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By Santosh Jha

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Copyright 2017 Santosh Jha

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Preface:

We all live in very complex and fast changing milieus, where the first casualty is poise and equanimity of consciousness. The drift takes its toll on cognitive realism. Both men and women are coping hard with milieus outside; in professions especially. For both men and women, troubles may be varied in degrees of intensity but troubles have the same origin. Both men and women struggle in milieus outside but when they come home, they surely need to have a heaven, where both men and women should feel rejuvenated, so that every morning they move out, recovering their poise back. Home is where we have all things, which we lose outside. Home is where we have all things, we do not find or cannot attain outside.

However, most home milieus have troubles. Our contemporary homes are surely missing what they should ideally have. In such un-replenishing home milieus, the man thinks, most troubles are because of the woman and woman thinks the man is creating them all. The reality is, most women fail to understand their men with a standpoint, which the men have and hold dear. Men do the same. They don’t care to see and accept the women’s worldview and perspective. Once the home milieu loses poise, even small issues blow out of proportion.

It is never that everything in a marriage or intimate relationship is wrong and troubled because either man or woman created them. Both have their fair share in most troubles around. This needs to be seen and accepted as the basics of mutual wellness in marriages. Man or woman must never treat one’s own wellness as separate from the wellness of his or her partner. Individual wellness must never be considered as competing domains.

Men and women need to see and accept the basic reality that for a man and woman in intimacy and mutuality, wellness is a collective and singular domain – an Inclusive Entity. The individual domains of wellness of husband and wife are so inter-linked, inter-dependent that segregated solutions don’t work. Rather, they are calamitous for the very sustenance of mutuality and intimacy.

Life and living successes are all about this very intricate mechanism of wellness. Men and women need to step out of their individual domains and see and accept the utility of building planks of mutuality and symbiosis in marriage. Man-woman mutuality is huge component of life-living wellness. A man is a man, he has to see and accept. He has to lead. He has the larger onus of success on his shoulders, when it comes to organizing the success of wellness enterprise of mutuality and intimacy. Men surely can do it...

Acceptance, somehow works magic for compatibility and cooperation. Different entities may not necessarily be competitive as complementarities are better with distinct things. This is a difficult acceptance, seems only metaphoric but surely has core pragmatism and practical utility for all of us...

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At The Very Outset…!

Marriage always has to be a special thing for everyone. However, the sad reality is that this world of humanity has many mismanaged contradictions but two things were the most mismanaged. First is marriage and second is the conception of a child – both issues at the core of wellness of both men and women. Almost everyone has seen worst and nastiest of marriages, be it what we popularly term as love marriage or an arranged one.

Globally, the systems of marriages are flawed and the worst managed. One really wonders; how little thought goes over this important issue of humanity. Sure, it seems, humanity has failed in evolving a universally accepted and practically aesthetic system of such a beautiful and important life event as marriage and the more critical necessity of required readiness to welcome a child in the family. When we look at it, we find it to our bewilderment that how humanity has created so much utility and consumption for good life and living but failed miserably in making basic and primary things as good and beautiful. That’s why it needs to be accepted that there is something majorly wrong with our mental training that helped in creating a world order we all have lived in since ages and continue to do so.

Somehow, it seems, there is this general view that Birth, Death and Marriages are beyond human capacities. This ‘Made in Heaven’ psychology seems to have led to this casualness in approaching the three most important events of humanity. That’s why there is so much chaos and mismanagement in these three events. Though, this casualness is also milieu-driven.

Amazing it is that we leave simple things; which we should do ourselves, to God and take up all difficult tasks ourselves. Men would do the unthinkably onerous and difficult tasks of challenging nature and God. Men would walk in space, climb Mount Everest without oxygen, make its own clone and the list is endless. But they never spare few moments for readying themselves for basic things like marriage, birth of their child and their own death. You need to prepare and be in final readiness for marriages and birth. We all need to prepare hard and be very timely in readiness for our deaths.

Tragically, we humans are least prepared and in readiness for the three most essential and basic events of life but spend all our time, energy and resources in readying dispensable utilities and consumptions.

We shall talk later in some detail about being in the conscious state of ‘readiness’, before entering the domain of marriage, however, it is important at the very outset to enlist the need for both man and woman to see, understand and accept that marriage is a huge enterprise and needs loads of preparedness beforehand, so that when marriage happens, the two souls are in perfect readiness for it. Naturally, for that to happen, man and woman must first evolve through a mutuality-mode consciousness. There has to be an acceptance that marriage requires a different state of consciousness, as against the singular individualistic one. It is important that man and woman build up on this symbiotic consciousness by enlisting a ‘Mutuality-Mandate’. How?

For example, a man and woman wrote-up a ‘Constitution’ together of their marriage for both of them to follow. It just reflected of their consciousnesses jointly envisaging, how for them mutuality is going to unravel in their marriage. The constitution reads as:

Preamble: The two rationally endowed people – a woman and a man; physically, mentally and spiritually sound and mature; in decisive and total possession of love and compassion for each other and all; otherwise resourceful and capable of free will and independence of body and mind; hereby declare the aspiration and commitment for an assimilation; fully understanding and accepting the utility and desirability of such a union called marriage to attain the higher purity and purposes of life together; that otherwise is uncalled for. We as woman and man pledge and give ourselves to become wife and husband in absolute humility and inclusive objectivity.

The Constitution then goes on to list the seven pledges –

1. The wife and husband shall strive and ensure, through thought and action that the roles and aspirations of each, as woman and man, are supported and enhanced through collective endeavors in best of meaning and spirit.

2. The wife shall support the husband with total dedication for his endeavors to augment security, peace and organization in the marriage whereas; the husband shall devote himself completely in his wife’s initiatives to enhance the quotient of sanity, civility and beauty in marriage. In case of a conflict, the agenda with larger good shall prevail; otherwise, preference shall be given to latter.

3. Conscious and copious efforts shall be made to design and devise platforms of togetherness and common actions of wife-husband. Individualism needs space within oneself so, there shall be very little physical space left for individual actions. Wife and husband shall be together and do together all possible activities in all possible ways. Togetherness and commonness is the essence of marriage but it does not come naturally to woman and man; necessitating endeavors aimed at its complete integration.

4. The wife and husband shall observe complete transparency in thought and action in matters individual or common. Transparency shall always prevail even as time, space and circumstances necessitate divergence of opinion and action. Wife and husband are exclusive to each other because each one is the only person in front of whom; other can be nakedly transparent in consciousness and still not be ashamed but the happiest. Lack of transparency alone shall be the ground for breach of trust in marriage.

5. Innocence shall rule most matters and decisions in marriage. Intelligence shall always be a back up device; emotional intelligence shall prevail over intelligent emotions. Marriage is an institution of ‘Conscious Choice’ and therefore, visceral and instinctive stupidities shall not be indulged; it shall however be duly assigned its proportionate weight. Innocence shall be the ultimate wisdom of marriage; the wife and husband shall strive to preserve and promote it through their efforts, individual as well as common. The success of marriage is in continuous and copious enhancement of prosperity, defined in terms of the sense of collective well-being. Both wife and husband pledge and accept that the benchmarks for this well-being shall be emotional fulfillment and abundance of innocence.

6. There is a perfect acceptance to the fact between wife and husband that marriage is a small heaven within this infinite universe which is full of conflict, contradiction and resultant violence. The wife and husband therefore pledge and accept that in the heaven of marriage, violence, both of thought and action, shall have no place. All conflicts and contradictions shall therefore be brought up with utmost transparency and listed. The wife and husband hereby agree that such listed issues shall be brought to bilateral discussion only and that too when both are in best of the state of body and mind. Any of the two, who shows first sign of violence of thought, will automatically lose his plea. The concept of collective well-being will be the guiding prudence for resolution of conflicts and contradictions. Non resolution will be preferred if a mutual resolution is not arrived at. The final say however shall be of the wife, in her exclusively individual/bilateral capacity, as sanity falls in her personal side.

7. Love and compassion shall be the core virtue of wife-husband relationship. Even in the worst of situations between wife and husband, in the long journey of married life; the husband shall remain with his wife, in thought and action, as a Father-figure to her. The wife shall, come what may, remain with her husband, in thought and action, as a Mother-figure to him. Marriage can cease to be, love and compassion can never. The wife-husband shall remain mother-father to each other, even in separation, till death lets them apart.

Different couples may have their own version of this constitution of marriage but the simple idea is that both men and women must accept the need of ‘investing’ satisfactory and optimum amount of mutually arrived tangibles and intangibles in ‘mutuality-domain’, as marriage is one hugely crucial ‘enterprise’ of life-living wellness. In action and thought, both men and women must show up this sense of propriety and purpose.

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Let This Sink In…

The man and woman mutuality and the raw element of core intimacy in the marriage are surely no business of ‘intelligence’ of words and language. All elemental and core utility have no words, only the primary sounds and raw acoustics of avowals. The music and dance have little utilities of words and language. The progression of the enterprises of music and dance is a conscious renunciation of the external and an acceptance of the journeys within. Intimacy is a brilliant mix of the best of both music and dance. Surely, it is ultimate artistry to renounce the cultural clutters of the consciousness, when deep in the intimacy music. The ingenuities of man or woman mind positioning needs to be renounced in the progression of intimacy as the music renounces words in its progression. Love and compassion needs a pure and poised higher consciousness…

This is important. People need to be happy and full of life together. Why waste time and energy on a notion, especially the populist cultural version of it, which is a fringe issue and a by-product of something more meaningful. People need to be Together; they need to be in Mutuality-Mode, they need to be Collaborators of Consciousnesses; they need to be Partners in engendering the artistry of life-living wellness and reciprocal excellence.

