She sat quietly on the floor by the window watching the few rays of sunshine fight their way through the bars. She rocked slowly with her arms wrapped around her legs. No real thoughts were going through her mind, which was actually a blessing. Most of her life she had tried to escape her thoughts, her anxieties, her fears and for the first time in her life, sitting on the floor, she was finally alone without a thought in her head. It was probably a result of the medication which had her feeling a little drowsy. It was difficult to remember what had happened or how she had come to be here, but for the moment she was content to bask in the silence of the moment.
At the sound of the light knocking on the door she jumped up and dove into the bed pretending to be asleep. The woman that entered the door was tall and moderately attractive. She had on thick wide rimmed black glasses a little too big for her face and the long white lab coat which was the attire of most of the doctors on staff here. She grabbed the one chair in the sparsely decorated room and pulled it up next to the bed.
“Joyce.” The woman called her name lightly. She had a musical lilt to her voice that went well with her genuine smile. Joyce opened her eyes at the sound of her voice, feigning grogginess.
“Joyce, my name is Nancy; I’m one of the counselors on staff here. Is it ok if we talk for a little while?” Joyce didn’t utter a word, she just sat up and propped some pillows behind her staring at the woman.
“How are you feeling?” the counselor asked. Joyce again did not respond. “This process is going to be a lot easier if you start talking to me” the woman attempted again. Once again Joyce stared blindly and said nothing. “Well, that’s fine. I can understand being a little uncomfortable. I’ll come back a little later and when you’re ready we’ll talk. We have group counseling in about an hour and it would be great for you to join us.” Joyce stared another moment, then got up and walked to the window with her arms wrapped around herself. “Would you like to go out to the garden? I can arrange that.” Joyce turned to the woman and said slowly, “I’ll talk to you, but I don’t want to be around other people”. The counselor nodded, at least there was progress and it was a fair deal.
“Ok then, why don’t we sit down and talk.”
“I’ll stand”
“Ok, well then I’ll sit.” Nancy sat back down in the chair. “So Joyce, How are you feeling?”
“I’m feeling a little drowsy and confused. I honestly can’t describe to you how I feel right now”
“Do you know why you are here”?
“I’m not sure; everything seems blurry, like a dream”
“Do you remember attacking your father?”
“Is he dead?”
“The last thing I heard is that he’s still in the hospital, but it seems like he’s going to make it.”
Joyce turned desperately towards the counselor, “Where’s Sabrina?”
“Who’s Sabrina? Joyce”?
“My daughter, where’s my baby?”
“I’m sure she’s fine, but I can find out for you”
“I need to see her, make sure that she’s safe”
“Safe from what Joyce? Is Sabrina in some kind of danger?”
Joyce sat back down on the floor again, wrapped her arms around her legs and started rocking back and forth. Nancy tried to talk to Joyce some more, but it was useless, Joyce was gone, retreated back to her inner world and did not respond.
That night as Joyce slept, she dreamt; she heard the voice of a man softly telling saying ‘I Love you.’ The voice didn’t make her feel loved, it made her afraid. In the dream she could feel the man running his hands down her body, she wanted to scream, but couldn’t. She finally woke up screaming. Nurses ran into the room to make sure that she was ok. They sedated her and though Joyce was afraid to go back to sleep the medicine eventually caught up with her and she fell into an uneasy sleep.
While asleep, Joyce started having another nightmare. She saw herself walking down a dark street. A big black shadow grabbed her, she was kicking and screaming but the shadow was stronger than her and wouldn’t let her go. All of the sudden they were in front of a big church. Her clothes changed and she was dressed in black, the shadow dragged her through the stairs, this time there was not the frighten feeling it was defeat. She felt oppressed but unable to fight the shadow. She saw the shadow drag her body thought a red carpet aisle in the middle of the church. They made it to the altar; the shadow tied her body to a marble table at the altar. The shadow pulled out a dagger and pushed it down in the middle of her chest. In the dream she felt herself gasping for air and once again she woke up. This time she merely balled up in her bed crying inconsolably, trying to make as little noise as possible so the nurses would not medicate her again.
The next day, Nancy was back. She entered the room and announced she had news about Sabrina. Joyce jumped up from bed. “Really, how is she?”
“She’s fine. She’s with your husband and your mother, but she’s fine”
“I want to see her”
“I will try to have them bring her over later, how about we talk some more for now.”
