Inhalt

Chapter 1

It was a dreary Monday morning when I woke up. My alarm rang at 630, rudely awakening me from my sleep. I groaned and flung my arm out and fumbled around until my hand slapped the snooze button for five more minutes of much desired sleep. My name is Jessica and I am 16 years old, and attend Grace High School. I am in the twelfth grade, nearing the end of my senior year.

I live with my family in a little town in Alabama. I live with my parents, my twin brother, Michael, and my older sister, Heather. Heather is 19 and is in her Freshman year of college. I miss Heather very much, but at the same time I am grateful that I mgot the room we had once shared to myself.

I finally stretched and stumbled out of bed, going to the bathroom and walking back to my room to choose the outfit I was going to wear that day. I could hear Michael next door getting ready as well. I walked down the stairs and I heard my parents' voices in the kitchen. My mom is a bank accountant and my father taught at the local elementary school. Both had to be out of the house by 7 every morning to be at work by 8.

"Jessica, just so you know, we won't be home until 7 or 8," my mother said. "Your father and I are going into town tonight for the meeting and a late dinner."

"Got it, Mom." I smiled to myself. I was thrilled, because this meant I could spend some quality alone time with my girlfriend, Haley. Michael wouldn't bother us, he'd be in his room most of the time. No one in the family knew we were together. I am afraid of what my parents would think of having a lesbian daughter. Growing up in a small town was difficult sometimes. Everyone knew each other, and we all knew each other's business. My mom and Dad had raised my siblings and I Catholic, and the religion is not very open to gay and lesbian relationships. I had just recently started looking into an Episcopal church near where I live. I have heard it is extremely welcoming there and that the priest was also gay. I was trying to get the courage to visit there soon. I could only imagine how nice it must be to be completely out and accepted with not only friends and family, but also fit the lifestyle into your religion. Being Catholic, I constantly tried to fight my being lesbian due to the unwelcoming feeling the Catholic church portrayed towards gays.

Anyway, I am sure my parents would not take me being lesbian well, so the relationship stayed secret. I didn't trust Marina and Michael to keep a secret like that from our parents, so they didn't know either. Same was for Haley and her family.

Michael came bounding down the stairs, grabbed his back pack and told me to move it if I wanted a ride with him to school. Saying goodbye to our parents, Michael started out the door. I scooped up my backpack,said goodbye to both parents, and ran out the door.

Michael and I started the ride to school. On the way we started talking about our friends. For some reason, Michael chose that car ride to ask me about Haley. I didn't realize that he had noticed I have been spending an increasing amount of time with her, and less time with my other friends. "Why don't you spend any more time with Maggie?" Michael asked me. "You seem to be spending a lot of time with Haley. Any reason?"

I eyed my brother, "I hang out with other friends too, not just Haley." That was sorta the truth. I did hang out with my other friends-before and after school, and during lunch. Just not the weekends anymore as much those were mostly spent alone with Haley, unless there was a big party going on or something like that.

There must have been something in my voice, because Michael dropped the subject. "Well, I'm going to go right home after school, so Haley can ride home with us. I have a test I have to study for that's tomorrow."

"Thanks, Michael! We will stay out of your way!" I was surprised at my brother's genuine offer and his desire to study, so I decided to continue with the friendly conversation that beat the usual silence of our morning commute to school. "You're going to the prom Friday night with Regina?

"Yup, and looking forward to it!" The car turned into the school's parking lot. Michael parked, and we walked into the building, separating into different groups of friends. The morning went on pretty much the way it usually did....honors Calc, chemistry, and lunch. It was after lunch at my locker when things started to go wrong. I had just slipped Haley a note into the back pocket of the jeans I wished Haley wore every day, as they perfectly outlined her lower half, and we shared a hug.

We had Honors English together (as well as Spanish, which was our last class of the day)so we usually spent at least half the period writing notes back and forth. A friendly note before class generally got the ball rolling. A quick glance from both Haley and I around the seemingly-empty hallway lead us to believe that we could enjoy a moment to kiss.

Unfortunately, two other twelfth grade students walked around the corner amisdt our kiss. Both boys were friends of Michael and their names were Tyler and Chris. I didnt hear them until Tyler let out a wolf whistle and high fived his friend, Chris. We stopped suddenly, both turning towards the guys, fear in our eyes because we were just caught. Chris's eyes widened in shock when he realized it was me who was kissing Haley. He let out a low whistle and eyed his friend Tyler whose mouth was hanging open.

Before the four of us could utter a word, the bell rang for classes to be let out. Out of a room walked Michael, and his two friends pulled him aside. I ran up to the trio, saying, "Guys, please don't say anything. It wasn't what you think."

But to no avail, Michael was told that they had just seen me kissing Haley. I saw shock and disbelief in Michael's eyes, but I ran down the hallway with Haley right behind me. I heard Michael yelling my name, but I didn't stop until I had reached the English room upstairs. Out of breath, I plopped myself into my chair, cursing myself silently. Now what was I going to do?

"What did you mean, it's not what it looks like?" Haley demanded, sitting down at her usual spot, next to me. "Look, Haley, I am sorry. I got scared. I didn't mean it. I mean, my brother just found out about us, damnit! Besides, what if it was someone in your family that Tyler and Chris just outted us to? How would you feel? If my parents find out..."

