In a world filled with everything that you see in your darkest of nightmares, you must be a bit insane in order to not be driven completely mad. You see, I lived my life in the brutal reality of it all, instead of hiding behind ignorance. Earth has been nothing but a wonderful dumping ground for its self-seeking inhabitants and now our beloved home is taking a stand. I could not fight the end of humanity but just embrace it and take my punishment as it is handed to me. Whether my death be a torturous bloodbath or a quick painless knockout it is inevitably coming to me. With each day nearing the predicted end of life for the human race, I grew more indifferent on the subject of people. Themselves and their feelings, neither made me feel much of anything. I suppose that I was losing hope in folk’s ability to grasp the true reason for the hurricanes, volcano eruptions, tornados, and tsunamis that had been happening day after day. Open your eyes humanity and see that what I have been doing is nothing but helping you all! I suppose that I am unable to claim that I could not feel for people because there were days where I did nothing but feel. I felt so much and that is the reason that I began to do what I did. What is was exactly that I began was liberating individuals before brutal mother nature had her chance. When I would free a soul from torture it brought me closer to my chances of being reborn into the next sequence of ruling species. I often wondered what species it would be, most defiantly a completely brand new one. I know not what was here on this very planet before the dinosaurs ruled its boundaries nor do I know if it were even a living species. All that I do know is that when the human race ends my soul shall not go with them.
As time ticked closer to the day of doom, my missions grew stronger. Within the year of 2010 I ended the lives of a total of three beautiful souls. I know that if they were more intelligent that at the seconds before I pulled that trigger they would have been thanking me, instead of cursing and pleading for their lives. Sometimes I wondered why would I do such pure acts for such unappreciative people. No one can understand what pressure and stress this put on me, but I did it still because I knew that I was acting for the greater good. If someone would return the favor for me I would be nothing but grateful. Unfortunately, time was rapidly ticking away so instead of waiting for someone to liberate me I had chosen to save my own soul. Call it what you want but I knew that what I was doing was the right thing.
Morning came again, just as it did 24 hours prior and yet I still was unable tot see the sun shining in my eyes. All I ever did was look for it, but it was as though I just saw right through and the brightness never reached me. I feared that it was just another sign that the end was nearing and it pushes me to act. It was absolutely clear in my mind what I had to do that day and it was to be my highest priority. Breakfast was to be sacrificed, for food always tastes better when it comes as a reward. Immediately following my stand off with the sun I dress and began my travels for the next chosen soul.
The path that I follow in seeking the next blessed soul is one that I trust to my instincts. How I arrive at a particular area and lay my eyes upon that perfectly ignorant being is beyond me. I do not chose the destiny of the people I free, fate and that alone can only take the credit. As my feet silently slowed from a steady paced walk to an altogether halt my eyes met the reason. A dashing beauty beheld me as I stood stupidly tranced by her mere presence. I suddenly felt the blood pumping through my veins as my heart began to thud. Almost positive that the sound my heart was making could be heard for miles, my cheeks grew rosy but the beat kept strong. Utterly unaware if the feeling overcoming me was excitement, lust, fate, or a combination of the three I closed my eyes and saw nothing but this girl. She was the very essence of everything that a woman should be, and I knew this all with a single glance. As she caught my stare I felt the uncomfortable smile that she threw at me but I just could not look away from her. I could not help myself, I just knew that I had to have her. With my eyes still burning into hers my body began to glide closer and closer until I was at her side. The conversation started with a seemingly insignificant comment on the morning air, how it used to smell fresher just years ago. Her observation on the air astounded me for nine out of ten people are too ignorant to notice the world dying. She left me standing alone with her name, telephone number, and an indescribable feeling that momentarily paralyzed me.
