THE INVENTION OF THE
PILLOW

English: Pillow
Dutch: Kussen
French: Coussin
German: Kissen
Latin: Pulvinos Lufu
Ancient: Unknown
Greek: Levististicum Officinale

The invention of the pillow is shrouded in secrecy. It's veiled in the disturbing distortions of the facts, and even the little known, makes mockery of the truth.
The reason for all this, is that the pillow has been invented by a woman.
It was Paris, October 12, 1491.
That day, found Matilda Labrador, Countess of Grunewald, working secretly in her hidden laboratory, in the attic of her house, in a daring attempt to ascertain the existing of the Atom and attain a conclusive proof that the Atom is an indivisible particle.
At this period, women were not allowed to engage in any activity, except for sex, (wild and kinky, as it were) child rearing and domestic chores, let alone the exploration of scientific phenomena. But, Matilda Labrador, the twenty four year old Countess of Grunewald, a stunning beauty and the darling of the Parisian males, was defying all society's laws and traditions of the day. She had a profound calling to investigate into the laws of science, and nothing could stop her.
In addition to the fateful invention of the pillow, Matilda Labrador, was the herald of the first Women Liberation Movement, known in the history of mankind.
It was at this time, that women in general, were becoming more and more aware of their equality to men and of their capacity to manage ideas, if not better, at least as good as men.
And men were becoming concerned. So much so, that an eight year old boy, who, in twenty years would become the eminent mastermind of the religious revolution, by the name of Martin Luther, declared, in the midst of a family dinner in which the sinful equality of women to men was discussed: "For where God built a church, there the Devil would also build a chapel."
Everyone present, applauded the eight year old boy, for making the equation of "God's church" with men, and "Devil's chapel" with women.
On the outset, it seems that all this has nothing to do with the invention of the pillow, but all those who have contended it, are regretfully, not in touch with reality.
On the night of October 13, 1491, Mrs. Labrador's husband, Duke Philip III Ruler of the County of Labrador Count of Grunewald, was having dinner with Marquise De Pharnaces, in one of the most celebrated brothels in Paris, known only as "Le Deluge", where he told him about his plight: He hasn't slept with his young wife, in months! Inquiring about the fact, the Marquise concluded that the wife is either unfaithful, a sorceress, or a witch.
The news spread in Paris like a wildfire. Five days later she was arrested, and on Oct. 20, 1491, she was put before the clerical tribunal for the final interrogation, the last stage before the death sentence is pronounced.
One hour before the proceedings, Francis I, of France, committed suicide, being shattered, and totally disgusted with the desire of the women race for equality. He left a short note that read: "Tout est perdu fors l'honneur." (All is lost save honor.)
There are many theories, concerning his suicide. The latest, being that Francis I, of France was the principal lover of Mrs. Labrador, and couldn't face her death.
Most fortunately, unlike anyone else up to date, we have obtained a transcript of the proceedings against the young wife, and though we couldn't possibly print all of it, for reason of space, we would print its summery.
A member of the clerical tribunal would be identified as: TR. And Mrs. Labrador as: MS.