But, at that moment the bell rang again, signaling that class was about to start, and in walked Ms. Ryan. The rest of Honors Haley and I sat, vigorously writing back and forth to one another, passing the note back and forth when Ms. Ryan wasn't looking. By the end of English, I had been able to pacify Haley, and we both decided if Michael was still willingto drive her over to my and Michael's that they would talk to Michael and convince him not to tell any family members or friends. However, even though we had a sneaking suspicion, we both came to the conclusion that most of the kids in the high school would find out, since Tyler was one of the biggest gossipers that we knew. It is funny to me that out of the group of people I know and hangout with, a guy is much more gossipier then any of my women friends. Well, except for maybe one or two! We decided to stick together and defend ourselves on whatever outcome happened.

Finally, the bell rang ending class. The class gathered their books, and headed out the door. One of my best friends, Maggie, ran up to me in the crowded hallway. "It is not true is it?", Maggie asked me, suspiciously eyeing Haley next to me.

I decided to play dumb just in case this wasn't about the kiss, although there was a sinking feeling of nausea entering the pit of my stomach. "Is what true?" I asked my friend innocently.

"That you are a dyke! That you and Haley are girlfriends!" Maggie exclaimed. Sulmutaneously, Haley and I winced at the word 'dyke', and we eyed one another.

"Who told you that?" Haley asked Maggie.

"It is all over the school! Apparently, Chris and Taylor caught you guys kissing one another. It isn't true, is it? Because, that would be totally gross and unnatural!"

"Shit, shit, shit", I muttered. I was in shock that my kiss with Haley had gotten around the school so quickly. Then again, I probably should have known that it wouldn't have taken too long to get around when a guy like Tyler was the one whom had spread the story.

"What did you say?" At that point, we had walked downstairs, and into Spanish, the last class of the day. I took a deep breath, reached behind me to grasp my girlfriend's hand for reassurance before I answered Maggie. I gritted my teeth and in an unsteady voice I informed Maggie that no, I was not a dyke, but yes, Haley and I were girlfriends. At that point Spanish started, relieving me the difficulty of answering any more questions. I sighed and put my head in my hands, not paying attention to class, but praying for the bell to ring so that Haley and I could meet Michael and head home. It had been a long day, and I still had to talk to Michael. I knew there was no way around that.

Finally, the bell ended and the last class of the day was over. I scribbled my homework in my notebook, and turned to Haley. "Let's get out of here. Thank God school is over. I told Michael we'd meet him in the parking lot."

I ignored Maggie's pestering voice and Haley and I headed to our lockers to get our books. We blended pretty well in the over crowded hallway until once again we reached our lockers. Both mine and Haley's friends were waiting for us, I guess to hear first hand wether or not the rumor was true. About three friends were there, but Haley and I told them we would call or text them later, and escaped to the high school parking lot. Michael was already at the car when we got there.

Haley sat in the back seat of the car while Michael and I were in the front. Haley was so nervous about the upcoming conversation that she didn't talk, but she kept on swinging her leg back and forth, making her foot hit the front seat of the car. I knew she was nervous, but I was the one who had to smooth things over with Michael, not her!

Chapter 2

When Michael started the car his favorite radio station, Q102 came blasting on. I anxiously looked at my twin brother wondering just how well this conversation was going to be. The tension in the car was unbelievable. It was just like the weather outside, the clouds becoming bigger and darker so that one could tell a storm was on the way. Eventually, the clouds would have to succumb and allow the rain to come pelting down. Well, eventually, this conversation would have to start, so I decided to take the initiative.

"Um, Michael? About today, concerning Haley? I'm sorry you had to find out like that." Actually, I was sorry that he'd found out about the relationship at all, but what was done was done.

Michael sighed and glanced at me, and I could tell he was being mindful of Haley in the back seat. "Jessica, I want to really talk to you about this, but not while your girlfriend is here sitting in the backseat. No offense, Haley. But, I'd be much more comfortable just talking to Jess alone."

Haley pondered for a moment, then said, "Michael, why don't you just drop me off at home, if that is okay with you? Jess, you wouldn't mind if we just got together before prom tomorrow like we had already decided, would you? I think you and Michael should talk this out without me here."

I glanced back at Haley. "Alright, Haley. I guess that's the best thing to do". I was disappointed. I had wanted to hang out with Haley and just forget about the day's events. I knew that Haley was right, however. And it was tactful of her to postpone our alone time so I could try to work things out with my brother.

Michael knew where Haley lived, so we drove the rest of the way there in silence, each in their own thoughts. On Q102 the music was suddenly interrupted and the dj announced that there was a tornado watch in our area until 6pm this evening. We had had tornado watches before, but nothing ever came of them except a lot of rain and maybe some hail. As Michael pulled up to Haley's house, it started to pour. A streak of lightening was followed by a loud clap of thunder.

Haley grabbed all of her stuff and got ready to make a run for it to her house. "Thanks for the ride, Michael! Be careful driving home in this weather! Julia, call or text me when you get the chance." She opened the door, slammed it shut and made a mad dash to her house. Once under the porch, she turned around and waved goodbye to us and let herself in her house.

Michael and I now had the car to ourselves. Michael turned down the radio. Before he pulled away from the curb, he asked me one of his many questions that was probably whirling around in his head.

"Jessic, are you really gay? How long have you known?" His voice sounded injured, but I could tell that there was also a touch of curiosity in there as well.

"Ive known I've been lesbian since I've been in middle school, four or five years ago. You know I have dated guys before. But there was never any real connection. Not like it is with Haley and I." I sighed.

Michael pulled away from the curb before he spoke again. The rain was pounding against the windshield, the whippers going as fast as they could. "Were you ever going to tell me?"

