I was on the edge of losing everything mainly myself and my life.Pressure from acceptance and friendship never went through my mind like the others.My past was harsh,my present miserable,while I saw no future.My parents?Well I felt invisible mom worked all the time and my dad is dead.It got to the point where i could cook,clean,and survive on my own.Oh yeah my name is Tommy Garcia.
My dad died when i was 13 years old I was in 7th grade and from there it went down hill fast.Mom kept herself busy she had three jobs so none of this being depressed crap.She never feed me so i got skinny then i learned to cook.If it weren't for me she would be living in a pig sty and not know.She has this way of blocking out everything and i'm one of those things.I'm already turning 17 this week not that "she" would know.
By the time I turned 14 I was surrounded by a different crowd.That year even some of my friends went to juvile or did suicide.I had lots of "girl" friends they were just friends guys would call me gay but i just don't get along with guys as much.
I've only had two real girlfriends and heres why.The first did suicide and I really cared for her I'm not making that mistake again.The second well i was just bored after a week we were over.I dont want to fall in "Love" if its even possible for me all i feel it seems is pain,hate,and depression.Well there's my story explained in a page lets get to the present.
The door was locked my mom tried to keep me out but theres a lot of extra keys in the plant.I found a key and turned the door quietly my mom was probably asleep when I opened the door I heard a crash.She was throwing things again I found her on the floor with bloody hands trying to pick up the glass.When she saw me come towards her she got up running and locked herself in her room.Her work was all over the table she was paying the bills no wonder she broke the vase.
After cleaning up I lay on the couch to watch t.v but i guess she didn't pay for cable so i fell asleep.Even my dreams were terrible especially that one dream that haunted me still.I would wake up screaming,my heart racing that it hurt to breath and i still do.Today's dream wasn't as bad but they left me restless I can't have a good sleep.Most of the time I lay awake and take like four to six pills to help sleep but my nightmares get worse.
I can feel my worst nightmare coming till i have that particular nightmare then it starts over.When I woke up I was sweating stupid nightmare as I passed the window i saw that it was raining my favorite weather.After I took a shower I got hungry so I look through the fridge there was only cold pizza so I put it in the half broken microwave.My mom tried to break it but i kinda fixed it.It was getting dark not that I sleep so I got on the beat up laptop.Years of work finally paid off I finally got a laptop.I work at this stupid cafe the only thing worth working there was it was quiet,I get to stay away from mom more, and the cash,Everyday I get on the p.c not like I have a life anyways my life was boring,depressing, and not worth it but things were going to change.
The next day I woke up and went to the school bus.Like everyday I always meet Zakk at the corner of the road but today was different.As I reach the corner I see Zakk talking to a girl but I didn't want to meet or talk to anyone so I stayed where i was.This girl had jet black hair up to her hips with red highlights at the ends,bangs that covered her green eyes,and the most beautiful face.She looked like she wasn't interested in Zakk not that he would give up and she looked tired.
When i noticed I was staring I looked away and waited for her to leave but she was waiting for the bus too.So I went next to Zakk "Hey whats up?" Zakk looked annoyed "Nothin talked to that girl over there I think she likes me" he whispered.I laughed Zakk was always so clueless but I didn't want to break the news.When we got on the bus I made sure I was no where near her.Zakk had a different idea so we ended up in front of her.
I could feel her eyes boring into the back of my head.So instead of talking to Zakk I dozed off on the bus.When i woke up there was an angry bus driver in my face."Your going to be late get out of here"he said pushing me out of the bus.School was boring my favorite period was study hall all I do is is draw I never actually studied.I had Zakk in every class but I ignored him most of the time all he does is bug me.The teachers ignore me because I was quiet,did't do the work,and was there doing nothing.In the past teachers wanted to have a conference with my mom for how i acted.But of course my mom is all about work and she never showed.
I don't know how I passed each year I guess they just didn't want someone who does nothing every year I didn't blame then I am boring.After school I go to the usual spot where I go to see my "girl" friends.Torrie was behind the tree she was holding a blade I'm not surprised and Karina was smoking a cigarette."Hey Torrie I'm guessing your having a bad day?"Torrie stuck out her tongue like a kid and said "I bet yours wasn't any better Tommy"."Stop it you guys don't start fighting again" Karina said."Who said we were fighting right tommy we were not fighting" said Torrie still working with the blade."Right" I said while I sat down next to Karina."So where's that idiot of a friend of yours whats his name...Zakk" said Karina eyes closed bored i guess."Chasing some new girl at least I got rid of him" I said I put my arm around Karina while she dozed off.