Joyce began to retreat again and said tentatively “What do you want to know?”
“What do you remember from the last few days Joyce?”
“I don’t remember much” Joyce paused. She placed her hand over her mouth trying to remember.“My mother invited us over for lunch after church as usual. We made it to her place and I was in the kitchen helping her cook. My husband and my father were watching a game on the television and Sabrina was playing outside with her new puppy…” Joyce was sorting through her memories. She smiled remembering the last part and changed her tone “…See it was Sabrina’s birthday two weeks ago. She just turned six years old. We gave her a puppy as a present and she takes him everywhere, even to church.” Joyce paused again, this time a lot longer. She got up and started pacing in the room. “Sabrina ran inside…” she paused and took a breath “she pulled a book down from the bookshelf and sat on his lap and asked him to read her the book”
“Whose lap Joyce?” The counselor saw that they were getting somewhere.
“Him…I could see them from the door to the kitchen.” she stopped and said abruptly said, “I don’t remember anymore, and then I was here in the bed”.
“Joyce, what went through your mind when you saw Sabrina in his lap?”
Joyce could not talk anymore and the tears began to fall. Nancy sat quietly assessing her while allowing her to calm down. After a few minutes the sobbing had been reduced to sniffling.
“Why don’t we go out to the garden Joyce?” The counselor observed her from a distance as they walked the garden paths around the facility. Eventually Joyce found a bench, sat down and wrapped around her legs rocking back and forth.
Since Joyce arrived at the hospital she had barely eaten anything and it was beginning to take its toll. Nancy anticipating this left her there on the bench for a while, the orderlies watching her. She went down to the cafeteria and grabbed a burger and fries.
“Our food is not the best, but I figured you would enjoy this”
“Thanks”, Joyce grabbed the bag plate and allowed her legs to the floor.
“This is a beautiful garden”
“I have one just like this one”
“Really? Tell me about it”
“Oh, I have a lot of things. I have a big house, with maids, drivers, a nanny and a personal assistant. Can you believe that someone without a job has a personal assistant?” Joyce chuckled.
“Well, you do have a job; you’re a mom and a housewife. Your husband is an important man, so I guess you have tons of things to coordinate”
Joyce face turn sad, “Yes, I guess” she shrugged her shoulders “I never wanted this, any of it.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I never loved my husband. I never even met him until a few months before the wedding. My parents arranged the whole thing. He’s a good man, I just don’t love him. He has given me everything a woman could want and even the things I’ve asked out of spite, but it’s not real”
“Why are you still there?”
“Hmmm, first I’ve never felt like I had the choice and now I have to stay for my daughter”
“That must be hard”. The counselor’s cell phone went off announcing a text message. “Oh, I have good news for you. I have arranged for a family session tomorrow and you get to see your daughter”
“Why are you doing all this? Why do you have such an interest in me?”
“Well, it’s my job to make sure you get better, and honestly Joyce, I understand a lot of what you’re going through, more than you can imagine”
Joyce quickly changed the subject and stared telling the counselor stories about her dinner parties. She took the opportunity to drop the names of famous people she had met through her marriage and the places she had visited. They laughed at some of the stories. Joyce felt strange, she had not laughed in a long time. She had no friends, at least no real ones. She was an only child, so there were no other siblings to share her issues or accomplishments.
That night Joyce went to sleep somewhat content. The thought of seeing Sabrina the next day was given her hope. She took a shower and lay in bed. Joyce found amazing that even when most of her life she had felt tormented by her thoughts racing through her head, this time she spent lapses of time without a single thought after daydreaming about the garden where she just spent the afternoon she fell into a comfortable sleep.
Once again after falling asleep, Joyce started having a nightmare. She saw a little girl. The little girl was in a dark room, tied to a table. Something had the girls limbs tied up, she couldn’t see anything else in the room, not a body or a spirit, but all of the sudden the girl’s parts were being cut and pulled in different directions. The little girl was screaming until her head detached from her body and fell to the floor. Her head rolled to the edge of the door and laid there staring with unseeing eyes. Joyce woke up sat up in bed and cried.
Morning came quickly, thankfully. Joyce didn’t want anything to mess up the opportunity of seeing her daughter. She took a shower, changed clothes and even had breakfast in the common dining room. While she was eating she heard the sweetest voice, “Mama!” Through the door emerged the little figure of Sabrina with her puppy in her arms. Joyce lifted her up at once, hugging and kissing her over and over, behind her, her husband and mother stood smiling over her.