TR: Did you ever say that you want to be equal to men?
MS: I never said that.
TR: In your recollection, to NO ONE?
MS: To no one.
TR: When did you know it?
MS: Forgive my ignorance, but I don't understand the question.
TR: When exactly did you know that you don't want to be equal to men?
MS: I can't recall ever wanting to be equal to men.
TR: And why not?
MS: Because it's a sin.
TR: Who passed you the information that that's a sin? When and where?
MS: I don't remember.
TR: Maybe you would remember what do you do every night in your attic?
MS: It's difficult to explain...
Loud screams from the clergy: Heresy! Heresy! To the stake! To the stake!
Realizing she is doomed, an inspired thought that might save her life, downed on her. She put her right hand on her heart, and solemnly said: "I've been trying to invent something that would comfort my husband immeasurably and bring solace to all men of our great nation!"
"To all men?" Inquired one of the tribunal.
Facing the clerical tribunal, which was exclusively composed of extremely fat man, Mrs. Labrador chanced: "To all fat men."
The clergy in the large hall seemed curious. "And what that might be?" One of them asked.
"Give me three days to complete my invention, and I would present it to you."
"In what area is your invention, child?"
"In the relationship between fat men and girls." Mrs. Labrador replied, hopping to touch a sensitive nerve.
And she did. The tribunal decided on a three day delay after which Mrs. Labrador was ordered to present her invention.
Under heavy guard, placed in and around her house she was allowed to work in the attic for the following three days.
There is a conclusive evidence to the fact that in the first two days the young wife was bitterly and constantly crying. On the last day, she collected herself and forced herself to think rationally: What could this invention, that she had described before the tribunal, be?
According to a note found, some four hundred forty years later, in the possession of a German priest, by the name of Joseph Hoffner, who in April 1969, would become a Cardinal and the head of the Roman Catholic Church of West Germany, Mrs. Labrador regretted she ever mentioned "fat men" in her statement before the clerical tribunal. In her note, she complained: "My main mistake was to attribute my invention to fat men, as opposed to all men, as it makes it much more difficult to come up with something that would suit only fat men. But, on the other hand, it might have saved my life..."
Many accounts have it, that during these three days, Mrs. Labrador has written a great number of notes, but, according to these accounts, they were all shredded by the German Priest, in 1941. It's established that he used the first shredding machine that was invented that year.
(The invention of the shredding machine, which is a direct result from the invention of the pillow, would be found in one of the following chapters.)
In the evening hours of the third day, the doomed young Countess heard a slight knock on the door. In opening the door, she discovered to her horror, three men from among the clerical tribunal standing there. But, her horror turned to terror, when she heard the reason for their visit. They informed her that they wouldn't feel comfortable toward the Father, the Son and the Holy ghost, were they to send her to her death without having "penetrated" her, prior to her burning.
The men, all in their late fifties, are well documented as probably the fattest men on earth, at that time. Their average weight is set down to have been 430 pounds. Having no choice, the young Countess agreed on condition that the sexual act would be performed one to one, as she felt a strong aversion to collective sex.
One theory postulates that her request was intended to give her the opportunity of killing each one of them, before the sexual act took place. But, because of the shredding of her notes, by the German priest, no proof for this theory could be established.
But, there's a lot of available data, on what happened that evening. The three clergymen told her that due to their huge bellies, they could never properly penetrate a girl, and had found a solution in a threesome union, which most fortunately corresponded adequately to the Holy Trinity. The solution was that two men lie passively, face down, one on top of the other, and the girl lies face up, on top of the two men. In this way, her legs are dangling in the air, and the fat belly of the third man, who stands in between her legs, isn't on the way for a perfect penetration.
On hearing this technical description, Mrs. Labrador, agreed without pre-conditions, to go ahead with the act.
There is a strong evidence to suggest, that while she was being penetrated by the second clergyman, the invention of the pillow was already in her mind.
After the three men left, having unknowingly inspired the invention of the pillow, the young Countess took one of her large dresses, and stuffed it with every possible soft garment and fabric she could find around the house. She sewed both sides of her dress, so nothing could fall off from the inside. It was as large as the combined volume of the two men on whom she lied in order to give the third one, the perfect position for the best possible penetration.
The next day, she presented it to the clerical tribunal, as her invention. Without mentioning the events of the night before, she explained in a calm voice, how this object could be used, and the great advantages it carries for fat men.
The pillow has been invented. The exact date was, Oct. 24, 1491.
The clerics couldn't have felt better. At long last, each one of them would now be able to have, a one to one sex with a girl, without the aid of two other men, who often proved to be unfaithful friends and ugly traitors. They acquitted Matilda Labrador, Countess of Grunewald, of all crimes against the church and set her free. This was the first time in the church's history that a girl, as young as the Countess, wasn't sent to the stake.
Upon her release, the Countess of Grunewald, became a renown lesbian, and founded the first women liberation movement in history.
She lived to be ninety four years, and died of natural causes, leaving a testimony with only one sentence written in it. It reads:
"Now I know everything, and it doesn't make sense."

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 29.06.2010

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