Gaining back my reason for waking up that morning, my feet steadied on. Although my body continued onward, my mind stayed right there where I had seen her. It was as though I was traveling blind but knew each step exactly perfect. The morning had turned into the evening without me even noting the afternoon. I’m a constant observer and she had taken my attention away from that beautifully changing day. I cant say that I cared much though, I enjoyed envisioning her. No longer was I unable to see the rays of sun in my eyes that I could not hours prior and for this I thank Destiny. Her name could not have been more ironically perfect, I knew that she in fact was my destiny. A name matching perfectly to its meaning, “A predetermined course of events considered as something beyond human power or control”. Believe me when I say that us meeting was not by chance but by some greater force, one that no one can begin to understand.
Precious time continued to tick away as I daydreamed. My mind was made into a fantasy world where Destiny was my wife and we had made it together through the apocalypse. My pretending was interrupted by an obnoxious roar courtesy of my empty stomach. I hadn’t eaten a single bite of food that entire day and would not allow myself to until my day’s deed had been done.
The sun had left me with a promise of return and my acquaintance the moon took its place. Each star that sat in the night sky revealed to me a story of another time. Without much thought I directed myself toward a beautiful park just down the road from where I lived. Still astounded by the wondrous beauty of the night, I hardly noticed the lovely young lady sitting all alone. Innocently she rested, reading her paperback novel on a small blue blanket, spread out under a lamp post near a pond in the grass. Bringing myself to an old bench I gazed upon her as a dedicated bird watcher would a Birmingham waxwing. Indeed she was lovely and a seemingly intellectual girl who I found very interesting to view. It was easy to tell that she had totally and completely dedicated her whole self to what she read and with good reason. Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen was her choice of literature. I could not help but to smile as I watched the words of such a literary figure dance from the pink of her lips.
As the sky grew darker her eyes became tired. I found it adorable the way that she would dip her tiny hands into the pond and splash just a small amount of water to her eyes and forehead. An attempt to stay awake just long enough to get her through the next few pages I was sure. Sadden a bit as this beauty began to pack up her things I hid myself in the shadows. Unaware of her true name in my mind I called her Rose. This name best suited her for she in so many ways was a rose. Beauty aside, a rose is not just something to look at unless your looking deeper than it’s petals. Along the stem live sharp thorns that if you dare touch will cut deep without a feeling of regret. The young lady who I watched was exactly like a rose, beautiful and strong.
Following from a distance I could not help but wonder where Rose was taking me. Considering the late hour I was almost sure that her destination was home but I could not be positive. After nearly ten minutes of walking Rose approached upon a small brick house with a large white door. Fumbling around in her purse for only a moment she pulled out a shiny set of keys, placed one into the door‘s lock, and entered shutting the door securely behind her. I wondered if she felt my present, my eyes watching her as she moved. Once or twice she pulled back the curtains of her front window and shifted her anxious eyes up and down the dark street. Was she looking for me, maybe she was expecting someone, or maybe she was just in fear of being left all alone. There was no car parked in the drive and the only lights on in the house were done so by my little Rose. Almost completely positive that she was the only one inside, I waited just a while longer and monitored the house from the outside. I made my way to the back yard which was small but quite beautiful. A garden filled with only the most scenic flowers took over the yard and I was awed. Not only was this woman herself gorgeous but she had a vision of beauty expressed into her garden.
The hour was late and the time had come. Upon discovering the garden I also noticed a back window opened ever so slightly. Everything occurring this night has been preplanned by something greater than I. It all had worked out so perfectly to be strictly by chance. The way that I was able to study her for sixty two minutes learning the way she moved, how she happened to be the only one home in an entire house, and lastly the easy entrance that was given to me. Without knowing what my next move was I opened the window as wide as it would go and crawled inside.
