The Invented Family

Copyright ©2018 by Ayodele Ajileye

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Ayodele Ajileye

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www.shakersandchangers.com

 

Unless otherwise stated, all scriptural references are taken from the New Living Translation of the bible. Italics in scriptures are for emphasis only.

 

Introduction

Don’t join the queue. Seriously, don’t join the queue. I’ve had too many people ask me the same question and if not that I want to be smarter with you right now, you’d ask the same. Every time people hear that I am talking about the family they ask, “Dele, are you married?” And I always say marriage is only a tiny part of the whole family system, I was born and raised in a family and still belongs to a family or families as everybody is with time. Asking such question boxes you up and that won’t allow you benefit anything from reasons. Sentiment is a prison you can’t afford if you ever want freedom for your mind. So, don’t join the queue.

 

The family is a pillar in and of life and society. Without the family system, life’s needs and purposes cannot be met and accomplished respectively. We don’t only measure the small from the whole, we also measure the whole from the small. Whatever happens in the family happens to every other parts of life. And the world is what it is presently because of what the family system is. The ways people interact in the family have effects in every other sphere of life since life has the longest chain reaction.

I’ve been around people who constantly wondered where we got it wrong in the world that there is so much hate, deceit, greed, abuse, and so on. And growing up in a part of the world where the some of the wrongs going on in the family system are celebrated makes it all more exhausting. Men, women, and children are set on the edge, yet nobody seems to understand why. We blame it on financial constraints, sexuality, fashion, and media. But the family and the society are what they are, and finance, media and so on only act as catalysts to spread the family disease like a fast growing cancer.

What we now call leadership or government in a community or country or organization stems from what leadership is in the family. And in all sincerity, only a few named leaders are true leaders. Everything is dependent on the family system. Everybody is trying hard to be accepted by or belong to someone or a group just because of the gross rejection in the family system.

Can anyone really be blamed for what goes on in the family? I’ll say 100% no because we are, for the most part, only living the kind of life that has been handed down to us from the generations before, and 100% yes because everybody is responsible for his life; people not wanting to search out the truth for themselves is one of the worst curses on humanity.

What is the family? How does it operate? Who make up the family? And how do they relate? All these questions seem to have answers that are not true because if they were true, people won’t be set on the edge. This is why I am happy to reveal the mystery called family.

This book is divided into three parts. The first part, the invention, explains what the family is intended to be and what it is in most cases and it deals with the pain attached to what we call leadership in the family. The second part, My Farther and Smother, lays emphasis on the effect of the first part on the male and female genders especially parents, and the effect of style of parenting on the children. The third part, Housing an Alien, looks into the life of every child from infancy to adulthood. Well, the children are the ones that get bulk of the effects of the family system because they really do not have a say before they are made.

Please note that I only mention the gender that a discussion directly and generally pictures, however, traits can be swapped between the two genders. And as I discuss the family, I want you to relate my discussion to your extended family, relationships with neighbors, friends, colleagues, and the community at large. Finally, no matter how mild or serious I’m able to paint a situation, the effects on the family is just the same whether mild or serious.

And let me say this upfront: I could be very raw with the use of words and some of them might be offensive. However, it has to be like that for better understanding. I’m not trying to be reckless (especially with words), I just want you to get the truth as accurately as possible.

What else can I say than to tell you to enjoy your ride through the pages of this book.

 

Part 1- The Invented Family : The Invention

I really wasn’t the kind of kid any adult who did not have reasonable answers wanted around because I was really Mr. Inquisitive, and I didn’t mind just letting the adults around me know some of the questions I had in mind. Well, that didn’t last for too long because adults who don’t have answers or who don’t know how best to explain things to an inquisitive kid know just how to shut him down by shutting him up one way or the other. The irony is that instead of such kids to stop asking questions, they ask more and try harder to get answers. Though many of such kids, like myself, become introverted.

I saw people get married and I asked why get married. Well, in my traditional environment, you will get answers such as “Marriage is for companionship or so you can have a woman who will wash your clothes, make your meal, have your babies, and keep your home. And someone to have sex with.” Sure, nobody will say the last part to a kid between six and ten years old, but they imply that mostly when they talked about companionship. Now, let me do some breaking down of many of the things that ran through my mind as a kid. And thank God I asked some of those questions back then, else you won’t be reading this now. And for real, we all asked my kind of questions as kids and we got answers to them one way or the other, whether right or wrong. Here we go:

 

Why Get Married?

