already learning a lot more about him than he’d be proud of." Audience laughter. "Many Imperial officials have met Jabba, I myself have seen him many times, but, EVERY TIME we had a meeting with Jabba, I never needed to...” Tarkin held up his finger, pointed into the air for emphasis. “...and I say, NEVER ONCE did I ever need to turn around to know that he had just entered the room.” Tarkin paused briefly. “This is because I’d recognize his foul stench as soon as he’d arrive.”

 

Jabba:- “Hypocrite.”

Tarkin:- (Turning his attention to Lando) “Did you know that Jabba is so heavy... that he’s the true reason why the Death Star blew up Alderaan."

Lando:- "How so?"

 

Tarkin:- "We didn’t actually use the superlaser.... no, that’s not how it was done... it was Jabba’s weight which anchored it to the planet.”

Lando:- “Do you have anything else to add Governor Tarkin?”

Tarkin:- “I do... I heard that Jabba’s so fat that they needed Tatooine’s entire GPS system just to take his picture.” Then Tarkin sat down.

Emperor:- “Master Yoda had mentioned that Jabba is 600 years old. This I find difficult to think about, because tonight, he looks just like he did 500 years ago... UGLY!”

Jabba:- “Speak for yourself.”

Lando moved to where The Emperor was seated. The viewer could see that he thought of something else which was not on the script. He spoke in a mock whisper.

Lando:- “Your highness, do you know why Jabba The Hutt is also referred to as ‘Jabba Du Hutt’? The ‘Du’ in Jabba Du Hutt is not Huttese but actually Intergalactic Standard Basic?”

Emperor:- (Intrigued) “Is that so, Calrissian?”

Lando:- “Yes, it stands for ‘Definitely Ugly’ “

 

Jabba's sudden, loud interruption caught Lando's attention just as much as anyone else's.

 

 Jabba:- "What do you mean Jabba DU Hutt? It is 'DOE' not 'Du.' Get it right!"

 

Lando looked like he was having trouble improvising. He slowly turned to the audience. "Sooo... what does that stand for?"

 

Jabba said nothing.

 

Lando:- (Continues after laughter dies down.) “Of all the times you met Jabba, which is your most memorable?”

Emperor - “It is the time when Jabba enlisted into the Imperial infantry.”

Lando:- (Surprised) “Did you sayyy... Enlisted?”

Emperor:- “That’s right, Calrissian.”

Lando:- “And tell us all what happened.”

Emperor:- “I said, Aren’t you too WIDE to be a Stormtrooper?”

Jabba:- “At least I could shoot better.”

Emperor:- “Did you know that Jabba is so ugly that the reason why everyone joined Facebook all of a sudden is because he joined MySpace.”

Jabba:- “Are you sure that it was me? You seem to think highly of yourself.”

Emperor:- “Jabba, have you seen The Hobbit Trilogy? Great movies. Fortunately for you, its a good thing that you were not in any of them, otherwise you’d be the only character making the Goblin King look handsome.”

Jabba:- “Oh yeah? You don’t look a day under 5,000 yourself.”

Darth Vader interrupted.

Darth Vader:- (Humourous) “Jabba, at moments like this, I’d usually force-choke anyone who’d talk to The Emperor like that... that is, if I was able to.”

Jabba couldn’t see where this was going but he knew that he definitely wouldn’t like the next thing that The Dark Lord would say. This time, Darth Vader addressed the audience instead of Lando.

Darth Vader:- “As you can all see, it is because that Jabba is so fat that his neck is wider than his head. That’s the reason why I can’t force-choke him."

 

Lando:- "Have you ever tried, Lord Vader?"

 

Darth Vader:- "There is no try... But, that's because NO force-user could strangle anyone with a neck 12 parsecs wide."

 

Lando:- "Your Highness, correct me if I'm wrong, but, I don't think I've ever seen you this happy."

 

Emperor:- (Looking toward Jabba) "Yes, it is not often that I get to roast someone who's uglier than me." The audience howled laughing in disbelief at The Emperor's honest words toward Jabba.

Lando pressed his earpiece to listen to another message from the producers.

Lando:- “Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for another message from one of our sponsors. We’ll be right back with more of Jabba... (Looked toward the Hutt, noting his size) ...if at all possible... (Audience laughter) ...and our mystery guest.”

(Applause and music).

 

(Second commercial plays).

Part Three "The mystery guest and the end of the show."

 

(Music and applause after the second commercial ended).

Lando:- “Welcome back to tonight’s Intergalactic Celebrity Roast. We have now reached the point where we’ll meet our mystery guest. OH YEAH, do we have more good, juicy details about Jabba coming up this time... let's all make welcome, BIB FORTUNA.”

   After Jabba's Major-domo made his appearance and took his place on the stage, he addressed, not Lando but, the audience. Almost as if he was about to protest about the jokes made about his employer.

 

 

Bib Fortuna:- (Serious voice) "Throughout tonight's episode, I've heard every terrible thing each of them said about my master, the mighty Jabba. All I can say to that is... (then changed his voice tone to that of a joyful one) ...congratulations!! They couldn't be more accurate." Audience laughed. Bib Fortuna continued. "And this includes the ugliest details... (Then deliberately paused to gain the attention of the audience) well, here's more."

 

 

(Audience laughter)

 

Bib Fortuna:- "We were on a transport on Coruscant. Jabba said to a little boy: 'Why don't you be a gentleman and give a lady your seat?' And the boy replied: 'Why don't YOU be a gentleman and give TWENTY ladies your seat.' " The audience laughed longer than in any part of tonight's programme.
   "At the end of that day, Jabba and I were on a cruise ship. The ancient, luxurious types which float on water just like the times before repulsor technology. We were there to negotiate a deal with a supplier. after the deal had been done, the ship's Captain approached Jabba and said: 'Jabba, the ship is unbalanced and sinking into the water on one side.' Then Jabba responded: 'Well, what do you want me to do about it? You can't expect me to jump overboard.' The Captain said: 'No, we want you to move to the middle.' "

   (Audience laughter)

 

Lando improvised "There's a saying, how does it go again? Give someone an inch and they think that they're a ruler? Well give Jabba an inch and he'd be exactly 12 parsecs."

   He and Bib Fortuna laughed.

   Bib Fortuna: "They say that Mos Eisley is full of scum and villainy. Well, that's true... only the difference tonight is that only one of them is here on tonight's show." Pointing his head to Jabba as he still looked at the audience.

 

   Jabba pounded the panel with his great strength. It’s a wonder how it didn’t shatter. Everyone became stunned into silence and then Jabba roared with fury.

Jabba:- “This has gone far enough. Bring me the producers of this program. They’ll pay for this outrage.”
The mighty Jabba slithered away and disappeared into the side of the studio.

 

Leia:- “It’s not over yet.” Was the only thing breaking the silence except for the next thing that Lando had to say.

 

Lando:- "I've got a baaad feeling about this.

   For the next few minutes, mumbling could be heard among the audience. Reports of viewers calling the station from their homes came through. Answers to their questions started to be read out live.

 

Suddenly, all cameras ceased filming. Everyone watching the programme from home or anywhere else could only see a blank screen and eventually heard the sound of a huge explosion.

 

Narrator:- “Due to technical difficulties, the network is unable to continue transmission of any more programs until further notice. We apologize for any inconvenience caused.”

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 06.11.2021

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