They surely need to be honest, innocently sincere to the core hypothesis of mutuality and committed to happiness. It is important that the man does not wish to individualize and particularize his emotions of ‘suitability/compatibility’ to his woman. For him, love and compassion should be embedded deep in his higher consciousness and must remain the primary energy of his wellness and happiness. Also, better it is for the woman to accept this hypothesis that marriage is only the ‘seed’ of the ‘tree’ of mutuality, which is evolved and matured with conscious elements of innocence of love and compassion. Men and women must adhere to the raw and bare basics of mutuality. The fringe issues, the peripheral attainments and populist perceptions in relationships should never unsettle the core and cardinal idea and ideology of life-living wellness and excellence.

Life is good, it is so full of beautiful probabilities and each probability unleashes a rainbow of happiness and wellness. It is the honest and innocent enterprise of mutuality, which lends fruition and utility to all mystically marvelous probabilities of wellness and happiness. The man and woman must invest well in the enterprise of mutuality. When the man and the woman are well in happy space of mutuality, the celebrations begin… Everyone is invited…!

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...For Finality Of Fruition

It is not that people await good times, the good times also await good people to come and hoist the potential seeded in the soil of future. Good words also wish for good readers, to be in reception of and be in linearity of the innocent intent, which ride on the shoulders of the words, for the finality of their fruition...

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… On Navigation And Expression Of Intent

There has to be a humble admittance – Any word, however well meant and well spelt, is a possible suspect of misinterpretation. There is a simple reason. People are in different consciousnesses and culturally as well as personally inclined to a specific value-summation of utilities. As a writer, it is a huge temptation to take liberties, with not only imaginations but also with the words, as against their common and popular use. Do kindly accept my latitude with language and personal coinages of words, as I understand, many times, they may not conform to popular usages. I share with you whatever is part of my consciousness. All wisdoms say, what stays with you is what sinks in. Wisdom is what we internalize. I share with you whatever I have internalized in my life. This may not be mainstream stuff; but may have utility in some meaningful way. I believe, as a reader, you shall enjoy this novelty and pleasant awkwardness of the writing.

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Thanks For Your Magnanimity, The First Chapter Begins...

CHAPTER 1

Globally, majority of young men and women have been labeled by employers as ‘unemployable’. This is not new as it was said years back and this is however, not something confined to professionals but all sorts of jobs. However, surveys also reveal that majority of young job doers are happy or reasonably satisfied with their jobs, even when they may like bit of this or that to get better. What does this mean?

First; why we are talking about jobs and ‘un-employability’ of youth? We are supposed to talk about marriage and ‘marriageability’ of young ones! Yes, there is a purpose. This job and employability is a good metaphor to understand the nuances of the contemporary state of marriages and the root cause of troubles in them.

Though there are complexities in the entire blame-game, we can say, the undercurrent is that there seems to be huge gap between what job seekers think and accept as ‘good skills’ and what employers actually seek for good and satisfactory employability. This also means, in our milieus, things may seem nice and easy but the undercurrent is ‘mismanagement’ and ‘stressed-relationships’ between seekers and givers.

At the very outset, when we dig deep into this ‘un-employability’ complaints and actual scenario of the problem, we can see how there are more perceptional issues than real issues at the grassroots. Still, the trouble remains constant and gap seems to be widening between expectations about ‘idealism’ and availability of ‘realism’.

When we apply this paradigm to other milieus – this work space realism to social or familial space, we can easily see the realism is same bitter, stressed and mismanaged. Why and How?

From the point of view of modern-day marriage-needs and roles of men and women in them, even when there is no valid survey or no specific social research data to quote, the reality, which is there but not accepted is – a majority of young men are ‘unmarriageable’! May be, there are also good numbers of young women, who may well also qualify as ‘unmarriageable’ too…!

The realism in marriages, like in work space is –

Majority of young ‘eligible’ men, when they look at ‘marriage job’, they think and act like ‘employers’ and blame most modern young women as ‘unemployable’ (unmarriageable). Similarly, as women are also now ‘equal’ stake-holders in the ‘company’ or enterprise of marriage, they too think and act as ‘employers’ and also label most men as ‘unemployable’ (unmarriageable). Both may be right, if not entirely then at least majorly…

Now, the bigger issue is why employers feel that vast majority of employees are ‘unemployable’? They cite the biggest trouble as – The engineers or other graduates have good educational degrees and high scores with good institutions but they have little ‘hand-on’ skills and experiences, which modern complex enterprises require.

A very senior and reputed doctor in India said on national media that majority of young doctors, especially from private medical colleges cannot perform a normal child delivery as they are not provided ‘hands-on’ training exposure to it. This trouble is however, not confined to doctors and engineers.

Secondly, industry complains that most of young professionals have poor ‘soft-skill’ repertoire. This soft skill is critical modern-day need in enterprises which have complex work milieus and high stakes at quality maintenance to compete in global market supply scenario.

The employers also have major issues with the attitudes of young men and women. The youth on the other hand are complaining too, though overall feeling happy about the job they are assigned. Their take is that companies are not investing appropriately on their training, working conditions, etc. So, the trouble is not superficial, rather deep-rooted but still, not 100 percent real as we can clearly see, majority of issues in the problem are ‘perceptional’ – gap between perceptions of the two sides.

The same trouble is in marriages in all countries. This lack of ‘hands-on’ skills and ‘soft-skills’ are also major destroyers of marriages. Though there are no valid data from either government or private groups, individual researches maintain that three chief reasons for growing troubles in contemporary marriages all over the modern milieus are –

1. Impulse Marriages – Both men and women not being sure why they are marrying!

2. Women Empowerment – Average men not having ‘hand-on’ skills to understand and accept this new empowerment of modern working women and average women in turn not having ‘soft-skills’ and ‘hand-on’ skills to be sure, which way they need to install and operate the intangibility of their empowerment for personal as well as larger wellness…

3. Complexity Of Relationships – Modern liberal socio-cultural milieus have offered options and variety to both men and women in choices of relationships and intimate partners. This is still very new, novel and evolving. Modern world has witnessed huge change in attitudes towards sex, intimacy and relationships. As young financially independent women are availing these options and variety now, which even men were unable to enjoy in past, all traditional perceptions and realism about relationships are precarious and unsettled. However, most young men do not wish to see and accept this new realism and many women are unsure about how to handle their new-found ‘optionability’…!

Like job market, modern economic enterprises have changed drastically and in them, jobs require a different set of skills, which are not being imparted by educators. Same with marriages. We need to understand it. The employers want ‘Industry-ready’ employees and do not want to invest time and money on training young employees, as per their specific needs. Employers complain that educational institutions have syllabuses and educational standards, which are not ‘Industry-Oriented’.

The youth however have good reasons to complain that most employers have bias against them and usually employers have ‘misconceptions’ about contemporary ‘youth-attitudes’ and youth-orientations’.

Almost similar is the situation in matrimonial domain. And, this is not only a modern day trouble but has been there since ages. Men were traditionally in the seat of ‘employers’ and they always complained about ‘poor employability’ of women in marriages. Most men, as ‘employers’, wish to have a ‘ready-to-go’ employee. They are already marrying late and have little time and space to accept and allow that in all employer-employee relationship, time and space need to be invested appropriately to work out excellence and optimality. Many modern working women, who are now financially independent, also find themselves in the seat of ‘employees’. They apply the same stupid benchmarks about ‘employability’.

Naturally, over 80% men and women are both ‘unemployable’ as well as ‘unmarriageable’…! Still, all such ‘unemployables’ are doing their jobs, earning good salaries from the very ‘unsatisfied’ employers and are happy too! Same with marriages…

We all – both men and women, especially the young men and women who are in marriageable age, have to understand and accept that marriage is one huge and very critical life-living enterprise for wellness and happiness. We all need to accept that even few decades back, when it was said that marriages were ‘happy-ones’ with almost negligible cases of divorces, in reality most marriages were in acute trouble. However, as women then were not ‘empowered’ and society was very unfavorable to women opting for dissent in marriages, let alone divorce, there was this misnomer that then the marriages were successful. Marriages have always been stressed and in poor management, like employability.

This realism leads both men and women to understand and accept two critical points –

1. Marriages always needed huge preparations and great personal skills from both men and women for its success. In human history, not only marriages, rather all man-woman relationships have always been very stressed and conflicted. Now in contemporary world, where life-living has become more complex and tough, more and better ‘hands-on’ and ‘soft’ skills are required for marriages to be and remain successful. Trouble is – marriages now need more skills, men and women however have less ‘hands-on’ preparedness and readiness. Moreover, as most elements of the trouble are ‘perceptional’, both sides – men and women are equal culprits of not seeing and accepting the realism.

2. Empowerment is a two-edged sword. As empowerment is an intangibility, not a tangible thing, which both men and women think as, we all, especially men have to accept that more personal skills are required to be invested in handling intimate relationships. Men have to dig deep into women’s mind and women too need to check out how and why they install and operate this ‘empowerment’ in everything tangible or intangible, they associate with their person and personality…

Globally, those companies are doing excellently, who believe in work as partnership and symbiotic enterprise of humanity. There is no employer and no employee when it comes to good work. There are just partners, who together sit and understand each other, respect each other’s needs and sensitivities, work out structures for excellence and invest on each other – not only tangibles but primarily intangibles. Marriages are also enterprise of partnership, where best of synergies are required. The blame game must be replaced by mutuality with high emotional investments and accentuated mutual respect for each other’s sensitivities.