1. For companionship: When people talked about companionship in marriage or family, I figured that they were talking about intimate relationship. I thought that it should be the interaction between companions since it is companion-ship. I always expected more of two people not too far from each other in maturity (in all wise that matter) to interact so closely that you can’t tell which is which. I was expecting what I later grew up to know as soul-mates. Mates not necessarily because they are not different or that they are exactly the same in certain measures such as finance, home-keeping, intellect, childcare, and so on, but because on whatever ground of choice, they are either not far apart or they are growing in marriage to meet up with each other. However, instead of the intimate relationship I thought it would be, it was almost always an intimate ownership. Ownership in the sense that one party completely owns the other, and the suitable help part of the whole thing is a big lie. Women, on most grounds, are owned by their husbands. And except I’m wrong on the meaning of words, companionship is not the same as ownership. People, even Christians, argue the ownership in the family on the basis of the Bible saying that man is the head and the woman is the body. Well, I thought, the body owns the head as much as the head owns the body because none can live without the other.

 

1. House chores: I heard it clearly when people say that when you get married, you will have a wife who will wash your clothes, make your bed, prepare your meal, and all sort. It at first sounded cool to me because well I hated washing the dishes, and I still do not like it much though I do it. But as I grew, I started asking weird questions again. Questions like, Can’t men do these things? And can’t women work in offices, be soldiers and actually go to war, be engineers, Mathematicians, and so on? Then I started studying the Bible from where most of “these concepts” are said to have been carved out starting from the first man – Adam. I realized that Adam was alone living his life without even thinking of having any “suitable help.” My guess, Adam wasn’t fasting all the while before Eve came along, and the God I have come to know is not the type that indulges people so much as to send angels to cook for Adam. Adam might have been crude, but if the Bible is true about him being in the image and likeness of God, that means he wasn’t dirty, neither was his house a horror. Adam didn’t need a help with house chores, and if he did, he would have invented washing machines like we now have by great inventors like Hamilton Smith.

 

1. Make and raise babies: True, children come through women because they are “men with wombs” as they say. But what if a woman can’t have a child? Well, I saw a lot of women who can’t have babies for one reason or the other, and I still see many of them around. Or what if a woman, for whatever reason tangible to her, does not want a child? Does this mean that she is not part of God’s plan for a family? And for the part of raising children, after a lot of maturity through knowledge, I started to see the effect of the absence of fathers in the lives of children and I figured that women are not the only ones who should raise children and that money provided by men does too little in raising kids. Back in the days, I wondered why a man who already have children, since that is what the family is said to be all about, still go out there to make babies with other women. Now, I figured that men do that because they think that is what women are created for after all (though mostly subconsciously), and because they are not “’actively” involved in raising those children. men really need a place to burn all the energy that they ought to have used to raise their children

 

1. Sex: Sex as part of the so called companionship is something most men can’t seem to get enough of, going from one woman to another thinking subconsciously that, “Since sex is what women are made for, we can as well be the motherfuckers while they remain the bitches.” With more growth and maturity, I now understand that sex isn’t always the best part of an intimate relationship. The sharing of hearts is. How did I know that? I see many couples (especially during counseling sessions) who claim to have good sex complain that they are still far apart. Sex, if not as a part of the sharing of hearts, makes one party feel like a sex machine so much that she makes herself user-friendly (though she hates it at times) while the other feels like the machine user that just uses it and leaves it for some other time or another whenever he is tired of it, or better still, operate multiple sex machines at a time.

I even hear Christians encourage people with sexual struggles to get married so as to curb his/her sexual activities. Well, I’ve also learnt that marriage does not curb sexual struggles, seeking God’s help and professional help does. In this too, tradition lies.

 

1. Prove of being Responsible: In my part of the world which I also found out to be true in many other customs, marriage is said to be a proof that a man or woman is responsible (especially the man). The definition of being responsible by tradition is the ability of a man to dominate over his family, and for a woman, it is the ability to hand herself over to a domineering man. I thought that being responsible is the ability to have a family without any of its members being abused physically, sexually, psychologically, and emotionally. This is part of what I consider as maturity. However, the ownership part of this being “Responsible” violates what it truly means to be responsible.

 

Most of what they call the purpose of marriage seems to be for the benefit of the male gender, women seem to be the victims. Well, looking at the purpose of having a family from the female view point is also exhausting. Let me explain a little of the topics I chose to discuss from the women’s view.

 

1. Companionship: Too many women in the family are not mates with their husbands in many ways, and that makes most of them a drag-along to men. You can imagine how a tortoise that is yoked to a stallion will be so beaten and abused in every way that matters. So, for women, companionship is a slavery where many of them get to choose their slave-masters in the name of a husband.