The sound that my feet made as they thudded against the hardwood floor echoed about the room. Reluctantly, I was the only one who had heard the echo and continued moving slowly around the room. With the dim light of the dying bulb above my head I saw that the house was empty with the exception of large cardboard boxes, some unlit candles, and a radio. Clearly she was moving out and I wondered why. Wandering about the house I imagined the possible reasons for the move. Perhaps she was moving out of the country to pursue a life in an entirely different culture just because she has always wanted to. Or maybe this house holds past memories of a failed marriage that she needs to get over. Whatever the reason it no longer would matter after tonight. After tonight Rose will be free and her soul can be reborn into the next life of earth. Her memories of being human will not matter and possibly not even be remembered. Lost in my thoughts of the new world I found myself in the upper half of the house and standing outside of a door with light shinning from underneath it. My ears picked up a faint sound of music playing from the other side of the door and I knew that my lovely Rose was just on that other side, waiting for me.
With my left hand I slowly pushed open the door, there was no need to turn the knob due to the noticeably broken latch. It opened with a loud creek and I felt the fear that immediately filled the place. When those radiant green eyes glued themselves to me I heard only a loud scream of absolute horror. My first reaction was to run over and stop the screaming at any cost. The pitch of her shriek terrified me, I never before heard such a horrid sound. I did the only thing that I was sure would end this sound and that was a hard slam of my hand to her precious face. As my fist reached her jaw I heard a spine tingling crack that made me pause completely still for a moment. Her jaw had been cracked open and the amble amount of blood was proof. Never did I mean to hurt her like this, but it happening at my hands sent chills through my body followed by a strong feeling of excitement. She began to scream (as loudly as her jaw would allow) and to cry hysterically. Confused, I stood above her watching as she cried. I didn’t know why I was enjoying everything that had just happen so much, but I was. Before I knew it my hands were gripped tightly at her throat and my body was sitting on top of hers. Just as her beautiful face began to lose all color I released my hands from her throat and moved them up and down the sides of her body. My entire body had began to shake and I felt the beat of my heart increasing at an intensely rapid rate. Her life was in my hands and I felt like God.
After a few minutes Rose began to catch her breath again. Her tiny chest was moving a mile a minute and I thought for sure that she was going to hyperventilate. Tonight was not supposed to be this way but once it happened I couldn’t seem to control myself. I once again took my fist to her face but not quite as hard as I had the first time. As I hit her she released a loud sound that I had never heard in my life. It was a kind of squeal mixed together with a gurgle. That was when I realized that she was choking on her own blood. I sat on top of her pinning her to the floor and watched as she choked to death.
That night I was too high off of what had unfolded that I couldn’t bring myself to go home. The emotions circulating through my mind me were far too difficult to even attempt to explain. I just had to feel it more, it couldn’t end just yet. I felt like a junkie that would have done anything for that next high. You want it so badly that nothing can stand in your way and not getting it is just never an option. My night finally ended hours later with the lives of two teenage sisters and an old dish of spaghetti from a diner in town.
Morning had come and I couldn’t get myself out of bed. The activities of the night left me a tad ashamed and at the same time I felt like a shiny new penny. All night I dreamt of Rose, her face before and after death, the breath taking garden in her yard, and her murder. I envisioned killing her in a variety of different ways, all of which made me feel powerful. I cut her throat, shot her, stabbed her to death, hanged her, any possible way of killing a person I did it to her in my dreams. There was one dream though, that stood out more than all of the rest of them. It began exactly the way that the previous last night had gone. I stumbled upon Rose reading at the park and followed her home and she looked exactly as she did in real life only as she walked from the park she sang a soft song that I had never heard before.
“No use pleading or praying
For gone, gone is all hope of staying
Hush, hush, the anchor's a-weighing
Don't cry in your sleep, bonny baby “
Rose sang these lyrics as if to me but she never looked, never saw me behind her. She sang the four lines over and over until she reached her doorstep. The house looked slightly different, the door was brown instead of white and she left it wide open as she disappeared inside. The curtains were never pulled back and the door never shut. I went right in through the front door and saw nothing in the house but old wooden wheels. Each wheel was different yet the same and looked as if they had been carved by hand. Finding interest in one particular wheel I picked it up to get a closer look. It was about the size of a car’s steering wheel and was colored cherry mahogany. There was so much incredible detail carved into the single wheel that I almost missed the quotation carved along the outside. It read, “ There is a destiny that makes us brothers: none goes his way alone, All that we send into the lives of others comes back into our own”. I thought everything to be so strange and did not understand the meaning so I never minded it. My journey continued to the upstairs room where I knew she’d been waiting. Everything was right, the broken latch, the soft music playing, and the light shining under the door. I pushed open the door in the same way I had in reality only Rose was absent from it. All that was in the room were more wheels and a blood stain where Rose had laid to die. I awoke just after entering the room.