Karina and Torrie are my best friends it was never awkward or anything when I would put my arm around them.People would say that I had two girlfriends but it wasn't true.Torrie is a schemer,clever, fierce,and kool.Karina is...smart,the leader,sweet,calm,and motherly.Ever since my dad died it was like Karina took me under her wing."Hey tommy want to use my blade?" asked Torrie she was climbing a tree now "Sure" I said as it fell into my hand.As I pull up my sleeves I see hundreds of scars from the past cuts most were old but some still burned.When I saw the blood I looked away it always made me feel sick."Come on Tommy don't be such a baby you can't even look at blood" Torrie said laughing.I grit my teeth and I forced my self to look and not vomit.Torrie came down the tree and showed her new cuts as she showed me I remembered how things used to be for Torrie.Her life was ok till her father had an affair and forgot about them.After that she got failing grades,and hanged out with a bad crowd.Her mother couldn't even support herself anymore and I got Torrie a job at that lame cafe.She lives in a dump of an apartment but she won't take charity.
"Hellooo...Tommy anybody there"Torrie was waving her hands in front of my face."Sorry I blackout for a minute whats up?"
"Oh nothinggg..I just got tickets to Nine Inch Nails are you in me,you,and Karina"Torrie said as she flashed the tickets in my face."Thats so awesome I'm in have you told Karina?"I said looking down at Karina she was still asleep she looked peaceful."No I was waiting for you to get here slow poke"she punched me in the arm."Whatever"I said. I shook Karina awake when she woke up she got so scared she pulled out her knife"Wait what the hell"she put her knife away when she saw it was me."Sorry Tommy just a habit"she said looking embarrassed.Note to self never wake up Karina.
Torrie looked disappointed"Awww that would have been an awesome fight" Torrie pouted looking sad."Torrie don't you have something better to do like tell Karina about the concert already?" she looked grumpy "What concert?" she asked Torrie and me."Oh I got tickets to -" I cut her off "Bye you guys talk to you tomorrow" I said walking away.
When I looked back I saw Torrie jumping telling her about the concert while Karina lay against the tree.While I thought of Karina there wasn't much to think because she would always avoid a question about her past.I've never seen her open up even with the countless boyfriends she's had.The only thing that comes to mind was the day we met.
It was raining like now and school was ending I was walking home when i decided to take the longer way.I was in a bad part of town and i was thirteen in the streets something was going to happen.
When I went through an ally there was a guy selling crack when he asked if I wanted some I slipped away.I was finally getting there when I saw movement so I stopped.Then I saw something silver catch my eye,a knife of course I got against the wall when three gangsters came out with knives.They were the usual gangsters I mean by the looks of them."Lets see if he's got any cash on him" said the one in the middle the leader of the three I guess.By the time I blinked I got jumped I saw arms and legs everywhere when I felt pain in my side.
When I looked down I was bleeding one of them had stabbed me.
After they had jacked my money and had beat me some more they left me there to die.I was crawling toward the street to find help when i saw Karina so I yelled for help."Do you live around here because you should know better"she said bored.Her face said she had seen this before and was used to it."Can you help or are you going to watch me bleed to death?"
She laughed at my sarcasm,she fixed me up,and we became friends ever since.
On the way home I was thinking so I didnt notice that I was being followed till I dropped my blade and stopped.When I bent down to pick it up someone crashed into me from behind."Oh sorry I wasnt looking..Im just in a hurry" I hear the person saying then I see it was a girl."Its all right it doesnt matter" I said but I was kinda pissed off."Oh heres ur blade"she handed it to me it still hand some dried up blood."Thanks"I said trying to not sound annoyed when i looked up at the girl it was the one from the bus stop."Well bye see you at school" I said but not really caring if she was pretty or a girl.
As I was walking away I quickly turn around nd hide behind a tree.When I looked at her again she looked disappointed and she walked the other way.I got up and started walking home again think what that was about.
When I got to the apartment my mom was talking on two phones at once.When she saw me she hanged up her phones without saying bye.
She looked mad I guess it was that time again.Whenever we did talk she always argued about something meaningless she just wants to get mad."Where were you its 6:00 you should be home right after school" she yelled."Why to see you kill your self with work?" I muttered while going around her to the kitchen.As I walked around her she grabbed me by the shirt and turned me around to face her.
"What did you say to me young man"she said her eyes crazy."Dont't touch me" I got out oh her grip and went to the kitchen."You live in my house so stop being an ass and listen to me"she yelled at me.
"Soon you'll get rid of me and then you can die alone in peace" I yelled in her face.That seemed to piss her off even more that she stalked to her room.When I heard her slam the door I went to my room.As I look around there were basically just four walls and a pile of clothes near my closet.I felt numb this was a routin school,the fighting,everything I though.I didnt feel like cleaning or cooking or working I was tired of it.So I just sat against the wall and turned off the lightsI still felt numb so all I did was stare at the wall.Along the way sleep finally came.