I knew I had upset my brother deeply by not confiding this part of my life to him. "Honestly, Michael, I was scared to. I am still scared. I'm scared that you will think less of me. I would probably have told you a few years from now, so that you wouldn't think this was some sort of phase. I know for a fact that I can't change who I am. I've tried. And I'm so scared about what the rest of the family will think of me. When Maggie found out today she called Haley and I dykes. You know she's been my best friend since sixth grade. Is everyone going to be against me now, and hate me, Michael?" My voice was trembling. I had just asked the hardest question for me, and I felt like I was about to cry.

We pulled into the driveway. I was so glad at that point that my parents were not at home and would not be home most of the night. I was going to at some point continue talking with Michael, and in the meantime lock myself in my room.

It was still raining heavily, so Michael parked the car in the garage. Michael turned off the car and turned to me before he finally answered. I could tell he was forming his answer to me carefully. "Jessica, I will love you no matter who you are or what you do. I think a lot of people are going to react to you like Maggie did. It might just be from shock. I didn't realize that you have been hurting all these years. I understand why you didn't confide in me, but I wish you had. I don't know how Mom, Dad, or Marina will respond when they find out. Let's go inside to talk more, I'm thirsty."

The two of us went into the silent house. Michael had tried to turn on the lights, but we quickly realized that the power had gone out due to the raging storm outside. Thankfully, it was only around 4:45, so it wasn't completely dark in the house.

Michael found a flashlight and went to the refrigerator to get a not-quite-cold Diet Pepsi. I told him I was going to go up to my room and lie down for awhile, since I had a pounding headache from the day's events. Besides, since we had no electricity we couldn't do too much except talk, anyway. And I wanted a break from that.

******

MICHAEL'S POV

That afternoon I barricaded myself in my room. After awhile the electricity came back on. I turned on my music and flopped down on my bed, staring at the fan as it twirled around and around. I was still in shock and reviewing the conversation he and Haley had had in the car about her being lesbian. The conversation had been intense. Reflecting, I found I was proud of myself for acting like it wouldn't bother me one way or another what sex she was attracted to. That didn't mean I wasn't surprised when Jess told him about Haley. He was. Haley was a nice girl and cute looking. I had always been impressed by how nice Haley was to everyone and how well she carried herself. In fact, I had a small crush on Haley before I had started going out with Regina. I would have never guessed that Haley was a lesbian, just like I never imagined Jules herself being lesbian.

I rolled over and grabbed my phone that was on the table by my bedside. I quickly punched in Chris's phone number. The phone rang once, twice, three times, until finally Chris answered. We chatted on the phone for about twenty minutes. Chris expressed curiosity concerning Jessica and the conversation they had had in the car. We talked about how one could never be certain if a woman was lesbian these days. Some girls were out and some girls you could tell just by looking at the, that they were lesbian. But other girls, like Haley and his sister-it would be impossible to tell! Chris asked Michael if Jess was going to tell their parents about her being lesbian. Chris told him he had no idea. Chris also asked if Jess planned on bringing Haley to prom. Michael told him again that he had no idea, and that he would probably have another talk with Julia.

I hung up the phone and sauntered into the hallway and glanced into Jess's room. It was empty. I decided to go downstairs, and it was in the den where I found Haley. She was lounging on a couch watching television.

*****

JESSICA'S POV

When I woke up it was 6:45. I had slept two hours, and more impressively,the electricity was back on! I heard Michael's voice on his cell phone, and the blare of the radio. I got out of bed and switched on the light. I dragged out my homework. I heard Michael talking to Chris, but I tuned him out and started the boring homework that was due the next day.

A little over a hour later, around 8 pm, I was done. It was no longer raining. I checked my cell. My in-box had a message from Haley, but not Maggie. Haley's message said, "Julia, babe, I love you. I hope things are okay and you are hanging in there. Call me if you want. If not, I will talk to you tomorrow. Just text me to let me know you are okay." I quickly sent Haley a text letting her know I had talked a bit with Michael but not about talking to our parents. I also asked her if she wanted to go to prom with me. I figured that there was no reason to hide who we were at school anymore. We had decided a month ago that we would go to the prom as two single women, dancing together only during the fast songs, and sitting out the slow ones. I thought maybe we could actually be together since our secret is now out.

Two minutes later Haley texted me back. Her text read, "Jess, I would love to go to prom with you and be an actual couple! I have been wanting to do that from the very beginning, but I knew you were afraid. I do not know how people are going to react to us, I guess we will find out tomorrow...." I wrote Haley back telling her how nervous and excited I was I slipped my cell in my jeans pocket, went downstairs and turned on the tv. The Weather Channel was on. The weatherman was mentioning how there were multiple tornadoes that had hit in near-by counties. She mentioned that many counties, including ours, had been under the tornado watch, but we were lucky that we didn't get one. I had forgotten all about that.

Michael came down and sat next to me. "Hey, Jess," he said. "Mom and Dad home yet?"

"Nope," I answered nonchalantely. "What's up?" I could tell Michael was pondering his answer to me.

He finally said, "Jess, I have two questions for you. One: are you going to tell Mom and Dad about your being gay, and two: are you bringing Haley to the prom on Friday night?"

"Michael," I started, "I am going to be bringing Haley to prom Friday night! She said yes! We were going to go as friends, but since everyone probably knows all about us by now, we figured to just try to go and have fun. She's coming over tomorrow before prom so we can get ready together. And as for telling Mom and Dad, I am putting that off for as long as possible!"

Michael stared hard at me. "Do you think it is a good idea bringing Haley to prom as your date? Grace High School is not really a gay-friendly type of school. I mean, we don't even have a Gay-Straight Alliance. I don't know how people are going to react and I do not want you or Haley getting hurt. And as for Mom and Dad, you can't hide this from them forever."