Whether or not the dream had any significance I paid no thought to why. Finally crawling out of bed my mood was jubilant. The first thing I noticed with the start of the brand new day was the blood that left stains on my fingernails. A shower was more than necessary and without a doubt satisfying. Everything about the day felt better, as though I was superior and nothing could bring me down. There was no better time then now to call Destiny and that is exactly what I did. She answered after two short rings and her voice almost made me melt. Stammering a bit, I wasted no time in fear that I would not have the courage to ask her out if I didn’t right away. When she agreed to the date I was ecstatic and when she seemed happy about it I wanted to break out in dance! After hanging up with Destiny I immediately got dressed and ready for my date disregarding the fact that I had close to eight hours until it began. It took only twenty three minutes to get completely ready so I decided on watching some television to kill time. Not expecting to find anything worth watching I casually flipped through the channels . On my second time through them I stumbled upon a news broadcast about a string of murders that took place last night. I set down the remote and gave 100% of my attention to the TV.
The hour was now past one and I sat all alone on an oak chair in my living room. The news had refreshed all of my memories from the previous night and I grew anxious. I wanted that feeling back, the one that I had last night. The feeling that I felt only after the deaths of those young ladies, only after I had killed. In the back of my head though, shouted a voice that I wanted so badly to silence but I knew that it was right. Of course I knew that what I had done last night was terribly wrong and that it was in no way acceptable in my beliefs. Killing should never be done for pleasure but then, why does it provide so much of it? Overly confused I had to occupy my mind with something so I chose to work. I had a deadline of three months and a half finished novel that seemed to be going nowhere. The storyline begins with a tragic loss that leads into a world of magic and impracticalities. A story of overcoming hard times and accepting that happiness is possible even when you cant even remember what being happy felt like. Only to discover at the end that the main character went completely and utterly insane after chapter two and the rest of the book was just a story that was invented in his mind. A tragedy temporarily disguised as a fantasy novel.
An hour had passed and yet no work had been done. My cursed fingers would only write an exact recreation of that strange dream I had, the one with all of the wheels. It had to of meant something for dreams always do, but what could it possibly mean? Trying to figure this bizarre dream out I continuously dissected the details. Everything had been perfectly right except for a very few minor facts. The song Rose had sang, the color of the door, the way that I entered the house, all of the wooden wheels, and Rose being absent from the bedroom. I couldn’t for the life of me remember how the song went that Rose sang so I focused more on the quote that I found carved onto the wheel. “ There is a destiny that makes us brothers: none goes his way alone, All that we send into the lives of others comes back into our own”. What I concluded from this quote may or may not be what its supposed to be mean but I can figure no other explanation. The first part, “There is a destiny that makes us brothers: none goes his way alone” means that by being created by the same man that makes each and every single person on this planet my brother and when I killed Rose a part of myself dyed with her. The second part was more difficult to figure out and I eventually just gave up. The study of my dream had distracted me only for a short while and then I was back to obsessing over my date with Destiny and my extreme want to murder.