Excellence is a tough institution. Just because a man has sperm and a woman has eggs, they cannot and should not qualify to be a father and mother. Similarly, being a husband and being a wife is no automatic eligibility. You have to work it out well to qualify for the position. There may be some automatic positions of ‘eligibility’, however, to be truly ‘qualified’ for the same position is a tough challenge. We need to look at excellence of ‘qualifications’ and stop taking ‘eligibility’ as granted. Marriage is a great enterprise; both men and women need to get to it that this job gets done well…

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CHAPTER 2

To be young is a blessing and being young comes with a package. Somehow, as youth energy is high-flow realism, often, a trouble or a crucial question of life and living gets blown out of proportion at the hands of young. As marriage has growingly become a complex issue and as growing number of marriages are facing troubles, this perception is being made out in populist psyche that Young Men And Women Are Reluctant To Get Married…!” Is it so?

Somehow, the right or logically appropriate answer is still evolving as the question itself is just in its inception or perceptionally disproportionate. Still, the talk is everywhere that young ones are not very inclined to marriage, especially young women, who are empowered and independent!

Before we attempt to answer this evolving question, let us first spare some precious time for a passage below, which shall probably help in delving into the perspectives of the question. No question of life is isolated from other questions. That is why, a holistic perspective about life-living and milieus may be rightfully appropriate here to understand the nature and scope of the question at hand as why it is being made out that The Young Men And Women Are Reluctant To Get Married…

Do kindly let the passage below sink in… what sinks in, stays…

“The dawn was still processing its registry… the birds had though geared up for the day… flowers stirring and looking eastward set to welcome their beloved Sun…. A boy was awake too, marshalling his goats. She could clearly hear him singing in his pastoral best shrieking tone…

“She sat by the window of her house watching and enjoying the blank sky. The grey sky would gradually turn crimson and finally golden. The darkness of the sky was what she was enjoying. She had a feeling it would look wonderful as and when dawn would herald its inevitable arrival...

“She reminisced and smiled. How many times in her life, she found and cherished loads of purposes. She smiled because she realized how important stupidities of life are... how they extend you the chance to be wise. How people miss the relevance of stupidities as catalyst of wisdom.

“She recalled the efforts and pain she had to invest in the preparedness for attaining her purposes at different stages of her life. And look at the brilliance of the conspiracy of almighty; whenever she prepared hard and meticulously for a purpose she wanted to attain, she would invariably fail. She would feel bad, low and frustrated about the wastage of her investments. Most of her successes however came when she had done the least preparation and was not even sure of the purpose...

“She had finally accepted; preparation and purpose had a strange relationship. She wished to come to terms with the realization that preparation for a purpose is a misnomer. The preparedness is required for something, which is uncertain. Her father would often tell her – ‘Hope for the best and be prepared for the worst’. She realized it that what is certain and a definite purpose is what falls in the realm of hope. Preparedness is required for what is uncertain and does not form a purpose. If preparedness and purpose were linear realities, there would have been far more success stories on earth. Success remains as handful exceptions… success has traditionally been referred to as object of desire, hope and dreams. The real world faces the trouble that failures are the rule and most people are least prepared for it….

“She realized; one needs to be in the state of ‘readiness’, not for a specific purpose but as life in general. One needs not to ‘prepare’ but to be ‘ready’. Readiness itself is the larger purpose for all preparedness. Preparedness is only a process whereas readiness is the end product; the final destination. The readiness is required not only for failures but also for successes. Handling success is more tedious task than handling failures. Success requires larger readiness.

“She smiled as she realized she had attained readiness. When you attain, you go blank. The zero is the highest point of readiness. She thanked the almighty for bestowing upon her a series of crises and loads of stupidities … this journey to zero was necessary. She however prayed that the wisdom of zero remained with her. She wished to continue with her ‘readiness’ and not be part of any ‘preparedness’ in future.

“She had realized her stupidity. The road ahead was clear to her. She had gone past the fear factor in her life. And, the readiness, the ultimate and exalted beingness was just beyond the confines of the fear factor. She remembered, how since childhood, she struggled to conquer a series of fears she thought she was born with. She grew up demolishing them but only to realize that she had added more fears than she overpowered.

“The existential fears were replaced by fears that society offloaded on her. She grew up accepting so many benchmarks of successes and goodness that her family, her peer group, her seniors, icons and leaders lined up for her to follow. She grew up preparing hard to win all the benchmarks and in time got more apprehensive of failures and loses.

“Even successes that came when she expected them the least, made her bury deeper in the abyss of fear. Each success only stretched the benchmarks and prolonged the process of preparedness. The fear never went away; rather it grew up engulfing her beingness totally. She could not understand the elusiveness of the state of readiness; a stage after reaching where she could say she had finally arrived. She could not understand the hydra-headedness of the fear; that no doubt egged her to higher stage of preparedness but never allowed her the basic urge of a lasting satisfaction. She had even started believing that life is a never-ending ‘preparedness-struggle’ for the elusive satisfaction of ‘readiness’…

“The state of zero, the state of quintessential readiness, the state of unattached consciousness made her realize for the first time what wins all fears. It taught her to rise above the process of preparedness to the ultimate stage of readiness. She truly understood why she felt fearless. When it happens; all good and cherished ideals of humanity fall in your lap, they fill your being. It embodies all goodness – honesty, innocence, transparency, selflessness and egolessness and above all the compassion.

“It does the magic…. It makes the willful merger of individualism into the collectivity; the individuality of ‘I’ dissolving into the collectivity of ‘us’. It fills the heart and mind with compassion and when compassion plays the music in the heart, all cherished ideals and goodness of humanity get drawn into the mind. The fear goes away the next moment as this happens. She thanked the almighty for making her understand the fear factor and its dynamics.

“Readiness leads you to the door…. the entry point of zero but then, you have to step ahead to be into the zero. Every human being is blessed to attain this readiness as all human beings are given at least one chance to experience it.

“To the blessed ones is revealed the music of compassion…

“… It leads one to the ultimate empowerment of self – the ability to forgive. When forgiveness becomes the first instinct, it is a sure sign that the stage of readiness has been attained. The forgiveness is attaining the blank, the zero, the ultimate empowerment, the readiness. You accept nothing - no pride, no self, no ego, no ‘I’ and you give everything as you forgive....”

… Thanks for your patience to go through the passage above.

Now, we come back to our question at hand. This metaphor about two key terms of life-living, in response to the milieus we all live in –

1. Preparedness

2. Readiness

These two elements of consciousness may be applied to marriages and their overall supposition of being a difficult terrain. It may help…

Ideally, falling in love is somehow option-less as it is instinctive. We are definitively wired to be in perpetuity of love. That is why, falling in love needs no readiness. It is beyond choice and conscious decision and that is why, almost everyone is in love or wishes to be in love. Being in love is akin to being in the stage of ‘preparedness’.

However, opting to get marriage is not visceral. It is always a conscious choice, unlike love. We all feel and accept that love happens, it is not done or made to happen. Marriage however, does not happen; it has to be made to happen. Definitively, marriage is the stage of ‘readiness’.

This preparedness and readiness dualism itself is the cause of our question – this disinclination towards marriage. We all are very well aware that even this instinctive love is so much infested with precarious emotions, unsettled behavior-action and often some inexplicable pains. This surely stands as a big factor to feel a strange ‘fear’ for the inevitability called marriage.

It is rather interesting that most young men and women seldom admit that they are averse to marriage. However, what they do is – ‘Procrastination Politics’. They all are finding enough implicit or explicit causes to procrastinate marriage decision.

This procrastination attitude itself points out to the fact that there is a lurking ‘fear-factor’ (about definitive ‘success’ of an ‘enterprise’), not only about love and marriages but also about many key decisions of life. This procrastination is the precarious personality positioning of a mind consciousness, which somehow stands trapped in ‘mismanagement of fears’. The young ones can handle ‘fear’ but they are procrastinating as this head-on desire to ‘manage fear’ is missing. We all know and accept that there is victory beyond fear, but the procrastination to step beyond it takes control.

If we begin to list cause for this procrastination attitude, there can be a list, which may be endless. However, the core causality is what the above metaphor about ‘preparedness’ and ‘readiness’ lists as.

I humbly repeat what has been said above – The ultimate empowerment of self, the definitive ‘readiness’ in life is – The Ability To Forgive. And, this is gender-neutral. No doubt, not only love and marriages, but in all our relationships, we and others can commit mistakes. We are all humans and we do err. However, we all need to arrive at the stage of ‘Readiness’ – This compassionate consciousness, which is empowered with the ability to forgive. Attitude towards success needs more compassion than attitude towards failures.

When forgiveness becomes the first instinct, it is a sure sign that the stage of readiness has been attained. The forgiveness is attaining the blank, the zero, the ultimate empowerment, the readiness. You accept nothing - no pride, no self, no ego, no ‘I’ and you give everything as you forgive....