"Thanks for being concerned, but I think Haley and I will be fine as long as we stick together. I am so tired of hiding who I truly am! I know I can't keep this from Mom and Dad forever, but think about it, Michael. Wouldn't you be scared if you had to tell Mom and Dad this? Please don't tell them. I am going to wait for the right moment. So much has just happened, I don't think I can handle Mom and Dad as well."

At that moment we heard the car garage open and close. Mom and Dad were back. I gave Michael an imploring look and he understood that I didn't want to talk about this subject anymore, especially since our parents were now home. Michael gave me a slight nod and then got up to greet our parents. I stayed where I was and flipped mindlessly through the channels on tv. Nothing was on. I switched off the tv. I heard Mom and Dad say hello to Michael, and then a pair of footsteps coming closer to the den. "Hi, Mom and Dad. How are you?"

Mom looked me straight in the eye, and decided to ignore the question of how she was doing. I heard Dad sigh and out of the corner of my eye saw him walk across the room and sit in his chair. Our dog jumped up in his lap, and Dad petted him absentmindedly, with a slight frown on his face. Michael followed suit and sat in the chair next to Dad's.

Mom got straight to the point and asked me, "Jessica, when I was at the PTA meeting today, Jen's mom came up to me after the meeting. She mentioned that Jen had told her that you were lesbian.

Apparently, someone saw you kissing Haley. Jen's mother 'thought I should know and to try to control my daughter'. Is this true? And don't you dare lie to me, because I will find out the truth."

Both Mom and Dad looked at me expectantly, waiting for my answer. I sighed, wishing that this wasn't happening at this point and time, with the prom, and with Haley in the other room. But, it was. And so I summoned up my courage to tell them the truth.

"Mom, Dad, I am lesbian. I am going out with Haley. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I got caught at school kissing Haley by Ty--someone. And it ended up all over school. So, yes, Jen's mom is telling the truth."

Mom and Dad looked at one another in shock. "Damn, it, Jessica! How could you be so stupid as to kissing Haley at all, let alone in school?" Dad yelled at me.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. I...."

"Yeah, that's obvious that you wern't thinking!" Pure sarcasm dripped from my mother's voice.

Michael tried to interrupt, and said, "Mom, Dad, can't you just listen for one min....." His voice silenced.

Dad interrupted him saying, "Michael, you can wait just one damn minute! Im talking here and you interrupted me! Did you know about this, about her?"

"Calm down, Dad. Jess being gay isn't the end of the world! I just found out a day ago, and I think you are completely over-reacting! Jess is still the same person she was a few minutes ago. So what if she's lesbian?"

"So what?!" Mother screeched. "This just can't be happening. Not in our family." Tears were running down my mother's face at that point, but so were mine. I was afraid that this was how they would react, and I was right. A tiny part of me had pretended that this wasn't going to happen, and that part of me hurt the most when it realized that was exactly what was going on.

"Mom, Dad, I'm sorry to hurt you like this, but this is who I am. I love Haley. We are going to prom together. I thought my peers might act the way you are acting right now, but not adults like you! You claim to be so liberal all the time, and yet you are acting like I told you I just got arrested!"

Mom snapped, "Jessica Lee, this is not a time for jokes!"

Dad glared at me and said, "Jessica, I don't think you do understand the consequences of being gay. Besides that, you have time to decide this. You are much to young to know exactly who you are and what you want, "And that's the way it should be, young lady," Dad added in a stern voice. "You don't have to know exactly who you are at the age of seventeen. You can date more boys, tell Haley it was a mistake, and forget about her."

I sighed impatiently, and said, "Dad! Please, listen to me for a moment! If you were single and not married to Mom, you would know for absolute certainty that you would not want to date any man, right? It's the same thing for me. You know I have dated boys before. But, it's different with Haley. I feel more comfortable around her, and more attracted to her then any of my previous boyfriends. That's how I know I'm gay. Don't you understand?"

Dad just shook his head and tapped his fingers on the table. Mom started pacing back and forth. "Okay, here is what we are going to do. Jess, we will not tell anyone in our family about this. They don't need to know. You will go to Haley and tell her it has all been just too difficult and you want to break up the relationship and date other boys. You will date more boys, Jess, and you will find someone you love. Don't worry, all you have to do is pray to God and ask him to remove this horrible temptation from you. You have a choice as to whether or not you like men or women, and I am making the choice for you to like men!"

At this point and time I started crying. I glanced over at Michael, and he grimaced sympathetically and shrugged his shoulders helplessly. We both knew how impossible Mom and Dad could become when it came to God. They followed life's direction directly from the Bible, and took most of what it said literally.

"Mom," I started, "Do you think I would choose sitting here listening to you demean me and make me feel like shit? I can't choose if I like men or women. I like women, period. God made me this way, and you have no control over that. Can't you come to accept me for who I am?"

Mom stopped pacing back and forth, and uncertaintity flickered in her eyes. "I am not sure, Jess," she responded slowly.

"I don't have to take anymore of this from either of you. I can't handle this." I got up and ran out of the room, Michael yelling my name, and once again I decided to ignore him. I went outside, opened the car door and sat inside the car. I fished the keys out of their usual spot and started the car.

Chapter 3

I ended up at Haley's house. It was almost automatic. I parked the car and called her on my cell phone. I just really needed to be with her tonight. I didn't care what my parents thought of her, or anyone else or that matter. I wanted to remind myself that she was worth all the shit I was going through right now.

Haley answered after the third ring and I asked her if I could come in. She told me to just open the door and go up to her room. I ran up to Haley's house and opened up the door. I then ran up the flight of stairs, were Haley was waiting. She ushered me into her room, and closed the door.

There she asked quietly, "Jessica, what's wrong? What happened?"