My body trembled as my mind fantasized. I imagined a dazzling young lady with long thick dark hair that reached well past the middle of her back and lips as soft as a cloud. Her eyes, as green as an emerald with a sparkle that put the stars above to shame. Without a doubt she was overly beautiful and I was her god. My lips curled into a smile as I day dreamed that my hands were around her throat. Within seconds of her death my dreaming was ended when I realized what the wheels and what the quote all meant. How could I of not known right away, it was so clear the whole time. Becoming panicked and upset I shouted out loud in fear. The wheels, the quote, it all symbolized karma. A wheel goes around and comes right back around each and every time, just as karma does. I did a very bad thing last night now I must be punished. My god is to punish me for impersonating him and this frightened me as if I were a young girl and not a grown man. Death would be a gentle and kind discipline compared to what I had coming. I knew that my punishment would be far worse than simple death. My lungs felt as if they had been filled with baby powder and I was suffocating with each attempted breath. The best thing to do at this point was to calm myself but I wasn’t sure how to do so. After several minutes of trying to relax, my breathing once again became normal. What I needed to do now was to just take some time to rationally think about what my punishment was going to be and to accept it. It didn’t take long for me to remember that tonight I had a date with Destiny. Another clear sign that I saw right past, “A date with destiny“. Destiny was no gorgeous perfect woman but instead she was my punisher disguised. My eyes filled with tears as my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces. I loved Destiny with all that I had and she was not true.
Everything good about this morning had quickly turned awful. My heart felt as if a ferocious lion were using it as a chew toy and I found out that tonight I would be disciplined for my dreadful actions. Scared is an understatement when describing the way I felt at that moment. Imagine knowing that in just a matter of hours you will be damned to unbearable torture and intense misery, try and think of how you would feel. I had to do something and do it quick. Perhaps I was given the clues as a chance to figure everything out and stop it before it stopped me. The dream, the wheels, the quote, they were all clues and I solved the puzzle! I had to kill Destiny before she could release her wrath onto my soul. I knew that my task would not be an easy one but it had to be done, and done immediately. 14277 Zirderville Drive was the address that Destiny had given to me for when I was to pick her up for our date. Her house was no more than 14 minutes away from mine, I knew that I could be there in no real time at all. It would only take about one hour of my day to go there and to be back, just one hour to account for.
I went in somewhat of a crazed trance with the recollection of only small parts of my journey to Destiny’s. It felt as though I kept falling out of my body and by the time I entered back into it I was doing some horrible thing. My senses had gone from me and all that was left was my sight, which came and gone. The man who aggressively drove that car over to Destiny’s home was an absolute stranger, someone I had never known to be living inside of my subconscious. A violent, horrible man who caused two careless accidents and very well may have taken the life of a pedestrian. I am no sane man I can tell you that but neither am I insane. My sanity lies somewhere in between the boundary of the two, leaving me as normal as the next guy.
I didn’t know how long I had sat parked in front of her house but if I had a guess it would be just over an hour. Not once in that time did my eyes leave the tranced stare I held of the gravel in front of me. It felt as though I was not in my body the entire time but in another world that consisted simply of thoughts. My thoughts were the only thing that were real and I could think myself any life I chose to. But that world is only temporary and then I’m brought right back to reality. Its as though I am asleep but still function as if I were awake, but without being aware of my doings. I’m completely opened to my thoughts and closed from my actions
By the time I had waken from my trance, Destiny was dead. I woke up to the image of my love stabbed to death and with the knife in my hands. I absolutely knew what I had just done but was unable to accept it. With the sight of the murder, my memories hit me hard like a bullet to my heart. Destiny had not been something greater but the woman who was meant to match my soul, and I murdered her. She was gone forever, dead by the knife I held firmly in my left hand. All at once my horrible regrets for all of the people I had selfishly murdered surfaced and I was appalled. I was ashamed of the person I had quickly become and hated myself with fiery passion from hell. The true reason though for my intense hatred of my own self is that although I feel sick from my actions I was also filled with extreme delight and anxiety. With every ounce of me I wanted to kill and feel the power fill my veins. The only thing holding me back from my passion was my regret, and it was held by a thinning thread.
My eyes were unable to see anything other than my murdered love. As I gazed upon the blood that was dripping from that perfect set of lips that I never even had the chance to embrace, I cried. My mouth began to move but no words came out.