As this happens, love is divine and marriage becomes this abode of resplendent readiness. As this happens, we all shall begin to accept that neither love, nor marriage, nor any relationship is the cause of trouble. The primary and core trouble is our own lack of ‘readiness’. We all need to arrive at the stage of ‘Readiness’ – This Compassionate Consciousness…

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CHAPTER 3

Since long, may be 5000 years back, the wise of humanity have kept reminding us of something core and cardinal to human lives and that is – there is a definitive cyclicality, an unavoidable causality between milieu and consciousness. This means, your consciousness is affected by change of tangible and intangible ‘elements’ in the milieu you live and the collective consciousnesses and unconsciousnesses in turn change the milieus…

This is the primary energy in all changes in individual thinking, perceptions as well as socio-cultural acceptance. If we accept this premise, we can decipher all emerging and established social and cultural norms and changes.

In contemporary social and cultural milieus of modern human living, it is being made out by psychologists as well as common people that trends in marriages are changing fast and younger generation is growingly being ‘averse’ to marriages, ‘commitments’ and ‘responsibilities’ in intimate relationships…

Now, if we accept the above-mentioned premise, we can also accept that such a notion is arguably just a ‘perception’, more being ‘made out’ than ‘actually is’. How and why?

Any perception, be it individual or social, is a precarious and ever-evolving mix of grains of truth and elements of illusions. Most ‘perceptions’ can therefore be termed as ‘Trullusions’ – mix of grains of truth and illusions. This happens because human brain has this natural mechanism to arrive at a judgment and decision, even when facts and concrete data for the same is not available. Such judgments are ‘perceptions’…

For a population of billions of young men and women all over the globe in different social and cultural milieus, it is impossible to have a truth and reality, based on concrete facts and data about marriages and intimate relationships among youth. What therefore comes out in media or in popular talks is varied forms of perception – ‘Trullusions’.

Like, even if we accept the data that 50% marriages end up in divorce in USA, it cannot be derived from this fact that people are growingly becoming averse to marriages. The issue of divorce involves many elements of personal and socio-cultural domains and therefore, for a holistic fact, all aspects must be presented with concrete data, which is never available…

The idea is; the assertion that young people are growingly becoming averse to marriages and are wary of ‘lasting commitments’ in intimate relationships, is essentially a ‘juicy slice’ out of the bigger fruit of contemporary consciousness in modern milieus. This is much like the ‘un-employability’ perception, we talked about earlier. This we need to talk about when we create perceptions about modern youth, their perceptions, their life-living choices, their mindsets and overall consciousnesses…

We all first need to accept – Modern age is the age of skepticism. Why and how?

The new millennium has heralded the crumbling of many old and established rules of life and living. In all domains of life-living, one thing, which has energized this skepticism is growing liberty and evolving empowerment of all minds, be it poor or rich, man or woman, high or low. The driver of this energy is science and technology, not ‘perceptions’. The energy of liberty and empowerment is expressed in the singular domain of ‘inquisitiveness’. An empowered and liberated person – man or woman, shall definitively do the common thing – that is, questioning everything, which he or she is faced with. This is because liberty and empowerment comes through energy of questioning the status quo…!

The entire idea of empowerment of modern people, especially the young is aimed at singular common desire – Excellence and brilliance. The young people are inquisitive, they are skeptical, they tear apart all status quoism because they are not willing to accept anything mediocre and ‘just okay’. This is something humanity must rejoice…

The contemporary youth must not be labeled as in ‘denial-mode’ of established currency. Rather, what they are doing is questioning the utility, worth and validity of all premises of old-established order, not exclusively for personal pride but also for singular attainment of ‘excellence’. Yes, it may be admitted that there are sure troubles with this contemporary youth attitude and the way it is handled.

Globally, most troubles of humanity are not because of corruption but because of mediocrity. Youth are only ‘averse’ to mediocrity. Because; for modern achievers of contemporary times; ‘just okay’ won’t do. Mediocrity is not acceptable. Only the optimum should and would do, if not the best…!

Somehow, this may be labeled as ‘seed-trouble’ of idea and idealism of ‘empowerment’. As this empowerment idea and idealism is new and still evolving, there are teething troubles, which are there but often, blown out of proportion…

So, if modern youth, especially the young women are skeptical about marriages, as they are in old-established mould, they are essentially just being inquisitive, for the sake of not ‘denial’ of marriages but for ‘excellence’ of marriages. They just are averse to the mediocrity, which marriages have generally been in human history. As contemporary marriages have come out of the old mould yet the new shape is still precarious, the skepticism of youth about utility and righteousness of marriage is only natural.

As we talked earlier, when men were the exclusive ‘employer’, they sought ‘excellence’ in ‘employees’ they wished to hire. Now that women have this new found status of turning into ‘employer’, she also does the same. Naturally, this age-old ‘market-dynamics’ of marriages have changed. There are employers and employees with different sentiments and attitudes than what it used to be. As there shall always be ‘perceptional-difference’ and ‘mindset-gap’ between employer and employee, the stress in marriage is bound to be there and even aggrandized. New mould of marriage is still evolving and the contemporary chaos looks like there but is surely transitional.

Naturally, this energy, its process and mechanism is not as ideally streamlined and as symmetrical, as one would desire but then, it is early days of this contemporary evolution towards excellence and fight against mediocrity.

The cardinal wisdom is – Modern youth shall have to see and accept that mediocrity has a rule and a pattern. Contemporary youth, who wish to avoid mediocrity and accept excellence in life and living need to see and accept that mediocrity creeps in, when we make choices and decisions in life, based on ‘perceptions’ and partial (sliced) truths and realism. Excellence is established when we make choices and decisions based on definitive data, factsheets and holistic perspectives.

Therefore, the very energy of skepticism must be directed against ‘perceptions’, ‘part truths’ and what we earlier mentioned as ‘Trullusions’. Skepticism should not stop till data and facts are arrived at…

Marriages, relationships, career, family, social behavior, all actions must never be decided on ‘Trullusions’ but singularly on definitive data and irrefutable facts. And, as we all live in a world, which is in big transition – remnants of old order still lingering and new social order still taking shape; the youth have to observe poise, patience and perseverance in their attitude and demeanor. When things are evolving, we have to be more wary of trullusions and wait patiently for new, objective facts to emerge.

Thankfully, in most societies, there are people, who are collating facts and coming up with quantitative realism in all walks of social life, which helps us shed populist perceptions. Marriages and their troubles are now not new and now we have enough facts to delve deep into the definitiveness of realism of marriages.

Current researches list that divorce rates are highest among couples in their 20s. By far the highest divorce rates have been among men and women aged 25-29. Almost half of divorces happen in the first 10 years of marriage, and the rate is especially high between the fourth and eighth anniversary.

The researches attempt to pin down the chief perpetrator of stress and strangulation of marriages. There are so many reasons and they may seem varied but when we zero down on the core common causes, some interesting but very predictable causes come up for conscious deliberation. As the causes are perceptible and common, this surely is the cause of celebration, for we all can skip those ‘troubles’ and enhance marital bliss and life span…

In the research, the common factors, that came up as chief elements responsible for divorce are –

1. Most young ones, especially in their 20s are not sure of their own ‘self’. The key questions as what they want of their lives – especially in the long run or next ten years, what they think their personality and perspectives are, are still unanswered and this makes love and marriage precarious…

2. Most men and women in their 20s do not know much about what love truly is and how it unravels in human minds. They are very much fascinated by the mysticism and marvel of love but uncertain about what love means and what love entails. Naturally, marriages also land in uncertain domain…

3. Most men and women, even after 20s are unaware about what marriage means and what it takes to make marriages successful. The romantic ideas and love necessities are always on the front and marriage and its nuances are not discussed enough and properly…

A respondent in the research survey said – ‘I was too young to understand what marriage meant. In your 20s, you think you’re an adult and in control of your life, but you’re basically an idiot. You don’t have the self-knowledge you think you do.’

He added – There are learning which comes only after a disaster hits you. What I can accept and practice in my second marriage never even existed in my mind and probably I could never have accepted then. Now I do as, accepting something as first virtue is very tough but practicing them as secondary prudence is easy…

Another respondent stressed on the need and failure of communication, especially the forms that communication takes, before and after marriage. She says – ‘When I remarried, my main priority was to establish that I and my new husband could manage differences fairly and with compassion. I asked, are you open to talking about it? Could we be honest, and could we be vulnerable? Because that’s what everyone wants in a friendship. It’s also what everyone wants in a marriage. Not only was I not capable of that at 21, I didn’t even know it existed.’

Interestingly, a respondent raised a basic question. She said, ‘What is love? This was the most searched question on Google in 2012, followed in 2013 by what is twerking? There are probably as many answers as there are searches. One answer is that it might not be what we think it is, if we think about it at all. We never talked about whether we loved each other, or what love meant. We sort of unawaringly ran away from that question.’

Many respondents listed the importance of knowing ‘I’ or self well, before entering marriage. ‘Who are you? What do you want to do with your life? And what exactly are they?’, a respondent said. He said this question is not only for self but also for the person you love and wish to marry.

These questions reflect about the core personality of a person and while people can change a bit, the fundamental person is probably always still there. That is why, it is very important that you know the core personality of both well – yourself and the person you love and wish to marry…

That is why communication before marriage about the journeys ahead is crucial. Both man and woman must ask each other – What you want in the coming 10 years from now and how liberal or dogmatic you are about their attainment. The answers must be true and then both man and woman can clearly see what are common and compatible in them and what not, which can grow in time and invite disaster…

The simple idea is – Acquisition of knowledge is a troubling process, however, knowledge empowers truly and life’s core and critical enterprises like love and marriages should always follow the trajectory of knowledge and communication of this knowledge. No acquisition and attainment can have lasting worth and utility if not aligned with persevered enterprise.

