SEPTEMBER

My eyes snap open to the buzzing of my alarm clock.

College today! My thoughts scream.

No longer sleepy, I throw my blankets off and jump out of bed. I stumble over to the other side of my room to turn on the lights before hastily changing into the clothes I laid out a week ago; a tight T-shirt and my favorite pair of skinny jeans. They’re the only ones that actually make me look skinny. That’s why I love them. I then throw on my sneakers. After attempting to tear a brush through my rat’s nest of hair, I took a seat at my desk to do my makeup.

Foundation, eyeliner, eye shadow, mascara, and lip gloss.

Once I deem myself presentable, I grab my bag and head downstairs. The smell of pancakes and sausage permeate the entire house and make my stomach growl.

I drop my bag at the foot of the stairs and enter the kitchen. Mom is hunched over the stove, her eyes jumping back and forth between the baking pancakes and the clock.

“Good morning, Mom,” I say to her. She jumps.

“There’s my college girl!” she sang, walking to me, wiping her hands on her apron as she comes. She wraps her arms around my shoulder and gives me the biggest hug I’ve ever gotten from her. “Are you excited?”

“Mom, I’ve been excited since I got my letter back in March.” I take my seat at the table.

“I know you have,” she starts. “I still can’t believe you’re going away!”

I rolled my eyes. “Mom,” I warn.

Dad appears in the doorway, still adjusting the tie around his neck. He has too much going on at work to come see me off. Mom and I are going alone.

“Someone’s awake this morning,” he laughs.

“I just want to go already,” I say. I’m running purely on adrenaline.

Mom puts a plate of pancakes onto the table. I help myself immediately—I just want to eat, get in the car, and get out of here.

“Is Sarah leaving for school today, too?” Dad asks.

“Yup,”

Absolutely no one I know is going to my school this semester. I’m nervous about not making new friends, or even making the wrong friends, or not making friends simply because I’m not pretty enough, or not thin enough, or smart enough, or . . .

My leg bounces. I tap my fingers on the table as I devour my breakfast. After an eternity, Mom sits down at the table. Ten long minutes later, she manages to finish. And, knowing her, she has to clean the dishes before we leave.

“Can’t you worry about the dishes after you take me to school?” I plead. My eyes jump to the clock. “We should get going now,”

“Calm down, eager beaver,” Mom laughs, “college isn’t going anywhere.”

“I know but . . .”

She rolls her eyes.

I sigh. “Just let me know when you’re ready,” I head out into the living room, grab my bag, and sit down on the couch. I whip out my phone and text my best friend Sarah. A few minutes later, Mom and Dad appear. We head out to the car together. Dad and I say goodbye. Mom takes pictures. Mom and I get in the car and drive off.

“College!” I shout while I check my phone for messages. There are none.

OCTOBER

I’ve been in college for a month now. My high school friends don’t text me as much as they used to. They’re all too busy with their new schools/friends/lives to bother texting me. What if they forget about me?

How are you, you’re probably wondering. I’m doing well. Classes aren’t too hard. But I have a ton of work to do by the end of the week and I’m worried I won’t have enough time to do it and then it’ll be late and my teachers will hate me for the rest of the school year. I don’t have a roommate either, and I’m glad; even though I’ve basically been alone for the past month. But I don’t need them filling my little refrigerator with junk that’ll make me fatter than I am. I want to be thin. No one will like me if I’m fat.

That’s probably why my old friends stopped calling and texting me. I wasn’t pretty enough for them. They don’t want to be seen talking to me.

After Mom dropped me off at school in September, I’ve been working out at the school gym almost every chance I get. I want to lose weight.

And the cafeteria here has pretty decent food. Even though it all looks good, I’ve been limiting the amount I eat every day. I’ve done research on how to watch your weight, and eliminating fatty and greasy foods from my diet is a start.

I hope I’ll make friends soon. College will be pretty boring if I don’t have anyone to talk to.

NOVEMBER

I woke up this morning and stepped on the scale I bought myself a few days ago. 121 lbs.

That’s not good enough. Not good enough at all.

I need to be thinner. Skinny is good. Fat is bad.