I shook my head and said, "Please let's not talk about that right now." I took ahold of her tiny waist, and pulled her to me. I kissed her passionately and she kissed me back with just as much vigor. I ran my hands through her long raven black hair and looked questioningly into her hazel eyes.

She stared back into my eyes for a moment before nodding. She rolled on top of me and ran her hands up and down my thigh. I peeled off her shirt as she pulled off mine. I grabbed a fist-full of her soft hair as her hand found its way to my breast. We both breathed in heavily and deeply. My hands cupped her tight ass to bring her closer to me. I kissed Haley hungrily and bit her lower lip.

When it was over we lay next to each other, being a comfort to one another. I had never felt so close to any other person at that moment then I did to Haley. It was only then that I filled her in on what happened and she just listened and supported me. By that time it was 11:30pm, so I told Haley I had better go home. I got dressed and gave Haley a hug and a passionate kiss goodbye. I tiptoed out of the house and breathed in the fresh cold air that hit my face. I checked my phone and saw that Michael had called me. I shrugged. He really was a good brother, but there was nothing he could do to change how the family dynamics were going at the moment. I got home safely and quietly but slowly snuck into the house. The lights were out and everyone was asleep. I got to my room, closed my door, and got ready for bed. I set my alarm to wake me up in the morning. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was asleep.

Chapter 4

The next morning, Tuesday, I woke up in a jumble of nerves. Both Mom and Dad had already left the house. They were playing the avoidance game, which was fine by me. I had a feeling today was going to be a very interesting day, considering the fact that today was the first day in my life where more than one person knew I was lesbian. I wasn't sure that I was prepared to accept what others would think of me. I considered skipping school and staying home that day, but I knew that I would eventually have to go back to school. It was now or never, and as much as I wanted it to be never, I knew that I could not avoid this.

During school that day, I felt extremely jumpy. I guess I had the right to be, considering that every time I walked by someone, the person started whispering to whomever was beside them. I would just roll my eyes and continue walking, although on the inside I was boiling and just wanted to address whatever was being said about me. I got that chance to do so later on on the day when a guy made a remark towards me with his friends around him. I assumed it was just to show them 'how tough' he was.

As I was walking by him he called me a dyke, and told me that I wasn't straight yet, because I hadn't been with him. I turned around and in retort, said to him that I was not remotely interested in him, and that even if I had slept with him, he wouldn't be able to perform up to my expectations. The guys just laughed at him, and I held my head up high as I walked away from the immature group of guys.

One of my good friends, Jen, stuck by me as much as she could throughout the day. The whole morning people had been either avoiding me, giving me weird looks, or acted like nothing new was going on. At lunch, I sat with a smaller group of friends then usual. However, most of lunch period. I talked with just Jen.

"Guess what, Jess? Tyler asked me to prom today! I told him yes, and I am so excited!"

I looked at Jen in disgust and disbelief. "Your going to prom with Tyler? You do realize he was the one that outed me to Michael, don't you? And, he is also the one who had been telling everyone I'm lesbian? He's such a jock! He thinks he is the best football player and the best gift from God to this planet! He is such a pig!"

Jen looked at me, and answered me with a look of fury on her face. "Jessica, Tyler may have "outed" you, as you say. But, what were you thinking of kissing Haley in school anyway, if you didn't want anyone to find out? If Tyler hadn't told anyone, someone else would have, eventually! Not only that, but you never have even talked with Tyler! You only know Tyler through Michael. And, by the way, if Michael is good friends with him, he isn't that bad then, is he? You better watch it, Jess, because you are already driving people away because of your sexuality. You better not make your real friends mad at you and leave you too, or all you will end up having left is Haley.

After Jen's speech to me, I glared at her for a moment and then sighed. "Sorry, Jen. I didn't mean to blow up on you. I'm just stressed. You are right. I should have not kissed Haley in school. I'm still pissed at Tyler, and can't believe you would give him a minute of your time. But that's for you to decide. You know where I stand concerning him. I'm glad you have a date to prom, but believe me, you could have done way better. But do you realize how much it sucks to have to constantly hide who you are and worry about who will find out about you? Mom and Dad know the truth and they flipped out at me last night. It was bad. And Michael is concerned about me bringing Haley to prom. He does not want me to get hurt. He's heard what people have been saying about me and Haley. Think about it, Jen. Nobody is going to think twice about you and Tyler going to prom together tonight. You won't get stares or snickers directed towards you and the person you like."

Jen responded, "Well, thanks for your input, but I will be happy with Tyler, believe me. Don't worry about that! Your parents will accept you, just give them time. And, as for everyone else, Julia, just ignore those other idiots. You are happiest with Haley... don't think I haven't noticed how different you've been acting the past few months. I still can't believe you did not tell me. You must have known I would have been nothing but happy for you?!"

"I know, Jen. I feel bad not telling you nor Michael. I guess I am finding out who my true friends really are, aren't I?"

At that point, an acquaintance that was in one of my classes started walking towards the table. Her name was Stacey. We never became close friends, but we were friendly. So I was curious and on edge wondering why she was coming up to me.

"Hey, Jen. Hey, Jess. How are you?"

"I'm hanging in there, I guess. How are you?" I asked warily.

"I'm well". Then Stacey looked at Jen and asked if she would mind if her and I could talk alone for a minute. Jen looked at me, and I nodded.

"Sure, good talking with you, Stacey." With that said, Jen turned her attention to the other talk around the table.

Stacey hesitated before she started. "Listen, Jessica. I hope I am not overstepping any boundaries, but I thought I would give you this". She handed me a piece of paper with a bunch of numbers on it and websites. "What is this all about? "Well, I talked to my sister last night. She's in college. I talked to her about you and asked her if I could give you any sort of advice or help. So she gave me these phone numbers and websites that you can easily access if you need them."