 

1. House chores: Having been a trained slave from childhood, women easily flow into the fixing of house chores. In fact, they have been able to encourage themselves with scientific affirmations as they have told themselves that they can multi-task. They can care for children, prepare the meal, keep the house clean, and so on at the same time. The sad thing about it is that most women wear themselves out in their quests to become Jacks of all trades masters of none. A sadder part of women getting lost in their multi-tasking mode is that while they are busy Martha-ing around, their husbands are busy seeking and engaging Marys (Luke 10:39-42) who will sit with them and have good conversations, good meals probably from Martha’s kitchen or eateries, and good sex at times. And the same house chore that is said to be what keeps husbands become what pushes men away. Mary could be anything ranging from other women to certain addictions, jobs, sports, anything to be busy with while the women are multi-tasking no matter how mild it is. We even hide under the funny adage that says, “The way to a man’s heart is good meal.” Well, men will eat good meals prepared by their Marthas and they will go out and expend the energy from the meal on their Marys.

 

1. Make and raise babies: Most women feel less than a human if they cannot have children as though it is the sole responsibility of a woman to make babies. Women are first condemned for childlessness before checking the fertility of the man, if at all they choose to check. So, in the family system we have invented for ourselves, women are baby factories. And as for raising children, women are saddled with that responsibility. But no matter how much a woman tries, the space of the father figure will always be vacant if not occupied.

 

1. Sex: Women have been told that intimacy for men means sex and so they make themselves sex machines that are user-friendly – sexy. Sex, to many women is a duty, not a fun part of marriage. And many women can’t seem to get past the feeling of being used by men, their slave-masters. Too many women just give their bodies and never their hearts because they know that once men are done having their fill, they are left hanging. Sex, for both men and women, is the launching into the depths of one another’s hearts.

 

1. Prove of being Responsible: The prove of being responsible for a woman is the ability to remain like some toy to her man as he drives her around, or should I say, as the slave-master drives her crazy. A woman is responsible if she can be mute while being taken to the slaughter like a sheep. I thought that being responsible is the ability to appropriately respond to one’s environment, and avoid being treated as less-than-a-human.

 

Well, those are the reasons people always give for getting married, and those do not only drain life out of families, if sucks life out of individuals.

 

How is the invented family operated?

Dominance. Yes, the family system human invented for himself is run on the fuel of dominance. And in dominance, there is always the slave and the slave-master, the one that tramples and the one that is trampled.

Of course, there’s got to be leadership in the family if there is going to be order. But leadership in the invented family is actually tyranny as it is mostly dominance. The man dominates the woman, woman the children, first born dominates his siblings, and the same runs through the order of birth. I will use the family cardinal to explain how the family system we have created for ourselves is run because it really determines where everybody falls in the family and how everybody behaves.

 

The Family Cardinal

In the family cardinal, like I have illustrated in the diagram above, has a vertical and a horizontal part to it and that is how it runs in the family. Everybody is either a male or a female as the horizontal shows, and everybody is either an adult (parent) or a child as the vertical illustrates. Now, let’s examine each part of the cardinal.

 

The Vertical Coordinate

On the vertical coordinate the location of everybody in the invented family is so distinct that you can touch it. Everybody on the invented vertical coordinate is located by hierarchy (age, wealth, social affluence, and so on); I mean from grandparents to parents to the firstborn to the second, till the last born of the family in any sense of the hierarchy. This arrangement is so obvious in the invented family that you can easily tell who is who because of the demand for reverence. Let me pull some resources from the bible to explain what we have in the invented family:

 

Vertical 1

And without question, the person who has the power to give a blessing is greater than the one who is blessed. Hebrews 7:7

 

…and give respect and honor to those who are in authority. Romans 13:7

 

The truth is that you cannot be blessed through an authority you do not honor, so as much as the lesser should honor the greater in order for things to go well and for long life, most of what is demanded in the invented family is idolatry, not honor.

Honor is the esteem and admiration of someone. It is giving due reverence to people. Family members, by reason of location in hierarchy, should be revered. Even when you do not feel like it, it is an instruction that if adhered to holds the promise of better livelihood. As a matter of importance, everybody must be honored regardless of their place in hierarchy because everybody is higher in certain sphere(s) of life, and age is not all that matters in hierarchy.

Idolatry, which is what is demanded in the invented family, is an unreasonable and undue esteem and admiration of a person. Honor is always blown out of proportion especially in the traditional family. And the interesting thing is that the “children of God” got the overblown honor straight out of the Bible – “as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord…” (Watch out for my new book titled The Most Decorated Slave to understand the relationship between Abraham and Sarah better) Referring to someone as the leader or the head is honor, but we mostly overturn the table and make idolatry out of honor. A leader is not God, he is human with all the human curves. Parents demand idolatry from their children and firstborn from his siblings, and that run down to the lastborn.

The sad thing about idolatry replacing honor is that people get tired of idolizing people especially when they start to see how human they really are or even lower than a human at times. When this happens, rebellion sets in and a seemingly perfect relationship is strained.