Do I have friends yet? No. But as I left my English class yesterday a boy said “hi” to me. I’ve seen him before. He’s pretty cute, if I do say so myself. Maybe he’ll be my gateway into the social world and introduce me to people. But what if he doesn’t? I’ll be a social outcast forever. No friends. No life. No parties. No dating. No hanging out. No texting. It’s that simple.

I’ve also been a regular at the gym. It’s free, so why not use it? I’m there so often now that the woman who works at the desk knows my name.

Oh, and Mom and Dad called me last weekend. They asked how school is. I told them that it’s fine. They said they miss me, and I told them I miss them too. They hoped they weren’t interrupting me. I admitted that I was about to go to the gym. They were surprised and proud of me for working out because I used to sit around on my computer all the time at home. They said goodbye, and I hung up so I could go to the gym.

DECEMBER

Mom and Dad called again yesterday. Dad won a raffle at his office for a trip for two to Hawaii over Christmas break. They said they’re going, and then apologized for not spending the holidays with me. I told them it was fine, and to have fun; what I didn’t tell them was that I was planning on spending pretty much every day over break at the gym.

As I walked to my history class this afternoon, a tall, thin girl ran up to me. Says she’s seen me at the gym. Her name’s Amy. I introduced myself, and afterwards she told me she’s jealous of how pretty I am. She wants to be as thin as me. I laughed and thanked her, but told her I’m not really all that thin. We had to part ways when we reached the science building.

After class, I saw Amy again. That boy who said hi to me was with her. His name is Bryan. They’re only friends though, so there is still the possibility that I could end up dating him. Amy gave me her number before I left, so I could call her before I go to the gym. She said we should go together.

I asked her when she has lunch. As it turns out, the three of us have our break at the same time. Amy promised she’d find me and have me sit with them.

Yeah, you heard me.

I actually have friends now.

JANUARY

Amy and I are really close now, even though it’s only been a month. We’ve been going to the gym together every weekend, and I’ve started going during the week now, too. I put off an essay earlier today just so I could go.

I step onto my scale just before going to bed. The number reads “113 lbs”. That’s only eight pounds off what I was when I first weighed myself. I’ve hardly lost any weight. I need to lose more, and faster. Because what if Bryan realizes how heavy I still am? He might stop talking to me. He may even hate how not-thin I am. Then we’ll never end up together.

I climb into bed now. My thoughts continue. Amy is thinner, taller, and prettier than me. He might like her more. What if they both turn away from me? I don’t want to be alone again. I need to be really thin. Maybe I should eat even less. Then my body would just burn away the fat for energy. Yeah. Maybe I’ll do that. And I’ll still go to the gym. Maybe I should go more often? Four times a week isn’t enough, apparently.

FEBRUARY

My jeans and shirts are really baggy now. They make me look heavy. I need new clothes.

I’ve been holding my pants up with a belt for the past few weeks. My waist is just a little too big for the fifth notch in the leather. I want to be small enough to pull the belt that tight. I just need to work a bit more.

Amy is going to take me shopping tomorrow, on the first day of February break.

105 lbs.

MARCH

Bryan asked Amy out. She called me this morning and told me. I could hear how excited she was. I told her “That’s great!” and she said she had to go because Bryan was waiting on the other line. I hung up and fell back onto my bed, sobbing.

Why didn’t he ask me out? Am I still not pretty enough? What’s wrong with me?!

Am I still overweight? What if I die because I’m so heavy? What if I have a heart attack? I don’t want to die. I hope I’m doing enough.

But it can’t be enough. Bryan asked Amy out, not me.

Still crying, I got up and looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. My makeup had smudged and I wipe at it with the palm of my hand.

I lean on the counter and close my eyes. I try to calm myself by taking a few deep breaths. I wipe away the tears and turn to the side before opening my eyes. I look immediately at my waist. I lift up my shirt. I can see my ribs a bit, but that’s what losing weight does to you. You can see bones. That’s perfectly normal. But it seems there’s still fat on my stomach. I feel sick and hunch over the sink. I don’t throw up, but I wish I had.

I eventually dare to look at my reflection again. I stare at my legs. The jeans I bought while I was with Amy are already getting baggy. I think I can deal for a little while longer without needing new pants, though.