"Thanks, Stacey. I didn't know that your sister was lesbian." I scanned the paper that she gave me. On it said this: http://www.glbtnationalhelpcenter.org/find/local.html. It was for youth talk lines and chats.

"Thank you, Stacey. I will hold onto this in case I need it. My parents and sister don't know that I am lesbian yet. This may come in handy."

I wanted to change the topic, so I said, "Who are you going to prom with, Stacey?"

"Chris," she told me and smiled. "He asked me to prom a week ago.I am glad I am going with him. What about you, Julia? Are you taking Haley?"

"Chris is a good friend to my brother. I am glad you are going with him. I am taking Haley to prom! We are both so excited, and a little nervous, too."

"I understand that. It'll be okay though, I think. Well, my number is on there to, so feel fee to call or text me if you ever want to talk to someone."

"Okay, thanks, I will."

"Your welcome. Good luck!" She smiled at me, and then left the table.

The bell rang, indicating lunch to be over. I met up with Haley at my locker, as usual, and gave her a big hug and a bold kiss, not caring about the many stares, remarks or whistles that came our way. I finally found a sense of relief holding Haley in my arms. At that very moment I could care less what was said at me.

The rest of the afternoon passed with no incident. Michael drove me home as usual that day. Haley went home separately, as she figured Michael might need some time to get used to her and I being together.

We got in the car, and after a few minutes of silence, Michael asked me, "So, Jessica, how was your day? How'd everything go?" I knew automatically he wasn't just asking the simple question like he usually would. The question today was different, because he was wondering how my first day at school being out was.

"It wasn't too bad, Michael. Just the usual stuff that one would expect. Some people are so crazy and think that just because I am outed, I am a completely different person then I was a few days ago. I knew people would look at me differently. But why is it so hard for people to look at me the same?"

"It just takes time, Jess. You know there aren't many people in our school that are out. Those that are have a hard time being out. Remember Lacey, the girl that was in our year last year but moved? She moved to a new school because her being out became to much for her to handle. The people at our school can be cruel. They just don't care to understand that type of relationship. It's been branded in our heads for years that people who are gay will go to Hell and that they do not deserve the same rights that straight people have. Jessica, you've chosen a tough path in life. That is why Mom and Dad are so upset that you have chosen to be gay."

"That is just it, Michael! Do you think I have a choice in deciding wether or not I am gay?" I demanded.

"Don't you?" Michael asked me in a puzzled voice.

"Michael, please think about this for a minute. Why would I ever want to be lesbian? Why would I want to feel different then every else? You know how hard it is being with someone in a regular relationship. Why would I want to make it any more difficult? Why would I subject myself to all the degrading comments and gossip? I would much rather not be talked about by the whole school, and not be looked upon in a negative light. I would rather not risk having my family be mad at me and not talk to me for being this way! Don't you see? I would much rather be straight then lesbian! I've tried, and it just doesn't work for me. I don't get that same sense of completion to my life."

Michael pondered on this for a few minutes and did not say a word. I waited tensely to hear how he thought of this subject now that he heard it from my point of view. Michael parked the car, and turned the engine off. We were home. Silently, Michael got out of the car and I followed him into the house.

I broke the silence, asking him, "Well? What do you think? Why aren't you saying anything?"

Michael turned to me. "Sorry, Jess. I was lost in my own thoughts. I am starting to look at this differently. I can see why you would not want to be subject to harassment and judgement just for being lesbian. I can see why you feel like you are who you are and have no choice. Let me continue to think about this. Thank you for telling me your side of how all of this is for you."

The rest of the evening passed. I did my homework, watched television, talked with Haley, and went to bed.

Chapter 5-The Sexual Assault Scene

Wednesday morning came quickly. I must've been exhausted! I quickly got ready for school, left with Michael, and arrived at school. I was hoping that today would be an easier day. I was wondering if Maggie would talk to me. She had ignored my text from the night before. I didn't know if she didn't respond because she was busy, or if she purposefully ignored me because she found out I was lesbian and despised me. I hope it is that she was just busy last night, but I had this suspicious feeling that she did not want to have her best friend be a lesbian. I wondered if I could somehow make her understand and fix the situation.

However, one incident happened that day that shattered and hurt me beyond belief. I had to go to the bathroom during Honors English. As I was coming out of the restroom, there were two guys whose names were Justin and Ray. I had never talked with them before, but I had heard of them. They were talking to each other as they sauntered down the hallway, until one of them spotted me and nudged the other. I decided to try to ignore them and walked as quickly as I could past them and back to the classroom.

As I was walking passed them, Ray said to me, "Hey, lesbo. How is your girlfriend, Haley?" I tried to ignore him and walked past.

I heard Justin say to Ray, "You aren't going to let a dike insult you by ignoring you, are you?"

"Hell, no", Ray said.

BEGINNING OF SEXUAL ASSAULT SCENE

I tried to quicken my steps, but Ray swung his hand out, caught me by my arm and slammed me into the lockers. Justin laughed as he watched me struggle against Ray.

Ray said to me, "You know how rude it was to ignore us, don't you? We asked you a question. We seriously wanted to know how your girlfriend is. Is she good in bed? If you are with Haley, you probably have never had a real man before, have you? Don't worry, now is your chance."

Ray moved in closer, trying to kiss me. I struggled underneath his grasp, and could feel his mouth on mine. I tried to push him away, but he was too strong. I could feel his one hand quickly feeling me as he used his other to hold me against the lockers. I took a chance and kneed him. Ray immediately let go falling to the ground and howling in pain.