“Hello Joyce” said Samuel kissing her forehead. “How are you doing darling? I’ve been worried about you”. Joyce just lowered her eyes. Joyce looked at her mother, but they didn’t exchange any words.
Joyce sat with Sabrina at the table and brought her something to eat. Later she took her to the garden and ran with her and the dog. She was enjoying herself, not without the image of the other two visitors who were shadowing her. A nurse came to get Sabrina and informed Joyce that it was time to go inside. Joyce took a deep breath and walked into the building.
The counselor’s office was cozy. When Joyce walked in, her husband and mother were sitting at the sofa across the room. The counselor was sitting in a chair across from them. Her choices were a loveseat that was located on the side of the room or to sit between her family members. She chose the loveseat. She propped her legs on top of the loveseat and wrapped her arms around her legs.
“Well, let’s begin”. The counselor looked at Samuel and his mother in law. “Does anyone want to speak first?” Samuel shrugged his shoulders. Anna, Joyce’s mother started talking.
“I just don’t understand. Joyce has a wonderful life. She has a beautiful daughter and a loving husband. She doesn’t lack for anything and frankly never has. Samuel is an excellent provider and a good husband. The only thing I can think of is that with Sam being such an important man, she is crumbling under the pressure”
Joyce chuckled. The counselor looked at Samuel
“Samuel?”
“As far as I know everything is fine. Joyce has never complained before. She devotes her time to Sabrina and I know that makes her happy.” Looking at Joyce” My darling if there’s anything you need for me to do for you I will do it. All I want is to make you happy”
Joyce chuckled. The counselor asked Anna. “How was Joyce growing up?”
“Oh she was a delight. She always got wonderful grades and was athletic. She loves to read and cook. She loves her house and her child. She never gave me any problems”
“How was Joyce’s relationship with her father?”
“Oh excellent! Dylan loves Joyce. I use to be, and I’m ashamed to say this, a little bit jealous of their relationship. He was so attentive to her, that’s why this makes no sense. Dylan used to read to her every night. Every night he would take an hour and spend it with her reading her books and playing. I use to listen through the door wishing I could be part of their time together…” Anna barely had the words out of her mouth when Joyce jumped out of the loveseat and pointed in her face.
“You sick conniving witch! You knew… all this time… YOU KNEW!”
The counselor grabbed Joyce from behind and broke some distance between her and her mother. “Calm down Joyce. Just come take a seat.” Nancy tried to soothe Joyce back to her seat.
Joyce was shaking her head in amazement. “Mom, you knew?” She looked at the counselor. “He used to rape me every fucking day... I was five… till the day I married you!” She said pointing at Samuel.
Anna horrified covered her ears “Don’t say that Joyce, you know that’s not true"
“Mom, I tried to tell you when I was eleven and again when I was sixteen and you didn’t believe me and you’re telling me that all this time you knew and you didn’t do anything to protect me! What kind of mother does that?!”
“Joyce, never bring this up again! We talked about it and you know that’s not true…your father loved you. He just expressed his love differently. He didn’t want to hurt you. Actually I saw him this morning and he already told the cops he’s not pressing charges against you. He realized that you were not yourself and he forgives you” Anna spoke rapidly, trying to change the mood with sweet words.
“Forgives me…Ma, he raped me!!…for most of my life he raped me…Every. Single. Day. He hurt me every day.”
“Stop!” Anna looking at the counselor “Stop her please; she doesn’t know what she’s saying?”
“After all I did for you…I don’t know why I’m surprised” Joyce grabbing her own shirt in her chest
“Joyce let’s just sit down and talk okay?” said the counselor
Joyce looked at her husband, “Did you know? You have been friends with my father for years”
Samuel had eyes wide open. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Anna got up, grabbed Joyce by the arms and whispered. “Stop it Joyce. If you have anything else to say we can discuss this at home when you’re out of this place. You are not going to shame our family in front of strangers.”