But my thighs are still so fat. I hate it. I hate my body. I can’t lose weight fast enough.

I went back to my bed and collapsed. Before falling asleep, I realize I can only eat the tiniest bits of things from now on. I hate to even do that, but if still having to put something into my body is necessary, I’ll have to do it. I’d rather not eat anything at all.

APRIL

Eating almost nothing seems to work. I also found a weight loss medication a few days ago at a local CVS. I take two pills a day.

I’m down to the sixth notch in the belt I’ve been wearing. I love being able to see my hip bones. It makes me feel thinner than I really am, and I like it.

97 lbs.

Amy and Bryan are together all the time now. They’re basically joined at the hip. They hardly talk to me, even though I still sit with them in the cafeteria. It’s like I’m not even there. Am I just a ghost to them? Am I invisible?

Mom and Dad called again. They asked if I’m coming home for Easter break and I lied and told them I have too much school work to do.

I actually just don’t want them interfering with my eating/workout schedule. I don’t want to forget to take my pills.

I’ve been biting my nails, too. They’re really brittle now, and I’ve taken time to paint them with thick coats of clear enamel. My skin has been dry, too. And my hair isn’t as full as it was in the past.

Amy texted me around dinnertime one night. She said she and Bryan are worried about me—that I’ve been getting thinner and thinner. I waited a little while before texting her back. Finally I sent a response.

Wht? Theres nothing 2 worry about.im OK

My phone buzzes again a few minutes later:

R u sure? u look so thin its scary and u havent been eating much @ lunch

I write,

i promise im fine. dont worry

She never replied. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since then.

MAY

I had to poke a new hole in my belt this morning. And I bought jeans again.

I take time out of my day to carefully weigh and reweigh myself. 88 lbs.

But I still feel too fat. My legs especially—there’s just so much excess fat there, and I can’t seem to get rid of it.

I’ve gotten to the point where I haven’t been going to the cafeteria for a single meal.  I’ve been living off small amounts of fruit, water, and pills. That’s enough for me. And I’m proud of myself when I feel hungry. I feel like I’ve made a great accomplishment and that I have a talent for getting rid of weight. I feel really guilty if I eat more than four bites of something a day.

With final exams coming up, I’ve been spending twenty hours in my room. Even though I’m studying like a maniac, I can’t seem to retain anything.

The remaining four hours of my day are taken up with workout time. Amy isn’t at the gym anymore, and she never comes to visit. Neither does Bryan. If my phone happens to ring, I ignore it—unless my parent’s ringtone starts. Only then will I answer.

And now that I think about it, I realize I haven’t gotten my period in a while. Maybe I’m getting the flu or something. That’s probably why it’s late.

I weigh myself before I went to bed. On that particular day, I was 89 lbs.

I froze, my eyes fixated on the number reading on the scale. I gained a pound since yesterday. That can’t be right.

I stepped off the scale and got back on again. I’m still 89 lbs.

Oh no oh no oh no. I can’t gain weight. How did that even happen? Where did this extra pound come from?!

Maybe it’s the fruit I’m eating. But fruit doesn’t have fat. Maybe I’m eating too much?

I immediately alter my diet to one bite of an apple a day, one glass of water, and three pills. By the end of the week, I was down to 85 lbs.

JUNE

I finished finals week. Over the weekend, I spend my time packing up my belongings. Mom and Dad are coming to pick me up next week. I can’t wait for them to see how thin I am, even though I’ve only lost like 30 pounds and I know I can lose more. They’ll be so proud of me!

I don’t bother going to look for Amy and Bryan, and they don’t come looking for me. I don’t even care anymore.

Friday morning I get a text from Mom while I’m still lounging around in my pajamas. She tells me they’re here, and their car is parked right outside my building. I write her back, saying my door is open; they can come in and grab my stuff. I still want to shower before we leave.

While I’m getting dressed in the bathroom, I hear my parents walking around my room. They’re making sure I didn’t forget anything. In the silence, Dad starts asking me how finals were.