Justin moved immediately in on me, ignoring his friend. I could see this mean look on his face, and I tried to slip away from him as well. He grabbed my arm and pulled me into the men's bathroom. He yelled at Ray to follow and he pushed me against the wall, using one hand to hold both of mine above my head.

RESTRICTED CHAPTER-Rest of scene posted in my profile

END OF SEXUAL ASSAULT SCENE

Chris reached for my hand and we walked out of the bathroom, not looking back as we heard Jeff's muttering to himself as he stood up. As the door sung shut behind us, the bell rang, and I slowly started walking away from Chris, not caring to talk about,what just happened.

Chris, however, had other plans. He gently took hold of my shoulders and steered me into a now empty classroom. I protested, somewhat feebly, that we had to get to class. Although, by that point, I hadn't intention of going to my class. I needed to get out of that school.

My eyes looked anywhere but at Chris. He put his fingers underneath my chin, and moved my face up until my eyes were looking into his. Chris scanned my face, and I saw how much he really cared as he looked at me. His kind eyes showed traces of anger and sadness.Chris started to speak.

"You know, you really should report them, Jessica. They deserve to be held responsible. They hurt you. They would have done worse had I not stopped them. They might try to do this again."

I shook my head, silent. I could feel the tears continuing to run down my face. "I can't really talk about this right now, Chris. I can't take the chance of going to anyone, they will just do it again. Thank you for being there to help me, but I'm okay. Just don't tell anyone, including my brother. And listen, can you give Michael a ride home today if I don't come back in time for the end of the day? I need the car, I have to get out of here."

"If you need to go, I want to go with you, Jess. I don't think you should be alone right now." Chris softly stated. "Please, Chris. Just let me be. Just take Mike home for me."

Chris sighed,and reluctantly said, "I will bring Michael home. But, where are you going?" asked Chris.

"Anywhere but here," I answered.

Chris asked for my cell phone. I took my cell out of my use and handed it to him. He put his own cell number in my contacts and gave me back my phone. Call me if you need me, I am here for you" he stated. I took my cell back and I ran down the hallway and pushed open the exit door. I got to the car, and opened my car door. I got into the car and I breathed a sigh if relief. I needed to get out of here. I turned up the radio, and drove out of the parking lot.

Chapter 6

I drove to the nearest church from the school, which happened to be a New Life Christian Church. I just wanted to sit and reflect and ask my God to help me. I figured even if I hadn't been very religious in the past, maybe I would now if I could just feel Him and get through this day.

I went inside the church and sat in one of the pews. I was the only one by myself. It was at that point that I allowed myself to break down and cry. All that had been going on the past few days had been too much.

Suddenly, I felt another presence in the church and startled, I looked up. The Priest came down and sat next to me. I just had to know if my mother was right so, I asked him, an outsider who did not know me, "If I am lesbian, am I going to Hell?"

The Priest looked at me, and asked, "Do you want to change?" I thought about that question, and a sad look came over the Priests face the more time I took.

I looked the Priest in the eyes, and said, "No. I have a wonderful girlfriend. Even though some classmates hurt me today, I don't think I could change even if I wanted to."

"Then, the answer is yes." The Priest looked at me, saying "Continue to pray. There is always hope that you will want to change your sinful ways. It is only then that I as well as God will accept you with open arms."

I stared at the Priest in disbelief, and shook my head. I got up and walked out of the church, not allowing the Priest to see how upset I really was. In my car I broke down again. I didn't understand what the big deal was about me being lesbian. I drove the car back to the school and went inside to get my things from my locker. When I got back to my locker, I spotted Chris talking with my brother across the hallway. There was a stormy look on my brother's face. I hoped that they were not talking about what had happened earlier that day, but I had a gut feeling that they were.

Chapter 7

Mike's POV

I closed the door and paced around my room. I was still boiling with anger and confusement over with what happened to Jessica. Once again I found myself on the phone with Chris. I wanted the exact details of what happened to Jessica from him, not just a quick sketch that he had painted. I wanted to get all the details. Chris refused to tell me, saying he promised Jess he wouldnt say anything.This time, I was on the phone for almost an hour, ranting and raving just like Haley had done in the car earlier. Chris was sympathetic towards me, but I didn't want sympathy.I wanted to make sure that Jess would be okay, and would be safe with guys like Justin and Ray in the school. I tried to get Chris to tell me what happened to Jess, but he just said to try talking to her one more time before he would give in and tell me.

Jess's POV

Even though I had just talked with Haley, I had remembered that I needed to ask her a question about homework so I gave her a quick call. Somehow, our conversation turned back to what happened to me that afternoon at school. Her tone became one of a serious nature. "Jessica, I know you are strong, but I also know that Ray and Justin really hurt you. Please tell me exactly what happened."

In a mono-tone voice I told her about how the two guys had started asking me questions as I was coming back from the bathroom to class. I told her how I had tried to ignore them, only initiating their anger even more. I told her how Ray had been the first to put my arms over my head and push me up against the locker, kissing me. I told her how I had fought him off, only to have Jeff drag me into they guy's locker room. I told her that they did it because I was lesbian, and that they were harassing me for having a girlfriend. I told her how relieved and lucky I felt when Chris had intervened by helping me get away from Justin and punching him. When I was finally finished telling Haley the whole story, there was a long pause on the other end of the line.

Haley said to me, "Jess, I am so sorry for that. I agree with Michael. Please, please go to the guidance counselor and talk to Ms. P, or principal, if not the police, tomorrow. They should not get away with harassing and hurting you like that."