Joyce pushed her mother into the sofa. “Enough! I can’t take it anymore.” Looking at the counselor, “Dr. Nancy, do you remember that I told you yesterday that my marriage was arranged. “
“Yes Joyce”
“When I was 18 years old, Dylan, he’s not worth being called my father, decided that I was not going to go to college. My parents had money all their lives. “ Joyce threw herself on the loveseat once again, this time with both feet on the floor and her elbows on her knees, cradling her head on her knuckles. “ Dylan is an alcoholic and a gambler. He lost all his money and we were about to lose everything. I don’t know the details, but I know that these two…” pointed to her husband and mother “made some kind of arrangement where Samuel covers all their expenses and I was the price.”
There was silence in the room. Anna and Samuel were looking down in embarrassment. Tears started rolling down Joyce’s face. “At that point I didn’t care. My life was already so miserable and at least my parents were not going to end up in the streets. The truth is that Samuel is not a bad man, but I’ve never loved him. Having sex with him is like having sex with my father, but then again, I did that every day of my life… same feeling, just different man”
“Don’t you dare say that Joyce? I never forced you!”
Joyce snarled at him” You bought me like one of your properties. You might not physically force yourself into me, but you might as well have …” Joyce started sobbing again. The room was silent except for her cries. The counselor sat next to her and put her arms around her.
Joyce collected herself a little. “I remember what happened that afternoon.” She looked at Nancy pleadingly. “I was in the kitchen helping my mother with lunch. I saw Sabrina enter the house through the kitchen. I heard her talking in the living room. I could see her and Dylan on the recliner from the kitchen door. She was sitting on his lap reading a book. He saw me watching them and he looked at me and told me that she was growing up so fast and that she was so beautiful. Then he winked at me. I knew what he meant. I remembered all those nights he would read a book to me right before he would climb on top of me. I shouted to Sabrina to run out of the house. I didn’t want her to see anything. I yelled at her to run to the yard and she did. I held that knife in my hand and I just ran towards him…Samuel caught me before I could stab him, but I saw him fall behind the chair. That’s all I remember and then I was here.”
“See, he wasn’t doing anything to the baby. Joyce you have really lost your mind” Anna said trying to debate what Joyce was saying. Joyce pulled her hands from her face and stared at her mother with hatred. She sat back in the loveseat. Joyce looked at the counselor “I would die for my daughter and I will never let anyone harm her, unlike my mother.”
“You are safe now Joyce” Nancy said soothingly.
“I know it’s going to take time to recover, but I want to be a good mother and I want to be well, will you help me?” she grabbed the counselor’s hand
“Yes, Joyce. I will help you, I’ll help you”
Joyce got up and stood in front of her mother. “So he will not press charges against me? Good! Then I won’t press them against him.” She turned to her husband. “I want a divorce”
Anna one more time stood up. “Joyce you can’t do that. Joyce please, I’m sure your husband will forgive you for all this. If you divorce Samuel, what are we doing to do? Joyce you have no money, he’s going to take Sabrina away”…
“Mother, I don’t care all of you can rot in hell.” She turned to Samuel, this time he was standing. “You are going to give me a divorce and full custody of Sabrina”
“Why would I do that?” Samuel said eyes narrowing.
“Because otherwise I will tell the press what they have always suspected, that there was something behind you marrying a woman twenty five years younger than you.”
“Who’s going to believe you Joyce? Look at yourself. You are in a mental institution. Nobody will believe anything you say. Your mother is right, I’ll give you your divorce, but I will fight for my daughter.”
“Well I may be crazy Samuel, but I am sure your associates will appreciate this crazy woman telling them about the money you have been laundering since this company’s inception. Even if I’m crazy, I assure you they’re going to look into it and they’re going to find everything, because I’m going to tell them exactly where to look.”
Samuel’s face changed expressions. “I’ll give you the divorce and the money, but I’m not giving up my daughter. I love her too.”
Joyce thought for a second, “I get full custody and you get limited visitations. Take it or leave it”
“I’ll call the lawyer in the morning. You’re not as submissive or stupid as your mother led me to believe ten years ago”
“Oh, I was. Living with serpents taught me a thing or two”
Samuel nodded; he placed his hand in Anna’s back guiding her towards the door.
For the first time in her life, Joyce felt victorious. She felt like she had control over her life and was going to be able to protect her daughter. She smiled and hugged her counselor. “Thank you, for giving me back my life. My mother kept repeating that I should never say the things that happened. The reality is that now they will be out of my life and I’ll truly don't have to live these things again”.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 08.07.2010

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