“I think they went well. I’ll get my grades in a few days.” I pack up my cosmetics and head out into my room. Dad is sitting on my bed, and Mom is checking my drawers. Both look up at me at the same time, and stare.

“Sweetie, are you ill?” Mom asks immediately.

“No, I don’t think so. Why?”

She comes over to me and feels my forehead. “You don’t have a fever.”

“I know I don’t, Mom,” I say, confused. I head over to my bed and dump my toiletries into a small bag.

“Have you always been that thin, or do I just not remember?” Dad asks. I face him.

“I’ve been working out a lot and dieting. Don’t I look good now?”

Mom stares at me. “How much do you weigh?” her voice is serious, and I’m almost afraid to answer her.

“Eighty pounds. Why?”

She gasps. “What have you been doing to yourself?! Are you insane?!”

“I’ve just been trying to lose weight, Mom. It’s not bad,”

“Not bad?!” she shouts. “Have you looked at yourself in the mirror? You’re a skeleton!”

“No I’m not,” I say calmly. “All I’ve done is lost some weight. And my hips are still a little big . . .”

“Sweetie, you’re a twig! Don’t you see the problem?” Mom runs her hand back through her hair. “Grab you things right now. We’re going home so I can get you help!”

An hour later, after a silent car ride, we get home. Mom is the first one out of the car, and the first one inside. She immediately picks up the phone and dials a number. From what I overhear, it sounds like she’s talking to my doctor. She hangs up and dials another number. I hear her say that I “will be there tomorrow”. She puts the phone down and faces me.

“What did you do to yourself?” she asks breathlessly. “Did you starve yourself?”

“No, Mom, I ate fruit.”

“Is that all you ate?” I nod. “For how long?”

“A while, I don’t know. Who were you on the phone with?”

“A therapist who claims she’ll fix you. You’re going to the hospital tomorrow to meet her.”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE YOU’RE ANOREXIC,” she shouts.

JULY

Dr. Kelly has been pretty nice to me for the month I’ve known her. My only reason to hate her, though, is because she’s been forcing me to eat in front of her. And she’s feeding me large helpings of food, too. I used to refuse to eat it. I knew it would make me gain weight, and I didn’t want that. But finally, I took a few bites.

I hated myself for giving in. And I hated Dr. Kelly. I hated my mom, too; and Dad for not stopping Mom from sending me here.

I’ve been living in the hospital under close watch since Mom found weight loss pills hidden in my sock drawer. She yelled at me so much that day that I was the one who suggested I stay at the hospital. I wanted to get away from her. All she’d do was shout at me; yell at me until I ate the food she put on the table. And she’d tell me that it’s my fault this happened and I “shouldn’t be putting her through this” and “should have been more careful” and “shouldn’t have been so selfish”.

Dr. Kelly weighs me every day now and records it, but won’t let me see the number. I know I’m gaining a lot of weight, though.

She’s also been teaching me how to eat correctly again. In the beginning, I wasn’t happy in the hospital. But as I learn more about having anorexia, I’m glad Mom got me help. She could have just let me waste away. She could have let me die. But she didn’t.

And I’ve started attending group therapy, which isn’t actually as bad as it sounds. Turns out, I also have an anxiety disorder (which had played a large part in my anorexia) so I’m getting treated for that, too.

By the end of August, I was allowed to go home. Dr. Kelly taught Mom and Dad how to work with me, how much to feed me and when, and what signs to look for in case I return to my old ways. And I have to go back to the hospital every weekend for an annual checkup.

Mom doesn’t yell at me anymore. I still attend group therapy, and I’ve made friends with the six people there. I’ve learned that being thin doesn’t mean you’ll be more popular, or prettier. Sometimes it just means you’re down right unhealthy. And that’s what I was, and didn’t know it all year.

Amy and Bryan called me the other day. They’re still together. Both of them are glad to hear that I’m getting help. They came to visit me, too.

I’ve started to willingly eat the right amount of food, without anyone having to direct me to do so. I know how many calories I need each day, and how I can get them. Mom, Dad, and Dr. Kelly still keep a close watch on me, though. But I’m glad to have their help because I know I can only get better.

Impressum

Bildmaterialien: Google and stylefrizz.com
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 27.10.2013

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