To sum up things in a happy note, someone said, ‘Marriages may be made in heaven but so are thunders and lightening.’ Therefore, earthy prudence must never leave the heavenly postulations…

**

CHAPTER 4

So, this key element in readiness for all good things in life-living, more especially love and marriages is this element called communication. However, expression of intent, communication of conundrum of expression of intent; worst, the appropriate wording and grammar of the above, when faced with the urgency and situational optionlessness, is not only some artistry, which most people do not have and they are not even apologetic about. Rather, it is a genuinely and very definitively a science, very few people have mastered and crafted well. Why?

The first reason is – humanity has not yet admitted that a human is essentially a stupid mind consciousness, caught in a rather dubiously problematic body, both of which are the scary and scamming design of something scientists call a ‘stupid engineering’ – Yes, this evolution…!

Secondly, and more specifically, humanity has not yet accepted with humility and egolessness that expression and communication is not purely some artistry, rather a tough science. This is so because, expression of intent and communication of thoughts involves our brain mechanism and our brain is a stupid design and not a singular body but a precarious cooperative or summation of many part organs. Till humanity in general accepts that brain has its own limitations and expression is not only an ‘outgoing’ trouble but primarily an ‘incoming’ problem, communication shall remain as troubled as it is and resultantly, relationships shall remain cluttered and confounded…!

Let us understand this Incoming & Outgoing ‘im-Pression and ex-pression’ signaling system and spectrum scam of the human brain. This shall help in improving everything – all aspects of communication and intent-expression. Relationship success, especially in love is all about ‘conflict-resolutions’ between two people in love and communication is always the culprit. Better understanding of communication helps love and relationship intimacies…

At the very outset, most of us have this express need to see and accept the cardinal role of human language evolution in creation and evolution of our consciousness – This ephemeral but very universal sense of subjective ‘I’. Human cognition – this sense of seeing and accepting realism and judging right and wrong, is largely a subject and function of languages humanity has created and developed. The language we speak and write is very important tool for our brain to work out our cognitive world. We can simply say – A human with faulty and screwed up linguistic sense and system is almost like a beast, who shall not only make other’s life hell on this planet but also that of his or her own ‘self’.

Science confirms, human brain evolved to present stage of consciousness and cognition, primarily because at a point of time, it evolved and developed language system and linguistic skills. Or, in other words, human brain could evolve to such a point, where it could develop linguistic skills, which led to contemporary consciousness of humanity.

What you see, which conveys into your brain as neuron signals are useless for your cognition, unless you have learnt a commensurate word and its phonetic sound. The red apple you see is not what it is for you unless you already know two words and its sound – Red and Apple. In languages, sounds are more important than written things. Our brain mechanism recognizes sound first and then correlates it with picture images of eyes. Therefore, not only language, but words pronounced well and right is core and basic to our cognitive brilliance…

This cognitive world of languages and their connection with how we use the memories and experiences of our brain states is some huge knowledge, vast majority of humans do not even know, let alone accept it. Your brain, especially this vast space in subconscious mind states, stores almost billions of bits of information, which your five senses supply incessantly and also what your thought process inputs. The stored memories and experiences are your lifeline, not for excellence only but very survival. However, when you need a memory or experience to help you at times of need, you have to ‘recall’ them, from different layers of your brain/mind consciousness. This ‘recall’ mechanism works right and accurate only when you have stored them well in your brain and created right pathways for them to reach to you, when you ‘recall’ them. Often, the very ‘cue’ (the brain pathways), which brain accepts for ‘recall’ is so abstract and poorly constructed that either it does not get recalled at all. Or, it is recalled with vague and mixed up facts…

It is like, you go to a library and ask the librarian for a specific book. The librarian says that the book is very much there in the library but where it is stacked he does not recall well and so it may take some time. May be, many hours later, he gives you another book, which may be similar but not the same one. However, a smart librarian, who has catalogued his books well, shall recall within seconds that the said book is in second floor and in the third row of the fifth column of books. Within a minute, you shall find the book. It is all about smart stacking, efficient cataloguing and brilliant placement, which makes ‘recall’ happen in quick and good way. When the ‘cue’ is right, the ‘recall’ happens. If not then…!

It is all about how we stack and catalogue our memories, experiences, learning and information in our brain. This smart stacking and cataloguing is a function of how brilliantly we have mastered the language we speak and write, especially the spoken language. Wrong spellings, wrong pronunciation, wrong handwritten stuff and we mesh up the ‘cue’ and ‘recall’. That is why, expression of intent and communication of thoughts is poorly available to most of us as we all have not yet accepted that language and its good learning is core element of our cognition and consciousness…

Tragically, in modern times and in contemporary cultures, language learning is at its worst. How people speak, write and pronounce are virtual nightmare for most of us. Modern technology has only aggravated our linguistic slavery and stupidities. A survey says, average American uses only 24 words in his daily life. Shakespeare had a vocabulary of 6000 words. Even these 24 words are not meaningful words as more than half the vocabulary out of this 24 are slangs, sexual abuses and cuss words. It surely is not cool to say ‘cool’ as answer to every question you are asked. Humans are stupid pool of emotions and every shade of emotion needs different mode of expressions. In absence of such a communication skill, relationships become conflicted.

It is surely not rocket science to see and accept as why expression of intent, communication of conundrum of expression of intent; worst, the appropriate wording and grammar of the above, when faced with the urgency and situational optionlessness, is the prime and universal trouble for many young men and women. The corollary of this trouble reflects very poorly on the ability of average young men and women to even see and accept realism. Poor and bad linguistic abilities have affected the very storage of memories and experiences in brains. Naturally, recall is vague, abstract and impossibly out of target. This rather engenders poor cognition abilities and abstracted consciousnesses. This leads to life-living decisions based on trullusions, not facts.

The contemporary times have seen growing ‘incoming’ trouble of this storage of ideas. Naturally, the ‘outgoing’ signals are also bad and poor. As the ‘Im-pression’ is faulty and scammed’, the ‘Ex-pression’ is only suitably more scammed and scary…

Communication is critical element in all aspects of life-living wellness. As marriage is at the very core of everyone’s wellness spectrum, artistry of communication happens to be very important for success of marriage. Then, we all must also accept that communication is not only about expressions through languages we speak. Communication is about how the ‘self’, this very consciousness of ‘I’ stands to relate with everything in our milieu – both internal and external. Expression of self, communication with self and its relation with milieus are important personal readiness for men and women. Before you are ready and qualified, it is stupidity to enter the domain of love and marriage. Most human enterprises fail because of this stupidity of ‘I’, which the self is adamant to validate as intelligence. This we need to unlearn…

**

CHAPTER 5

The person, you Love, has to be in perfect and profound wellness poise, otherwise, he or she shall never be in a consciousness of complete and perfect assimilation and integration, which love’s mutuality shall demand. Moreover, marriage is far more and deeper domain of consciousness collaboration.

The person, you love is not some other subject or object you think you hold dear and like. The fact is – the person you love is essentially the image of your own subject, your own self or consciousness, seeking another medium than your own body-mind to extend its domain. This is the expression of your intangible homeostasis need. It is therefore only natural that he or she, whom you love, has to be a willing and highly navigable media, for easy and smooth assimilation into your ‘self-image’.

When two people in love are two brilliant, settled, poised, navigable, compassionately accommodative and malleable ‘media’, it shall be smooth and systemic assimilation of the two ‘selfs’ and two shall finally evolve to become one singular and symmetrical consciousness. This is the true success of love.

Only two higher consciousnesses can merge and melt into one consciousness…

Classical wisdom of Oriental spiritualism said – ‘Only generic and similar elements can have lasting relationship with each other. Therefore, for lasting wellness in intimate relationship, it is crucial that both man and woman have commonality of elements in their consciousnesses. If not, then mutuality enterprise is all about evolving together towards this commonality…

When this merger and assimilation happens, the two separate and exclusive ‘wellness needs’ become one singular and larger homeostasis. This ‘homeostatic love’ can never fail; it shall be the infinite success symmetry.

The onus of all these beautiful processes and evolution for the ultimate success of the ‘venture of love’ is on you. It is first your own preparedness, your own readiness for the start of the ‘venture’. It is also your responsibility to ensure that your special someone is also in the same state of readiness and even later evolves together.

Never ever take love casually. You already know it, how love is so intrinsically and cardinally associated with your wellness poise. Love’s success can make your life. However, if love flops, it has a calamitous impact on you as it has the fatal effect of threatening your wellness homeostasis, which is essentially your larger sense of survival. That is why we need huge readiness for love and finality of marriage.

Always remember, mutuality in love is never a readymade equity, it is always made together with conscious elements of persevered enterprise.

There is this very populist idea of ‘soul-mate’, which presents a case as why every individual in love should put more premium on ‘personal-inputs’, rather than ‘readymade’ compatibilities.

It is a reality which many believe is unbelievable. Yet, the fact is that 73% of Americans believe in inevitability of the idea and pragmatism of soul-mates. A survey few years back points out –

• More men than women believe that they are destined to find their one, true soul-mate (males: 74%, females: 71%).

• 79% of people younger than 45 believe in soul-mates, while only 69% of those over 45 do.