“Destiny!” I wanted so badly to scream her name. But for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how to speak. I gave up trying and made my way over to where Destiny lay bloody and motionless. Kneeling down beside her I locked my fingers to her still warm ones and just sat there, next to her in tears. I fantasized about what our life together could have been like if I had not killed her. We would have been married somewhere on a beautiful beach and said our “I dos” just as the sun were setting. And in the seconds before our lips met making her my wife I would whisper to her “I love you” and she would know that my love would last forever. Our three children Frank, Warren, and little Rosie would all be lovely and extremely pleasing to look at. Frank and Warren are fraternal twins and very protective of their darling baby sister Rosie. I saw what my life would have been, but now never could. I saw the faces of my children who can never exist now all because I was so weak to my emotions. I murdered not only the lady that I loved but also our future children. My body began trembling uncontrollably as I felt myself losing my mind. All in one tragic night I was the murderer of my entire family which brought me to a total of 7 killings at my hand.
Like a tidal wave I was overcome and overwhelmed with horrid feelings and terrible shock. Realizing that the strand of my liberation had quite rapidly turned into murdering, I was my own worst nightmare. What began as a selfless act has turned me into a beast and I fear that the exhilaration now owned me. Everything now had become so difficult and I could actually feel each day losing more and more color. Just yesterday the sky was a little more blue and the birds sang louder than they do today. The world is fading into nothing and I see it with each second of each day.
With blurred eyes I made a pitiful attempt to get up off the floor next to where my dead lover laid. It felt as if I were going blind from all of the trauma I had just experienced. My vision was tunneled and darkening quickly as I felt the strength being sucked from my limbs. I didn’t remember falling, just getting up from my knees and being confused as to how I had gotten onto them. The day hadn’t been a particularly cold one but was not nearly warm enough to account for the sweat that had been pouring from every possible gland in my body. Perhaps I, myself were dying. Or maybe I was just experiencing bitter sweet reality. Whichever the case it made no difference for both felt the same. I’m not sure if I died that day or just went completely mad. There is one thing though that I was am still very sure of and that is, that my actions would open the eyes of my brothers and of my sisters. The evil that I had unfolded would surely help to convince the world that bad things are soon to come. In the beginning, I wanted nothing more than for everyone to realize the doom destined for our planet. But, now I realized that we were never supposed to know. I am the perfect example of why us humans should have been completely ignorant of what was coming. I created a monster out of myself and ruined any chances of happiness that I could have had in the remaining time of my life. Humans are complex and have a strong endurance of pain to go with their countless emotions and feelings. But, the numerous amount of enabled feelings in just one human can make for a disaster when they become panicked. Immediately fears of and end, of a burning pain, of losing all that made them happy, and of each memory of the people who matter most will rush together and cause an explosion deep inside. Physical pain is nothing remotely close to the internal kind. You can slit my throat and dance on my lungs and I will heal but tell me that I have lost what I hold dear and I will shatter. If the hand of my lover has been buried into the dirt and that her lips have gone cold I would drown myself in the very tears I cry for her.
In the time that it took for me to realize all that I had, that dark dreary day I had damned myself and my soul. I still speculate on what happened to me upon coming to figure out all that I had done because my memory told me nothing. Some days I believe that I died, killing myself as punishment for my crimes. Other days though I think that I went absolutely mad and I live in this world I have created. Nonetheless I know for certain that where I now live is not reality but a mocking imitation of it. No longer did I have control of my body let alone my mind, I was a complete stranger to myself. Imagine the feeling of not knowing who you were and of being absolutely terrified of the person inside of your body, the one who controls each thought and every movement you make. I suppose I just could not handle the pain of realizing what I had become and therefore I decided that becoming lost would be easiest. The true reason as to why, I couldn’t tell as much as I couldn’t tell where I had gone. All that I knew was that I was lost and that I could never be found.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 12.09.2010

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