"Look, Haley. Thank you for caring and understanding. But, there is no way I can do that. They will just do it again. You understand, don't you?" "Jessica, I do understand. But, I still think you need to talk to a counselor. You went through a traumatic event today. Not only should a counselor know, but so should the police. That was a hate crime.""I will think about it," I said. Haley did not push me any more on the subject. We talked a little longer about nothing in particular. We disconnected and I turned on the radio and did my homework. I got that done, and I had dinner. Dinner went as well as could be expected. Mom and Dad completely ignored me and only talked to Michael. I was used to this. In my family, we don't talk about things. If my parents are mad, we got the silent treatment. It was actually a relief to just sit and think and interact. I was too numb to, anyway.

When I went to my room, I closed the door. I just didn't see what the point was to life, without Haley. Well, not necessarily without Haley. I knew that Haley and I probably wouldn't last forever, although it seemed that way today. But, I don't think that if I wasn't true to myself and didn't date and be with women, that I would ever be happy. I would make other people happy, but I know I wouldn't be. I thought over the past few days. I thought about how first Michael found out who I truly was, followed by the whole school finding out, and then Mom and Dad finding out. I thought about how Mom basically would not accept me as her own daughter. I thought about Ray and Nick and the hurt they put me through. Lastly, I thought about the Priest, a person of God, telling me I was going to Hell for something I couldn't change.

I shook my head. It was just all too much. I would never be a normal person again. No one would ever look at me as just Jess. They would look at me as "that lesbian girl, the one going to Hell, Jessica." I would always have to hide some part of my life to people at all times. How could I be completely out to everyone I met?

A thought came to me, and I picked up my backpack and scurried downstairs. I found the key hidden in my Dad's desk and went and unlocked the little black box. Inside I found my dad's loaded gun. I took it out and quickly put it in my backpack for the next day. I grimly decided that I was going to get back at the two ass holes that had hurt me so badly earlier that day.

I was tired of all the shit and just wanted it to disappear. I wanted to disappear, but first I was going to take care of those two guys who had hurt me. I wanted to make sure they would go down with me. I ran back to my room and quietly closed my door. I was ready for the next day. I got out a book I was reading and started to read, trying to get my mind of off the days events and off of what I was planning on doing tomorrow.

Mike's POV

I was talking with Chris on the phone after I was done my homework. I was helping him figure out whether or not he should go tell our guidance counselor about Jess. I wanted the guidance counselor, Mrs. Pierceson, to know what had happened. I wanted Ray and Justin to be punished, maybe even by the police. I wanted to tell my parents what had happened, but I was unsure of what to say.I knew Jules would be upset if I did. I mentioned this to Chris, and he suggested that he go to the guidance counselor at our school to see what she says. I agreed, and got off the cell. I opened my door and went down the hall to Jess's room.

Jess's POV

There was a knock on my door, and I answered, "Come in!" Looking up, I saw Mike enter my room and shut the door behind me

"Hey, Jess." He greeted me.

"Hi, Mike," I answered.

"Jess, what happened today? I asked Chris, but he refused to tell me, saying he promised he wouldn't tell. He told me to ask you. So, I am asking, will you tell me wha happened?" Mike asked me in this quiet, gentle tone.

"Mike, I can't tell you, I am too embarrassed."

"Jessica, whatever happened is not your fault. You know that, right? Those bastards, Justin and Ray, are to blame. You did nothing wrong. I can handle whatever it is. Please, tell me. I want to make that pain of yours go away."

"That won't happen. Michael. The pain will never leave me. Justin and Ray were harassing me about Haley. They decided to get.....sexual."

An angry look flashed across Mike's face. "Sexual? They forced you? What happened?" He demanded, somewhat confused, trying to figure out what exactly had happened. I could tell that his body was tense.

I avoided looking him in the eye. I didn't say anything for the next couple of minutes. Mike waited as patiently as he could, until he decided to sit down next to me on my bed.

"Jessica?" "Ray kissed me in the hallway. I got away from him, but Justin grabbed me and pulled me into the guys bathroom. Ray didn't do anything after that, just followed Justin and I and stood there and watched." I stopped,there, not wanting to continue.

I saw Mike's fist clench and his eyes flash. He took a deep breathe, and I saw him trying to calm himself. He said to me, "Jess, what did Justin do?"

"Justin forced me to...." I just couldn't continue. I grabbed a piece of notebook paper off of my dresser and wrote down what he did, my hands shaking. I hesitantly gave Mike the paper, uncertain as to if telling him was a good idea.

Mike took the paper, read it, and crushed it in his hand. His face was full of fury. He touched my shoulder, looking me in the eyes. He pulled me into a big hug. We must've stayed like that for a few minutes, him comforting me.

He asked if I needed anything, and I told him no. I reminded him to please not tell Mom and Dad, and to let me handle this my way. He looked at me, ran his hand through his hair, and nodded. He silently left the room, closing the door behind me.

I sighed in exhaustion, rubbing my head. I looked around, trying to decide if I wanted to straighten up my messy room like the rents had asked, or wait until tomorrow. I shrugged my shoulders and decided to get ready for bed. I had a big day tomorrow, after all. It wouldn't matter in a few hours time, anyway. I got undressed and ready for bed. I switched the light off and promptly fell asleep.

Mike's POV

I quietly closed Jess's door and went to my my own room. I was so full of anger, I didn't know what to do with it all. I could feel my whole body tense. Why didn't Chris tell me something so important? I knew Jess, though, and how persuasive she could be. I guess he just didn't want to hurt Jessica anymore then she already had been. I sighed, and ran my hand through my hair, a habit I had picked up lately somehow. I didn't know what to do about it.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 06.06.2013

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