The data may be of America but it seems, there may be a similar factsheet almost everywhere. The factsheet apart, psychologists say that this belief of soul-mate is a huge trap. They say; if you believe that there is only one person for you, you are more likely to spend energy and time looking for that person instead of cultivating an existing relationship or a possible one.

Psychologists say, Destiny Believers have passionate, intense, short-term relationships, but often they become disillusioned and frustrated when something inevitably goes wrong. They believe in ‘deal-breakers’ and are constantly looking for the ‘perfect’ person. When something negative happens in the relationship they think, “Better move on and find my person.”

Growth Believers take a bit longer to commit. Even early in the relationship they are more motivated to find solutions, compromise or explore new ideas. They often view compromising as growth. When something negative happens in the relationship they think, “Better sit together and work this out.”

Psychologists say; people who believe in romantic destiny (soul mates) primarily look for positive emotional reactions and initial compatibility with a partner. They believe people either "click" and are meant to be, or they don't and should move on.

People who believe in romantic growth (cultivation) primarily look for someone who will work and grow with them, resolving conflicts as they arise. They believe that relationships can evolve with hard work and compromise, even in difficult situations. It is more like instituting more faith in power of personal as well as mutual investment of common sense than believing blindly in ‘destiny’ or readymade ‘Made-For-Each-Other’ eventuality…

So, what surveys and psychologists point out is – Overall, the message is clear, looking for perfect compatibility and a soul mate kills motivation to work at successful relationships with good partners. In the long run, adopting a belief in romantic growth and cultivation is much more rewarding, especially for those interested in long-term relationships.

Compared to soul mates, a belief in growth does take more work, effort, and a desire to change. So, to truly have a satisfying relationship, an individual must not only give up the search for a "perfect" partner, but also be willing to admit they are not always "perfect just as they are" as well. Only then can two people work together, grow, evolve, and meet each other's needs in the long run.

The psychologies apart, the crucial question is – It is not that people, especially young people do not know what the psychologists are pointing out. They too accept that nobody is perfect and growth in relationship is in evolving with whatever is at hand. Still, the key question is why such an overwhelming majority of 73 percent believe in inevitability of soul-mate?

It seems, it is somehow another shade of contemporary consciousness, which seems to be working towards this end. Psychologists may like to work on this shade of subconscious attitude, which works in favour of soul-mate. It is however a humble suggestion. People may check it out with their own consciousness and ask, is that true?

What seems to work behind this overwhelming soul-mate idealism is probably a contemporary sense of ‘empowerment’. We have talked about it as why both men and women, especially young, feel that they are now empowered and endowed and that is why they deserve nothing but best in their lives. They are brand aware and look for ‘fine-fit’ or to say the ‘best-fit’ in their lives. They feel, not any job would do but only that job is the option which ‘I want’ for myself. Not any car or any house would do. Only that would do, what ‘best-fits’ my current life-living position and status.

This ‘best-fit’ is deeply ingrained in the subconscious mind and we all feel, we have attained this much, we have done the hard-work and we deserve nothing but best. There is one something, which is right for me. This only shall do, not any fit shall do.

Once a girl said, ‘I am a scientist and I simply cannot think of my soul-mate being anything but a better scientist...!’ This syndrome of only the ‘best-fit’ for me seems to be behind this insistence over soul-mate.

A soul-mate is nothing but a perfect-fit or the ‘best-fit’ for me. The idea of a soul-mate is a ‘rigidity’ of worldview, which refuses to accept any fit. It insists on and is unapologetic about anything but the ‘best-fit’. This is calamitous. Compatibility and what we term as ‘fitting’ is seldom a physical or tangible idea. It is rather an intangible idea. Compatibilities are not in similarities but assimilation. Two similar things may not be compatible. Compatibilities are rather seldom ‘readymade’. It is evolved together when two people accept the cardinal idea of assimilation of higher consciousness. For assimilation, there has to be a critical quality of malleability and plasticity. And, this malleability is not in physicality but intangibility of higher consciousness…

**

CHAPTER 6

In what could well be accepted as a larger good of not only humanity but all creatures on this planet earth is a clichéd – One single thing which everyone wants, in varying quotients, is love. As human ingenuity would have it, there are equal counterweights to it. This does not make life any bit simple and buttery. The popular refrain, it may not be but, true it is that people usually are Too Difficult To Be Loved…!

It is not rare to find people who are really musical, beautiful, endowed in many senses and above all, desirable of the thing called love. Still, all these do not make it any less difficult; why?

There is a huge plexus of battling nerves and conflicting-struggling attitudes – a complex psychology to get to the bottom of the trouble. Between people, there seems to be a simple mathematics; easy to be learnt but so very arduous to accept and enjoy. And what it may possibly be…!

We all look for HCF in relationships as a start and end up compromising with LCF. This is mathematics operative at its gullible best! People are people, never a static idea or entity and finding a rhythm between two people is all about a search of ‘commonality’ – commonality of consciousness primarily. The struggle starts with it being the Highest Common Factor (HCF) or Lowest Common Factor (LCF).

Ideal it is that in relationships commonality should not be ‘the criterion’ rather, compatibility should be a function of ‘un-commonality’. But all goodness has to be practical and so we are talking about practical and real, not ideal.

People in relationship have this tragic tendency to first look for HCF of the compatibility and later, as the dust settles down, they accept and live the poor LCF which is more of a ‘compromise’ than ‘compatibility’.

Does it sound a better idea to admit and proceed that each human is distinct, even bizarre, a maverick in his or her own right and already married or committed to his or her own idiosyncrasies? It actually paves ground for LCF-led planning processes…

So, can we do well by reversing this mathematics! Let us start with an innocuous and humble LCF. Let it be the basis of a ‘workable compatibility’ and then, as they say time is the best leveler. The relationship could slowly but steadily evolve and inch towards this elusive HCF.

This hypothesis to start a relationship with an LCF has practical prudence. The practicality emanates out of the contemporary realism that young minds, when they enter into a relationship, are primarily loaded with two precarious elements –

1. As their life-living conditions and milieus are still changing, they always have a changing cognition – that is, they are still not sure of what is good or right for them and what is not. Instable mind consciousness is not suitable for a relationship based on HCF. The minds of young are ever changing and that is why LCF-based relationship-start is pragmatic.

2. There are two different states of living for all of us. First is individualistic living and second is mutuality living. For most of young people, individualistic living is a realism, they are so used to. Love and marriages are not individualistic space, they are domains of mutuality. Young mind consciousness is not instinctively and attitudinally geared for mutuality-life & living utilities and worth. That is why, when young people start a love relationship or enter marriage, they should opt for LCF-based start as HCF is not practically a feasible proposition. Naturally, as the LCF start has better chances of evolving and maturing into a stable HCF-living in mutuality-domain, this seems like the right recipe for relationship.

However, the primary thing must be asserted here. That is – Love in itself is a passion-driven vehicle. It has in-built tendencies and attitudes for ‘mishaps’. However, love needs the cushion of compassion, which ensures that navigation of all driving thing is slow-steady and smooth. Always mix love with compassion as only this mix can lead the LCF to the finality and fruition of HCF!

**

CHAPTER 7

Often, desirability is not a readymade availability. Both – Desirability and Availability, do not seem to have a readymade Compatibility. Choices themselves are varied and what fits in to an individual may not be exactly what life serves or availability has the inventory for. This seems true for most things in life. Still, nothing seems impossible, though difficult it may seem, as human skills and faculties should never say ‘no’, even if a yes is always tough to come by...!

This is a common conundrum. You go shopping and it would be tough to buy even a shirt, which is precisely to what you have in mind and what you have imagined should be your best choice. Think of looking for a ‘life-partner’ and you shall surely admit, what has been said above – Desirability and Availability, do not seem to have a readymade Compatibility...!

Often, the man a woman seeks or the vice-versa, seems to have evaporated from earth. Thankfully, if a woman gets her right man, it seems, this man is already in love with other or does not seem anyway interested. Or, worst, even when this right man becomes ‘available’, it seems, he is good but not the ‘right package’ for marriage or a lasting relationship...!

People are already talking of two major global trends for humanity (do kindly accept some humour) –

1. Most American men are not willing to marry...!

2. Most Indian men and women are ‘willing’ but ‘unsure’, how to marry...!

No doubt, it is very crucial for both men and women to find the ‘right package’ in his or her partner. Life is already too tough, how can one afford to have ‘not so smooth’ marital life. This fear is already making both men and women, especially women feel scared of marriage...!

Somehow, it is a very humble assertion that life has never been easy or complicated. It has been what it is. However, we, as individuals as well as collectively make our lives easy or complicated. It needs to be accepted that marriage, let alone ‘good marriage’ has never been easy anywhere. However, for both marriage and good marriage, this is probably the best time...!

Somehow, it is a revisiting feeling in all of us as, how good it could be if we all could know, where is my ‘Mr. Right’ or ‘Ms. Right’. The simple trouble is – There always is not only one or two ‘Mr. Rights’ or ‘Ms. Rights’ but so many of them. If we cannot hit it ‘right’ then there must be something not so ‘right’ with the way we look for them...!

Let us admit it with heart-felt simplicity and innocent sincerity that people are different and their choices shall always be different. What we need, the availability is always there, though not in over-supply but sufficient! After all one needs only one person for marriage...!

The simple solution is two way –

1. You have to be very categorically defined and logically correct in ascertaining what is your choice for a life-partner; what is your desirability...