Today is saturday its going to be a long day.I got up early to avoid my mom which was easy since she was still in a bathrobe smoking and on the phone.I have to work full time today at least I have Torrie to talk to she was working today too.As I turned the corner i spot my boss unlocking the door "Good morning" I grumbled I knew what was to come it was the same everyday."Ahhh Tommy my best employee" he said cheerfully how annoying I though.
"Its either Torrie or me of course you pick me" I fake laughed with him.All of a sudden i felt a pain in my stomach and i double over."What the hell Tommy im right here!!!" she said pissed off."Nice seeing you today torrie" I said out of breath sarcastically.Yeah dont mess with torrie unless you want your ass kicked I though to myself."No fighting kids!" my boss said laughing then he unlocked the door and we followed him in.
Through out the day was pretty much the same like always boring dealing with whiney customers.I was getting sick of my boss and his lame jokes that me and Torrie were always secretly tortured with.But hanging out with Torrie is fun sometimes we even prank the boss and even the customers.Its hard to believe that someone like Torrie was hurting inside when shes so full of life.Even if I do have my own problems im not totally heartless.I hated seeing that I couldn't help torrie she seemed so happy you can never tell when she's gunna blow.
As I walk home in the rain with Torrie at my side I couldn't help notice she was quiet.Oh no Torrie isnt quiet unless somethings really wrong I though!"Umm Torrie is...is everything alright?"I said concerned.Torrie stopped walking suddenly I tryed to look at her face but it was raining too hard to see.Then she hugged me with so much force I almost fell back."Tommy....you've always been there for me and Karina and i just wanted to thank you" she said.
Then she kissed my cheek I blushed I hadnt ever though of torrie that way but I obviously care about her."Tommy I know I push you around,mess with you,and sometimes treat you like crap but...I love you"she said full of emotion.I didnt know what to say I didnt even know how I even felt.
"Uhhh ummm" I didnt know what to say I was dumbfounded."I have to go ill see you tomorrow" torrie said looking down shyly kissing me on the cheek again."Uhhh okay bye" I said stupidly facing the other way.As I saw her sprint away at full speed I tried to think about what the hell had just happened.
When i got home I went straight to my room glad my mom wasnt home yet complaining about work.The rest of the day I was trying to figure out what I was gunna do.I obviously liked the girl but I didnt know if i liked her the same way she liked me.
As usual I woke up screaming when I got control over myself saying it was only a dream I though how the hell I got into this mess with torrie...
When i finally got out of bed I saw it was late.My mom was pounding away on the door for me to get out of bed so I got dressed and sneeked out the window.Haha that gave me a good laugh i was somewhere near the top floor so that left going down three flights of stairs too easy i though to myself.As I made the landing when I got near the ground I ran towards school knowing what was coming teachers on my ass about skipping out.I had already missed the bus now I have to run 7 blocks to get to school oh joy! -.-
When i got there I had already missed 1st period as I passed Ms. Garcia she gave me a nasty look.
"Hey dude where have you been?" it was Zakk coming out of his class followed by a skank who must be his current girlfriend. "I woke up late sorry" I mumbled going around him to my locker."Ohh.. well whats up?" he said following me around like a mutt."Nothing just fucking up daily, the usual" I said smiling sadly."Dude things will get better just think positive." he said encouraging it annoyed me when he talked like that."Yeah, yeah.." I said walking away onto my other class...
Finally it was homeroom the time i usually sleep in the back of the class, the pills finally kicking in.When i heard the BAM as they pulled the trigger I woke up.Sweat on my forehead, heart still beating fast I looked around the room.
Nothing seemed different people talking,playing around reading.I get up from my seat and excuse myself to the bathroom not even going to bother the teacher as she napped.I go into a bathroom stall wiping the tears and the sweat away.I take some more pills wishing i was anywhere but here and home.
I hear the bathroom door open not wanting anyone to know im here i put my feet on toilet cover.As i hear the guy talking a piss i think to myself, fuck i must look crazy whats happening to me...
Finally they leave i get out and look at myself in the mirror my eyes shot, dark circles under my eyes, my hair long and messy.I fix my hair I wonder what the hell Torrie see in me.While I was walking back to class I run into Torrie. "Hey!" she said then she grabbed my hand and started walking with me."You know its against the rules to be wandering around the halls" she said smiling.
I blushed "umm yeah i was just heading back to class" i said trying to get away.I still hadnt made my mind up about how i felt about Torrie. The last thing i need was to see her right now. "Uhh bye torrie i have to go" I said walking away in the other direction.
And my being a dumbass looked back and saw she was crying, i hated myself so much...

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 19.04.2010

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Widmung:
to my best friend(now boyfriend) tommy this is to you. you told me a lot of secrets,and sad things that have happened to you if it werent for you i would have never wrote this book feel better tommy:)