 

Vertical 2

One of the major faults in idolatry is that all the glory always belongs to the idol while the subject is always ignored. And that is true of the invented family system; people on the lower part of hierarchy in any sphere are always shut down. “If you are not an idol in this matter, keep quiet.” That is how it is. When adults are talking, children (who may even know better or are able to contribute productively) are asked to keep mute. That was the case with Elihu, the youngest of Job’s friends who visited him in his time of trouble. Elihu watched the older men go back and forth on the reason for Job’s problem, and like someone who really had something better to discuss, he blurted out and asked to be heard (Job 32). If it were in a more traditional setting, Elihu would have been asked to remain mute.

In the invented family system, wisdom or virtue, so to speak, comes with being on the higher part of certain hierarchy. Even the preacher says that wisdom without wealth won’t be heard. That is because nobody pays attention to what really matters, all attention goes to what can be counted.

 

Women should learn quietly and submissively. I do not ley women teach men or have authority over them. Let them listen quietly. For God made Adam first, and afterward he made Eve. And it was not Adam that was deceived by Satan. The woman was deceived, and sin was the result. But women will be saved through childbearing, assuming they continue to live in faith, love, holiness, and modesty. 1 Timothy 2:11-15

If you are a woman, I will totally understand with you if you are angry with Apostle Paul for placing that gag order on women. And if you are in a very religious setting, you might as well be receiving a lot of blows based on that passage. But if you are a man, that passage makes you an idol. You are an idol whose faults can be overlooked while every little fault of a woman is constantly rubbed on her face. Or as a man, you wonder, like me, how unfair this passage is to women. Perhaps you have even met a lot of women who can or are doing better than men can or are doing (even in the church). Well, I have something for you; let’s meet Apostle Paul, shan’t we?

 

Apostle Paul grew up in an invented family system, and to make things worse, he was a trained Pharisee who was very zealous in keeping the Mosaic law. He vigorously enforced the law because he believed so much in it. And don’t forget that Jesus and the Pharisee were always on each other’s throats. Paul was so saturated with the Mosaic law that you don’t expected that the law will not show up from time to time in his life. He was a great believer and an apostle, but he was something else before the later. And as far as the Mosaic law is concerned, women are less than human, so to speak. This indifference of the Mosaic law about the humanity of the female gender is revealed through all the authors of the Bible, in the sense that there are very few mention of females as the star players. That is perhaps because women are not even allowed to act, and the few that acted were not able to make it to the history book because of their gender.

This is what I’m saying: Women and children do not have a say in the invented family system which is also the invented world. Do you see how much women struggle just to be heard even in our present world? That is the invented world. And it is not the way God intended it. God made people to be virtuous regardless of their gender. Virtuous women are heard because they are wise as Proverbs 31 explains.

The truth is, nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care, and you cannot truly care without listening to the person you intend or claim to care for. In the invented family system, males hardly listen to the females, and the older hardly listens to the younger. Now, if you can’t listen, you can’t believe, and if you can’t believe a person, you can’t live right by him. And whoever you can’t live right by can’t live right by you no matter how much he tries. That is the lot of people in the invented family system. People find it hard to believe and be believed, and quite harder to trust. Now, do you still wonder why there is so much distrust in our world? Not anymore, I guess.

 

When Care goes South

After dealing with when people do not care in the invented family system, I think it will be unfair not to explain what happens when people actually care in the family system.

Care in the invented family system is always vertical in the sense that idols can only depend on its subject for the needed care and the subject can only depend on the idol for the needed care. There is never care between idols, all they can do is to compete for subjects’ attention, and the same goes for the subjects.

The upward care that is given is simply named “ego massage.” Ego massage is a term I heard, for the first time, in a church, then in a book. Both were encouraging certain people to massage the ego of certain people. And the good thing in my life is that I consciously and deliberately probe everything that strikes interest in me, and I try not to be prejudiced in my findings. I believe that even you can testify to this, having reading this far in this book or any of my other books where I questioned norms. Well, ego massage, as I have found out, is the melodramatic celebration of a person’s success especially in the sense of what can be measured such as beauty, strength, wealth, and so on. It is a deliberate masking of a person’s imperfection. And one thing about masks is that they can fall off or be removed. The truth is that whenever a

Impressum

Verlag: BookRix GmbH & Co. KG

Texte: Ayodele Ajileye
Bildmaterialien: Shakers and Changers
Cover: Shakers and Changers
Lektorat: SHakers and Changers Editorial Team
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 21.01.2020
ISBN: 978-3-7487-2695-1

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To every member of my family without whose love, support and experiences this book cannot materialize. I love you.