2. You have to prioritize your choices as what I cannot compromise on and what I can as, we all need to accept that ‘righteousness’ seldom comes in ‘readymade package’.

As this you have done. You have to be ready for the last Big Thing – That is to acquire this fruitfully right ‘Communication’ to tell others as what you truly want.

Being young is so very beautifully marvelous endowment. Being young means, you are always open to learning and evolving fast and sure. So, meet your man or woman and be what you as a young person are best at – Communication Of Sincerity...!

Ask your man or woman – ‘Look, I am open to adjustments for compatibilities as married life would seek from both of us. Still, there are a few things, I need to see and find in my life-partner. We need to sit and talk over them. I accept that idealism is not readymade but there has to be some basic ingredients in a man and woman to hit the road to evolving together towards this idealism. Let us spare our best of time and space and invest on each other so that we could be assured of this ‘primary-chemistry’. If yes, we are there; if not, we shall happily wish each other the best in life as marriage must always be the union of two people, who can evolve together and hit the road to joys and prosperity together.’

The words are not important. Everyone can have his or her own choice of words but the sincerity of intent and artistry of open and compassionate communication is a must. Everyone must have this artistry of sincerely innocent communication to ensure that his or her desirability gets the best availability, for which he or she has the right compatibility.

Somehow, it is a humble but sad acceptance that in contemporary times, young men and women are not communicating well or, they are also not very sure as what is their own set of chosen compatibility. Naturally, confused desirability, with inefficient communication lands young men and women in precarious availability. Let this not happen...

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CHAPTER 8

Someone said it, “I can find thousands of ways to stand you wrong and myself right and you can find thousand plus logic to do the same. However, both of us can be right at the same time and still not find any reasonable wrong if we are in love.” What does this signify?

There can be as many interpretation of the statement as per different people’s perception. Realism, almost always stands as one shade of perception, in somehow competitive mode to other perceptions. Therefore realisms are seldom the same for two people. So, does this mean, when two people are in love, they can see and accept a singular realism as they have commonality of perceptions?

This sounds like a postulation based on emotional hypothesis with little logical back up! However, the core issue is not about having commonality of perceptions and therefore falling for a singular realism. Nobody should accept that love makes two people in intimacy see and accept a common perception. It may happen but is not the cardinal rule or theory of love.

Then, what the above-mentioned quote meant? How does it happen that two people can be both right at the same time and not see each other’s wrong, when in love, even when they still stand to have different perceptions about a realism? This needs to be understood and that understanding makes us accept as how love should be accepted in our lives and why love is so important life-living realism for all of us.

There is a popular example about lives of a group of people, who work together in a selected milieu. This is about mariners, who live together for 7-8 months on a 300-meter ship and most mariners accept that they have great fun and camaraderie when together. This is all about perceptions and core need of survival, for which our brains are wired. The mariners are a small group of people on a very limited space and they are living their lives in a tough situation at sea, where every single day, there are so many challenges. Each person on the ship has to be in tune with others to ensure that the ship sails safely and they reach their destinations in time and good shape. Therefore, everyone is in a mindset of accommodation and cooperation for a common cause. There may be people with competing perceptions and ideas, still, they keep aside their differences and accept an accommodative behavior and action, as only this can ensure not only his safety but also that of the ship. This then ensures wellness of all. This behavior is common for people working in mines, factories and other professions where life is at stake if cooperation and accommodation is not the primary instinct.

Love facilitates this similar sense of cooperation and accommodation. The person in love ceases to think individually and his or her first instinct becomes a mindset where collective wellness is the primary aim. Usually, we all think of individual safety and wellness. However, often, life-living wellness needs cooperation and accommodation in collective living. Love enhances the space of cooperation and accommodation in the collective domain of two lives in intimacy. Therefore, even when two persons in love have competing perceptions and ideas about things, they do not bring it to the fore as their primary aim is collective wellness. The ‘He’ and ‘She’ in love accept that if ‘She’ is not well, ‘He’ too cannot feel happy and well and the vice-versa. This primary instinct for collective wellness is the magic of love.

Therefore, as the above-mentioned quote states, love makes people agreeable, harmonious, cooperative and accommodative as the instinctive behavior and action shifts from individualistic wellness and satisfaction to collective wellness and joys. But this is just the first step. Lovers need to evolve together for good amount of time for this instinct of individualism to shift to collective accommodation and become primary one.

Gradually, as commonality and mutuality grows and evolves in time and space, the two people in love even start having common singular perceptions and that finally makes them see and accept singular realism of all things in life. This is fruition of love and intimacy.

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CHAPTER 9

The markets never fail to push this idea that ‘men are men’. However, as against the advert, the real men are a confounded lot. They ask, ‘what’s actually being a man and what’s so wrong being a man?’ The feminist psychologists are out with the jury, labeling modern man still being influenced by his ‘cave-man-gene’ and still not being in perfect tune with realities that the female world has evolved to.

The men are the confounded lot; they surely are when it comes to assessing their women. The men always have believed women are mysterious and this belief now has more elements of certainty. The men all over the world, especially in more urban-centric developed nations, where modern liberal culture has installed far more changes in women than men, find their women more mysterious. The men are confounded and ask why?

This is where the men go wrong and women probably say rightly that ‘men are men’. They should not ask ‘why’ but should always ask, ‘how’. Changes are evolutionary and when they happen, the smart way is to know ‘how’, never ask ‘why’. The universality and inevitability of change answers all ‘whys’. The solution is in knowing, accepting and appreciating ‘how’.

This cannot be avoided and wished away. Already too much damage has been done as the very important institution of marriage is withering because of this gender-misunderstanding. Surely, it is men who have to come around to the changes that are wreaking havoc on social fabric. Developed societies fear, as the divorce rate is already half the marriage rate, what is in store for future? That is, half the marriages are failing and that too in quick time. In addition, domestic violence and intimate relationship violence are hitting all time high figures. In urban spaces of most developing nations, the gender conflict has already well into initial gender war, with growing rates of crimes and atrocities against women.

There is a lot that has happened in the female world and that too very fast. However, the man’s intuitive nature and his instincts have not yet probably evolved in the same pace. Probably, it shall in future but currently it is in transition. It takes years of socialization for any minor change in one’s intuitive behavior pattern. Recent researches have confirmed, female evolution has been better compared to men.

The changes in the environment of females are all too drastic and men feel at loss because they do not know, often not willing to accept, how these changes happened and how to deal with them. Acceptance is the first prerequisite of any meaningful change in male behavior pattern.

Things have almost taken a U-turn for men. Until a few decades back, men would go to work and women folks would be in exclusive charge of the families and household. The men would face the rigors of the work place and when they would come back to home, they would expect their women to be nice, soft, sweet and caring. The women were their Wellness-Recharge Mechanism.

The men always said, ‘They can face the war with the world and still win it if their women supported them back home’. This has happened since thousands of years. Men seem to be still expecting the same as many young men are still seeing their mothers in the same old mould. It is part of their cultural mind and ingrained deep in the intuitive consciousness too. There is nothing wrong about expecting this. However, the evolution has added another equal face to this.

The women today are writing their success stories at work places. They are almost facing the same crisis and conflicts, which men faced since ages in the outer world of work and success. The women too are in huge need of a ‘Wellness-Recharge Mechanism’, which they had successfully provided to men for ages. They are now in a stage of life-living choices where they expect men at home to do the same for them. And why not? Home and family have always been this Wellness-Recharge Mechanism. The trouble is, as both men and women are now busy and successful in their respective work places, there is no one back home to handle successfully this age-old role of the wellness-recharge provider.

It has to be understood and accepted. Everyone, be it a male or female, has a limit to his or her goodness. You need a lot of goodness and wellness emotional intelligence at your work place for success and achievement. It is a two-way process. You give a lot of goodness and wellness at an outside environment only when you get it replenished by your family members and especially spouse.

We are now all nuclear families where the entire support system boils down to one person, the wife or the husband. Therefore, every wife and every husband has a lot of and exclusive performance pressure of being the replenish-agent of the precious goodness and wellness.

We all live in a very fast-paced and over-stressed life and living milieu. We are all starved for time. There is an epidemic level crisis of intimacies in relationships, especially between spouses, as we do not have enough leisure and rest. Already, a section of psychologists in America are warning of a huge crisis of ‘sex-less marriages’ and labeling it as cause number one for estrangements between spouses. The intimacy-starved relationships have triggered off the looming crisis of intimacy-anorexia.

Men need to be more proactive and rational in understanding the crisis as women are now in state of relative insecurity and big transition. This is so because they are up against the established norms. They may not right now understand the ‘process of evolution’ as they are more concerned in making a space for themselves in the universe of success and achievements where men ruled for centuries.

Men will have to be appreciative of the fact that the modern times are the times of reciprocal and equitable aspirations between man and woman. Men need to relook at women, their newfound personalities and their emotional as well as intelligence needs in the changed milieu.

This is just a simple case of understanding ‘how’ of an evolutionary reality of our times and just be a bit more appreciative. Both husband and wife need to talk on this issue. As men and women share their joint responsibilities at home, they must also take turns in being ‘Wellness-Recharge-Provider’ for each other.

And, as this happens, do also ensure that sex may be postponed between couples but intimacy must never wait. A daily dose of intimacy and that too a large one between couples is a sure wellness-recharge technique. Men are men, so they must take lead not only at work place but surely also at home.

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CHAPTER 10

There shall always be a cultural definition of all things and then, there is the definition, which you shall subjectively feel as the right one. However, there is one truth and righteousness, which is objective, neutral and singular. You may accept it or may not but, there can be rights and wrongs, on the basis of cultural definition as well as personal definition. However, there is an ‘appropriate’ thing and an ‘inappropriate’ thing, defined on the basis of its utility or futility in enhancing the survival and excellence of humanity as a race.

We talk here not the right and wrong, but about appropriate and inappropriate. This we decide on the basis of our mechanism, the mechanism of the environment around us and the relationship between the two.

It has been said, ‘What man/woman seeks is what he/she wants, and is not at all what he/she needs’. Humans are competitive animal; evolution designed humans this way. He or she needs to win, always, as it his or her survival instinct. This desire to win is beautifully expressed by his or her ego. Often, the survival needs and ‘desires’ lead him or her to seek and compete to win.

However, what he or she wants/seeks is not always, what he or she needs. Most people admit, the fine line, which separates what one ‘wants’ from what one ‘needs’ is tough to ascertain. This is tough but crucial as this fine line separates ‘appropriate’ from ‘inappropriate’.

We are talking about this issue as in contemporary marriages; both men and women are pressuring the structure of marriages and marital bliss by subjective ‘wants’, even when marital bliss ‘needs’ not much of them. There may be subjective rights and wrong for men and women in marriages but what the couple ‘need’ to install is the idea and idealism of ‘appropriates’ and ‘inappropriates’.

What an individual seeks is ‘Empowerment’. What society needs from him or her is collective ‘Utility’. Individual is guided by his or her survival instincts and drives and they make him seek personal empowerment at all cost. However, human is a social animal and he or she can survive and excel only in group and society. Marriage is the biggest and most crucial social need of individuals for wellness, which cumulatively go on to build up collective wellness.

Therefore, there has to be a balance, a poise, prudence and proportion between an individual’s desires of personal empowerment and his or her need for accommodation in marriage, family and society. A good culture has structures and functions, which ensures this poise. The culture, which cannot ensure this poise, is an ‘inappropriate culture’, the one we are gradually moving into now.

Therefore, what a man or woman ‘wants’, if it is in conformity and synchrony with what family and society needs, then what he or she wants is what he ‘needs’. The poise and proportion is then ensured. This in other term means – Individual empowerment must always create collective utility – this is the objective singular benchmark of ‘appropriateness’.

One simple but essential idea is – as an individual is constantly advised to recheck his or her ‘wants’, family and society also must always be liberal and resilient enough to allow a self-recheck on what it ‘needs’. This means, both individual empowerment and familial utility need to be evolving in tune with time and circumstances. This ensures poise for all. Otherwise, psychosis rules individuals as well as families and societies.

The trouble with our contemporary society is that not only individuals but society as a collectivity itself has surrendered to populism and the ruling machinery as well as the media also somehow extend support to the culture of populism. The populism is a culture, where people are guided and lead their lives more on the basis of their natural and unhindered instincts and drives. It is a culture where people indulge in what they want and never think of what they actually need.

This culture has its own trouble. When we give in to the populism, the instinctive demands of body, without thinking of the ‘appropriates’ of survival, excellence and holistic wellness in the long-run, we land ourselves in untold miseries. The contemporary culture is therefore in the storm of troubles.

Let us understand it with daily life example. The food we eat is felt until it stays up to the throat. After that the body mechanism, which continues to work upon the food, is not felt. The mind has 100 billion neurons and billions of other supportive neurons are working incessantly in the process of food movement from mouth to digestive system. However, we can feel and understand only a fraction of this operative mechanism.

This is our design. However, the real intelligent is a person, who does not divert his or her attention and focus from the food, even when it is past the ‘felt-zone’ of throat. We all need to be aware of and receptive towards the journey of this vital food down the tracts till its last processing. Populism is also like a short-term gratification desire, without the responsibility of watching for its impact in the long-term.

Doctors have been warning us. They say, “Own the onus of the food your mouth shoves to the body, as you are not just your tongue, but the entire body”. The idea is to convey the fact that usually, in our restrictive consciousness, we eat in loads what our mouth, especially tongue likes. It is true that the taste buds are restricted to tongue only and as the food goes down beyond it, we do not wish to remember and care about. This is because there is no pleasure of gratification of food beyond our mouth.

However, we are not only our mouth. Our body is an intricate and huge mechanism. There are long food canals, liver, pancreas, kidneys, heart et al and together there are millions of functions that go on within our body, which we do not consciously register. However, they are crucial for our survival and general well-being. The mouth is our conscious mind but rest of the millions of complex functions are handled by our unconscious mind.

A true intelligent person, cannot restrict its responsibility and attention to just the miniscule conscious part. The unconscious is also our onus as it is the larger domain, which essentially handles our basic health and survival. The real intelligent shall always know and respect the ‘details’ of the entirety of the ‘body-mechanism’ and shall own the responsibility of the wellness and success of all parts, not only one part.

It is clear that what we want is only a small part. Like it is just a small part to shove into our mouth what our taste buds want. However, what we actually need is a long process and responsibility. It is a collective decision of all other organs of our body, like liver, kidney, heart intestines, et al. Populism is about caring only for the instant gratification of mouth. It is about wanting only what our instincts and drives want from us. Intelligence is in being responsible towards the wellness of all body organs in the long-term.

If we indulge in populism, in the long-term, we degenerate our body-mind health and threaten our own survival. As we have talked earlier, culturally or personally, this may be right but from the point of view of survival and excellence of humanity as a race, it is ‘inappropriate’.

The conscious-mind in we all, which is restrictively concerned and knowledgeable about only a ‘part’ of the entire complex mechanism around us, can be ‘culturally and personally successful’. However, the true intelligent is a person, who shall definitively be aware and responsible towards the ‘whole’. The holistic, assimilative and integrative perspective towards the ‘mechanism, it its entirety is the hallmark of a true intelligent. This person shall not fall prey to populism and its associated calamities.

We cannot blame ourselves. It is our mechanism! The conscious part, the mouth, gives us tangibles as instant utility and fruition. The mind consciousness is bound to register the immediate advantage of ‘taste-satisfaction’ and extends instant thumbs-up. We eat a huge and rich creamy cake and feel so happy. The tongue gives us a huge thumbs-up as it registers big bonus on gratification-scale.

However, the burst of calamitous sugar, which goes inside the food tract and gets big disapproval and thumbs down from liver and pancreas are not registered on the satisfaction-scale. These organs are rather neutral. The mouth is a vocal and populist showman. The liver however is the silent worker.

The ‘true intelligent’ shall never have this tendency of giving in to populism. Rather, this intelligent person shall always have the poise and perspective to see the picture in entirety as this person understands and is responsible towards the ‘mechanism’ not in ‘parts’, but in holism and assimilation.

The ‘intelligent’ shall never be swayed away or blown out by populism, as it has the holistic perspective to understand that ‘success’ is not in pampering the mouth with all it ‘wants’, it is rather in ensuring the larger health and wellness ‘need’ of the whole body. The ‘intelligent’ understands, “Success is not in having all that we want for instant joys; it is rather in the prudence of having what we actually need for persevered satisfaction”.

A real intelligent human is not one who needs to think and then behave and act good and ‘appropriate’. Rather, it is one who does not have to think as all his behavior and actions are instinctively bound to be good and ‘appropriate’. You don’t consciously remember when you ride a cycle or cook a meal as it is instinctive, even when they were once learned behavior. Objective goodness is also learned behavior but when you repeatedly practice it, it becomes instinctive.

Marriages and persevered marital bliss is all about evolving to an assimilative, integrative and holistic perspective about life-living purpose. This is not easy. That is why we have already stressed that falling in love is instinctive and it is what everyone is designed for. However, marriage is not an automatic eligibility. Marriages need qualification, which we consciously evolve and mature to, with persevered insistence on arriving at this readiness of holism of consciousness. Marriage is an enterprise of higher consciousness for those, who understand and accept the idea of true empowerment. Men and women need to be in ultimate readiness of this wellness enterprise of life and living. All best…!

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Accept My Gratitude

Writing something is a daunting task as there is always a lurking apprehension of it not being of utility for some readers. I however feel at ease, because of my faith in magnanimity of readers. I am happily sure; you shall forgive if my efforts could not be up to your expectations. Thank you so much for being with me and allowing me to share with you. Wish you an empowered life; with the prosperity of the consciousness.

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About The Author

People say, what conspire to make you what you finally become are always behind the veil of intangibility. Someone called it ‘Intangible-Affectors’. Inquisitiveness was the soil, I was born with and the seeds, these intangible-affectors planted in me made me somewhat analytical. My long stint in media, in different capacities as journalist, as brand professional and strategic planning, conspired too! However, I must say it with all innocence at my behest that the chief conspirators of my making have been the loads of beautiful and multi-dimensional people, who traversed along me, in my life journey so far. The mutuality and innocence of love and compassion always prevailed and magically worked as the catalyst in my learning and most importantly, unlearning from these people. Unconsciously, these amazing people also worked out to be the live theatres of my experiments with my life’s scripts. I, sharing with you as a writer, is essentially my very modest way to express my gratitude for all of them. In my stupidities is my innocence of love for all my beautifully worthy conspirators!

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Other Titles By Santosh Jha

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 28.08.2021

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